My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: Tom 10 on October 23, 2016, 02:21:37 PM

Title: Sorting Densities
Post by: Tom 10 on October 23, 2016, 02:21:37 PM


    Sorting
Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: Mark T on October 24, 2016, 05:55:25 AM

Gotta love that doughy gut that kicks this off - I can't help seeing shades of Carl Hiaasen in this Florida excursion - the ending is intriguing, a philosophy of appreciation too late...?
Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: Tom 10 on October 24, 2016, 11:35:23 AM
Hmmmm - I intended a tough-crust image rather than doughy gut - alligator hide. :) 

Carl Hiaasen is new to me, so I googled and became interested - thanks Mark.


Appreciate the read and the comments.

T

Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: duck on October 24, 2016, 02:43:19 PM
Hi Tom This is one of those curiosities that has me feeling a bit dense. Firstly, heft has become one of your signatutre words and so makes me sit up and ponder in which guise it is inaction here. It is an arresting image with the alligator but I  am not sure what it describes. My guess supported by Mark is of a gut,a tourist gut in which case more dough indeed that alligator.
Before rent I am, guessing there is an I or a we  hiding and that it is not an imperative.

The switch to you in S3 threw me somewhat, not sure who is beig addressed.

Still your usual abilities with words and optimising how much information a few words carry.
Dave
Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: Mark T on October 24, 2016, 03:31:11 PM

Yeah, you're a marvel with (quirky poem) words, Ty. And I can't believe Carl Hiaasen is new to you, god I wish all his books lay before me, unread. The man is the genius of brutal farce. 

So this bit applies to alligator and photographer, does it? Stopped what, then? Listening? Or moving? Sorry to be picky.

Like him, you come in search
when you sense what listens
has stopped.
Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: Tom 10 on October 24, 2016, 06:13:21 PM
Dave - "heft" has seeped too deeply into my personal lexicon - thanks for flagging that.  The image is intended to be that of a young alligator, about the size of a loaf of french rye.  Over-baked and too-long cooled was intended to suggest a tough outer surface.  S.2 - on was intended to sound like N talking to himself, in an instructive voice.    "optimising. . . " -- very charitable and understated of you.  Thanks.

Mark - Yes, Hiaasan is the newest author to make my revolving reading list.  Thanks again for that.  As to the binary stars of this poem, yeah.  Each reacts to the void by going in search.  They encounter each other - no cosmic connection, just the parallels.  Not much else to it.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

T


Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: Mark T on October 25, 2016, 05:31:19 PM

I remember you saying this in a comment once... or words to the effect:

"... tend to create short enjambments under the misapprehension that it adds poetic heft...."

So tvell me, Tvom, vat iss itz aboutz heft zat zis so occupiez your mindz, hmmz?



Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: Tom 10 on October 26, 2016, 09:10:34 AM
 :) I don't know. :)
Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: REW on November 01, 2016, 10:58:28 PM
The ending is rather mysterious.  I didn't understand this the first time around, but rather than give up in my exhausted world, I did revisit.

I like the haunting feeling, the predatory fee with the sort of philosophical ending.
Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: Tom 10 on November 02, 2016, 02:28:06 PM
Thanks for looking, and looking again REW - I wish there was more here.  I just couldn't seem to make the feeling apparent with this piece.  It is now stewing and we'll see if there is a revision worth doing. 
Nice to see you posting.

T
Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: MrOrdinaryMan on November 03, 2016, 12:58:48 AM
Had to read it a few times, but after a little bit I started to understand it better. I like your use of breaking up the sentences into multiple lines, it adds more depth and meaning to the poem. Way cool!
Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: Tom 10 on November 03, 2016, 09:34:27 AM
Hello MrOrdinaryMan,
Thanks for reading and commenting.  While sentences are the building blocks for prose, poetry usually relies on  lines as the building blocks, and sentences quite often can run over several lines. 

Welcome to MWC.

T
Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: Mark T on November 03, 2016, 03:44:20 PM

Howzit Ty.
Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: Mark T on November 03, 2016, 03:58:12 PM

I've been thinking about writing a piece titled Harvest. I've been watching the evolution of this year's crop of winter wheat - last year it was a dust bowl. The rains were good, the flowers dazzled, and the wheat grew and turned green, somewhere between bottle green and emerald, carpeting the hills and dales.
It's turning to summer now and the machines have passed over the fields, soon the sheep will wander the husks in pasture. It seems so simple to see this example of 'reap what you sow' and yet there are complexities and variations in this cycle. I know there's a poem in this but i can't seem to find the time to assemble the parts. Peace, bro.  
Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: Tom 10 on November 03, 2016, 07:03:58 PM

Hi Mark,

Nothing like the sight of early winter wheat across rolling hills.  I had no idea our respective locations shared that. 

We are just finishing the real harvest now, and I have also been struck with so much poem-worthiness abounding.  :)

T
Title: Re: Sorting Densities
Post by: matty11 on November 03, 2016, 10:45:07 PM
Quote
Rent an air boat and pilot
the swamps
peruse the weedy densities.
Morning sun.
Adjust your aperture, focus.

The imperative of this got me into the poem.

Quote
You are not paparazzi,
nor an assassin.

Enjoyed the sonics there and assassin/listen.

Perhaps S1 asks the reader to unravel rather than engage?

Either way, an involving read overall - as usual.

best

matty








   Sorting Densities

Roughly the heft at mid-torso
of rye bread over-baked
forsaken and cooling too long,
poised as an alligator newly emergent
shiny
dark eyes alert
waiting outside Orlando.
 
Rent an air boat and pilot
the swamps
peruse the weedy densities.
Morning sun.
Adjust your aperture, focus.

You are not paparazzi,
nor an assassin.

Like him, you come in search
when you sense what listens
has stopped.