My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Script => Topic started by: jacob_metcalf on January 16, 2016, 06:44:37 PM

Title: Opening of my David Cronenberg/Requiem For A Dream influenced script W/D1,118
Post by: jacob_metcalf on January 16, 2016, 06:44:37 PM
FADE IN:
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
Front doors of a church, overcast day.
A sign to the right of the door reads ďMary Crowe Memorial Service 10/12/1950 - 11/01/2020Ē.
The doors push open and out stream a large group of people. Leading the crowd is DANIEL CROWE, son of Mary Crowe. He is no older than 40.
FADE OUT.
INT. SMALL CAFE - DAY
Daniel sits at a table with two other men, PATRICK CROWE, his brother and ARNOLD GEROVITZ, the family attorney.
There is a sense of sorrow and grief throughout the entire cafe.
ARNOLD GEROVITZ
You can pick up the deed at town hall for the house, Patrick. That just leaves the land and cabin out on Mulberry.
Patrick turns to Daniel
PATRICK CROWE
I donít have any use for it. You can use it for hunting?
Daniel stirs his coffee
DANIEL CROWE
I donít know. ĎProbably do more bad than good. Can we just hold onto it?
ARNOLD GEROVITZ
We need ownership from someone.
DANIEL CROWE
I feel like it would just rot... I donít have time to tend to it.
There is silence.
CUT TO:
EXT. LARGE FIELD - DUSK
Daniel steps out of his rusty pickup truck. He is on his mothers property. A small cabin overlooks a vast field then hilly, Vermont mountains.
CUT TO:
INT. CABIN - DAY
Daniel stands inside his mothers cabin, dating back four generations. The walls are covered in peeling wallpaper and stains. He picks up a photo of him, his brother and his mother that sits on the coffee table.
After gazing at the photo for a moment, he sighs and exits the door he just entered.
CUT TO:
INT. DELAPADATED APARTMENT - NIGHT
Daniel is on the phone, sitting on a tattered couch. He is surrounded by trash and filth. In his hand is a credit card.
DANIEL CROWE
..3256. Thank you... Great... See you at nine. Bye...
He stands and walks to his room.
Inside are empty boxes which he grabs and begins to place folded clothes in.
CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - MORNING
Daniel waits outside of his apartment. All around him are boxes.
Moments later, a rusted van pulls up. Daniel opens the rear and begins to place his boxes inside.
CUT TO:
INT. DINER - DAY
Around a cheesy, polka-dotted booth sits Daniel and two other men.
MARCUS LOWELL, pokes a meatball with his fork while QUENTIN TAVERS continues a long monologue.
QUENTIN TAVERS
..Iíve buried quite a few people in my day, both family and friends, and let me tell you, Iíve never received any damn sign. No postcards, no letters, not even a dream. That whole notion you have Marcus, is a bunch of shit. You know damn well that after we die we all just cease to exist. Like thatís it, lights out.
MARCUS LOWELL
Oh save me the philosophical bullshit Quentin. My mother taught me to believe in God, so I do. Now what Iím not doing is jamming my beliefs down your throat..
QUENTIN TAVERS
You just fucking did! The hypocrisy is brimming!
DANIEL CROWE
Both of you, please...
The waitress interrupts them.
WAITRESS
How is everything over here?
QUENTIN TAVERS
Just dandy. Can I please get another Coke?
WAITRESS
Sure thing.
She exits.
QUENTIN TAVERS
Sorry Danny. How are things?
Daniel looks up, irritated.
DANIEL CROWE
Fine, I wasnít close to her.
QUENTIN TAVERS
Who?
MARCUS LOWELL
His mom, idiot
QUENTIN TAVERS
Oh shit, thatís right. Sorry...
Awkward pause
DANIEL CROWE
Oh well.
MARCUS LOWELL
Howís living in her place?
DANIEL CROWE
Itís better than where I was before, can we just go?
MARCUS LOWELL
Donít like the food?
Daniel pushes around his half eaten calzone.
DANIEL CROWE
Itís good... I just donít feel well.
QUENTIN TAVERS
Youíre coming off, here..
He hands Daniel a vaporizer pen.
QUENTIN TAVERS (CONTíD)
Got it last week. Better than before..
Hesitation, then Daniel takes a drag.
QUENTIN TAVERS (CONTíD)
Ninety a gram, cause weíre friends.
Daniel takes a look at the duo infront of him. Wrinkled skin, and cold sores but still flashing welcoming smiles.
CUT TO:
INT. CABIN - DAY
Daniel sits on an ugly upholstered couch with a needle in his arm. His pupils dilate and he slinks into his seat.
The area around him becomes covered in an inky-twilight hue.
Adjacent from Daniel, an old rotary telephone begins to ring. He hobbles over to it.
DANIEL CROWE
Hello?
Silence
He drops the phone on the table and walks into the kitchen. A loud, static-like noise begins to come from the other room. Daniel angrily storms back.
MARY CROWE (O.S.)
Danny...
He stops dead in his tracks.
MARY CROWE (O.S.) (CONTíD)
Here Danny, Here... The phone
DANIEL CROWE
What the fuck...
MARY CROWE (O.S.)
Daniel, put a quarter in the jar!
He backs up
DANIEL CROWE
Mom?
 MARY CROWE (O.S.)
Who else? Come over here, didnít you miss me?
He wanders over to the phone
DANIEL CROWE
How are you doing this?
MARY CROWE (O.S.)
Doing wh... Oh, talking to you? God has me all hooked up with a line to talk to my children. You and Patrick.
DANIEL CROWE
God?
MARY CROWE (O.S.)
Well whereíd you think I was? You might want to start going to church honey, you need it.
DANIEL CROWE
I... I donít believe this...
MARY CROWE (O.S.)
What donít you believe? God lets everyone talk to their loved ones. Donít you remember reading that in Sunday school? You need to start doing things baby, supporting yourself. Iíve been watching and if youíre to live in my house, youíre to be productive.
DANIEL CROWE
I...
MARY CROWE (O.S.)
Itís OK, you just need motivation.
DANIEL CROWE
I know ma.. But, I have a job interview tomorrow. Down at the Lawrence Department Store  
MARY CROWE  (O.S.)
Is that so? Maybe I was wrong, thatís wonderful!
DANIEL CROWE
Thank you...
MARY CROWE (O.S.)
If you have your fathers wits, youíll swooze them with no problem. He loved you boys so much.
DANIEL CROWE
He was a great man. Have you seen him up there?
MARY CROWE (O.S.)
On occasion. I see him every Thursdays for cocktails in the lounge.
DANIEL CROWE
Oh?...
MARY CROWE (O.S.)
I need to go angel, I love you.
DANIEL CROWE
But when will I talk to you again?
MARY CROWE (O.S.)
After your interview tomorrow, come back and tell me how it went. Just dial pound then thirty-nine. I really must be going, he wants me back. Goodbye Daniel.
DANIEL CROWE
Goodbye mother... goodbye... I love you.
The telephone clicks and Daniel is left alone. He sits back in his chair and lets the room flood around him.
Title: Re: Opening of my David Cronenberg/Requiem For A Dream influenced script
Post by: jacob_metcalf on January 16, 2016, 06:47:20 PM
I apologize, I did not format this correctly. I appeared correct when copying and pasting from Final Draft but it didn't work. Not sure how to delete.
Title: Re: Opening of my David Cronenberg/Requiem For A Dream influenced script W/D1,118
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on January 16, 2016, 08:00:10 PM
Jacob, Please take the time to read the guidelines for this board.

Here's a link to make them easy to find.
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=3425.0

Thank you,
Alice
Global Moderator
Title: Re: Opening of my David Cronenberg/Requiem For A Dream influenced script W/D1,118
Post by: Vogel on January 17, 2016, 09:22:11 AM
I don't usually critique scripts, and I'm not a scriptwriter, just a fan of film, so take my advice with a grain of salt. You caught my attention because I loved Requiem for a Dream. Ellen Burstyn was brilliant. Actually, the whole cast did an excellent job.

INT. DELAPADATED dilapidated APARTMENT - NIGHT
Daniel is on the phone, sitting on a tattered couch. He is surrounded by trash and filth. In his hand is a credit card.
Quote
DANIEL CROWE
..3256. Thank you... Great... See you at nine. Bye...
He stands and walks to his room.
Inside are empty boxes which he grabs and begins to place folded clothes in.
CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - MORNING
Daniel waits outside of his apartment. All around him are boxes.
Moments later, a rusted van pulls up. Daniel opens the rear and begins to place his boxes inside.
CUT TO:
INT. DINER - DAY
In the above two scenes, it doesn't seem like enough happens. Maybe you could add more action that is revealing of the plot or character. So far, there's not a lot of conflict apparent. For this type of story, I think there's a heavy sense of death and while you have the funeral, there's not much else to latch onto here. Maybe the character could look at his track marks early on or give us some clue as to what his current state is. The phone call doesn't seem to have a purpose here either, because you don't clue us in on why he has his credit card out. Unless you're just showing that the phone is working for the scene later on, or to set up for the scene in the diner, but it doesn't really make sense to me because why would he have his credit card out beforehand? Maybe I'm missing something here. What do the numbers represent? Maybe he calls up his drug dealer?


Oh save me the philosophical bullshitcomma Quentin. My mother taught me to believe in God, so I do. Now what Iím notgoing to do is jam doing is jamming my beliefs down your throat..  Use or lose. My tweak seemed more natural to my ear, but it may not to yours, so.
QUENTIN TAVERS
You just fucking did! The hypocrisy is brimming! Do people say actually say this? I would think he'd say something more along the lines of: You're full of shit.
Itís better than where I was before, can we just go?  I missed this detail during the first read through. Nice touch. I imagined that he was in a flophouse or a cheap hotel room or something.


QUENTIN TAVERS (CONTíD)
Got it last week. Better than before.. I'm not quite sure I get this. What's in the vaporizer pen? Tobacco liquid? Pot?
Hesitation, then Daniel takes a drag.
QUENTIN TAVERS (CONTíD)
Ninety a gram, cause weíre friends.  Pot isn't this expensive, unless you're not talking about American dollars, so I imagine he's vaporizing something harder
Daniel takes a look at the duo infront of him. Wrinkled skin, and cold sores but still flashing welcoming smiles.
CUT TO:
INT. CABIN - DAY
Quote
Daniel sits on an ugly upholstered couch with a needle in his arm. His pupils dilate and he slinks into his seat.

This was a major nitpick for me in Requiem for a Dream. I assumed that the characters were meant to be on heroin, not cocaine. Heroin makes the eyes reticulate, not dilate. Cocaine makes eyes dilate. So the movie was not accurate there. It's just a nitpick, I know, but anyone who's ever used drugs will pick up on this.

I would keep the dialogue between Mom and Daniel short and sweet. Leave us with a bit of mystery. Maybe she says a few words, Daniel recognizes her voice and then she's gone. So  he can't be sure if it was her or not. Also, I was a bit confused by the "Put a quarter in the jar". Why would he need a quarter for a rotary phone? Don't let it drag on too long, or you'll lose the sense of mystery. It's also apt to turn cheesy. That's all my opinion, so use or lose. Hope this helps..

In the conversation between your MC and the other men, I think you missed a good opportunity to show a bit more about the late mother's character and her relationship with her son. I also think Daniel could be fleshed out a bit more. Requiem for a Dream is a tragedy. Is that what you hope to accomplish with your piece? In order for the tragic feel to work, we need to see some sort of desire or dreams from Daniel early on, so that when he uses drugs, it's tragic because we had hoped for something better, something more. What made Requiem for a Dream so tragic was all the love and expectation. The mother's need for her son's love and time. A beautiful young couple, in love. And it all goes to hell over drugs, so when it does, we feel for them because we wanted good things for them, we wanted them to be happy. Does that make sense? I loved the scene where they're trying to kick the habit. It was really realistic. A person coming off drugs is going to feel unanimated, lifeless and desperate. You could play on this aspect more, I think. There's also ways that you could incorporate some sense of loss in Daniel's life. You could also use details to clue us into the fact htat he's staying at his mother's, which could trigger memories for him. What has he given up, sacrificed for his drug addiction? I'll quit rambling, anyway, so use or lose.