My Writers Circle
Workshop => Review My Script => Topic started by: Robert.OSullivan on January 02, 2016, 08:41:43 PM
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Hi, this is my first war screenplay so I'm a bit nervous about posting this - and I really wanted some feedback, so here it is!
Any feedback is appreciated, the title is "Soldier of Overkill"
1. FROM BLACK WE HEAR:
VOICE OVER
From day one, I always wanted to be
a SEAL.
FADE IN
2. INT. LIBRARY - DAY
SHOT ON "MEN IN GREEN FACES" BY GENE WENTZ.
The book is in a long line of military books on the shelf in
the library.
VOICE OVER
When I was in Junior High in
Dallas, I was assigned to do a book
report. Not many books could peak
my interest. But one did.
A hand reaches up into frame and takes "Men in Green Faces"
from the shelf.
VOICE OVER
That one was Men in Green Faces by
Gene Wentz, a former seal.
CUT TO:
3. INT. BEDROOM - EVENING
A young-ish boy, around 13, a younger version of the
narrator, lays on the bed, reading the book. This is Mark
Bennett.
VOICE OVER
Ever since I read page 1, I knew I
was going to be a SEAL.
There's a knock on the door.
MARK
Yeah?
VOICE OUTSIDE DOOR (O.S.)
Dinner's ready.
FADE TO BLACK.
4. THE FOLLOWING TEXT FADES IN OVER BLACK:
2011 - 21 years later.
FADE IN
5. INT. DARK HELICOPTER - NIGHT
We can hear heavy breathing.
Then, a light flickers on, it comes from the cockpit, it
lights up the cabin slightly.
We see an older MARK BENNETT, still not as old as the
narrator, but getting there, sitting in the cabin, no seats
are in the cabin.
He is surrounded by a group of soldiers, 11 to be exact.
The helicopter they are in is an MH-60 Black Hawk.
The heavy breathing continues.
Then; it fades out. A loud sound, of the helicopter's ROTORS
kick in, it fills the cabin with noise.
The door to the helicopter is open.
Mark walks over to the helicopter door and stretches his
legs out.
SQUAD LEADER
Don't go jumping on me, Bennett.
MARK
Just getting the blood flowing,
sir.
Mark is sweating heavily. Understandably nervous.
VOICE OVER
Tonight was the night. I couldn't
feel my legs, I thought this might
give 'em a kick. My logic was
slightly off. I had been cramped in
the cabin for the last hour and a
half, but just 5 minutes ago, we
put on our gear, helmets, checked
radios, made sure the weapons were
up to scratch.
POV - MARK
Mark looks down at the city of Abbottabad.
VOICE OVER
The men I was with on the mission
were the best of the best, we were
handpicked from hundreds to do this
mission, and I was grateful for the
oppurtunity. I had no doubt we
could do what we had to - I trusted
these men and they trust me back.
SHOT IN THE CABIN
We focus on Mark, still sitting on the side.
CLOSE UP ON MARK
Mark closes his eyes.
FLASH TO:
6. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
A younger Mark is watching the TV, it's the news, describing
the 9/11 attacks, Mark looks shocked, in disbelief.
VOICE OVER
I dreamed about this mission since
I saw 9/11 on the news. I was just
home from my barracks for 2 weeks,
and I came home and saw this.
BACK TO
7. EXT. HELICOPTER - NIGHT
The shot focuses on the helicopter, Mark still sits on the
edge.
VOICE OVER
As I watched, I wished I was in
Afghanistan, chasing down those Al
Qaeda fuckers and teaching them a
little lesson.
SQUAD LEADER (O.S.)
Bennett! Get your ass in here.
FLASH TO:
8. EXT. PLANE - DAY
Set days after the 9/11 attacks.
Mark gets ready to board the plane, kissing his girlfriend,
possibly for the last time to his knowledge.
BACK TO
9. INT. HELICOPTER - NIGHT
The 12 soldiers, including Mark, and their squad leader sit
in the cabin, most on the floor, some on cheap lawn chairs.
Squad leader sits on the chair.
SQUAD LEADER
We're approaching our destination,
should be there soon, we're gonna
do one final check on weapons and
then we gotta prepare. We gotta
take our chances on this mission,
been almost a decade after the
attack in NY, and 8 years of
chasing this fucker.
Let's go get this terrorist
bastard.
Mark, Walt, you get the door, watch
the compound as we approach.
Mark and Walt, the sniper of the crew, walk over to the
doorway of the helicopter.
Walt hangs one leg out and the other lies behind him.
Mark sits with both legs out. Mark carries an assault rifle,
the M16A4, Jay has a long barrel sniper, his barrel scouts
for victims around the compound. Mark's job to survey where
he isn't looking.
VOICE OVER
No one believed this mission would
be approved in Washington, but now
- we were just minutes away from
the compound.
The heavy breathing starts again.
Mark grabs the rope attached to the Black Hawk's fuselage.
This brings a calm over him.
The breathing becomes less heavy, they turn to long, deep
breaths.
SQUAD LEADER
We clear?
MARK
Yeah.
SQUAD LEADER
What?
MARK
(SHOUTING)
I said yes, sir.
SQUAD LEADER
(TO PILOT)
We're clear, bring 'er down.
Modified to remove all the cap. letters in the subject line.
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Hi Robert,
It's always nice to see a new member who is eager to take part in our forum.
But it's considered good manners to take a moment and introduce yourself, sharing as much or as little as you’re comfortable with on our Welcome Board before posting any more:
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7415.0
You may have noticed that I modified your subject line to remove all but the first letter of each word so others wouldn't feel you were SHOUTING at us.
It’s also helpful to read the forum guidelines a moderator will be along to offer you.
You’ll find guidelines for individual prose and poetry boards in the left hand menu when you open the board, titled something such as Read This First and marked with a blue stick pin.
The guidelines were developed to help everyone, new and current members alike, have a fair chance to have their work read and reviewed.
Thank you,
Alice
Global Moderator
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Welcome to MWC, Robert. I don't usually critique scripts, focusing more on the prose posted in RMW and PW threads, but your post grabbed my attention. Why? Because it sounded like a variation of the SEAL Team Six mission that killed Osama bin Laden. I'm wondering if you based it on research of the many articles written, some by former SEALs, since you interject specifics about arms used, the helicopter type, etc. I will not critique your scripting format, etc. since it's not my forte, however, I will say that the pace and tension the internal thoughts and dialogue need work to heighten the tension and compell audience attention.
You may have seen this article in the August 8, 2011 issue of New Yorker magazine. If not, here is the link: http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2011/08/08/getting-bin-laden
It was written by Reporter at Large Nicholas Schmidle. The Article contains many details gleaned from firsthand recollections of some of the SEALs that attended the mission. Schmidle's writing style creates an exciting account, and reads like a movie script or novel in the passages that recount the events leading up to and during the raid. You might find it to be a useful 'prompt' for adding to the script you are posting here. Careful not to plagiarize. Use it for research, particularly to get the details correct and add to the authenticity and believability of your script.
JMO. Use or lose and good luck.
AQ
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The end to the opening;
...
CUT TO:
10. LATER
The helicopter is on it's shaky way down.
It is clearly unstable, the driver is having some trouble.
The helicopter looks as if it might crash.
Mark looks down, rope in his hand, he thinks about throwing
it down to climb down, but he decides against it.
The helicopter steadies up into an awkward hovering
position.
PILOT
We're gonna have to go around.
Mark looks disappointed.
VOICE OVER
The reason I was unhappy about this
was that it would add time to our
mission, we would have to fly
around to the south and land, and
then assault from outside the wall
- giving people inside the compound
time to arm themselves and get
ready.
The helicopter starts to climb out of it's hovering position
- when;
THE HELICOPTER MAKES A BAD TURN AND STARTS SPINNING
Mark looks as if he's about to slide out, but Walt manages
to grab Mark's armor and keep him in place.
Walt pulls Mark in.
The ground is getting closer and closer.
Mark is able to adjust his body to tuck in his legs from the
window.
But Walt can't, the cabin is too crowded and he can't move
back.
GO SLOW MOTION
SHOT ON MARK
He tucks his head down, preparing for the inevitable impact.
SHOT ON WALT
He is scared-looking, one of his legs remain out of the
cabin.
POV - PILOT
The ground is getting nearer and nearer from the view of the
cockpit.
SHOT ON MARK
He remains in a tucked position.
CUT TO BLACK
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The formatting is okay, but you don't need to number the scenes.
A young-ish boy, around 13, a younger version of the Here
narrator, lays on the bed, reading the book. This is Mark
Bennett.
During these descriptions, you have to cut anything that can't be seen or heard. The fact that he is the narrator will be obvious from the narration.
MARK BENNETT, 13, lies on the bed reading the book.
- - -
Other things...
Capitalizing "rotors" is a bit random and not needed.
The squad leader says "terrorist bastard" but he would probably just say "bastard".
I don't think you need to cut to the 9/11 news report, just stay with Mark in the helicopter.
Tighten this up and it could be pretty interesting.
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Sprocket:
Thank you for the feedback, I do admit the flashbacks might have been a bit too much and going to stereotypical war movie. As for the extra information - I always include it in my first drafts because I want to try paint a clear image in my head and the reader's head, but I understand where you're coming from. And I like to number scenes so I can make a reference for a character like, when the squad leader is introduced later on as "Gerry" I say "He is a younger looking version of the squad leader from scene (number)"
But thank you for the feedback and I will work to make it better.