My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Script => Topic started by: FrankieG702 on September 30, 2015, 12:18:10 AM

Title: Screenplay-840 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: FrankieG702 on September 30, 2015, 12:18:10 AM
Hi, I'm Frank. Apologies for submitting too many words the first time around. Here are the first 840 words of my first script. I plan to produce it independently and I'm all ears. I'm hoping to find out the amateur moves I made and I would like to know if keeping the hotels fictional is the right call.

Thanks a ton for taking the time to read it.

The Lights of Las Vegas Boulevard

FADE-IN

INT-HOUSE-LOS ANGELES CALIFORNIA-NIGHT

A 34 year-old brunette sits at her breakfast bar working on her lap top.

She has her hair pulled back and her sleeping clothes on.

She sits with her back to the front room where the TV is on to keep her company.

A faint sound from the back gets her attention for a brief moment.

She goes right back to what she was doing.

A man's gloved hand bursts through the glass on the back door and feels around for the lock.

The woman screams and runs towards the front door.

Two muted gunshots bust the front door's lock and another man wearing gloves bursts through the door, brandishing a gun with a silencer.

The woman screams and runs the opposite direction to see the first man right in front of her.

The first man smacks her hard with the back of his hand and knocks her down.

The second man stands over her with the gun at his side.

SECOND MAN
Matthew Frye.

The woman looks at him in horrified disbelief.

SECOND MAN
Who else knows?

She says nothing.

FIRST MAN pulls the woman up by her hair.

FIRST MAN
Tell us, Samantha.

A look of utter fear flashes across SAMANTHA'S face.

EXT-SANTA MONICA PIER-NIGHT

The two men who broke into Samantha's home stand at the end of the pier.

The bigger man of the two tosses what looks like a tied-up pillow case into the water below, it quickly sinks.

INT-LAX TERMINAL NIGHT

The two men who broke into Samantha's apartment are waiting for their flight.

They are, Brian MILLS and Jerry SCHAEFER.

MILLS is tall, fit and well-groomed.

SCHAEFER is a big man with rings on his fingers and tattoos on his knuckles.

SCHAEFER is reading a copy of Maxim.

MILLS sits impatiently with his arms folded.

MILLS
Think we'll get back in time for a steak at Smith and Jones?

What time is it?

SCHAEFER says nothing.

MILLS looks at his phone.

MILLS
It was kinda creepy, right? On the pier, at night like that. Nobody around.

SCHAEFER says nothing.

MILLS looks at SCHAEFER and realizes he is talking to himself.

MILLS
LA sucks.

SCHAEFER puts the magazine down.

SCHAEFER
It's like another planet. What's wrong with the people here?

MILLS
And they don't stop coming and coming. Ruining my town.

SCHAEFER
Total idiots behind the wheel. 

MILLS
Don't get me started. 

SCHAEFER
Buncha wannabes.

MILLS
Fuck this place.

A gorgeous blonde woman with a supermodel figure walks by rolling her luggage behind her.

SCHAEFER
The women though.

MILLS
Can't argue with that.

MILLS and SCHAEFER knock their fists together and SCHAEFER goes back to reading the magazine.

INT-SAMANTHA's HOUSE-NIGHT

SAMANTHA lay dead on the floor of her ramshackled apartment with a bullet hole in her forehead. 

EXT-THE SKY OVER LAS VEGAS NEVADA-NIGHT

A jet airliner comes in over the lights of Las Vegas Boulevard and makes its landing.

Superimpose:
The Lights of Las Vegas Boulevard[/n]

EXT-LAS VEGAS BOULEVARD-NIGHT

Music and head credits play over the mild hustle and bustle of Las Vegas Boulevard on a crisp February evening. Pedestrians crossing the street and overpasses, police with a motorist pulled over to the side of the street, tourists scattered sparsely at outdoor bars and eateries, people posing for photos with street performers, others huddled together performing at an outdoor karaoke bar, etc.

Pedestrians on the sidewalk are going about their business as the music turns to source music.

A pounding Heavy Metal song blares from an approaching car in the Northbound lanes.

As the car gets closer the music drowns out the ambient noise, attracting the attention of pedestrians it passes on the sidewalk.

The car speeds by continuing North as the credits roll to an end.

INT-CAR-NIGHT

A man in his early thirties sings along enthusiastically with the Heavy Metal song playing at maximum volume from his car speakers.

He is, Kevin Bonham, a lifelong resident of Las Vegas.

He has dark blond hair and is wearing a V-neck sweater and jeans.

EXT-LAS VEGAS BOULEVARD-NIGHT

Kevin's car stops at a red light in the left turning lane at the intersection of Las Vegas Boulevard and Sahara Boulevard, the music blares from his open windows.The light changes.

INT-CAR-NIGHT

KEVIN accelerates and makes a left turn, continuing to sing his heart out and rock his face off.

EXT-INTERSECTION OF LAS VEGAS BOULEVARD AND SAHARA BOULEVARD-NIGHT

Kevin's car heads West up Sahara Boulevard, music blaring.

INT-HOOP'S PLACE-NIGHT

KEVIN and his old friend Grant "HOOP" Hooper sit in Hoop's living room around the coffee table, laughing.

An animated program plays on the television.

HOOP is 31, covered in tattoos and costume jewelry, wearing a goatee and a "Lady Gaga" T-shirt.

HOOP takes a small white rubber container from a wooden box in front of him and removes the lid.

HOOP
Here, Kev. Check this out. OG Kush. Nug-run. Butane extracted. Sixty. One-fifty for an eighth.

HOOP hands the container to KEVIN, it's filled with a gooey, dark substance.
Title: Re: Screenplay-840 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: hillwalker3000 on September 30, 2015, 05:48:42 AM
This is 95% narrative where you describe what the characters looks like and tell us what's happening on the screen (or indeed off-screen) and only 5% dialogue. At best it's a storyboard.

I suggest you read some screenplays that are available for free on-line. At the moment it's impossible to make any meaningful comment.

H3K
Title: Re: Screenplay-840 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: FrankieG702 on September 30, 2015, 12:40:44 PM
Thanks, I appreciate your feedback. It's only the first few minutes of he film. There are no conversations yet. Would you like to read more?
Title: Re: Screenplay-840 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: hillwalker3000 on September 30, 2015, 01:15:58 PM
Not especially.

 ???

I'm wondering why you chose to post this section of the film since there's no dialogue here worth mentioning.

Screenplays are judged by the quality of the dialogue not by how well the writer describes the setting or the characters. It's rather like asking an Art critic to give meaningful feedback on a painting when all they're shown is the picture frame.

H3K
Title: Screenplay-Part 2-682 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: FrankieG702 on September 30, 2015, 01:19:48 PM
CONTINUED:

HOOP removes the lid from another container, this one blue, and hands it to KEVIN.

KEVIN sets the white container down and takes the blue one from HOOP.

HOOP
Girl Scout Cookies. CO2 extracted. Seventy. One-eighty an eighth.

KEVIN
Nug-run?

HOOP
They all are, actually.

HOOP removes the lid from a multi-colored container and hands it to KEVIN.

KEVIN is immediately impressed, he holds it to his nose.

HOOP
Fruity Pebbles. Also CO2 extracted. Eighty. Two-ten an eighth. We'll just say two-hundred for you.
 

KEVIN
Fruity Pebbles?

HOOP
Hybrid. Some rapper made it.

KEVIN
I definitely want some of this. Let me get an eighth and an eighth of the second one you showed me.

HOOP
Girl Scout Cookies.

HOOP begins to put together KEVIN'S order.

KEVIN fishes out his wallet.

HOOP
(Does the math in his head)
Three-fifty will work.

KEVIN
Cheers.

KEVIN lays the money on the coffee table as HOOP weighs out the order.

HOOP
Wanna dab?

KEVIN
What do you think?

HOOP gets up and walks to another room.

He returns with a glass bong and a small electrical device which he plugs into the wall at the far end of the couch.

HOOP sets the bong and the device on the coffee table in front of him as he sits down.

The device is connected to an oddly shaped piece of metal about three inches long.

HOOP places the piece of metal on the stem of the bong and turns the black knob on the device.

KEVIN
Love the electric nail. Feel like a caveman with my torch.

HOOP
Expensive as Hell but as much as I dab. Plus, when there's a lot of people. It's just easier.

KEVIN
How long does that take to heat up?

HOOP
No time at all. I cranked it.

HOOP uses something that resembles a dental tool to dig a dab of the dark brown substance from another rubber container, and hands the tool to KEVIN.

KEVIN picks up the bong with his other hand, puts it to his mouth, and places the tip of the tool to the piece of metal. 

The substance sizzles as the bong fills with smoke while KEVIN inhales.

KEVIN places the bong down and hands the tool to HOOP.

HOOP follows suit.

KEVIN
(Exhaling)
You hear about those motherless pricks killed that bird at Sunbelt?

HOOP
Wha..?

KEVIN
They got that sanctuary there, you know? You can see the peacocks and shit from the coffee shop.

HOOP
Right.

KEVIN
Two drunk douche bags, some Ivy League law student fuckheads, ripped the bird's head off.

HOOP
Get out. Why?

KEVIN
Shits and giggles.

HOOP
That's all sorts of wrong.

KEVIN
People come here and lose their fucking minds.

HOOP
I remember hearing about some guy who took a gondola for a solo ride at Little Venice and scratched it all up.

KEVIN
True story. Had to pay for a brand new gondola. The hotels do not fuck around.

HOOP
No way. Those things must cost more than a Mercedes.

KEVIN
I heard his hotel bill was like twenty-eight thousand dollars or somethin.'

HOOP
No way.

KEVIN
Word. I don't know but I heard more than once he really had to pay for it.

HOOP
I don't wanna get into the "this town has changed" talk or whatever but, like, remember when we were kids and all we complained about was how there aint' shit to do in this town and The Strip is for adults and all that? But, like now, we're adults and The Strip is loaded with things to do, but we don't wanna go near it if we don't have to.
 

KEVIN
Most locals don't.

HOOP
Downtown is where it's at.

KEVIN
No doubt. They're just goin' at it. Looks different every time I'm there.I heard they're thinking about taking the canopy down.

HOOP
Figures. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, except anything we build.

KEVIN
(Laughs)
That's a good one.

HOOP
I always hated that slogan. That's why people come here and act like idiots. We invite them to.

(To Be Continued)
Title: Re: Screenplay-840 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: FrankieG702 on September 30, 2015, 01:22:59 PM
Thanks. I posted the next 640 words if you want to read it. It's all dialogue. Your opinion would be appreciated.
Title: Re: Screenplay-Part 2-682 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: hillwalker3000 on September 30, 2015, 02:22:23 PM
So what do we have now? Two guys doing a drugs deal maybe. The terminology will presumably mean something to your intended audience.

But you’re still guilty of writing more stage directions than actual dialogue – some of which can’t possibly be shown on screen. This for example:

HOOP
(Does the math in his head)
Three-fifty will work.

How do you suggest an actor does this so the audience are aware what’s going on? It’s not your job as screenwriter to tell the actor how to act.

And again there’s so much scene-setting and detailed choreography and so little dialogue:

He returns with a glass bong and a small electrical device which he plugs into the wall at the far end of the couch.
HOOP sets the bong and the device on the coffee table in front of him as he sits down.
The device is connected to an oddly shaped piece of metal about three inches long.
HOOP places the piece of metal on the stem of the bong and turns the black knob on the device.


I think you have two mildly interesting slacker heroes – but is there anything here to make me sit up and go ‘Wow’? No. This comes across as a poor man’s version of ‘Breaking Bad’ - where nothing happens. If you’re producing this and directing it yourself that won’t be such a problem because there’s no need to pitch it to anyone else. But if you’re looking to sell this script to Hollywood or whatever it needs a lot more oomph.

H3K
Title: Re: Screenplay-Part 2-682 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: FrankieG702 on September 30, 2015, 02:31:12 PM
Thanks, I hear you with the parenthesis. The amount Hoop charges Kevin is less than the prices he quoted so I wanted to show him doing the math real quick to give Kevin a discount but I hear you, the actor will pick up on that himself. I will fix that. Thanks a lot for reading it and providing feedback.
Title: Screenplay-Part 3-640 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use. W/C 673
Post by: FrankieG702 on October 01, 2015, 12:19:24 AM
Hi. Thank you to all who have read the first two parts of my script.
Here is part three, 640 words, submitted for critique.
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read it.

CONTINUED:

INT-APARTMENT-NIGHT

A tall man in his early thirties with black spiky hair and tattoos covering both arms,
sits in his front room on the phone.
He is, Matt FRYE, a waiter in Las Vegas who everyone, except him, refers to as "FRYE".

FRYE
Hi Samantha, Matt again.
I'm starting to become a little concerned.
Call me back, please. As soon as you can.

FRYE ends the call.

INT-KEVIN'S HOUSE-DAY

Enter Kevin's wife, DANIELLE, a beautiful redhead who is obviously returning from work.

She sets her things down as the family dog runs up to greet her.
KEVIN is in the kitchen making a sandwich directly on the counter.

DANIELLE
Hello.

KEVIN
(OC)
Hey babe.

DANIELLE
(To dog)
Hi Sweetie. Who's my baby?
(To Kevin)
How was your day?

DANIELLE begins to walk towards the kitchen and meets KEVIN
as he comes around the counter and gives her a kiss.
KEVIN is holding his sandwich, no plate. They take a seat at the kitchen table.

KEVIN
I'm starving. Want a sandwich?

DANIELLE
No thanks, I'll make something in a bit.

KEVIN
How was your day?

DANIELLE
I'm tired. What you been doing?

KEVIN
Uh, published a post, made a sandwich.
 (Smiles)
Got invited to an opening Thursday night.

DANIELLE
Where?

KEVIN
Cosmo. Sounds fancy-shmancy like.
Might be a fun one. Later than usual. Nine-thirty.

DANIELLE
Nice. I have open house Thursday though.

KEVIN
You could still go.

DANIELLE
You know I can barely drag my ass out of bed in the morning.

KEVIN
Think about it.

DANIELLE
What's the name of the new restaurant?

KEVIN
Fluoresence. Probably gonna be where that
Italian place used to be, next to Jacomo's.

DANIELLE
Oh yeah, Fluoresence. Supposed to be really nice.
Couple of teachers at work were talking about it the other day.
Awesome you're going.

KEVIN
Totally.

DANIELLE
I wish you got paid for going to these things.
That would be totally awesome.

KEVIN
Nobody gets paid, it doesn't work like that.

DANIELLE
The blog needs to start pulling its weight.
Know what I'm saying?

KEVIN
Well, I admit, it's not really blown-up. Not yet.
It needs to catch on. I'm not just fooling around though.
I got like real passion for this and shit.

DANIELLE
Babe, you started a website to write negative things
about your last job after you were fired.
Now you're a blogger, like out of the blue. And it got ugly with Lucy.

KEVIN
Can't make an omelette without cracking some eggs.

DANIELLE
I hear ya, I really do.
But, you did what you wanted to do and you spend a LOT of time writing, Kev.

KEVIN
Blogging. I couldn't call myself a writer with a straight face.
Lucy blindsided us after two years of promises.
I see it as a blessing in disguise now though, losing that job.
And I like the way I spend my time.

DANIELLE
That time could be spent earning.
Should be spent earning.

KEVIN
Tell ya what. If I can't figure out a way to pull in a decent income with
the blog by the end of Summer, I'll call Alex.
He'll give me some shifts at his cousin's place.

DANIELLE
End of Summer? It's not even March, dude.

KEVIN
(Laughs)

DANIELLE
Tell ya what, I'll give you until your birthday.
Yeah, that's a fair compromise.

DANIELLE gets up to circle the date on the calendar.

DANIELLE
June 6th. Boom.Can you live with that?

KEVIN
Guess I have to.

DANIELLE
Thank you.

DANIELLE goes to KEVIN to give him a kiss.

KEVIN
I'm checking out a restaurant at Little Venice tonight.
Gonna bring Ralph with me.
You'll probably be sleeping when I leave.

DANIELLE
Take whatever you need from my wallet.
I'm gonna take a shower.

KEVIN
Love you.

DANIELLE
Love.

DANIELLE exits, KEVIN continues to eat his sandwich.
(Continued)
Title: Re: Screenplay-Part 3-640 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: Simple Things on October 01, 2015, 09:13:56 AM
I am by no means a script writer. But I read this and liked the scene. I think you might need some 'shown actions' or indications of movement to direct the two characters more. Once they started talking it was all heads. I know the actors would add their own little bits but I still believe their movement needs some direction.

I didn't see much of the 'ugliness' in his reaction to her ultimatum. He must of ragged on that Lucy enough she'd notice, but when she laid down the law I only saw his reply which felt beaten. It could easily be switched by an action and his defense of 'I thought we agreed to give it until the end of summer?' or something to that effect. Just to show that 'passion' he was on about.

This line...

Quote
DANIELLE
I hear ya, I really do.
But, you did what you wanted to do and you spend a LOT of time writing, Kev.

KEVIN
Blogging. I couldn't call myself a writer with a straight face.

But she didn't call him a writer, and even if his mind 'heard' he say 'writer' I believe he could use...

KEVIN
Blogging. I couldn't call it writing with a straight face.

*

anyway just some thoughts.
Title: Re: Screenplay-Part 3-640 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: hillwalker3000 on October 01, 2015, 09:15:58 AM
I hate to keep repeating myself but this needs work:

Quote
INT-APARTMENT-NIGHT

A tall man in his early thirties with black spiky hair and tattoos covering both arms,
sits in his front room on the phone.
He is, Matt FRYE, a waiter in Las Vegas who everyone, except him, refers to as "FRYE".

it's not your job to describe the character's physical attributes in such detail. Height, hair-colour and hairstyle - 100% irrelevant. And unless you use a voice-over or some kind of onscreen text how do you expect the audience to know Matt goes by two names and is also a waiter?

Quote
FRYE ends the call.
Is this necessary in the script? The scene immediately switches to a new location so most will have the intelligence to realise he probably ended the call.

Quote
INT-KEVIN'S HOUSE-DAY
Enter Kevin's wife, DANIELLE, a beautiful redhead who is obviously returning from work.
She sets her things down as the family dog runs up to greet her.
KEVIN is in the kitchen making a sandwich directly on the counter.
DANIELLE
Hello.
KEVIN
(OC)
Hey babe.
DANIELLE
(To dog)
Hi Sweetie. Who's my baby?
(To Kevin)
How was your day?

Aside from the same issue again - Danielle's physical appearance - how do you expect the audience to know she is 'obviously' returning from work unless they are telepathic? The entire premise behind the statement is baffling. And you maybe need to ask yourself what's the point of the kitchen scene. Two people and a dog saying hello to each other. Wow. You even feel it necessary to specify that Kevin eats a sandwich without a plate. And still they continue to trade banal chit-chat about each other's day. . . Simple question. Is there supposed to be a story hidden here somewhere?

I'm not seeing anything to hold my attention or to tweak the curiosity of a potential audience. You manage to establish that Kevin's a blogger but no one is going to stick around long enough to discover this fact. You seriously need to cut to the chase.

H3K

Title: Re: Screenplay-Part 3-640 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: FrankieG702 on October 01, 2015, 02:02:31 PM
Thanks a lot for your feedback
Title: Screenplay-Part 4-738 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use. W/C 733
Post by: FrankieG702 on October 01, 2015, 02:24:28 PM
Hi, thanks to all who have read and commented on my posts. I really appreciate the feedback. Here is he next 740 words. Thanks again.

CONTINUED:

INT-FRYE'S APARTMENT-DAY

FRYE sits at the desk in his bedroom in front of his computer. He is dressed in black pants and a white shirt. A waiter's jacket is draped over the back of the chair he sits in. FRYE is transferring files from his PC to a flash drive. He removes the flash drive from the PC when the job is complete. FRYE stands up, puts the flash drive in his pocket, slings his waiter jacket over his shoulder and exits the room.

INT-ORIENT EXPRESS PARKING GARAGE-THIRD FLOOR-DAY

FRYE is backing into a parking space on the employee parking level. He exits the car and grabs his waiter jacket from a hanger in the back.
FRYE slings the waiter jacket over his shoulder and heads towards the employee entrance.

EXT-TOP FLOOR OF LITTLE VENICE PARKING GARAGE-NIGHT

KEVIN and his buddy RALPH are exiting the garage elevators and walking towards their cars.
RALPH is the same age as KEVIN, a tad shorter, black and very handsome.
RALPH wears a polo shirt and khakis, KEVIN wears jeans and an unzipped track jacket which reveals a plain black T-shirt underneath.
RALPH is excited about the the parlay bet he just made, he's holding his ticket.

RALPH
I feel good about these picks, dude.

KEVIN
You say that every week.

RALPH
Gotta stay positive.

KEVIN
When's the last time you hit a parlay, Ralph?

RALPH
It's been a minute, but, you know, I...Hey man, why you giving me grief?

KEVIN
(Smiles)
I'm not, dude. I know you dig it. Just don't get it.

RALPH
I didn't grow up here like you did. Guess the novelty hasn't worn off yet. Besides, what else is there to do in this town?

They stop at Kevin's car and continue talking.

KEVIN
Plenty.

RALPH
No beach, no sports team, museums suck, libraries suck. Shit, this town is lacking bro. Huge.

KEVIN
You love the mountains.

RALPH
True. Never hiked a foot, let alone climbed rocks 'til I got here, but for the most part living in Las Vegas is not what I expected.

KEVIN opens his car door, reaches in and pulls a blunt from the ashtray.

KEVIN
What'd you think of the restaurant?

RALPH
That waitress. Damn.

KEVIN
(Holds up blunt)
Wanna finish this with me?

RALPH
Sweet.

KEVIN sparks it up.

INT-ORIENT EXPRESS-AUTUMN SCARF RESTAURANT-WALK IN REFRIGERATOR-NIGHT

FRYE is on the phone, he's wearing his waiter jacket. His breath is visible as he talks over the air blowing through the vents.

FRYE
I'm gonna try and skate outta here in about thirty minutes.

I'll meet you at Spazzz Brothers on Trop and Decatur.

Yeah, everything.

OK.

FRYE puts his phone away fractions of a second before the RESTAURANT MANAGER enters the walk-in refrigerator.

RESTAURANT MANAGER
Frye, what are you doing in here right now?
Daniel said he's trying to find you.

FRYE grabs a tub of butter from one of the shelves.

FRYE
Just grabbing some butter.

FRYE makes towards the walk-in door.

RESTAURANT MANAGER
Let him do that. You take care of your tables.

FRYE
I'm a team player, boss.

EXT-TOP FLOOR OF LITTLE VENICE PARKING GARAGE-NIGHT

KEVIN and RALPH are hanging by the South side of the garage, looking over the ledge smoking the blunt.
The lights of Las Vegas Boulevard loom over the hotel tower to the West.

KEVIN
What were you saying about Amy before the waitress came to take our order?
She likes being back?

RALPH
We got distracted somehow.

Yeah, likes it. She's happy. Misses me. Hates the cold.

KEVIN
The desert will do that to ya. You guys used to make fun of me.

RALPH
All bundled up when it's sixty degrees outside. That cracks me up.

KEVIN
She find a job yet?

RALPH
Working for her dad.

My old job.

KEVIN
The indoor football team?

RALPH
Yup.

KEVIN
How's that working out?

RALPH
Not so great.

KEVIN gives RALPH a puzzled look.

RALPH
I'm moving back.

Like three weeks.

KEVIN
You serious? Since when?

RALPH
I was gonna tell you when the details were hammered out. Haven't told anyone yet.

KEVIN
No shit.

RALPH
Just need to sell some stuff to lighten the load, and I'm outta here.
Month, tops.

KEVIN
Damn. Won't be the same without you around.

RALPH
It's not like we'll never see each other. We'll visit, you could visit.

KEVIN
Right. Famous last words.
(Continued)
Title: Screenplay-Part 5-971 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use. W/C 966
Post by: FrankieG702 on October 01, 2015, 11:50:38 PM
Hello and thanks again for reading my previous posts. I've found the feedback to be useful and am applying the suggestions as I go along. It's invaluable to me and I can't thank you enough. Cheers.
This post is about 100 words longer than the longest of the others, but I wanted to cut to the chase.

CONTINUED:

RALPH
I visited all the time before I moved here.
I love it here.

KEVIN
But you're leaving.
The good ones always leave.
I shoulda seen this coming.

RALPH lets the finished blunt fall from his fingers.

RALPH
We'll do something epic to send me off.
Drive to LA or something.

KEVIN
That could be cool. Road trip.  

RALPH
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, bro.

KEVIN
I hear you, dog.

RALPH
I'm getting lazy-eyed bro. Gonna bounce.

KEVIN
Yeah, it's getting late.
I'm gonna shoot a few photos.
Maybe shoot a commentary for my channel.

RALPH gives KEVIN a handshake hug.

RALPH
That last one was hilarious.
When can I see it?

KEVIN
Probably sometime tomorrow afternoon.  

RALPH
Later, dude.

KEVIN
Hold on, let me get a photo.

RALPH smiles and KEVIN snaps a photo with his phone's camera.

KEVIN
Thanks. Later.

KEVIN watches RALPH get in his car and drive away.
KEVIN gets in his car and fishes through some CD's until he finds one he likes.
He puts the key in the ignition, inserts the CDand tracks through to the desired selection.
An upbeat NIGHTCLUB SONG begins to play.
KEVIN adjusts the volume.
He rifles through random items on the passenger seat and quickly finds the tripod for his phone.
KEVIN exits car, removes his phone from his pocket, attaches tripod, sets it on the car roof and adjusts the angle.
He presses record and steps back.

WE SEE the view from the CAMERA'S POV.
The parking garage of Orient Express Resort next door is visible behind KEVIN to the North.

KEVIN
Hi friends. Thanks for checking out my latest pre-post commentary.
It's Tuesday, February 26. As always, you'll find the full review plus
a bunch of cool photos on my blog BluntDinerz.com.
Wait 'til you see the waitresses, fellas.
I'm here at Little Venice reporting from the top floor of the parking
garage, and I just had a meal with my good friend Ralph at
The Candy Shack.
Friends, long story short, don't waste your time or hard-earned
dollars with this bullshit gimmick star-fucker candy store restaurant.
It's just another generic, celebrity-endorsed tourist trap.
Please don't forget to like comment and share.
Thanks. Later.

KEVIN stops the video, removes tripod and sets phone on top of car.
He gets in his car to stop the music and return the tripod.
KEVIN exits his car, grabs phone, switches it from video to photo and puts his keys in his pocket.
KEVIN walks towards the West side of the parking garage and holds up the phone.

CAMERA'S POV

WE SEE an obscured view of The Strip.
KEVIN walks to the South side of the garage and holds up the phone.

CAMERA'S POV

WE SEE the view of the parking garage next door.
Cars are circling for spots, a few people getting
in and out of their cars on different floors, a couple
making out against a car on another floor, a group
of revelers on another.
The camera stays with the lovebirds for a moment or two
then goes back to panning around the garage.

Back and forth, up and down.
This continues for a few seconds.
KEVIN puts the phone down and looks to the East,
the view offers nothing worth photographing.
KEVIN looks to the North, the view is even less interesting.
KEVIN switches the phone back to video, presses record
and holds up the phone to the garage again.

CAMERA POV
Up, down, left and right.
WE SEE cars on various floors coming and going,
the couple are getting in their car, the revelers
are in the distance making their way inside the hotel.
THE CAMERA pans down to the lower floors and
WE SEE a man in black and white attire in the distance on the third floor.
He's a tall dude, about 6'2, his sleeves are rolled up
revealing tattoos on both arms, his waiter jacket
slung over his shoulder, it's FRYE.

THE CAMERA stays with FRYE as he walks to his car.
Frye's car is parked on the very north side giving us a perfect view.
The beep is barely audible when FRYE unlocks his door.
FRYE opens the back door car and hangs the waiter jacket on the hanger.

The driver's side door of a car parked two spots away opens,
and a broad-shouldered man gets out.
He's dressed in black with an unmarked ball cap,
appears to be in his early fifties and stands about 5'11."
He's a weathered man who looks like he knows how to handle himself.
FRYE turns around, his car door halfway open with his hand still on the handle.
THE MAN IN BLACK extends his hand.
FRYE reluctantly shuts the car door and shakes hands with THE MAN IN BLACK.
The two men begin talking.
THE CAMERA holds on them for a few seconds and abruptly pans right and
begins to survey other sections of the garage.

Up, down, left, right, the garage has quieted some.
THE CAMERA never really stays fixed on anything.
Slowly, THE CAMERA pans left, back towards FRYE and THE MAN IN BLACK,
scanning for a new subject across the fourth floor.
As THE MAN IN BLACK and FRYE come into view below on the third floor,
WE SEE THE MAN IN BLACK strangling FRYE with some kind of wire,
almost lifting him off his feet.
THE CAMERA drops down to the action and comes to a dead stop.
FRYE, motionless, is easily laid to the ground with THE MAN IN BLACK
hovering over him squeezing the wire tighter and tighter.

THE MAN IN BLACK removes the wire from around Frye's neck
and puts it in his jacket pocket.
He cautiously stands upright and calmly walks towards his car.

CUT-TO-CLOSE UP-KEVIN

KEVIN
Fuck!
(Continued)
Title: Re: Screenplay-Part 5-971 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: hillwalker3000 on October 02, 2015, 06:02:26 AM
But you don’t 'cut to the chase'. You drag your heels to the chase, and by the time you get there we have long lost interest.

Let’s analyse the latest 1000 word extract.

•   The first 150 words involve Ralph and Kevin saying goodbye. It's not a pretty sight.
•   Then you take almost 100 words to tell us how Kevin gets a tripod out of his car – none of which is remotely interesting. You can simply jump-cut from the farewell clinch to Kevin’s selfie complete with monologue.
•   Then there’s the tedious speech to camera complete with description of the background shot – I’m guessing that’s going to be relevant. But almost 130 words to say so little – I’m curious who would be desperate enough to follow Kevin’s daily routine on his blogcast if describing a hot waitress is as good as it gets.
•   Another 300 words or so explaining in excruciating detail what Kevin does next – followed by the view through the camera lens (where mostly nothing happens). All you need to tell us is that Kevin looks through the camera. The movie director surely has enough imagination to deal with that in a manner that will keep the audience watching.
•   Then we get to see Frye. But we don’t need the description yet again. Didn’t we meet him earlier? Or are you trying to kid the director that it might be someone else? Again I’m baffled. All you have to write is

THE CAMERA pans down onto FRYE.
It’s a screenplay remember – not a novel. The director is meant to know exactly what's going on at every stage.

•   You then spend another 300 words telling us how and where two men shake hands. I might be coming across as flippant now, but basically that’s all you’re describing.

The only thing that’s important in the entire extract so far is this in a nutshell:
THE MAN IN BLACK strangles FRYE with a wire, then
removes the wire and puts it in his jacket pocket.
If it's a movie it's quite likely we'll 'see' this rather than hear it so I'm not sure why you need to spell out that we're seeing it.

And this line serves no purpose whatsoever:
He cautiously stands upright and calmly walks towards his car.
When we stand we become ‘upright’. That’s what the word 'stand' means. And ‘cautiously’ and ‘calmly’ – you’re directing the actor instead of writing a script. Do we even need to watch someone walk to a car and drive away? Where’s the element of suspense? You have to give the director and cast some leeway to interpret the script the way they feel will work best for the scene.

CUT-TO-CLOSE UP-KEVIN
KEVIN
Fuck!

Finally some meaningful dialogue.

I accept you need to set the scene and provide some context but that’s all you've been doing in every post so far. And again here, we have almost 980 words of set-up and 30 words of action. The dialogue remains forgettable - and it's surrounded by far too filler. By the time the murder happens it comes across as one more minor detail. That’s the problem when you obsess on describing everything your characters say and do regardless of its relevance to the story. Maybe you need to rewind and consider starting the story some place else.

H3K

Title: Re: Screenplay-Part 5-971 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: FrankieG702 on October 02, 2015, 07:29:56 AM
Thanks for your useful feedback once again.
Title: Screenplay-Part 6--Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use W/C 400
Post by: FrankieG702 on October 02, 2015, 02:05:34 PM
KEVIN quickly ducks. 
The phone falls to his feet.
He's crouched with his back to the wall. 
Frantically, he retrieves his phone from the ground, clutching it in his right hand.
He pivots to face the wall and stays still for a few very long seconds. 
Holding the phone, he places his hands on the ledge as he slowly begins to stand.
His eyes peer over the top of the wall.

CLOSE UP-MAN IN BLACK.

THE MAN IN BLACK is standing dead still and looking right at KEVIN.

KEVIN is completely upright now, petrified. 
The two men are staring right at each other. 
THE MAN IN BLACK keeps his eyes trained right on KEVIN,
pulls a phone from his pocket,
talks to somebody for less than two seconds,
and gets in his car. 

The tires squeal on the pavement as his car peels out.
KEVIN looks all around him, pacing back and forth in every direction,
practically walking in circles.

KEVIN
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. Holy shit, man. What the fuck.

KEVIN runs towards his car, stops,
turns around and runs back to the
ledge where he left his phone. 

The sound of squealing tires on the
street below distracts him. 
He sees the man in black's car now
exiting the adjacent parking garage.

KEVIN watches as it speeds West
towards Las Vegas Boulevard. 
He runs to the West side of the garage,
leaving his phone on the ledge.
KEVIN sees the car just as it
turns North on Las Vegas Boulevard.

KEVIN
Shit!

KEVIN makes a mad dash towards his phone. 
He clumsily knocks it off the ledge as he scrambles to grab it. 
KEVIN makes another mad dash towards his car as
he fishes his keys out of his pocket.

He drives two floors down, finds a parking space by the
entrance ramp, puts down his visor, and crouches in the seat. 

KEVIN waits until he sees the man in black's car speed up the
entrance ramp towards the top floor.  
He waits a couple of seconds to be sure the
coast is clear and gets out of there as
fast as he can without squealing his tires on
the pavement. 

Kevin's car disappears down the ramp.

TOP FLOOR

THE MAN IN BLACK checks his firearm for rounds and re-holsters it.
He stealthily checks every car on the floor and
any nook or cranny where someone could hide. 
He looks South towards the adjacent parking garage. 
FRYE'S corpse is gone and his car is pulling away.
Title: Script-Aliens on Las Vegas Boulevard W/C 608
Post by: FrankieG702 on October 04, 2015, 12:37:44 AM
Hi. This is a new script I'm working on. The first part is set in the future on a distant planet annexed by Earth thousands of years ago. I'm hoping to know if the world I created is believable. Thanks.


INT HOUSE NEW EARTH 3015 AD

URLIS NeCooper (21), a man in his early twenties is in his bedroom sitting up in his bed making short motions with his hands.
A large holographic image spans the entire wall in front of him. 
The view from his bedroom window shows a purple sky.
The hologram's definition is of cinematic quality and depicts a futuristic space battle. 
Space ships fly through the stars dodging asteroids and space monsters, firing, exploding.
The motions of Urlis' hands correspond to the action of one of the battleships as it maneuvers and fires upon its enemies. 
The door opens and Urlis' dad, URFUNG walks in.

URFUNG
Urlis!

Urlis is startled away from his video game as the hologram disappears and the lights to the bedroom flash on.

URFUNG
Work. Seventeen nemins.

URLIS makes a motion with his hands and a hologram of numbers appears right in front of him.

5904:483:64

The last two digits increase by one at an interval of about three seconds.

URLIS
Thank you dad. I'm actually starting an hour later than usual tonight but I still have to go.
Going to see Muinqa before work. 

URFUNG
Why the later start time?

The hologram disappears.

URLIS
I'm training Trinq tonight. Traftin wants me to show him how to close.
As a matter of fact, I was hoping to borrow your pod for work tonight.
I'm still having that problem with the thrust regulator.

URFUNG
I wouldn't expect you to have that taken care of.
It's only been three moon cycles.
Sorry son, your mother and I have plans.

URLIS
I can't have my pod breaking down while I'm training someone.

URFUNG
You may use the RP, if you'd like, but the fuel must be replaced.

URLIS
Deliver pizza in a Recreational Pod?

URFUNG
Or your own pod which you've neglected to repair.
You know the ignition code.
Don't forget to replace the fuel if you use it.

EXT NECOOPER RESIDENCE LANDING DOCK

URLIS is getting his work shirt from his pod which is hovering about six inches from the ground but inert as a boulder. 
His father's pod hovers between URLIS' pod and the Recreational Pod. 
The purple sky surrounds URLIS and the distance is vast in all directions
except his neighbor's homes and two moons that lurk in the East.
One of the moons appears to be very close, the other looms far away to the Northeast of the larger moon.

A WIDE SHOT reveals the entire neighborhood.
The houses are shaped like pyramids and hover in the air far, far up in the purple sky. 
All are black, of varying sizes and each have a beacon at the apex which shoots straight up and disappears into the sky. 
They all have landing docks in front for parking their pods.
Some landing docks are larger and more high-tech than the others.
URLIS walks to the front of the recreational pod and makes a short waving motion with his hand. 
The recreational pod lights up on the inside and out. 

URLIS makes another waving motion and the hatch opens. 
A circle of blue light at Urlis' feet lifts him up and in to the vehicle. 
URLIS waves again and the hatch closes.

INT RECREATIONAL POD

URLIS makes a motion with both arms and is automatically strapped in to the seat.

URLIS
Urlis. 1029384.

The recreational pod begins to vibrate quietly and its control panel lights up.

Woman's voice
(OC)
Hello Urlis.

You're almost late for work.

URLIS
Muinqa's please.

The pod begins to move in reverse.

WOMAN'S VOICE
(OC)
No work today?

URLIS
I'm closing tonight.
Title: Screenplay-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use W/C 640
Post by: FrankieG702 on October 04, 2015, 03:24:01 PM
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE PARKING LOT NIGHT

The store-front parking spaces are all occupied, customers are coming in and out. 
KEVIN is on the payphone.    

KEVIN...all black, he had a hat on.

Lexus.

Like gray or dark blue maybe.

The Super Mart on Main, by The Tower.

KEVIN looks at the store behind him.

KEVIN
(Continuing)
3601

Jeans and a track jacket.

Hanging out by my car.

Gold Grand Marquis.

Thanks.

Kevin hangs up the phone and reaches in his car to grab a cigarette and some Visine. 
He applies the Visine, lights the cigarette and leans back against his car.
The observation tower at The Tower Hotel and Casino looms in the distance. 
The bungee jumpers look like they're not attached to anything.
Bodies fall from the top as Kevin soaks in the scenery and smokes.
A couple of STREET KIDS to whom Kevin pays no mind walk by and mildly harass him simply because he's there. 

STREET KID
Yo, chief! I got that fire.

An unmarked police vehicle finally arrives and a uniformed OFFICER steps out.

KEVIN
Hey.

OFFICER
Mr. Bonham?

KEVIN
Yeah.

Kevin takes a drag of his cigarette.

INT BEDROOM MORNING

KEVIN and DANIELLE are in bed. Kevin wears the same clothes from the previous night and is sitting up, on top of the covers. 
Danielle is under the covers but also sitting up.

DANIELLE
...this is unbelievable. You had to hide? What if he saw you?
Kev, this is, this is..

KEVIN
I know.

DANIELLE
You had to be scared out of your mind.

KEVIN
I was shittin' pink Twinkies.

DANIELLE
Sad. Poor waiter. 
What if the guy is still looking for you?
You're not worried about that?

KEVIN
Nothing to worry about. 

DANIELLE
He saw you and came after you.

KEVIN
Doesn't mean he can find me, or would recognize me for that matter.
There was distance between us. It was dark.

DANIELLE
He's out there still. 

KEVIN
So are six hundred thousand other people. I saw his face too.

DANIELLE
Are you going to call the detective?

KEVIN
I gotta get a new phone today.
He's supposed to call me.

DANIELLE
Oh yeah. Shit. That's a few hundred bucks we don't need to spend right now.

KEVIN
I'll buy a cheap one.

DANIELLE
Yeah, be conservative.
You think they'll catch the guy?

KEVIN
Eventually, yeah. I mean, there's security cameras everywhere.

DANIELLE
Right. Especially in a hotel parking garage.
Maybe they caught him already.

KEVIN
Maybe he's halfway around the world by now freaking the fuck out.
That's where I'd be.

DANIELLE
He wasn't freaked out, obviously.
He came right for you.
KEVIN
D, even if the guy was looking for me, which I doubt, how would he find me? 

DANIELLE
I hope you hear from the cops today.
Oh, hey. Open house tonight, then I have to stop at my mom's.
I'll be home late.

KEVIN
I got that thing tonight at Venus.

DANIELLE
Oh, right. What time?

KEVIN
Nine-thirty. Ralph'll go. Oh, and guess what? He's moving back to Chicago.

DANIELLE
See that?

KEVIN
You called it.

DANIELLE
Amy calls the shots in that relationship.
(Teasing)
What you gonna do without your man crush?

KEVIN
(Laughs)
Jealous? C'mere, I'll show you a man crush.

Kevin pulls her to him and they playfully roughhouse for a few moments. 
Kevin lets Danielle wrestle her way on top of him and pin his arms down.

DANIELLE
Come right home after the thing tonight.
Don't go wandering The Strip with Ralph.

KEVIN
Right. Because the strangler in black is waiting for me.
You're a worry wart.

Danielle hops off of Kevin.

DANIELLE
I have to get ready. Please just come right home.

KEVIN
OK.

Danielle exits.
Title: Re: Screenplay-840 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: Carl Magnus on October 08, 2015, 02:57:21 PM
Hi. The main problem with the dialogue, as I see it, is that the lines are too short (on average).

For example:
"We'll visit, you could visit."

How do people actually speak? They interrupt each other, express their feelings etc. Some like the sound of their own voice more than others. I think you need to work more on the personalities of each character - to think about what they're like and what they would say.

Title: Re: Screenplay-840 Words-Suspense-Violence/Language/Drug Use.
Post by: w.yn. on November 14, 2015, 01:50:52 AM
Your first section caught my attention, but lost me by the second and third. My biggest complaint is your dialogue is very choppy and needs a bit more meaning to it. Sometimes the lines seem to have no real purpose in moving the scene forward.