My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: Katelyn on August 31, 2015, 09:34:12 PM

Title: a poem composed by me
Post by: Katelyn on August 31, 2015, 09:34:12 PM
i call this:

kind of pathetic poem for the very good looking girl who works downtown

the coffee shop always too cold.
she answered my questioning presence
with a gunshot from the eyes, so
i, of course, smoked too many cigarettes
and slunk back to my car,
having passed up two opportunities in fruitless
pursuit, to wrestle with a vertical nausea.
likely i sat in stone air for half an hour
thinking about the shock of rising early
to find a world covered in dew.
the peace and temptation that is
being the sun and wanting
to lick the dew from
a blade of wet grass shivering beneath


----

sorry for the roughness, I always post as soon as I write these things just so I can have them out in the world. i like the end of this one but not the beginning so much

xxThanks
Title: Re: a poem composed by me
Post by: Welsh Rarebit on September 01, 2015, 09:40:09 AM
You may need to do a bit of polishing but I quite like the 'voice' in this - sounds very film noir to me.  Need to look at your line breaks I think...

This is great "she answered my questioning presence with a gunshot from the eyes" love that line :)

Title: Re: a poem composed by me
Post by: Tom 10 on September 01, 2015, 04:07:00 PM
Katelyn –

You have obvious talent for writing.   I found this poem engaging, and despite my misgivings, enjoyed spending some time with it.  Some poetry sites forbid re-writing someone’s poem even for illustrative purposes.  There is no such rule here, but still I am always uncomfortable tinkering too much.  Doesn’t always stop me, though. :)  Here is what I found in your words to make the poem:  

Kind of Pathetic Poem

the very good looking girl
who works at the coffee shop
answered my questioning presence
with a gunshot from the eyes, so
I smoked too many cigarettes
and slunk back to my car.
I sat in stone air thinking
about the shock of rising early
to find a world covered in dew–
the peace and temptation that is
being the sun and wanting
to lick the dew from
a blade of wet grass
shivering beneath.

My misgivings about spending time with this poem and posting comments stem from your apparent reluctance to participate in the give and take of the site.  Most of the writers here want to improve their writing by getting honest feedback.  Part of the process is giving as well.  The guideline is to post three comments on other poets’ work for each poem of your own that you post.  No one is keeping exact tallies, but it can’t continue to be a one-way street.  

The more you participate the more comments you can expect to garner for your work.  Just to let you know, this is my last post concerning your work until you are more fully engaged on the site.
 :)
T
Title: Re: a poem composed by me
Post by: Katelyn on September 01, 2015, 04:44:03 PM
You may need to do a bit of polishing but I quite like the 'voice' in this - sounds very film noir to me.  Need to look at your line breaks I think...

This is great "she answered my questioning presence with a gunshot from the eyes" love that line :)



Thanks, I'll try changing the line breaks to serve some actual purpose. Really appreciate the feed back
Title: Re: a poem composed by me
Post by: bri h on September 01, 2015, 04:45:36 PM
the coffee shop's always too cold.
she answers my questioning presence
with a gunshot from the eyes,
so i, of course,
laughed at all her jokes,
smoked too many cigarettes
then slunk back to my car,
having passed up two opportunities
in fruitless pursuit,
I wrestle with my vertical nausea.

Your following lines read as another poem to me.

 
likely i sat in stone air for half an hour
thinking about the shock of rising early
to find a world covered in dew.
the peace and temptation that is
being the sun and wanting
to lick the dew from
a blade of wet grass shivering beneath
Title: Re: a poem composed by me
Post by: DoggyBongo on September 02, 2015, 10:16:39 AM
"gunshot from the eyes" - I liked that.

I agree, it did have a feel of the film noir which is obviously to be commended. Good old film noir.

I enjoyed this. Thank you.
Title: Re: a poem composed by me
Post by: Katelyn on September 02, 2015, 04:25:24 PM
the coffee shop's always too cold.
she answers my questioning presence
with a gunshot from the eyes,
so i, of course,
laughed at all her jokes,
smoked too many cigarettes
then slunk back to my car,
having passed up two opportunities
in fruitless pursuit,
I wrestle with my vertical nausea.

Your following lines read as another poem to me.

 
likely i sat in stone air for half an hour
thinking about the shock of rising early
to find a world covered in dew.
the peace and temptation that is
being the sun and wanting
to lick the dew from
a blade of wet grass shivering beneath


I don't feel like making it more grammatically conservative improves the poem. My intention with the second half is to describe the thoughts of the person sitting in the car (in stone air). The sun, grass, blah blah blah, imagery conveys, to me, an eroticism (licking dew) and distance/ unobtainability (the sun's feeble rays can never do it). That said, I can see how it stands apart/is disjointed from the first half. I'll work on making a more clear liaison.

Thanks :)
Title: Re: a poem composed by me
Post by: Katelyn on September 02, 2015, 04:25:48 PM
"gunshot from the eyes" - I liked that.

I agree, it did have a feel of the film noir which is obviously to be commended. Good old film noir.

I enjoyed this. Thank you.

I appreciate that   ;D
Title: Re: a poem composed by me
Post by: Pam LaPier on September 02, 2015, 05:08:41 PM
I too enjoyed the gunshot from the eyes. It did also read like two poems to me. Maybe a little more to make the connection? It was a good read though.
Title: Re: a poem composed by me
Post by: Savannah8 on September 04, 2015, 05:38:15 PM
I like the originality and that you are not trying to rhyme, I agree that its a bit hard to match the second part of the poem up with the first but enjoyed what I assumed was a sexual conotation about the blade of grass?
Title: Re: a poem composed by me
Post by: Savannah8 on September 04, 2015, 05:39:53 PM
if you are looking for a poem to critique feel free to check mine out :)
Title: Re: a poem composed by me
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