My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: Tom 10 on May 16, 2015, 01:09:25 PM

Title: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: Tom 10 on May 16, 2015, 01:09:25 PM



        Silhouette Cowboy

A silhouette cowboy waves toward the
state aid highway north of Swanville.
Sometimes when driving by I wave back,
roll down the window and yell How-DEE!
This is the land of yard ornaments.  They
wait by the pond for days like these, the cast
deer, bear, lions.  Up the road twenty or so
miles is a telephone pole painted and
feathered, half buried at an odd angle,
to look like an arrow struck the earth.

Hello from the clouds. 
Hello from Little Crow.



Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: MWL on May 16, 2015, 02:48:52 PM
Hi T,

This is a nice poem. I really like the lines /half buried at an odd angle/to look like an arrow struck the earth/


Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: Tom 10 on May 16, 2015, 05:46:25 PM
Thanks MWL,
Glad you liked this, and thanks for reading.
 :)
T
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: kateD on May 16, 2015, 05:53:27 PM
I, too, live in the land of yard ornaments (I think it's called Redneckville).

I like the last image of the arrow and

"Hello from the clouds. 
Hello from Little Crow."

 :D

Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: Tom 10 on May 16, 2015, 06:43:32 PM
Hi Kate,
Thanks.  I'm glad the ending works.  Little Crow lead the Dakota Uprising of 1862 which was fought right here.  I thought the poem works okay  without that knowledge.

T
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: kateD on May 16, 2015, 07:04:49 PM
It did, because (of course) I didn't know that. Knew it was an Indian, and that was enough.
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: drab on May 16, 2015, 10:41:12 PM
I've seen this posted before.
From memory the last S is different.
I read this (wrongly no doubt) as the Indians still losing out...still missing the mark, even with their Celestial arrows!
Dignity still lost!
Enjoyed it either way...a nice slice of Americana  :)
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: Tom 10 on May 17, 2015, 12:15:40 AM
You're good, Rev.  The first draft of this was up for about 12 hours on the NaPo thread a month ago, and it is the ending which received the most serious editing. 

Thanks for the reading, glad you like it.

T
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: Jack of Hearts on May 17, 2015, 08:56:30 PM
It's easy to appreciate the clear images and straight forward syntax.



J
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: Tom 10 on May 18, 2015, 08:24:03 AM
Thanks Jack.  Some folks would say those are not my strengths. :)
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: Amie on May 18, 2015, 12:09:46 PM
I love it. This time, you played to your un-strengths ;) - I got a very clear image from just a few words, and somehow (I don't really know how) it just feels true to me, like I can see that cowboy waving.
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: Gyppo on May 18, 2015, 12:21:45 PM
I just love the mental picture of that giant arrow, half-buried in the ground.
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: Tom 10 on May 18, 2015, 02:44:20 PM
I don't make this shit up, I just write it down.  Okay, I don't make up more than half.

Thanks Amie & Gyppo.

T
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: duck on May 19, 2015, 09:20:36 AM
Hi Tom
Like the description and the idea but wonder about the line cuts so a fiddle:


A silhouette cowboy waves toward the
state aid highway north of Swanville.
Sometimes when driving by I wave back,
roll down the window and yell How-DEE!
This isin the land of yard ornaments.  
They wait by the pond for days like these, (days like these suggests something but I don#t know what and the poem is not telling)
a cast of deer, bear, lions. Twenty miles(could not find a reason to end the previous line with the cast)
up the road a painted and feathered (the 'and so' is unnecessary and a poor line end)
telephone pole is half buried at an odd angle
to look like an arrow struck the earth.

Hello from the clouds.
Hello from Little Crow.

Hope you don't mind
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: Tom 10 on May 19, 2015, 03:27:43 PM
Thanks for the comment, MWL. 

Hi Duck, some interesting suggestions.  thanks for the fiddle.   8)

Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: shadowdrifter on May 20, 2015, 01:42:14 AM
Very nice vivid images, not something we see often in UK.  A few thoughts use or reject as you wish.

A silhouette cowboy waves toward the
state aid highway north of Swanville.
Sometimes when driving by I wave back,
roll down the window and yell How-DEE!
This is  In the land of yard ornaments.  They
 deer, bears, lions wait by the pond for days like these, the cast
deer, bear, lions.
  Up the road twenty or so
miles is a telephone pole painted and
feathered, half buried at an odd angle,
to look like an arrow struck the earth.

Hello from the clouds. 
Hello from Little Crow.
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 20, 2015, 06:42:35 AM
Late to the party, but glad I made it. This poem is such a pleasant read. Only suggestions are similar to Shadow's. Although I like the drama of "This is" So taking his lead:

A silhouette cowboy waves toward the
state aid highway north of Swanville.
Sometimes when driving by I wave back,
roll down the window and yell How-DEE!
This is the land of yard ornaments.  They
wait by the pond for days like these, the a cast of
deer, bear, lions.  Up the road twenty or so
miles is a telephone pole painted and
feathered, half buried at an odd angle,
to look like an arrow struck in the earth.

Hello from the clouds. 
Hello from Little Crow.
 ----------------------------
Wonderful reading.
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: Tom 10 on May 20, 2015, 10:50:30 AM
Hi Shadow, CP - I like the suggested tweaks, it seems like there are little hairs all over this, small but noticeable.   :)

Thanks.

T
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on May 21, 2015, 06:31:53 PM
I'm also later to the party Tom, but wanted to tell you how much I like this. After all, what's not to like about a slice of life that can be seem in many places around the US. Not exactly the same, but close enough.

I think my favorite like is the Arrow also. Such a visual image. The cowboy comes in a close second.


I'm still playing catch up on all I've missed around here.
Title: Re: Silhouette Cowboy
Post by: Tom 10 on May 21, 2015, 06:50:00 PM
Alice, what a delightful surprise!  Long time, welcome back ;D

Thanks for the kind comments. 

T