My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: Tom 10 on May 07, 2015, 07:00:00 PM

Title: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
Post by: Tom 10 on May 07, 2015, 07:00:00 PM

 
        Rabbit Hole on Wheels

We know                          body heat
how to do winter
names we place in the dark on                 each other

space opens                 and soft bellies so naked

                    big sky                        naked

its not     the light ahead
that comforts                   but the tunnel.

I pause
     rev the engine
             before letting the clutch, you’re right–
 
                                                        time’s come to Thelma and Louise

                                                                                                        this

                                                                                                        place,

                                                                                                        Bunny.

Title: Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
Post by: drab on May 07, 2015, 09:27:56 PM

Sorry to say I'm not a fan ('Here he goes again!') of people trying to 'paint pretentious pauses'
Missing apostrophe in L6.
Having said that...it's pretty good  :)

Title: Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
Post by: Tom 10 on May 08, 2015, 09:16:07 AM

Thanks drab.

Title: Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
Post by: kateD on May 08, 2015, 09:44:52 AM

And just what's wrong with this, below?

Rabbit Hole on Wheels

We know body heat--
how to do winter--
names we place in the dark on each other

space opens and soft bellies so naked--
big sky naked--

its not the light ahead
that comforts                   
but the tunnel.

I pause
rev the engine
before letting the clutch, you’re right–
 
time’s come to Thelma and Louise

this
place,
Bunny.


"names we place in the dark on each other
space opens and soft bellies so naked
big sky naked" -- great lines these are  :)

Title: Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
Post by: Tom 10 on May 08, 2015, 09:46:39 AM

Hi Kate - to answer your question, absolutely nothing - to the extent it's about the layout and formatting.  8)

Thanks for reading & commenting.

T

Title: Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
Post by: kateD on May 08, 2015, 09:48:28 AM

I find all those spaces terribly distracting. Without them, it's a nice verse. :D

Title: Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
Post by: Tom 10 on May 08, 2015, 09:49:51 AM

Cool, that's good to know. 
I haven't taken much liberty with page space in perhaps 25 years. 
It wasn't particularly effective then either. ::)

Title: Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 08, 2015, 10:04:46 AM

I know you're already hearing this which makes piling on, just that much more fun — with the aside of the 'Thelma and Louise' bit at the end I simply don't understand the format. I see it a bit in "Big Sky", but not enough to justify the distraction. I like Kate's version with one change:

We know body heat--
how to do winter--
names we place on each other in the dark

flipping prepositions sounds better. I love this passage BTW.

Marc

PS: I thing the em-dashes are distracting. I'd lean in the direction of your suggestion to me and drop them, but I am punctuationally challenged.

Title: Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
Post by: Vienna on May 08, 2015, 10:13:56 AM

I like it Tom.

I can cope with this. After all we are creative people and I think it's good that some people try new ways of putting words on the "page". I don't like poems that have "shape", like Christmas Trees or something. But in this case it doesn't distract from the words. Its a kind of meandering down to the end.

cheers

Richard

Title: Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
Post by: Tom 10 on May 08, 2015, 11:33:15 AM

Thanks V.   :)