My Writers Circle
Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: Tom 10 on May 07, 2015, 07:00:00 PM
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Rabbit Hole on Wheels
We know body heat
how to do winter
names we place in the dark on each other
space opens and soft bellies so naked
big sky naked
its not the light ahead
that comforts but the tunnel.
I pause
rev the engine
before letting the clutch, you’re right–
time’s come to Thelma and Louise
this
place,
Bunny.
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Sorry to say I'm not a fan ('Here he goes again!') of people trying to 'paint pretentious pauses'
Missing apostrophe in L6.
Having said that...it's pretty good :)
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Thanks drab.
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And just what's wrong with this, below?
Rabbit Hole on Wheels
We know body heat--
how to do winter--
names we place in the dark on each other
space opens and soft bellies so naked--
big sky naked--
its not the light ahead
that comforts
but the tunnel.
I pause
rev the engine
before letting the clutch, you’re right–
time’s come to Thelma and Louise
this
place,
Bunny.
"names we place in the dark on each other
space opens and soft bellies so naked
big sky naked" -- great lines these are :)
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Hi Kate - to answer your question, absolutely nothing - to the extent it's about the layout and formatting. 8)
Thanks for reading & commenting.
T
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I find all those spaces terribly distracting. Without them, it's a nice verse. :D
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Cool, that's good to know.
I haven't taken much liberty with page space in perhaps 25 years.
It wasn't particularly effective then either. ::)
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I know you're already hearing this which makes piling on, just that much more fun — with the aside of the 'Thelma and Louise' bit at the end I simply don't understand the format. I see it a bit in "Big Sky", but not enough to justify the distraction. I like Kate's version with one change:
We know body heat--
how to do winter--
names we place on each other in the dark
flipping prepositions sounds better. I love this passage BTW.
Marc
PS: I thing the em-dashes are distracting. I'd lean in the direction of your suggestion to me and drop them, but I am punctuationally challenged.
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I like it Tom.
I can cope with this. After all we are creative people and I think it's good that some people try new ways of putting words on the "page". I don't like poems that have "shape", like Christmas Trees or something. But in this case it doesn't distract from the words. Its a kind of meandering down to the end.
cheers
Richard
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Thanks V. :)