My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: 510bhan on November 04, 2014, 06:06:02 PM

Title: Longing
Post by: 510bhan on November 04, 2014, 06:06:02 PM
Longing

Iíve thought about you forever,
I always will,
and wonder.
Stars in constellation fail
to match your scintillation
and though my nights
partnered with pulsars
will never lack company,
itís my nature to reflect.
I wax and wane and wait for you
on the other side of morning
where I watch you wake and rise,
or, when I take the night shift
see you sleep and sink from the sky.
Few folk notice my presence
once you shine and radiate heat,
but linked to time and seasons
Iíll kiss you, come the eclipse.
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: Gyppo on November 04, 2014, 07:02:42 PM
Ha.  The thoughts of the Silent Silver Queen who watches over us whether we notice or not.  Who moves on her timeless patrol, seen and unseen.

Coldly and scientifically I know it's just a lump of lifeless rock.  But there are nights, when the moon is framed for a while in my window, when I lie there, wide awake, and understand perfectly and instinctively why some people worship her.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: heidi52 on November 04, 2014, 07:06:05 PM
Lovely, lovely picture of the moon.  :)
 
Might suggest you swap lines 15 and 16 with the previous two to keep the daylight images together. But that's minor.

Really like "Iíll kiss you, come the eclipse."
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: 510bhan on November 04, 2014, 07:08:26 PM
Cheers, Gyppo, thanks for reading. Enjoy her company. ;)

Thank you too, Heidi. I just think it's amazing when you see the moon in the sky at the same time as the sun -- it's never 'boastful' then, but it's there. ;D Shall consider your suggestion. ;)
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: heidi52 on November 04, 2014, 07:14:16 PM
Like you said recently, isn't it wonderful that we can see something that then inspires us to put that image to words.

And yes, the moon during the day may be subdued but it's still there, somehow closer I think.
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: Gyppo on November 04, 2014, 07:20:22 PM
I often used to see moon and sun together when coming home in the morning after a night shift.  I'd stop and lean on a farm gate or Cornish hedge and admire them.  Never grew tired of it.  Very soothing after a rough night.  The slowly fading moon as the sun brightens can seem to draw the bitterness and frustration from your soul.

I once woke my wife in the middle of the night to show her just how beautiful the moon was, and the lovely stark-edged shadows on the fields across the valley beyond our window.

She didn't seem to appreciate it.   So I never shared the magic with her again.

Years later I heard my daughter moving around one night and went to see if she was okay.  She was stood in the window, transfixed by the light of the full moon.  She feels the call too.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: CorneliusPoe on November 04, 2014, 07:34:16 PM
Love it, especially, "the other side of morning". Wonderful portrait with perfectly matched sounds. Great stuff.

Wondering if you need a comma after "pulsars", just asking. Reading aloud it seems to beg for a strong pause and I think it's grammatically correct, but not my strength.

Just curious, I really enjoy the poem.
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: Mark T on November 05, 2014, 08:00:07 AM

I have to admit I thought it was about the sun... duh, the wax and wane being that of the N and then 'radiates heat' also nudged me along. Either way, it's a lovely portrait, wistful and almost melancholic.
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: marisafromthere on November 05, 2014, 09:10:21 AM
Stars in constellation fail
to match your scintillation

Something about this line really speaks to me. Or really the whole poem, I love astrology and things of the sort so the entire poem was lovely to read.
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: bri h on November 05, 2014, 11:50:45 AM
I'm with Marisa on this, Simon.  Love the constellation/scintillation. I can't crit if you give me nothing to crit.   Ha ha. Xbx
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: 510bhan on November 05, 2014, 12:28:29 PM
Thank you all for you very kind and generous comments. Seems like we all love the moon. :D
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: Tom 10 on November 05, 2014, 02:55:23 PM
Hi,
I'm late to the party again.  But not too late to join the chorus of cheers!  I love this - and yes we all love the moon, maybe, but its something much more- this poem taps the yearnings that place the moon at the center of so much mythology and lore.  I like the casual cleverness of the poem (it's my nature to reflect), and the pure poetry, "I wax and wane and wait for you / on the other side of morning . . . "

This is a poem to be re-read and re-read. 8)

T
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: Amie on November 05, 2014, 02:59:34 PM
Lovely. Really beautiful read aloud.
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: bri h on November 05, 2014, 04:46:09 PM
Sorry for the typo of your name, sweetie. I wouldn't have known without gyp letting me know. And he's right. It's the friggin predictive text on me fracking phone. Heh heh. Xb X.
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: 510bhan on November 05, 2014, 05:39:20 PM
Thank you very much, Amie, Tom and Bri' -- big grin here. ;D
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: Soul Writes on November 06, 2014, 02:54:24 PM
Lovely Siobhan.

I really do like "itís my nature to reflect" - neat  :)

When I look at the moon I find myself pondering that folks the other side of the world will be looking at the same thing I am seeing in a while. And that ancient people thousands (and thousands) of years ago were looking at the same thing. A primeval sense of connection; feels like it must be locked into our DNA somehow. Magical. Awesome. Beautiful.
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: 510bhan on November 06, 2014, 03:05:02 PM
Thanks, Soul Writes. Too much rain-spilling cloud to see the moon here tonight. >:(
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: Tom 10 on December 30, 2017, 12:08:16 PM
Churning from the depths the best of MWC - let the ship go down with our best flags flying.  :)
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: indar on December 30, 2017, 05:03:25 PM
shoot--for one thrilling moment I thought Sio was back
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: Tom 10 on December 30, 2017, 06:49:18 PM
Sorry about that, Indar. 


But isn't it the kind of poem the best MWC has to offer, ever?
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: indar on December 30, 2017, 08:20:54 PM
indeed :)
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: heidi52 on January 02, 2018, 03:50:10 PM
Had the same thought, when I saw the post. Has anyone thought to contact her, and leave a forwarding address?

Agree with you Tom, better to go out with a roar than a whimper.  ;)
Title: Re: Longing
Post by: indar on January 02, 2018, 03:52:03 PM
Gyppo is keeping Sio informed of events here.