My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Script => Topic started by: RaddersLuke on July 13, 2014, 06:58:30 AM

Title: Feedback wanted. Opening scene for horror film.
Post by: RaddersLuke on July 13, 2014, 06:58:30 AM
SCENE 1:

Int. Backyard​
We see a child playing with a ball. The child look around 7-8 years old. He bounces the ball and catches it. He throws it and the ball lands in a bush. The boy walks over to the bush and picks the ball up.The bushes rattle as the boy picks the ball up. He looks at the bush. It stops moving. He walks closer to the bush when his mother calls him in. The boy walks in the house.

MOTHER

Johnny, have you seen you're sister?

JOHNNY

No,Mom

MOTHER

Wasn't she outside with you?

JOHNNY

No. I haven't seen her.

MOTHER

Well, where could she be? She better not of sneaked out to the Mall with her friends.

JOHNNY

Where's Daddy?

MOTHER

You known he's busy on the case. I just hope they catch that madman before he kills anyone else.

JOHNNY

Will Daddy be okay?

MOTHER

Don't worry sweetie. Now go watch some Television.

Johnny walks off. The Mother looks outside. She sighs. Suddenly a body of a girl is thrown at the window. The audience scream as well as the mother. We see the mother and Johnny on a screen as the audience watch. Outside we see Charlie Henderson, a publicist listening to the screams along with Matt Conway, a famous author. 

CHARLIE

Listen to them! They love it.

MATT

I am impressed. Can't believe this is happening!

CHARLIE

The studio are so impressed they want to lock you in for a two more films now!

MATT

I don't know. It's all moving too fast.

CHARLIE

Please! Think of how this could benefit your family. You won't need to be living in some apartment any more.

MATT

Just let me think about it, okay?

CHARLIE

Sure,sure. Just don't wait to long.

MATT

This all seems to good to be true.

CHARLIE

Don't worry about it. You could be the next Stephen King.

​Another huge scream from the audience followed by applause.

CHARLIE

You ready for this?

MATT

Not really!

CHARLIE

Come on!
Title: Re: Feedback wanted. Opening scene for horror film.
Post by: hillwalker3000 on July 14, 2014, 02:52:53 PM
To quote Matt - It's all moving too fast.

The dramatic build-up on-screen is non-existent - and the conversation between the publicist and the author is also weak and difficult to swallow. The fact that they're outside a cinema where Matt's first movie is showing and they can hear the audience response - I don't believe a word of it, I'm afraid.

H3K
Title: Re: Feedback wanted. Opening scene for horror film.
Post by: Mrs N on July 14, 2014, 06:32:46 PM
Hi. I know nothing about formatting, so I'll comment on your dialogue.

I liked it. I thought it was a clever twist with the first action being on the screen.

The line 'I just hope they catch the madman before he kills anyone else' didn't ring true. You need to get your lines accurate whether 'on film' or true to life, and that jarred with me.

The author waiting outside reminded me of an old musical 'Singing in the Rain'. They did a bit of listening to intended audiences in that.

'Singing in the Rain' is a really old film, so maybe you need to update some of your techniques!!   ;D

Keep going. This reads like you're having fun.  :D

I wish I had been as brave and articulate as you are when I was thirteen.  ;)
Title: Re: Feedback wanted. Opening scene for horror film.
Post by: greyman on July 28, 2014, 03:59:02 PM
Aside from a few grammar/formatting gripes (which I can go into detail about if you want), my best advice is to slow down and take a second to build character. No one is saying anything that doesn't advance the action. Use dialogue to build character, too. Give characters different voices and let them throw out a sentence or two that distinguishes them from others.