My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: Mark T on May 08, 2014, 11:26:10 AM

Title: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 08, 2014, 11:26:10 AM
Todayís exercise requires the composition of a 12 line poem in three stanzas.
The rhyme scheme is abcd Ė abcd Ė efgg. The good news is that no end-line rhymes are allowed, only internal rhyme somewhere in the line. (I suppose one can put a rhyming word at a lineís end provided the rhyming partner is internal.) Meter is optional.  

The following words must be used somewhere in the poem. Create your own title.  

Blue
Waiting
Stab
Eyes
Fire
Regret/s

Post in this thread. No personal edits allowed once posted. General crits and comments are encouraged. Iíll pick the poem I like most and that person can set the next exercise.
Deadline is 24 hours from the time of this post.
Deal?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 08, 2014, 11:27:24 AM

Oh, Sio... you have 24 minutes...
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 08, 2014, 12:20:36 PM
I was in the shower and then I did the dishes . . .  ::)

Twelve lines were hard to come up with, but hey -- here we go. I totally ignored the rhyme scheme seeing as you wanted something quick and they're not end rhymes anyway -- too hard for me to think about just for an exercise. I welcome disqualification for flaunting/ignoring the rules. ;D At least I played.

The gas makes a noise,
stabs the air with blue fire
waiting inside its cold flame
and orange flickered periphery.

Pretend fire doesnít fool me
burns turn to blisters and weep,
regret the substance matter
drips from your staring eyes.

No crackle, no dance
just blue, intense and sad
jettisoned and dependent
on that match to ignite.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 08, 2014, 12:51:21 PM
Challenge: accepted!



Need time though because at work.  Stay tuned.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 08, 2014, 04:25:05 PM

Lestat


While waiting at the platform
A flash of blue. A stab. It hurts.
Like fire it consumes within.
Then gone again. What?

Inquiring my own senses
For true or false from memory
A thought confirms: her eyes I saw
that seared my brain this way.

And now the lusty fiend will rise
To seek and trap and feed.
My hungry friend she will have met.
The others: anguish and regret



Please notice the intentional forced rhyme "brain" - "again". The speaker is not from our time.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 08, 2014, 06:17:08 PM

I was in the shower and then I did the dishes . . .  ::)

Yes, yes, we all admire multi-tasking but don't stand on the wineglasses, okay? :D

Sterling contribution, thank you Sio. I like the way you breathlessly break all the rules not to mention the seamless infusion of metaphorical expansion in the lingering climax.

DM, that was quick... thank you for playing. :) Perhaps too quick, I see a couple of verb-subject disagreements that could have been avoided but otherwise nice and dramatic. S1 is the pick, intriguing and active but something of a slippery slope after that. Has the makings of a good piece - tinker with it offline some more.      

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 09, 2014, 06:39:00 AM
I did comply with all the rules though :)

I do not see verb subject problems, kindly point them out so I may avoid such mistakes. I agree S2 is a little eldritch, I'll hammer at it a bit.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 09, 2014, 12:24:41 PM

Hi Ian, sorry I'm late, had shit to do... well, Sio's disqualified for flouting the rules, so you win by default as the only participant. It was a worthy poem though, so if you've been working on it a bit in the meantime perhaps you'd like to share the later version...? You can set an exercise now, entirely at your discretion, I will participate at least, and I suggest perhaps making it easier than i did. Thanks for participating. 

Inquiring my own senses

her eyes I saw

aka Yoda-speak
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 09, 2014, 12:52:05 PM
Yay!


I need to work on my prize winner a bit more.  I was rather fond of that Yodaism, also because if I straighten it out it looks like I saw eyes right then and there. And not "it was eyes I saw".

Gimme a bit to figure out the next challenge. Is it to be carried out on this thread or a new one? 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 09, 2014, 01:01:55 PM

I would say a new one, and that this one should be removed by a mod first so there aren't two cluttering up the board but maybe that's not such a good idea to bug them. So rather carry on with this thread then and I undertake to have no more than two other posts on pg 1 until this falls off the page.

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 09, 2014, 02:53:49 PM
Ok. Maybe in the future we can make this sticky and in the games and challenges. 

In the meantime, here it goes:


Fourteen lines!

Make it three quatrains and a couplet, make it two seven-line stanzas.  Give it good ol' iambic pentameter or go wild and experiment with rhyme and meter. It's up to you. As long as it's fourteen lines.

Oh one more thing.

STRICT RULE!: the final two or maximum three lines MUST redefine, overturn or in some way shed new and different light on the entire poem.  This is mandatory.

Lemme see what you've got!!!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 09, 2014, 03:29:27 PM
A 14 line Alexandrine-esque creation. :o

The Ould Pub

Ingrained, nicotine-stained, wrapped around the rafters
years of smoke curled and crept, redolent with laughter
and sorrows often felt, by those inside the bar,
pervading everything, as folk enjoyed a jar

among fellow strangers, or hidden in the snugs
avoiding prying eyes, discreet, illicit hugs
exchanged clandestinely, behind the wooden screen
where lovers go to meet, a welcome change of scene.

A confessional where souls pour out their troubles
even more when drinking, especially the doubles
a happy hour special, ensures that profits soar;
singing in Mc Kendryís, letís make those rafters roar.

But stagger from the ancient dream, draw in fresh air,
a look reveals itís Wetherspoonís, oh, such despair.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 09, 2014, 03:43:29 PM
Wow. So soon an entry and so exquisite!  Sio's on a roll tonight! 

Thank you!  Forgot to mention the 24 hour deadline from my initial post. Still lots of time for more entries!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 09, 2014, 03:46:35 PM
It's not an Alexandrine [3x4 line stanzas] as you stipulated 14 lines, but it does follow the pattern otherwise. :-\
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 09, 2014, 05:04:29 PM
Like Christmas mornings expectations
I pace and prance and curse the time
Awaiting the ordained arrival
Of online items to be mine

Iíve searched, Iíve browsed, Iíve read descriptions
Iíve viewed the specs from several sites
Iíve thanked the gods for tracking numbers
Though slow updates have cost me nights

And now at last the day is on me
I to and from the window race
Itís on the truck, ďout for deliveryĒ
A look reveals a driverís face

At my door a knock or three
My wife says ĒThat one thereís for me.Ē
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 09, 2014, 05:19:21 PM
 :D :D :D :D :D

Means had more fun waiting for yours to arrive. :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 09, 2014, 06:07:49 PM
Brilliant.

A 14 line Alexandrine-esque creation. :o

The Ould Pub

Ingrained, nicotine-stained, wrapped around the rafters
years of smoke curled and crept, redolent with laughter
and sorrows often felt, by those inside the bar,
pervading everything, as folk enjoyed a jar

among fellow strangers, or hidden in the snugs
avoiding prying eyes, discreet, illicit hugs
exchanged clandestinely, behind the wooden screen
where lovers go to meet, a welcome change of scene.

A confessional where souls pour out their troubles
even more when drinking, especially the doubles
a happy hour special, ensures that profits soar;
singing in Mc Kendryís, letís make those rafters roar.

But stagger from the ancient dream, draw in fresh air,
a look reveals itís Wetherspoonís, oh, such despair.

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: cmb on May 09, 2014, 06:24:06 PM
lullaby

the sheets are clean
the pillows fluffed
and night's song
fills my ears

curled up
on the blankets
a little kitten
purrs

candles
burning low
spread their
sweet scent

but relentless pain
prevents sleep
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 09, 2014, 06:40:28 PM

Eish! It was a damn lullaby until the couplet finale jarred me off my dozy perch. Sounded like an insomniac's paradise up until then. Good work, african sorry about the pain. Do i really have to do a poem here with this kind of competition and with CP looking relentless too - plus Sio stamped foursquare at the top?

What I also have appreciated with your recent posts Nel, is the soft capped unpunctuated style, it's a difficult writing method in the sense of precise communication but that very imprecision allows for boundary constructs in the readership's imagination.
Thanks, I borrowed it for the middle stanza of Aurora. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: cmb on May 09, 2014, 06:47:31 PM
Thanks Mark.

And I noticed. It gets easier with practice.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 09, 2014, 07:47:46 PM

Thanx. Hey all, right now on the board there's one of those funny juxtapositions where two titles go together:

It says:

Fragile
Ego

The cool part is that they're both actually by the same member. Far out Ian, on purpose or just a bummer?



 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 10, 2014, 09:00:23 AM
Bears

Fifty bears sitting on chairs
at a wedding in a circus ring
is quite a sight to see
for free

And a waltzing bear
is beyond compare
see them gnaw
with tooth and claw
watch them drink
swallow and sink

But about the cleaning
you must be dreaming
if you think Iíll stay
to shovel anything away.

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 10, 2014, 10:09:43 AM
Wow!



All entries comply and all are great.  Need a bit of time to decide the winner.

In the meantime there is still a bit of time for some last minute submission....  Suspense suspense!

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 10, 2014, 03:04:21 PM
Ok. Time's up and it's also up to me to figure out who won.


Dancing Bears by Mark,
    sincerely made me smile
And Nellie touched my heart
    with her un-lullaby,

I hope CP will get his gifts
    next time St. Nick comes into town
Although I wonder how he could miss
    With tracking numbers written down

All in all I had a ball
   you played along with me
To fourteen liners, one and all
   Maintained their poems to be

But now I must decide and damn!
The winner's Lady 510bhan!
    


Congrats!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 10, 2014, 03:09:13 PM
Whoo-hoo! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Okay . . . NEW CHALLENGE, just to be perverse,  ??? I want rhymes to occur in the first word of lines. You choose the pattern, no longer than 12 lines. Haven't a clue how this will work out -- never done it myself. ;D

Have fun. :o
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 10, 2014, 05:56:40 PM
Time is a lie told by the dying
rhyme is a trick that continues the lying
act upon act upon act is elected
stacked in a way that the next is expected




[you didn't say I couldn't rhyme both ends]
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: cmb on May 10, 2014, 05:59:38 PM
you didn't say I couldn't rhyme both ends

No need for anyone else to enter. You already won, I'm sure.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 10, 2014, 06:07:09 PM
Cool! 8) Who's next up to meet the challenge? ;D

Time is a fiction told by the dying
rhyme is a trick that continues the lying
act upon act upon act is elected
stacked in a way that the next is expected




[you didn't say I couldn't rhyme both ends]
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 10, 2014, 06:08:52 PM
I snuck in an edit.

shhhhhhhhh
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 10, 2014, 06:13:51 PM
Snuck-in edits are fine by me. ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 10, 2014, 06:44:20 PM
Don't you have like 30 Villanelles to finish before morning, or something?

oh wait, you're judging this thing.

Have I told you how becoming your eyeball avatar is? Its not at all creepy.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 10, 2014, 06:46:19 PM
You've been taking 'sounding sincere' lessons from Tom, haven't you?

I'd ask for a refund, mate. ;D


Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 10, 2014, 06:52:00 PM
I'll need to go and look at his comments on the last thing I posted to decide wether to defend him or not. Till then I'll continue my thoughtful posing. It's amazing how enamored one came become with their own image. Someone should really consider writing about it.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 10, 2014, 06:54:42 PM
Defend Tom? Man, he has an armaments factory in his basement -- he doesn't need any extra defending! :o

^^^That was all a lie made up by Siobhan. There is no truth in the above statement. The words are complete and total fabrication.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 10, 2014, 11:42:32 PM

This is a great results announcement, nicely done Ian.

Ok. Time's up and it's also up to me to figure out who won.


Dancing Bears by Mark,
    sincerely made me smile
And Nellie touched my heart
    with her un-lullaby,

I hope CP will get his gifts
    next time St. Nick comes into town
Although I wonder how he could miss
    With tracking numbers written down

All in all I had a ball
   you played along with me
To fourteen liners, one and all
   Maintained their poems to be

But now I must decide and damn!
The winner's Lady 510bhan!
    


Congrats!

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 11, 2014, 05:07:34 AM
Alternating start and end rhymes. Plus internal rhymes. No edit. :p


No way I can try to compete!
sweet Siobhan and Nelly and Poe
Though Mark's stuff is right down my street
T's feats simply beat me so low.

So this time round know
No fine sounds will flow
Neat rhymes make. Then free 'em
Compete not with Ian. 



Had this thing with our names.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 12, 2014, 12:36:01 AM
Hmm not a big number of takers this round.  Who won Sio?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 12, 2014, 04:17:42 AM
CP wins this round!  :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 12, 2014, 06:51:17 AM
YAY CP!

Ready for the new challenge!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 12, 2014, 07:02:56 AM
Today's challenge is simple. I want limericks, but I want them sad, somber, and heavy. Irony is likely the shortest route and cheapest, so it'll count against you. ;)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 12, 2014, 07:29:08 AM
A funeral director from Bath
chastised his best friend when he laughed
at the corpse in the morgue
when it slipped to the floor.
Some respect, would ya, Geoff, donít be daft.


Depressionís gripped Jim now for years,
wide spaces his greatest of fears
and trapped in his room
in the deepening gloom
he spends all his time blotting tears.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 12, 2014, 07:39:05 AM
She woke every morning in pain
Painkillers she tried all in vain
One day she gave up
And ran under a truck
Her son joined her using a train.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: cmb on May 12, 2014, 07:42:51 AM
She woke every morning in pain
Painkillers she tried all in vain
One day she gave up
And ran under a truck
Her son joined her using a train.

Nasty!  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: cmb on May 12, 2014, 08:44:55 AM
there once was a madman who married
a woman he constantly harried
he would hit her and swear
knocked her down, pulled her hair
and laughed at her when she miscarried
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 12, 2014, 08:49:30 AM
there once was a madman who married
a woman he constantly harried
he would hit her and swear
knocked her down, pulled her hair
and laughed at her when she miscarried


Nastier!!!  :D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: cmb on May 12, 2014, 08:50:29 AM
Nastier!!!  :D

I would certainly hope so.  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 12, 2014, 01:20:03 PM
I like the idea. To catch the spirit of your idea though, it's almost like we need two groups of reviewers. The second set should not be able to see the original, or the reviews, just the revision. I have no idea how we'd work out the logistics. But your insight is an important one and I'd love to see it tested if we can.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 12, 2014, 01:23:46 PM

You are right. maybe there's way with PMs and a little panel or something but that calls for more enthusiasm than the response so far indicates. In general, we poets are very sluggardly with stuff like this but no worries, let's put our thinking caps on until tomorrow. I've got a business writing job to do anyway and am fart-arsing about here to avoid getting started. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 12, 2014, 02:27:32 PM
We were derailed... and I'm one of guilty parties. Back to today's challenge:

Today's challenge is simple. I want limericks, but I want them sad, somber, and heavy. Irony is likely the shortest route and cheapest, so it'll count against you.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 12, 2014, 03:48:27 PM

Well, I've drafted the business agreement so a little limerick sounds doable. Any particular form?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 12, 2014, 04:03:46 PM


Is this heavy enough?

Nothing less than the end of man
The culmination of an evil plan
In a thousand devilish ways
Here comes the end of days
Unless individuals say, I can. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 12, 2014, 04:54:30 PM
Pretty grim.

Hey y'all. If you haven't seen it and you have a fictional character you'd like to explore a bit, I've started a small experiment at http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=53400.0
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 13, 2014, 07:09:20 AM
This one goes to Mark. While everyone's was bad in a good sort of way. Mark's piece actually defeats or at least deflates the natural playful sound of the form. Honorable mention to Nel for pure brutality :P
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 13, 2014, 08:03:58 AM

Shoot. Alright, next go-around. Follow this rhyme and stanza scheme. Theme: Whatever. 

a
b
c
d

a
b
c
d

e
e
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 13, 2014, 09:11:24 AM
will meditate. Usual deadline?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 13, 2014, 10:53:02 AM

yah, roughly 24 hours from setting of the exercise, teach.  ;)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: bri h on May 13, 2014, 02:45:51 PM
The man's a nutter for setting a test,
specially for people who don't need any rest.
I really want to cry
but instead I'll try
caving his head in with an arm rest (sorry. I missed the dead-line for the lims)

Thanks for the HU, Mark. B
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 13, 2014, 02:52:05 PM
he gives
sin
more
space

she lives
in
your
place

badder
sadder
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 13, 2014, 02:52:43 PM
Hey Bri, nutter yeah but more for creating my own mini-monster here, at least when you get to set the exercise you get a pass - let's hope some poetry fiend like eastwig doesn't get into power here and start setting devilishly difficult exercises...
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 13, 2014, 02:53:48 PM
I like it, I like it, bit wordy tho' innit?

he gives
sin
more
space

she lives
in
your
place

badder
sadder

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 13, 2014, 02:54:51 PM
This means you too, Sio.

Hey Bri, nutter yeah but more for creating my own mini-monster here, at least when you get to set the exercise you get a pass - let's hope some poetry fiend like eastwig doesn't get into power here and start setting devilishly difficult exercises...
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 13, 2014, 02:56:31 PM
>:D ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: bri h on May 13, 2014, 02:58:03 PM
This means you too, Sio.


You're jokin' Ain'cha? She's drooling now. Totally in her element.  ;D

Hiya sweaty sweety.  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 13, 2014, 03:01:49 PM
Hello luvver, lugger, lubber, Bri'. :D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 13, 2014, 03:02:09 PM
I know bri, almost crapped myself when i saw the below... changing the name of this thread to the Don't Let Sio Win thread while we all maintain an air of literary aloofness.

>:D ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: bri h on May 13, 2014, 03:06:50 PM
(sighs) Mark, mark, mark, mark, mark  ::) Don't you remember Star Wars? Always let the Wookie win.  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 13, 2014, 03:11:45 PM

What are we going to do? Go to PM and plot against Sio? I know, let's hire a professional critassin to cover our tracks. Maybe Phil the Dude's resting between hitassignments.   
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 13, 2014, 07:20:55 PM
Intuition without insight
Can be spoken, but not shared.
Words may mold the shadows
but cannot erase the doubt.

Out there is our birthright,
Light, approached but never neared
illuminates the windows
that we seldom dare look out.

Other men define us, giving name to all we see.
We drift into our roles based on a guess of what to be.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 13, 2014, 07:25:50 PM
Deep, man -- profound . . . you took time over this, didn't you CP? ;D Good rhythm. ;)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 13, 2014, 07:34:23 PM
I think I must be having an acid flashback.  I'll take the 5th on how long it took.

And Sio, when you like the rhythm, I know I did at least one thing right :) Thanks.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 14, 2014, 12:29:06 AM
Manifesto

abrasive art   
brushes 'till it bleeds
constantly contests
disarmingly direct

astoundingly apart
brings on new breeds
critics and cultists
discuss and dissect

essential yet exquisitely enlightened
each line echoes beyond his poet's end
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 14, 2014, 03:43:27 AM

Good work, CP and Ian, impressive. I hope you liked the form, it's a way of using end rhyme subtly. I'll call it later.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 14, 2014, 04:36:59 AM
I loved it, but I think I took it too literally, my rhyme scheme is not that subtle is it?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 14, 2014, 06:19:07 AM

Well it is according to the lay out - the alliteration adds something extra. Nice work. Gonna have to make a choice now - I'm off until much later, hopefully.

Both were good and interestingly, the couplets in both were longer than the lines. I'm giving CP the nod on this one for superior use of language and a well-considered profundity that lingers with the reader.

Well done to the three of you and thanks for participating.

CP, please set the next exercise.   
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 14, 2014, 06:36:21 AM
Congrats CP!

Yes I also had the alliterative words actually start with the rhyme-scheme letter. a b c d etc. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 14, 2014, 07:17:38 AM
Shit... I mean thanks. This game lacks players :(  Lets try something different:

 Provide a link to a poem, famous or otherwise. Write a small blurb about it. It can be poem you want to share and explain why it moves you. It can be an iconic piece you want to lambast. You can even do a classical scansion to demonstrate the poets manipulation of form. Your call. Just try to avoid the cliff notes version of a poem we likely all know already. New insights on famous poems are however welcome.

Important: The poem can only be provided with a link and you MUST credit the author.
 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 14, 2014, 07:20:27 AM
I'm not sure I understand: Link to external website or link to one of the many poems in this forum? Both perhaps?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 14, 2014, 07:21:17 AM
Ian, I noticed that wordplay cleverness - just be aware of sacrificing content for form. Looks like the bar's getting raised in this thread.

CP - ah so this is a critting exercise, then.   
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 14, 2014, 07:23:23 AM
I'm not sure I understand: Link to external website or link to one of the many poems in this forum? Both perhaps?

Perhaps just from here? Then we can reproduce it without the link, but with consent from the member? CP, maybe you should choose a piece, then the crits will be apples/apples.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 14, 2014, 07:26:28 AM
Sorry for the lack of clarity. A link to the text of some poem you want to write about. The stipulation is simply to make sure we are in conformance with the rules of the forum. For example:

Frost, Mending Wall: http://writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/frost-mending.html

I think this poem is too damn wordy, blah blah blah...
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 14, 2014, 07:28:07 AM
Me choosing a piece would be too self serving :) I'd just inflict one of my favorites on you and then been heartbroken upon learning none of you share my love :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 14, 2014, 07:39:22 AM

Well, as the dude running the round there will always be an element of bias. To me, it makes more sense to crit the same poem. And the crits should be Pm'd to you so they don't influence the others and then you post them together. I like your idea BTW, the standard of critting needs uplifting - it's fallen to what Tom calls drive-by comments. Have a look at some of Tom's full crits for example. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: bri h on May 14, 2014, 07:41:02 AM
Dammit. Am at work so cant play. Leave me summat to do. Ha ha. Tonigjt you poeters. B
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 14, 2014, 07:44:07 AM
Well, as the dude running the round there will always be an element of bias. To me, it makes more sense to crit the same poem. And the crits should be Pm'd to you so they don't influence the others and then you post them together. I like your idea BTW, the standard of critting needs uplifting - it's fallen to what Tom calls drive-by comments. Have a look at some of Tom's full crits for example. 

Lets put this one on hold for a bit, cause I take your point and want to give it more thought. On the way out the door at the moment. God, I hate having to work. Does someone have maybe 2 or 3 Mil laying around they have no immediate use for?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 14, 2014, 07:46:58 AM

I have lots of millipedes in my garden. One has a wooden leg and goes 999-clonk when he walks. Later, guys.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: cmb on May 14, 2014, 07:51:04 AM
I have a good MIL. I like her better than her son, so you cannot have her, CP. Sorry.  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 14, 2014, 03:06:44 PM
Sorry for the delay. I like Mark's idea, but I thought maybe something lighter. Post a link to a poem by an established poet that you admire and write a paragraph or two (max) about why you like it.  Please credit the poet and post only a link, not the text of the poem. 

The idea is two-fold: One, it gives us a chance to share something we like/love with each other and two it lets us express why. I'll judge based one how well you articulate your reasons for appreciating your chosen poem.

Same 24 hour limit as usual.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 14, 2014, 04:08:04 PM
Here's my entry.

"Because I could not stop for Death" E. Dickinson.
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/177119 (http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/177119)

I am aware this poem is so famous it has faded from excessive overexposure but I felt I was to share this one because of the profound impression I received from it.  It is the sweetest, gentlest, most humane representation of decease I've ever read. Personified Death is kind.
The most prominent thing in this poem, the one which bowled me over, was that Emily Dickinson lived her last years in voluntary isolation in her own bedroom. Most of her 1775 poems were composed there. Yet they seem to come from the mind of one who has witnessed the world. And this one poem stands out because it is a supreme allegory of life itself. From birth, to old age, to the "swelling in the ground", the grave, and beyond. Locked up in her room, this quiet woman travelled within her inner world and experienced it all, including death, and reported it back in the softest and most exquisite of ways.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: bri h on May 14, 2014, 04:18:31 PM
Hmm? Great idea. I was talking to one of the lads at work, about the Anthology. He kept reciting 'poetic words' at me. I liked what he was saying. I asked him who wrote it? He told me, and I'm now a fan. The link I'm providing is a great piece. It reminds me of my ex (I still love saying that) wife, and how I subsequently felt about her.

WARNING!! this link has swearing and graphic urban language in it!

If any 'over-the-ponders,' need a translation, feel free to ask. The Poet is called John Cooper Clark, and the poem's title? Well, I'll leave you to work it out yourselves. He tells you himself, it's the last word in the piece. Enjoy. Bri.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-aVtKEhpO0
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 14, 2014, 04:20:46 PM
Very well considered and expressed Ian - you've been hiding your critiquing lamp under a bushel - but I suppose this means i have to go and read the poem to see if you are right?  :)

so where's your review, Bri
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 14, 2014, 04:24:03 PM
Pied Beauty by Gerard Manley Hopkins

http://www.bartleby.com/122/13.html

I think GMH captures the 'pied/piebald' nature of so many things in his observations and possibly because it is 'happy' compared to my other fave [also by GMH http://www.bartleby.com/122/45.html ]. As you would expect -- the sounds are subtle and clever, assonance and consonance in abundance without being obvious and the cadence created with the contrasted pairings is just divine to my ear.

Also, I had to learn it when I was studying for A level and abominably set it to Minuetto Alegretto by the Wombles so I could commit it to memory . . . despicable, I know, and it doesn't scan in that tune -- but I can still sing it with all its extended notes to make the lines fit. ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: bri h on May 14, 2014, 04:34:12 PM
Oh. You want more? I thought the comment concerning my ex was enough of a review.  ;D  He says all the things I had to say back then when I was still hurting, but silent. I love his fast-paced delivery. The way he emphasises some of the words like they're his own triggers for hateful invective at someone who hurt 'him.' He reminds me of someone? But I can't think who? He does have a voice like 'Frank Sidebottom.' I think that's his name? FS was a comic from Sheffield or somewhere like that. He was an acquired taste. Too off the wall for this thread and not inspirational enough. B
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 14, 2014, 04:36:21 PM

Sio, thank you for that informative and anecdotal essay. An additional plus for CP's excellent idea is the introduction of acknowledged poetry to new readers - which can only broaden poetry horizons. The standard of the reviews has been rather good, too. Hmm, ideas, ideas.  

Thanks bri, acquired tastes are always something to consider.   
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 14, 2014, 10:30:09 PM
I'm going to take the liberty of adding one. Mine of course won't count. but I love the idea of us sharing what we think are great work. Neghe mentioned the idea before as well. It give some of us who may be set in our ways exposure to things we may not yet have encountered presented by people we like and respect. It also gives some of the younger and less experienced poets around an introduction to some truly great work.

I'm a firm believer in the adage that if you write mores than you read, you're doing it wrong. The exception may be Sio, but she's all but admitted to being the center of an international plot.

Mine is Church Monuments by George Herbert: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/246238

This is almost a perfect poem to me. The form is flawless. Both the rhyme and meter are handled so masterfully they never for a moment feel intrusive. To read the poem aloud is pure joy. The theme is as old as time itself, but the sincerely with which he addresses it make it real. There is also a tangible religiosity that comes off so genuine that even if I don't share it, I'm forced by the power of the poet to respect it. This is the work of a serious man. Similar to the Dickinson poem Ian chose it deals with death as an intimate reality.

In our time of sterile everything it's hard to imagine, but these folks lives surrounded by deaths. It really was part of life. Often family members were prepared at home and grandma may be laid up in the front room for a day or two awaiting burial.  Also considering that their lifespans were about half ours it's understandable how common the theme is.

Anyway I know this can't count for the competition, but it's a great poem and I wanted to share it with my friends :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 15, 2014, 02:26:46 AM

Well, my knowledge of famous poets and poems is minimal, but the Oracle gave me a handwritten copy of this poem a while back and I read it over and over. Again, the theme is of death and loss and how one has to remain steadfast in adversity. I do like Rilkeís later style of writing and I suggest reading more of his work. In this poem, there is a repetition going on that carries the reader along and the briefly sketched scene is vivid and humanistic in quite a modern style, I think. The other poem I like by Rilke is Along the Sun Drenched Roadside which seems, to me anyway, the natural sequel to Again and Again.
Rilke had an interesting life Ė there is a full bio at Poetry Foundation Ė and his poems have translated quite well into English.  

http://42opus.com/v8n4/againandagain




This was my interpretation of Again and Again I did a little while back.


Touchstone


Sundayís granite churchyard, swirled
with sullen whorls of scudding gray,
and lichened with damp silence, awaits.  

Mercurial, you stand in poised repose,
insular, beneath a black umbrella
beaded with quicksilver droplets.  

Bones of souls, cast upon the abyss;
a chasm swallows unwritten fears.
Sorrow and despair beckon all days
of reckoning after hope and joy.

But your hand, small and delicate,
takes my arm anyway
as we approach the gate,
gravel shifting underfoot.

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 15, 2014, 02:32:37 AM

Thanks for your contribution there, CP. Interesting how we seem to have a struck a common theme here.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 15, 2014, 07:26:34 AM
Thanks, This one is going to be all but impossible to 'judge'.

Mark, you're right we all latched on a similar theme. I'd be tempted to attribute it to some evolutionary herd thing except, I know my choice has been a favorite for at least twenty years and reading the rest of the descriptions these are clearly old friends to all not new acquaintances. Weird. Granted, it's a universal, but then so is love, sex, hunger, and a bunch of others. Oh well.

A few hours before  I have to choose. I'm glad we did this exercise. There are a couple poems new to me and I got a new perspective on a couple intimates.

Since I'm judging today it can't sound like I'm sucking up. I am truly grateful to be part of this group. No idea if my writing is better or worse, or matters, but the sphere of my appreciation has grown and that's actually much more important.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: bri h on May 15, 2014, 09:55:21 AM
This theme of death is a bit morbid. Innit? Am at work so cant do 'links.' and i need to. Cos im remined of a poem (or a story mebbe) whete the old man lay on his deathbed. All but gone. He revived a bit when his wife started cooking ham for 'after.' but she wouldnt let him have any cos it was for the funeral tea. It touched me and made me cry. I was only 9 or 10. Wish i could remember.whatit was called? Anybody know? B
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 15, 2014, 01:20:30 PM

 Don't Waste the Ham? 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 15, 2014, 01:41:12 PM
Edited.
Thanks, This one is going to be all but impossible to 'judge'.

Since I'm judging today it can't sound like I'm sucking up. I am truly grateful to be part of this group. No idea if my writing is better or worse, or matters, but the sphere of my appreciation has grown and that's actually much more important.
 

CP, well said and thanks for saying it, I too am grateful for the dynamics of this forum and agree that greater appreciation is a wonderful function that ultimately can only serve one's writing to the betterment.

Yours has improved by the way, no wait, it's my appreciation factor since once you got over meeting the locals.  :D

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 15, 2014, 01:44:30 PM
Early or late I'm calling this one. To be honest, the decision is almost arbitrary. I'm giving the nod to Ian solely for having the balls to pick one so famous that the only reason would have to be love. For the record, I too love Dickinson and that poem is as famous as it is for great reason.

Sio, I've been reading more GMH since I joined the Circle, solely because of you. I'm very grateful. I was not familiar with Pied Beauty and now I am, a double thanks.

Mark, Rilke was completely unfamiliar to me. Another gift and more gratitude. The poem of your own that it inspired should have made you a shoe-in, but you won last time :P

And Bri, Thanks for digging us out of our tombs long enough to enjoy the lighter, but no less valuable side of things.

So, Grats again, Ian.

Guys I really do think we need to get more folks involved somehow. I hope some others have at least been stopping by the thread. I know people want to get their work out and looked at, etc. but there is a lot of valuable stuff here.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 15, 2014, 01:50:02 PM

Yah, we're building credibility slowly but a reasonable panel we have. Nice announcement there CP, well done Ian. We may be few but we got Sio on the team, knowhatimean ;)

So let's give the exercise a rest for a round or two and kick a couple of hats into ideas. I've got one or two thoughts but's leave the sides of the box down - guys? What next? 

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: cmb on May 15, 2014, 02:01:45 PM
You know, I like the poetry exercise just the way it is. To me, it's a low-pressure way to try out new things - or not - but the challenge is there, and if today's exercise is not for me, then tomorrow's exercise may just be what I need.

I like that every day there's a new challenge to try. It's not about the winning. I mean, winning would be nice, but just being challenged to try something new and expanding my horizons means I'm winning anyway.

More people will find this thread, I'm sure, and it may very well gain in popularity over time. I don't see any great need to change it.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 15, 2014, 02:11:14 PM
Yay!  *laps up applause* thank you thank you. And oh no! My phone battery's almost gone!  A new challenge in about an hour.  I believe I'll go back to more traditional poetry, but...

...with a twist!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 15, 2014, 02:26:43 PM

Cool. I'm glad this new thread's working. And you're right, it's not about winning or judges or competition - it's an exercise where the nominee setter goes  aw, shit, I don't get to submit and now i have to think elsewhere for a mo'. And the others get to work out on a deadline-ish cycle. Just been a lot of creative variety from the setters and submittees - Ian's working feverishly as we speak and we'll see what next I guess.  

You know, I like the poetry exercise just the way it is. To me, it's a low-pressure way to try out new things - or not - but the challenge is there, and if today's exercise is not for me, then tomorrow's exercise may just be what I need.

I like that every day there's a new challenge to try. It's not about the winning. I mean, winning would be nice, but just being challenged to try something new and expanding my horizons means I'm winning anyway.

More people will find this thread, I'm sure, and it may very well gain in popularity over time. I don't see any great need to change it.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 15, 2014, 03:33:19 PM

Compose a 10 to 20 line poem. You can pick your subject and metre freely but your poem must also contain one of the following lines (or as parts of one of your lines):

"of weathered skin, so finely creased"
"tied up, and yet unbound"
"as rising tide pervaded"
"such untamed bouts of rage"
"as petals are to leaves"
"down to a sunless sea"
"unhindered by hesitation"


No end rhymes

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 15, 2014, 04:25:49 PM

Think I might bunk/ditch this class, teach. Multy > multi. Adroit and debonair have disappeared from usage?
That's me to a T when I put on my go to town overalls and wellingtons.   
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: cmb on May 15, 2014, 04:31:03 PM
I might manage this - in Dutch.

In English? Not a chance. I'll pass.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 15, 2014, 04:32:24 PM
Hmm. Do I need to downsize?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: cmb on May 15, 2014, 04:33:43 PM
That's entirely up to you.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 15, 2014, 04:36:31 PM
Ok reload page and check edit.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: 510bhan on May 15, 2014, 05:04:30 PM
Here's my attempt

Somnolent

As petals are to leaves when blustered
from shrubs and trees falling in smidirŪn,
the floral and foliate debris in dreams
need only scent to send the sleeper
fragrant slumber, soothed by lavender,
infused with chamomile or bergamot
from places where orchards and groves
hug hillsides, or grace glades far away,
far away, far away and further still,
still and soporific . . . so very, very tranquil.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 15, 2014, 10:28:47 PM
...and I'm going to try and compete with that??? Beautiful poem, Sio.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 16, 2014, 03:14:39 AM

Wow. Zzzzz...

Here's my attempt

Somnolent

As petals are to leaves when blustered
from shrubs and trees falling in smidirŪn,
the floral and foliate debris in dreams
need only scent to send the sleeper
fragrant slumber, soothed by lavender,
infused with chamomile or bergamot
from places where orchards and groves
hug hillsides, or grace glades far away,
far away, far away and further still,
still and soporific . . . so very, very tranquil.

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 16, 2014, 03:29:18 AM
Hmm. Do I need to downsize?
I dreamed archaisms all night and you downsized :o
Back to the drawing board for me
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 16, 2014, 03:30:20 AM
Stunning, Sio.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 16, 2014, 03:39:54 AM
I'll keep yours good Sio, though you're allowed a second entry. Simply because we love them so much.

-edit- I now realize it wasn't 510bahn who posted.

Archaisms are fine Jewel, as long as you include at least one of my lines.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: cmb on May 16, 2014, 06:19:35 AM
mermaid dreams

back when she was a child
and life filled with magic
she'd chase her sisters down
to the sunless sea where storms
would rage and smash white
frothy waves upon bulkheads
unhindered by hesitation as
the rising tide ravaged
the naked shores with
untamed bouts of rage
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 16, 2014, 06:43:05 AM
Well, this one's nice, it has some kind of dangerous undertones. I like the fact the "bouts of rage" turned up as well as the "sunless sea" though they were altered a bit.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: cmb on May 16, 2014, 07:04:11 AM
Thank you.

I enjoyed this exercise. It took me back many years, to the place where I grew up.  :)

Pssst: I also included your rising tide. It was just too good to pass up.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 16, 2014, 07:46:54 AM
Then
They walk together, hand in hand
through reminders of the ineluctable:
tombstones marking those tied up, and yet unbound.
They pause, stroke the impersonal stone
under which lies their missing youngest,
then enter the chilled unfurnished atrium
to beseech a fearsome deity for blessing.

Now
With screech of brakes and spray of dust
she parks the flashy sports car
alongside the monstrous suburban.
Checks lipstick, earrings, flawless teeth
grabs handbag and dashes,
unhindered by hesitation,
into comforting warmth.
Lifeís so much easier, thanks.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 16, 2014, 08:13:05 AM
Wow.

I love the temporal shift which breaks the poem apart, with "beseech" and "screech" rhyming across time. Well done!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 16, 2014, 08:20:25 AM
Thanks,
I enjoyed the challenge.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 16, 2014, 08:26:14 AM
You're welcome

hey everybody, intoxicated by success I posted another challenge in the "Review My Poetry" thread. It does not require writing poetry so I'm not hijacking this one, please just take one look and tell me what you think, I beseech you.  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 16, 2014, 10:11:58 AM

Ian, please calm down with the 'challenges' and 'games' because the mods will crack down as they did with my Splab thread and move it and maybe this one too to Games and Challenges. Thank you, Mark.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 16, 2014, 10:12:41 AM

Such untamed bouts of rage,
hanging from jackdaw fences
and flecked with spat-word-spittle
are as jackboots upon the glass of love. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 16, 2014, 10:17:00 AM
Hadn't though about that Mark. I just realized I can't delete it. Should I ask Alice to move it?

Nice start, but the challenge says 10 to 20 lines.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 16, 2014, 10:21:06 AM

Thanks, we are already on probation with this one.

Nice start, but the challenge says 10 to 20 lines.

Sorry, wasn't paying too much attention. Tweak.

Such untamed bouts of rage,
hanging from jackdaw fences
and flecked with spat-word-spittle
are as jackboots upon the glass of love.
________________________________ 
_________________________________
______________________________
________________________________
_______________________________
__________________________

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: lan on May 16, 2014, 10:23:08 AM
(http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120906010620/dragonball/images/thumb/9/90/Annoyed-facepalm-picard-l.png/640px-Annoyed-facepalm-picard-l.png)

excellent.


Edited my above comment, are you go for asking Alice to move my thread?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 16, 2014, 10:23:50 AM
Thanks, we are already on probation with this one.

Nice start, but the challenge says 10 to 20 lines.

Sorry, wasn't paying too much attention. Tweak.

Such untamed bouts of rage,
hanging from jackdaw fences
and flecked with spat-word-spittle
are as jackboots upon the glass of love.
________________________________ 
_________________________________
______________________________
________________________________
_______________________________
__________________________



You, Sir, are my hero.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 16, 2014, 10:26:44 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone?
Post by: Mark T on May 16, 2014, 10:52:11 AM
Ian, i tried to send this to you by PM but the address box just converts baby l's into cap L's --- you should look into that if you want to get any PMs. Now I hope you've finished fucking me around for the day.

What you should do is modify your post by deleting the words and making it blank, then modify the title to say something like this; Closed Topic: First Mod Please Remove and then use the button in the post to report it to a mod. You need to do this before any replies are posted because they are not supposed to remove anything once a comment has been posted.

You comment to the newbie was misleading... they are always confused and 'post your presentation' could make him drop his poem there. Best to leave all that stuff to the mods; they have standard template replies they use for accuracy of communication.   
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 16, 2014, 11:01:32 AM
Lol got it sorted out. Thank you

And yes. Done for today.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 16, 2014, 01:27:09 PM

Does that include the next exercise setter, too? I'm gonna hijack and hereby declare Jewel the provisional winner - great poems all round, even my ditty. The thread seems to be bringing out more in the aunties than the uncles, so kudos ladies. Hard to pick - Sio's ballad was something else  :-* (better copyright that) but thanks to Jewel for joining in and so she gets to call the next exercise. Prose crossover prosody could be the default if you demur, Jewel.

Hey, think i just invented a new acronym for a poetry theory that's got everybody beat. ^^ PCP, ha ha.  Remember that debate Negre stirred up - it's a heated topic because somehow it's not poetry if it doesn't at least have enjambments or white space and nobody I've seen here has pulled the theoretical style off to general agreement. So maybe another stab at poetry-prose or prose-poetry, what say you, Jewel, invite a prose pal or two to take on the poets in a purple form neither school is at home with, mm?
Please set an exercise.         
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 16, 2014, 04:17:30 PM
Thanks, Mark. I think ;)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 16, 2014, 04:23:27 PM
I'll take Mark's tip with a bit of a safican  twist.

Give me 10 to 20 written lines of purple prose/poetry. Every noun with 2 or 3 adjectives and every verb with 2 or 3 adverbs.

And make me understand the underbelly of your city.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 16, 2014, 04:28:29 PM
The underbelly? You mean the sewers?  :o
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 16, 2014, 04:43:13 PM
Heavily, immeasurably soaked
and constantly steeped deeply
in strong sectarian beliefs
giant, lurid murals, resplendent
in colourful domination
declare largely and loudly
the religious or political side
they staunchly and loyally support.
Some may argue vehemently, whole-heartedly
that loyal support is not nationalist, republican
or reasonably representative
of another passionate, tri-coloured opinion.
Welcome to Ballymena, beautiful, divided
into red, white and blue
or green, white and gold
an eyesore or a sight for sore eyes to behold.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 16, 2014, 05:15:08 PM
Sio. That came out after just 20 minutes?  Holy Flatiron!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 16, 2014, 05:19:30 PM
Sio. That came out after just 20 minutes?  Holy Flatiron!

Don't you just hate her?  ;)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 16, 2014, 05:40:42 PM
Codroipo, Italy

With every blessed pouring rain
she readily, eagerly soaks straight through
her underground brick-laid feet

Each cracked up musty cellar stain
though previously carefully wiped anew
its cheerful greenish tint, complete
with mouldy, mossy smell
invariably returns again
and poor ol'me shall always be caught saying:
"bloody burning hell!"



Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 16, 2014, 06:01:20 PM
The underbelly? You mean the sewers?  :o
That's right, Nel.  Use purple prose to describe the unpretty.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 16, 2014, 06:14:44 PM
Final Immersion

Intoxicated, inebriated he waddled
out of the rundown seedy pub.
His best mates, both equally shabby
in threadbare though once elegant clothes,
stepped out into the dimly lit alley.
Carefully, precariously trying to avoid
the putrid, stinky puddles of puke.
In quivering, drunken contralto he sings
loudly, unintelligibly the national anthem
as he giddily, unsteadily climbs onto
the rain soaked slippery railing
of the high, proud Nelson Mandela bridge.
Then he plummets, unstoppably and irrevocably
to his wet and dramatic untimely end.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 16, 2014, 06:15:47 PM
Well done, Sio.  No orange though?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 16, 2014, 06:17:59 PM
I do see your old and mouldy town, Ian
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 16, 2014, 06:19:59 PM
Well done, Sio.  No orange though?

Orange is another way of saying red, white and blue. ;) And the other flag has gold . . . not orange in it. ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 16, 2014, 06:21:33 PM
Wow, Nel. Have you been there/here?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 16, 2014, 06:23:23 PM
It'seems date night  - will give fuller acknowledgement to all in the morning.  Thanks to all who have and hopefully those who will contribute.
Thought this would be a good one for Vienna and Neghe?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 16, 2014, 06:23:57 PM
Wow, Nel. Have you been there/here?

Yep. I saw the police dredging his body out of the water. It wasn't pretty.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 17, 2014, 02:06:20 AM
I do see your old and mouldy town, Ian

Trust me, you don't wanna see my cellar though.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 17, 2014, 12:56:11 PM

North Beach, Durban.

The staggered battlements of high-rise flatland
with ten thousand blank and reflective glitter-eyes
cast gloomy, lengthening shadows on the grassy park.
Soon, swift velvet dusk will gather and sprinkle-fall
on the narrow shoulders of cave denizens in the sky
as they hurry homeward along hastening pavements,
plastic bags rustling and salt wind-tugged hair swirling.
Urban street-predators unfurl and tap impatient blades,
as rat-packs of straggled surfers drift in chattering waves,
to the blue-glow of televisions pulsing behind lofted curtains
stacked in little layers of humanity, sandwiched in concrete slabs.

 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 17, 2014, 01:40:39 PM
What happened to the adverbs? ;D

North Beach, Durban.

The staggered battlements of high-rise flatland
with ten thousand blank and reflective glitter-eyes
cast gloomy, lengthening shadows on the grassy park.
Soon, swift velvet dusk will gather and sprinkle-fall
on the narrow shoulders of cave denizens in the sky
as they hurry homeward along hastening pavements,
plastic bags rustling and salt wind-tugged hair swirling.
Urban street-predators unfurl and tap impatient blades,
as rat-packs of straggled surfers drift in chattering waves,
to the blue-glow of televisions pulsing behind lofted curtains
stacked in little layers of humanity, sandwiched in concrete slabs.

 

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 17, 2014, 01:58:04 PM
Whoops. They merrily merrily went uh.  Somewhere else
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 17, 2014, 03:24:07 PM

sorry, rush job, not paying too much attention again, just remembered the purple - and the lines were getting too long. Now that it's worse, is it any better?

The staggered battlements of high-rise flatland
with ten thousand blank and reflective glitter-eyes
cast gloomy, lengthening shadows on the grassy park.
Soon, swift velvet dusk will gather speed and sprinkle-fall
darkly on the narrow shoulders of cave denizens in the sky
as they hurry jumpily homeward along hastening pavements,
plastic bags rustling crackily and salt wind-tugged hair swirling gustily.
Urban street-predators unfurl slowly and tap quick impatient blades,
as rat-packs of straggled surfers drift sluggishly in chattering waves,
to the blue-glow of televisions pulsing electronically behind lofted curtains
stacked high in little layers of humanity, sandwiched somnolently between concrete slabs.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 17, 2014, 03:27:09 PM

Hang on, how's this then?


The staggered battlements
of high-rise flatland
with ten thousand blank
and reflective glitter-eyes
cast gloomy, lengthening shadows on the grassy park.
Soon, swift velvet dusk
will gather and sprinkle-fall
on the narrow shoulders
of cave denizens in the sky
as they hurry homeward
along hastening pavements,
plastic bags rustling and salt wind-tugged hair swirling.
Urban street-predators
unfurl and tap impatient blades,
as rat-packs of straggled surfers
drift in chattering waves,
to the blue-glow of televisions
pulsing behind lofted curtains
stacked in little layers of humanity, sandwiched in concrete slabs.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 17, 2014, 03:32:27 PM
I see some verbs still lie undecorated.  :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 17, 2014, 04:15:35 PM
Time's just about up. Has Mark finalised his entry? Seen that in Durbs - wrote about it in 2006 - was hoping for something about the toothless methalated bergies littering the not so pristine walls of table mountain ;)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 17, 2014, 04:26:08 PM
Good effort all round. Political/religious intolerance, mouldy olde walls, care-less affluence disregarding abject poverty: all intellectual observations of particularly nasty situations/places.

But Nelodra gets my vote on this one because she has managed to inject her personal disgust: this is her actual response to an actual episode which gives the purple prose it's raison d'etre.

Well done all and thank you for the effort.

Over to you, Nel.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 17, 2014, 04:34:34 PM
Oh wow. I mean: Drat! Thanks Jewel.  :)

I'll have a think and let you know what the next exercise is.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 17, 2014, 04:35:38 PM
Please not a villanelle.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 17, 2014, 04:58:30 PM
Please not a villanelle.
Echoes
Retweets
#nooooo
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 17, 2014, 05:01:08 PM
Be careful what you wish for -- there are such creatures as sestinas lurk out there or pantoums . . .  ::)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 17, 2014, 05:01:32 PM
Please not a villanelle.

Echoes
Retweets
#nooooo

Your prayers have been heard.

Write an epitaph.
http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/epitaph.html

..................
..................
..................
..................
..................
..................
..................
..................

For your own tombstone.  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 17, 2014, 05:05:36 PM
Don't know where this would ever be as I plan to assist the plants in my garden or maybe get clodded of a cliff in sticky lumps from a jar.


I once breathed and enjoyed life
as daughter, mother and a wife
sister, cousin, niece and pain,
I wonít be bothering you again.


Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 17, 2014, 05:10:05 PM
Bloody hell, Sio.  Can't you pretend to have to think about it for 30 minutes?  :o
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 17, 2014, 05:11:03 PM
Sorry. ;D

I will take this writing malarkey seriously one day. :D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 17, 2014, 05:12:42 PM
Jewel has a point Sio. I think your epitaph really should be in the form of a pantoum.  :P
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 17, 2014, 05:17:29 PM
Hpmh! >:(


Siobhan has died, we must rejoice
her life was full of dubious choice
but without her we wouldnít see
a crock of shit as itís meant to be

Her life was full of dubious choice
yet still weíll hear her voice
a crock of shit as itís meant to be
she never lied to you or me

Yet still weíll hear her voice
a mast upon which to hoist
Ďshe never lied to you and meí
something soothing, like the sea

Siobhan has died, we must rejoice
but without her we wouldnít see
something soothing like the sea
in sounds she heard in poetry
 :P :P :P :P
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 17, 2014, 05:18:04 PM
Hpmh! >:(

 ;D  ;D  ;D

Psssst, Sio, you might be able to bribe me...  :D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 17, 2014, 05:26:55 PM
Done! In ten minutes or so. ::)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 17, 2014, 05:27:59 PM
If you can read this stone
you're probably alive
So as long as you thrive
I'll share a little tip:
Before you're next in line
and your life switch is flipped
be sure to write your rhyme.

That way once you're worm poo
someone will read you too

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 17, 2014, 05:35:21 PM
Done! In ten minutes or so. ::)

And you mucked up the last stanza  :P
Neener, neener, neeeener!


Last stanza:

Line 2 of previous stanza
Line 3 of first stanza
Line 4 of previous stanza
Line 1 of first stanza
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 17, 2014, 05:37:10 PM
A four-stanza pantoum is common,(although more may be used) and in the final stanza, you could simply repeat lines one and three from the first stanza, or write new lines. The pantoum "recipe" is as follows:
Stanza 1 A B C D
Stanza 2 B E D F
Stanza 3 E G F H
Stanza 4 G I (or A or C) H J (or A or C)

neener-neener back atcha! ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 17, 2014, 05:38:03 PM
Quote
And you mucked up the last stanza   :P
Neener, neener, neeeener!

this is getting competitive!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 17, 2014, 05:39:15 PM
Source?

Mine is: http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/pantoum.html
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 17, 2014, 05:39:48 PM
this is getting competitive!

Not really. I'm not entering this round, remember?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 17, 2014, 05:43:41 PM
Source?

Mine is: http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/pantoum.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantoum

You never said we had to go there for the pantoum explanation/inspiration -- only for the epitaph. ::) I went hunting by myself. :D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 17, 2014, 05:52:17 PM
OK, cool. Thanks. :)

Extra brownie points for own initiative.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 17, 2014, 06:12:01 PM

Stop if you will a moment but no longer
take certain comfort he that lies within
his sufferings complete, his quest now over
the quiet he sought in life, in death found him.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 17, 2014, 06:13:23 PM
Sorry. ;D

I will take this writing malarkey seriously one day. :D

And the world will rightfully rejoice in the bounty.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 17, 2014, 07:10:37 PM

a rolling stone
stopped here
to gather moss
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 17, 2014, 07:13:27 PM

Durbs? Bergies? How do you know this stuff? 

Time's just about up. Has Mark finalised his entry? Seen that in Durbs - wrote about it in 2006 - was hoping for something about the toothless methalated bergies littering the not so pristine walls of table mountain ;)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 18, 2014, 12:21:16 AM
Durbs? Bergies? How do you know this stuff? 

I live in Joburg
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 18, 2014, 12:52:21 AM
On a bench on a mountainside overlooking a wild sea crashing a rocky coastline:

She who reinvented herself
Year after year
Now forever unchanged
Is remembered here.

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 18, 2014, 07:51:40 AM
I live in Joburg

Frickin' hell, ha ha, I thought you were from Texas or something, ekse. I'm near Mossel Bay.     
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 18, 2014, 12:12:34 PM

Sorry Nel - hijack again - declaring myself the winner, ha ha, because I want to set the next exercise.

Bad poem exercise:

Write the worst poem you can, go bad, throw everything you hate about bad poetry into it, be cheesy and  pen the Hallmark lines from hell, whatever, you get the idea. We'll pick the worst one along the way but then in round 2 we swap the poems and rewrite someone else's terrible poem into the best shape possible without losing the theme or increasing the word count, and then pick the best improvement. I'll ask Tom to call the winner. Tom? 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 18, 2014, 12:38:23 PM
My life, my love, you are divine
you touch me in this heart of mine
I thought that I was doing fine
before you I was doing time.

Your love is like a gentle flower
but I feel awesome power
together we can build a tower
to the heavens.

What is that there, my life, a tear?
Your pain is what I most fear.
because I hold you so so dear,
I think I need larger underwear.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 18, 2014, 12:42:06 PM

Hilariously bad but in a subtle way. Good job or should I say good bad job? 

My life, my love, you are divine
you touch me in this heart of mine
I thought that I was doing fine
before you I was doing time.

Your love is like a gentle flower
but I feel awesome power
together we can build a tower
to the heavens.

What is that there, my life, a tear?
Your pain is what I most fear.
because I hold you so so dear,
I think I need larger underwear.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 18, 2014, 12:46:29 PM
Who is who and what is what?
My lack of affliction makes me not
appreciated in anotherís eyes.

Itís fiction, itís art imitating life
and does not mean my lack of strife
curtails empathy, oh how I despise

the bio demanded to prove your worth
the sad background, the unfortunate birth
the crummy job and then the rise

from obscurity to celebrity
based on factual inaccuracy
and outright lies
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 18, 2014, 01:01:36 PM
Sorry Nel - hijack again - declaring myself the winner, ha ha, because I want to set the next exercise.

Not fair, Mark.
This is spoilt little boy behaviour, and I'm allergic to that.  >:(
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 18, 2014, 01:07:48 PM
Awfully close in the current poetry competition in Writing Games and Challenges -- if you haven't already voted please do it could make all the difference to the outcome. ;) ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 18, 2014, 01:18:01 PM
So's the flash fiction one.  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 18, 2014, 01:23:12 PM
Not fair, Mark.
This is spoilt little boy behaviour, and I'm allergic to that.  >:(

Sorry Nel, okay this quick round is over, CP truimphed as notice how Sio trying to be bad can't help herself.

Nelodra, please set the next exercise.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 18, 2014, 01:43:47 PM
Sorry Nel, okay this quick round is over, CP truimphed as notice how Sio trying to be bad can't help herself.

Nelodra, please set the next exercise.

No, I won't.

Your quick round is disqualified and so are the entries. Sorry Sio and CP.

As for the epitaph...

Sio did a remarkable job with both the first entry and the pantoum.
Ian made me laugh out loud with his worm poo.
CP's epitaph had a nice dark feel to it.
Mark's was clever and succint.
But the winner is Jewel. I loved the serene feel of her epitaph.


Jewel, over to you. Please set the next exercise.  :)
 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 18, 2014, 01:46:21 PM
Now that that is sorted. I agree and found Jewel's amazing.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Biola on May 18, 2014, 02:06:09 PM
 >:( :( :o ??? how did I get here? (whimper) Someone said I could.
They were getting dinner ready
and needed a mouse
and he said, "quick grab her"
screaming I landed
just as they sharpened the knives
for mouse fillets
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 18, 2014, 03:06:28 PM
A sparkling entry Biola!


time's up innit? Who won?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 18, 2014, 03:14:43 PM
Jewel won. We're waiting for her to set a new exercise.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 18, 2014, 04:30:07 PM
Thanks everyone. Just seen this. I'll have to put that in my will, I think;)

So. What's next.

Change of season - parochial, pastoral, earthy. 15 to 20 lines.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 18, 2014, 04:32:11 PM
Thanks everyone. Just seen this. I'll have to put that in my will, I think;)

So. What's next.

Change of season - parochial, pastoral, earthy. 15 to 20 lines.

Metaphorical? Up to 20 lines of free verse or anything in between? xbx
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 18, 2014, 04:36:38 PM
Hey, Bri.  Nice to have you on board. 

Whatever 'Change of Season' means to you.
Described in pastoral, parochial, earthy terms.
Min 15 lines. Max 20 lines.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 18, 2014, 04:39:50 PM
The midnight sky I adore,
before turquoise turns black
is diminishing,
extinguishing summer
as light forsakes the horizon.
I notice its decline with regret,
pine, fret
and feel the coolness
that accompanies the deepening
blue, and the waning
of a harvest moon
losing its rotund cheeriness
confirms
autumnal stealth
is already in play.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 18, 2014, 04:40:21 PM
Sorry Joo. I didn't realise your last line was the new exercise. I thought you were asking for ideas. heh heh. xbx
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 18, 2014, 04:41:54 PM
The sub challenge as always is
Try to get your in before Sio :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 18, 2014, 04:42:44 PM
Too late! ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 18, 2014, 04:48:37 PM
Anoraks are shed
winter-woollies dropped,
Fishermen's Friends unsucked,
cos throats are not sore.
Gardens become greener,
sheds are emptied, grass
is cut and re-cut and re-cut.
Long trousers become shorts
shorts become skimpy's.
Eyes often bulge,
a reflection of lower parts.
Breasts become Amber Solaire-
stained, and the odd finger-print
can be seen.
Ah yes. Summer is here.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 18, 2014, 05:33:17 PM

In June the winds begin
sometimes days at a time
pushing, shoving at the pines
that roar right back again, again

In July there's often frost in the morning
scattered bracelets of threaded diamonds
the sun is thin and weak, just a steady breeze
wind-chills the ruddy nose on your face to zero

In August, it seems winter will never end
wet storms sweep in from the blustered Cape
Crazy rain, sometimes snow, it's just cold today
Spring is due, it's just a day, that 1st of September. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 18, 2014, 07:52:34 PM
The seasons merely color my commute.
Day in, day out,
shaded and indifferent,
winter snow or spring rain,
the occasional delay,
no symbolic interjections.
Green or grey,
Man imposes his own meaning on what is.
A cycle surely
and then what?
Apple blossoms are the same damned white as snow.
Seeds to ground and running water,
another manís burden,
a farmerís perhaps.
Iíve a train to catch
and must decide on clothing.
Time passes much too quickly for idle speculation.
I'm running awfully late
and the weatherís on the change.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 19, 2014, 02:40:07 AM
The gentle breeze
o'er fields and distant moors,
whispers "dance!" And grass leaves
and on the trees, giants of memory,
with every gust their pages turn

Upon the sylvan songbook then
another day is written down
to tell of herds and men and soil
and of their toil, to nature's rhythmic sound.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 19, 2014, 03:57:24 AM

Glad to see I'm not the only one that's forgotten how to count.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 19, 2014, 04:01:42 AM
Thanks for the reminder, Mark.

Are the poets allowed to change their offerings? I don't know the finer rules of this game.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 19, 2014, 04:11:03 AM
Lol. Totally forgot the line number requisite. Oh well.

The gentle breeze
o'er fields and distant moors,
whispers "dance!" And grass leaves
and on the trees, giants of memory,
with every gust their pages turn

Upon the sylvan songbook then
another day is written down
to tell of herds and men and soil
and of their toil, to nature's rhythmic sound.

And as I sit upon this mound
to rest my nightly wanderings I pause,
awaiting for the dawn I need to choose
the most parochial and bucolic way
to peel this goddamned cowslip
off my new leather shoes.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 19, 2014, 08:19:59 AM
Is everybody waiting for everybody else to comment? I liked CP's this time, because it has a different derogatory take on nature.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 19, 2014, 08:41:30 AM
I thought only the game controller commented? And then maybe others, after the winner is announced?
I really need to check the rules of this thread  :P

We're waiting for the 24 hour deadline to be reached. Thus giving someone else a few more hours to contribute.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 19, 2014, 10:34:49 AM
We're waiting for the 24 hour deadline to be reached. Thus giving someone else a few more hours to contribute.

I'm trying. Just not succeeding... yet.  :D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 19, 2014, 11:23:57 AM

Jewel, this is what we kicked off with.   


Post in this thread. No personal edits allowed once posted. General crits and comments are encouraged. Iíll pick the poem I like most and that person can set the next exercise.
Deadline is 24 hours from the time of this post.
Deal?

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 19, 2014, 11:46:49 AM
T's Mark  :D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 19, 2014, 11:50:35 AM
we never went outside
to build big snowmen
with coal black eyes
or challenge a friend to
a warming snowball fight

we didn't drink hot chocolate
spiked with strong dark rum
after conquering the frozen pond
and treacherous ditches
on rusty ice skates

the children never licked
ice flowers from cold windows
on crispy days

a warm wet spring came early
trees have budded and bloomed
and it almost seems like summer
has already arrived
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 19, 2014, 12:26:47 PM
Jewel, this is what we kicked off with.   


Lots of edits since then.  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 19, 2014, 12:58:11 PM

Yeah, I get to break the rules, just for practice. What if we all throw in some suggies on methods and if there's a consensus I can add any extra rules at the top of the first post in da thread.

My suggie to follow the idea in Heidi's Poetic This thread and add a discussion/editorial element. Free writing on whatever. If I'm not mistaken almost all - not sure about CP - regular exercisers here are actually prose writers - even me with my novel manuscripts.
I'll kick the ball off again and ask for a short essay on the specific value of poetry composition in improving prose writing in general. I'm particularly curious if the condensation element of poetry also features in keeping plotting lean and mean.
Maybe then a few more prose-heads will stop, drop and pop some words.

I nominate Sio as first essayist. Seconded?

   
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 19, 2014, 01:09:45 PM
Lots of edits since then.  ;D

Yah, but we have been sticking to those rules - even Sio disqualified herself, remember. The subject of the rules has come up, so hence the recap. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 19, 2014, 01:21:52 PM
I reckon if you want an essay thread then make one. This is a poetry thread?

I would have said I was a poet before I joined here. Then I realised how pathetic I am at that. I have never considered myself a story teller.

So where does that leave me? Practising. And hopefully getting better at it all.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 19, 2014, 01:28:34 PM
Yah, but we have been sticking to those rules - even Sio disqualified herself, remember. The subject of the rules has come up, so hence the recap. 

I guess you're right. I'm out for this turn. But I do claim the right for my beautiful pastoral poem to be reviewed :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 19, 2014, 01:28:52 PM
I reckon if you want an essay thread then make one. This is a poetry thread?

Agreed.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 19, 2014, 01:37:17 PM
I'm in thumbing mode - makes reviews a challenge.
Ian: Your pastoral submission evokes images ala whatisface constable. Till the last earthy lines that blow it - and leave a huge grin on my face.
Nel: your never did it right is poignant to almost painful - delicate in its delivery.

Smart phone challenge... more to follow
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 19, 2014, 01:42:12 PM
Cp: I so enjoy the no nonsense bloke approach to this potentially chick delivery.
Mark : the weather down there is awful any time of the year but the scenery makes up for it.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 19, 2014, 01:49:52 PM
Bri: as usual is shedding someone's clothes
Sio: astounds with the seamless connectivity of normally unconnected words.

As you can all gather I'm having terrible trouble picking a winner.

And the winner is..Ian. You stuck the closest to the rules.
Over to you.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 19, 2014, 02:09:19 PM

Well done, Ian, for sticking to the rules the most.

Okay, so no Poetic This elements then. It was a good thread. I guess essay was the wrong word to use. Any other suggies regarding a rules and format update or does the original dab as quoted above suffice? 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 19, 2014, 02:23:22 PM
I'm game for whatever gets more people involved. Mark, I think your original idea was a great one. Seeing that this thread gets considerably more play then Poetic This, I would certainly welcome some Poetic This elements here. We have such a diverse group that I know I'd gain a lot from a peak at peoples thoughts, theories, etc.

Maybe the answer is to make more use of Poetic This for that :P I know T. has posted some stellar comments on several poems that really deserve to be read. Anyway, I'm game for whatever.

Sorry for this brief interlude. Gratz, Ian.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 19, 2014, 02:24:01 PM
Oi -- I stuck to the rules for this one! The first challenge one was the only one I broke the rules on and confessed such up front. :P

 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 19, 2014, 02:28:15 PM
Congrats Ian. What's the next exercise?  :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 19, 2014, 02:32:24 PM
Oi -- I stuck to the rules for this one! The first challenge one was the only one I broke the rules on and confessed such up front. :P

 :D :D :D :D
Ian's deffo the most pastoral of all the poems. It was soo hard to choose - I really enjoyed them all for different reasons. I had to pick a reason to justify a winner... no matter who I picked... argh. .. you know exactly what I mean.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 19, 2014, 02:42:06 PM
Yay!

Ok let's see. At this point you know how much a sucker I am for ye olde stuff. My archaism challenge was a flop though because I hadn't thought about Nel.

So here's something a bit more accessible but still very challenging:


KENNINGS

Write at least 12 lines to celebrate someone/something/somewhere in heroic tones. Instead of flat, boring nouns you are to use kennings (as many as you can) Google them up for extra help, here are some examples:

battle - storm of swords

sea - swan road

puke - reverse dinner
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 19, 2014, 02:42:39 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Just trying to uphold my reputation as a straight player, that's all. :D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 19, 2014, 02:43:55 PM
And of course, extra brownie points if you...
BEAT SIO TO IT!!!!! LOL!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 19, 2014, 02:47:09 PM
And of course, extra brownie points if you...
BEAT SIO TO IT!!!!! LOL!

LOL! I'm not going to. I like to take my own sweet time. ;)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 19, 2014, 02:53:23 PM
Here it is:

Let pain regale in all her glory
sweet suffíring grant me knowledge
of thy turbulent desire
violent as the clash of a thousand spears
to tremor in undisguised plate-shift rigour
and make me feel once again alive.
The drip of sands, eternal in its delivery,
makes the clench and release
of chambered liquid an ecstasy
thatís agony coursed in its arterial route
circulating a sluggish transmission
as rumour in this humour regrets transgression.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 19, 2014, 03:00:36 PM
(http://mmii.info/_ign/34529.gif) LOL
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 19, 2014, 03:01:18 PM
Thought we had just done purple. This sounds like ultra-violet.

Yay!

Ok let's see. At this point you know how much a sucker I am for ye olde stuff. My archaism challenge was a flop though because I hadn't thought about Nel.

So here's something a bit more accessible but still very challenging:


KENNINGS

Write at least 12 lines to celebrate someone/something/somewhere in heroic tones. Instead of flat, boring nouns you are to use kennings (as many as you can) Google them up for extra help, here are some examples:

battle - storm of swords

sea - swan road

puke - reverse dinner

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 19, 2014, 03:02:21 PM
Thought we had just done purple. This sounds like ultra-violet.

Haha! My thoughts exactly.  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 19, 2014, 03:10:53 PM
Would you call the Beowulf purple?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 19, 2014, 03:11:32 PM
Have you read it? He'd whack the shit out of ya if you did! :o
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 19, 2014, 03:14:08 PM
Would you call the Beowulf purple?

I wouldn't know. I never read the original version. Old and Middle Dutch are quite hard enough, thank you very much.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 19, 2014, 03:17:45 PM
I've read some bits in Old English.

Hwaet!
We Gardena in Geardagum
Theodkyninga thrym gefuron
Hu tha aethelingas ellen fremedon!

Pretty much from memory. (Had to check a couple words).

 ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 19, 2014, 03:24:07 PM
Here's some old Dutch for you:

Hebban olla vogala nestas hagunnan hinase hic enda thu wat unbidan we nu.

Have fun with that. It hardly even looks like Dutch.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 19, 2014, 03:29:38 PM
Something about birds. Isn't vogala similar to german Vogel?

Edit: I've just googled it. It's a love poem!

Haven't all birds begun
to build their nests?
Except me and you,
what are we waiting for?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 19, 2014, 03:33:27 PM
http://www.studyhood.com/english/dutch_translation.html

The Hebban olla vogala fragment.

An early Dutch recorded writing is: "Hebban olla vogala nestas hagunnan, hinase hic enda tu, wat unbidan we nu" ("All birds have started making nests, except me and you, what are we waiting for"), dating around the year 1100, written by a Flemish monk in a convent in Rochester, England. For a long time this sentence was considered to be the earliest in Dutch, but since its discovery even older fragments were found, such as "Visc flot aftar themo uuatare" ("A fish was swimming in the water") and "Gelobistu in got alamehtigan fadaer" ("Do you believe in God the almighty father").
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 19, 2014, 03:34:36 PM
I love this stuff!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 19, 2014, 03:49:11 PM
http://www.studyhood.com/english/dutch_translation.html

The Hebban olla vogala fragment.

An early Dutch recorded writing is: "Hebban olla vogala nestas hagunnan, hinase hic enda tu, wat unbidan we nu" ("All birds have started making nests, except me and you, what are we waiting for"),

When I first learned about this fragment in school, I was taught a slightly different version:

Hebban olla vogala nestas bigunnan, hinase hic enda tu, wat unbidan we nu."

The most literal translation would be:
Have all birds begun nests, except me and you, what shall we do now."

And here's another nice fragment:
An ‚uont in an morgan in an mitdon dage tellon sal ic in kundon, in he gehŰron sal.
"In the evening and in the morning and in the afternoon shall I tell and proclaim, and he shall listen."

I did read some Old Dutch works. Yonks ago.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 19, 2014, 03:53:14 PM
One of my favorites is (again from memory)

Eala Earendel, engla beorthast
Ofer Middangeard monnum sended

Hail Earendel, brightest of stars,
Over Middle-Earth sent upon men.


Edit: I shall now stop spamming the thread and let people submit their poems. :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 19, 2014, 04:31:18 PM

You meat puppets
with tappity-tap tap
glowing electronic glass
between squawking boxes   
are too high brow for I&I.
These letter combos
you call double words
dip my thinking sponge
into the round receptacle
that rhymes with fuckit,
wrings it out again
5+5 times ten. 

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 19, 2014, 05:03:02 PM
Before us stand the mockings of a god:
Sound shapes and divine invocations,
the sun itself a yellow yawn,
the chaff of a hidden harvest,
a field of golden connotation
denoting bread for the soul.
And grounded pigeons,
too fat to flee or fly
peck sweet sustenance
from saturated air,
awestruck,
wise enough to wonder.
Fools of fate,
fortunate friends of a god.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 19, 2014, 05:29:56 PM
Fly away little scribbler
on wings of gossamer gold.
To pastures new
where poets are few,
and writing is good.
So I'm told.

I held you aloft
in trembling hands
then shook you up
on your way.
Fly away now,
you wonderous thing
And remember me
some day.

Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 20, 2014, 06:12:58 AM
Wow. Excellent entries so far. There's still time for more to join in! 

Yea to you I speak, tablet-thumbers and phone-strokers!
Wind up your think-jars and produce some singing words!
Uplift your heroes o praise-givers and quaff the life-water of victory!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 20, 2014, 06:24:50 AM
Sorry Ian. I'm going to have to give this one a pass. I've got some stuff to take care of, and that doesn't leave me much room for writing. Not today.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 20, 2014, 06:50:18 AM
Sorry, Ian, you'll have to count me out of this one.

I used up all my inspiration elsewhere and I've not the time to labour   :-[
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 20, 2014, 07:15:34 AM
Grumble grumble grumble quitters grumble grumble.  :D

No problem.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 20, 2014, 07:27:46 AM

Anyone mind if I sneak in a little off-topic post? This thread's kinda occupying a slot.
Comments welcome.

Aloes of May

Hey look itís you Ö drifter-chick
passing through my little world,
wonít you stop and sit awhile
before the wind leaves again


Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 20, 2014, 07:40:25 AM
I like it, Mark. Love the wrap up.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 20, 2014, 07:53:20 AM

Thanks CP.  :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 20, 2014, 02:45:47 PM
Time's almost up.  Give me a bit to read all the entries again. Stay tuned.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 20, 2014, 03:22:56 PM
Hallowed aeoden welcome
to the fabled halls of Heorot.
To each one, spell-spinners
your worthy place and sitting-spot.

Yet one in truth has strummed
the magic golden lyre
and kenningar has wrought
from the forge of creative fire

Has Sioban won this round? Ay no!
but close her spear has hit
and also close came to the Mark
the T. But alas no cigar!

Yea Bri did make our spirits fly
on wings of gossamer and gold
but to the Poe I, Hrothgar King
bestow the rightful winner's ring!


CONGRATS CP!


Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 20, 2014, 03:27:42 PM
Jeez. Sorry for winning guys. It wasn't my intention. ha ha. Can't believe it.  ;D

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 20, 2014, 03:28:50 PM
Ahem.  "To the Poe"
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 20, 2014, 03:28:56 PM
You didn't -- Poe did.

but to the Poe I, Hrothgar King
bestow the rightful winner's ring!


Jeez. Sorry for winning guys. It wasn't my intention. ha ha. Can't believe it.  ;D


Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 20, 2014, 03:40:11 PM

Nice one, Bri. Waiting to see what exercise you come up with, please no more dogs. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 20, 2014, 03:40:54 PM
It wasn't Bri' -- it was CP. :D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 20, 2014, 03:42:54 PM
Thanks Ian.

Bri, na, na, na, na, na, na! :P

Give me a bit think something up, although if we don't get more involvement I'm not sure there's much of a point. I'll keep going however just for the additional reason it gives you guys to post cool stuff for me to read.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 20, 2014, 03:43:25 PM
It wasn't Bri' -- it was CP. :D
ah, right, guess I should, ahem, read the thread better. Bri... Congrats to CP then.  
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 20, 2014, 03:44:59 PM
Dangitz. Wasn't clear enough maybe.  

Hey I think the winner should be awarded a dedicated poem by the challenge organizer (Maybe something better than my scribbles)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 20, 2014, 03:49:25 PM

While CP's thinking I have this idea to slow things down a bit and up the quality. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 20, 2014, 03:50:42 PM
You saying there's no quality in my nine minute efforts? :o
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 20, 2014, 03:53:14 PM
Or my three minute winner declaration poems?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 20, 2014, 03:53:37 PM
My idea is to listen to Mark's idea unless it sucks. If it does the contest is to post a poem in any form making fun of it. :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 20, 2014, 03:56:37 PM
ROFLMAO
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 20, 2014, 03:58:26 PM
ha ha, I'll go with CP's suggestion - but let me point out that your assumptions are wrong - upping the quality means improving the existing standard not that it is poor. Unless you all say there's no further room for improvement? Speak for yourself if you do.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 20, 2014, 03:59:02 PM
I Demand a Recount!! ha ha.

Sorry guys. I'll just slink away and hide my shame in this corner that's just (conveniently) appeared. ha ha.

And Marc? If God doesn't get you for that 'na-na-na-na-na' comment. Then I will!

ha ha. B
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 20, 2014, 04:01:14 PM
And just so we're clear on this. What does it matter how many posters are coming here? I'm enjoying this thread, and I suspect, all of you are too. So keep gannin.' (keep going). With respect to you all. B
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 20, 2014, 04:10:46 PM
My idea is to listen to Mark's idea unless it sucks. If it does the contest is to post a poem in any form making fun of it. :)
Okay, it probably does sucketh but what about a revision exercise? Write a normalish poem - CP you call the details - then each posts a piece, gets crits, then posts a revision. Something like that, just need to agree on the time frame. I was thinking we can all try and post the revisions at roughly the same time 24 hours after the first version.   
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 20, 2014, 04:24:13 PM
Meanwhile . . . a taking the piss sestina

Curved round and whorled and spiralled like a snail
the verse gets worse, crucially crossing back and forth.
Retrogradatio cruciate; Italian terms demand gesture
cross-eyed and tongue tied hands waggle in frustration
but donít dare deny the formís integrity,
itís complicated and convoluted for words better elocuted.

Itís complicated and convoluted for words better elocuted
curved round and whorled and spiralled like a snail.
But donít dare deny the formís integrity
the verse gets worse, crucially crossing back and forth.
Cross-eyed and tongue-tied hands waggle in frustration
Retrogradatio cruciata Italian terms demand gesture.

Retrogradatio cruciata  . . . Italian terms demand gesture,
itís complicated and convoluted for words better elocuted
cross-eyed and tongue-tied, hands waggle in frustration,
curved round and whorled and spiralled like a snail.
The verse gets worse, crucially crossing back and forth
but donít dare deny the formís integrity.

But donít dare deny the formís integrity
Retrogradatio cruciata. Italian terms demand gesture.
The verse gets worse, crucially crossing back and forth.
Itís complicated and convoluted. For words better elocuted
curved round and whorled and spiralled like a snail
cross-eyed and tongue-tied, hands waggle in frustration.

Cross-eyed, and tongue-tied, hands waggle in frustration
but donít dare deny the formís integrity.
Curved round and whorled and spiralled like a snail
Retrogradatio cruciata Italian terms demand gesture.
Itís complicated. And convoluted. For words better elocuted
the verse gets worse, crucially crossing back and forth.

The verse gets worse, crucially crossing back and forth
cross-eyed. And, tongue-tied, hands waggle in frustration
itís complicated and convoluted. For words better elocuted,
but donít dare deny the formís integrity,
Retrogradatio cruciata Italian terms demand gesture
curved round and whorled and spiralled like a snail.


Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 20, 2014, 04:28:27 PM
Maybe it's just me, but I don't think I like sestina's. They seem a bit repetitive. I know that's how they're supposed to be, but maybe it's a taste I still need to acquire?  JMHO. B
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 20, 2014, 04:31:08 PM
My idea is to listen to Mark's idea unless it sucks. If it does the contest is to post a poem in any form making fun of it. :)

That's why I made fun of it -- can't see them really holding interest . . . and I'm not the only one. Read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sestina
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 20, 2014, 04:36:32 PM

My god woman, a sestina-poem set to a fibonacci sequence, someone spell that properly for me, please.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 20, 2014, 04:38:47 PM

CP? can you set a normal exercise please?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 20, 2014, 04:39:26 PM
Here you go, Mark. 'T-H-A-T.' Ok mate?  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 20, 2014, 04:40:15 PM
So in the end we are looking for the most improved poem? I like it. For this I think the poet should decide the style and form. We're looking for the impact of the reviews and the quality of the revisions, not anyone's application of a specific form or style. 

I do ask that it be a decent length (10 lines min?) none of the little four line things I like to pawn off and no haiku, cause let's face it, they're not actually poems (Just kidding). But I think 10 Lines if fair.

I can't submit a poem, but I assume it's ok for me to offer crits?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 20, 2014, 04:41:37 PM
Also...

One day for the entries. One for the crits. One for the revisions.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 20, 2014, 04:41:55 PM
So do we start off deliberately crap?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 20, 2014, 04:46:22 PM
'Premeditated' Crap, Shvon? Sounds like a bad murder-plot? Or a new thread. ha ha. B
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 20, 2014, 04:47:43 PM
So do we start off deliberately crap?

Sio, You've already proven incapable of writing crap.


No I think you submit a poem here the same as if you were offering it up otherwise. Your revision may be no revision at all if you think the reviews are shit(e).

So maybe most improved is not the best term. Maybe best application of crits. Even if that applications is to chuck them.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 20, 2014, 04:51:14 PM
Thanks for THAT, Brian  ;D

Or you could just start with one of mine, Sio.

CP, that sounds good. So we wind up with you calling it on Friday nite? I also don't see why you can't take part in the exercise, if you want. Just can't pick yourself obviously. We should each crit the other posts too.

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 20, 2014, 04:52:57 PM

Another thought - self-critting, maybe explain the changes you make...
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 20, 2014, 05:02:55 PM
Funny you added that Mark, I wanted that in, but thought it too much to ask and hard to explain, but love it. So Quick recap:

Three day contest:

Day 1 : Submit a poem of 10 lines or more in any form you choose. Make it as good as you can.

Day 2: We all review the submitted poems.

Day 3: Submit a revised version of the poem. Including a brief paragraph explaining the revisions. (if any)

I'll judge what I think is the best application of the reviews. I'll explain my choice the best I can.  It's late here so lets call the 21rst. Day one. You can of course submit sooner (looking at you Sio :) ), but Crits are not due until Thursday. Friday is for revisions.

Hope that's somewhat clear.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 20, 2014, 05:57:47 PM
A Trans-Atlantic Affair

The sky spreads large, magnanimous with its reflection
whether white or grey or blue. It rules. Even in darkness
the sense of space expands across oceans to other lands.

Where water separates, the sky unites kindred spirits,
him with his love of woodland, lakes, and wind,
she with her sea, and promontories and sand.

The same breeze blows their breathy kisses
salt-tinged, like teardrops, on spume and spray
over harbours and coves and bays far away.

Its trans-Atlantic accent carries lilt and twang
in both directions on cloud couriers that provide
a service stateside or province-wide from her to him.

The backdrop, the horizon might be reversed
and sun rises later on his patch, but she stays up
to share breakfast with him while she munches lunch.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 21, 2014, 04:22:46 AM

A Trans-Atlantic Affair
by 510bhan

The sky spreads large, magnanimous with its reflection
whether white or grey or blue. It rules. Even in darkness
the sense of space expands across oceans to other lands.

Where water separates, the sky unites kindred spirits,
him with his love of woodland, lakes, and wind,
she with her sea, and promontories and sand.

The same breeze blows their breathy kisses
salt-tinged, like teardrops, on spume and spray
over harbours and coves and bays far away.

Its trans-Atlantic accent carries lilt and twang
in both directions on cloud couriers that provide
a service stateside or province-wide from her to him.

The backdrop, the horizon might be reversed
and sun rises later on his patch, but she stays up
to share breakfast with him while she munches lunch.


First impression:
The initial presentation of the poemís layout, before reading, is balanced and pleasing to the eye.

Title:
The title is in all caps and is functional, serving to set the stage for the writing that follows.

Style:
The style is contemporary free verse with a semi-formal structure of 5 stanzas of three lines each, with the lines being of comparable lengths. The writing may be said to be GC (grammatically correct) in nature, with judicious use of punctuation in support of communication. Removal of the enjambments does not detract from the syntactical sense of the writing with the possible exception of Ls 1&2 in S3.

Content & narrative:
Thanks to the title, the reader can immediately relate to the context and setting of the opening. It describes physical volume, colour, space and dominance over a large geographical area, predominately over an ocean, the North Atlantic.
In S2 &3, the narrative advances, the word sky links to S1. Land and shores are introduced and a human element of a seperated couple/partnership is described and individualised by personal scenic/location preferences. Further description of the physical environment follows and is entwined with the human elements. The breeze segues into Ďcloud couriersí (kenning echo?) and more human individuality is added with differing national accents. The sense of apartness is there, in the timezones but reduced with sympathetic activities.

Main criticism:
IMO, the last S is most deserving of further attention. It is not of the same clear standard as the rest. There is something of a disconnect in the time frame Ė staying up late = lunchtime. It seems Ďhorizoní should be followed by a comma and the use of Ďmunchí appears flippant and out of step with the tone of the rest, although this may have been intentional.

Poetic elements:
The main strength of the poem is its skilful use of language to describe the grand scene and settings and the morphing and resonance of the environment, natural and man-made, intertwining with the couple. All of which is done seemingly without effort. The theme is clearly depicted without being overblown and the reader has no difficulty in understanding the thrust of the poem which is painted-evoked with word pictures.

Conclusion:
Overall, it is a well-written poem, original and enjoyable to read, especially considering it was composed in less than an hour.  



Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 21, 2014, 04:55:36 AM
Sentence Stress
Ian

Bound by the Gordian knot
of turns and stop light queues,
this broken maze I cross,
Sisyphus of later days.

And countless more I see, through veils
of barely controlled rage.
I do my part, sit back
fiddle with the radio
and stare ahead of me.

Crowded streets,
as clotted veins
insanely self sentenced
to the eternal commute.





Edit: simply added a title.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 21, 2014, 06:58:49 AM

Coffee break

Itís already mid morning, cold,
before the watery sun grazes
flicker-tops of the glaring pines.
Switching an old beanie for a cap's
an excuse to shed the heavy jacket too,
and go down to the house, make a roll-up,
check the dawnís coffee pot and go online
for a while, to see whatís what on MWC.
Today Iím digging, excavating a bank,
moving fill to raise the wall on a dam,
a thousand hours of muscle memory
and hydraulic power at my fingertips.
So quiet here in the mountains lonely,
a solitude without solace or redemption
a time to wonder, marvel in contemplation,
such thoughts: nights, no-one says my name. 


 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 21, 2014, 07:36:40 AM
Coffee break
by Mark T.

Itís already mid morning, cold,
before the watery sun grazes
flicker-tops of the glaring pines.
Switching an old beanie for a cap's
an excuse to shed the heavy jacket too,
and go down to the house, make a roll-up,
check the dawnís coffee pot and go online
for a while, to see whatís what on MWC.
Today Iím digging, excavating a bank,
moving fill to raise the wall on a dam,
a thousand hours of muscle memory
and hydraulic power at my fingertips.
So quiet here in the mountains lonely,
a solitude without solace or redemption
a time to wonder, marvel in contemplation,
such thoughts: nights, no-one says my name. 



First impression:

   The first reading brings on a feeling of quiet, accepted solitude, similar to that of a monk or a a hermit. The element of work increases the idea of monastic life and the natural setting contributes to this feeling.


Titile:

   The title literally defines the poem, and helps to anticipate the feeling of time suspension between waking up and getting down to do the daily chores.

Style:

   Free verse, flowing and weaving, like natural conversation with a slight injection of rhythm and word displacement (e.g. L.13) which catches the reader by surprise and leaves a pleasant poetic flavor.

Content & narrative:

  Instructed by the title, we go on to read a very personal account of the N.'s morning. His sensitivity towards the natural environment hints at English Romanticism while the more modern elements, going online etc. strike a slightly discordant but strangely pleasing note which brings us back to the here and now of modern times and technology, which has managed to reach even an apparently remote spot. The N. shows evident appreciation towards modernity by celebrating the power of the earth-moving tools at his command (L.12) which, while facilitating work and life, do not interfere with his final contemplation of the mountains and the appreciation of silence. The closing line appears to hint at a touch of melancholy, maybe the solitude is not entirely accepted?

Main criticism:

  "switching an old beanie for a cap's" although intended as an abbreviation of the verb "be" actually comes out as Saxon genitive at the end of the line.  "The dawn's coffee pot" also seems too much of a hurried expedient to avoid the clichť "morning coffee"

Poetic elements:
 
  The ongoing to-do list at the start provides a rhythm of its own which plays along the linguistic stress pattern. The poetic effect is that of moderate, acceptable complexity of the tasks to be carried out. The morning coffee seems entirely justified to get ready for the day's work. The presence of nature and the blessing of power tools compensate the N. for his toil.


Conclusion:

 The poem is enjoyable both for the way it flows and for the pleasant way it links the daily feeling of workload we all share with the consolation of nature and commodities of technology. A modern pastoral.


Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 21, 2014, 07:51:52 AM
The title led me to expect a 'writer' type poem so the traffic picture surprised me and I didn't seen the connection until the last line -- don't know if that is good or bad.

Lacking knowledge of mythology [I read Greeks and Trojans in 1st form -- long time ago] the Gordian Knot and Sisyphus mentions were difficult for me to reference the allusion.

Because of my lack of knowledge regarding S1 it was guesswork on my part to marry the ancient and modern [stop light queues]. S2 L1/2 are strong but IMO L3/4/5 are weak and jar, perhaps because of the neat flow from S1 to the beginning of S2 followed by modern contrast again in mundane expression. S3 I think is the strongest part of the poem though syntactically there might be a little confusion. I suspect the intended meaning is along the lines because of the crowded streets, as clotted veins [nice sounds and rhythm here, good balance with the consonance and the image whereby the arterial routes (roads) match the clotting/crowding] the N/the driver can't avoid the jam and being there is a contributor to it, therefore it is mad self-sentencing to the commuting process which never ends. At the moment it sounds like the clotted street are self-sentenced to the eternal commute, so perhaps a tweak or punctuation to clarify.

Sentence Stress
Ian

Bound by the Gordian knot
of turns and stop light queues,
this broken maze I cross,
Sisyphus of later days.

And countless more I see, through veils
of barely controlled rage.
I do my part, sit back
fiddle with the radio
and stare ahead of me.

Crowded streets,
as clotted veins
insanely self sentenced
to the eternal commute.







Edit: simply added a title.



I like the combination of heavy labour, reinforced by the L11 [muscle memory] and everyday tasks combining with a sense of place in the lonely mountains -- hence doing the work alone, and also how the isolation is referenced for the close of the poem giving a rueful element when there is nothing to occupy the N's time. Mountains lonely sounds odd to my ear, perhaps switch the word order. Thinking causal relationships -- not sure if switching from a beanie to a cap justifies shedding the jacket -- it's already mid-morning cold yet the N goes to check the dawn's coffee pot -- the time and the temperature and the order of events doesn't quite follow logically. Is it more that the sun has some heat now, or the body is warm from work already done from the start of the day and they haven't had a coffee since they were last down at the house at dawn? Maybe some clarification is required.

Coffee break

Itís already mid morning, cold,
before the watery sun grazes
flicker-tops of the glaring pines.
Switching an old beanie for a cap's
an excuse to shed the heavy jacket too,
and go down to the house, make a roll-up,
check the dawnís coffee pot and go online
for a while, to see whatís what on MWC.
Today Iím digging, excavating a bank,
moving fill to raise the wall on a dam,
a thousand hours of muscle memory
and hydraulic power at my fingertips.
So quiet here in the mountains lonely,
a solitude without solace or redemption
a time to wonder, marvel in contemplation,
such thoughts: nights, no-one says my name.  


 

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on May 21, 2014, 08:24:53 AM
Just popping in to say I probably won't be participating for a couple of days. Maybe longer. The EDS is giving me hard time again, so I have to focus on the highest priorities, and those only.

But... "I'll be back."

Meanwhile: Have fun!  :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 21, 2014, 09:04:55 AM
A Trans-Atlantic Affair

The sky spreads large, magnanimous with its reflection
whether white or grey or blue. It rules. Even in darkness
the sense of space expands across oceans to other lands.

Where water separates, the sky unites kindred spirits,
him with his love of woodland, lakes, and wind,
she with her sea, and promontories and sand.

The same breeze blows their breathy kisses
salt-tinged, like teardrops, on spume and spray
over harbours and coves and bays far away.

Its trans-Atlantic accent carries lilt and twang
in both directions on cloud couriers that provide
a service stateside or province-wide from her to him.

The backdrop, the horizon might be reversed
and sun rises later on his patch, but she stays up
to share breakfast with him while she munches lunch.


I like Mark's structured approach.

First Glance:

This looks like a poem. The long lines and short stanzas appeal to me and I find the layout inviting. I caught the word, "magnanimous". It would have scared me If I didn't know who wrote the poem.

The Title:

I generally look to the title after I read the poem. Not sure why. I write mine the same way. Your's is serviceable and fitting.

First Read:

I alway read a poem for sound first. You had me at the first stanza. Not surprising. You've heard it a million times here and for good reason. It's clear from the start that you are extremely conscious of the  sound throughout. Without any analysis or thought. The effect is musical and pleasing.

More on Sound:

You use almost every trick in the book and not once do they feel like tricks. Line one up to the cesura:
"The sky spreads large". Pure declaration. If this were formal analysis I'd call it double spondaic substitution. This poem is a fine example were simple scansion falls short. Sure you have four hard stacked syllables and the comma is like you'r putting your foot down. But the relative stress of the syllables turn on the central alliteration. The effect is powerful, but the technique is subtle.

I won't continue at this level of detail, but do want to stress how impressive your control of sound is. S2 is a highlight. The S and W sounds give it a wispy quality fitting the content. The opening Trochees in the second and third lines introduce your main characters in a way that to an untrained ear would seem the most natural and conversational way possible. To a trained ear, it's a model of subtly and control.

Content and Sense:

I happily admit to being more impressed by how you say what you say here than what you say. The narrative is clear all the way through. The central theme is nice. I do like the mix of geographical and accentual juxtapositions. I think the shared sky as symbol of unity across such bounds is an old one, but you pull it off with out it feeling too cliche.

General crit

I like the poem. If there is a weak point for me it is S3, but that need qualification. It sounds great, but the sound is not matched by the content particularly in the first 2 lines. Blowing breezes, breathy kisses, salt-tinged teardrops only work because of your masterful use of sound. I do like the content of the third line, but lines 1 and 2 are weak points. That said, the seamless introduction the "spray", "Bays", "Away" rhymes is impressive. On paper it should appear heavy-handed, but here in glides right in as natural as can be.

The final stanza is least impressive sonically, but is a great wrap up to the sense of the poem.

Overall:

I think it's a pleasing poem greatly written. There are a couple places where the technical brilliance is not matched by the diction.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 21, 2014, 01:02:14 PM

Sentence Stress
by Ian

Bound by the Gordian knot
of turns and stop light queues,
this broken maze I cross,
Sisyphus of later days.

And countless more I see, through veils
of barely controlled rage.
I do my part, sit back
fiddle with the radio
and stare ahead of me.

Crowded streets,
as clotted veins
insanely self sentenced
to the eternal commute.


First impression:
S2 gives the poem a slightly loose appearance but otherwise the impression is of a neat, modern-looking poem. 

Title:
Wordplay, with either accents on the written words or encapsulating the essence of the poem. The mild ambiguity doesnít detract from the interest factor at first glance.   

Style:
Free verse and a loose structure in S2 give the author elbow room to create. Punctuation is used to good effect and the POV is part observational, part internalised.   

Content and narrative:
A theme any city motorist can identify with Ė some places are worse, none are good. The references to Gordian and Sisyphean add a literary feel, provided the reader is familiar with the terms. The recurring theme that comes through is the bleak outlook, as this is not a farmer passing through town, but a commute-slave repeating the tiresome ordeal day after day. The MC is depressed, stressed at the apparent infinity of it all and suppressing road-rage impulses.     

Main criticism:
The tenor of the writing is fairly consistent and economical Ė the opening of S2 catches the eye as an area for restructuring. The line-lengths seem too short for the theme of long queues and recurring frustration. Otherwise, because of the consistency, it is all of a piece which either stands or falls.   

Poetic elements:
The literary refs mentioned, in a capped way. The general language is prosaic in tone which suits the scene. There are blips with maze, veils and veins, the poetic N hanging onto his sanity. If this was a shaped poem, it would work best as an intersection.   

Conclusion.
A good study and pleasant read. The poem has the capacity for improvement which makes it a good contender for this exercise.       




Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 21, 2014, 03:51:00 PM
Sentence Stress
Ian

Bound by the Gordian knot
of turns and stop light queues,
this broken maze I cross,
Sisyphus of later days.

And countless more I see, through veils
of barely controlled rage.
I do my part, sit back
fiddle with the radio
and stare ahead of me.

Crowded streets,
as clotted veins
insanely self sentenced
to the eternal commute.


First Glance:
Another one that looks like a poem. My eyes immediately caught "Gordian knot" and "Sisyphus", two large allusions. This gave me pause given the length of the poem. More on this later.


The Title:
The wordplay is a bit self conscious. It plays off the last stanza and I get the stress. Not a big deal.

Sound:

As stated, I always read a poem for sound first. I like yours here. S1 and S2 work almost seamlessly together. You are real strong up to "rage" from there the cadence loses a bit of momentum, but only a wee bit in the flow. There's good stuff in there, "maze, days, veils, and veins". Great placement and use of resonance to interlock the stanzas. Overall it's an extremely  pleasant sounding poem.

Content and Sense:
So, simple enough scene, well described, but, the narration loses some coherence. First the two big allusions, both are technically applicable, but one works, and one doesn't. Lets take the working one first: 'Sisyphus". I can't think of a more apt metaphor for much of modern life since at least the dawn of the industrial era. wake, work, sleep, rise, repeat. Never thought to apply it specifically to a sluggish commute, but why not? works good.

Now the "Gordian Knot". This is going to be tough to express because technically it makes some sense. I just feel it's too big for the scene. One reason I think it fails is that most historical allusions to the dilemma have more to do with the solution than to the dilemma itself. Your poems is essential all dilemma and resignation. This is a knot to be coped with and not cut. Again, technically accurate, but not effective. Hope that makes sense.

You mention "doing your part". I take that as relating to the countless others you see barely containing their rage. I think my issues here is you have all this powerful language going on: two literary/historical allusions, veils of barely concealed rage, insane, eternal, etc. and then N twiddles with the radio. I get the resignation, but resignation does not seem to be the theme of your poem. If it is, I would suggest moving the reaction to end of the poem and employing the contrast in tone ironically.

General crit

An enjoyable read. I think the theme is too small to support two such large allusions. I think a tighter focus on the Sisyphus angle and highlighted the resignation to that fate would serve the poem well.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 21, 2014, 03:54:23 PM
Seductive Sea

Seduced by the coastline,
all those years ago.
Like an older,
more experienced lover
I was lured in.

Virginal, green
touched in places
I didn't know existed.
Caressed by the waves
I dipped a toe, tested its
warmth and plunged in.

I trusted, foolish me.
Betrayed by a wave
and almost drowned.
Crystalline salt sat
on my lips.
Encrusted and sharp.
But still so sweet.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 21, 2014, 05:37:42 PM
Coffee break

Itís already mid morning, cold,
before the watery sun grazes
flicker-tops of the glaring pines.
Switching an old beanie for a cap's
an excuse to shed the heavy jacket too,
and go down to the house, make a roll-up,
check the dawnís coffee pot and go online
for a while, to see whatís what on MWC.
Today Iím digging, excavating a bank,
moving fill to raise the wall on a dam,
a thousand hours of muscle memory
and hydraulic power at my fingertips.
So quiet here in the mountains lonely,
a solitude without solace or redemption
a time to wonder, marvel in contemplation,
such thoughts: nights, no-one says my name. 


First Glance:
The shape is almost like a coffee cup with the handle point right. I wondered if it was intentional.

The Title:
Fit what the poem looked like :)

Sound:
This has the quiet sound of really well crafted prose. I can see the poetic elements in places but they feel like an undercurrent. So the poem sounds good, but it sound like good prose.

Content and Sense:

I like the scene. You do a good job letting me see it. The narrative builds to some poetic power near the middle. Right at about, "Today". The language and imagery get richer and I felt myself being carried along instead of just reading.

General crit

I liked reading it because it's well crafted writing and I enjoy what you showed me. I don't think it's an exceptionally strong poem. I think you could pair some of the opening and give it a bit more flavor.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 21, 2014, 05:51:43 PM
Seductive Sea

Seduced by the coastline,
all those years ago.
Like an older,
more experienced lover
I was lured in.

Virginal, green
touched in places
I didn't know existed.
Caressed by the waves
I dipped a toe, tested its
warmth and plunged in.

I trusted, foolish me.
Betrayed by a wave
and almost drowned.
Crystalline salt sat
on my lips.
Encrusted and sharp.
But still so sweet.

First Glance:


Thank god, it looks short! :)  (Just kidding)

It looks like a tightly arrange bit or of work. The appearance lead me to expect a tight piece.

The Title:

Fit the poem perfectly.

Sound:

Really nice use of poetic elements. Strong S sounds fit well particularly in S2. They really flow and never seem overdone for the theme. The first two lines of the poem read a bit clumsy to me. Not bad, but not as strong as the rest of the poem.

Content and Sense:

No great mysteries here and none needed. I think you handle the topic well. Some of the structure could be tightened to make it more clear for example:

"Like an older,
more experienced lover
I was lured in."

Do you really mean

"as if by an older,
more experienced lover
I was lured in." ?

I assume you do. So a little tightening.

The final stanza is really strong. I like it a lot.

General crit

I like this poem a lot. I think the sound and the subject are well suited. And I think your presentation is strong. I do think you could make it better with some tightening particularly in the earlier verses. Overall a pleasant read.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 21, 2014, 05:53:43 PM
My God, this is like a full time job :P
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 21, 2014, 06:06:45 PM
I love nature, I particularly love the sea -- so I was immediately interested by the title. Not sure I quite 'get' how being older or more experienced qualifies the luring element. As the sea is the seducer/seductress, wouldn't it be the one doing the luring to/of the N?

As S2 follows on from the N [the older experienced lover] having been lured in, who or what is virginal and green . . . [green colour or green naÔve?]? Is the sea touching places you didn't know existed on your body [strange if the N is an older, experienced lover, would have expected more self-knowledge with age]. If the N has been caressed by the waves how can they then dip a toe in to test the water for its warmth?

The logic leaps in S1 and S2 can be easily fixed. I love S3 because it doesn't cause me any bumps and works the senses well, though -- I trusted, foolish me might be better as two statements to avoid any ambiguity about who or what is being trusted. At the mo' it seems the N is trusting themselves rather than the sea.

Plenty to work on here to tighten it up and clarify the things I queried. ;)

Seductive Sea

Seduced by the coastline,
all those years ago.
Like an older,
more experienced lover
I was lured in.

Virginal, green
touched in places
I didn't know existed.
Caressed by the waves
I dipped a toe, tested its
warmth and plunged in.

I trusted, foolish me.
Betrayed by a wave
and almost drowned.
Crystalline salt sat
on my lips.
Encrusted and sharp.
But still so sweet.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 21, 2014, 08:05:26 PM
So do I explain this now? Like answer your wonderful crits? Or do I just mark them and move on? Thanks guys. B
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 21, 2014, 08:19:01 PM
All crits are due by Thursday and revisions on Friday. So I would give everyone who wants a shot at reviewing the day and then post your revised poem Friday. A little weird one, but I do see Mark's intentions at work here and like it. The reviews are deeper and more detailed.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: JewelAS53 on May 22, 2014, 01:46:14 AM
My God, this is like a full time job :P
I saw this coming, which is why I have gracefully bowed out - I don't have the time to do a proper job.

I am enjoying reading everyone's contributions, on all levels, and learning lots.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 22, 2014, 02:02:09 AM
I don't think we have to provide a critique to all entries, My supposition is that one can choose 2-3.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 22, 2014, 02:16:03 AM

I don't think we have to provide a critique to all entries, My supposition is that one can choose 2-3.

I heartily agree. Sorry guys... but we'll get through this
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 22, 2014, 07:17:13 AM


Seductive Sea
by Brian H

Seduced by the coastline,
all those years ago.
Like an older,
more experienced lover
I was lured in.

Virginal, green
touched in places
I didn't know existed.
Caressed by the waves
I dipped a toe, tested its
warmth and plunged in.

I trusted, foolish me.
Betrayed by a wave
and almost drowned.
Crystalline salt sat
on my lips.
Encrusted and sharp.
But still so sweet.

Going to provide an unstructured review and critique. The title is pleasing, alliterative and offers a clue. The sense of the writing is that of an allegory, the sea represents a member of the opposite sex and the narrative is one of exploration, discovery, disillusionment and ultimately new hope. The content is touching, honest and human without forgetting that the sea can be a cruel mistress indeed. 

The writing will benefit from restructuring. In the first S, the intent is clear but the execution is a little wobbly. Coastline should be replaced by something more sea-like Ė for the purposes of this exercise, no specific word suggestions will be made Ė and the ambiguity of who is older/experienced needs to be cleared up. Something of a rewrite is indicated, donít end the S with Ďiní.     

Seduced by the coastline,
all those years ago.
Like an older,
more experienced lover
I was lured in.

This stanza is the exploration of seduction. The sense of innocence, wonder and hesitation comes through. The N is being caressed by waves before testing the waters, which seems illogical in a linear sense. I suggest another word for places, there could be different ways of hinting at this.   
ĎI dipped a toeí seems somewhat crude within the context. Try a softer metaphor although the rest of the sentence works just fine as an almost graphic description of sexual intimacy. Be aware the Ďitsí inadvertently refers to the toe as the waves are plural, hmm? I know you meant the sea. Again, the S ends with Ďiní.

Virginal, green
touched in places
I didn't know existed.
Caressed by the waves
I dipped a toe, tested its
warmth and plunged in.

The final stanza is dense. Betrayal and disillusionment but sweetened by the gift of knowledge about what nature designed for human pleasure. You use wave again, there are several oceanic descriptions you could replace this with but I have no current suggestions. 

I trusted, foolish me.
Betrayed by a wave
and almost drowned.
Crystalline salt sat
on my lips.
Encrusted and sharp.
But still so sweet.

Itís a bittersweet poem. The progression is workmanlike but I feel that syntactical restructuring is required in a few places for clarity and some word-choices like Ďcoastlineí should be reconsidered to add new depths to the writing.


Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 22, 2014, 07:35:56 AM
A Trans-Atlantic Affair
By 510bahn

The sky spreads large, magnanimous with its reflection
whether white or grey or blue. It rules. Even in darkness
the sense of space expands across oceans to other lands.

Where water separates, the sky unites kindred spirits,
him with his love of woodland, lakes, and wind,
she with her sea, and promontories and sand.

The same breeze blows their breathy kisses
salt-tinged, like teardrops, on spume and spray
over harbours and coves and bays far away.

Its trans-Atlantic accent carries lilt and twang
in both directions on cloud couriers that provide
a service stateside or province-wide from her to him.

The backdrop, the horizon might be reversed
and sun rises later on his patch, but she stays up
to share breakfast with him while she munches lunch.


First Glance:

An immediate impression was that of a canvas being painted. Or maybe a backdrop for a play. The expression "It rules" stands out and snaps the entire poem out of the classical and into the modern.

Sound:

There is a predominant taste for alliterative sounds, sometimes powerful and resounding, in other cases subtle and yet elaborate, ("Atlantic / lilt and twang") is an example of the second group and one of my favorite lines. The intensity appears to drop a little in s3 and s4

Content and Sense:

A long-distance love, brought together by a spiritual link of nature redolent of Romantic influence. The teardrops in s3 introduce the theme of missing one's love and the suffering caused by great distance and separation which becomes reunification, at least symbolically, in s4 when the two lovers apparently share a meal despite the different time zones. "She stays up" in s4l2 introduces the theme of waiting, suggesting it's only a matter of time before the two will be reunited.

General crit

A few tweaks to tighten the loose rhythm would improve an already excellent read.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 22, 2014, 12:20:42 PM

Ian, I like how you've pared down the headings for your crit. This seems like a good format now, thanks to CP too, for the first evolution from my original headings. I'm going to find a newbie-victim on the board one of these days and run the program.  ;D   
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 22, 2014, 12:33:30 PM
I like it too. I think I'll use Ian's trunc'd version from now on. So much more helpful than "I like it, the green stuff reminds me of cabbage". Although every once in awhile you guys pull out a poem that makes me go, "Wow!" so I reserve the right to gush on occasion.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 22, 2014, 02:49:36 PM

In the meantime...


breathe

hello is a look in the eye
touching a return goodbye
when you are close nearby
sweet earth exhales the sky

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 22, 2014, 03:12:03 PM
Uh.  Revision time now right?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 22, 2014, 03:23:23 PM

uh don't know
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 22, 2014, 04:03:02 PM
I feel disadvantaged around you guys. You all have the word-power and techie-ability to break these lines down into their respective component parts. All I can offer is, "I like it." Any critique I offer is dwarfed by all of your succinct, in-depth comments. It's a humbling experience for me. I don't feel inadequate. I just wish I could express opinions in the same manner. (hope this doesn't come over like a cop-out. If it does, then I'll dig in and try one.) B 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 22, 2014, 04:32:52 PM
I feel disadvantaged around you guys. You all have the word-power and techie-ability to break these lines down into their respective component parts. All I can offer is, "I like it." Any critique I offer is dwarfed by all of your succinct, in-depth comments. It's a humbling experience for me. I don't feel inadequate. I just wish I could express opinions in the same manner. (hope this doesn't come over like a cop-out. If it does, then I'll dig in and try one.) B 

Nice try, brian but your excellent post above is your undoing - just use the headings and fill in your thoughts (kill mark t!) no, not that one. Just go for it, china. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 22, 2014, 04:38:13 PM
(mutters) "Damn uppity lil poet. Saw right through me."  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 22, 2014, 04:41:17 PM

Okay I will, if somebody hands me a big enough saw.  :D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 22, 2014, 04:46:28 PM
ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

It's a chain-saw.  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 22, 2014, 05:32:13 PM
Revisions can be submitted Friday. I know that Friday begins earlier for some of us than others, but who cares. I don't expect to see too many more crits anyway. I'm am a bit buried at work. I'll try and 'judge' everything by Sat. May have to wait till Sunday.

No chance I'll get a poem in, unless I get one of those lucky ones that drop out of the sky. I can assure if I did it would have been wonderful and needed no review anyway :)

Cool exercise.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 23, 2014, 02:21:20 AM

Coffee break

Today Iím digging, excavating a bank,
moving fill to raise the wall on a dam,
a thousand hours of muscle memory
and hydraulic power at my fingertips

Itís already mid-morning, cold,
before the watery sun glares
and flickers over the pine-tops

I need to swap my beanie for a cap,
time to shed the heavy jacket too
So I go down to the house, make a roll-up,
prod the cold coffee pot and go online
for a while, to see whatís-what on MWC

So quiet here in the lonely mountains,
solitude without solace or redemption,
a time to wonder, marvel in contemplation,
such thoughts: but nights, no-one says my name.



Okay, so what I did was clear up the time-sequence and hat confusion as noted by Sio, she was right, of course. It was even worse before my original fiddle Ė I think that may be a common problem, where one attends to a weakness but the improvement is still not enough but one lets it slide. This was originally a 4x4 but I made into one block when I saw the line lengths had a smooth end shape. Iíve put it back into stanzas but of odd sizes due to the demand of the narrative. The other thing here is that vexed question of GC punctuation. Itís an ongoing puzzle for me Ė how to use punctuation for maximum communication but still allowing some leeway for poetic form. I try to avoid 100% punctuation correctitude but often itís seen as an oversight. So anyway here I avoided a full stop until the end, the stanza breaks help with implying the full stops. Starting a new line with a capital letter can also function like this, as in:  

time to shed the heavy jacket too
So I go down to the house, make a roll-up,

So yah, punctuation games but not a bad little poem in the end, I think. In the reviews received, I thought Ian best captured the mood behind the writing but all were definitely helpful.
Interesting exercise, wonder whatís next. CP, you need to call it Friday, even if itís hasty, so we can move on.

PS had another look and moved S3 to S1. Think the sequence works better now...hope this is okay

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 23, 2014, 03:28:21 AM
Sentence Stress
Ian

Bound by the tarmac knot
of turns and stop light queues,
this broken maze I cross,
Sisyphus of later days.

And countless more I see, through veils
of barely controlled rage.
I do my share, and stare ahead.
My nervous hands mangle
the radio dials instead.

Crowded streets,
as clotted veins
insanely self sentenced
to the eternal commute.


Following your reviews, all excellent and extremely precise in their examination, I dropped the Gordian bit of the knot and converted it to tarmac, which has an even more gritty sound to it. That was CP's and Sio's point. Mark especially brought me to think of a better way to express the actions in s2. Sio and CP also noticed a drop there. 
Mark, I expressly chose short lines to make the poem proceed less smoothly and more in short, angry bursts just like in a traffic jam. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 23, 2014, 04:50:16 AM

Nice revision, Ian, flows nicely and sounds good.
I wonder if we are allowed to post our revisions as new topics and see what further feedback we get from the board as part of the exercise?

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 23, 2014, 07:03:06 AM
We'll see how Fast Bri and Sio can get back with a revision. We all know how slow a writer she is ;) and Bri's often on a tough schedule. I will say that it will be tough. I love the comments you guys have added to your revisions. The judging is superfluous so Yep, I'll get it done.

Mark, this one's all you. I think this little exercise serves as a great example of how the entire review process here can be brought up a notch.

I'll judge as soon as I can once Bri and Sio get there fixes in.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 23, 2014, 07:16:33 AM

Cool. Actually pretty busy myself too - working tomorrow as well. Now that it's done, the exercise is looking worthwhile. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 23, 2014, 12:26:13 PM
Hey, gimme a break, I'm just in from work -- been collecting dead pigeons and wrecking the till while trying to organise an MOT for my car. Shall be with you again shortly. :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 23, 2014, 12:40:00 PM
Les tweaks . . . a little bit of poetic licence for the actual time difference in the final S. S3 L1 rephrased o that breeze and breath flow into 'salt-tinged' and because I used 'share' there [rather than the same] I've massaged it out of S5 which has also lost the horizon -- don't know if that is good or bad, kept with the 'backdrop' being seen from R-L/L-R and got rid of 'munch' but have used 'cuppa' now . . . I think the final S does need a personal/intimate loose word to convey the comfort found despite the distance. Lost 'that provide' and opted for providing to echo the 'ng' in 'twang'. JMO :-\

A Trans-Atlantic Affair

The sky spreads large, magnanimous with its reflection
whether white or grey or blue. It rules. Even in darkness
the sense of space expands across oceans to other lands.

Where water separates, the sky unites kindred spirits,
him with his love of woodland, lakes, and wind,
she with her sea, and promontories and sand.

Kisses blown with warm breath share a breeze,
salt-tinged, like teardrops, on spume and spray
over harbours and coves and bays far away.

Its trans-Atlantic accent carries lilt and twang
both directions, on cloud couriers providing
a service stateside or province-wide from her to him.

The backdrop, viewed either side, might be reversed
and though sun rises later on his patch, she stays up
to breakfast with him while sipping a bedtime cuppa.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 23, 2014, 04:44:19 PM

Hi Sio, even better now, extra flow. What's your opinion, in terms of your/general tweaking, of the utility of this exercise... regardless of who CP gives the winning nod to you... I nominate yourself for the next exercise... I can do brutal or subtle hijacks, ha ha
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 23, 2014, 05:16:02 PM
I am a complete dork -- I write intuitively without any learned understanding about trochees, spandex, acid -- whatever. I know my sounds are reasonably strong, but I think that's because I sing and also because of where I'm from, so I have an ear for it. Storylines -- sometimes I hit on a good idea and am lucky enough to present it with some originality, very hit and miss, and as I regard myself as a prose writer I don't stress about my poems too much.

I loved the feedback, couldn't have seen those things myself if they hadn't been pointed out and I always welcome fiddles, tweaks, stanza rearrangements as I am totally clueless beyond grammar and punctuation. For me poetry is a fun thing to do so I doubt I would never labour over a piece. If it doesn't behave within the first two or three clean-ups/revisions, hell, I'll write another one.

I am constantly surprised by positive reactions to some of the poems I write and people reading into them things I didn't overtly intend but with a little distance, and reading it as if it's not mine, I can see why sometimes people get certain meanings or find layers of which I was unaware.

I think it definitely takes other eyes to help you see what it is you are trying to say. Once it's out there you don't own it any more, so it has to have some sort of reader appeal. Even though poetry, as prose, is terribly subjective, there are certain things which need to be considered for it to even get a desultory 'meh' of appreciation if the reader doesn't like the theme or the style. If the concept is too loose or too personal to the poet -- often the poem is disregarded. Just the way it is . . . everyone has different taste. But for me, a poem needs to sound good, not just read well or be provocative and mind-blowing -- a stinky fart or some bad whiskey can achieve the same effect. :o
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 23, 2014, 05:28:52 PM

Still chuckling... thanks for that honest statement, sorry for the ragging but you know... I like what you've done here, expressing a personal philosophy of poetry writing, perhaps as an extension of this latest exercise... I'd like to hear the other participants' expressions - CP Ian and Bri - I found this useful in considering a poetic identity, so to speak; hell, we all have our reasons for writing, right?       
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 23, 2014, 05:33:36 PM
You're only chuckling because you started thinking about chicks in Spandex -- or  maybe wrestlers, I dunno . . .  ::)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 23, 2014, 05:35:37 PM

again ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 23, 2014, 06:27:11 PM
I'm going to go with Ian. I think he did an excellent job applying the feedback and as importantly sticking to his guns in spots where his instincts told him different. I think he took a good poem and made it very good.

Sio, get's a strong honorable mention here. She had likely the strongest starting poem. Her revision is an improvement, but I'm not clear on how much of that was based on the crits and how much on her own editorial prowess.

Mark, I kind of liked the original better than the revision. This is so damn subjective, but there you have it.

Bri, sorry I know I mentioned you having a day more.

I think this has been extremely valuable and everyone should read through whether they took part or not.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 23, 2014, 07:38:38 PM

A personal thank you to each participant:

Sio,

Thanks so much for explanation. I've read enough of your crits to know for a fact that you might write intuitively, but you clearly know what sounds work and why. Knowing the jargon without that is worthless. The jargon was created to help others understand what you already know.

I'm not a story-teller and I'm not a visual person. Most of my stuff, util coming here has been emotional/personal, or religious/philosophical. To be exposed to writers like you and the others has been worth at least as much as every book I've ever read. I've read a lot. The personal insight into the process is a rare treat. You guys can describe a piece of fruit and make it a poem. To me it has to be the fall of man, or I'm dumbstruck. I have just enough skill to recognize the power in others and then occasionally express my appreciation.

I have always trusted my ear, but you, you are a marvel. This is not empty flattery. you get the praise you do, the old fashioned way, you earn it. I've written maybe 3 successful poems in my life. You just spit them out.

Mark,

You're another one that makes it all look so easy. You're ability to set and control tone amazes me. You're not as musical as Sio, but who is? Your mastery of both subject and sound is evident in every poem, even ones that don't connect to me. All of your poems reflect a powerful intellect and an honestly spiritual human being, not your wannabe BS, but the real deal. You also seem more than comfortable letting loose and I enjoy those poems immensely.

Bri,

I've told you this before, but I think you may be one of the most natural storytellers of the bunch. Your poetry has progressed a lot from all of it I've read and I've gone back quit a ways into before my joining. I flat out love your prose. I do think you still need to work on the mechanics, but you're clearly doing that. But man, when you hit a groove! 

I love your sense of humor even though I think you hide behind it a bit. Your honesty is refreshing and I'm glad to know you.

Ian,

Your new. Funny coming from me, but I got here first so, "na". You clearly know how to write. I share your love of linguistics and look forward to future discussions. You know what you're about and it comes through.

I think occasionally you don't give the reader enough credit. You stomp where a tap would suffice. I was hard on a couple of your entries. I did it because I think you're too good to waste time reading a soft-peddled bullshit review. So if it looks like I'm being a dick, It's out of respect.

MWC,

There are several others I would address directly, but you did not participate in this rough exercise. I mentioned in a post of Biola's that I am a richer person for being here. I meant and mean it. I imagine over the course of time I'll be able to express that gratitude I feel directly to each of you.

I've essentially hidden away for 20+ years. This January was the first time writing again in about that long. I got lucky finding this site. And am grateful you guys overlooked my early fits. I do want to thank Tom directly for talking me off the ledge.

Sorry for the sappiness. It's been a very rough week and coming here made it more tolerable. :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 24, 2014, 04:09:47 AM
Oh. I am so not worthy, thank you!  Yay for me then. 

Ok my turn to set the challenge. Easy peasy:

Take this (intentionally) awful poem of mine as inspiration and turn it into something decent. The prize goes to who can make the most out of it.  You are not required to use any of the words used by me but your work must be clearly inspired by mine. 


Flower

Firework of color
in slow motion, earth star.
Miniature splendor
in my garden not so far

Water's all you want
And plenty I've got
As long as you don't wilt
I shall pick you not.

Yeccch.


Reviews as revisions as per Mark's idea.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 24, 2014, 04:15:39 AM
Seductive Sea

Seduced by the seaside,
all those years ago.
Like an older,
more experienced lover
She lured me in.

Virginal, green-
touched in places
I didn't know existed.
Dipping a toe,
I tested the
water then stepped in.

I trusted. Foolish boy.
Betrayed by a wave
overwhelmed,
almost drowned.
Crystalline salt sat-
on my lips.
Encrusted and sharp.
But still so sweet.


As a boy living by the seaside. I felt embarrassed that I couldn't swim. All my friends could, and did. They swam like fish (sorry). On this particular day, the sun was blazing, the sea was hot, there was no-one about. And there was a huge sleeper (wooden rail tie) lying a few yards off-shore. I thought wouldn't it be great if 'the lads' came down to the shore and saw me lying on the sleeper, after swimming out to it myself? So I did it. I went in. I was absolutely shittin' myself. Up till then I'd been afraid to try (and fail) at swimming. But I knew I was also missing out on a lot of fun, standing on the shore watching everyone else playing in the water. I dipped a toe, then the rest of me in. It was make or break for me when I reached neck depth. The water was calm, with only tiny wave-lets. So I lunged, took a couple of hasty swim-strokes, and got my hands on the sleeper. I pulled myself up and on it. I lay for a while, looking up into the sky. Congratulating myself for a job 'finally' done. After a couple of minutes, I decided to get up and sit on the sleeper, so I could attempt to look nonchalant when the guys eventually showed up.

!!!!

I was about twenty yards from the shore!
 
I didn't panic.
(really? I seem to remember you crying?)

Ok. I did cry a little. (hell, I was eight).

I slowly turned and eased myself off the log. Now I was clinging on with my hands gripping the wood, took a deep breath then went down to see how deep the water was.
As soon as I let go, I touched bottom.
Dammit. It was only a little above my head, but still enough to drown my sorry ass.
I shot back to the surface (how can you shoot back to the surface? You were only one maybe two inches from it?) (Cos I'm STILL only eight, goddamit!)
Under water swimming, I was good at. It was only 'on-top-of-the-water-swimming' I had to master.
I clung to the side of the wood and worked out what I was gonna do, and how I was gonna do it.
Bring legs up, plant feet on the wood. Push off and with the surge, float back to the shore. 'easy-peasy.
So that's what I did.
Only unbeknownst to me, a big Passenger Ferry had just left the Tyne, and the wake of its passing, created huge waves. The first of them hit me as I pushed off from the log. It washed over me and filled my mouth and nose with water. Now I DID panic. I took a huge breath in and 'sucked seawater.'

Ten seconds can seem like an eternity when you really look at it. I thought I was gonna die. For the briefest second I almost let it happen. All the problems I'd faced up till then would disappear, all I had to do was take another breath and it would be all over. But no. I realised I wanted to live.

Innit funny? I had a pivotal moment which usually happens in later life. I had my first at eight years old.
So even though my lungs were half full of sea water, I knew if I held it together and didn't try to cough it up for a moment longer, I could reach the beach, and save myself. So that's what I did.

I used this experience, and learning to swim, together to try to get across to you all, the feeling of betrayal and over-confidence we experience in life. How we gingerly 'test-the-water' before experiencing the fullness of what we do. We either have a good time or it explodes in our faces.
That you (Mark) saw it as something to do with sexual awakening and experience, intrigued me. As later in life (as a typical feller) I too was fascinated by 'the other.'  ;D

I do hope this thread continues. I really have enjoyed it. LOVE the in-depth crits. They seem more personal. An eclectic mix of like-minded individuals swapping tales and stories in poetic endeavours, appeals very much to me. I love you all (with a little L) Bri.

(I can do a belated crit of selected poems this weekend, if you wish) B


Btw, Cp. You really do know how to complement a guy don'cha? I filled up reading your comment. Thank you so much my friend. (that L's getting bigger)  ;D    
 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 24, 2014, 07:11:18 AM
Cool beans, as Skip would say. :)

You're a survivor, Bri' . . . and always will be. That's why you get to shrug so much crap off your shoulders, it's known you can. ;)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 24, 2014, 07:56:49 AM
Thanks Shvon. You know me so well. xbx
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 24, 2014, 01:49:14 PM

Congrats and well done, Ian. Think I might just skip the revision format this time around, though.

CP, regarding your thank you post I appreciate the compliments although I think you give me too much credit as both a poet and a person. ::) Iím glad youíve found a home for your writing here Ė RMP and the other poets have been a refuge for me these past eight months of solitude.
Tom was instrumental in drawing me back to MWC after several months layoff. He sent me a PM innocently asking where I'd been - this was just after Lee's death - and so I started writing and posting reality poetry in the midst of my personal torment, and that process of normal interaction with the other poets here has been - and still is -a salvation I probably don't deserve but gratefully accept. So thank you all.   

 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 24, 2014, 02:19:00 PM
I'm afraid, Cp and Mark, we're keeping you. So you have no choice in the matter. heh heh.

Marc, I don't remember you pissing people off? When did that happen? I musta missed it. B
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 24, 2014, 02:54:05 PM
I'm afraid, Cp and Mark, we're keeping you. So you have no choice in the matter. heh heh.

Does this mean I can go back to being an assholian again?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 24, 2014, 03:06:49 PM
Does this mean I can go back to being an assholian again?

Only if you can maintain a poetic stance, cos then it'll be art. Anything else and you'll just be an ass. ha ha. B  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 25, 2014, 03:07:41 AM
Oh. I am so not worthy, thank you!  Yay for me then. 

Ok my turn to set the challenge. Easy peasy:

Take this (intentionally) awful poem of mine as inspiration and turn it into something decent. The prize goes to who can make the most out of it.  You are not required to use any of the words used by me but your work must be clearly inspired by mine. 


Flower

Firework of color
in slow motion, earth star.
Miniature splendor
in my garden not so far

Water's all you want
And plenty I've got
As long as you don't wilt
I shall pick you not.

Yeccch.


Reviews as revisions as per Mark's idea.


Deadline: Monday evening.  Have a lovely Sunday.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 25, 2014, 03:08:54 AM
Deadline: Monday evening.  Have a lovely Sunday.

This looks like a tough one.  :D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on May 25, 2014, 12:24:52 PM
I don't play the review game the way the others do because I don't have the skills, but I'm happy to twiddle and fiddle with the words. :-[
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on May 25, 2014, 04:44:19 PM

Yah, like a revision type exercise once a month, maybe.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 25, 2014, 04:48:58 PM
Ok so just the poem thingy.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on May 25, 2014, 05:04:15 PM
Sorry Ian. I'm out of this one. I'm using my hols to 'garden,' and work on part 2 of my story on the boards, 'Stevie Patta'. Have a read of it. You may like it. Bri.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on May 26, 2014, 02:28:34 PM
Time's up!

And the best poem is...

Mine?

So I win.  Ok. Next exercise is, er...  What if we take a break?


Bri,  looking forward to reading that.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on May 26, 2014, 02:36:53 PM
Very sorry Ian. Insane several days. No time for much.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on June 03, 2014, 04:08:53 PM
Ok break's over.  My turn to lauch the next round.


Anyone up for a one-off challenge?

First four respondents only... each to post a picture here that has some personal meaning, nothing earth-shattering, and then to choose another's picture, book it, and then write and post a poem in any style about the other picture. All on a first-poster first-taker basis till all poems are posted. Take the time you need over writing. Then, all done, the picture owner describes, in verse or paragraph, the personal significance of the picture Ė surely  unguessable Ė and then we can compare that with the intrepretation for the fun of it. Clear enough?

The best entry should win though. I'm setting this exercise so my other rule is I'm going to find a judge to call the winner. First name proposed in the next post gets PM'd by me to call the winner. Sensible choices, please... and no previous poetry exercisers.

Judging criteria are merits of photo posted, composition of interpretive poem and elucidation of picture.

This is also the Door to Poetry book award round sponsored by Mark T.

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on June 03, 2014, 04:14:02 PM

TOM 10
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on June 04, 2014, 09:45:23 AM
Tom has graciously declined my offer via PM. Next?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on June 04, 2014, 10:51:57 AM
Well, here's my picture, let's see how that goes. Next nomination for judge is... duck.

(Click on pic to enlarge)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on September 12, 2014, 05:18:12 PM


Looking for 4-12 line any-style efforts on the topics of sex or drugs or music (or all three for the multi-taskers ;)). The word 'contortion' should appear somewhere in the piece.  
 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on September 12, 2014, 07:04:05 PM
Contortion, contrition for your sins
yes -- all that sex 'n' drugs 'n' rock 'n' roll
such amoral entertainments you entertain
on weekends, at work or on the can.
Hail Mary and Holy Moley, Jeez -- do it
while doing ten laps of the rosary
followed by three tumbling Glory Bes
self-flagellation essential
for all novitiates and potential candidates.
God likes a laugh, a good guffaw
to prove he understands humans
and their intrinsic flaws,
unless you're like CP and enjoy debate instead. ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on September 12, 2014, 07:24:27 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

Looks like I'll have to reset the invisible mousetrap on your keyboard, o' flying fingers. Nice one, Sio.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on September 12, 2014, 07:25:33 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on September 12, 2014, 07:44:43 PM
to peak
at the
crescendo
can cause
one to
climax
without undo contortions.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: bri h on September 12, 2014, 08:32:08 PM
Contortions cause distortions to the body,
while sex, and drugs and rock n roll,
cause distortions to the mind,
body and soul.



Edited so it becomes four lines. Happy now M?  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on September 13, 2014, 02:36:12 AM
My tally with drugs
is jolly legit

for they're all prescription you see.

but if we talk sex
or sweet Rock 'n' Roll

I fear I quite often o.d.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on September 13, 2014, 07:32:42 AM

Alright, let's see...

Sio, sex, drugs & rock 'n roll on the can...? No shit, are we talking Elvis here or what?

Cornelius "kama sutra" Poe, I hear lotus blossoms and smell a sitar. Undue?

Brian... what happened to the other line? Oh, you schnarfed it?

Ian - you see what Big Pharma and too much sex does... you left out the main word.

Anyone else wanna contribute? All welcome. The way it works, as the exercise-setter I'll pick a winner tonight-ish and then that person gets to set the next exercise, and so on until we get tired of it.  


Contortion

Born on a mountain
raised in a cave
fucking to music while high
makes her my slave
  
 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on September 13, 2014, 12:19:24 PM

Heading out soon. Sio, you are the winner. Thanks to all for participating. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on September 13, 2014, 12:32:28 PM
Okay . . .  thank you

New challenge . . .

3 - 16 lines - alternate lines having hard syllable consonance or alliteration and matching-vowel assonance [either long or short but not mixed in the same line]

So, quick example . . .

She said I shouldn't sob so,
why lie even though I cry, <<< long vowel sounds
don't dead men's tears taste
of salt and anger <<< short vowel sounds
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on September 13, 2014, 06:33:55 PM

Aww Sio, you know I'm syllablexic, right? Cruel, cruel world.   
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on September 13, 2014, 06:39:54 PM
You'll be grand -- just the sounds not the stress/beat asked for here. ;)


Nice try --no cigar!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on September 13, 2014, 06:42:48 PM

Three-line alliteration sandwich coming up later. Pillowtime.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 08, 2016, 02:54:53 PM

Alright poets, here's today's exercise to distract you while the drums of war beat ever louder in the background. Can you believe this shit that's going down? Now Turkey and Saudi Arabia are getting nready to invade Syria in the name of attacking IS. Ha ha, Monty Python couldn't make this stuff up. Goddam Luciferian pencil-neck kings and their minions trying to take over the planet... again. What a crock. But I digress...

So today's creative exercise is a tribute to Vogon poetry. Which is bad poetry. This is where the worst poem is the best poem. For example, I want cliches, tired words, capitalisation, yodaspeak rhymes, xmas tree shapes, contorted syntax, bad grammar, and a general fucking mess. But in a classy way.  ;D  Be earnest in a nervous newbie sort of way, hm? The theme is heartbreak and revenge. ;D All welcome. Post in this thread. I'll pick a winner... and i have a twist in the backside tail up my mixed metaphor sleeveless, uh something garmnet sartorial, er -         
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 08, 2016, 03:19:45 PM
Ok get ready to gnaw off your own limbs.


Ah! Lawniferous springtime!
How doth thine effluvious humors inspire rhyme,
As still somnolent dronings of buzzing drones
Far from the madding madmen and the other ones
I contemplate thine succulent blossom
And wallow like a geil Opossum


Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 08, 2016, 03:23:48 PM

 ;D ;D ;D  Great!

Ian, where the fuck have you been? Do you only show up here for this tired old thread? 'skidding, how you been?

PS Heartbreak? Revenge? eish...

 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 08, 2016, 03:25:45 PM
Been writing ol' chap.  Got one big book out and now taking a break as I wind up for the next.  Also been lurking in this thread for nearly two years waiting for you to revive it. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 08, 2016, 03:30:03 PM

That's cool, man. Well done on completing the MS. Have a beer. You still in Italy? 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on February 08, 2016, 03:32:22 PM
This
      That
          Then what?
Slow starts & weak ends,
                 split from a spool
             of fool's
          gold
dig it?

I eyed a guy and then he died...

Two old men enter a bar and one man leaves it.
His coat is saffron and silk,
and stained with blood.

Yesterday is Saturday's tomorrow,
keep thinking about it.

No need for sorrow,
                        surelyó
                            Tuesdays, but a day away.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on February 08, 2016, 03:32:44 PM
PS: Good to see you, Ian. :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 08, 2016, 03:34:03 PM

Thanks Marc ... but c'mon you can do worse than
                                                                    that
                                                                            ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 08, 2016, 03:35:14 PM
Hey CP

Awful work, congrats!

Yup still in Italy.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on February 08, 2016, 03:39:45 PM
Through the eyes of a blackbird
and the ears of a owl
comes the calling of winter
and the leaving of fowl.
They've all headed southward
a squeak and a squawk
leaving green and white drops
on the street where I walk.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 08, 2016, 03:42:12 PM
C'mon, stick to the theme...

Example


My manly heart is like a icecycle
you let it frozen when you left
me for a lezbian. Now I'm you
will stab with my iceprick
before it melt a puddle.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 08, 2016, 03:43:19 PM


Very bad, Marcus but in a nice way. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 08, 2016, 03:43:58 PM
That was almost decent guys.  I'm starting to believe you're such good poets your incapable of really stinking.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 08, 2016, 03:47:34 PM

I know... CP's scary that way. And i see I got that slanty thing going on without actually trying. Which scares me a little. Next, please. 'scuse me, I gotta go unpack my tools from my van before some meth addict
tries to steal them.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on February 08, 2016, 03:53:25 PM
Dos't thou doubtest mine smell?
Am I less than a man?
If cut, do I not spout crimson?

BEHOLD, there is a shadow in the distance...
The sun is but a blotted dot, invisible
Eclipsed as if by magic
and silvery slice of a slivered moon.

BEAMs bend to point of
 b

r  
   e a

k

ing.



I AM.


                    No More!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 08, 2016, 03:57:26 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

That's much worse! Well done!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 08, 2016, 04:01:29 PM

The shards of my soul echo on wings
like an eagle with swooping lips
which kisses azure sunsets.
I hope you step in crap.
 

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on February 08, 2016, 04:03:45 PM
Your hot words
cut my heart
like the edge of a
cold razor.

My sad soul bleeds
tiny beads of doubt.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 08, 2016, 04:05:31 PM

Aha! Now we're getting gooder at bad. I like it muchly.

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 08, 2016, 04:13:59 PM

Oh my husband, why, why did you leave me so alone
I am lamenting the day I hired a skinny blonde
housekeeper with big tits and puffy lips.
She came to dust but instead stole
your lust and broke my trust.
Oh woe is me, what now
must I do to you to
undo this blue
and be true?   
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on February 08, 2016, 04:27:54 PM
The sky cries cold drops
in the crimson dawn.
A lone eagle sores above
prey birds murmuring
like the dog-eared pages
of an ancient book.

He would read the sky red,
rending with beak and claw
unfortunate flesh.

A single feather
drifts down cradled,
pillowed on the morning's
wet and mournful air.


Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 08, 2016, 04:40:39 PM

He would read the sky red,
rending with beak and claw
unfortunate flesh.

I like ^^ for its weakness but be careful with the rest, it's erring toward the good, quite good in fact.  ::)

Alright Marc, let's take five till tomorrow and we'll see what other postnasal drips get dropped here. Still part 2 to come. Thanks to you and Ian.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 08, 2016, 04:50:03 PM
Ok I take back what I said before on you two being too good. Those REEKED!

Amidst a startling Avalanche of STANK
I
Alone and befuddled by the rank and foul
FURY
Of the senses. As a man with a
MISSION, I
Waft mine arms as a newborn fowl, and
FLEE
Mine own rogue emission.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 08, 2016, 04:55:23 PM

Rogue emission! Oh boy... that was exceptionally bad, Ian.  ;D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 08, 2016, 04:58:36 PM
This is a brought-forward to explain what's been happening here. Bad poems.   

Alright poets, here's today's exercise to distract you while the drums of war beat ever louder in the background. Can you believe this shit that's going down? Now Turkey and Saudi Arabia are getting nready to invade Syria in the name of attacking IS. Ha ha, Monty Python couldn't make this stuff up. Goddam Luciferian pencil-neck kings and their minions trying to take over the planet... again. What a crock. But I digress...

So today's creative exercise is a tribute to Vogon poetry. Which is bad poetry. This is where the worst poem is the best poem. For example, I want cliches, tired words, capitalisation, yodaspeak rhymes, xmas tree shapes, contorted syntax, bad grammar, and a general fucking mess. But in a classy way.  ;D  Be earnest in a nervous newbie sort of way, hm? The theme is heartbreak and revenge. ;D All welcome. Post in this thread. I'll pick a winner... and i have a twist in the backside tail up my mixed metaphor sleeveless, uh something garmnet sartorial, er -         
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on February 08, 2016, 05:41:12 PM
But I loved him, like he loved me,
lovers became we, all three
of us in a menage a trois
a triangle of tortured emotions
like a roiling ocean
with Neptune's trident
replacing Satan's instrument.
Each prod from the lightning pronged rod
made us bleed, incarnadine turned the sea
and so you left me and without thee
I am cast adrift this salty surf
sobbing to match the lachrymose spray
but nothing can wipe my tears away
darling.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: kateD on February 08, 2016, 05:47:43 PM
I don't know when my skin
took issue with muscle and fascia tissue,
separated and headed south.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 09, 2016, 03:44:05 PM


Hello ladies. Sio I believe that's the closest interpretation of the brief - good shit job.  ;D
Kate, I'm having to stretch a little to find heartbreak (okay maybe) and revenge (don't do it) in yours which is a fine bad poem btw although a little long. 

O-kay, so now for part 2, I need to choose one of the poems and then we all have to redo it, making it as good as it can be. Seriously. Need to fix it but without departing too much from the original, sort of balance. This is the exercise thread, right?

I don't feel like choosing, so whichever participant sees this and responds first by pasting their selected rubbish poem, well, they get to choose the poem, duh. And then we have until, say, Friday to post the fixer-upper versions of it. Then we'll figure out a way to choose a winner of the exercise. Okay?
So rattle those ICBMs - I mean, start writing.





 

 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 09, 2016, 04:49:03 PM


Ah! Lawniferous springtime!
How doth thine effluvious humors inspire rhyme,
As still somnolent dronings of buzzing drones
Far from the madding madmen and the other ones
I contemplate thine succulent blossom
And wallow like a geil Opossum


Be glad I didn't post the rogue emission one
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 10, 2016, 01:04:49 AM

Okay thanks Ian. So just to be clear, we now take the above poem and rework it to make it as good as possible while still remaining recognizable. That includes you too, Ian. By Friday.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: kateD on February 10, 2016, 08:25:27 AM
Yikes!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on February 10, 2016, 01:31:07 PM
I hear the grass grow,
time to mow again
now Spring is here.
Along the borders,
past bees, drones,
buzzing, humming,
sucking blossom,
and the lawn springs
back from the rotor
like a sudden thought
or inspirational muse.
The lines lose shape
are no longer straight
but short and sweet
as the first cut,
the aftermath, scents
the fenced enclosure
and at a glance
it passes for neat. :-[


Ah! Lawniferous springtime!
How doth thine effluvious humors inspire rhyme,
As still somnolent dronings of buzzing drones
Far from the madding madmen and the other ones
I contemplate thine succulent blossom
And wallow like a geil Opossum
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 11, 2016, 12:35:31 AM

Good job, Sio. Thank you.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 11, 2016, 12:50:31 AM
Good one. 

I'll wait and see what others do before I clean up my own mess.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on February 11, 2016, 04:04:52 AM
I am transfixed by thoughts of spring
and bumble bee visions;
Somnolent scents and soundsó
Tall grass and fragrant flowers,
the dawnís cool air
tenanted by flecks of pollen
catching the sun.

In a honeyed dream
of black and yellow
workers drift and drone
between stamen and pistiló
Fresh life born on their wings.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 11, 2016, 07:32:58 AM

Gee, that's really well done.  :)

Is it born or borne?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on February 11, 2016, 07:37:42 AM
both :P
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 11, 2016, 07:45:37 AM

Of course.  :D
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on February 11, 2016, 11:36:40 AM
I like this a lot Marc, a handful of words that paint a clear picture of Spring.  A time I'm so looking forward to seeing once again.

Don't normally see many bumble bees around here, occasional some honey bees though.  ;)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 11, 2016, 03:52:09 PM


As hesitant spring gathers itself
for another verdant season of days,
cool fragrances and creation overflow
with flights of nectar and imagination.
In the absence of insanityís vacuum,
I see Art delicately painted on petals  
in glades content with liquid birdsong.

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 11, 2016, 04:00:07 PM

Okay, just Kate left then... I'm away to the mountains this weekend so I'll PM someone to nominate the most successful submission in my stead. That poet then gets to set another exercise... or not, as the inclination may fall.     
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: kateD on February 11, 2016, 04:09:00 PM
Well, you can tell by my other submission, I can't follow directions.  ::) I didn't know those who commented committed. Let me get to work straight away...........
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 11, 2016, 04:11:14 PM
I claim the right to have a go at my own disastrous work after everyone else. Will attempt by tomorrow at midnight.  

Have a nice one Mark.  
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: kateD on February 11, 2016, 04:29:43 PM
Here's my stab at it:

Gazing through windows past winter
remembering the fragrance
of fresh-cut flowers on the patio
and the drone of bees euphoric
in their endless endeavors,
I am the young marsupial
being called forth from darkness
into the newness of spring.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 12, 2016, 12:49:45 AM

Good job, Kate. No, it's not compulsory but notification of non-participation in triplicate is a requirement.  :D

Thanks Ian, just a quick look... catch the rest of this Monday.
 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 13, 2016, 03:54:38 AM
Ok. Sorry I'm late, real life foo in the way.

The newborn green
from winter's claws released
awakens insect life which comes
droning to its summon

My mind then stirs
as if by kindred sense
and buzzes through the air with glee
forgetting human nature.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: CorneliusPoe on February 15, 2016, 08:53:43 AM
I'm calling Kate the winner on this one. Not an easy call, but the opening line cinched it. Great effort all and fun exercise, Mark. Amazing what it produced.

Your turn Kate. :)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 15, 2016, 03:44:17 PM

Thanks for adjudicating, Marc.   :)

It was interesting - one never knows how these exercises will turn out. Let's see if Kate comes with anything.



Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: kateD on February 15, 2016, 05:35:48 PM
Oh, you guys just threw me a bone because I included the opossum.  ;D

Going back to the original post, looking for clues, I find no guidance here. Any parameters for the exercise?

K
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 15, 2016, 05:51:55 PM

no parameters, few rules, make it up as you see fit - the idea though is to challenge and improve writing skills in interesting ways. You don't have to participate by posting anything because you can't win but sometimes the host does so anyway just to play along. When you consider the exercise complete you select the best effort and that person then gets the fun/chore of devising the next exercise. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: kateD on February 15, 2016, 07:03:54 PM
OK, this is kind of weird, and who knows how it popped into my head, but here it is:

You inherited a house that came with a cat. Auntie Now-Dead left instructions that the cat came with your "new" inherited house and was NOT to be taken to a shelter or euthanized, but supplied a good home. Before long, the cat is unbearable. The cat comes and goes at all hours, is prone to biting company, sprays the insides and outsides of the structure, moans at night, raids the kitchen, etc.

You read Auntie Now-Dead's will and realize that there is no mention of moving the cat to a new (good) home. You decide to write a "free-to-a-good-home" ad in the classifieds. Your conscience doesn't want to lie outright, so you must write an ad that explains this cat's despicable characteristics as charmingly as possible. It's an artsy town and poetics will go far.

Write a charming poem about this "highly desirable" cat in no more than 75 words (classifieds cost per word!). "Poem" is a subjective term. It can rhyme or not, be metered or not, short line breaks or not, but you must sort of accurately describe its nature.

It seems 24 hours turn-around is the norm, so at 7 p.m. EST tomorrow, Tuesday, I will read them and declare the best IMHO. Meeeeowww!!!!!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 16, 2016, 12:28:52 AM

Free Pussy

This one will purr
as you stroke its fur
It will nibble and bite
you in delight
as it moans in the night
Best of all, when you're done,
it'll go and raid the kitchen.   

Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on February 16, 2016, 05:32:25 AM
Nice challenge, Kate. Count me in. Got my first draft going already. Fun, fun!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: cmb on February 16, 2016, 07:26:03 AM
Virile Ginger

attractive and strong
who loves the outdoors
offers free love bites and
daily kitchen cleanup
in return for a place
in front of your hearth
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 16, 2016, 11:06:08 AM
Do you lust for adventure
but lack enough courage?
Would you wrestle wild creatures
if your guts could endure it?
Then call me, don't worry
Not a shoulder to cry on
I'll gladly donate you
this miniature lion.


Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on February 16, 2016, 11:08:14 AM
Free to a Good Home

A cat
independent
free feline caterwauler
ideal as home security
territory marked
'mine'
can be yours,
gratis.
Thank you.
Miaow.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: kateD on February 16, 2016, 07:22:00 PM
Gosh, these are all so good, I can hardly decide (I mean, free pussy, c'mon!). But something tugged at me with the "miniature lion," so Ian takes the prize. Congrats! Looking for a new exercise post!

K
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 17, 2016, 12:36:25 AM

Nice one, Kate.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 17, 2016, 12:38:08 AM
Yay!  Ok busy day today but I should be able to get to the new challenge in the afternoon.  Meow!
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 17, 2016, 12:43:08 AM

Pussy  ;D

Looking forward to your exercise, Ian.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 18, 2016, 01:04:47 PM
Ok. Took me a bit to think it up but here it is:

In the tradition of graveyard poetry present us with a sad, melancholy epitaph of someone who died in a really stupid, hilarious way.  Try to keep a straight poetic face all the way through. 
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: kateD on February 18, 2016, 02:56:24 PM
deadline?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 18, 2016, 03:15:07 PM
Seven days. So the 25th.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 18, 2016, 03:27:37 PM

Here's a helpful link  ;D

http://www.darwinawards.com/

Seven days?
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 26, 2016, 06:37:24 AM
hmm looks like seven days weren't enough.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: 510bhan on February 26, 2016, 07:23:28 AM
I think everyone was busy contributing to #133. ;)
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: kateD on February 26, 2016, 08:35:09 AM
hmm looks like seven days weren't enough.

I tried and found the prompt too difficult. Making a serious epitaph for a hilarious cause of death was too much at odds with each other.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on February 26, 2016, 04:12:29 PM

Nah, I think we all just forgot about it. Ian, why don't you nominate someone to set the next exercise, if you want to carry on.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: lan on February 26, 2016, 04:14:21 PM
Well in this case I nominate CP.
Title: Re: Poetry exercise, anyone? (profanity)
Post by: Mark T on October 08, 2016, 07:25:22 PM

And... this is the original post sporting a date-stamp retread... let's see if anyone's still awake ... hey, forget about global implosions and explosions, escapism over here --


Todayís exercise requires the composition of a 12 line poem in three stanzas.
The rhyme scheme is abcd Ė abcd Ė efgg. The good news is that no end-line rhymes are allowed, only internal rhyme somewhere in the line. (I suppose one can put a rhyming word at a lineís end provided the rhyming partner is internal.) Meter is optional. 

The following words must be used somewhere in the poem. Create your own title. 

Blue
Waiting
Stab
Eyes
Fire
Regret/s

Post in this thread. No personal edits allowed once posted. General crits and comments are encouraged. Iíll pick the poem I like most and that person can set the next exercise.
Deadline is 24 hours from the time of this post.
Deal?