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The Coffee Shop => The Gallery => Topic started by: Skip Slocum on January 02, 2014, 03:30:19 PM

Title: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
Post by: Skip Slocum on January 02, 2014, 03:30:19 PM
I was telling Bunny what you guys were saying about Jake and Abby’s kiss. I told her I wanted to show it in the scene but didn’t want it completely smooth or suave.
We talked about a young girl’s pride while trying to impress the guy she likes and how inexperience on her part might sway the scene just a bit.
Then she sat there beside me but try as I might I couldn’t write a word with here sitting there. Had to wait ‘til she walked away to get back to it. How’d I do?
See repaired version on page 2, block number #20

Their Kiss in the Kitchen.

“Stop.” Jake shook his head. “Don’t do this.” He slowly walked toward her. “Don’t be sorry – not unless it’s because you ran.” He could see a slight tremble. Gently, he laid his hand over hers and bent lower where he could whisper. “I liked it. I thought about it all day. Over and over, now here you are. Abby-” She looked up at him. “-if you don’t leave, I’m going to kiss you. I don’t care if it’s wrong. So when I do, it will be the kiss I’ve wanted to give you since the first moment I saw you.”

She flinched. Her breath caught. Yet, before she could move Jake reached for her.

He caressed the back of her hand then slowly laced his fingers with hers. “Tell me this is what you want . . .”

“I ah.” She wouldn’t look up.

The swell of his chest brushed her cheek. She inhaled sharply.  “Breathe Abby . . .” He brought one hand up to the nape of her neck. “Last chance to say no.” He smiled.

“Yes.”

That’s all he needed to hear. He leaned closer. And yet, while she offered her lips up to his, he felt her stiffen. Her trembling had turned to stone. Feeling her elbows draw inward Jake realized he might have pushed her too far, too fast. “Shall I stop?” She shook her head but the glaze in her eyes bordered on fear. “Abby?”

“Please Jake” her voice was but a whisper

“What is it?”

“Nothing I just . . . I mean-”

“Shhh” He wrapped his arms around her. “I want this but only if you do”

“I do, truly I do Jake but . . . nev” Her arms wrapped around him and she buried her face where he couldn’t see. “I-I ca-can’t tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

“Nothing.”

He pulled back trying to look her in the eye. “No nothing – you’ve gotta tell.” She turned away before he could see her face. But clearly her standing there isolated and alone upset her even more. Jake touched her shoulder and she leaned back to him. “Abby talk to me. What is it?”

She turned. “Kiss me.”

“Now hold on ah minute. I’m not in the habit of forcing myself on beautiful women – thank you very much.”

She looked away again. “I know Jake. You’ve a kind heart but you’d think me a callow child if I told you.”

Jake’s mind was ah wash with questions. His heart was on fire. Holding her felt so good. He was sure he was finally going to kiss her. Her voice told him yes but another part of her was telling him wait.

She turned toward him but kept her eyes closed. Reaching up with both hands, she caressed his face, drawing him lower. She laid her forehead against his. Her heart was beating so hard he could feel it, then again so was his. Her breath quickened. “Be patient with me Jake . . . you’re my first real kis-”

He couldn’t wait any longer. In their frenzied haste he might have been a little rough as he crushed her in his arms and yet her moans were that of pleasure not of pain.
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: bri h on January 02, 2014, 03:50:23 PM
First there was City Slickers. Then Brokeback Mountain. Even Cowboys and Aliens. But this? This is 'Western-Porn.'  ha ha.


Joking aside Skip. As a reader I think you've wrote this well, except for a few misplaced or misspelt 'ah's.' I suppose it depends on the story? SO is the emphasis on Jake n Abby or just Jake's story. If it's solely J n A, then it's ok. If it's just Jake then the scene (to me) is over the top. Still enjoying it though. B
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: 510bhan on January 02, 2014, 04:01:09 PM
The swell of his chest brushed her cheek. She inhaled sharply. “Breathe Abby . . .” He brought one hand up to the nape of her neck. “Last chance to say no.” He smiled. Don't see the relevance of this. :-\

I'm not convinced. :-X

I think she'd make more of a mess of it. Maybe once she's said 'yes' -- a little too quickly, as if she didn't trust herself to commit to the thing she wanted -- she could close her eyes and pucker up waiting, lips in a ridiculous full pout like the way a maiden aunt presents her mouth for a kiss when you greet her or say farewell. Her eyelids could be fluttering, her neck stiff and stretched. He might want to laugh but realises she doesn't know what to do and then cradles her face and tells her to open her eyes as he leans in closer. She could jolt away and look startled before she confesses to never having kissed before. A little more sweet talk from Jake to relax her and then a soft, gentle brush against her lips. Check -- everything's okay -- and then move in before she's aware and she melts in his arms with a proper kiss that lasts longer than a second or two as they clasp each other close. :-\
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: Skip Slocum on January 02, 2014, 04:13:06 PM
Hey Bri,  ;D Yeah, this is going to be how Jake and Abby got together, from Jake's POV. I have some dastardly divots planed for them to go through.
Western-porn -  ;D ;D ;D Thanks for hanging in there with me on this.

Hey Miss Sio -- Part of my problem in writing this has been trying to avoid what would or could come off as comedy. And trying to match the dialogue, body language (oh and notice I didn't use the term body language in the text since it wasn't called that back then. ) ;D I may need to do quite a bit of re-work and adjustment on this. Figure she's the innocent and Jake recognizes this and doesn't want to overwhelm her. Pondering.

EDIT: “Breathe Abby"  -- thank you, I'll go fix that. (that's one of the other ones I keep getting mixed up.
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: 510bhan on January 02, 2014, 04:49:27 PM
Then instead of reading her 'body language' . . . actions speak louder than words and he reads her trembles, her hesitation, her clenched jaw and timorous smile, the conflicting messages in the way she speaks against the visual cues and the way she behaves/acts/conducts herself.  ;)

Her body said school marm no but her words invited him closer.
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: Skip Slocum on January 02, 2014, 05:14:48 PM
A couple of things my wife and I were throwing about was: -- trying to get into Abby's head -- She is 22-ish and while she likes Jake, when it comes down to brass tacks, she knows nothing of kissing men. She was 10 or 11 while the major was in the army, meaning no contact with boys. Then she went to a finishing school for her teaching degree. A school that was all girls and run very strict as far as code of conduct, and how a lady conducts herself. Now back at the ranch, the boys are too young and Mr. Owens is completely out of the picture.

So Abby, being a modern woman, would not necessarily hold to ridged, old world or genteel views and customs. However, she has not kissed a man and might be self conscious and afraid he will not be impressed with her because of such.

 ???
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: 2par on January 02, 2014, 05:35:18 PM
Okay, breathe, par, breathe.

I love the romance. Keep it romantic and you've got us hooked.
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: 510bhan on January 02, 2014, 05:49:49 PM
Unless you're bold and confident -- doing something new when you are older than most the first time you try will be fraught with doubt, especially if it is something that's supposed to have some meaning. It'd be different if it was a dare.
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: Skip Slocum on January 02, 2014, 06:10:04 PM
 2par -- ;D ;D Cool beans. Thank you. But thinking aloud -- since in the opening of this story I showed Jake as being a bounty hunter/ greased-lightening gunslinger, I have to morph the story back around to him using those skills. I've been thinking about this a lot and already have a couple ideas.

Miss Sio -- Are you saying I need to ramp up Abby's timidness?

Pale -- This is good stuff. It's going to take a bit to sink into memory but I will definitely work on this. Good lesson, thank you.
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: 510bhan on January 02, 2014, 06:14:51 PM
2par -- ;D ;D Cool beans. Thank you. But thinking aloud -- since in the opening of this story I showed Jake as being a bounty hunter/ greased-lightening gunslinger, I have to morph the story back around to him using those skills. I've been thinking about this a lot and already have a couple ideas.

Miss Sio -- Are you saying I need to ramp up Abby's timidness?

Pale -- This is good stuff. It's going to take a bit to sink into memory but I will definitely work on this. Good lesson, thank you.

I think she would be conflicted. She should be more worldly, she wants Jake to kiss her but -- oh god, will I do it right? :o
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: Skip Slocum on January 02, 2014, 06:23:31 PM
-- oh god, will I do it right? --   Exactly! that's how I wanted her to come across, adding to this that she might be reluctant to say/tell this to Jake.

So me being a bit thick here, Are you saying this didn't come across at all? Do I need to make her squirm more?
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: 510bhan on January 02, 2014, 06:28:34 PM
Problem is this is from Jake's POV so you're incredibly limited in what you can portray. He doesn't know her well enough to read her mind, so I don't know how it could be fixed so that her feelings come across without a switch in perspective.

Unless . . . unless . . . Jake recalls a previous love or perhaps the whispering of a sister giving the gen on their first kiss and him recognising the same things in Abby. ::)
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: Skip Slocum on January 02, 2014, 06:47:20 PM
That's a good idea. And yes the POV thing was my biggest opponent in this.  Jake needs to see it before I can state it outright to the reader. I was hoping the reader could see Abby's timidness while Jake was still slightly in the dark.

Another idea might be after Abby relaxes, she might/could mention how nervous she was.

And now stepping out of Abby's head, and stepping into Jake's, While he is a little older, and probably been kissed by a few dance-hall girls, I don't see him as an accomplished Casanova either.
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: 510bhan on January 02, 2014, 07:22:03 PM
That's a good idea. And yes the POV thing was my biggest opponent in this.  Jake needs to see it before I can state it outright to the reader. I was hoping the reader could see Abby's timidness while Jake was still slightly in the dark.

Another idea might be after Abby relaxes, she might/could mention how nervous she was.

And now stepping out of Abby's head, and stepping into Jake's, While he is a little older, and probably been kissed by a few dance-hall girls, I don't see him as an accomplished Casanova either.

Maybe he's out of practice too and perhaps has never kissed a 'special' girl before? He could be timid-ish but at least he'd know what to do and afterwards when they both think it's pretty fine and they'd like to do it again we could find out about Abby ???
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: Skip Slocum on January 02, 2014, 07:34:13 PM
Agree. And us guys have that wannabe machismo things going on where we're reluctant to admit fault or weakness.

So I could give Jake an internal line of wondering and then maybe to make Abby feel more at ease he admits his pondering-s.
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: Skip Slocum on January 02, 2014, 11:38:13 PM
 ;)
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: 2par on January 02, 2014, 11:51:35 PM
I think maybe one thing to consider is the fact that women have traditionally been more open about their feelings than men have been. Perhaps even in their own thoughts. For instance, Jake might be thinking about what's socially acceptable in his actions towards her which may be in conflict with his prurient thoughts. Those are things that fit right in with what Pale talked about in fumbling through the same bundle of nerves.
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: Skip Slocum on January 03, 2014, 12:11:46 AM
And this is supposed to be sometime in the 1880's (give or take)

We were different back then.  ;D
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
Post by: Skip Slocum on January 03, 2014, 02:52:31 PM
After all the help and advice, I made some repairs. Hope it reads smoother.

* * *

“Stop.” Jake shook his head. “Don’t do this.” He calmly moved toward her. “Don’t be sorry – not unless it’s because you ran.” She trembled in waves. Gently, he laid his hand over hers and bent lower where he could whisper. “I liked it. I thought about it all day – over and over. Now here you are. Abby-” She looked up. “-if you don’t leave, I’m going to kiss you – right or wrong. When I do, it will be the kiss I’ve wanted since the first moment I laid eyes on you.”

She flinched. Her breath caught. Before she had a chance to move Jake reached for her.

He caressed the back of her hand, slowly lacing his fingers with hers. “Tell me this is what you want.”

“I uh.” She wouldn’t look up.

The swell of his chest brushed her cheek. She inhaled sharply.  “Breathe Abby . . .” He brought a hand up to the nape of her neck. “Tell me no.” He smiled.

“Yes.”

That’s all he needed to hear. He leaned closer. And yet, while she offered her lips to his, he felt her stiffen. Her trembling had turned to stone and her elbows drew inward. Jake realized he might have pushed her too far, too fast. “Shall I stop?” She shook her head but the glaze in her eyes bordered on fear. “Abby?”

“Please Jake” her voice was but a whisper

“What is it?”

“Nothing I just . . . I mean-”

“Shhh” He wrapped his arms around her. “I want this but only if you do”

“I do, truly Jake but . . . I nev” Her arms wrapped around him. She buried her face. “I-I ca-can’t tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

“Nothing.”

He pulled back trying to look her in the eye. “No nothing – you’ve gotta tell.” She turned away before he could see her face. But clearly her standing there isolated and alone upset her even more. Jake touched her shoulder and she leaned back to him. “Abby talk to me. What is it?”

She turned. “Kiss me.”

“Now hold on ah minute. I’m not in the habit of forcing myself on beautiful women – thank you very much.”

She looked away again. “I know Jake. You’ve a kind heart but you’d think me a callow child if I told you.”

Jake’s mind was ah wash with questions. His heart was on fire. Holding her felt so good. He was sure he was finally going to kiss her. Her voice told him yes but another part of her was telling him wait.

She turned toward him but kept her eyes closed. Reaching up with both hands, she caressed his face, drawing him lower. She laid her forehead against his. Her heart beat so hard he could feel it, then again so was his. Her breath quickened. “Be patient with me Jake . . . you’re my first, real kis-”

He couldn’t wait any longer. In their frenzied haste he might have been a little rough crushing her in his arms and yet her moans were that of pleasure not of pain.
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
Post by: bowmore bill on January 03, 2014, 03:28:12 PM
This one caught my attention right from the start skip, and held it right through to the end.

I thought that you handled the situation perfectly, and at one point I put myself in character.
It was delicate and un-rushed, the tempo leading up to the final moment could not have been better written.
Well done.
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
Post by: 510bhan on January 03, 2014, 03:37:05 PM
Skip when you use 'ah' it might sound right, but I think you're aiming for a pause, a moment's hesitation, playing for time.


Most readers accept 'ah' as an expression of awe or sudden understanding . . . like the crowd ooh-ing and ah-ing at a magician. When they use 'aw' it can be an expression of sympathy or annoyance, depending on the tone -- aw, that's not fair, or aw, s'nuthin' I'd do it for anyone. More regular uses of short words for hesitation would be 'er/erm' or 'uh/uhm/um'.

EG "Hi, Mary. Sorry to hear about, er, you know the -- incident."
     "Thanks, John. It's not a worry any more. I was wondering . . . would you like to, um, come over to dinner maybe?"
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
Post by: Skip Slocum on January 03, 2014, 03:47:21 PM
Mr. Bill -- Thank you Sir. Much appreciated.  You getting into character with this makes me dance, Whee haw.  ;D

Miss Sio --  I never looked at it that way and now it makes sense why there would be a disconnect there.

Out of these examples/ choices I like 'uh' the best.  I've seen 'er' used but to me that's what a dork might say when a question is put to him.  ;D

I'll go fix that now. Thank you.
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
Post by: WordBird on January 04, 2014, 06:52:24 AM
Yummy!!!
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
Post by: bri h on January 04, 2014, 08:07:57 AM
At the risk of sounding like a certain nameless critic,  ::). You've had your fun with the kiss. can we get back to the story now? Huh?   ;D
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
Post by: Skip Slocum on January 04, 2014, 11:35:22 AM
 ;D ;D Hey Bri, yeah time to slide into the, bang-shoot-blood in the streets parts.  ;D
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
Post by: bri h on January 04, 2014, 11:38:06 AM
;D ;D Hey Bri, yeah time to slide into the, bang-shoot-blood in the streets parts.  ;D


Unless it's like the Chinese translation of James Bond?

'Kiss kiss-Bang bang.'  ;D
Title: Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
Post by: Skip Slocum on January 04, 2014, 11:51:26 AM
Well I've been planing out bad things. But I've also hated how in old westerns the bad guys don't plan their getaway.

There was one movie that was better than most in this area, 'Cahill U.S. Marshal' -- John Wayne. It had a few twists. I don't want to copy that plot but am trying to get into the head of the bad guy as well as the sheriff. I think I've come up with a good plan that follows logic, doesn't insult the intelligence if the sheriff, the reader or the bad guy(s).