My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: zoe203 on November 01, 2013, 03:03:33 AM

Title: Help me with my poem! "The wind and the trees"
Post by: zoe203 on November 01, 2013, 03:03:33 AM

The wind and the trees


I kiss their bark
once, perhaps twice
I blush, blink and smile

Then I ignore
I look away
whispering, stiff and bored

Longing and loneliness
disbursed like leaves
I inflict in order to be relieved

They are wilted and bent
it is the best part
gusty and sharp
I am the wind without a heart

Title: Re: Help me with my poem! "The wind and the trees"
Post by: Skip Slocum on November 01, 2013, 03:22:52 AM

This being your first posting I'd like to direct you to our welcome board. Start a new thread like you've done here and introduce yourself.

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0

If you have any questions please ask.

Skip
Global Moderator

Title: Re: Help me with my poem! "The wind and the trees"
Post by: duck on November 01, 2013, 03:48:58 AM

Hi
This is really not bad. I would drop the last 5 lines and finish on the word leaves. The title is little dull too.
Duck

Title: Re: Help me with my poem! "The wind and the trees"
Post by: Mark T on November 01, 2013, 04:17:55 AM

This is a poignant little poem, quite well-written and atmospheric. I would suggest replacing 'disbursed' with 'dispersed' as disburse means financial distribution. Keep writing.