My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Script => Topic started by: Jackson_Leigh on October 23, 2013, 08:42:37 PM

Title: Tik Tik: New Supernatural Drama - Word Count 849
Post by: Jackson_Leigh on October 23, 2013, 08:42:37 PM
Logline: An ordinary town is taken over by a powerful mythical creature known as The Aswang. It is up to a group of teenagers to defeat this creature before it kills off the entire town.


An elderly priest kneels by his desk reciting "The Stations of the Cross." He speaks in whispers. His hands are folded while his head is tilted up towards the ceiling.

The kings of the earth rise up and the princes conspire together against the Lord and against his Anointed. I will proclaim the decree of the Lord; the Lord said to me:
"You are my Son; this day I have begotten you.Ē

A loud rumble comes from outside the Rectory. The elderly priest looks towards the window. The rumbling stops as the priest returns to his prayers .

ďAsk of me and I will give you the nations for an inheritance
and the ends of the earth for your possession.Ē

A low whisper comes from outside the window. The priest turns his attention back to the window. The whisper grows into a small female voice.

Father?, Father?

The Priest focuses on the window. The voice cries out once again. The voice is weak. The Priest stands to his feet. He heads towards the window. The dim light outside hinders his view of the backside of the rectory. The source of the voice remains to be seen. The Priest, turns around back to his prayers. As he reaches his desk in the center of the workroom, a Black Bird flies into the window. The Bird, now dead, falls to the dirt at the foot of the Rectory.

The Priest looks to a picture of Jesus hanging on the wall. He kneels and blesses himself.

Pater noster qui es in coelis, sanctificetur nomen tuum; adveniat regnum tuum --

The Priest in taken by surprise during the prayer as the eyes of Jesus Christ begin to bleed. The blood trickling down onto the face of the picture. The pupils of the eyes expand until the entire color of the eyes are pure black.

Oh merciful Lord, be with me.

The Priest now on his feet reaches for a bottle of Holy Water sitting on his desk. Taking the bottle, he splashes the Holy Water onto the picture and the surrounding walls. The blood leaves the frame of the picture as it seeps down onto the walls of the rectory.

Begone you evil one.

All walls surrounding the workroom begin to shake and rumble. Cracks and dents forming in the foundation. The Priest feels the floor shake beneath him.

Leave, you evil spirit!

The priest continues to splash Holy Water onto the walls and himself. A Black figure passes the door of the workroom. The rumbling and shaking of the walls stop immediately. The Priest reaches for the Bible on his desk as his entire body becomes paralyzed. His vision becomes blurry as the Black Figure stands in the doorway. The Priest filled with panic is thrown onto the carpet. His body lays there motionless. The Black Figure approaching him.


The Priestís eyes widen with fear as his body is bent completely backward. His head touching the heels of his feet. The Black Figure now standing above the Priest. It leans down and punctures itís teeth into the Priestís stomach. The Black Figure pulling out the small intestines, enters into the body of the Priest. His body unbends and lays flat onto the carpet. His entire body begins to twitch, as his eyes turn to a faded red color. The Priest drools blood from his mouth as he screams in pain. His eye color returns to normal. The body stops twitching as The Priest now lays dead in the workroom of the Rectory.  


CRYSTAL REEVES - An adolescent girl sits quietly at her desk. Her eyes are red from irritation. She is playing with her pencil on her desk, as she hears the girls beside her laughter.

I know, she is such a freak.

What do you think is wrong with her.
CRYSTALís turns her head towards the girls. They are looking straight at her. She stares. They continue to laugh, though they try to cover it. They know she heard them, which only makes CRYSTAL even angier. She leans forward to say something to the girls when --

Miss Reeves, do you care to explain the definition of Lycanthropy?

Um, yes it is a state in which a human can transform his or herself into a wolf or dog like creature.

That is correct. Would you mind keeping your eyes on the board please.

CRYSTAL quickly looks in the direction of the two girls. The two girls exchange looks and then their attention goes back to the notes on the board.

This is only a rough draft of the first two opening scenes. I know it's not quite there yet but would love to hear what you all think of it. Rant on...


Title: Re: Tik Tik: New Supernatural Drama
Post by: hillwalker3000 on October 24, 2013, 05:54:01 PM
If it's 'only a rough draft' I'm wondering what you expect us to say except "It needs a lot of work."

What do you have so far?
90 words of mumbo-jumbo spoken by a priest.
A 'voice' that says 'Father' twice.
And about 60 words of dialogue that take place in a classroom.

For some reason the subject of lycanthropy is mentioned. So that's the 'supernatural' part covered. But there's no drama, is there?

We need a lot more than this to be able to establish whether this is going anywhere. So far it's not.