My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Work => Topic started by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 08:44:39 PM

Title: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 08:44:39 PM
-deleted-
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 08:52:43 PM
On first reading, I'm finding this lovely. I'm a bit tired and ready for bed, so if you don't mind I'll save any crits for later in the day. Ok a quickie . . . 'breathes' should be 'breaths.' and I think you want a question mark at the end of one of your ellipses. Gnight/morning. Bri.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 08:56:52 PM
Ty Bri.  I'll research what ellipse is and fix this.  Ty for reading.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 08:58:21 PM
English Ellipse =  . . .  American =...       ellipses. ok? And you're welcome. I learned how to do em here as well. B
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 08:59:42 PM
Ah, awesome. ty again.  I put '...' when I do not know what to properly put there.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 09:00:19 PM
hang on
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 09:02:23 PM
I heard something...? In the English version it would read
'I heard something . . . ?'  That kinda thing. B
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 09:03:06 PM
I know many of you are pro's at this.  I am sorry since all that I write is going to be bad with punctuation and the like. (why I am scared to critique anyones work..I am doing this by feel if anything)  I have no idea what I am doing.  Well, not an educated idea anyhow.  Glad some of the - and ... and 's were good lol
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 09:08:33 PM
I'm no pro, plum. I just remember some of the good things I've been taught here. And I like to pass em on. You're in a better position with your writing than I'll ever be. Don't be hard on yourself and keep writing. You're doing great. Wait till the rest of the Brits see this. They'll come out of the woodwork to crit this. And it won't hurt. It'll all be good supportive stuff. Well, Most of em will be. Just remember, they're critting the words and technique. NOT the author. A lesson I learned the hard way. A crit is easy. Just say what you liked about the story/poem/script, and what you didn't. These are all just opinions. Not hard fact. Enjoy this time, you're gonna learn so much AND have fun. Resp, Bri.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 09:10:28 PM
you kickass Bri. Ty.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 09:13:16 PM
Who's arse am I kicking? Do I get to choose? heh heh. Thanks for the comp. Appreciate it. And I like making new friends. So you get to see my bias. heh heh. B
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: 510bhan on September 28, 2013, 09:17:55 PM
Hi Plumjive, we often witter on about the importance of the opening line . . . I got confused [cultural thing, I know] and thought the 'lodge' was . . . in sequence:

1. a grand house -- no
2. a masonic lodge - they have weird rituals -- no
3. also thought of Orange Lodge  but because of dismissing #2, nixed that thought
4. getting confused now -- beaver's lodge -- no

Oh FFS I'm getting really annoyed trying to work out what this is ::) >:( . . . and that's before I managed to get any further.

If you could somehow clarify the lodge more precisely then the reader [and there could be more things  like me out there, let's hope not, but hey] won't suffer any confusion or frustration. Even working through the first paragraph, because I didn't have a clear idea of what a lodge was and still wasn't any wiser until near the end of the sixth sentence when sun-dance was mentioned I hadn't a lulu where I was. :o I'd have been a lost reader because of the opening sentence. :-[

mans chest ----> man's chest
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: 510bhan on September 28, 2013, 09:20:08 PM
Maybe even a title change could set up the scene for the reader.  :-[
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 09:20:30 PM
I posted here on MWC what I thought was a poem about a year ago.  A member replied with some heavy stuff, and even someone like myself could see he was well read and smart. So I decided I am not a poet.  And I thought I'd try story stuff.  This was my first attempt as I read here on MWC 1k is a solid place to shoot for for a little story.  It has evolved into a real story though...huge.  Like, I have pages on characters and places and things.  My self doubt and ego and memories make this writing thing harder than it should be, but I am going to try.  I do not have many other options really :P Just want to know if I have what it takes.  

One thing I have found is when writing on something, like my bad guys for instance, I will look out the window and see them in the shadows.  Wings unfurling and piercing glares... 100% sober.  Is writing supposed to shape the world like this?  Or am I crazy?  I am comfortable with either option btw.

Plum
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 09:21:09 PM
Ty 510...on it.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 09:21:53 PM
K, how do i edit this?
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 09:26:07 PM
Truly cannot figure out how to edit the original post.  I agree with 510, one word could make all the difference.  Help?  :P
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 09:26:45 PM
Don't let the opinion of one person discourage you from writing anything! I'd like to see you post that poem again on the poetry boards and see you work on that as well as your GOOD story here. There's tons of helpful people here who'll support and encourage you. You're a writer. Get used to it.  ;D Bri.

Sorry plum. You can't edit till you reach 50 posts. It's a new rule. Go to the fast-thread pages and get busy havin fun. On a good day/night you can generate 50 posts in an hour or so. Bri
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 09:31:05 PM
Btw. I got that it was an Indian Sweat Lodge straight away, by your writing. Mebbee I'm more in touch with my 'tribal' side than 510 is? heh heh
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 09:33:44 PM
Bri, how do I change this original post..I work as a W@H RST/WNS agent providing remote based networking assistance ...and I cannot find how to edit this original post.  I think I could include the word sweat in the first sentence and make things better for folks who have never sweat or aren't familiar with sweats.  Tyvm.

Plum
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: 510bhan on September 28, 2013, 09:35:01 PM
There you go -- sweat lodge solves the problem. ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

@ Bri' -- I did explain my thought process as to why I had difficulty -- I wasn't being a twerp.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 09:35:56 PM
read up two or three of my posts. I've explained to you why you can't. But I think you can ask a mod to edit it for you. B
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 09:36:18 PM
K, re-read your previous post Bri.  Ty man.  Appreciate your help.  Appreciate all of you.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 09:38:05 PM
There you go -- sweat lodge solves the problem. ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

@ Bri' -- I did explain my thought process as to why I had difficulty -- I wasn't being a twerp.

I never called you a twerp shvon. I may have implied it, but I never said it. Jokin aside, I wouldn't. Plum meet the person who taught me how to write properly. Her name is 510bhan, shvon to her friends. Shvon meet plum. B
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 09:38:34 PM
Hell, i didn't know about sweats until I was imprisoned lol.  Oregon tribes fought for and received rights to practice spiritual things while incarcerated..  Had a cousin inside who was like 'Bro..you're sweating and hanging with us'.  Which was awkward and difficult as my father is white...but w/e.  My point I 'spose is that even a 1/2 blood like me didin't know about sweats till I met one :P
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 09:39:06 PM
Hi 510, nice to meetcha.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: 510bhan on September 28, 2013, 09:39:14 PM
Have a hop around in Games and Challenges -- even just leave a smiley face . . . it still counts as a post. Or chat in the MWC bar. Once you hit 50 you can adjust your profile, get a pic up, modify posts -- wow . . . it's just amazing! :D
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: 510bhan on September 28, 2013, 09:40:37 PM
I never called you a twerp shvon. I may have implied it, but I never said it. Jokin aside, I wouldn't. Plum meet the person who taught me how to write properly. Her name is 510bhan, shvon to her friends. Shvon meet plum. B

Yeah, I know . . . but sometimes I can be twerpy and cheeky to folk I know -- like you. ;) ;D
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 09:41:26 PM
1/2 blood sounds much better than half caste which is how I describe myself. I might adopt that term if you don't mind plum. 'Didin't' = didn't. B
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 09:44:52 PM
Yeah, I know . . . but sometimes I can be twerpy and cheeky to folk I know -- like you. ;) ;D

Yeah I know. I bring out the mother monster in you. heh heh.

I was tellin plum before I'd like to read the poem that he/she wrote. Btw, are you a guy or a gal plum? I can't tell from your name. B
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: 510bhan on September 28, 2013, 09:47:24 PM
Should still be in the board if plumjive can remember the member name used or the title of the poem -- simple search would bring it up then. ;)
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 09:50:14 PM
I'm a fella, 33 american male
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 09:50:47 PM
The poem was.. 'Facts'.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 09:52:02 PM
(sings)

"Well I wonder wonder who,
tell me who,
who wrote the crit of plu-u-u-m?" heh heh
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Trejj on September 28, 2013, 09:52:15 PM
Plum, I am John.  Very new, unpublished, just trying to write seriously for the first time actually.

I can relate to you.  You have talent, but you don't know how to bridge the gap and become an actual published writer.  I thank that is what you want to do.

Here's what to expect:  You will get critiqued.  That isn't negative.  People here know what publisers want, and they will not mince words.  Some comments are bracing - cold shower time.  They are never personal (except for a few unfortunate exceptions).

Take them, reflect on them, and above all DO NOT DO WHAT YOU DID LAST TIME.

Don't drop off and quit because someone used big words and knew their stuff.  Don't be intimidated.  In a week or two, you'll be flying with the eagles.

My take on your story is simple: it is artistic, it is ambitous, it had a Joseph Conrad feel to it.  BUT, I found it confusing and hard to read at times.  I also found it a bit too dramatic at times.  And it is hard to feel where the protagonist is going to enter - not sure where the conflict will develop.  It may be coming soon...

But I also see that you have creativity, flair, and ability.  Now some of the very good folks here will help you.  If you let them.

:)

Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 09:53:50 PM
Well said Trejj
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 09:58:50 PM
@ John

It has grown.  The 'I' has a name now and the wold he meets through the sweat comes to life.  They live in a place where perception and will create reality.  Ash is real and is the son from a fine den of spirit pups.  There's pages and files and acres of words now.  Part of me is glad this is me and at other times it sucks.  I'd like to sleep not thinking about the protagonists journey :P The toning down of drama is something I will be quite aware of now.  Ty man.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Trejj on September 28, 2013, 10:00:06 PM
YW.  Where in the US?
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 10:00:17 PM
The not bleeding while bleeding thing is new to me.  The more I experience it the more I appreciate those that can bleed with restraint.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 10:01:35 PM
Vermont for tonight.  Taking a train to Oregon (home state) tomorrow morning.  My partner and I decided we shouldn't be partners.  It is sad but she is right.  She helps me think it was my choice but that is only because she is a woman.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 10:02:21 PM
Aaaand the redwine is typing more than I :P  Sorry all and ty.  Really.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Trejj on September 28, 2013, 10:03:35 PM
Sounds like a tough night.  Sorry.  hang in.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Trejj on September 28, 2013, 10:04:51 PM
OMG what a train ride that would be though!!!!
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on September 28, 2013, 10:05:41 PM
Don't let the opinion of one person discourage you from writing anything! I'd like to see you post that poem again on the poetry boards and see you work on that as well as your GOOD story here. There's tons of helpful people here who'll support and encourage you. You're a writer. Get used to it.  ;D Bri.

Sorry plum. You can't edit till you reach 50 posts. It's a new rule. Go to the fast-thread pages and get busy havin fun. On a good day/night you can generate 50 posts in an hour or so. Bri

Brian, since we're not suppose to post the same work more than one time (that doesn't count rewrites BYW), here's a link to the poem referred to:
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=46830.msg807990#msg807990
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 10:12:34 PM
Thanks Alice. I've just looked at it and I like it.

'BYW?' Wha's this?  B
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 10:13:11 PM
A good ride I hope.   I am one of those who don't know many close relationships.  I accept this and live.  Thing is, she was the second of the close ones and it is truly tough.  Mind tells me to hang on and proceed, that I've lived through adoption, foster homes, juvenile hall and prison.  That I've tread the highways seeking w/e random w/e might come along.  That I have been wild and alone and that it is familiar territory. No big deal.  At the same time my mind likes the bed we knew and her scent.  The years of pattern and behavior and life.  Having to draw from the habits of old makes me sigh in mind and in body.  Sadly, they are the same habits that made her leave me :P  So I board a train tomorrow.  Back home.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Trejj on September 28, 2013, 10:16:16 PM
Sh(*&^t.  Well on a completely irrelevant point: I would love the scenery of that ride.  and if you are finally going to harness your talent for writing and hone it, you could be a new man by the time you get to Oregon...is that 2 days?

Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: bri h on September 28, 2013, 10:22:30 PM
At the same time my mind likes the bed we knew, and her scent. 
The years of pattern, behavior and life. 
Having to draw from the habits of old
makes me sigh in mind and body. 
Sadly they are the same habits that made her leave me.   
So I board a train tomorrow. To go back home.

And you say you're not a poet? I beg to differ, friend.

(hope you didn't mind me 'fiddling' with your words?) Bri.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Trejj on September 28, 2013, 10:24:34 PM
Birian that was genius.  You're like the 'poet whisperer'.

That is pretty good says me
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on September 28, 2013, 10:51:20 PM
!
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: fire-fly on September 29, 2013, 02:11:55 AM
Guys, please, this is a Review board. If you wish to chit chat, not a problem. Head into to the bar or the Coffee Shop in general and do that.

For every post in here, you bring this topic back to the top, decreasing the chances of the next poster getting a crit on their work.

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=6.0

Coffee Shop = Chat

Review Boards = Work.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: hillwalker3000 on September 29, 2013, 07:05:20 AM
I enjoyed reading this - a very eloquent piece. Some of the writing shows a real feel for language and the impact of a well-chosen metaphor.
It dropped from the roof of the lodge like a cougar to prey: clawing my body and gashing my thighs. . .
is particularly striking.

I also managed to figure out the context once I saw the word 'sun-dance'.

But - there are some buts. . .

Openings are critical and on first reading I didn't understand the opening sentence. I assumed the narrator had been lying face-down so didn't feel 'my forehead' the correct phrase. It later became obvious you had been kneeling with your forehead touching the ground in supplication. Maybe that needs making clearer.

Also I didn't get a clear indication who you were or why you were taking part in the ceremony. You could just as easily have been a culture tourist or stoned hippy looking for some new experience to write in their journal. Despite the realistic descriptions that put us there inside the lodge with you, I didn't get a feel for the significance of your rite of passage.

I think you can tighten this - and maybe have a better defined resolution on which to close. It started to become a little too unfocused beyond the three-quarter mark. Almost losing its way in the poetry.

You also need to look at how apostrophes are used if you're looking to get your work published.

Finally I'll end with an adverb. You use far too many, and most of them do your writing no favours.

I slowly crawled
I looked up and immediately began staring
sun-dance scars held my eyes absolutely
Eventually it released its hold
the ground wasn't particularly comfortable to sit on
My heart began to seriously outpace the drum
Desperately seeking relief
the images were directly tied to my thoughts
I was absolutely incapable of thinking them back to stone
I was intimately familiar with this exact pain.
If I hadn’t been so thoroughly devoid of moisture
embracing me as thoroughly as the steam
the ceremony had called to a deeply buried toxin


Ask yourself how many of these add anything. . . and how many are there to bulk up the word count.

H3K
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: heidi52 on September 29, 2013, 08:46:57 AM
Coming in late but I'm glad we finally got back on track. I enjoyed your story and I read it all the way through. You write well.

I had the same questions about your MC as H3K, I'm guessing he's not Native American. However I'm willing to read more of your story and find out. I don't expect to get the whole picture in the first bit.

You asked way back there if you will ever sleep at night instead of going over your MCs journey? Ha! Good luck with that!  :D :D

Glad you came back. Put your big boy thick skin on, it's the only way you will learn.  ;)
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on October 07, 2013, 11:08:56 PM
@ The mod's - Sorry guys.  The wine and the attention made me forget that MWC 'Review my work' isn't a personal chat room/diary.  Sorry all.

@H3K- Ty.  For what it is worth your feedback is most welcomed by me.  I agree- I have fillers and attempts at w/e that aren't needed.  If I could edit this I would.  Soon™ :P

@Heidi - Thick skin = on!  This forum and my little writings are a first for me.  Never written or posted anything anywhere ever.  I've been soft and that is meh.  Its go time.  I wish to see what pro. writers think of my s***.  Truly.  Pro's, can I be you?  That's my ?
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Trejj on October 07, 2013, 11:13:33 PM
WB.  Glad you haven't disappeared.  Looking forward to future posts.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on October 07, 2013, 11:16:02 PM
Trejj..if there was a spot to chat about the train ride (as you showed an interest in that) I'd be down.  It was amazing.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Trejj on October 07, 2013, 11:22:23 PM
I think you lived out one of my dreams there.  but it's almost midnight east coast....next time.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on October 07, 2013, 11:23:05 PM
G'night sir.
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: Plumjive on December 29, 2018, 02:29:15 AM
I check this, from time to time....6k+ views? Not too shabby.

As if #'s matter :P
Title: Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
Post by: nosuchmember on December 30, 2018, 09:35:58 AM
I check this, from time to time....6k+ views? Not too shabby.

As if #'s matter :P

My next door neighbor  has a "sweat" house. He described some of his experiences. I enjoyed the read. I hope you will share more of your writing.      Jan