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Workshop => Review My Script => Topic started by: umair7 on July 30, 2013, 05:40:35 AM

Title: Advice on script / Adult Language
Post by: umair7 on July 30, 2013, 05:40:35 AM

Any words of wisdom will be appreciated

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT
Thunderclaps masking the grating screams of a woman followed by the cries of a newborn
A woman profusely sweating jumps out off the dumpster and limps into the darkness.
EXT. ALLEY - LATER
JABIRO (40) wearing tattered clothes scavenging the dumpster.
Baby is sleeping, jabiru crudely shifts the baby to the side an carries on his scavenging, the baby starts crying which startles jabiru

JABIRO
Fuck.

JABIRO (CONT’D)
Ssshhh , shut up

the baby stops crying, jabiru paces away from the dumpster but comes back to pick up the baby.
Jabrio dissappear into the darkness

INT. ABANDONED THEATRE - NIGHT

Jabiro stomps in, holding the baby with his legs

JABIRO
Jenne
(beat)
Jenne ,where the fuck are you

JENNE (O.S.)
Coming.

JENNE (25), Jabrio’s misery mistress ,scuttles in with post-pregnancy fat

JABIRO
Look what I found.

Raises up the baby like he is some kind of fish. Jenne beams, gliding towards Jabiro takes the boy from him, cuddles and snuggles him

JENNE
Oh my god where did you find this angel

JABIRO
In a dumpster.

JENNE
What ?

The baby won't stop crying ,so she breast feeds her. Jabrio is a little annoyed.
JENNE (CONT’D)

What should I call him ?

JABIRO
Jabrio Jr

JENNE
umm ,how about Alan ?

JABIRO
What’s wrong with Jubrio jr.

JENNE
I like alan

Jabrio scoffs and drags his feet towards a rugged comforter and drops down.
Jenne plays with her little toy.

INT. ABANDONED THEATRE (YEAR YEARS LATER) - NIGHT
Alan now crawls around the theatre. Jabrio enters with another new baby, which Jenne gladly accepts.

NARRATER
Every year Jabiro brought in a new kid abandoned by society and shunned by his parent.

INT. ABANDONED THEATRE - MONTAGE
Alan is now two years old and walks behind jenne carrying a one year old Jeff, jabrio brings another boy.
Alan (3 years) playing with Jeff (2 years)  while jenny carries Charles (1). jabrio brings yet another kid.
Alan (4 years) playing with Jeff (3 years) and Charles (2 years) and jenny playing with the little Scotty (1)

INT. ABANDONED THEATRE - NIGHT
Alan sit with all the boys. WE can hear the wild screams of pleasure from behind the patched curtains

SCOTTY
(to alan)
Mama

JEFF
(to alan)
What are they doing ?

ALAN
(to jeff)
Nothing you need to know ?

CHARLES
(to alan)
I am hungry

Alan looks in his pockets there is nothing there.

ALAN
(to charles)
I don't have anything.

CHARLES
I am hungry ,food ,foood ,foood.

ALAN
(to charles)
Okay okay be quiet. I will get some.

Alan tiptoes towards the stage where some food is present ,jabiro notices alan through a hole in the curtain

JABIRO (O.S.)
(shouts)
Heey

This startles alan. Jabrio strides towards alan. Alan is frozen in his place.

JABIRO (CONT’D)
What the fuck were you doing answer me boy ?

Alan is completely overwhelmed he cannot do anything.

ALAN
I , I was , I was

Jabrio fiercely slaps alan, alan fall down.

JABIRO
Speak up what the fuck were you doing here ?
Alan cannot speak ,he is frozen.

Jabrio lands a kick at alex ribs. Alex writhes on the floor his mouths open but no voice coming out of it.
Jabrio picks him up.

JABIRO (CONT’D)
Dont make me angry boy.

Jenne scuttles from behind.

JENNE
(to jabrio)
Are you going to kill him ?

Title: Re: Advice on script / Adult Language
Post by: hillwalker3000 on July 31, 2013, 05:21:49 AM

Advice for what it's worth:

1) Dialogue and action need formatting differently. When we read this it's impossible to figure out which is which.

2) I found the plot and your characters' behaviour both unbelievable so I couldn't take this seriously.

3) Try to decide what your main character's name is and stick with it - Jabiro - Jabiru - Jabrio?

H3K

Title: Re: Advice on script / Adult Language
Post by: umair7 on July 31, 2013, 05:32:22 AM

Thanks for taking your time and replying ,you have made some valid points.


Does this screenplay sketches out a clear picture of what is happening, even though you find it unbelievable ? That is the only question ringing in my mind

Title: Re: Advice on script / Adult Language
Post by: hillwalker3000 on July 31, 2013, 06:52:24 AM

From what I can see:

- you have someone finding abandoned babies (one each year) and taking them home to raise them as her own children.

- they name the first baby Alan because it's a nice name (?).

- then 'years years later' Alan who is still only 4 is somehow able to conduct a conversation with a 1-year-old (really?)

- and the child-finder begins attacking the children because they are searching for food in some abandoned theatre they presumably live in.

The picture is clear, but the plot so far is nonsensical I'm afraid.

H3K

Title: Re: Advice on script / Adult Language
Post by: umair7 on July 31, 2013, 07:09:31 AM

Well if the picture is clear, it's well and good for me.
You strike me as logical type of person, let the story flow as the events unfold you might find something magnetic about it,
But you are right I should better present my work
I will be posting my whole story in a short while, I hope the story would make sense then.

Title: Re: Advice on script / Adult Language
Post by: Jackson_Leigh on September 10, 2013, 02:24:13 PM

To be honest it was a pretty messy read. My biggest questions are

1.) Why is the main character bringing home a baby once every year? I feel as though you should give the audience some motivation for this within the first pages of the script.

2.) Where is the character development? It seems as though we are missing vital information from the characters which would define some of their actions. Such as why the mistress is excited about getting a baby every year, and the anger towards the end from the main character.

And when writing the script, please be sure to capitalize each name.

I'm sure that if you were to adjust these problems within your script, it would be an enjoyable read.

Title: Re: Advice on script / Adult Language
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on September 10, 2013, 07:05:57 PM

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=39962.0

The link above might help you format your script.

I'm sorry, but this lost believability right from the start.

Quote

Thunderclaps masking the grating screams of a woman followed by the cries of a newborn
A woman profusely sweating jumps out off the dumpster and limps into the darkness.

It reads as if the woman screaming is giving birth. And then the woman Jumps from the dumpster.

As the mother of four, believe me, the last thing a woman would be able to do after giving birth is climb up to the lip of the dumpster and then jump out of it. Shoot, she would be doing good to even walk in the first several hours after giving birth.


 

Title: Re: Advice on script / Adult Language
Post by: umair7 on October 27, 2013, 01:14:15 PM

Sorry for the late replies I was away.
Alice I would fix the jumping part, thanks for pointing it out.

Jackson
Actually ALAN is the MC these are the first pages of the script and yeah I admit they are quite messy.
But I will make sure to mend the mistakes you pointed out thanks for adivice

Title: Re: Advice on script / Adult Language
Post by: Irshaad on January 10, 2014, 05:27:45 AM

I read it 5 times bcoz of confusion.

startles jabiru

JABIRO
Fuck.

JABIRO (CONT’D)
Ssshhh , shut up

What happened here ? Why did u use continuing.. ? It makes readers confuse.

INT. ABANDONED THEATRE - MONTAGE
Alan is now two years old and walks behind jenne carrying a one year old Jeff, jabrio brings another boy.
Alan (3 years) playing with Jeff (2 years)  while jenny carries Charles (1). jabrio brings yet another kid.
Alan (4 years) playing with Jeff (3 years) and Charles (2 years) and jenny playing with the little Scotty (1)

INT. ABANDONED THEATRE - NIGHT
Alan sit with all the boys. WE can hear the wild screams of pleasure from behind the patched curtains

SCOTTY
(to alan)
Mama

JEFF
(to alan)
What are they doing ?

ALAN is just 4 years, how come he manage 4 little children ?

ALAN is a boy. Right ? But scotty said mama  :-\

Why JIBURO beats ALAN,when he loves children ?


Small mistakes make people confuse..

Title: Re: Advice on script / Adult Language
Post by: umair7 on January 28, 2014, 08:09:04 AM

Sorry, English is not my first language. So Its hard for me convey my story clearly. I am working on my grammar, So it is more understandable

I appreciate all the thoughts.