My Writers Circle

The Coffee Shop => The Gallery => Topic started by: Mark H on May 26, 2013, 08:35:13 AM

Title: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 26, 2013, 08:35:13 AM
My friend Bob

the alien
is staying with me this week.

We sat in the kitchen,
watching breakfast TV news.

Bob waved a tentacle at the screen
and asked: "Stoning to death?"

I turned down the volume.

"The woman will be put in a hole
and covered in soil up to her chest.

Then they will pelt her with stones
until they kill her. The stones

are carefully selected:
they should not be large enough
to kill her immediately. She must

suffer."

Bob grinned and nodded.
"Is she a banker?"

"No.
Just a woman who had sex
(I mean might have had sex)
with a man other than her husband.

She was given fifty lashes,
imprisoned for five years;
now they want to stone her to death."

Bob waved all six tentacles around his head
then leapt to his foot.
"Shit!
I've got to get out of here man.
You humans are nuts!"

I used a paper towel to wipe a puddle
of green slime from Bob's side of the table.

"You can go if you want to, Bob
but the Cartoons will be on in a minute

and I was just going to put on some coffee
and make some toast and jam."

Bob flopped down into his chair.
"What flavour jam?"



Bob the alien had more annoying questions

"How come you Brits
never self-immolate in protest? Bankers' bonuses
surely warrant a few flaming vicars.

And, why does your wife
spend all that money on meal worms
to entice sparrows into the garden,
just so the cat can kill them
and leave a bloody mess on the mat,
which she then grumbles about cleaning up?"

I slapped the table.
"Enough. Stop asking stupid questions."

His proboscis shrivelled and his antennae
quivered like poppies in the breeze.
"I'm just interested, that's all."

"Well I don't know, Okay.
Why do you expect me
to have all the answers?
I'm not God am I?"

Bob stayed silent for a moment;
air bellowed rhythmically in and out of his blow hole.
Then his proboscis came back to life
and wriggled about like one of Medusa's
hairy snakes. He blinked his giant eye
and confessed.

"There is no god."



Faux Pas

I arrived home from the office to find Alien Bob's flying saucer parked on my garage roof.
Martian icicles, like diamond stalactites, hung from the saucer's rim, while a blinking pink
strobe warned potential spaceship-jackers that the anti-tamper-death-ray was engaged.

My neighbour shouted over from his drive: "What's that on your roof, Mark?"

I ignored him and went inside. That damn alien! I'd told him to be discrete.

I found Bob in the lounge, slumped in my chair, drinking my Montepulciano. His ingestion-proboscis
drooped down, the tip submerged in the red liquid. He snorted the wine like a minor celebrity
tooting coke with the big boys.

I stared in disbelief. "What in God's name?"

Bob looked back. "I disgust you don't I?" His flaccid eyelid descended like a roman blind,
then flipped open in a monocular blink. "Is it coz I's green?"

I harrumphed at both the idea, and Bob's crap Ali G impression.
"Actually, Bob, I think lime-green is very attractive."

"Then what? I've slimed all over your Parker Knoll Norton recliner; is that the problem?"

I shook my head. "Nope. That's nothing a man-sized tissue couldn't fix. Anyway,
I'm used to your slime."

Bob's proboscis shrivelled back into his face, like a telescopic bull's pizzle. He hung
his head. "I'm sorry. Whatever I've done I'm truly truly sorry. Please, just tell me."

"I'm sorry too, Bob. I didn't mean to upset you. It's just that I was shocked,
and I admit disappointed,

after all I've taught you,

to find you drinking red wine …

from a Whisky tumbler."
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: 2par on May 26, 2013, 08:53:21 AM
I have no idea what this is but I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Do you have further adventures of Bob and his/it's pal?
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: indar on May 26, 2013, 09:22:20 AM
Bob is back by popular request from those who, while we don't find him entirely loveable, appreciate his candor and find his remarks worthy of some self-reflection.

Thanks Mark.
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: bri h on May 26, 2013, 09:57:00 AM
Ah. now I see. I too love bob. Everyone should have a "bob" in their lives. I loved the, "Is it cos I is green" quote. Reminds me of a racist jibe given to me at the pit. "Brian, there should be no black or whites. Just everyone be green. Only some would be "dark green!" heh heh. I look forward to seeing more of Bob. I wonder if Mark is inviting us to contribute?
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 26, 2013, 11:03:37 AM
2par, There is just one other story, which is about keeping pets and is not yet finished.

indar, Thanks for the prompt.  :)

bri, Feel free to introduce Bob to Yorkshire. He likes to get out and about so make sure he uses his burka.
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: bri h on May 26, 2013, 11:16:02 AM
Am intrigued by bob. Is he just 'bob?' or like ALF(Alien Life Form) is he a b-o-b?
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 26, 2013, 11:24:37 AM
Hi picked the name Bob himself because he's fascinated by palindromes. On his planet they don't use names: they recognise each other from the colourful and aromatic miasma emanating from their blow-holes.
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Oceaxe on May 27, 2013, 06:54:52 AM
Great fun. When is the novel coming?
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 27, 2013, 06:58:42 AM
Hi Oceaxe

Thanks for reading.

Unfortunately I'm far too idle to write a novel.  :)

Mark
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: bri h on May 27, 2013, 07:01:33 AM
Great fun. When is the novel coming?

Wow! Bob's a writer like us? Brilliant.  ;D
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 27, 2013, 07:10:44 AM
The following has been work in progress for god knows how long - over a year at least. Anyway I bolted a ending on, so here it is ...

Pets

Bob said:
"I think you should kill your dog
and eat him.
Save money,
get a delicious, nutritious meal;
… skin two berks with one stone."

This was a strange turn of events. Bob
seemed to love my mutt
and often donned his burka
and took Woof for a walk in the park.

"The saying is: KILL two BIRDS
with one stone," I said.

Bob blinked (predictably).
"That sounds difficult.
How big is the stone?
And why would you kill birds?
You like birds. You trained that duck
to eat bread out of your hand.  
Berks though, you hate berks. That bloke
with the hairy lip that talks about football all the time;
you said he was a berk. You could skin him
with a stone; a sharp stone, like a flint."

I needed to get the discussion back on track
before we went further down the rabbit hole.
"Pets.
Humans don’t eat their pets.
Don’t you have pets on your planet?"

Bob nodded.
"Yep, Humans.
After the cull of 69 …"

"Wo, wo, wo!"
I held up a hand.
"Humans? Cull?"

"Yep humans. Only short ones obviously.
A breeding pair escaped into the wild
(randy little buggers they are you know).
After the cull the council tried to regulate human fancying,
but my parent acquired," (he winked) "a pair.
Gerald and Floppsie.

I adored those cheeky little humans.
So much so that when Gerald died
I kept his tiny pink foot as a lucky key-ring.
Do you want to see it?"

And of course that was the day I discovered
Bob had developed a sense of humour.

The green bastard!
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: bri h on May 27, 2013, 07:13:39 AM
heh heh. Bob is growing on me even more. Do you plan on having a
"Bob for PM" logo party? B
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Amie on May 27, 2013, 12:52:43 PM
Like the latest in the Bob series :)

Isn't it spelled "berk" though?
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: 2par on May 27, 2013, 01:26:04 PM
what's a berk?
Sounds like the Flying Circus
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 27, 2013, 01:31:39 PM
I'm not sure about the spelling. Google has both, though Berkshire Hunt as rhyming slang does seem credible.

M
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: bri h on May 27, 2013, 01:33:52 PM
Berk? (This poster is shocked to find out what it actually means!) I can't repeat verbatim the actual translation cos it uses a word I won't utter here(I sound like Gandalf in LOTR) The literal translation comprises "A Berkshire Hunt, shortened to another 'unt word. (I'm sure you all get me?). Berk seems much softer . . .and kinder. Bri.
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: ma100 on May 27, 2013, 01:49:33 PM
Great read Mark. Loved it. :)
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 27, 2013, 01:53:02 PM
Thanks Ma.

I better go and change birk to berk coz at the moment I feel a right one.
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: ma100 on May 27, 2013, 01:59:36 PM
I'd have spelt it Burk. ::) ;D
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 27, 2013, 02:00:47 PM
Oh no! Not more choices.  ;D
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: bri h on May 27, 2013, 02:30:16 PM
Whenever I think Berk, I see erk, not urk. B

On a humorous note, 'urk,' is usually the noise one makes after seeing a poem I wrote.  ;D
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 28, 2013, 04:39:45 AM
Bob's Haiku

I love the smell of
blow-holes in the morning. Green
slime lubricates life.
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Oceaxe on May 28, 2013, 06:06:06 AM
Yes, Berk, that's how I've always thought of it  :)
Cockney rhyming slang.
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 28, 2013, 06:20:38 AM
Does that mean that cockneys don't pronounce Berkshire Barkshire?
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Amie on May 28, 2013, 12:57:47 PM
I was wondering the same thing. I think the Berkshire thing may be a bit fanciful :)

Do you know you can buy Harvey's Bristol Milk as well as Harvey's Bristol Cream? People think it's a really lame joke when I tell them, but I used to live in Bristol and sometimes saw bottles of the stuff for sale. 20 years ago anyway, no idea if it still exists.

(just thought of it, while on the subject of unlikely rhyming slang :) )
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 28, 2013, 01:16:22 PM
Is Harvey's Bristol Cream rhyming slang?

I remember once when I was in Glasgow a Glaswegian spoke to me. I was in a chip shop so unable to run away. I had no idea what he was on about and keep asking him to repeat. Eventually he started jumping up and down shouting about corned beef.

After he'd gone, the chip shop owner (probably Cypriot) translated for me. Apparently the chap had asked me if I'd see St Mirren play that afternoon and unable to get a reply he'd asked, using Glaswegian rhyming slang if I was deaf or deef in Weegie and hence corned beef.

As far as I know only London and Glasgow have rhyming slang.
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: bri h on May 28, 2013, 03:17:24 PM
Hey Amie. I used to love a drop of HBC I still do and have a bottle in the wine-cellar(cupboard under the stairs, heh heh) Never knew you could get HBM though. B
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: 510bhan on May 28, 2013, 04:07:05 PM
Is Bob related to Roger from American Dad? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34rj8znrJ1k
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 28, 2013, 04:17:53 PM
That is vary alienist of you lumping all aliens in the same boat. They are not even the same colour!!
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: bri h on May 28, 2013, 04:20:48 PM
I know what you mean Mark. She can be so 'Spacé, don't you feel?  ;D
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: 510bhan on May 28, 2013, 04:23:31 PM
Excuse me . . . I am quite alienated  :o and have no problem varying their company. >:(

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: indar on May 28, 2013, 08:15:01 PM
Quote
indar, Thanks for the prompt. 


You are very welcome. It was at just about the point that you posted the above that the thread went over my head.
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Amie on May 28, 2013, 10:43:29 PM
Is Harvey's Bristol Cream rhyming slang?

Not sure whether or not you are joking, but Bristol = breast. From Bristol City, which rhymes with....
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 29, 2013, 11:01:29 AM
Yes I know about titties.  ;)

I thought perhaps Bristol Cream was one I'd missed. It would be great if it Bristol Cream were slang for cream and Bristol Milk, slang for milk! Then cockneys would have to say: Would you like bristol or bristol in your coffee?
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Amie on May 29, 2013, 11:57:11 AM
Not to be too pedantic (okay, okay, I'm being pedantic - sue me ;) ) a but, it would have to stand for something that rhymes with cream and milk, rather than just cream and milk. Like, dream, meme, stream, scheme and bilk, ilk, silk.... Pill'k ?  ;D
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 29, 2013, 12:08:33 PM
Cream does rhyme with cream.

Quote
Rhyme: Noun. Correspondence of sound between words or the endings of words, esp. when these are used at the ends of lines of poetry (or cockney slang).

I added the last bit. But note that it does not explicitly say that the words have to be different.
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Amie on May 29, 2013, 12:15:33 PM
 :P
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: thatollie on May 29, 2013, 12:17:33 PM
Write more of these and PM me when you do because I don't really pay attention to the gallery.
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 29, 2013, 12:21:30 PM
:P

Instead of worrying about my interest in your bristols, you could go and crit my bucolic poem on the other board. That would be much more constructive.  :-* :-*

Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Mark H on May 29, 2013, 12:23:00 PM
Write more of these and PM me when you do because I don't really pay attention to the gallery.

OK but my average is one every 18 months so don't hold your breath!
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: indar on May 29, 2013, 12:29:05 PM
We could have an ALIEN ALERT thread going on the RMP board
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: DGSquared on March 05, 2017, 01:22:32 AM
Four years late to the party on this, Mark but I had to tell you that I absolutely enjoyed this. It reads better than a good South Park show. I see stars for Bob.

Is this in one of your books?

Screenplay, Baby!

~Deb
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: Sherlock on March 10, 2017, 08:28:19 PM
I think Bob is wonderful.  I have met people that reminded me of why I like my dogs better and I might want to send them to Bob's planet as pets.   Maybe Bob would like to break into politics. 
Title: Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
Post by: DGSquared on September 29, 2018, 08:38:13 AM
Bumping Bob because he's a trip. Does he ever phone home?