My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: bowmore bill on January 27, 2013, 03:44:55 PM

Title: Longings {Prose } modified
Post by: bowmore bill on January 27, 2013, 03:44:55 PM
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         Longings



I long to wake to the sound of bird song.

Long to see the first splashes of crimson and gold on dawns blank canvas.

Oh how I long to Tramp the hills.
Breathe deeply the intoxicating smell of pine and the surrounding carpets of heather.
I Long for my youth, the bygone years when my hormones raged and teenage girls cast coy looks in my direction, and whispered secrets.
I Long for my children to be babes once more, to sit my grand-children, one on either knee and tell and them stories that once made my eyes wide with wonder.

I long to rise from this casket of oak and walk once more among the living.

I long for life.

  
Title: Re: Longings {Prose }
Post by: Wolfe on February 10, 2013, 02:30:00 AM
I'm going to get into all kind of trouble for this, but since no one else offered anything . . . I will. And yes, I have experience with poetry too. It's required if you want your prose to sing. So, yes, I studied poetry extensively.

Don't let that get around.

Overall, I really liked it. It reminded me of Angelou's Still I Rise poem, but about the rise and regrets from adulthood and then death. That's a compliment in case you're wondering.

There are a few words that I feel can be added and removed to ease the flow that I'll mark now:

I long to wake to the sound of bird song.

Long to see the crimson and (the) (Comment: added this to emphasize parallelism) gold of sunrise splashed across a blank canvas (Consider continued parallelism and alliteration: the sky).

Tramp the blue mountains (Consider alliteration: hills of home) of home, breathe deeply the intoxicating smell of pine and carpets of heather.

I long for my youth and the bygone years (Comment: loved the alliteration and assonance here) when my hormones raged, when teenage girls cast coy (Comment: love the alliteration here too) looks in my direction and whispered girlie secrets.
 
Oh that my children were children once more
that I could sit my grand-children (grandchildren) one on either (Consider continued parallelism: my) knee, and tell and them the stories that once made my eyes wide with wonder.

I long to rise up from this casket of oak and walk once more among (Comment: Again, wonderful alliteration) the living.

I long for life. (Consider:

I long

For life.)

(Please now note the double meaning emphasized when the lines are separated.)


Overall, I really like it. Well done. Sad, but I like tragic endings. :)
Title: Re: Longings {Prose }
Post by: bowmore bill on February 10, 2013, 04:33:25 AM
     Hi Wolfie. Firstly let me commend you on your bravery.

Many thanks for taking time to read and comment, I thought perhaps this one had a virus.

Finally. Thank.you for your favourable comments.
Title: Re: Longings {Prose } modified
Post by: La Mouquette on February 10, 2013, 03:52:04 PM
  A very beautiful poem, and a moving one too.

Loved it.    La M
Title: Re: Longings {Prose } modified
Post by: bowmore bill on February 10, 2013, 06:48:11 PM
Thank you friend, its always nice when someone enjoys what you have written.

Thank you also for taking time to read and comment. xx
Title: Re: Longings {Prose } modified
Post by: tjm024 on February 10, 2013, 08:32:34 PM
Hello bowmore bill, you have some great descriptives going on here, not Angelou by any means however, keep writing you never know. :)
Title: Re: Longings {Prose } modified
Post by: bowmore bill on February 11, 2013, 08:12:31 AM
Thank u 24 .
Title: Re: Longings {Prose } modified
Post by: AntonioM on February 11, 2013, 11:46:07 PM
Hey Bow, this needs some serious work. 1st and foremost, the dead do not long for anything (traditionally). If you want to end with a show stopper, the surprise into the casket should come after much more lively active/descriptive characterization of the longings. Adding a reason/memory associated with each of the longings could do wonders for the work. Giving the speaker less of a corpse-like image by creating the reality of his living world, not just the one of his regret-filled afterlife.
Use of the aside "Breathe deeply the. . ." could work well if used strategically throughout a revised piece, in between the lines of rest of the lament.

Ultimately, give the reader a reason to care about the dead person's longings by creating more of a person than just one speaking from the coffin in a literal sense. Best wishes.