My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: -_- on December 23, 2012, 05:51:25 PM

Title: Your Smile
Post by: -_- on December 23, 2012, 05:51:25 PM
Your smile
was from a time,
when 'punk' wasn't so mainstream.
A time when the villagers would see
Us on their way to
Church; shake their heads. Wonder where our mothers were.
Oh, but she was in my heart and she was the best.
(Most of the time).

She would have me at 17, but willed me to fade away.
And spent the rest of her life failing to feel
Guilty about that.
Your smile is from a time before her.
Or maybe a different time completely.

But men, men who drive us apart in their
Fords; and break our hearts - it's hard to remember that whatever falls gets broken.
But will he be there to catch you?
Or take your own self and
SLAM
shut the fortress of your body, and leave you there dry?

Men are always from our time,
Watching your smile,
Clumsy hands sliding between thighs.
Title: Re: Your Smile
Post by: StrangeMercy on December 23, 2012, 09:47:28 PM
Interesting. Slightly disturbing.

I really like the final stanza actually and the line about the villagers. I think L9-11 and L17-19 looses the thread a little and is not as strong as it could be. I would think about how to make the metaphors stronger and I am not too sure I like 'when punk wasn't so mainstream', but at the same time it works too - - -

Strange
X
Title: Re: Your Smile
Post by: drab on December 23, 2012, 10:16:40 PM
Yes, most men are the same, if you isolate certain traits.
That said, IMO this is a rather good poem.
It's worthy of more attention, too telly in parts.
But very enjoyable none the less.
Well done.
Title: Re: Your Smile
Post by: -_- on December 24, 2012, 07:47:36 AM
Thanks guys, some great feedback :)
Title: Re: Your Smile
Post by: duck on December 24, 2012, 08:10:03 AM
Hi
I enjoyed this though it wandered around a bit. I would remove all the unnecessary capitals at the beginning of lines.
In stanza 1 it has to be assumed that 'she' in line 7 is your mother. In line 6 there are at least two mothers.
I don't get the reference to mother and 17.
I also got a bit lost as who all the pronouns were referring to - he, us, our, you, etc.
Title: Re: Your Smile
Post by: 510bhan on December 25, 2012, 10:24:16 PM
Not sure what your intended image is with slamming shut the fortress of someone's body. A fortress for me is something impenetrable -- unless you let the drawbridge down :-\