My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Script => Topic started by: Angeleyes on September 10, 2006, 10:12:14 AM

Title: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Angeleyes on September 10, 2006, 10:12:14 AM
Hi. I'm not sure if I have anything here. Script writing is something I have wanted to try for a long while. As yet there isn't much dialogue, it's more setting the scene.
Any pointer in the right direction would be really great. If it's rubbish, let me know where I have gone wrong. Thanks.


FADE IN:
(IT’S DECEMBER 24TH AT 6PM. SNOW IS BEGINNING TO FALL.
COLIN IS WORKING IN A SMALL GARAGE. HE IS WORKING UNDERNEATH AN OLD FORD FIESTA. ALL YOU CAN SEE ARE THE ENDS OF HIS LEGS. NO-ONE ELSE IS AROUND. A NEON LIGHT THAT SAYS ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS’ FLICKERS IN THE DIRTY WINDOW OF THE GARAGE. MUSIC CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. ‘DRIVING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS’ BY CHRIS REA IS PLAYING. )
COLIN : Oh for Gods sake!

HE APPEARS FROM UNDER THE CAR AND TURNS OFF THE RADIO.
COLIN : (Laughing to himself) Well, no-one is going to be driving you home for Christmas, that’s for sure. (He kicks the tyre.)
A WOMAN APPEARS AT THE DOOR OF THE GARAGE. COLIN LOOKS STARTLED.
COLIN: Can I help you?
SOPHIE : Well, I wasn’t sure if anyone would still be working now. Especially as its Christmas Eve.
COLIN : (GRUNTS) Not all of us have families to go home to.

SOPHIE : I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to……what I meant was…I mean, my car has packed up. It just stopped dead just down the road. Do you think you’d be able to have a look at it?
COLIN : (STILL WIPING HIS OILY HANDS ON THE RAG) Sure. I’ll take a look.
SOPHIE : Oh, thank you. You’re my knight in shining armour.
COLIN : I haven’t fixed it yet!
SOPHIE GIGGLES AND TURNS HER FACE AWAY FROM COLIN.

   

FADE IN:
THE HIGH STREET. CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS CAN BE SEEN GLOWING SOFTLY. THE SNOW IS BEGINNING TO GET HEAVIER.
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Katie S on September 11, 2006, 01:43:27 AM
for someone who has never done this, WOAH that was amazing. well look who's talking haha i stink HA. :-\
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Spherical Time on September 11, 2006, 02:07:13 AM
Your sense of the scene is very good, and I think that you convey it very well.  At the beginning of scripts, often writers give a description of their characters' appearances, and I'd really like to see some introduction of Sophie and Colin.  Is Sophie a teenager, and is Colin a middle-aged man?  Can you say what they look like?
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Angeleyes on September 11, 2006, 05:29:41 AM
for someone who has never done this, WOAH that was amazing. well look who's talking haha i stink HA. :-\

Thanks Katie, you're a sweetie! I'm sure you work doesn't stink!
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Angeleyes on September 11, 2006, 05:35:53 AM
Your sense of the scene is very good, and I think that you convey it very well.  At the beginning of scripts, often writers give a description of their characters' appearances, and I'd really like to see some introduction of Sophie and Colin.  Is Sophie a teenager, and is Colin a middle-aged man?  Can you say what they look like?

Thank you so much Spherical Time (great name!). Do you know if you describe the character as he is mentioned, for example:
HE APPEARS FROM UNDER THE CAR AND TURNS OFF THE RADIO. HE IS THIRTY ONE YEARS OLD HAS  MESSY, SHOULDER LENGTH HAIR AND A STUBBLY BEARD. HIS DIRTY WHITE T-SHIRT SHOWS OFF HIS TONED PHYSYQUE.

Or, something like that? And do you do that for every new character who is introduced? Sorry for asking so many questions.


Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Dave Driver on September 11, 2006, 07:24:53 AM
I enjoyed it and would like to know more.

Who is she?

Where`s she going?

Is there going to be a brutal murder?

Is she a vampire?

Enough questions! Well done.

Dave
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: ChipTee on September 11, 2006, 11:38:20 AM
Angeleyes - yes, you do have something here; a great opening with a lot of atmosphere and throwing up the challenge of where it will lead us.

As ever there are format points, but they can wait as it is already recogniseable as a script. There is a current debate going on in the Script Factory daily Screenwriting Bulletins about the use of capitals in a script - with more than one opinion.

Like it, Chip
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Angeleyes on September 11, 2006, 12:46:35 PM
I enjoyed it and would like to know more.

Who is she?

Where`s she going?

Is there going to be a brutal murder?

Is she a vampire?

Enough questions! Well done.

Dave

Thanks for liking it Dave! But what have you gone and done to me?.. Only given me more ideas than I can cope with!lol. It's a scene taken from my childrens book, but the idea of a brutal murder or vampires seems a lot more interesting!!Hhmmm, off now to have a re-think....thanks again!
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Angeleyes on September 11, 2006, 12:49:50 PM
Angeleyes - yes, you do have something here; a great opening with a lot of atmosphere and throwing up the challenge of where it will lead us.

As ever there are format points, but they can wait as it is already recogniseable as a script. There is a current debate going on in the Script Factory daily Screenwriting Bulletins about the use of capitals in a script - with more than one opinion.

Like it, Chip

Hi Chip, and thank you so much for your input. It's the formatting I think I'm having problems with.

The Script Factory daily Screenwriting Bulletins sound interesting. Where can I go to read them? The more info I can collect, the better!

Cheers Chip.   :D
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: ChipTee on September 11, 2006, 01:25:31 PM
Angeleyes,

Re: Scriptfactory - I get a little muddled which organisation is which, but you could lokk at:

www.scriptfactory.co.uk
www.screenwriterstore.co.uk

I think the screenwriter bulletin is a cooperation between the two. I think I pay for it! Much in it is of little interest, but it flags up training courses, books and debates on such as formating. Also (when your script is written) requests for - mostly short - scripts. I regularly send off -  and never hear anything!

There is also www.npa.org.uk - although it is the New Producers Alliance it also covers writers.

All those mentioned above organise courses on screenwriting. Some are good, all cost.

If you look on Amazon there are many books on screenwriting. Others may be able to advise what is best.

Hope this doesn't overwhelm you.  Chip

Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Angeleyes on September 11, 2006, 03:08:30 PM
Thanks again Chip, I will give the sites a look.  ;D

I'm not sure if I'm in way over my head, but I find this sort of writing more enjoyable. So who knows where I might end up.
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Katie S on September 11, 2006, 08:07:35 PM
Thanks Katie, you're a sweetie! I'm sure you work doesn't stink!
lol it does i stink i just made this dumb poem called the lonely soul HAHA...
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Dave Driver on September 12, 2006, 04:28:58 AM
Angeleyes

That`s just typical,a childrens book and I`m thinking a brutal murder.Sorry!!

When I read it,it conjured up a scene in my head about a killer or a vampire.I think there`s a lot of
scope with vampires.They can be cool,sexy,brutal and kind.I got some ideas written down on a vampire themes myself  but haven`t done anything with them yet and could also pass on a few websites if your interested.

She could belong to a vampire sect or could be escaping from them.

But wait...no..he could be the killer or the vampire!!!!

I`m going before you shout at me.

Dave
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Angeleyes on September 12, 2006, 11:23:01 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D

You know Dave. I am seriously thinking of changing what i was going to write now. Vampires are sooooo much more interesting to read and write about. I don't know if you know a member called Grognoth, but he wrote a fantastic story about vampires. If you want, I will PM the link to his website. It really is worth a read if you like that sort of thing!
I'd like to take you up on the offer of the websites you know of! Thanks for that.  ;D



Quote
She could belong to a vampire sect or could be escaping from them.

But wait...no..he could be the killer or the vampire!!!!

Hehe, that's what I like.....keeping people guessing!  :D
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Dave Driver on September 12, 2006, 02:17:10 PM
Angeleyes

I`d like to check out Grognoth`s website so go ahead with that.

Vampires are cool,there`s so much scope to go at.

I`ve got a few ideas of my own,but I`m going to finish my ongoing project first.

I think a new approach would work,Hammer`s old hat and Buffy and Angel style has already been done.

Anne Rice seems top of the tree in the novels.

Here`s a few websites:

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/vampire

excellent for research of vampire lore and tales from other countries.

www.vampires.nu/

Another good site with a section on vampires terms.Which is useful for correct wording.

Found these but my french and german are c**p.

www.vampires-fr.com/

www.vampires.at/

Hope this helps you out.

Beware when using public transport.Psychic vampires travel on them everyday,draining people`s minds.

Goodluck

Dave

P.S.
Becareful where you tred in the vampire world,you only have 8 pints of blood.






 
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Dave Driver on September 12, 2006, 03:34:14 PM
Angeleyes

While we`ve got vampires on the brain,I`ve just had a thought.

When little old Oliver marched to the front of the workhouse and said,"Please Sir can I have some more?" Mr Bumble went berserk.

But imagine his response if Oliver had bared fangs,shouted "Okay I`ll settle for your blood then." And ripped out his throat.

Okay I`m going now,the green van with the square wheels is waiting for me outside.

Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Iwrite2breathe on September 12, 2006, 11:03:35 PM
Angeleyes

You have a great start here and I wanted to know more, more, more!!
(and that's the mark of a good start - pulling us in, wanting more!)

As a playwright, and I think this goes as well for scriptwriters, and I'm in
the US mind you, so what I say is probably backwardass b/c of our prez, but
I digress - I won't go there.   >:(   :-[

mmm, okay, as a playwright, an list of characters and their ages, sizes,
features, relationships to each other, is always after the title page and/or
synopsis.

One exercise I learned in playwrighting class, it's called Etudes.
you can write an Etude for everything, basically, for a character, it's
their back story. Where they were born, what kind of childhood,
teen years, specific moments (if you have the time and really want
to delve into the phych of your character) everything. Write scenes
with your characters and people who are real - the president of a
big corporation, the pastor of a church. just to see how your characters
interact.
Basically, what the prof said was to let the characters tell you what and
who they are.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
There are tons of books about script writing and exercises to get
your script where you want it to go.

Hope I helped a little!

Can't wait to read the next scene - vampires or cute little teddy bears -
whichever, I'm on the edge of my seat!!
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Spherical Time on September 13, 2006, 01:34:32 AM
Thank you so much Spherical Time (great name!). Do you know if you describe the character as he is mentioned, for example:
HE APPEARS FROM UNDER THE CAR AND TURNS OFF THE RADIO. HE IS THIRTY ONE YEARS OLD HAS  MESSY, SHOULDER LENGTH HAIR AND A STUBBLY BEARD. HIS DIRTY WHITE T-SHIRT SHOWS OFF HIS TONED PHYSYQUE.

Or, something like that? And do you do that for every new character who is introduced? Sorry for asking so many questions.
Yes, that's perfect.  You want to describe outside appearance.

And, yes, do that every time a character is introduced.  At least, if you were writing a television or movie script you would.
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: ChipTee on September 13, 2006, 03:06:34 AM
Angeleyes - you didn't know what a touch paper you were lighting when you posted this.

I've enjoyed the Vampire exchanges, but not being into fangs and blood too much - might the story be a 'Christmas Carol' take with the mechanic being the Scrooge part and the young motorist a spirit of Christmas past or future?

Chip
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Angeleyes on September 13, 2006, 04:39:06 AM
Angeleyes

You have a great start here and I wanted to know more, more, more!!
(and that's the mark of a good start - pulling us in, wanting more!)

As a playwright, and I think this goes as well for scriptwriters, and I'm in
the US mind you, so what I say is probably backwardass b/c of our prez, but
I digress - I won't go there.   >:(   :-[

mmm, okay, as a playwright, an list of characters and their ages, sizes,
features, relationships to each other, is always after the title page and/or
synopsis.

One exercise I learned in playwrighting class, it's called Etudes.
you can write an Etude for everything, basically, for a character, it's
their back story. Where they were born, what kind of childhood,
teen years, specific moments (if you have the time and really want
to delve into the phych of your character) everything. Write scenes
with your characters and people who are real - the president of a
big corporation, the pastor of a church. just to see how your characters
interact.
Basically, what the prof said was to let the characters tell you what and
who they are.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
There are tons of books about script writing and exercises to get
your script where you want it to go.

Hope I helped a little!

Can't wait to read the next scene - vampires or cute little teddy bears -
whichever, I'm on the edge of my seat!!


WOW, what a mine of information you are! Thank you!! It's very helpful to receive this sort of information as I a total novice to this sort of writing, so every little helps.
I think I know which direction this is going to go but I'm not going to let the cat out of the bag just yet. :D I'm hoping to post some more later today, so keep watching and let me know what you think.

Thanks again!
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Angeleyes on September 13, 2006, 04:41:10 AM
Angeleyes

While we`ve got vampires on the brain,I`ve just had a thought.

When little old Oliver marched to the front of the workhouse and said,"Please Sir can I have some more?" Mr Bumble went berserk.

But imagine his response if Oliver had bared fangs,shouted "Okay I`ll settle for your blood then." And ripped out his throat.

Okay I`m going now,the green van with the square wheels is waiting for me outside.




I take it you love vampires!!  ;D :D  I have decided which way the story will go, but I'm not saying just yet! hehe. You will have to read and find out!!
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Angeleyes on September 13, 2006, 04:45:36 AM
Yes, that's perfect.  You want to describe outside appearance.

And, yes, do that every time a character is introduced.  At least, if you were writing a television or movie script you would.

Hi again. Thanks for taking the time to look at this again. You have been more than helpful!  ;D  I'm starting to think more along the lines of a movie script. It's just that the pictures in my head play out like a movie...but then again, writing for tv can be just as good! Aarrrrggh! How on earth do you decide whis is the best format to write in?? :-\
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Angeleyes on September 13, 2006, 04:51:47 AM
Angeleyes - you didn't know what a touch paper you were lighting when you posted this.

I've enjoyed the Vampire exchanges, but not being into fangs and blood too much - might the story be a 'Christmas Carol' take with the mechanic being the Scrooge part and the young motorist a spirit of Christmas past or future?

Chip

 ;D ;D ;D

I have decided which way this is going to go, but I'm not saying just yet.

I don't really want to put all of my ideas on the boards, but if anyone is interested in listening to my ideas, please feel free to PM me. Perhaps I'm being too cautious, I don't know.
My main worry is that I have a great character from my book and I like the name I have given him. I'd love to get some imput on it, but at the same time, I don't want to share with just anyone. Am I making sense?  :-\
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: actpoet1 on September 18, 2006, 06:27:45 PM
AE:

I agree with the helpful comments that everyone else already said. Only suggestion I have is to write in the active tense. For example, "Coling works" instead of "COLIN IS WORKING." Other than that, good job. If you get a chance, please read my posting. Oh, yeah, I'm new at this too.
Title: Re: My first ever attempt at this...
Post by: Angeleyes on December 28, 2006, 09:21:59 AM
OK, first things first...(http://www.coolsmileys.net/bonk/slap.gif)....there, that's better!

Seriously thought Dave, thanks for the compliment. I haven't done any more with this. So thanks for the kick up the backside. I might just have another go now. ;D