My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Script => Topic started by: absorb21 on November 13, 2012, 02:56:15 PM

Title: Short complete script
Post by: absorb21 on November 13, 2012, 02:56:15 PM
ennui and cadence by Luis perez

Young woman, ENNUI, lying in bed, as alarm clock blares.
Insert: tight frame on her face, her blank stare then Medium Frame: she lies still for a second more in bed, takes a deep breath and gets up.
Med. shot of Ennui seated at breakfast table in pajamas, with her head down on the table next to a cereal bowl
Tight flash to the cereal bowl, overfull with milk
Medium Frame: Ennui takes another deep breath, sips from her bowl and gets up.
Ext./Bus stop/morning
Ennui, head down, eyes shut
Int./Bus/morning then on the bus with head down eyes shut
Ennui, head down eyes shut
Ennui sits at her cubicle with her office phone held tightly against her face
                              Cut to:
Close up reveals her eyes are shut and the phone-cord is unplugged
With her eyes closed Ennui thinks about how her mother and friends have been reaching out to her
In her head:
Ext./front of her building/Black and White
   Ennui recalls how her mother surprised her in the street begging her to get help
You need help, Why donít you get help? What are you doing?!
In Flashes:
Dead plants in her apartment then a clouded fish bowl
In her head:
Ext./front of her building/evening Black and White no audio
Her mother is shouting at her in slow motion, (desperately)
Mother throws a business card at her
Mother throws a framed picture at her
Mother throws a Tupperware of food at her
Mother walks away wiping her tears, Ennui is not phased
                           Cut to:
Ext./Bus/moments later
In a panic Ennui signals the bus to stop, gets off, and runs away from the bus
Medium frame: Ennui sits on a park bench watching children on the playground then turns to the hair on her forearm as a breeze passes over
Tight shot of her examining the hair on her arms, she caresses them
She smiles and darts her gaze to a resting bike rider drinking from water bottle
With a slow full breath she gets up
Ext./Front of her building/ later that evening
Ennui wipes her bike down
Ext./street/ later that evening
She unsteadily rides her bike
Ext./Park bench/evening
Ennui watches children at the playground and the biker from earlier interrupts
You know your tires are low?
He continues to put air in both of her tires
Ext./street/ later that evening
Close up on Ennui pumping the bike pedals, zoom out to her face smiling and wind rushing in her hair
Int./kitchen/ night
She drinks a full, tall glass of water and proceeds to clean the kitchen
Ext./street/ morning
Ennui takes a quick deep breath and gets on her bike, she rides down the street
Ext./street/ morning
She notices buildings and people commuting to work
She notices children watching her
She is nodded to by fellow bikers
She notices their biking equipment
                              Cut to:
Ext./office building / morning
Ennui holds her bike still as she thinks about what to do with it
Ext./alley/ morning
She leaves the bike behind a dumpster
Int./office/ morning
She drinks heavily from the fountain
Was that you on the bike?
Ennui smiles and nods as she wipes the sweat from her brow
Ext./street/ dusk
Ennui rides home
Int./bed/ night
Tight on her smile then medium on her, with her arms and legs stretched out, a bandage on her leg
Ext./street/ morning
She parks her bike at work and then notices her bus she checks her watch to confirm she beat it
Int./office/ morning
Öyeah, I really need to get a road bike, the gears would make such a difference, but I did beat my bus again today...
Ext./outside bike shop/ dusk
Ennui stares at the empty spot behind the dumpster realizing her bike has been stolen, she walks away
Ext./bike shop/ later that evening
Ennui exits a bike shop with a new bike, a helmet, lock, backpack and strobe light on her leg strap
Ext./street/ evening
Ennui rides home on the new bike at a strong pace, close up on her intense focused expression
Ext./street intersection/ evening
Ennui rides confidently into the turning lane for automobiles. There is a car to her left also waiting for the light. A close up of her large, shy grin, turned away from the car next to her
Ext./street/ evening
As she rides an automobile rushes past her, the sound is loud here of the engine fading in, climaxing, then fading away as the car passes her
Ext./street/ morning
Ennui, in full bike gear, waits on the street, on her bike, for the light to change.  When it does the large city bus next to her, revs its engine and drives away.
Close up on exhaust from the bus muffler blowing on Ennuiís calf
Close up on Ennuiís face, eyes closed grimacing with pain
Wide over-head (birdís eye) shot of cars driving through the intersection as Ennui remains still on her bike, her head down
Close up on Ennuiís face Ennui smiles now, takes a breath and begins to go.
Title: Re: Short complete script
Post by: hillwalker3000 on November 13, 2012, 05:22:00 PM
An enjoyable enough read but not much happens (which I assume is the point of the piece - and your MC's name).
The lack of dialogue also makes this more visual than aural which might translate better onto film than onto the page.

Title: Re: Short complete script
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on November 17, 2012, 11:17:59 AM
Consider reading this handy reference for formatting your script.,39962.0.html
Title: Re: Short complete script
Post by: bpalmerlee on March 06, 2013, 12:55:53 AM
Interesting for sure. A prof of mine once told me that no play is about the day nothing happened. This is the beginning of an idea, and a good one, I bet. But, on the whole this is about the day nothing happened, and as an audience member, I would have a hard time watching something without an arc.
Title: Re: Short complete script
Post by: Project ATL on March 06, 2013, 04:30:07 PM
I don't really like it, you must work on it much more!! ;D It kinda put me to sleep. ^_^  :P
Title: Re: Short complete script
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on March 06, 2013, 08:05:20 PM
The original posted, absorb21, has not been active here since this was posted almost 4 months ago.

So I am locking this thread so people will not waste their time offering feedback.