My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Work => Topic started by: Wigglyworm on December 29, 2005, 08:50:16 AM

Title: The Snotters Chapter One
Post by: Wigglyworm on December 29, 2005, 08:50:16 AM
It's a childrens story, from JC's description I guess it's fantasy too...

My thoughts on my story. 

What I find difficult is the Snotters need to be described and explained.  Unless I do a long prologue ‘telling’ all about them, which I think will loose the reader before they've even started, I need to write it into the story.  Here is were I come to one of my difficulties, as soon as I start to tell it drags you out of the world of the Snotters.  I guess it could be ok as an opener, but not acceptable throughout the story.  Maybe I should look at a way of writing it into the dialogue?   :-\

All suggestions welcome.
Title: Re: The Snotters Chapter One
Post by: BiancaMiller13 on December 29, 2005, 09:14:59 AM
Printing off now, will read through the day and hopefully will reply tonight.
Title: Re: The Snotters Chapter One
Post by: BiancaMiller13 on December 29, 2005, 08:26:42 PM
Not your detailed version yet, but I have some suggestions.  I see what you mean about felling like you have to explain them.  Even though you were conscious of this, I felt like you were still telling us the story instead of letting it happen.  I have a quick  crit version I'd like you to ponder before I go into great detail.   It will require some possible rewrite??? Is that OK?  Well here I go regardless ;D
Take your first Paragraph and start with
The human villagers of La Romieu (a small commune in South West France,)[omit...sets up they are not human] unknowingly, have lived side by side with (these)[omit] strange and mischievous creatures long out of the memory of any living Snotter and this(,)[add] in Snotter terms, is forever.  Snotters live deep within the old stone walls of the ancient houses[sets up they are samll creatures}
[continue by adding in the previous in story form please. Show them in action to describe them.  Too dictational, distracts the reader.][/b]

(The eldest of the three siblings)[set up a setting that includes 3 snotters then go into this] is Glib, a (serious)[omit, show us he is serious,you do that quite well later] and (sinewy)[watch this we were told they are all skinny if you decide to keep that.  Either they are all skinny or have differnt body shapes.] young male who has been Snotting for over fifteen full moons and 250 nights; the (required)[how close to this requirment, exactlly?? Just a little more?] number of nights before any Snotter is judged experienced enough by the Elders to take out a (Greensnotter)[make better sense if you divide the words to help imply it's meaning](, a probationer)[omit]. 

The Greensnotter is his brother, Globber, and the youngest of the three siblings;( he is only 26 full months old and)[omit too much detail not needed right now] (is small for his age) [same as sinewy, already described as one way, cannot change that not unless you change the beginnig].  He has the same fine pale blonde hair and wide pale amber eyes as his brother (and sister)[we don't know this part yet because we haven't met her yet].  Globber was both excited and frightened, as they sat in the semi-dark and looked down into the bedroom.  He had barely listened to the anxious words of his mother as she lined her three offspring up, pointing a long finger first at Glib and then Glimmer, lecturing them on how they didn’t leave him on his own for a moment, how all three stay together, especially in descent.  Then she turned on Globber holding his chin in her hand like a baby, if anything bad happens stay with Glib and don’t climb into any shoes, not under any circumstance! [getting stronger here.  You showed great dialogue later in the story, don't just tell us the conversation, give us some of it.  Just enough to show their family roles, give them some personalities.]

Squinting into the (half-dark)[can the dark really be spilt in half? ;D], he hardly noticed the overcrowded bedroom; he had been told the human boy and girl are sharing the bedroom temporarily while their parents are renovating the old house.[we kinda just got here, give us some detail about this...p'haps going through the old keyholes to get nto the room.  You can even express some of Globber's fears of being descovered by their enimies, and how practical and serious Glib is.]  Globber barely contemplated the life of the children below; he is too preoccupied.  He needed to concentrate hard to keep his eyes unlit, his mind whirled in fear and excited anticipation.  First to the children far below and his upcoming first ever Snot and then it flit back to the Test of the Elders. 

When left naturally a Snotter’s eyes light up in darkness, only with a great deal of practice do they learn to turn them out.  Globber had not long mastered turning his eyes out and, despite hours of practice, most times he could only darken them slowly like a dimmer switch.{ I concluded this already on my own due to Gloober having to concentrate so hard on keeping his eyes dim.  These words just sit here]

Look at this and see how you can rework the beginning to get the story going.  I really believe that when you change into the story format for the beginning the rest will flow. Remember, You have to get the story moving.  Sometimes we get caught up in our readers understanding everything about our characters right away that we feel like we just have to tell them.  It will come in due time.  How much more will you character grow if you lay it all out on the line in chapter one?  I'll get the rest tomorrow.  Hope this bit helps!!!
Title: Re: The Snotters Chapter One
Post by: Wigglyworm on December 30, 2005, 03:19:43 AM
Hi JC,

Thanks for the Crit.

I know this first chapter has a narrating part to it and I just couldn't get the story going without doing it.  So far I've written 17,000 words and found I stopped writing because I kept going back to this first chapter and knew it was wrong which frustrated me.  OK as part of the Synopsis perhaps but not the story.

If you do the rest of the chapter, that's very good of you, but if you don't that's fine too.  You've certainly prodded me in the right direction and am chomping at the bit now....  ;D

With grateful thanks,
Title: Re: The Snotters Chapter One
Post by: BiancaMiller13 on January 13, 2006, 12:11:12 PM
Hiya Worm...
Hey I wanted to give you a little boost today and hope you see this soon...I went over your story concept with my son...will be nine at the end of the month... and He said let's go get it at the library.  I had to explain that this was a new story that someone I knew was writing.  I asked him some questions about what he thought.  He thinks the idea is "SWEET".(really cool)  He is interested in a Snotter and wonders if this has to do with snot.(yeah gotta love the way they think)  I told him that I would let you know about this and he said that he wants me to read him anything you write about them.  I hope this sets you on a nice little happy cloud.
Best wishes...
Title: Re: The Snotters Chapter One
Post by: Rodders on January 13, 2006, 03:47:43 PM
I seem to be a bit of a numpty as I can't find the actual story. Can you point me in the right direction please? ???