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Workshop => Review My Script => Topic started by: Dawn on March 02, 2012, 10:09:44 AM

Title: My first script. updated thread 50
Post by: Dawn on March 02, 2012, 10:09:44 AM
EXT. Suburban street - day

We're driving down a suburban tree line street. Kids are playing in the front gardens. There is an ice cream van parked up with a huge queue of children and parents waiting in line.

INT. JESSICA'S BEDROOM.

Jessica a pretty 30 year old brunette is getting up out of bed. There is a beeping noise coming from a thermometer she is holding. Her husbandMatt 35 is lying in bed stretching his arms out and yawning.


MATT

Come back to bed Jess, it's a Sunday.


Matt pats the pulled back bed covers.

JESS

I'm up now. Want some bacon?

Jess grabs her robe of the chair in the corner of the room, puts it on and heads to the bathroom. Matt looks sad.

INT. BATHROOM.

Jessica places the thermometer on the sink and opens up the bathroom cabinet we focus in on the rows of pregnancy tests lined up in order. She rummages for a while and takes out a glass bottle labeled folic acid and tips out on of the tablets out on the palm of her hand and pops it into her mouth. Jess walks over to a calender which is stuck on the bathroom door, takes the marker from underneath and writes 37.8 in a box marked temp.


JESS

It's up again Matt

INT. BEDROOM.

Matt tilts his head back and sighs.

MATT

Well fingers crossed hun.

INT. BATHROOM

Jess takes off her robe and starts to run the shower. She looks at herself in the mirror and analyzes the size of her breast. Jess strokes her stomach.




Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: 510bhan on March 02, 2012, 10:21:36 AM
Hi alfiemama -- not sure who 'we' are in the opening -- just a vehicle driving past to set the scene and bring the viewer to Jess and Matt's house? :-[ Don't know if that's an issue or not.

Noce touch with all the little kid references/ice cream van etc to foreshadow.

I like the scene, can visualise it and already have a feeling for the players. ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Dawn on March 02, 2012, 10:38:38 AM
That's in Sio. I wasn't sure how you show it though. ??? I want the camera to be following a vehicle but pan in on the kids and the icecream van.

Thanks for the comments, means a lot ;)
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: 510bhan on March 02, 2012, 11:02:23 AM
Is the vehicle being followed relevant later in any way? Does the vehicle belong to a character we're subsequently introduced to?

If not I'd just open with perhaps the ice-cream van pulling up in a neighbourhood, then it could 'see' the scenery outside . . . haven't a clue how that's done or whose POV it would be :-[
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: midnight candle on March 02, 2012, 11:26:21 AM
Quote
EXT. Suburban street - day

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

Quote
We're driving down a suburban tree line street. Kids are playing in the front gardens. There is an ice cream van parked up with a huge queue of children and parents waiting in line.

Suburban street noted already - superfluous here. Maybe a shot of the street from the car as it drives past is a better way of showing. So...

Right now my kids are driving me nuts, so I'll come back later.

Daryl
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Dawn on March 02, 2012, 11:33:07 AM
Thanks Daryl. Yes I can see what you mean about suburban.

Thanks Sio.

Here is a little bit more from the scene. Do you think this flows and is believable? Can you picture the scene? Thanks






INT. BEDROOM

Matt gets out of bed and walks over to the window. He watches the children playing outside for a second. He then walks over to the free standing mirror and poses looking at his beer gut. He then peers at his eyes and touches his wrinkles around his eyes.

MATT

Geoff says I've put weight on my Belly.

Matt jiggles his belly skin up and down.

Jess walks in wet with a towel wrapped around her and walks up behind him. She playfully pats his belly.

JESS

There's nothing wrong with your belly. It's what attracted me to you in the first place.

Matt turns his head and tries to kiss Jess.

JESS

I'm all wet Matt, don't.

Jess breaks away and walks over to the dressing table. She picks up a jar of face cream and dots it on her face and proceeds to massage in the cream. Matt walks out of the room. Jess turns to say something, but sees that he is no longer in the room. She gets up and walks over to her wardrobe and takes out a carrier bag. She then pulls out a new white babygrow and smells it, hugging it close to her face. She then kneels down and takes out a box from under her bed and places it on the bed. Lifting the lid on the box she carefully lifts up a layer of tissue paper and places the babygrow on top of all the other babygrows and clothes in the box. CUE NOISE On hearing a noise she quickly puts the tissue back in place and puts the lid on the box. Kneeling down again she slides it back under the bed and pulls the bed sheets into place. She stands up quickly as Matt enters the room with a cup in his hand.

Matt places the cup down on the bedside cabinet.

MATT

Brought you a brew hun.

JESS

Thanks love

Jess takes a sip from the cup.

JESS

Listen, I was thinking why not invite Richard and Yvonne for Dinner Friday night. It's been ages since we've seen them. What do you think?







Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Dawn on March 02, 2012, 02:42:37 PM
Is the vehicle being followed relevant later in any way? Does the vehicle belong to a character we're subsequently introduced to?

If not I'd just open with perhaps the ice-cream van pulling up in a neighbourhood, then it could 'see' the scenery outside . . . haven't a clue how that's done or whose POV it would be :-[

Sorry Sio, just seen this question. No the vehicle isn't relevant at all. It's just to show the scenery around them. Mainly focusing on the kids which is a key part to the plot.
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Maimi on March 06, 2012, 04:13:12 PM
Alfiemama,

I must say, you're ahead of where I was when I first tried screenwriting. Good job. And good going getting to the problem your characters face. :)

No the vehicle isn't relevant at all. It's just to show the scenery around them. Mainly focusing on the kids which is a key part to the plot.
Sometimes SUBURBAN STREET does the job, so you can focus on key parts. The narrative is where you can set the scene by addressing the particulars of the neighborhood (tree lined street of Victorian houses vs brownstones encroach on sidewalks). Or specify the type of neighborhood in the heading.

Quote
INT. JESSICA'S BEDROOM.

Jessica a pretty 30 year old brunette is getting up out of bed. There is a beeping noise coming from a thermometer she is holding. Her husbandMatt 35 is lying in bed stretching his arms out and yawning.
Remember to include the time in scene headings: INT. JESSICA'S BEDROOM - DAY

ALL CAPS a character's name when they first appear in the narrative description. JESSICA a pretty ...

Instead of relying so heavily on passive 'is ing' pairings, use active voice.

JESSICA ... gets out of bed. The thermometer she holds beeps.

Her husband MATT, 35, stretches/sprawls across the bed, yawning.


If needed, you can go a step further.

Jessica ... gets out of bed.
How does she get out of bed? You'll get more mileage out of strong, concrete verbs. They can complement a scene's tone or mood, and even reveal something about your character. Sound and images (hear and see) are important, as well as getting your readers to feel what you want.

Jessica tumbles out of bed.  (clumsy/funny/possibly celebrated too much the night before)
Jessica hops out of bed.  (a morning person, peppy, happy)
Jessica slips/inches out of bed.  (sneaky, hiding something or fearful of waking abusive husband)
Jessica scrambles out of bed.  (Yikes! Did a spider bite her or did she realize last night was a mistake?)
Jessica eases out of bed.  (Injured or just doesn't want to wake her husband?)
Jessica hauls herself out of bed.  (not a morning person, maybe dreading a task today, depressed)

I'm not saying a character can never 'get' or even just walk across a room. If there's a particular emotion that's not coming across or several adverbs pop up, try a concrete verb.

Quote
INT. BATHROOM.

Jessica places the thermometer on the sink and opens up the bathroom cabinet we focus in on the rows of pregnancy tests lined up in order.
Since we know the location, BATHROOM, 'bathroom' cabinet is unnecessary.

... we focus on ...: You can direct our attention and the camera by implying what's to be focused on in your narrative description. This also keeps the reader from being jarred out of the story.

For example, Jessica places the thermometer on the sink and opens the cabinet. Rows of pregnancy tests line a shelf. Or, Jessica places the thermometer on the sink and opens the cabinet. She stares at rows of pregnancy tests.

up in order.: Is the focus on rows of tests or rows of tests in a specific order? If it's the order, include the order (lined up in order by days of the week, months, etc.).

Again, nice job on your first script. Keep it up.

-Maimi
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 09, 2012, 11:22:22 AM
Suburban Street - No, you're in a car. So I would write this as an INT. scene. Something like...

INT. ....'s CAR (TRAVELING)

Trees, middle class driveways, clean lawns. An ice cream truck, kids, balls, parents, cars - eyes, concentration - easy does it.
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 09, 2012, 11:35:23 AM
INT. JESSICA"S BEDROOM - DAY

Beeping. Jessica (30), attractive, long hair, negligee, gets out of bed, holding a thermometer.

Matt (35), her husband, stretches, yawns, arms wide as he stirs on the other side of the bed.
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 09, 2012, 11:44:26 AM
MATT (patting the bed)

Come back to bed honey, it's Sunday!

Jess is already heading for the bathroom, pulling her robe from the back of a chair as she goes.

JESS (O.S)

I'm up now. Want some bacon?

Matt's face shows his disappointment.

Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 09, 2012, 12:00:48 PM
INT. BATHROOM.

Jessica places the thermometer on the sink and opens up the bathroom cabinet we focus in on the rows of pregnancy tests lined up in order. She rummages for a while and takes out a glass bottle labeled folic acid and tips out on of the tablets out on the palm of her hand and pops it into her mouth. Jess walks over to a calender which is stuck on the bathroom door, takes the marker from underneath and writes 37.8 in a box marked temp.

INT. BATHROOM

Jessica closes the door. She places the thermometer on the sink. She opens the cabinet above the sink. Pregnancy testing kits - rows of them! She reaches up to the top shelf, searching.
A glass bottle.
"Folic Acid"
She opens it, tips a tablet into her hand, on it's way to her mouth, swallowing as she turns and moves towards a large calendar pinned to the back of the door.
She takes a marker that hangs, and writes.
 "37.8"
She stands back, contemplating all the other similar notations that decorate the calendar. She doesn't look happy!
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 09, 2012, 12:12:13 PM
JESS

It's up again!

INT. BEDROOM.

Matt rolls his eyes back and tilts his head at the ceiling, his mouth grimacing silently.

MATT

Well fingers crossed hun.

INT. BATHROOM

Jess runs the shower. She takes off her robe, looking at herself in the mirror. She weighs her breasts, her hands lingering, as her eyes try to console and reassure her, and winning the battle, they drop, stroking her flat stomach. The questions in her eyes return.
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Maimi on March 09, 2012, 12:14:18 PM
EDIT: My apologies, Paris. I read the quote below as should I. That's why I replied the way I did in the strikeout. I blame it on too many cough drops.

Quote
Suburban Street - No, you're in a car. So I would write this as an INT. scene. Something like...

INT. ....'s CAR

Since EXT. and INT. refer to camera placement, you're right. ;)


Alfiemama, when the camera is place inside and looks outside, or the other way around ...

INT. CAR - DAY

Outside the window,

... has also been used.
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: midnight candle on March 09, 2012, 12:21:01 PM
Since EXT. and INT. refer to camera placement, you're right. ;)


INT. CAR - DAY

Outside the window, ...

If the camera is in the car looking outwards it will be INT/EXT or I/E
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 09, 2012, 12:27:34 PM
I want the camera to be following a vehicle but pan in on the kids and the icecream van.

Thanks for the comments, means a lot

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

An SUV moving down a typical middle class street.

Kids, balls, cars, dogs, ice cream truck.

Faces, pushed up against the rear window. Kids - looking out, poking faces, eating sweets, chewing gum.

The ice cream van - at the kerb, a trail of kids and tired parents patiently waiting their turn.

(Forget the camera - just describe what you see)

Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 09, 2012, 12:32:43 PM
To tell you the truth, there seems to be a lot of ways to do this sort of thing. I get really confused at night with lights on - so I just use "-LIT"

If it works and has no ambiguity, and the rest of your work is as professional as you can make it, I don't think it matters.

I read recently a reader saying that they just don't care if you use "we see" although I personally hate it.
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Maimi on March 09, 2012, 12:56:00 PM
If the camera is in the car looking outwards it will be INT/EXT or I/E
I thought that was used when the action is back and forth. Otherwise, if the entire scene is of what's going on outside the car while in the car, the camera stays inside the car.

Good, informative discussion from my perspective, as well as feedback for Alfiemama. Paris and Daryl, thanks for the options and things to consider. ;)

To tell you the truth, there seems to be a lot of ways to do this sort of thing. I get really confused at night with lights on - so I just use "-LIT"
:D Sometimes I'm so confused I give up and just write. I should probably do that more often.
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 09, 2012, 08:13:09 PM

INT. BEDROOM

Matt gets out of bed and walks over to the window. He watches the children playing outside for a second.
He then walks over to the free standing mirror and poses looking at his beer gut. He then peers at his eyes and touches his wrinkles around his eyes.

MATT

Geoff says I've put weight on my Belly.

Matt jiggles his belly skin up and down.

Jess walks in wet with a towel wrapped around her and walks up behind him. She playfully pats his belly.

JESS

There's nothing wrong with your belly. It's what attracted me to you in the first place.

Matt turns his head and tries to kiss Jess.

JESS

I'm all wet Matt, don't.

Jess breaks away and walks over to the dressing table. She picks up a jar of face cream and dots it on her face and proceeds to massage in the cream. Matt walks out of the room. Jess turns to say something, but sees that he is no longer in the room. She gets up and walks over to her wardrobe and takes out a carrier bag. She then pulls out a new white babygrow and smells it, hugging it close to her face. She then kneels down and takes out a box from under her bed and places it on the bed. Lifting the lid on the box she carefully lifts up a layer of tissue paper and places the babygrow on top of all the other babygrows and clothes in the box. CUE NOISE On hearing a noise she quickly puts the tissue back in place and puts the lid on the box. Kneeling down again she slides it back under the bed and pulls the bed sheets into place. She stands up quickly as Matt enters the room with a cup in his hand.

Matt places the cup down on the bedside cabinet.

MATT

Brought you a brew hun.

JESS

Thanks love

Jess takes a sip from the cup.

JESS

Listen, I was thinking why not invite Richard and Yvonne for Dinner Friday night. It's been ages since we've seen them. What do you think?


INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Matt in bed. Noises outside from the open window.

Matt rises, stretching, age catching up with him.

He moves to the window, contemplating the noises from the street.

Kids outside playing.

He turns and moves closer to a full length mirror. He's looking at himself.

His hands move to his stomach, and he sags his belly to extenuate his beer gut. He sucks it back in, and his hands move up to his face, moving over and pulling the lines around his eyes.

Jess enters. a towel tight.

JESS

Caught you!

MATT

Geoff made a comment about my belly.

JESS

What, is he gay or something? I love your belly.

She comes close and pats his bum. His face turns, looking for a kiss, but she's gone.

She picks a white jar from the dresser and unscrews the lid. She begins to apply the cream to her face, massaging. She half turns, but Matt's gone.

She finishes with the cream, and moves to the right hand side of the full length wardrobe.

She kneels, her hands finding a carrier bag. She pulls out a brand new baby grow, labels dangling. She pulls it to her face, feeling it against her skin, and inhaling it's newness.

Looking back over her shoulder, she reaches under the bed, and quickly removes a shallow box.

She quickly removes the lid and a layer of tissue paper.

Baby clothes, all new.

She lays the newest baby grow on top, her eyes filled with hope.

Noise. Footsteps from the hall. Quickly she replaces the tissue paper and lid, and the box slides back under the bed in one fluid motion.

Matt enters, carrying a steaming cup.

Jess is adjusting the sheets.

Matt places the cup on the dresser, his hand indicating it's for Jess.

JESS.

Thank you.

Matt stands in his shorts, looks at Jess, then switches his attention to his side of the wardrobe.

Jess pauses, awkward.

JESS

Listen, I was thinking why not invite Richard and Yvonne for Dinner Friday night. It's been ages since we've seen them. What do you think?

MATT (dressing)

Fine!



Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Dawn on March 10, 2012, 06:39:16 AM
Thanks everyone, wow, lots of good advice.

Sorry not been on for a while, my laptop has died on me, so had to dig old one out, unfortunately it has a p and t missing though, should be fun. ;D

I'd put this on for hold for the time being as still working on my book, but keep coming back to this as a bit of a distraction. I think I could do with finding a screen writing course perhaps. Does anyone know of any?
Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Dawn on March 10, 2012, 11:16:36 AM
Another little bit, any comments welcome.

INT.- BUSY GASTRO BAR DAY

Jess breezes through the glass doors, she straightens her hair down from the outside wind. Jess waves over to a lady sat at a table on her own. She rushes up to the table weavng in and out of people waiting at the bar. The lady, attractive, blonde hair Mid 30ís is sat looking through a menu glancing at her watch.

JESS
Vonnie, Iím so sorry, my 11.30am was late (takes off coat and places it over back of arm of chair and takes a seat, she graps a menu from the holder and skims through it)

VONNIE
Oh itís fine Jess, Iíve only just got here myself, some lovely shoes called Jimmy were calling me, so I just had to, What? It would have been rude not to . (Vonney holds up a paper bag. The two ladies laugh and smile)

A good looking waiter walks up to their table with a clipboard in his hand.

WAITER

What can I get you ladies?

JESS

Iííll have a mineral water and a cosmo salad please, can I have the dressing on the side please?

WAITER
(writes on pad) sure. (turns to Vonnie)

VONNIE

G AND T and a club sandwich please (looks at Jess, Jess looks at Vonnie, eyes roll in disbelief)

VONIIE
(Holds hand up) Iíll get a cab.

Jess shakes her head.

JESS

Itís 12.15pm, what are you like? Anyway, do you and Ritch want to come round on Friday for some drinks and Iíll cook some tea?

VONNIE

Whatís the occasion, anything (she widens her eyes and nods at Jess)

JESS

No nothing on that score, but my temp was up again.

VONNIE

I donít know why you bother with all that stuff, you still putting your legs up in the air?

JESS

Oh yes and putting me bum on a cushion, it all helps you know, helps the little swimmers. I was reading in this article in Marie Clare and it says you should stay like that for at least half an hour.

VONNIE

You are a nutter (stops mid sentence as waiter sets their food down on the table) Youíll be going to have sex on that giant fertility statue next.

JESS

Been there done that. (Jess smirks)

Vonnie

For a second then I believed you.

JESS

Now whoís the nutter.

VONNIE

Seriously, Jess, whatís the Dr said now.

JESS

Heís referring us, Matts not keen, he says weíve been pregnant so why not again.

VONNIE

Well maybe heís right, are you, you know (Vonnie winks at Jess) you know (winks again more obviously) (smacks her head jokingly) you know (louder) It's to do with the suction according to Jane in the office.

JESS

Ah, yes of course.
Both women laugh at loud. Some women on the next table in their fifties look over disapproving.
Both women laugh again.
Jess looks seriously at Vonnie, she is playing with a napkin, ripping it into tiny pieces.

JESS

Vonnie, itís been 18 months since I was pregnant, what if that was my only chance? What if me and Matt arenít meant to have kids (Jess looks down at the tissue). I canít imagine a life with just me and Matt.

Vonnie reaches out and holds Jessís hand stopping her from ripping the tissue.
She gets her to make eye contact

VONNIE
I wish I could say it will happen (she clasps Jessís hand firmer) all I know is that Iím here for you.

Jess wipes a tear from her the corner of her eye, reaches down to her handbag, pulls out another tissue, and precedes to wipes her nose.


Title: Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 10, 2012, 11:59:56 AM
Quote
INT.- BUSY GASTRO BAR DAY

Jess breezes through the glass doors, she straightens her hair down from the outside wind. Jess waves over to a lady sat at a table on her own. She rushes up to the table weavng in and out of people waiting at the bar. The lady, attractive, blonde hair Mid 30ís is sat looking through a menu glancing at her watch.

JESS
Vonnie, Iím so sorry, my 11.30am was late (takes off coat and places it over back of arm of chair and takes a seat, she graps a menu from the holder and skims through it)

VONNIE
Oh itís fine Jess, Iíve only just got here myself, some lovely shoes called Jimmy were calling me, so I just had to, What? It would have been rude not to . (Vonney holds up a paper bag. The two ladies laugh and smile)

A good looking waiter walks up to their table with a clipboard in his hand.
Quote

INT.- BUSY GASTRO BAR - DAY

Jess breezes through the glass doors, straightening her windblown hair.

She looks around, and waves to a woman sitting alone.

She weaves her way to the table.

(You've already said it's busy in the scene heading - or you could reduce the scene heading, and put  "and waves to a woman sitting alone in the busy bar - but be careful - if it's busy, would she immediately see her friend? - you could add a couple of seconds of action while she's looking for her friend.) Maybe:

It's busy. She looks around.

She spots her friend, sitting alone near the back, and waves.

She weaves her way to the table...

I would tend to reduce the scene heading - you may have another scene in the GASTRO BAR, and it may not be busy - and scene headings should always be consistent - if it was in NEW YORK - and all your scenes would be lunchtime scenes - it would probably be fine to use BUSY GASTRO BAR)

VONNIE (30's) holds a menu, glances anxiously at her watch.

JESS

Vonnie, I'm so sorry! My eleven thirty was late.

VONNIE

It's fine Jess - don't worry! I've only just got here myself. Everyone's running late today, mines self inflicted though...

Vonnie, smiling, holds up a carry bag, as Jess finishes removing her coat and slides into her chair.

JESS

Are they?...

VONNIE

...Had my name on them.

JESS
(reaching for a menu)

I can't remember when I could last afford a pair of those.

VONNIE

I can't remember the last time I only worked an eight hour day.

Jess looks sorry for her.

VONNIE

I have to be outta here by one...I'm sorry, it's always so rushed.

Jess, rummages in her handbag, while studying the menu.

JESS
(looking around the room)

Don't forget to get that invitation off me...

Waiter!







Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 10, 2012, 12:15:44 PM
Watch your timing - it's about a minute per page, give or take.

They sure get their food served pretty quick.

You'd have to break this scene up - either insert another scene - probably redundant in this context - or time-shift the scene with multiple scene headers (LATER) - or best practice ENTER LATE - LEAVE EARLY - get everything you need to SHOW or HEAR done, say by the time they order their food, or if the table/meal conversation is more important, start the scene later.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Dawn on March 10, 2012, 12:23:28 PM
Thanks Paris, this is just the knowledge I am missing.
Love the changes just what I was looking for.

So if it's a minute per page, how many words on a page and how do I time a scene? ???(sorry if daft question)

Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 10, 2012, 12:42:03 PM
It's not about words on a page - it's about VISION on a page - use your own voice, don't worry about the number of words - just get it as tight as you can, with a logical progression (for instance, in an earlier scene, your character entered the bathroom, but didn't close the door - next thing she was looking at the back of the closed door.)

Judge your (action) sentences by the time the action would take, and the natural flow they need- space them out logically.

You get into the car.

You put the key into the ignition AND start the car.

You look in the mirror, adjusting your hair, checking your teeth.

You put the selector into "DRIVE". You release the handbrake. You push the accelerator, and the car -STALLS.

You look perplexed. You bang your head down on the steering wheel in frustration.

You get out of the car. You walk around the car.

You're looking down at the offside front wheel.

A WHEELCLAMP.

PS If you want to check out the timing in my screenplay (it's running to a counting down clock) email me and I'll send you a PDF copy - PDF's are the global document standard and are extremely safe and used by millions of companies all over the world to email documents.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Dawn on March 10, 2012, 01:12:00 PM
Oops, I see what mean. :-[

I'll pm you Paris, thanks.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 10, 2012, 01:13:04 PM
Also - make sure all your actions are relevant. Earlier it was relevant to close the bathroom door. But another might just require:

Julian gets into the car and drives off - angry. (What's wrong with this?)

He's angry before he gets into the car.

Julian, angry, gets into the car, and drives off, in a cloud of burnt rubber.

Actions will be swings and roundabouts as far as timing is concerned, but a 120 page screenplay should run about 120 minutes.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: midnight candle on March 10, 2012, 01:19:11 PM
Also - make sure all your actions are relevant. Earlier it was relevant to close the bathroom door. But another might just require:

Julian gets into the car and drives off - angry. (What's wrong with this?)

He's angry before he gets into the car.

Julian, angry, gets into the car, and drives off, in a cloud of burnt rubber.

Actions will be swings and roundabouts as far as timing is concerned, but a 120 page screenplay should run about 120 minutes.

It's all tell - that's what's wrong with it.

Is Julian angry? Show it. Julian bangs the bonnet with his fist.

Going over the other posts and you criticise about the logical sequence of things, but you don't need to show every action - as you said, it's about the vision not the mechanics. If the character gets a tin of beans out of the cupboard and later he eats them - the viewer/reader fills in the mechanics that the character has opened the tin, cooked them, served, etc.

That's my honest opinion and here's another - if alfiemama is going to learn about scriptwriting, there is one way - READ a lot of scripts, as well as books about the craft.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Dawn on March 10, 2012, 01:32:18 PM
Who's Julian?;D (sorry couldn't resist)


Any suggestions on books Midnight?
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: midnight candle on March 10, 2012, 06:40:09 PM
Who's Julian?;D (sorry couldn't resist)


Any suggestions on books Midnight?

Sent by pm. :)
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 10, 2012, 08:18:35 PM
Also watch for ambiguity - in one of your scenes Jess is avoiding body contact with Matt, but checking her temperature for pregnancy. She closes the door to the bathroom, but is also informing Matt about her temperature (or does she tell Matt her temperature, then close the door - a bit anti-social? - to her partner?) Ok - still works to a point. But then she's secretly storing baby clothes. Are we to assume Matt's fine with her conceiving, and hiding the baby clothes is just because money's tight? Ok - still works if perhaps Matt just isn't quite as keen about pregnancy as Jess, and is perhaps playing her along, but then he was the one looking for intimacy. All these things have to be factored in perfectly, and they have to be consistent.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 10, 2012, 08:38:39 PM
About what Midnight was saying - you don't have to show everything.

If the scene is changing back and forth from BATHROOM to BEDROOM, you don't need to show everything. Things will be happening in the BATHROOM, while your scene happens in the BEDROOM, and vice versa, but you can't cut back to the BATHROOM, and have Jess standing there fully clothed with 30 minutes of makeup on her face if you've only been in the BEDROOM for 15 seconds.

But if your scene is continuous, you do have to show the whole sequence of opening and cooking the baked beans. This is where the ENTER LATE, LEAVE EARLY thing comes into play - you have to cleverly plan out your scenes so you're only showing relevant information, and you're moving the story forward.
The reason you might show someone preparing baked beans might be to show they can't cook,  they haven't got much money, or imagination, or they're in a hurry, or they don't really care about the person they're preparing food for.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 10, 2012, 08:58:50 PM
Keep your scenes RELEVANT.

Who wants to watch a BEDROOM / BATHROOM scene, unless it's to show some important interplay, and perhaps problems in a relationship. Your scene worked, as long as it fits the context of what you're trying to say (SHOW)

You might show your guy leaving home to go to work, kissing his wife and kids goodbye etc.

Your next scene might be him arriving in the car park, or walking down a hallway, or even sitting at his desk.

But you might have shown him stopped at the traffic lights, some punks giving him a hard time, to show your guy can keep his cool, or has anger management issues.

Scenes have to have a purpose, even if it's only to imply a passage of time, otherwise they should be cut to keep your screenplay "TIGHT"
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 10, 2012, 09:19:36 PM
I watched the movie "The Double" last night - Richard Gere - it was great for the first half, but then it got a bit stupid.

It had some great scenes and dialogue. It showed Richard Gere at home, at night in some scenes, so the next scene was obviously a day later, giving the passage of time. It also showed that he was a bit of a mysterious dude.

It had a great scene (but really generic scene - watching kids play baseball - come on! I was thinking.) where he told a woman he didn't have the time because he didn't have a watch. A great set-up for later in the movie. Putting a watch on, he became a different person. But the scene showed - he didn't wear a watch (what sort of person doesn't wear a watch - perhaps a person trying to opt" out"), he liked children, but didn't have a family, something may be missing in his life, and maybe he was past having a woman in his life either, and what sort of person goes to watch kids playing baseball, when he doesn't have any kids?  -was what I was thinking.

Several times Richard Gere would get into a car, and the scene would follow the car in this big city with aerial shots and great music. It gave great atmosphere to the movie, and you knew that Richard Gere was in that car, thinking about his next move.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 10, 2012, 10:14:54 PM
You'll also notice that I've gone back, and made small alterations to many of my posts - some several times - this is what it's all about - writing, rewriting, and polishing your scenes and screenplay many, many times, until it's as good as you can make it (you think!) - then you put it in the drawer for a while (mines been in the drawer for periods of years! I got the idea in 1998 - I started writing it in exercise books many times, doing several opening and ending scenes - got sick of finding my exercise books under the couch with pages ripped out and toddler scrawl, usually crayon, all over them - said to my wife in 2003 that I just "had' to write it, and virtually locked myself in a room for 3 weeks solid - she did all the cooking, all the driving, and put up with me, restless, getting up at 3-4-5am many times, not able to sleep, ideas and problematic scenes awash in my head - she had to do the driving, because I would have a notebook in my back pocket at all times, and would instantly need to write down new ideas or solutions to scenes and timing, as I thought of them - it was running through my head constantly - it was one of the most exciting times of my life. It took me 3 weeks to get the skeleton screenplay down, on a computer, using screenwriting software, then another 3-4 mths to 'Polish" it - I thought it was great, but looking back, it was still rubbish. It went in the drawer for several periods of more than a year, two sometimes. I recently took it out, and rewrote some more. A top LA blogger has a copy now - I thought I just couldn't take it any further - I was "done" - that was revision 8.7 - it's now at revision 9.6  - Oh well!)), and learn some more screenwriting skills, and you watch as many movies and read as many screenplays as you can - you trawl blogs and screenwriting posts all over the net, you read books - and then you go back, take your screenplay out of the drawer, and surprise yourself at how much you now don't like, or want to make better!
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: midnight candle on March 11, 2012, 05:01:36 AM
I don't think anyone else may have the balls to say it but . . .

This is someone else's thread and you've hijacked it with several posts that stray from the original topic. I'll suggest you start a new thread in the script section and tell us everything there. Because the way it stands now, i've lost interest in helping anyone here because i have to wade through your life story first.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 11, 2012, 05:27:25 AM
Post removed by Paris Texas - I just read "Bedfellows"! I couldn't write half as good as that.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: midnight candle on March 11, 2012, 06:04:38 AM
Firstly, I get a Troll rubbishing my writing before reading even one page of it, and trying to discourage others from reading it...

I get a really friendly reception from Laura, suggesting I give before I take ... and I do my best to contribute.... and try to help someone on a thread they've started, looking for help... in fact staying up all night to do so...

Then I get another bitter Troll...

I give up !!!


Okay, the boards are yours.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Maimi on March 12, 2012, 11:49:37 AM
I'm gone for the bulk of the weekend and return to find things headed south to discouraging.

If anyone is thinking about commenting on the last few replies, don't. Otherwise, please continue to offer feedback on Alfiemama's work. ;)

Paris and Daryl, I hope you don't allow an interaction to convince you to walk away. Perhaps a little distance from one another, until the sting of this exchange diminishes, would be beneficial.

As for hijacking, I know various thoughts creep in from time to time. As helpful as sharing a number of details of one's own practices, history and other items might be, it's best to focus on the thread owner's work.

Personally, as to creating a new thread, a few Discussion: Screenwriting Subject threads could be beneficial.

Oh, and please, no more name calling.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: midnight candle on March 12, 2012, 12:37:36 PM
I'm gone for the bulk of the weekend and return to find things headed south to discouraging.

If anyone is thinking about commenting on the last few replies, don't. Otherwise, please continue to offer feedback on Alfiemama's work. ;)

Paris and Daryl, I hope you don't allow an interaction to convince you to walk away. Perhaps a little distance from one another, until the sting of this exchange diminishes, would be beneficial.

As for hijacking, I know various thoughts creep in from time to time. As helpful as sharing a number of details of one's own practices, history and other items might be, it's best to focus on the thread owner's work.

Personally, as to creating a new thread, a few Discussion: Screenwriting Subject threads could be beneficial.

Oh, and please, no more name calling.

Everything fine here Maimi - just a misunderstanding. One of those things that gets taken the wrong way because of the internet and not knowing how it was said or meant. I'm cool with PT. :)
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Dawn on March 12, 2012, 12:57:22 PM
  :D

I thought I would post the second scene again, as it kind of got a little lost.

I need help with the timing, do I move the 3rd scene and put it in the middle of this and then come back to the 2nd scene? Any ideas and help appreciated. (I've not altered anything yet, until I get other opinions on this)

INT.- BUSY GASTRO BAR
Jess breezes through the glass doors. She rushes up to a table were a woman, attractive, blonde hair Mid 30ís is sat looking through a menu glancing at her watch.
JESS
Vonnie, Iím so sorry, my 11.30am was late (takes a seat)
VONNIE
Oh itís fine Jess, Iíve only just got here myself, some lovely shoes called Jimmy were calling me, so I just had to, What? It would have been rude not to . (Vonnie holds up a paper bag. The two ladies laugh and smile)
A good looking waiter walks up to their table with a clipboard in his hand.
WAITER
What can I get you ladies?
JESS
Iííll have a mineral water and a cosmo salad please, can I have the dressing on the side please?
WAITER
(writes on pad) sure. (turns to Vonnie)
VONNIE
G AND T and a club sandwich please (looks at Jess, Jess looks at Vonnie, eyes roll in disbelief)
VONIE
(Holds hand up) Iíll get a cab.
Jess shakes her head.
JESS
Itís 12.15pm, what are you like? Anyway, do you and Ritch want to come round on Friday for some drinks and Iíll cook some tea?
VONNIE
Whatís the occasion, anything (she rolls her eyes and nods at Jess)
JESS
No nothing on that score, but my temp was up again.
VONNIE
I donít know why you bother with all that stuff, you still putting your legs up in the air?
JESS
Oh yes and putting me bum on a cushion, it all helps you know, helps the little swimmers. I was reading in this article in Marie Clare and it says you should stay like that for at least half an hour.
VONNIE
You are a nutter (stops mid sentence as waiter sets their food down on the table) Youíll be going to have sex on that giant fertility statue next.
JESS
Been there done that. (Jess smirks)
Vonnie
For a second then I believed you.
JESS
Now whoís the nutter.
VONNIE
Seriously, Jess, whatís the Dr said now.
JESS
Heís referring us, Matts not keen, he says weíve been pregnant so why not again.
VONNIE
Well maybe heís right, are you, you know (Vonnie winks at Jess) you know (winks again more obviously) (smacks her head jokingly) you know (louder)
JESS
Ah, yes of course.
Both women laugh at loud. Some women on the next table in their fifties look over disapproving.
Both women laugh again.
Jess looks seriously at Vonnie, she is playing with a napkin, ripping it into tiny pieces.
JESS
Vonnie, itís been 18 months since I was pregnant, what if that was my only chance? What if me and Matt arenít meant to have kids (Jess looks down at the tissue). I canít imagine a life with just me and Matt.
Vonnie reaches out and holds Jessís hand stopping her from ripping the tissue.
She gets her to make eye contact
VONNIE
I wish I could say it will happen (she clasps Jessís hand firmer) all I know is that Iím here for you.
Jess wipes a tear from her the corner of her eye, reaches down to her handbag, pulls out another tissue, and precedes to wipes her nose.

INT. OFFICE DAY
Matt is sitting at his desk, searching through a pile of paperwork on his desk, he drops various pieces of paper as he is such a rush, he cannot find what he is looking for.
A young lad in his 20ís is tapping his pen annoyingly on his desk, whilst chatting on the phone to his girl friend.
MATT
Do you have to
JAMIE
(Raises his head) what (he mimes whilst on phone).
Matt motions to the pen.
JAMIE
Hang on a sec Ruth (he puts the phone on his shoulder) whats up MATT
MATT
Oh nowt, forget it (Matt gets up and walks to the water cooler, takes a cup but ends up with about 10 from the holder, annoyed he tries to put them back, he struggles with the holder and ends up giving up.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: midnight candle on March 13, 2012, 04:29:56 PM
Everything fine here Maimi - just a misunderstanding. One of those things that gets taken the wrong way because of the internet and not knowing how it was said or meant. I'm cool with PT. :)

Read it again PT. Instead of rambling on about how mistreated you were, see what was meant. Step back, cool off and read the posts again before making judgment. Maimi told you to stop the name-calling. All the abuse is one-sided from yourself.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Dawn on March 13, 2012, 06:00:03 PM

-and that I had "Hijacked" her thread - my replies were all about giving her advice from my experience - all any individual can do.

Unfortunately, by reposting her original, and suggesting it had got lost, Alfiemama seems to agree her thread was hijacked, so I will butt out.It's a shame you treat new, enthusiastic members of MWC like this.

There are far too many nice people in this world, to bother with the ones who aren't so nice....
[/quote]

Please don't put words into my mouth PT. I reposted because of the other posts not because I think you hijacked my thread. I am not that shallow thank you kindly as to want to keep a thread all to myself.

I actually just believe you are new and enthusiastic which we often see on this forum. This is not meant in a patronising way. I appreciate anybodies help and comments and take on board what everyone advises me. Perhaps midnight just meant let someone else have a go. I'm sure there was no malice meant.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: midnight candle on March 15, 2012, 04:58:08 PM
Post removed by Paris Texas - I just read "Bedfellows"! I couldn't write half as good as that.

So you resorted to name calling and another cheap shot at personal attacks. Grow up!
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Paris Texas on March 15, 2012, 10:33:36 PM
Actually I was quite impressed by your writing - decided to take down my negative post. This should be a friendly place.
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: midnight candle on March 16, 2012, 01:14:25 AM
Actually I was quite impressed by your writing - decided to take down my negative post. This should be a friendly place.
Actually I was quite impressed by your writing - decided to take down my negative post. This should be a friendly place.

My wrong then - sorry. :)
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Maimi on March 16, 2012, 11:52:52 AM
Parentheticals:
-Go between a characterís name (dialogue cue) and dialogue:

JESS
(parenthetical)
Jessís dialogue.

-Donít rely on them so much.
-Use them if your dialogueís meaning isnít clear.
-Donít use them if your dialogueís meaning is clear. For example,

JESS
(relieved)
Thank goodness. I thought I was a goner.

-Ease up on putting action in them (although you see it in some scripts, instruction Iíve read in guides and Ďdo and don'tí books advise against it for those trying to break into the industry).

-No starting with a capital letter or ending with a period. Parentheticals are not sentences:

Quote
MATT

Oh nowt, forget it (Matt gets up and walks to the water cooler, takes a cup but ends up with about 10 from the holder, annoyed he tries to put them back, he struggles with the holder and ends up giving up.
MATT

Oh nowt, forget it.

Matt gets up and walks to the water cooler ...

Quote
She rushes up to a table were a woman, attractive, blonde hair Mid 30ís is sat looking through a menu glancing at her watch.

JESS

Vonnie, Iím so sorry, my 11.30am was late
Since the attractive woman at the table is Vonnie, and for clarity, introduce Vonnie in the narrative description as VONNIE, instead of a woman ... and waiting until Jessís dialogue to let us know who the woman is.

Character Introductions (spec script): Read scripts and notice how a characterís personality is included. Good Will Hunting (http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/goodwillhunting.html[/url) comes to mind. Scroll down the first page to ďThe guy holding court ...Ē for a better example than I can come up with.

Watch about repeating information or telling whatís already known (this one, unfortunately, is so easy to not realize you're doing it when writing).
Quote
... to a table were a woman ... is sat looking through a menu glancing at her watch.
Since the woman is at a table, itís understood sheís seated.
Quote
Jess wipes a tear from her the corner of her eye, reaches down to her handbag, pulls out another tissue, and precedes to wipes her nose.
We know tears come from eyes. Also, be careful you donít micromanage by drilling down so far to insignificant details (unless the exact position of an action is very important to the story).
Quote
... reaches down to her handbag, pulls out another tissue ...
... pulls another tissue from her handbag ...

Quote
A good looking waiter walks up to their table with a clipboard in his hand.
Waiter needs to be capitalized (WAITER) if this is the first time he has an action in the script. Depending on how critical he is to the story (Does he just do what a waiter normally does? Or is he having an affair with Jess or Vonnie? Big difference in importance between those two scenarios.), commenting on his looks may be unnecessary.

Clipboard brought a large, intrusive item to mind.

Pad in hand, WAITER ...

Quote
JESS

Iííll have a mineral water and a cosmo salad please, can I have the dressing on the side please?
Read your dialogue out loud. In some areas, such as above, it sounds unnatural. One thing is please twice.

I know itís a pain, but adding a space between headings, dialogue and narrative descriptions is a courtesy to your reviewers. http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/topic,39962.0.html
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Dawn on March 16, 2012, 02:34:04 PM
Hi Maimi, thanks for the in depth critique. I found it very informative. Can I ask is there any books or courses that you can recommend for me?
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Maimi on March 16, 2012, 04:19:31 PM
PM on the way. ;)
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Dawn on March 16, 2012, 05:11:22 PM
Thanks Maimi. :D
Title: Re: My first script. updated.
Post by: Dawn on March 18, 2012, 03:43:56 PM
Would this timing work with regards to the food in the bar?
Any imput appreciated.


INT.- BUSY GASTRO BAR - DAY

Jess breezes through the glass doors, straightening her windblown hair.

It's busy. She looks around.

She spots her friend, sitting alone near the back, and waves.

She weaves her way to the table...

VONNIE (30's) holds a menu, glances anxiously at her watch.

JESS

Vonnie, I'm so sorry! My eleven thirty was late.

VONNIE

It's fine Jess - don't worry! I've only just got here myself. Everyone's running late today, mines self inflicted though...

Vonnie, smiling, holds up a carry bag, as Jess finishes removing her coat and slides into her chair.

JESS

Are they?...

VONNIE

...Had my name on them.

JESS
(reaching for a menu)

I can't remember when I could last afford a pair of those.

VONNIE

I can't remember the last time I only worked an eight hour day.

Jess looks sorry for her.

VONNIE

I have to be outta here by one...I'm sorry, it's always so rushed.

Jess, rummages in her handbag, while studying the menu.

JESS

(looking around the room)

Waiter!

INT. OFFICE DAY

Matt is sitting at his desk, searching through a pile of paperwork. He drops various pieces of paper (clearly rushing)he cannot find what he is looking for.

A young lad in his 20ís is tapping his pen annoyingly on his desk, whilst chatting on the phone to his girl friend.

MATT

Do you have to?

JAMIE

Jamie raises his head

What?

Jamie mimes whilst on phone.

Matt motions to the pen.

JAMIE

Hang on a sec Ruth

Jamie puts the phone on his shoulder.

Whats up Matt?

MATT

Oh nowt, forget it

Matt gets up and walks to the water cooler, takes a cup but ends up with about 10 from the holder, annoyed he tries to put them back, he struggles with the holder and ends up giving up.
Matt walks over and grabs his jacket off the back of his chair.

MATT

Iím going for a cig.

Jamie just nods and carries on with conversation.


INT. GASTRO BAR DAY.

Jess pushes a plate of empty food away. Vonnie takes one last bite, full she rubs her stomach.

VONNIE

Iím stuffed. Hey (looks around room) donít look now but that girl whoís screwing Mike has just walked in.

JESS

Mike in your office, where, Vonnie Iíve got to look now. Whats she look like.

VONNIE

Usual, blonde and big tits.

Both girls laugh

JESS

Didnít you have a fling with Mike?

VONNIE

Least said bout that the better. Waiter

Vonnie beckons over a waiter serving another table.

VONNIE

One for the road.

The waiter walks over with a pad in his hand.

VONNIE

G & T please and sheíll have a glass of pinot.
Jess rolls her eyes.
Waiter writes on pad, walks away to get drinks.

JESS

Itís 12.15pm, what are you like? Anyway, do you and Ritch want to come round on Friday for some drinks and Iíll cook some tea?

VONNIE

Whatís the occasion, anything
She rolls her eyes and nods at Jess

JESS

No nothing on that score, but my temp was up again.

VONNIE

I donít know why you bother with all that stuff, you still putting your legs up in the air?

JESS

Oh yes and putting me bum on a cushion, it all helps you know, helps the little swimmers. I was reading in this article in Marie Clare and it says you should stay like that for at least half an hour.

VONNIE

You are a nutter
stops mid sentence as waiter sets their drinks down on the table

VONNIE

 Youíll be going to have sex on that giant fertility statue next.

JESS

Been there done that.
Jess smirks

Vonnie
For a second then I believed you.

JESS
Now whoís the nutter.


VONNIE

Seriously, Jess, whatís the Dr said now.

JESS

Heís referring us, Matts not keen, he says weíve been pregnant so why not again.

VONNIE

Well maybe heís right, are you, you know (Vonnie winks at Jess) you know (winks again more obviously) (smacks her head jokingly) you know (louder)

JESS

Ah, yes of course.
Both women laugh at loud. Some women on the next table in their fifties look over disapproving.
Both women laugh again.
Jess looks seriously at Vonnie, she is playing with a napkin, ripping it into tiny pieces.

JESS

Vonnie, itís been 18 months since I was pregnant, what if that was my only chance? What if me and Matt arenít meant to have kids (Jess looks down at the tissue). I canít imagine a life with just me and Matt.
Vonnie reaches out and holds Jessís hand stopping her from ripping the tissue.
She gets her to make eye contact

VONNIE

I wish I could say it will happen (she clasps Jessís hand firmer) all I know is that Iím here for you.
Jess pulls out another tissue from her handbag and wipes her eyes.

EXT. TOP OF OFFICE BUILDING ROOF. DAY.

Matt is stood leaning against a wall smoking a cigarette. The back door opens and out walks MARIE (20ís attractive) she walks over and lights up her cigarette.

MARIE

Matt Iím glad I caught you, the Taylor ad has cancelled again. He was speaking to Ruth earlier and says heís gonna pull it all unless we can look at our prices. Says where not competitive any more, oh and silly sod says our invoicing system is all to cock. You donít say eh.
Marie takes a long drag on a cigarette.

MATT

(clearly disappointed)
You have got to be kidding. Iíll ring him Marie, see if I can smooth the waters. I need that order going in.

MARIE
I suppose people aint got the money any more Matt.
Title: Re: My first script. updated thread 50
Post by: Paris Texas on March 19, 2012, 02:57:18 AM
I'm not an expert, but as long as you break up your continuous scenes, either using ((SCENE HEADING)-LATER) or interject another scene, as you have done, then it's fine. Movies aren't real time, but continuous scenes (ie. you're watching them eat a meal) are, so you just have to be careful your scenes flow well - it's a great way to practice ENTER LATE / LEAVE EARLY - and natural breaks in scenes such as calling for the waiter, then re-entering at the conclusion of the meal, which you did well. Acting out a continuous scene should take about a page a minute (and taking ten pages for a meal to arrive wouldn't be great story-telling), although there is some flexibility with just describing action, but you should still try to space it according to the approximate time it would take to portray it on screen. This is where film editors do such a great job as well.
Title: Re: My first script. updated thread 50
Post by: Paris Texas on March 19, 2012, 03:06:00 AM
Also you've been asking about books - there are dozens - one of the best is THE SCREENWRITERS BIBLE - TROTTIER - I think I've spelt it right - but it was written a long while back, and although it has been updated (make sure you buy the latest edition), the best place for the latest formatting info is online - you have to take it with a grain of salt though - there are so many different opinions - I would always go for the CLEAN and TIGHT - no camera angles POV etc.
FINAL DRAFT software is about the best thing out for writing your screenplay with easy to use drop-down formatting. You can find free copies on line if you need to.
Title: Re: My first script. updated thread 50
Post by: midnight candle on March 19, 2012, 04:23:56 AM
Also you've been asking about books - there are dozens - one of the best is THE SCREENWRITERS BIBLE - TROTTIER - I think I've spelt it right - but it was written a long while back, and although it has been updated (make sure you buy the latest edition), the best place for the latest formatting info is online - you have to take it with a grain of salt thought - there are so many different opinions - I would always go for the CLEAN and TIGHT - no camera angles POV etc.
FINAL DRAFT software is about the best thing out for writing your screenplay with easy to use drop-down formatting. You can find free copies on line if you need to.

I'll endorse that PT
Title: Re: My first script. updated thread 50
Post by: Dawn on March 19, 2012, 06:56:46 AM
Hi PT.
Thanks I will check out that book. I have quite a few now to purchase I can see my shelves are going to be bulging.
Great advice about timing, thank you.
I have Celtz on my other laptop but it has a virus on it do being mended so I'm on my phone at the minute and a very old laptop which takes donkeys to load up.

So
Please forgive any spelling or grammar.

Thanks Daryl.
Title: Re: My first script. updated thread 50
Post by: Paris Texas on March 19, 2012, 07:31:43 AM
To tell you the truth alfie - I would just buy one - such as Trottier - for quick reference - maybe one or two others that are different or quirky, particularly ones giving a breakdown of well known movies or scripts etc. - (you'll know when you spot one you just have to have!) - there is just so much sceenwriting stuff online - really good blogs and articles with just about anything you need - most of it is up to date, but it always pays to try to ascertain the date it was written. This is the age of information overload, so you have to be choosey - I recently sold all my screenwriting books, including about half a dozen on Tarantino, for less than tenth of their cost, on online auction because I just couldn't find space for them anymore.
Footnote: You can also pick up a lot of movie scripts online - gives you a good sense of how the "pros" do it - they seem to get away with murder as far as formatting goes, which seems to back up ..."if its good enough...." and there's a lot of styles , but remember a lot of these are "Shooting Scripts" and include camera angles etc.
Title: Re: My first script. updated thread 50
Post by: Dawn on March 19, 2012, 09:32:22 AM
Thanks PT. ;D
Title: Re: My first script. updated thread 50
Post by: Patron on March 24, 2012, 12:45:49 AM
Hello alfiemama,

I have been watching this thread fr a bit.

I finally decided to jump in, and I would like to reccommend Final Draft to you. It is the end all, and be all of screenwriting software.

I will probably get some flack from some these others but that does not matter much. The majority of the people I know use this software. It's flexible, it works with many edit software programs, and most important interests, use Final Draft. I am not a spokesman, but I know the industry. ;)

Sincerely;

Patron
Title: Re: My first script. updated thread 50
Post by: Dawn on March 25, 2012, 05:07:21 PM
Thanks Patron.
 Is there a lot of difference between Celtx and Final draft? It just seems a lot of money to pay out for a beginner.
Title: Re: My first script. updated thread 50
Post by: Patron on March 28, 2012, 03:55:47 AM
Good question;

I refuse to use Celtx. Then again, I refuse to use Movie Draft. My opinion of these programs is that they are fairly difficult to navigate in changes and they become somewhat confusing. Aside from that, the people I know use Final Draft and I think like this.... . If I want to submit something that has a fair chance of making it, I am pretty sure, I want it to be in a program that the readers are working and do not have to convert to another program.

I am not a Final Draft representative the in any way. It just makes sense to use the best available program out there that industry reps are also using.

Just my thoughts.

Sincerely;

Patron