My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: "lorraineofkeli" on August 11, 2006, 04:57:50 PM

Title: "Gamzelim" - My Dimples
Post by: "lorraineofkeli" on August 11, 2006, 04:57:50 PM
Gamzelim means 'my dimples' and this is what I've come up with.
I'm not completely satisfied with the last two stanzas, I seemed to lose the plot there. But anyways, I'll go through it again.
REVISED: Now taken away the last two, replaced with one different.

Your eyes, deep chestnut
Your lips full and smooth
Your nose perfectly formed
And your cheeky dimples exude

In me, hot and wondrous
At the sight of your smile
Drift over me sweet dimples
My gamzelim in my eyes

My eyes that shine with happiness
They remind you of the sea
Im reminded that together
Weve conquered fears unforeseen

Gamzelim oy Gamzelim
How you encase me in your joy
their momentary burst of show
prolongs emotions high
Title: Re: "Gamzelim" - My Dimples
Post by: wizard7wolf on August 12, 2006, 06:11:35 AM
Kinda lost it at the end but I liked it
Never heard a poem about dimples so I think you did a good job  ;)
Title: Re: "Gamzelim" - My Dimples
Post by: "lorraineofkeli" on August 12, 2006, 12:55:23 PM
Thanks wolf :)

I've taken away the last two stanzas that lost it. replaced them with one which i think is more succinct and more in theme.
Title: Re: "Gamzelim" - My Dimples
Post by: wizard7wolf on August 12, 2006, 11:59:12 PM
I like it  :D
Title: Re: "Gamzelim" - My Dimples
Post by: Lilguido on August 15, 2006, 10:04:29 PM
I agree with Wolf. Don't think I've ever read a poem about dimples specifically, but I enjoyed it very much. Could tell that you were very inspired.

Title: Re: "Gamzelim" - My Dimples
Post by: iCeFaiRy on August 16, 2006, 01:20:45 AM
Don't throw things at me, but I really didn't know what dimples mean (just looked it up in my dictionary).  :'(

I like your poem because it's unique (another way to tell you that I agree with wolf and guido).

I do have one question, though.  :)


In me, hot and wondrous
At the sight of your smile
Drift over me sweet dimples
My gamzelim in my eyes


If "gamzelim" means "my dimples", aren't you saying:

My "my dimples" in my eyes?

PS: my baby cousin has dimples and I think I understand why you wrote a poem about dimples.  ;D
Title: Re: "Gamzelim" - My Dimples
Post by: Nelodra on August 16, 2006, 04:46:25 AM
I'm not a poet, and I hardly ever read poems for revision, but your title grabbed my immediate attention, and so I just had to go look.
I like it, it's a nice poem, and I think I even understand it. Not bad for someone who doesn't know zilch about poetry, and I'd say that's your merit  :)
Dimples... I have 'em too, and have always been told they are cute  ;)
Title: Re: "Gamzelim" - My Dimples
Post by: "lorraineofkeli" on August 16, 2006, 12:25:57 PM
Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate them.   Your're right to point out Tortoise Vagabond, about "my my dimples". Technically you're correct, but I allowed it since it is how I would speak as a native english speaker using another language for a term of affection -and my husband wouldn't have a problem with me calling him 'my gamzelim'  Guess I overruled it based on bi-linguality! :)
And you're all certainly right about the cuteness of dimples -they really are quite inspiring. You're lucky if you have them :)