My Writers Circle

The Coffee Shop => The Coffee Shop => Topic started by: BBBlogger on May 05, 2011, 03:12:26 PM

Title: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 05, 2011, 03:12:26 PM
I thought it'd be fun to start a thread for funny jokes, images, whatever gives you a giggle. (If there is already something like this here on WC, just shoot me now)

I'll try to keep it clean for the younguns.  ::)

Anyone can contribute! Have fun!

                                  (http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/forWCsmall.jpg)





Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Joe Mynhardt on May 05, 2011, 03:16:08 PM
Here used to be a jokes thread, as well as a thread for lame jokes. But it might just be time to start a new one.  :)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 05, 2011, 03:22:55 PM
Cool! I hadn't come across those.

It doesn't have to be just jokes, I love funny pics and, if they're sized down for the internet, they wouldn't take up too much bandwidth. If they're kept to around 300 pixels, they should be fine. Anything huge, would be overwhelming here at WC.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 05, 2011, 03:47:54 PM
250K is the automatic size limit here on MWC.  Anything bigger finds itself 'spurned like a rabid dog' and the system simply won't let it be posted.  

The existing thread Joe referred to is the Crap Joke thread,
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/topic,8203.0.html,
which over thears since it started eventualltyu became the default home for all jokes.  The good joke thread, and its name, has long since slipped from memory.

So it would be good to have a new one.  Let's support 'Have a giggle'.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 05, 2011, 04:01:52 PM
250k- Wow! That's awfully big! Most sites I belong to will only accept 80kb or less.

Thanks for the support, Gyppo! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 05, 2011, 05:12:13 PM
That's the picture limit.

I've found that most of my photographs, if resized to about 400 x 500 pixels, in 'portrait orientation' come in around 200k, which allows a bit of slack.

This one, just for example, at 600 x 450 pixels,  is a bit bigger and weighs in at 237K.

Left click to enlarge.

Gyppo

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 05, 2011, 05:29:05 PM
Does the WC site automatically reduce the size?

Usually, internet images are 72 pixels per inch, so
I try to keep mine at that, then they can be larger like what yours shows when clicked on.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 05, 2011, 05:40:49 PM
Ok, we got off track-- not seeing any giggles here!

What book/movie does this image portray? :D


(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/SilenceLambs.jpg)

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Silt on May 05, 2011, 05:41:29 PM
X-files:)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 05, 2011, 05:54:47 PM
wrong!   ::)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Silt on May 05, 2011, 05:55:47 PM
Geez, really? Two X's, one creature of mysterious origins. I thought for sure :(
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 05, 2011, 05:59:33 PM
sorry-- try again   :)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Silt on May 05, 2011, 06:01:08 PM
Silence of the Lambs :P
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 05, 2011, 06:03:34 PM
Bingo!! You win the booby prize!   ;D   ;D   ;D 
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Silt on May 05, 2011, 06:04:22 PM
I almost went with Gremlins, just so you know :)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 05, 2011, 06:07:58 PM
Ahh yes, another movie with crazy little aliens. :)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 05, 2011, 07:16:00 PM
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
--- Jane Wagner

=====

A customer at Morris Green's' Gourmet Grocery marveled
at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies,
lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since
you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it:
Fish heads.
You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the
store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and
he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Morris. The customer goes
home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back
and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for
$4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish
for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."

=====



Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 05, 2011, 07:19:55 PM
Ha! Good one! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 05, 2011, 07:43:03 PM
“I don’t own a computer. They haven’t completed inventing them yet.
If they worked, not every business in the world would have a
department to fix them. They don’t have a department to fix pencils!”

 Fran Lebowitz
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 05, 2011, 08:38:39 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/Workit2.gif)

... and a one and a two and a three .....


Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: SenZ on May 05, 2011, 09:48:50 PM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/5qm21.jpeg?w=500&h=669)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: WordBird on May 05, 2011, 10:09:26 PM
I may have posted this before, but I still giggle when I see it.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Joe Mynhardt on May 06, 2011, 01:23:55 AM
Ha Ha . . . good stuff.  :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: HPvD on May 06, 2011, 10:13:42 AM
Thanks for asking,

Actually I have on a special Games Blogspot I once made, all kinds of   
Daily Jokes automatically streamed out there....,

Besides an On line Game named 'The Money Tree Game',
you can find there - amongst other things - things like:

* Funny Quote of the Day
* Joke of the Day
* (Most Funny YouTube Video)
* Today's Cartoon.


You will even find there a Shout Box and a Live Chat,  
Feel free to have a look, it was originally intended also as a 'Meeting Point' on the Net,
only I haven't wrote any posts on that blog for ages,
and hardly anybody ever visits that blog.

It's pathetically unsuccessful,
It's a Joke! :)

Feel free to have a look anyway.

All the Best,
To your Happy -Writing - Inspiration,
HP




 



Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 06, 2011, 04:53:03 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/alcoholblood.jpg)

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 06, 2011, 09:09:17 PM
Sometimes Looks Can Be Deceptive

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied: “Damn! I didn’t recognize you.”

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 07, 2011, 04:01:14 PM
Thought I'd stop in and bug ya'll for awhile   ;D
                              (http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/flyqb6.gif)

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Silt on May 07, 2011, 04:02:18 PM
Ha   :) Ha!  :D HA!  ;D

Loved that one, B3
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 07, 2011, 04:07:47 PM
Clever little 'bugger, aren't you?  ;-)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 07, 2011, 04:12:15 PM
 ;D   ;D   ;D 
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 08, 2011, 03:48:24 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/papertrainingthedog.jpg)

paper training the dog


Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 08, 2011, 04:47:13 PM
Left click to enlarge.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 08, 2011, 05:01:22 PM
Yeh baby!!!!   ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 10, 2011, 04:53:39 PM
                                           My parents' motto

(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/BKandMcD.jpg)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 12, 2011, 07:48:28 PM
A few daft definitions:

Reintarnation:  Coming back again as a Hillbilly.

Kindred:  Fear of family.

Dictionary:  (Dick-shunnery)  Lesbian behaviour.

I used to have a whole list of these, but this late at night these are all I can remember.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 12, 2011, 08:41:52 PM
Hilarious, Gyppo! I love 'Kindred'!! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 12, 2011, 08:53:28 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/canyouhearmenow.jpg)

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 13, 2011, 05:54:06 AM
too good not to share...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aku1XE5wHMY&feature=related

A true little black bandana bad-ass, tattooed knuckles 'n' all.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Lin on May 13, 2011, 08:36:34 AM
Spot the deliberate mistake - photo taken a few days ago in Austria.

Can you imagine it?

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 13, 2011, 10:59:42 AM
too good not to share...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aku1XE5wHMY&feature=related

A true little black bandana bad-ass, tattooed knuckles 'n' all.


Toooooooo cute!!!  :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 13, 2011, 11:02:58 AM
Spot the deliberate mistake - photo taken a few days ago in Austria.

Can you imagine it?

I'm not seeing it. Maybe I need to wake up a bit more. :(
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Lin on May 13, 2011, 04:22:26 PM
Frocks  -  Should be FROGS surely if there is a picture of a frog on the advert?  It's the way the Germans (Austrians)  pronounce 'Frogs'   Sounds like FROCKS so they wrote it that way!  I think it's an error.

Lin x
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 13, 2011, 04:46:52 PM
Oh, I see! I thought maybe it was a foreign word for frogs! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 13, 2011, 08:00:30 PM
I was curious enough to visit their website.  Seems like the blue frog is big business.

The German for frog is spelt frosch, so quite possibly the signwriter was writing how it sounds rather than how it looks.

Babelfish did a fair (undersandable) translation of their homepage.

ICEFROCKS is the quality mark for professional Convenience ice - in particular ice cube and Crushed ice - in practical taking along packings. ICEFROCKS stands for ice-cooled freshness with the blue frog as unmistakable brand name. ICEFROCKS it gives everywhere in Germany with approximately 6,000 partners - predominant at gas stations, with beverage markets and in the food retail trade. ICEFROCKS high-quality Convenience ice - ice cube, Crushed ice, Scherbeneis - with one of the largest and most modern industrial plants in Germany produces. ICEFROCKS the certified ice products supply European-wide at private and corporate customers (bulk purchaser, dealer, big consumer, gastronomer, Caterer,

I still don't know what Scherbeneis is though.  Babelfish often jibs at single out-of-context words.  Anyone out there who knows German who can enlighten me?  It's going to bug me now until I know ;-)

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 13, 2011, 08:11:53 PM
Flaked ice, shaved ice

I checked it on Google Translate. :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 13, 2011, 08:17:02 PM
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.

“Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?” he asked.

“Yes, I do,” she replied.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?”

“Yes, I do,” she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, ” You know, I would have gotten out today.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Lin on May 14, 2011, 03:15:05 AM
Perhaps someone ought to feel sorry for the frog!  It does seem like an error though doesn't it?

Lin x
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 14, 2011, 06:13:06 AM
Three Rednecks are in a pickup truck when it runs off a bridge into deep water.

The driver winds down his window, wriggles out, and swims to safety.

The two riding in the back drown because they can't get the tailgate down.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 14, 2011, 12:00:56 PM
Three Rednecks are in a pickup truck when it runs off a bridge into deep water..........
Gyppo

  ::)   :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 14, 2011, 06:40:45 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/FriendsWeird.jpg)

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 15, 2011, 06:14:23 PM
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, “Bring me my Red Shirt.” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?” The captain replied, “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.”

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 15, 2011, 06:22:59 PM
... and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.


If I was a big bad pirate I might think twice about attacking a ship captained by a man who wasn't afraid to wear a red frock into battle ;-) 
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 15, 2011, 06:30:29 PM
:D  ;D  :D  ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 16, 2011, 09:40:02 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/funny-pictures-mamm.jpg)

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 17, 2011, 06:54:00 PM
I may have posted this before, but I still giggle when I see it.

I don't know how I missed this one! Just now saw it!!

Tooooo funny! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 17, 2011, 06:59:13 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/Expensivevehicle.jpg)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Lin on May 18, 2011, 04:26:07 AM
Many years ago my father used to be a commercial traveller working with the auto industry.  He had been cleaning out a car as a demonstration of a new upholstery cleaning product.

On arriving home for tea, Mum and I could smell this most revolting pong. Dad's sense of smell has deteriorated and he didn't think it was a problem but WE DID! As the evening progressed the smell got worse.  The house was full of it.  He promised to go and get a bath  About an hour later, we could smell it again.  The bath hadn't done anything for him.  It was on his skin and no matter how hard he tried to disguise it, the smell wouldn't go away.

We laughed, we cried and poor Dad was banished out of the lounge for the rest of the evening.  Mum went to bed and refused to sleep with him.  I locked myself in my room.  (I was twelve years old) The following day he got a call from the car dealer complaining that the car he had just cleaned was unsaleable and they would sue the company responsible.  As it happens the product has 'gone off' and whatever was inside would take a long time to disperse. 

Poor Dad, we did our best to help him disguise the smell, deodorants, talcum powder, perfume.  He went to work in the following days smelling of obnoxious upholstery cleaner and perfume.  We weren't sure what was best.  Eventually the situation was sorted and Dad also got compensation for his 'injuries'.

So next time you use a new product, test it first! 

Lin x

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 18, 2011, 12:47:13 PM
Oh my! Quite a story, Lin! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Lin on May 18, 2011, 01:53:34 PM
An easy way to learn about economics...
 
 
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated
general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven
cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 18, 2011, 02:09:13 PM
:D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 19, 2011, 04:17:03 AM
For anyone with teenage daughters and a horrendous phone bill here's some advice.

Buy her/them a phoneless cord.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on May 19, 2011, 09:13:47 AM
Understanding engineers

Understanding Engineers One :
 
  Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
 
  The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
 
  The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


  Understanding Engineers Two
 
  To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
  To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
  To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


  Understanding Engineers Three
 
  A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
 
  The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
  The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
  He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
 
  The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
 
  The group fell silent for a moment.
 
  The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
  The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
 
  The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


  Understanding Engineers Four
 
  What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
 
  Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
 


  Understanding Engineers Five
 
  The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
  The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
  The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
  The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


  Understanding Engineers Six
 
  Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
 
  One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
  Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who   else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
 


  Understanding Engineers Seven
 
  Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
  Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
 


  Understanding Engineers Eight
 
  An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
 
  The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
 
  Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
 
  Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
 
  The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." 
 
 ------------------------
 
  Now here’s one from General Schwarzkopf
 
  In a recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought
  there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored
  and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
 
  His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
 
  The General said:
 
  “I believe that forgiving them is God's function. OUR job is to arrange that meeting”
 
 
  This one should be sent to our home and foreign ministers. 
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 19, 2011, 01:22:37 PM
Good ones, Gyppo and Sio!!

I especially like the General Schwarzkopf quote!! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Andrewf on May 19, 2011, 02:03:22 PM
Understanding engineers
...


OMG! I'm an Engineer!!   :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on May 19, 2011, 02:07:04 PM
We won't tell anyone outside of MWC ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Andrewf on May 19, 2011, 02:10:07 PM
Well, I just kept nodding and thinking "Yup, that's sensible." :D :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on May 19, 2011, 02:13:26 PM
I really liked the one about designing the human body  - engineers do have a certain logic, which I appreciated. :D :D :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 19, 2011, 02:46:14 PM
I really liked the one about designing the human body  - engineers do have a certain logic, which I appreciated. :D :D :D

Oops! Missed that one first time around! Oh my, that one does make sense!! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 20, 2011, 08:41:10 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/hopetheyketchuptowhoeverdidthis.jpg)

hope they ketchup to whoever did this! :D


Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 20, 2011, 09:04:30 PM
Looks like someone's 'had their chips'.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 20, 2011, 09:19:54 PM
Children Writing About the Ocean...

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots And comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the Ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to Make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always Crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got Pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can Give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think They have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't Go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean, he knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on May 20, 2011, 09:22:35 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 20, 2011, 10:10:50 PM
:D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 21, 2011, 01:50:36 PM
“Punnies”

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
A boiled egg, is hard to beat.
When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on May 21, 2011, 02:03:24 PM
I like these :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 22, 2011, 12:16:59 PM
Found in The Wooden Horse, an online marketing newsletter.

7 of 10 copywriters believe they will be successful screenwriters some day.  The other 3 are female.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 22, 2011, 04:30:15 PM
:D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 22, 2011, 05:20:12 PM
I now it's a very serious business for some people, but here's a picture - genuine - of the environmentally friendly refrigerated vehicle they use to transport the little 'swimmers' from the Danish sperm bank to the clinic where the would-be mothers are waiting.

Left click if it's not already large enough.

Gyppo

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 22, 2011, 05:25:43 PM
Oh my god! Amazing they would do that! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Silt on May 22, 2011, 05:56:33 PM
:)

My first thought was this lad suffered from a localised form of Elephantiasis.

I wouldn't want him spilling his cargo on the streets. Their populated enough.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 22, 2011, 06:00:04 PM
I suppose it's free publicity.

Once upon a time they wore horned helmets and attacked in longships...  Now they ride sperm-cycles.

Certainly no job for a shy lad.  A man needs plenty of spunk to do that job ;-)

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 24, 2011, 06:21:44 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/dirtyminds.jpg)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 24, 2011, 06:27:02 PM
My mind must be only slightly grubby.  It took a while to register ;-)

I was distracted for a while by the 'dolphin' across the horse's forehead.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 24, 2011, 06:31:17 PM
Oh my! I never noticed that! Well, that tells you what kind of mind I have!  ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on May 24, 2011, 06:36:38 PM
I had to look for it - the muzzle didn't give anything away. ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Suemcb on May 25, 2011, 01:49:45 AM
It took a while but I knew there had to be something there so kept looking. Must be too old to have a dirty mind. ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: SilverArrow on May 25, 2011, 02:12:34 AM
(http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/funny-puns-lolwut.jpg)

I lol'd
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Amanda George on May 25, 2011, 07:33:19 AM
It took a while but I knew there had to be something there so kept looking. Must be too old to have a dirty mind. ;D ;D ;D ;D

It's taken several minutes and I still can't see whatever it is... maybe I'm too pure and innocent?   :-[
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Vienna on May 25, 2011, 07:34:43 AM

The importance of punctuation?


DEAR JOHN LETTER ONE:
 
Dear John:
 
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours? Gloria
 
 
DEAR JOHN LETTER TWO:
 
Dear John:
 
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 25, 2011, 10:25:00 AM

I lol'd

Hahahahahaha!! Good one, Silver! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 25, 2011, 10:40:15 AM
It's taken several minutes and I still can't see whatever it is... maybe I'm too pure and innocent?   :-[

The white blaze on the horse can be seen as the silhouette of a posing woman.

Ah well, there goes your innocence ;-).

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Amanda George on May 25, 2011, 12:16:20 PM
The white blaze on the horse can be seen as the silhouette of a posing woman.

Ah well, there goes your innocence ;-).

Gyppo

Thank you Gyppo!  lol  Time to go and have a look to see if I can find it now!  lol
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Amanda George on May 25, 2011, 12:18:27 PM
Thank you Gyppo!  lol  Time to go and have a look to see if I can find it now!  lol

My innocence has been shattered!  I've just seen it!  :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 25, 2011, 02:09:59 PM
Daft Definitions:

Envisaged.  Possessing a face like a chicken.

Creche.  A traffic accident involving two posh people.  (Not original, no idea of its origins.)

Shotgun.  A very surprised weapon.

Unaware.  Badly articulated undergarments.

Denial:  Large river in Egypt.

Washington:  Heavy laundry load.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on May 31, 2011, 12:52:36 PM
Back in the good old days...

Left click to enlarge.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 31, 2011, 12:56:42 PM
30 days for results!!!!!!! Wow!!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fort street on May 31, 2011, 01:23:48 PM

 I went to a swingers party.Everyone through their keys into a big bowl: I threw my keys in. an hour later I went home with the back door.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on May 31, 2011, 01:30:52 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/Illhavea.jpg)

That should just about cover it! :D


Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Idea on June 02, 2011, 05:34:49 PM
This is the kind of joke us copy-editors love (a sad bunch, but it's still quite a good joke if a little misandristic; sorry guys nothing personal).

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6".

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

 :D I x
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 02, 2011, 05:45:00 PM
*groan*  hahahahahaha!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on June 02, 2011, 06:08:45 PM
Love it.

English joke:

A woman goes into an English pub and asks the barman for a Double Entendre.

So he gave her one.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on June 02, 2011, 06:11:01 PM
Probably do need to be a native English speaker to understand how funny that is. :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on June 04, 2011, 10:13:56 AM
Doctor to Patient:  "Well its quite simple. But only you can decide which will fit best into your hectic lifestyle.  Exercising for one hour, three times a week, or being dead 24/7."

=====

How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin
blindfolded?

You don't have to be good to get everyone's attention.

=====

And a string or Irish jokes....

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
 
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
 
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
 
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
 
===
 
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
 
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ."
 
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.

===
 
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
 
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
 
"No," shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

===
 
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a fir tree, then another, then another.
 
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
 
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
 
Cop says, "For Gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
about!"

===
 
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
 
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
 
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
 
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
 
"Here boy," he replies.

===
 
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.
 
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
 
"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.
 
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
 
"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
 
===

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 04, 2011, 10:50:50 AM
Hahahahaha!! The Irish jokes sound like our 'dumb blond' jokes here!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on June 04, 2011, 11:19:34 AM
Or 'Newfie' jokes in Canada.  Every country has it's 'standard idiot' who, in some jokes, isn't quite as daft as he/she first seems.

=====

A redhead goes the the doctor.

"Doctor, no matter where I touch myself it hurts."  She demonstrates by poking her head, her knee, her wrist, her stomach, etc, each poke accompanied by an "Ouch."

"Ummm..." says the Doctor, "You're not a natural redhead are you?"

"No.  I'm a blonde.  But how did you know?"

"You've got a broken finger."

=====

Two men in a bar.  One says, "I never had sex with my wife before we married.  What about you?"

"I dunno.  What was her maiden name?"

=====

Q:  How do you get a redhead to change her mind?

A:  Wait ten seconds.

=====
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 04, 2011, 11:22:53 AM
Oh-oh! Redhead jokes? Better be careful or Sio and I may come after you with our red-headed tempers! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on June 04, 2011, 11:28:27 AM
Temper? :o
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 04, 2011, 11:42:20 AM
 ;D   ;D   ;D   :P
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on June 04, 2011, 11:58:32 AM
I fear no redhead, being a 'stealth redhead' myself ;-)  My hair may have been black before it turned grey, but there are still some coppery hairs in the beard.  Dad was as a real 'Ginger', and both Sis and I have several of the characteristics without the colouring.  Thus the term 'Stealth Redhead'.

Being comparatively new you won't have met my Muse, a little six inch tall redhead...

http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/topic,29296.msg502718.html#msg502718

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 04, 2011, 12:30:26 PM
Ohhhh!! I love her!!! You are a lucky man! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on June 04, 2011, 12:55:33 PM
Two nuns, Sister Agatha and Sister Angela are driving through Transylvania late one night when Count Dracula suddenly swoops down out of the sky, lands on the bonnet of their little Morris 1000, and starts leering at them.

Agatha, the driver, gets annoyed because he'd blocking her view and beeps the horn whilst making a shooing motion.

Dracula just grins, shows his fangs, and starts chewing one of the windscreen wipers.

Agatha stops the car,  gets out, and thumps him.  Angela stays inside.

"Get off you silly man."

He grins again and starts on the second wiper.

"Begone you spawn of Lucifer,"  Agatha says.  "I command you to leave this place."

Dracula hisses, stands up, spreads his wings, and opens his mouth.

"Show him your cross." Angela shouts from the safety of the car.  But Agatha can't hear because of the crashing of thunder.

"What?"

"Show him your cross." Angela screams through the little gap at the top of the window.

Agatha nods with sudden understanding, draws herself up to her full five feet two, stamps her foot, and shouts "Fuck Off!"

=====

That's my second 'F' word of the day, so I've used up my month's quota already.

Gyppo

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 04, 2011, 01:03:40 PM
HAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!

Second 'F' word of the day? If I had a quota, that would be for the hour!  :o
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Idea on June 04, 2011, 01:18:37 PM
Thank you Gyppo, the Nun joke is officially my 2nd favourite of all time  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 04, 2011, 03:22:07 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/jabbergasted.jpg)

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on June 04, 2011, 08:21:39 PM
Here's a link to  a 'Horse Choir'.

Click on the individual horses to make them start or stop 'singing'.

http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf

Horse number four I don't like.  I'd send it to the glue factory ;-)

The first two on their own sound a bit like background music for a film about Australian Aborigines.

Have fun.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 04, 2011, 08:40:52 PM
Oh my! Hahahahaha! I agree with your description!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 07, 2011, 08:16:13 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/needs.jpg)

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Silt on June 08, 2011, 07:22:21 AM

Awww that's so cute, B :)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on June 08, 2011, 09:26:20 AM
It's a cat!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on June 08, 2011, 12:41:20 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D Its a cat  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Creche Gyp - I heard it on I Havn't a Clue along with SEX a place the queen keeps the coal.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 08, 2011, 12:42:38 PM
It's a cat!

And your point is? :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on June 08, 2011, 12:50:21 PM
reminiscent of IT a PUPPET.  ???
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on June 08, 2011, 12:53:58 PM

Sorry B, language/culture variations I think.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on June 08, 2011, 03:01:42 PM
if you like cats this 'party animal' will amuse you.  If not then you probably shouldn't bother clicking the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x47vAoY8Gs4

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on June 08, 2011, 03:09:19 PM
Even better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1P7pFuuKrs&NR=1

Note the tail in the air 'Arseholes to you' walk right at the end.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 08, 2011, 03:10:09 PM
hahahahaha!! That cat knows how to party!! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 08, 2011, 03:11:38 PM
oh!!!!!!! the 2nd one is hilarious!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 08, 2011, 06:03:23 PM
There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited:
“Hi! I’m a zebra, what are you?”

“I’m a cow” said the cow.
“Right, and what do you do?” asked the zebra.
“I make milk for the farmer” said the cow.
“Cool.”

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.
“Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I’m a chicken,” said the chicken.
“Oh, right, what do you do?” asked the zebra.
“I make eggs for the farmer.” said the chicken.
“Right – o, great, see ya round.”

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said:
“Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”

“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.
“Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?”
“Take off your pajamas darling, and I’ll show you.”

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on June 08, 2011, 06:05:35 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 08, 2011, 09:11:21 PM
During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 10, 2011, 11:35:48 AM
Shopping

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on June 10, 2011, 03:16:58 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: WordBird on June 10, 2011, 03:18:56 PM
 :)

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: WordBird on June 10, 2011, 03:19:41 PM
Or this:
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on June 10, 2011, 03:20:27 PM
Are you cross WB? :-\
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: WordBird on June 10, 2011, 03:21:36 PM
What....I think those are funny.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 10, 2011, 03:26:47 PM
Love the first one best!!! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 10, 2011, 03:29:35 PM
Reminds me of this one.........

(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/tumblr_lco8m1AtGq1qbsk8ao1_500.jpg)

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: WordBird on June 10, 2011, 03:31:51 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

Great One!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on June 10, 2011, 03:35:16 PM
As I heard a very busy - and organised - man say when someone once asked him to do one extra thing too many.

"No problem.  Would you like me to shove a broom handle up my arse and sweep the floor as well while I'm at it?"
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 10, 2011, 03:39:36 PM
Another good one!! :D :D :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on June 10, 2011, 03:58:39 PM
No-one should attempt Anger Management on their own.  It is so much better when properly equipped. You need need our club.

Left click to enlarge.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 10, 2011, 04:05:51 PM
Yep! That would definitely work for me! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on June 22, 2011, 04:29:27 PM
A week or so of gleanings from the web.  Many things make me smile, but not all earn a quick cut and paste into my magic clipboard ;-)

=====

"Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the
first chapter."
-- J. P. McEvoy

Or the heroine.

=====

I carried my date, slung over my shoulder, into my parent's house.  She was passed out.

"Liquor?" asked my dad
.
"Nope, but banged her four times." I replied.

=====

Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work late," mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."

"Me, I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a capitalist spy."

"And I'm here for always getting to work on time," added the third. "They said that proved I had an American watch."

=====

Two manufacturers requiring a private secretary called in a psychologist.  After testing more than thirty applicants, the psychologist eliminated all but three of them.In the final test, the first girl was called in.

"How much is three and three the dome-prober asked.

"Six," she replied.

The second girl was asked the same question and replied, "It could be thirty-three."

The third one answered, "It could be six and it could be thirty-three."

When the girls left the room, the psychologist turned proudly to the partners and said, "That's logic
for you.  You noted that the first girl had the obvious answer, the second girl showed more imagination, and the third showed both practicality and imagination.

"Now which girl will you hire?"

The partners moved over to the opposite corner of the room, conferred briefly and then announced
their decision.

"We'll take the busty blonde in the tight sweater."

=====

I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted to 'pull a a sickie'??

You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again?... I'm cured?"

=====

The young woman approached the executive in front of his office and said, "Please sir, give to take a wayward girl off the street."

"And how much do you suggest I give?" he asked.

"It depends," she smiled, "Entirely on how long you want to keep her off of it."

=====

Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat.

Examples are Ice Cream, Frozen pies, and popsicles.

=====


















Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 22, 2011, 06:23:28 PM
Good ones!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on June 26, 2011, 05:23:16 AM
A PSYCHOLOGIST is a man who watches everyone else
when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Some writers do this too ;-)

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 28, 2011, 05:45:34 PM
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Excelsior restaurant because the waitress’s there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Excelsior restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Excelsior restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Excelsior restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Excelsior restaurant because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Silt on June 28, 2011, 05:52:30 PM
*chorkle* :)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Idea on June 29, 2011, 03:12:25 AM
Have to say it..."waitresses" plural (feel better now, sorry!!!)
I
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on June 29, 2011, 09:38:49 AM
BBB, I started writing something about a resturant...-... I can't remember now. Oh well!  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on June 29, 2011, 01:00:08 PM
:D :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: jan summer on June 29, 2011, 09:22:14 PM
Posted on my fridge: I'm so open-minded my brains are falling out!!!
I also have a letter to the Hefty Bag people, but I'll have to post that later.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on July 02, 2011, 06:32:11 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/arewethereyet.jpg)

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on July 02, 2011, 08:19:35 PM
Scrounged from the net:

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

=====

John had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, would you object if I shagged your brains out?"

"That is something I have never done before," the date replied.

"You mean you're a virgin?" John exclaimed.

"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

=====

I brought a porn film home for me and my wife to watch as she was saying we needed to spice up our sex life but when I told her it was a homemade movie involving a local girl and two guys, she told me
to sit down as she had something important to tell me.

I can't believe my wife had a twin sister all these years and she's only just telling me now.

=====



Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on July 02, 2011, 08:29:17 PM
OMG!!! First one and third one= too funny! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on July 11, 2011, 10:03:28 AM
Who knows...

Left click to enlarge
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on July 11, 2011, 10:06:37 AM
If your desk looks like this in the morning, or, worse still, when you wake up at 4pm, I suggest a prompt return to sleep is in order.  You sure as hell won't be doing anything productive for the next few hours.

Left click to enlarge
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on July 11, 2011, 10:09:50 AM
I don't see why it shouldn't be like the Olympics.  Surely every fourth year would be enough...

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on July 11, 2011, 10:15:58 AM
It would work...

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on July 11, 2011, 12:55:54 PM
Hahahaha!!!! All good ones, Gyppo! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on July 12, 2011, 04:26:12 PM
A friend sent me this one today...

Dave & Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'  

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.  You wanna try it?'  

So they pour themselves two glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.  

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised how good he  feels.

In fact he feels GREAT!  NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.  Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel  this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'  

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.  We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'  

'What's that?'

'Don't fart, whatever you do.  I'm phoning from New  Zealand.'

=====

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on July 12, 2011, 04:28:02 PM
Oh jeez!!!!!!!! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on July 12, 2011, 07:54:33 PM
A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops...

Our local council office has just had a refit.  All the staff have new work stations ;-)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on July 12, 2011, 08:03:07 PM
That sounds about right! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on July 14, 2011, 01:38:28 PM
A friend sent this to me today.

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on July 14, 2011, 02:03:32 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Yep!!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Lin on July 14, 2011, 04:16:54 PM
Now listen 'ere you 'orrible lot - if you wanna put me on your desk top I look great. Maginify the pic and you'll see wot I mean!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on July 14, 2011, 04:27:08 PM
Hahahahaha!! That's cute! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Idea on July 23, 2011, 09:42:09 AM
Interesting typo  http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/mediamonkeyblog/2011/jul/22/bbc-speaking-clock-media-monkey
 (http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/mediamonkeyblog/2011/jul/22/bbc-speaking-clock-media-monkey)

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on July 23, 2011, 12:01:24 PM
Oh my!! Hahahahaha!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on July 23, 2011, 12:05:46 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/kickinback.gif)  Hmmm...... got writer's block?

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on July 29, 2011, 11:04:03 AM
I've probably posted this before at some point, but there's days when it seems perfect.  Today is such a day.

Left click to read.

Gyppo

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on July 29, 2011, 12:25:26 PM
Might amuse some of you here

The Black Hole

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5_Msrdg3Hk
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Spell Chick on July 29, 2011, 12:54:29 PM
http://www.wimp.com/dogsargument/

dog argument with subtitles.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on July 29, 2011, 04:19:14 PM
Love the black hole ;-)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on July 29, 2011, 04:20:28 PM
Can you imagine trying to explain it when you were rescued/discovered? ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on July 29, 2011, 04:32:06 PM
Gyppo, I feel like that every day. hahahaha!

Siobhan, The Black Hole would be very cool to have! You're right, he's going to have trouble explaining his way out of that! :D

Spellchick, the dogs were hilarious! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on July 30, 2011, 05:27:33 AM
A Blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the
tip of her left index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," Judy replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by
shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" Judy said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I
thought: I just paid $3,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not
shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid
$3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself
in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to
make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before
I pulled the trigger."

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on July 30, 2011, 05:54:22 AM
Doctor to patient:  "It's quite simple.  You just have to decide which will fit best into your busy schedule.  Exercising for one hour, three times a week, or being dead for 24/7."
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Spell Chick on July 30, 2011, 07:26:23 AM
Doctor to patient:  "It's quite simple.  You just have to decide which will fit best into your busy schedule.  Exercising for one hour, three times a week, or being dead for 24/7."

Tee hee

I just finished my one hour (55 minutes actually, I must be a shrink or lawyer to have an hour less than 60 minutes) walk. But on work days, I only walk 30-45 minutes. I'm happy to report, I'm not dead yet.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Chrissie on July 30, 2011, 08:47:15 AM
 ;DLoved the dogs - it got my dog into a frenzy trying to find them!!! And loved the Black hole - decided I wanted one until he got stuck in the safe.

Guy goes to the doctor. "I think I've got a lettuce growing out of my bum." Doctor takes a look and says "Bad news, this is just the tip of the iceberg"

Another guy goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I keep singing The Green Green Grass of Home." "Ah," says the doctor. "You've got Tom JOnes Syndrome." Is it common?" asks the guy. Doctor says "It's not unusual"
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on July 30, 2011, 12:29:15 PM
Good ones everyone!! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Spell Chick on July 30, 2011, 07:12:20 PM
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8900617592234102951

I don't believe this was supposed to be giggle inducing, but you just have to love looking into the past with today's eyes.

The hair, the little curlers in the hair, the ironing, the candle thing, and that neat old car. I'm not sure, but I think the black line on the white shirt was supposed to be a tie.

Oh my.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Chrissie on July 31, 2011, 06:25:54 AM
 ;D That was really funny - it's really hard to believe that people thought and acted like that and amazing that attitudes have changed so much in a relatively short space of time! Can't imagine sitting in the car and waiting for my husband to open the door and as to waiting on him and worrying about what the house looks like!

A quick joke.
Guy goes to the doctor who tells him he needs to do some tests. "I'll need a blood sample, urine and stool sample and a semen sample."
Guy "I'm in a hurry. Can I just leave my underpants?"
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on July 31, 2011, 02:38:57 PM
A dog with his own decorating ideas.

http://www.lifewithdogs.tv/2011/07/gus-vs-pool/
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on July 31, 2011, 02:58:12 PM
Smart dog!!! Tooooo funny!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on July 31, 2011, 09:19:08 PM
The three bears, Daddy, Mummy, and Baby, were just about to sit down to breakfast when a black and white animal burst in through the front door.  Before anyone could even speak it scooped up the three bowls of porridge, one after the other, and tipped them down it's throat.

What the f...?"  Daddy Bear started to speak, but a shot rang out and he fell dead on the floor. 

The intruder blew the smoke from his gun barrel and left.

"What was that?"  Asked Baby.

"A Panda",  says Mummy Bear.

"What's a Panda."

"Look it up", Mummy is busy checking over Daddy Bear.

Baby gets the dictionary...

Panda:  Eats shoots and leaves.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on August 01, 2011, 09:35:04 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/19902008.jpg)       Yep!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on August 02, 2011, 04:30:12 AM
Ouch ;-)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Spell Chick on August 02, 2011, 07:28:02 AM
I have to share that image with Facebook. Thanks.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Spell Chick on August 02, 2011, 08:05:49 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0rrLdWLu_0&feature=player_embedded

how Irish dancing got started. hahahahahha
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Chrissie on August 02, 2011, 08:34:17 AM
 ;D ;D
Spell Chick - very very funny. What did we do for laughs before YouTube!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on August 02, 2011, 02:41:54 PM
Good one, Spell Chick! hahahaha!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on August 03, 2011, 07:53:47 AM
Spell Chick,  ;D  ;D  ;D great, most of us have done that dance.

Chrissie, before You Tube we had Fire-Fly.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on August 04, 2011, 12:50:26 AM
Why we like the British

True Reports from British life .........!!!

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

 Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
 (The Daily Telegraph)

 Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
 (The Manchester Evening News)

 Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
 (The Guardian)

 A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
 (The Times)

 At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
 (Aberdeen Evening Express)

 Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
 (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

 2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

 3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Barking and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

 4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

 5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

 6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

 8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

 9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

 10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

 11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

 12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

 13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

 14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on August 04, 2011, 05:22:42 AM
Thanks Siobhan, that started my day just right.  ;D

I have tried sending photo of my G/daughter, first it was a 6 month scan, by mistake, then it seems I am trying to send more than the allowed 250 thingies.

Shall try again later.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on August 04, 2011, 08:53:31 AM
If you compress it that should reduce it enough for you to be able to post it Trevor. ;)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on August 04, 2011, 08:54:40 AM

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
 


Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
 
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
 
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
 "Catatonics and High Colonics"... No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"... thumbs down.
Then came "Minds and Behinds"... still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes"... unacceptable!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts"... not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts"... no way.
 "Freaks and Cheeks"... still no good.
 "Loons and Moons"... forget it.
 
The docs finally came up with "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends"
 Everyone loved it.
 
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on August 04, 2011, 10:19:08 AM
Dr Smith & Dr Jones  ;D- Top to Bottom may have worked.

Still trying Sio, by the time I get photo to the size acceptable she will have started school.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on August 04, 2011, 11:23:01 AM
If you've got Microsoft's latest stuff on your machine . . . go to all programs, select Microsoft Office, then select Microsoft Office 2010 Tools, then select Microsoft Office Picture Manager. Once you've called that up, copy your picture, save it, call it up again and compress it for web document [I think] remember to save it. (It will tell you the size it is now . . . if under 250kb, you're there!) ;)

When you check your pictures folder you should now have your original photo and a compressed version - use the compressed version as the attachment for here.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on August 06, 2011, 08:47:40 AM
Sio darling, I am still cranking this thing up with a handle, the latest tools I have to do with this computer, is a battery, put in the mouse about 12 months ago, or probably longer.

I really want to send a photo, so I have asked my daughter to email me some the size required, when i get them I will post.

I have to admire your patients Sio, but you are trying to explain to a DORK.

I am always afraid of pressing leavers, turning knobs, and cranking handles, just in case a gremlin jumps out at me and swallows everything on the computer. Even holding you're hand while pressing keys makes me nervous.

This is quite an old machine, that tends to whir alarmingly most of the time, as yet no smoke has crept from it, YET.

Thank you Sio for all your valuable advice.
 
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on August 08, 2011, 12:00:33 PM
Forwarded to me by my Sis.

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club together.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a  Thai. "
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on August 08, 2011, 12:29:01 PM
Hahahahaha! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on August 09, 2011, 05:21:31 AM
Thirteen different nationalities (As described by Gyppo) went to a night club. The doorman said who is the odd one out?
The bouncer said, I don't know, but I told them all to piss off.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on August 10, 2011, 08:09:53 AM
We who have taught, or love children who have been taught, know this is funny! 


From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher


My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"


And so it does...



" A f r i c a n Elephant "


Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on August 10, 2011, 10:16:53 AM
VERY funny!!!! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on August 11, 2011, 04:55:18 AM
Nice one Sio.  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Spell Chick on August 11, 2011, 06:32:18 AM
Learning to read by association with the real world. LOL
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on August 11, 2011, 04:09:27 PM
Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offense meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offense taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Pat: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Er ... mmm ....... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Seamus: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Seamus: - Nope

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on August 14, 2011, 05:31:25 AM
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights
being held in the area around Crowley, and duly dispatched the
infamous detective Boudreaux to investigate.

He reported to his sergeant the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one
night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight.

I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the
fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved
when summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was
involved?"

"De duck won."

=====
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on August 14, 2011, 11:18:31 AM
Hahahaha!! :)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on August 14, 2011, 01:55:11 PM
Because you never know when inspiration will strike...

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on August 14, 2011, 01:59:52 PM
Hahahaha! I could use that! I get my best ideas in there-- sometimes.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on August 14, 2011, 02:57:51 PM
I once wrote something in a tent on the North Cornwall Coast, during a Force 10 Atlantic Gale, using toilet paper because it was the only thing available, plus a brown eyebrow pencil.  The latter, I hasten to add, was borrowed.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on August 14, 2011, 03:09:20 PM
:D :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on August 17, 2011, 05:06:48 PM
        A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

        Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

        The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

        The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

        'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'

        The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.

        A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.  He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

        'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

        'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'


Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on August 17, 2011, 05:21:28 PM
Someone sent me this today.  It's the sort of thing I may have been tempted to do under those circumstances, except I'd never wait that long unless the waitress made an effort and told me there was a problem.  As long as I'm informed I can be quite patient.

Left click to enlarge.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on August 17, 2011, 06:15:07 PM
Blonde joke is hilarious!!! :D

I'd be tempted to do the same on no service. Like you, I wouldn't have waited 30 minutes!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on August 17, 2011, 06:55:21 PM
Assuming it is genuine what I liked is the fact they've made a protest, but done no real damage.  It will wipe off easily enough.

I was out with the extended family one evening for dinner, about eight of us, and the service hit a sudden go slow right after the starter course..

My eldest daughter asked the waitress if there was a problem.  

"Yes, just a little.  The chef and two of his staff have just walked out on us."

"Well, do you need some help in the kitchen?  There's three of us around this table who know our way around a commercial kitchen if you've got spare aprons, and we're not doing anything else right now."

It was a genuine enough offer, and the waitress passed it on to the manager.  When she came back she said some temporary staff had been drafted in and things were coming back to life in the kitchen.

When we finished eating the manager came over and told us she was knocking the cost of our deserts off the bill because we'd been so understanding, and asked if we'd like another round of drinks. We declined the drinks because we wanted to get home, but the offer was appreciated.

Plus they had the sense to turn customers away for an hour or so until things were back in full swing again.
If other places handled problems as well and as openly there would be a lot less dissatisfied customers.

I heard someone else saying "Sorry, we're going somewhere else because we're starving.  But we'll be back another time.  It's not your fault."

Gyppo  

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on August 17, 2011, 07:19:48 PM
That was really cool of you/your family! The other people leaving, but being kind about it, is amazing too! Wow!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on August 17, 2011, 07:40:47 PM
Just part of growing up and being British, as we say ;-)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on August 19, 2011, 07:05:41 AM
AOL on-line 'Reminders'

For those of you not on or familiar with American on Line (AOL), they have recently started putting up a message when you've been online for 46 minutes making sure you are really there and active. A typical
session could end up looking like this:

You have been online for 46 minutes:
Do you want to stay online ?
Please respond within 10 seconds or you will be logged off

You have been online for 92 minutes:
Not to put any pressure on you, but there ARE other people in the world.
Let's show some consideration and sign off, whaddya say ?

You do realize that you've been online for 184 minutes, right ? When
was the last time you went outside ? Don't you have any worthwhile
hobbies or anything ?

OK. This is getting ridiculous now !
Frankly, you're starting to piss us off !
If you sign off now, we'll bring back your Buddy List OK ?

You have been online for 260 minutes now !!
We promised you unlimited time, we know...
BUT can't you just finish up now and go read a good book ?

You have been online for 307 minutes:
Do you remember your family members' names ?
Aren't you tired/thirsty/hungry ?

You have been online for 373 minutes:
Your spouse has left you and your dog is starving
Do you wish to remain online ?

You have been online 424 minutes:
We're dispatching someone to your house to yank the phone cord.  I mean,we've been more than patient with ya

You have been online 452 minutes:
Do you KNOW how many hours that is?
Log off now, avoid unnecessary violence and bloodshed

You have been online for 481 minutes:
Do you know how many complaints we get about busy phone lines ? Do
you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day over this ? Do you care?

You have been online for 537 minutes:
When AOL went unlimited we didn't think you'd take it literally Now
get the Hell off-line before we go broke !

You have been on 619 minutes:
This is Steve (your CEO) I need to sign on m'self and do some mail
Could you please sign off ? Thanks!

You have been cybering for 659 minutes:
Didn't your mom ever tell you that'd make you go blind ?
Sign off now while you can still read this message.

You have been on 775 minutes:
Are you and your family chatting in shifts ?
Scheesch! Click off already!

You have been on 793 minutes:
Welcome to our team...
See job application enclosed (If ya can't beat em, hire em) But don't return by unreliable e-mail

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on August 19, 2011, 10:19:06 AM
Hahahaha!! Thank goodness they don't have that anymore!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on August 19, 2011, 07:02:08 PM
There are certain problems in life which only a writer can face, understand, and then solve.  For example...

I spent nearly twenty minutes sat here trying to take my hat off, nearly breaking my neck in the process.  Then I realised I'd inadvertently hit the [Caps Lock] key.

A while back my lady was having trouble getting undressed for bed until we realised her [Shift Lock] was down.

And she was bitterly disappointed to realise that leaning over my shoulder and pressing the [Insert] key didn't immediately make her the centre of attention rather than what I was writing.

[Home] doesn't teleport unwanted guests back to their own residence.  (If only...)

[Alt], rather fortunately, doesn't realign your gender by 180 degrees.

[Ctrl], disappointingly,  is nowhere near as powerful as the name suggests.

[Page Up] and [Page Down] may serve some useful function in a Royal setting, but I wouldn't know.

[Pause] will sometimes cause a dyslexic cat to appear and start mauling at your keyboard.

The various arrow keys will not, under normal circumstances, turn you into a target for some crazed toxophilite.

As for the 'f' keys, they're a law unto themselves and shouldn't be mentioned in polite society.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on August 19, 2011, 09:12:59 PM
Left click to enlarge if necessary.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on August 19, 2011, 09:25:30 PM
So fa king low! hahahahaha!!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on August 23, 2011, 06:20:26 PM
Here's a sign which should appear more often.

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on August 23, 2011, 06:24:27 PM
Love it! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on August 23, 2011, 06:28:17 PM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/womenlivelonger.jpg)        Well, that's mean!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on September 05, 2011, 04:06:36 AM
It could be true...

Gyppo

================================================================

   I once created a short instructional film about the problems of safely transporting live ants to other enthusiasts.  It covered Royal Mail's policy regarding the shipping of live insects, international ant delivery, and all the other matters arising.

   Not being an imaginative type I couldn't come up with a snappy title, so (How To) Deliver Ants seemed perfectly functional.

   Somehow Hollywood got hold of the script and, as always, changed everything to suit the available actors and schedules.

   Deliverance, (1972)with Burt Reynolds and the banjo picking kid, completely missed the point.

================================================================


Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on September 05, 2011, 09:45:24 AM
Oh no!! Hahahaha!! Such an awful movie with the exception of the excellent banjo-pickin'! :)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on September 05, 2011, 11:14:04 AM
It's true.  "Cheer up!" they said, it could be worse.  So I cheered up and sure enough, it got worse.

Left click to enlarge.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on September 05, 2011, 11:38:18 AM
Oh no! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on September 06, 2011, 10:08:10 AM

Ha! Ha! Ha!  :D  :D  :D

I like that Gyp.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on September 21, 2011, 08:30:25 PM
Someone sent me this today...

Left click to enlarge

Gyppo

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on September 21, 2011, 08:39:53 PM
Love it! :D :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: DGSquared on September 21, 2011, 08:57:32 PM


A creation by my son and my husband. (http://www.youtube.com/user/greeneyeddg?feature=mhee#p/a/u/1/RehpshFf1QY)   <---Click - it won't bite you.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on September 21, 2011, 09:00:21 PM
Very cute!!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: DGSquared on September 21, 2011, 11:21:01 PM
It's true.  "Cheer up!" they said, it could be worse.  So I cheered up and sure enough, it got worse.

Left click to enlarge.

Gyppo

Of course it was a BLONDE.  :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 03, 2011, 04:50:23 AM
A .gif to make you smile.

You may need to left click to animate the little dude.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 03, 2011, 04:52:43 AM
Feeling stressed?  Computer giving you hassle.  Windows has the answer.

Left click for a larger measure.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 03, 2011, 05:00:43 AM
For the Goddess in your life...

Sacred Undies ;-)

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 03, 2011, 05:12:38 AM
Bored with flying.  Try WestJet for added adrenaline.

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 08, 2011, 01:47:00 PM
Sooner or later we all have a day like this.

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 08, 2011, 02:00:59 PM
I have those days at least 7 times a week! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on October 08, 2011, 05:15:10 PM
How I feel today.  ::)

(http://i470.photobucket.com/albums/rr61/firefly254/TheOlderIGet.jpg)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 08, 2011, 06:35:07 PM
firefly-- my sentiments exactly!!! hahahaha!!

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 15, 2011, 02:25:53 PM
In your journey through life you will meet some Real Bastards and some Complete and Utter Bastards.  So you can recognise the different types...

The man with the brown paper bag is the 'Complete and Utter' variety.

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 15, 2011, 02:33:29 PM
Ohhhhh! I'd have to beat the sh*t out of him if he pulled that on me!!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on October 15, 2011, 06:27:00 PM
This one always makes my mind boggle.  ;D

(http://img716.imageshack.us/img716/2977/halloweenwonder.jpg)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 15, 2011, 06:34:25 PM
Ewwwwww!!!!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 15, 2011, 07:43:23 PM
You don't get many of those to a pound, do you?
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on October 16, 2011, 12:40:56 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 16, 2011, 06:56:02 AM
The whole ensemble's bizarre, but the golden belly really freaks me out.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Silt on October 16, 2011, 08:07:42 AM
I don't remember W.W. ever needing a purse, but it is good to see she's a bit human.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on October 18, 2011, 11:19:01 AM

Those two walking down the road look strange, considering they must be on another planet.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Silt on October 18, 2011, 12:00:54 PM
Autograph Hounds. When will they leave her alone? :(
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 20, 2011, 05:09:15 PM
Left click to enlarge read the small print.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 20, 2011, 05:10:52 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am peeing my pants!!!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 20, 2011, 05:12:20 PM
Too much information ;-)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 20, 2011, 05:16:54 PM
Sorry! :D

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on October 20, 2011, 06:05:56 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D

I like it Gyp, might get one for my daughter.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 21, 2011, 05:42:37 AM
That pink hot-rod of little Snotty's is clearly the 'junior version'.

You won't be able to look at it now without thinking of the name ;-)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 21, 2011, 05:58:32 AM
Good question.

Left click to read small print.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 21, 2011, 09:16:47 AM
Oh my!! Hahahahahaha!!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on October 22, 2011, 01:22:55 AM
Halloween themed.  :D

(http://i470.photobucket.com/albums/rr61/firefly254/Halloween.jpg)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 22, 2011, 04:11:10 AM
Poor bloody dog.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on October 22, 2011, 05:39:10 AM
My thoughts exactly, the things humans do.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 22, 2011, 09:37:23 AM
Oh my! Hahahaha!! That dog's probably wondering WTH??!!

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on October 22, 2011, 08:19:16 PM
It's always the animals that get ill-treated ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 22, 2011, 08:24:26 PM
I dunno.  How do you think that poor costume felt having a dog shoved up its backside ;-)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on October 22, 2011, 08:33:41 PM
 :D :D :D You have a point (I'll say no more . . . it's bound to be taken the wrong way) ;D :o
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 23, 2011, 10:49:14 AM
For geologists and rock fans everywhere...

Left click to read small print.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 23, 2011, 10:52:58 AM
Yep!!!! :D

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on October 23, 2011, 11:03:36 AM
Brighton
Edinburgh
Peppermint
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 23, 2011, 11:53:15 AM
Bollocks...

There's an old story, probably at least 40 years old,  about a confectioner who was working his notice, and it was several days before anyone noticed that the thousands of sticks of 'Bournemouth' rock he'd been conscientiously churning out during his last week had "Bollocks" written all the way through them.

This tale may an an urban myth from before the days of urban myths, but I'd be truly upset if anyone ever proved it false.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on October 23, 2011, 05:37:43 PM
Love that Gyp, proof our minds don't all work the same.  :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on October 23, 2011, 06:33:59 PM
I found this rather interesting, somewhere in our outback.  ;D ;D

(http://i470.photobucket.com/albums/rr61/firefly254/snakes.jpg)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 23, 2011, 06:35:30 PM
Climb?  I reckon some of us could fly out ;-)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 25, 2011, 04:33:46 AM
Left click to read small print.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 25, 2011, 04:40:45 AM
Sticking with the milk theme...

Left click to enlarge.

(The lady has my sympathy.  I have, just once or twice, been known to 'correct graffiti'.)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on October 25, 2011, 06:06:18 AM
 :D :D

I have to say I have been tempted Gyp.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 25, 2011, 07:09:35 AM
The last time was a few years ago.  Someone had written on a railway bridge handrail 'All gyppos are basteds'.

Underneath I added 'Maybe, but at least we can spell correctly'.

=====

One of my all time favourite bits of graffiti was from a public toilet.  There were stacks of faded comments about homosexual antics and in a bolder hand someone had written 'I prefer grils'.

Beneath that in very precise handwriting some pedant had written 'Don't you mean girls?'

Below that was the final comment, a plaintive sounding "But what about us grils?"

=====

Gyppo  
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 25, 2011, 09:57:39 AM
(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/readfaster.jpg)

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on October 25, 2011, 06:26:44 PM
Awww how cute  :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 27, 2011, 09:29:07 PM
I'm told this woman had a 'butt lift' operation done on the cheap at Walmart's medical centre.

Left click if you just can't get enough.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on October 28, 2011, 12:23:21 AM
 :o :o :o
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 28, 2011, 06:22:27 AM
I was searching through my archives today, and found this from my old newsletter.

SOFTWARE COMMENT/QUESTION:

        Dear Gyppo,

        I have a very slow old laptop, how can I speed it up?

        G. Ullible, Essex

        Take it to the top of a tall building, ensure there is no-one walking past underneath, and drop it over the edge...

        A falling object accelerates at 32 feet per second *squared*.  Unless you have previously flown on Concorde your laptop - when it reaches the ground - will be faster than it has ever been before.

        Alternatively, if what you really wanted was to increase the performance of your laptop, you either need to take off a lot of accumulated junk files, or take it to a shop where they really know what they're doing.

        If you already gave it the long drop treatment before reading this far, then you now have the perfect excuse to buy a newer and faster model.

        *****

And this one.  No idea who sent it to me.

              A police officer pulled over a red Corvette after it had run a stop sign.  "May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

   "What's the problem, officer?"

   "You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

   "Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".

   "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

   "You gotta be kidding me!"

   "It's no joke, sir."

   "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

   "That's beside the point, sir.  You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't.  Now if I may see your license and ..."

   "You've sure got a lot of time on your hands.  What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

   "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment.  Let me see your license and registration immediately!"

   "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

   "Sir, I can do better than that."  The officer yanked open the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him with his nightstick.

   "Now, Asshole!  You want me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

        ***
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 28, 2011, 08:26:55 AM
         Genuine overheard comment at a biker party several years ago...  Back when even at noisy parties it *was* still possible to overhear ;-)

    GIRL: "My pussy throbs like a Harley every time I think about you."

    MALE:  "Dunno why.  I'm not the bugger who gave you the clap!"

    =====
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 28, 2011, 08:30:09 AM
    'When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.' ;-)

             This is so damned true it makes me cry, with laughter.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 28, 2011, 08:31:15 AM
As they say in Australia, the difference between a buffalo and a bison is that you can't wash your hands in a buffalo..
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Vienna on October 28, 2011, 09:19:49 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on October 28, 2011, 12:19:02 PM
http://voxvocispublicus.homestead.com/Index.html

The Silent Monks singing Hallelujah -- good ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Andrewf on October 28, 2011, 02:25:25 PM
Something to ponder...


If the depth of a pizza is labeled 'a' and the radius is labeled 'z'  ...

The volume of a pizza = pi·z·z·a

;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 28, 2011, 06:39:05 PM
There's a formula for everything...

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 28, 2011, 06:40:35 PM
Good one! :)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on October 28, 2011, 09:24:15 PM
This was sent to me by a friend - she never misses sending any Texas thing my way.  ;D


Trooper vs Elderly Lady
 
True story from a Texas State Highway Patrol officer:

 
I recently made a traffic stop on an elderly lady for speeding on a local highway.

 
I asked for her driver's license, and proof of insurance.  She took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the ID cards, I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.  Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want  to ask if she had any other firearms. She admitted to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.  I had to ask if that was all she had in the vehicle. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said,
 "Not a damn thing!"


Seniors
Don't mess with them.
They didn't get old by being stupid.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 29, 2011, 04:00:38 AM
Seniors
Don't mess with them.
They didn't get old by being stupid.

The older I get the more inclined I am to agree with this ;-)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 29, 2011, 09:47:16 AM
What is the most dangerous food knon to man?


Rare Steak?


Trout from a stream polluted with heavy metal factory waste?


Cod from oil polluted oceans?


Unwashed vegetables from unregulated farms ?


So-called 'clean' tapwater?


Shellfish when there's not an 'r' in the month?


Japanese blowfish sushi?


No, there's one food item out there which causes for more misery and suffering than anything else known to mankind.  Scroll down to find out what it is.

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Wedding Cake.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 29, 2011, 09:57:55 AM
Alice, I also find that to be so true!!

Gyppo, yes-- wedding cake can be very dangerous!

:D  :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 30, 2011, 12:02:36 PM
In the true spirit of this season, and all the others...

Left click to enlarge.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 30, 2011, 12:25:44 PM
Perfect!!!!!!!! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 30, 2011, 03:41:12 PM
And another seasonal reminder for the bloody lunatics who seem to think it's already started ;-(

Twelve day is enough for any sane person.

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 30, 2011, 03:55:40 PM
It's ridiculous these days!!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on October 30, 2011, 05:31:45 PM
Seems that way here as well. Its like a vote was taken by all the elves all over the world to invade early. Very annoying.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 31, 2011, 05:20:10 AM
left click to enlarge
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 31, 2011, 09:52:25 AM
**groan**   :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on October 31, 2011, 05:03:25 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

Very amusing Gyp.

This one made me giggle.

(http://img188.imageshack.us/img188/8523/23mouse.gif)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on October 31, 2011, 05:42:36 PM
Ye god, it makes me feel tired just watching him.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on October 31, 2011, 06:07:29 PM
Doesn't matter. Had sex.  :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 02, 2011, 12:12:14 PM
"Help Needed"

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab
on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman
sitting in front of one of the workstations with her
arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was
still in the same position, only now she was impatiently
tapping her foot.

Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed
help.  She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1
button over twenty minutes ago!"
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on November 02, 2011, 12:18:17 PM
oh jeez!  :)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 02, 2011, 04:44:50 PM
Three classic youtube videos.

1)  Blonde in library

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DctVteQDRIM


2)  German Coastguard

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR0lWICH3rY&feature=related


3)  Condom Advert  (One cool dude here.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_hwMtG2xCs&feature=related


Gyppo

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on November 02, 2011, 06:42:26 PM
Now I did get a good giggle outa those three. The coast guard was my fave.  :D :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 03, 2011, 12:15:51 AM
I think everyone who's seen it loves the coastguard.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on November 03, 2011, 04:37:59 PM
This one always freaks everyone out, real bizarre.  :D

(http://i470.photobucket.com/albums/rr61/firefly254/Dogstare.jpg)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on November 03, 2011, 04:55:10 PM
AHHHHHHHH!! That is scary!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on November 08, 2011, 05:01:04 AM

That reminds me of a builder I once worked for, though he had more hair.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 08, 2011, 11:57:35 AM
A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found
that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started
with the letter "T".
Examples of those days are as follows:
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday
Thunday

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: mudge on November 08, 2011, 12:42:15 PM
A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found
that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started
with the letter "T".
Examples of those days are as follows:
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday
Thunday
:D :D :D
funny and true.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 08, 2011, 02:50:54 PM
Thurely thex on a Thunday is a Thin?  And therefore doubly enjoyable ;-)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: mudge on November 08, 2011, 02:56:29 PM
I used to write in Yes!  or Often! or Certainly! on questionaires  that asked for "Sex".

I think it's a pretty stupid question anyway.    :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 08, 2011, 05:27:31 PM
I used to write in Yes!  or Often! or Certainly! on questionaires  that asked for "Sex".

And they only allow such a silly little box for the reply.

I always have fun with online forms which include a space for 'organisation'.

Answers:  a)  Enough to get by.
               b)  More than most people would ever guess.
               c)  Sorry, we're sworn to secrecy.
               d)  Amoeba Sorry, thought you said organism.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on November 08, 2011, 07:16:07 PM
After helping one son (he doesn't like computers, go figure) yesterday fill in an application for employment for a hamburger joint (he's despairing of seeing some kind of paycheck).

The first couple of pages were as expected; name, address, phone number and previous employers.

It was the last 12 pages that appeared totally useless to me. Each page had somewhere between 10 and 15 question - the answers were multiple choice. The problem (to me) was that they as the same 10 or 12 questions in as many different ways they could come up with.

Yes, I know, they wanted to be sure you were answering the same way with each version of the question. But this was for a hamburger joint, not the head honcho of the company.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 09, 2011, 04:22:36 AM
This is how the Human Resources people justify the existence of a whole division, rather than just one or two people who actually - dare we suggest such an old fashioned concept? - have the balls to make decisions on an applicant's suitability.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on November 09, 2011, 04:45:30 AM

How things change, at one time if you could write your name, and knew your address, the job was there for the taking.
I never did get that job!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 09, 2011, 05:01:21 AM
At Tech college we had one lad in the class who wrote the name of his favourite football player on his City & Guilds exam paper rather than his own.

Mind you, that was the only thing he wrote on there.

So Dennis Law - whatever his skills on the pitch - never received a surprise certificate telling him he was a baker.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 09, 2011, 07:15:25 AM
Inbreeding has some surprising results.

Here's a picture of an 'inbred' cat.

Left click to enlarge.

Gyppo
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on November 09, 2011, 03:21:57 PM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on November 09, 2011, 03:33:20 PM
While on the cat theme.....

(http://i470.photobucket.com/albums/rr61/firefly254/Cathairless.jpg)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on November 10, 2011, 04:48:26 AM

 :D  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: bowmore bill on November 11, 2011, 06:01:41 PM
hello 3bs, how do you post your images.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Zand on November 11, 2011, 07:02:11 PM
12 of the finest ever goofs aired on British TV and radio:

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. Murry Mexted, New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves It when Daryl Gibson comes inside him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.' 

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too....

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Mickelson felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' 

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 12, 2011, 01:16:19 PM
A man can carry a camera all his life and never be in the right place to get that once on a lifetime picture.  Or perhaps not even realise quite what he's photographed until looking at it on a bigger screen.  I've no idea who took this, but I found it on my archives whilst having a tidy up.

This one doesn't really need a left click to enlarge.  But you can, if you want.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 12, 2011, 01:20:01 PM
As for this one, whether you agree or not, it's true.

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 12, 2011, 01:35:53 PM
Some things are so much easier to understand when the data is presented in a pictorial form.

Left click to read the small print.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 12, 2011, 01:38:52 PM
It's only November.  I didn't expect to find f***ing snow on my neighbours car this morning ;-)

You may need to left click to activate the .gif
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Zand on November 12, 2011, 01:51:45 PM
As for this one, whether you agree or not, it's true.

Left click to enlarge.

I really like that. I'm not entirely sure if I agree though.
- Sometimes panicking limits logical thinking. And if someone tries to mug you, you pull out a gun to defend yourself, you could pull the trigger or flinch before even assessing the situation.
- That + if you're carrying a gun it's generally for a reason

I'm yet to have one of those moments with a pencil
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on November 12, 2011, 05:40:48 PM
 :D :D :D

Some great ones in there. The imagination of some people ay.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 19, 2011, 03:36:02 PM
When I was a schoolkid this same picture was passed around as black and white drawing.  I was quite surprised to find a colour version on the web.

Left click to enlarge.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on November 19, 2011, 09:31:14 PM
Microsoft are expanding their customer demographic' via the BUI.

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: loriandliv on November 20, 2011, 02:21:23 AM
God says to adam that he has the perfect mate for him. She's bright, beautiful, funny, and will wait on you hand and foot. Adam says, how much will that cost? God says an arm and a leg. Adam ponders this and says what can I get for a rib? hehehe
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: trev on November 22, 2011, 11:27:49 AM

I have just got back from visiting someone in prison, so I urgently needed a giggle, thanks to all of you.

Snow on the car These hand car cleaner have a lot to learn if they want their job to be fun.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on November 22, 2011, 02:27:41 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

I like this latest handful, like Trev, thanks for the giggle.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on December 02, 2011, 05:54:39 PM
hello 3bs, how do you post your images.

I upload them to Photobucket, then copy/paste the image code to the forum.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on December 02, 2011, 05:57:01 PM
Wow, lots of funnies lately. For some reason, I haven't been getting my email notifications from here. :(

(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a66/iluvtolaff/For%20WC%20Giggles/Temptation.jpg)

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 12, 2011, 08:19:31 AM
One for the Ladies...

The sad thing is, some of the poor dears would need a man to change the batteries for them ;-)

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 12, 2011, 08:23:13 AM
Another one for the Ladies.  I must be feeling generous today.

"The Garden of Eden"

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this
beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals,
but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create
a Man for you."

"What's a Man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad
traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be very competitive; all in
all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster,
and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly
when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining,
I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your
physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in
childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice
to think properly."

"Sounds doable." says Eve, with an ironically raised
eyebrow. "But, what's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...
So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first...
Just remember, it's our little secret---You know, Woman
to Woman."

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Sam Cooper on December 12, 2011, 08:24:59 AM
Are you sure that hasn't been around for a while. It seems I get these sudden urges to buy flowers and such, it's been happening for years and a proto-type of this version may solve those riddles of expenditures  :(

I liked that, Gyppo. (a woman needing help changing batteries?)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 12, 2011, 09:00:27 AM
Some of them do ;-)

A girl I barely knew once asked me to change the batteries in her 'buzzy' little toy for her.  One of the curses of having 'a kind face' is you get roped in for all sorts of odd little jobs ;-)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on December 12, 2011, 09:37:31 AM
Some of them do ;-)

A girl I barely knew once asked me to change the batteries in her 'buzzy' little toy for her.  One of the curses of having 'a kind face' is you get roped in for all sorts of odd little jobs ;-)

I find that odd. Not only am I the one that almost always changes batteries, I program VCRs, set up DVDs as well as set up the remote when it's an after buy.

But then, I've never understood 'helpless' women either.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on December 12, 2011, 10:53:08 AM
I find that odd. Not only am I the one that almost always changes batteries, I program VCRs, set up DVDs as well as set up the remote when it's an after buy.

But then, I've never understood 'helpless' women either.

Ditto!! I do it all! :)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 12, 2011, 04:33:18 PM
There's plenty of well-organised women out there, including those who RTFM (Read The Flipping Manual) and know how to make things work.

But it's the others which stick in the mind.  Especially the 'professionally' helpless who have made a career out of getting some obliging man to do all the work for them in return for merely sitting around and looking decorative.

When I was a Postie a little old lady asked me to change a light bulb for her, because I was tall enough to reach it without needing a step ladder.  No problem.

A few days later I saw her legs sticking out from under her car and wondered if she'd had an accident of some sort.  No, she was quite comfortable on an old blanket, with a couple of spanners, draining the sump before changing the oil.  "Why should I pay a garage to do a job any intelligent person can do for a fraction of the cost?"

On another occasion she had her wheelie bin laid down and was kneeling inside it, (she really was a little old lady),  scrubbing it out.

Her garage  security light needed a special little tool to open it and change the bulb.  She already had a spare bulb.When she told me her 'electrician'  was going to charge her £25, and she'd have to 'wait three days for such a low paying job' I offered to do it the next day.

It was a five minute job, and she offered to pay but I said no.

When she saw my little toolkit, with the magic collection of 'security' bits such as the essential seven-sided 'hex' key she asked how much it cost.  "Just a fiver."

"Could you get me one?"

"Sure, if the shop still has any."

She thrust a fiver into my hand.

"If you can that'll teach him not to over-charge helpless old ladies.  I shall take great delight in cancelling his call, and tell him a friend did it for nothing."

Helpless?  Not that one.

I miss meeting people like her ;-)

Gyppo



Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 12, 2011, 04:35:45 PM
I'm such an innocent soul ;-)  It's belatedly occurred to me that perhaps the girl who wanted her batteries changing was hoping I'd volunteer my services in another way.  Damn!
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 12, 2011, 06:19:06 PM
Whatever your job, make the most of it.

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on December 12, 2011, 09:03:02 PM
The radiator hose on the old car we had at the time sprung a leak. So I filled it up with water and made a flying trip to the Auto Parts shop, got another hose and came home to change it out. No Biggie.

The next day my next door neighbor came over and asked me to please be careful about doing anything like that again.

Confused, I asked "Why."

"If any of the husbands along the street see you out there working on your car, they'll think the rest of us should be able to do the same."

My husband at the time had an old pickup, old enough that I could almost climb up under the hood when it was open to work on it with ease. He was not a mechanic, did real good to put the oil in the right spot. So it wasn't unusual for me to do tune-ups on the Ford when needed. He would stay in the house, out of sight until I finished.

 ::)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: sincerely_anna on December 14, 2011, 12:43:30 AM
Give this one a try to an unsuspecting friend. Works best if you've been exchanging knock-knock jokes with them for a bit.

You: Okay, I have a good knock-knock joke for you.
Them: What is it?
You: Here it goes. You have to start.
Them: Okay. Knock-knock.
You: Who's there?
Them: ...
You:  ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Andrewf on December 14, 2011, 05:02:19 AM
:D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on December 14, 2011, 06:42:54 PM
God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

Then God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

Thereafter God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.. I'm doing it as a public service.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: BBBlogger on December 14, 2011, 06:52:16 PM
Love it, Siobhan!!! :D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 15, 2011, 11:23:38 AM
The Old Coot.

An old prospector named Ralph, shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.  He headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
 
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

Ralph looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. Always wanted to, but never had the time."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

Not wanting to get a toe blown off Ralph started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

Old Ralph turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The silence was almost deafening.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.  Staring into those twin barrels, held as steady as a rock.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

"Son,"  Ralph asked quietly,"Have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... but... I've always wanted to."

=====

There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old people.  They didn't get old by being stupid.
 
 
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on December 15, 2011, 03:50:15 PM
Good one Gyppo - especially liked the "lessons."   ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 15, 2011, 04:39:17 PM
"Lucky Day"

One cold night my furnace died, so I went to my
parents' house. In the morning, a neighbor called
to tell me that my water pipes had burst and
flooded my town house and hers. I raced home­
and on the way got a speeding ticket.

Then the furnace repairman arrived and told me
he didn't think he had the proper fuse but would
check in his truck. Meanwhile, the plumber cut
holes in my bathroom wall to locate the leak.

When the furnace repairman returned, he held
aloft a fuse.

"I had the right one after all," he said triumphantly.

"This must be your lucky day."

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 15, 2011, 04:41:33 PM
"Are You Hurt?"

Nigel and Simon were feeling a bit limp, so to
cheer themselves up they decided to take a
trip to the amusement park.

"I'm going on the 'Chair-a-Planes" said Nigel

"Are you sure Nigel?" said Simon "You're ever so
brave!"

So Nigel went on the chair-a-plane ride. Round
and round he went, faster and faster until the
chain on his seat broke, sending him hurtling
through the air for about 100 yards until he
slammed into a brick wall.

Simon ran over to the crumpled heap at the
base of the wall and cried "Are you hurt Nigel?"

A dazed Nigel opened his eyes and said, "Am I
hurt? I should say I'm hurt. I went round six times
and you never waved once!"
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 15, 2011, 07:03:47 PM
Here's tonight's last raid into the dusty archives...

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
 
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
 
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
 
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
 
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on December 15, 2011, 07:14:34 PM
Terrific! ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 17, 2011, 07:49:15 PM
We all have to make our own choices...

Left click to read small print.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 20, 2011, 08:15:20 PM
Old Johann Muller was a minister in a small German town. He
had always been a good man and lived by the Bible.
One day God decided to reward him, with the answer
to any three questions Johann Muller would like to ask.

Old Johann Muller did not need much time to consider, and
the first question was:
"Will there ever be married Catholic priests?"

God promptly replied: "Not in your life-time."

Johann Muller thought for a while, and then came up with
the second question: "what about female priests then,
will we have those one day?"

Again God had to disappoint Old Johann Muller:
"Not in your life-time, I'm afraid."

Johann Muller was sorry to hear that, and he decided to
drop the subject. After having though for a while, he
asked the last question:
"Will there ever be another German Pope?"

God answered quickly and with a firm voice,
"Not in My life time."

=====

Two women came before wise King Solomon,
dragging between them a young man.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter,"
said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he called
for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said
Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half.
Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill
innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter
marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young
man must marry the first woman's daughter,"
he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed
the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she
is the TRUE mother-in-law."

=====



Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: bravestone on December 20, 2011, 08:27:05 PM
Love the mom-in-law story.  It's my own anecdote in the making.

~

My own brother, Bob went out to Ryder's
for drinks, dancing and possibilities of luckiness.

He couldn't take his eyes off of the voluptuous,
very red lipped, blonde, rodeo princess,, so he
had another jack and then marched over and said, "would you like to dance?"

She stared at him for a micro-second and retorted, "Ummm, NO," and then turned to her friends.

Bob, being a sort of cowboy poet, tapped the princess on the shoulder and quipped, "Mam, I think you misunderstood me.  I said, 'You look fat in those pants.'"

My brother, Bob, also being a sort of ummm-coward, then left the bar for another.









Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 20, 2011, 08:37:54 PM


I'm so innocent....

I was at a party once and we were all given a raffle ticket when we arrived.  After the first couple of hours a girl came up and asked what my ticket number was.

"Fifty Five."

She whipped one breast out and smilingly offered it for my inspection.

"Congratulations.  You've won the booby prize."

I told her it was a lovely prize but I didn't have anywhere to keep it, and with a pout she went away after tucking it back into her dress.

She must have decided to draw the ticket again because over the next few hours I saw her pull the same trick on several other chaps, some of whom took her off to a private room for a more leisurely viewing of their 'prize'.

=====

I'm so innocent...

When a pretty lass came up at the same party and asked if I was interested in a blow job I told her I was asthmatic, but I'd gladly help inflate the balloons if they had a pump.

=====

I'm so old-fashioned that when a girl asked if I was gay I told her I was moderately cheerful.

=====

I'm so innocent....

When a girl asked if I'd like to poke her in the garden I shoved her out through an open window.

=====

I'm so innocent...

When a girl offered 'a helping hand' I had her stacking beer crates and washing glasses in the kitchen.

=====

I'm so innocent...

I thought doggy style was when old married folk just snapped and growled at each other all the time.

=====

I'm so innocent...

When a rather gymnastic girl said I wouldn't need to hold her ears I asked if she took them off and put them in her handbag like some girls do with their earrings.

=====


Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Suemcb on December 21, 2011, 04:00:50 PM
Here's a REALLY old one.

Why is Santa always smiling and cheerful?








Cause he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 29, 2011, 07:20:13 PM
Think before you text.

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 29, 2011, 07:21:06 PM
Logic!

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on December 29, 2011, 07:23:29 PM
We are told repeatedly about the importance of diversity in this modern world.

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on January 07, 2012, 02:11:32 PM
Someone sent me the following recently.

Here is the one essential for a real bacon cheeseburger.

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on January 07, 2012, 02:12:46 PM
Sticking with the bacon theme...

(I'm wondering if the smell from a slice of bacon wrapped around the heat sink of a computer would drive anorexic 'office dollies' mad with hunger ;-)

Left click to enlarge
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on January 07, 2012, 02:16:47 PM
Pet names...

Left click to enlarge.
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on January 07, 2012, 02:19:12 PM
And Pizza, somehow, nearly always gets in on the act.

Left click to enlarge.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on January 07, 2012, 09:42:23 PM
Excellent, Gyppo. I love the Bacon Charter -- especially feeding it to your computer to make it work faster. I might try that! ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on January 23, 2012, 02:00:00 PM
Someone sent me this earlier today.

The story goes that someone dropped as pen into the printer whilst trying to unblock it.  As the office was busy they were told to use another machine and leave a note.

Remember how at school they stressed the finger-space between words.

Left click to enlarge

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: 510bhan on January 23, 2012, 02:01:53 PM
How unfortunate! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on January 25, 2012, 04:15:45 PM
For all fans of Autocorrect.

Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on January 29, 2012, 04:53:29 AM
(http://i470.photobucket.com/albums/rr61/firefly254/key.jpg)
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: Gyppo on January 29, 2012, 09:30:29 AM
But my computer doesn't have an [ANY] key ;-(
Title: Re: Have A Giggle
Post by: fire-fly on February 06, 2012, 04:39:44 PM
(http://i470.photobucket.com/albums/rr61/firefly254/kids.jpg)