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Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: "lorraineofkeli" on July 30, 2006, 01:27:31 PM

Title: Bloodied Land
Post by: "lorraineofkeli" on July 30, 2006, 01:27:31 PM
I wrote this in relation to current political troubles.  Any views are welcome. Thank you

The money exchanged
- a regular hand
All on the basis
of bloodied land

A race has fulfilled
its promise to a protector
Demanding its deliverance
To this, the greatest power
All on the basis
of bloodied land

Bureaucratic anomalies
forgotten and hidden
Bills saturated scarlet
All a result of what's given

When it serves them
they oppose
Like a game they jostle
the pretence is played
without remorse, they toil

Yet within these white walls
together they stand
Quietly nodding
on the basis
of bloodied land

Hands they shake
- a familiar gesture
Conveniently forgetting
the stains they share

Those fallen so young
worthless in the scheme
Their place is to lie
rotting beneath their land
Their bloodied land
Title: Re: Bloodied Land
Post by: CarrieSheppard on July 31, 2006, 02:32:36 PM
Not sure what to say - but 'enjoyed' isn't quite the right word.

Empathised?  Understood?

Carrie
Title: Re: Bloodied Land
Post by: "lorraineofkeli" on July 31, 2006, 02:52:43 PM
I don't understand either.  Does it come across in a bad way?
(I know it's not very good in a poetic form (at least the way I like))
 I just had something to say behind the words without actually coming out and saying it... so I figured a poem would serve that purpose.
Title: Re: Bloodied Land
Post by: CarrieSheppard on July 31, 2006, 02:56:05 PM
Which is exactly what it does.  I liked the bloodied handshake image in particular.  I can see smart suits, white cuffs, bloodstains and complete ignorance in a single sentence. 

No it comes across well - though I agree the poetic 'form' is not fixed - I don't think that's a difficulty at all.

Carrie
Title: Re: Bloodied Land
Post by: wizard7wolf on August 06, 2006, 05:56:53 AM
War.....what is it good for.....absolutely NOTHING....say it again now

On a serious note I agree with Carrie when I say 'enjoyed' wasn't quite the word but yes it comes across well
Nice going
Title: Re: Bloodied Land
Post by: wizard7wolf on August 06, 2006, 05:57:56 AM
And who owns those eyes on your pic?
Is that you?
Title: Re: Bloodied Land
Post by: "lorraineofkeli" on August 06, 2006, 02:06:03 PM
Yeah its my eyes but i wont show the face cos my hubby would kill me! (Actually he's not aware of the eyes yet...biting my nails now!
Thanks for the comments.. I'm a bit sad you wouldn't enjoy it though :'(

:)
Title: Re: Bloodied Land
Post by: actpoet1 on August 07, 2006, 12:18:40 AM
L,

I do agree with you. I may be wrong, but this seems like a meditation on war. Other than that, I don't know what to say.
Title: Re: Bloodied Land
Post by: wizard7wolf on August 07, 2006, 04:09:19 AM
Well you have very nice eyes :o
It's not that I didn't enjoy it it's just that it's so real
It's a great poem just kinda scary
Title: Re: Bloodied Land
Post by: "lorraineofkeli" on August 07, 2006, 07:11:12 AM
L,

I do agree with you. I may be wrong, but this seems like a meditation on war. Other than that, I don't know what to say.
Thank you actpoet. It is a reflection on war - particularly the Israel/Palestine conflict. I'm not sure how clear my view comes across, but I feel I said (in a poem disguised way) what my opinion is.

Thanks for the compliment wizard7wolf :) I'm happy with 'scary' - if there's any reaction at all, I'm pleased. :)