My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: jan12550 on November 09, 2010, 12:30:08 AM

Title: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: jan12550 on November 09, 2010, 12:30:08 AM
When I was young,
   And could not yet stand;
I learned the deep love
   In my mama's hands.

There wasn't an ache;
   No pain was so grand;
That it could not be soothed
   By my sweet mama's hands.

It was something I knew,
   Though not always acknowledged;
Her touch stirred my depths
   When I was disheartened.

No foe could attack,
   No pain overwhelm;
But Mama's soft touch
   Would soon calm me down.

Then as I grew older,
   And went on my way;
While Daddy and Mamma
   At home did both stay:

Years quickly passed by,
   And my memory waned;
Of the comforting strength
   In Mama's dear hands.

Our visits too often
   Were entirely too few:
The infrequent greetings
   Held a mere hug, or two.

Then came a day
   When I visited home;
A fall on some pavement
   Had broken a bone.

I shared it with Mama,
   As her child would have done.
She simply reached out;
   Laid her hand on my arm.

It was all unexpected;
   She was now more the child:
I could never have dreamed;
   My emotions ran wild!

My eyes were wide opened,
   The memories rushed in;
As surprised by her touch
   Those hands warmed me again!

The old peace flooded through me;
   I was startled to find;
That same touch, long forgotten,
   Thrilled my soul and my mind!

So, what will I remember,
   Now she's joined Heaven's band?
Nothing ever compares to
   The touch of Mama's hands!
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Akeith (Gray) on November 09, 2010, 10:16:51 AM
Hi Welcome to MWC.

I say this (note: just my opinion) to be encouraging to you. It seems to me that the form - rhyme, odd sequence of words, wordiness, repetition - supercedes the quality of the writing, of the poem itself. I could not finish reading through it.

I am only addressing the form here and how it distracts from content.

On the other hand, you do seem to have some talent. I would suggest you read and study more contemporary poetry, and try again.

Hope this helps.

Gray
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Janice Sanford on November 09, 2010, 09:09:56 PM
Having lost my own mother, I could relate to the emotion the author of this poem must have been feeling when writing "The Touch of Mama's Hands."  In my opinion the length of the poem was very fitting for the subject matter of the poem....
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: drab on November 09, 2010, 09:31:08 PM
Hi and welcome jan,
Lovely sentiment but as far as poetry goes it is not very good.
Some really horrible lines here

While Daddy and Mamma
   At home did both stay:

It is cliched and generic.
Sorry to be so negative.
Regards
drab

Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: DIZI on November 09, 2010, 09:34:51 PM
I found it emotionless and full of telling description
that really tells us nothing ie;

When I was young
A fall on some pavement 
No pain was so grand
Held a mere hug, or two

Theres too many to list.
jmo
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Janice Sanford on November 10, 2010, 11:12:17 AM
I found it emotionless and full of telling description
that really tells us nothing ie;

When I was young
A fall on some pavement  
No pain was so grand
Held a mere hug, or two

Theres too many to list.
jmo

I found much emotion entertwined throughout the poem.
example:

There wasn't an ache;
   No pain was so grand;
That it could not be soothed
   By my sweet mama's hands.


To be emotionless is to be without feelings. As I read the words the writer penned, the poem  stirred my own emotions...Still a wonderful poem. imho
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: SharonLeigh on November 10, 2010, 11:38:47 AM
Hello,
This poem, IMO, could be helped by not attempting to use meter or rhyme. As it is now, it reminds me a tad of lyrics, a la Holly Dunn in `Daddy`s Hands`. Since the subject can so easily be trite, I`d condense, scrap the  rhyme, and try to eliminate the superflous words. The rhyming really constrains  you, lines such as:
she was now more the child
I could never have dreamed
my emotions ran wild!
show this, as the reader instantly feels you chose the cliche`d `wild` to describe emotion simply because it rhymed. IMO the feelings evoked by caretaking of a parent aren`t passionate or `wild`, but would seem to be something more along the lines of tender, wistful, poignant, etc. Watch the exclamation point, it can so easily be over-used, and insulting to your reader.
.
However, I do like the bones of the idea here. It is worthy of a poem, IMO, only perhaps a bit more understated.  :)
.
Best~
Sharon
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: f fff ffff on November 10, 2010, 11:49:52 AM
The difficult part of writing a poem such as this is staying within the constrains that you provide. With a poem such as this, you need to remain either consistent with meter/rhyme or differ for an artistic purpose. IMO You stray from your constrains too often. I would either fix the errors in meter and rhyme or look back and see if it is truly needed as has been offered before. I think that lifting the constrains you can find a beautiful poem underneath. Thanks for sharing!
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: DIZI on November 10, 2010, 12:32:46 PM
you think this is full of emotion,

Quote
There wasn't an ache;
   No pain was so grand;
That it could not be soothed
   By my sweet mama's hands

itīs all telling and paints no picture.
How did you ache? 
Whatīs a grand pain?
Sweet Mama - cliche and show us how she soothed you.
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: jan12550 on November 10, 2010, 08:44:18 PM
Thank you, both for your praise and your literary criticism. Admittedly, poetry is not my genre of choice, but I feel there are some things that can only be expressed adequately through a poem. I chose to post in this review section rather than the gallery out of the simple curiosity to see what others who do love poetry would have to say. I would hope that, in spite of any task you may take with my exact style, you would be able to see beyond that and simply enjoy my feeble efforts to convey what is probably the strongest memory I have of all my mother did for me throughout her lifetime. There was nothing else in this world like what her touch evoked -- even after she was old and feeble. I will always remember, and never stop missing her (or her touch) now that she's gone.
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: drab on November 10, 2010, 09:07:04 PM
Hi jan,
I'm glad you have those memories of your mother.
But poetry is a form of voyeurism, and your poem told us about every nice mother. You know what she was like and after reading the poem we still see 'every mother' we don't see YOUR mum.
There is showing (which is good) and then there is telling, unfortunately, you told.
Regards
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Emeraude on November 10, 2010, 09:33:10 PM
Hi Jan,

I appreciate the sentiment in this poem and although it does hold emotion, I'm afraid it's inconsistent. I think with something that holds such sentiment to you, perhaps try and convey this to the reader by making the verses more powerful. I do agree with the other comments here, this does sound more like song lyrics than a poem and the meter is rather inconsistent, so I'd reckon if you tweek that slightly, it'll flow better as I found that the meter you used distracted me from the emotion and sentiment this poem holds.

Ant. =)
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Janice Sanford on November 12, 2010, 05:04:40 PM
Hi jan,
I'm glad you have those memories of your mother.
But poetry is a form of voyeurism, and your poem told us about every nice mother. You know what she was like and after reading the poem we still see 'every mother' we don't see YOUR mum.
There is showing (which is good) and then there is telling, unfortunately, you told.
Regards

Please, explain "a form of voyeurism" in connect with the poem "The Touch of Mama's Hands."

Voyeurism is a disorders of sexual arousal. It involves the act of observing unsuspecting individuals, usually strangers, who may be naked ...

http://www.psychnet-uk.com/dsm_iv/voyerism_disorder.htm

I did not realize that good poetry depended on a poem's power to cause the reader to get aroused sexually....
Interesting...to say the least.
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: 510bhan on November 12, 2010, 05:16:27 PM
Please, explain "a form of voyeurism" in connect with the poem "The Touch of Mama's Hands."

I doubt it's meant literally - which as a poet you should know...more that outsiders looking in on intimate details of a person's life whether that is joy, suffering whatever emotion that s expressed related to an event or circumstance. In this case the reader looking in on what YOUR mother was to you so that we can feel that too, not just mom was great, mom was cool, mom was the best in the world - anybody who loves their mother could say that.
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: drab on November 12, 2010, 06:58:47 PM
Well said 510,
I did say it was a 'form' of voyeurism.
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Pocahontas on November 12, 2010, 08:46:45 PM
I thought the sentiment was beautiful!!
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Janice Sanford on November 12, 2010, 09:17:35 PM
Well said 510,
I did say it was a 'form' of voyeurism.

Voyeurism is a disorders of sexual arousal. How many forms are there? (smile)

When I write a poem it is with the hope that others can relate to the emotions in the poem. The fact that 'The Touch of Mama's Hands' allows others to ponder the touch of their own mama's hands gives value to poem. Having lost my own mother, as I read the words it stirred heart felt memories of my own mama's touch..... a poem[imo] has no set form except the one the poet's heart gives to it..... I think the form of the poem is uniquely that given to it by the hand that penned it. All is my opinion of course.
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: 510bhan on November 12, 2010, 09:54:45 PM
I think you might have taken some of this too much to heart. The crits/reviews were meant to show you how it might work better poetically. There is no need for nit-picking over voyeurism, you should have enough skill and vocabulary to understand the use of metaphor.

I have lost my mother too. It was very sweet of you to write about your own and recall the pleasant memories - I don't think anyone has a problem with that. It is the lack of fresh expression for a universal feeling that most of the contributors are trying to tell you about. It is worthy, it is sentimental but it could be so much more...that's all.
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: jan12550 on November 12, 2010, 10:06:06 PM
I think you might have taken some of this too much to heart. The crits/reviews were meant to show you how it might work better poetically. There is no need for nit-picking over voyeurism, you should have enough skill and vocabulary to understand the use of metaphor.

I have lost my mother too. It was very sweet of you to write about your own and recall the pleasant memories - I don't think anyone has a problem with that. It is the lack of fresh expression for a universal feeling that most of the contributors are trying to tell you about. It is worthy, it is sentimental but it could be so much more...that's all.

Please note that I am not nit-picking -- not I, the author. I have simply been watching the conversation to see what I can learn from it. I am grateful for both the appreciation and the creative criticism, which is why I posted this poem here. All of our mother's should be special to us, no matter how we express it. I have taken offense at nothing that has been said here. If my feelings were so "touchy", I certainly would have chosen a different venue to display my work. Thank you all for your help. BTW -- exactly how would you suggest making it "so much more"?
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: 510bhan on November 12, 2010, 10:19:54 PM
Sorry Jan - the Jan and the Janice got mixed up there. I think if you read back through the crits offered most of them suggest making the form consistent by tightening the meter and rhyme and using expressions that aren't as hackneyed or over-used. What did your mother's hands feel like when she caressed you, what did they look like..did they change over the years as you grew up but the feeling was the same...did they have any scars, veins, blisters, cooking smells, rings, manicured nails sometimes/never...were they strong/supple...and consider all these when you recall your mother's hands with each time her touch healed you. Bring your sensory recall into the picture and link it to the emotions you experienced. Make it more personal rather than generic I think.

Don't know if any of that explains what I think you could do with it..but maybe...you never know. :)
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: jan12550 on November 13, 2010, 05:44:05 PM
Don't know if any of that explains what I think you could do with it..but maybe...you never know. :)

Don't know if I have the talent to do all that as you describe without losing all sense of rhyme, but certainly appreciate the suggestions. Again, poetry is definitely not my forte -- I struggle to say what I did. Thank you.  :)
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: nosuchmember on December 03, 2018, 07:51:17 PM
When I was young,
   And could not yet stand;
I learned the deep love
   In my mama's hands.

There wasn't an ache;
   No pain was so grand;
That it could not be soothed
   By my sweet mama's hands.

It was something I knew,
   Though not always acknowledged;
Her touch stirred my depths
   When I was disheartened.

No foe could attack,
   No pain overwhelm;
But Mama's soft touch
   Would soon calm me down.

Then as I grew older,
   And went on my way;
While Daddy and Mamma
   At home did both stay:

Years quickly passed by,
   And my memory waned;
Of the comforting strength
   In Mama's dear hands.

Our visits too often
   Were entirely too few:
The infrequent greetings
   Held a mere hug, or two.

Then came a day
   When I visited home;
A fall on some pavement
   Had broken a bone.

I shared it with Mama,
   As her child would have done.
She simply reached out;
   Laid her hand on my arm.

It was all unexpected;
   She was now more the child:
I could never have dreamed;
   My emotions ran wild!

My eyes were wide opened,
   The memories rushed in;
As surprised by her touch
   Those hands warmed me again!

The old peace flooded through me;
   I was startled to find;
That same touch, long forgotten,
   Thrilled my soul and my mind!

So, what will I remember,
   Now she's joined Heaven's band?
Nothing ever compares to
   The touch of Mama's hands!

One of my favorite poems. Written by a very talented writer...... and a  very dear friend....    jt
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Il Penseroso on December 04, 2018, 09:02:06 AM
Why dig up an old poem from the archives? And a mediocre one, no less. The feelings expressed are no doubt genuine, but that's the best I can say about it. I don't think you did your friend a favour.
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: nosuchmember on December 04, 2018, 09:12:42 AM
Why dig up an old poem from the archives? And a mediocre one, no less. The feelings expressed are no doubt genuine, but that's the best I can say about it. I don't think you did your friend a favour.
Thank you, for your comment.

The past is a part of today, is it not? Though it rests only in ones heart and mind.
Unless one has god like insight they can only guess how others will react to a poem written from the heart of another..       jt
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Il Penseroso on December 04, 2018, 09:35:00 AM
What you did, is bad form - and could actually be considered spamming. You took something that was buried in the archives and put it back on the front page, where it detracts from the newer works that are up for review now. Your friend has had her turn with this poem.

And one does not need godlike insight to know the difference between good, bad and mediocre poetry. All one needs for that is the right education. It has nothing to do with any supernatural powers.
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: nosuchmember on December 04, 2018, 09:37:28 AM
What you did, is bad form - and could actually be considered spamming. You took something that was buried in the archives and put it back on the front page, where it detracts from the newer works that are up for review now. Your friend has had her turn with this poem.

And one does not need godlike insight to know the difference between good, bad and mediocre poetry. All one needs for that is the right education. It has nothing to do with any supernatural powers.

Very interesting......coming from one who has yet to post his/her/its own work.....    jt
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Il Penseroso on December 04, 2018, 09:45:36 AM
Very interesting......coming from one who has yet to post his/her/its own work.....    jt

There will be ample time for that when I've actually earned my stripes reviewing others' works first.
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: nosuchmember on December 05, 2018, 10:23:29 AM
There will be ample time for that when I've actually earned my stripes reviewing others' works first.

I look forward to reading your writings, Penseroso .        jt
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Vienna on December 07, 2018, 02:42:40 AM
I thought there was a rule about not bumping old posts?
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Mark T on December 07, 2018, 01:24:07 PM

Hi Richard - good to see you. 
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Vienna on December 08, 2018, 01:54:26 AM
Hey mark, how are you?
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: indar on December 08, 2018, 09:39:33 AM
I'm confused.

Are we dealing with Jan/Janet or Jan and Janet? Pen is right--there is a rule about bumping up from the dim and distant past. I also want to point out that we often have had problems with new members who post a poem an hour and don't critique anyone else's stuff. Maybe never even read it. So comment til you are ready Pen.

And please excuse the hijack Jan/Janet :) :)



Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Mark T on December 08, 2018, 05:12:35 PM

I think all three - I'm guilty of bumping poems in the past but they haven't been mediocre, or mine for that matter.  And yes, Linda, you're right, Pen is conforming to a seldom-seen newbie ideal. Thanks for the example.

 
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Il Penseroso on December 08, 2018, 05:23:47 PM
Please, don't think I'm a saint.
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: indar on December 08, 2018, 06:04:28 PM
I never confuse anyone with sainthood
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: Il Penseroso on December 08, 2018, 06:06:15 PM
Good. Now I'm off to dust my halo.  ;)
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: hillwalker3000 on December 08, 2018, 08:19:57 PM
One of my favorite poems. Written by a very talented writer...... and a  very dear friend....    jt

Unfortunately it's also extremely cheesy - a Hallmark moment best forgotten and certainly not worth immortalising in print or on-line.

H3K
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: nosuchmember on December 08, 2018, 10:25:11 PM
I agree Hillwalker.                    jt
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: dlp on December 17, 2018, 04:48:06 AM
i wished my poems got 3 pages of comments.  i sometimes get none.
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: drab on December 24, 2018, 10:56:31 PM
The title appeals to....
The content appeals to....
Whoever bumped this 'poem' deserves to be boiled in oil. 
Title: Re: The Touch of Mama's Hands
Post by: nosuchmember on December 26, 2018, 07:05:07 PM
Please, add some rose pebbles?  Thank you. And don't over heat the oil.
 Jan Tetstone