My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Script => Topic started by: AndyPNE on July 22, 2010, 01:22:21 PM

Title: New comedy - Adult Language
Post by: AndyPNE on July 22, 2010, 01:22:21 PM
I have written a new comedy play which i am aiming to put on within the next year. I want the show to be totally different to what we are used to seeing on stage. I have set myself a very difficult challenge. People who i have spoken to about it, including my friends, think that i won't be able to achieve this. Hearing them say that makes me want to achieve my goal even more. If you're wondering what my challenge is, here it is. A lot of new shows that i have seen recently are all very good, but i can't help but notice that they all have a point where either someone is killed, someone is coming out, someone is i'll, there is some type of scandal happening, there is a twist somewhere or someone is being betrayed etc etc. There are also a lot of shows which approach modern day issues such as politcal views and religion. Shows that make the audience think about the way the world is. Now i would just like to say that there is nothing wrong with these shows at all. They are very clever and without a doubt have had an affect on many peoples lives...  But there does seem to be a lot of them. The challenge that i have set myself is to create a show that is entertaining but doesn't include any of this at all. I want my show to be a show where audiences can come along, relax, let all the stresses and worries of their lives go and sit back and enjoy. I have had a lot of inspiration for my show from movies and TV shows. Namely The Inbetweeners and American pie. This is the type of humour that i am going to go for. Young adult comedy. The reason for this is you see alot of this type of comedy on the screen, but i have rarely seen it on stage. I want to see if it transferes. This is the first scene in which we meet three of the main characters. The lads are round at ricks house getting ready to set off on holiday the next day. We spend this scene just getting to know the characters and also diving into a liitle bit of backstory. I am hoping this section will last between five to ten minutes. There is mild strong language and there is a little sexual reference. Please feel free to read, give feedback as much as you like. I need it. I realise that this will be a Marmite kind of show. Either you're gonna love it or hate it. But i like to take creative risks and push boundaries. So here it is.

Scene 1
Rick’s room

Rick’s room.  It is early on a Friday evening in July. Rick is sat on the side of his bed thinking of what else he can pack in his suitcase whilst Andy is sitting on the front of the bed with a PSP face down on his lap with his hands covering it. He is looking out to the audience as he speaks but the audience doesn’t realize that he is actually talking to the game. To them it should look like he is about to have a serious conversation with Rick.

Andy – Ok.  Let’s get this straight.  Here’s the deal.  I know you don’t like me and I certainly don’t like you.  But, I really think that right now all we need to do is just set our differences aside and try our best to work this out together.  Now all you have to do for me is (Stands up and waves the PSP up in the air) MAKE THIS FREAKIN JUMP!!!  

Rick – Still stuck?

Andy – (quickly glares over at Rick.) It’s bloody impossible.

Rick – That jump’s easy to make.  Face it… you just haven’t got the knack that’s what it is.

Without looking up Andy makes a rude hand gesture at him.
Rick smiles and carries on packing.

Rick – I can’t think of anything else I need in my suitcase. I think I’ve got everything.

Andy – (at the PSP) Bollocks!

Rick – You think there’s something missing?

Andy – (to the game) Oh yes!

Rick quickly thinks

Rick – (snaps his fingers.) Rubber John-Boy’s… of course.

Andy – (to the game) Get in!

Rick – I can’t wait.  It’s going to be fantastic.  All inclusive, free food, free beer, and hot Spanish chicks as far as the eye can see.  Who needs a heaven when you have all that? To himself. I wonder what the Spanish girls like to hear as a chat-up line.

Andy – To the game. Suck my ass bitch!

Rick realizes that he isn’t paying attention.  He then gestures to Andy (by clicking his fingers) that he will help out. When he gets the PSP he takes the game out and passes it back to a horrified Andy.

Andy – What the hell? You arse. I was so close!

Rick – Mate, come on.  It’s been an hour, let it go.

Andy – Rick. What you have just done there is on the same level of cruelty as removing a blind man from a no-restrictions lap dancing bar. Could you live with yourself?

Rick – Yes. Now, how many Euros’ are you bringing with you again?  I’m bringing four hundred.

Andy – One thousand eight hundred.  It should be plenty.

Rick stares at Andy in astonishment before nodding glibly.

Rick – Should be plenty?  One thousand eight hundred?  We’re going to be gone a week.  Were you thinking of buying rounds for every single person at the bar?

Andy – Details, bloody hell, you have to go prepared. Some places of the town will be more expensive won’t they? I’ve been told that certain back ally bars are pretty good value though.

Rick agrees until he begins to realise something. A grin forms across his face as he looks over.

Rick – Hang on a minute.

Andy – What?

Rick – I know you’re game Andy don’t think you can hide it.

Andy – Hide what?  What are you talking about?.

Rick – I think a certain someone is thinking of visiting a red light district ,eh?.

Andy – Mate. It’s a lad’s holiday. Where do you think I wanna visit, the water park? And when we do go, don’t go talking to the strippers like you want a relationship. It’s embarrassing when you do that.

Rick shakes his head dispassionately before going back to packing.

Andy – Don’t shake your head. And I know you are.

He goes to the drawer, rummages through to the back and pulls out two large packs of condoms

Rick – Hey check this out. Two for one.  Can’t argue with it.

Andy – You man whore.

He throws the packs into his suitcase, goes back to the drawer and is about to close it then remembers something.  He opens the drawer back up and throws two more packs into his case.

Rick – The more the merrier. Hey it’s just like you say (badly mimicking Andy’s voice) have to go prepared. Look.

Rick opens up his suitcase to show that it is full of condoms

Andy – Bloody hell Rick. And you take the piss out of me for wanting to tour the red light district what about you? You have more of those things than you have strands of hair. He looks closer. Have you actually put any clothes in there yet?

Rick opens hid drawer and in one movement picks up a T-shirt and throws it into his case.

Rick – Sorted. Hey. (waves a finger) With your money and my provisions combined we could be more stocked up on bunny girls than Hugh Heffner with SPAM MESSAGE at a strip club on Valentine’s Day

We hear the sound of a toilet flush and Neil walks in fixing his belt.

Neil – I say I feel about a stone lighter. I think that’s the last of it though thank goodness.

Rick and Andy look over at each other then shudder in disgust.

Rick – Should know better than to eat at the pizza palace of shite.

Andy – (laughs.) There’s a takeaway called Pizza Palace of Shite?  That’s a laugh.

Neil – What on earth are you talking about?  I think he was meaning Popeye’s. Speaking of which, didn’t I see Tim last week with some rather nice bit of totty at that place?

Andy and Rick suddenly grin at the mention of their friend.

Rick – Yeah, must have done.  Poor bastard.  

Neil – Am I missing something?

Rick – Well, he got her back to her place, doing a bit of the touchy feely, cum soft, cum screaming that sort-of thing.  That was until, well, nature called.

Andy – Or screamed more like it.

Neil – I don’t follow.

Andy – He shat himself.

Neil – Oh… my… god!  Are you serious, he shit the bed?

Rick – Yep. Right when he was at the pinnacle of performance too. (Does the countdown theme). Boom. Explodes out the back of his arse.

Neil – Really?  No way.  That’s just his luck isn’t it?

Rick – That’s not the worst part.

Neil – How can that not be the worst?

Rick - The worst part was her dog saw them getting it on, decided to join in and started humping Tim’s leg. Poor thing never saw it coming. It didn’t stand a chance.

Neil – Urgh that’s gross. And when did he tell you this?

Rick – He didn’t

Neil – Well then how do you know?

Rick – I slept with her the next night. The dog kept well away though. I cracked up when she told me about it. I texted Chris and told him about it too.

Neil – So whatever happened to that Stephanie girl that night?

Neil and Andy both look at Rick awaiting his answer, But Rick now has a troubled face.

Rick – (sighs) Ah mate don’t remind me.

Neil – Why what happened?

Andy – Hang on. Who’s Steph?

Rick – Well, do you remember the Bar, there was a particular group of girls who had nearly been turned away by that idiot bouncer?

Andy – Yeah.

Neil – He tried to ID us too, that ape.

Rick – Yeah, well Steph was among them.

Andy – Who was she?

Rick – Steph!  Blond hair, my height, has green eyes… Steph!

Andy – Why can’t I remember her?

Rick – Because your memory’s wired wrong, even without drink. (angrily) We fucking met when we went bowling about six weeks before. And I’ve probably met up with her every weekend since. You were there too.

Andy quickly scratches his head then carries on.

Rick – Anyway, we met up, got talking then next thing I knew, you guys had vanished.  I was about to go trekking for you when she took me by the hand and asked me to stay a while.

Neil – What happened to her friends?

Rick – Spud is what happened.  Sticking that bottle down his top and telling people he had a cock like the Eiffel Tower, (making thrust movements at a disgusted Neil whilst mimicking Spuds’s voice) “wanna see?”

Andy – So let me guess what happened. You took her back to your place and the whole scene unfolds with a well-known ending.

Rick – If you mean we slept together, then you… are… totally… wrong.

Andy & Neil look at each other in amazement

Neil & Andy – What?

Rick – I didn’t sleep with her.

Andy & Neil look at each other in amazement again.

Andy – I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly. You didn’t sleep with her?

Rick – Nope. Didn’t even go back to mine. Nothing in the previous six weeks either. We came close but..

Neil – You?  Mr-compulsory-to-sleep-with-each-other-on-the-first-date didn’t get anything?

Rick – Nope.  Didn’t get dideley.

Neil – Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Stop there… alright… now. Who are you and what have you done with the real Rick?

Rick – Exactly.  That’s not me at all is it?  And I know it’s a little clichéd but I just felt so relaxed around her.  We talked most of the night and started to get quite close again.  But, that’s when there were… problems.


Neil – Problems?

Andy slowly begins to come to some realisation of events unknown to the audience

Andy – Oh… that Steph.

Neil – What?

Rick – Yeah that’s her. Don’t worry mate she hasn’t got an S.T.D or a kid or anything.  Her phone rang suddenly and she went off to answer it.  She’d been gone for ages I almost thought she left me then she came back. She seemed off, weird. When I asked her what was wrong all she said was that she had to go, it was her boyfriend on the phone.

Neil – Boyfriend?  I didn’t know she even had a boyfriend.

Rick – Me neither.  It was just totally out of the blue.  Apparently he works as part of an entertainment team somewhere.

Neil – Did she mention where?

Rick – Probably. I had stopped listening though in shock.

Neil – How long have they been seeing each other?

Rick – Five years

Neil and Andy reply at the same time.

Andy – How Long?

Neil – Five years?  And she didn’t mention him to you once?

Rick – Not once.

Andy – I know how you feel mate.  Happens to the best of us.

Neil – At least you got somewhere with that other girl. It’s been over a year for me.

Rick – A year? Jesus Christ how are you not a rapist?

Neil – Oh, very subtle thank you.  Speaking of subtle I think my stomach feels calm now.

Rick – Good enough to go down the Royal Oak?  The rest of the gang’s there and I said I’ll join them.  You with me?

Andy & Neil – As if I’m not.

Rick – Coolio. (Claps his hands) let’s do it. Oh, hang on, I’m going for a piss.

Rick exits and from off stage we hear

Rick – Bloody hell Neil!  You could have opened the window.
Title: Re: New comedy - Adult Language
Post by: eashort on July 22, 2010, 03:02:23 PM
I really like this! It made me laugh, especially the part at the beginning with the video game. I couldn't stop laughing at Andy's obliviousness to Rick's dialog. I have many friend's like that. Great job!  :)
Title: Re: New comedy - Adult Language
Post by: DavidMcK on July 22, 2010, 05:42:02 PM
Hi AndyPNE,

I like your whole concept. This could be a good way of getting a new and young audience into the theatre. I fits in nicely with the whole inbetweeners style of comedy. 

Off topic, I  noticed on a flyer that Jay from the inbetweeners is going to be the star guest at a local nightclub close to where I live.

Back on topic, I liked the comedy and how you are building the characters.

I would suggest two dialogue changes:

Neil – I say. I feel about a stone lighter. I think that’s the last of it though thank goodness. (I would drop or change  the ‘I say’ it seems a bit posh for the characters.)

Rick – Well, do you remember the Bar, there was a particular group of girls who had nearly been turned away by that idiot bouncer? (I would drop the word  ‘particular’, again I thought it was too well spoken for the characters)

Keep it up, I hope to read more soon.