My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: "lorraineofkeli" on June 21, 2006, 03:52:49 PM

Title: Please tell me what you think - "Gone no care"
Post by: "lorraineofkeli" on June 21, 2006, 03:52:49 PM

I know the title is very strange and grammatically incorrect - but I assure you I did it on purpose.. poetic license lol ;)
Please let me know what you think of it. Thank you.

Distraught by kindness
Devoid of love
Amazed by your eyes
among pools of blood

Stirring and swirling
rekindled, rejoiced
these memories consume me
as I turn to your voice

Tears may stream
like a river in flow
but these tears swim upwards
as I asked them to go

Questions now frothing
at the surface they boil
I drink down the answers
I find only sorrow.

For me there is nothing
only empty streets
As I walk to my dream
He will not face me
He sleeps.

Title: Re: Please tell me what you think - "Gone no care"
Post by: CarrieSheppard on June 21, 2006, 06:34:45 PM

Nice one!  Neat dark undercurrent.  The only thing that didn't quite hang for me was the meter on this verse:

Quote

Shadowed, immersed
covered in doubt
At last I am with you
but for how long?
I am down - I am out

Probably the way I read it.

Carrie

Title: Re: Please tell me what you think - "Gone no care"
Post by: "lorraineofkeli" on June 22, 2006, 02:59:03 PM

Quote from: CarrieSheppard on June 21, 2006, 06:34:45 PM

Nice one!  Neat dark undercurrent.  The only thing that didn't quite hang for me was the meter on this verse:

Probably the way I read it.

Carrie

Hi, Thanks Carrie. 
I totally agree with you about that verse. When I wrote it I actually thought it would be a mistake. However, because of my non-perfectionist ways I just figured 'to hell with it, keep it there'. I think I should be a little harder on myself if I want to be completely proud of what I write.

Title: Re: Please tell me what you think - "Gone no care"
Post by: caliban1 on June 23, 2006, 11:51:16 PM

I like the way you use language.  You really know how to create a sense of paradox.  "Distraught by kindness," is really interesting.  You are probing tense, contradictory emotions and the language reflects that.  "I am down-I am out" is a cliche.  It sort of clashes with the original language of the rest of the poem, but maybe you did that on purpose to.

Interesting,

Caliban

Title: Re: Please tell me what you think - "Gone no care"
Post by: "lorraineofkeli" on June 25, 2006, 08:30:16 AM

right, i took out that stanza -now im happy :) (original post amended)
sometimes you just need to delete! i could have replaced with something else, but it seems to flow nicely without anyway. thanks your suggestions guys.

Title: Re: Please tell me what you think - "Gone no care"
Post by: caliban1 on June 29, 2006, 01:24:33 AM

Lorraine,
This is such a powerful poem now. I am looking forward to the next one.
Cal

Title: Re: Please tell me what you think - "Gone no care"
Post by: "lorraineofkeli" on June 29, 2006, 01:56:17 PM

Thank you Cal. :)