My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Script => Topic started by: Kiryana on May 08, 2010, 08:41:18 PM

Title: Andor - Fantasy (800 words) (Part 1)
Post by: Kiryana on May 08, 2010, 08:41:18 PM
So, this is my first time posting. I'm deffinately new to this and have attempted to script this out right according to the internet. (I should be good cause everything on the internet is true?) Anywho, feel free to rip into this pretty hard I have tough skin. Also, if I'm forgetting to do somthing or am breaking any rules please let me know. I'm pretty sure I read every thing though.


Pages from an ancient book are being slowly turned through.  Ancient writings and faded pictures
of the old gods creating the world of Andor can be seen on the pages as TAYLOEN, elven male age
377 (29 Human), reads the history of creation.

                                                           TAYLOEN (v.o)
                                        Before Athelios created time. Before Kirya and her twin
                                        brother, Torman, fought over the souls of creation. There
                                        was a great war in Heaven. Zirra, the Mother God, had seen
                                        her children's unhappiness and so created for them an empty
                                        world, our world, Andor. Leaving her children to create and
                                        populate Andor, Zirra left Heaven to travel the universe. The
                                        children fought for many cycles over the purpose of Andor and
                                        how it should be ruled. Torman, God of Darkness, wished to
                                        create a world of slaves that would serve him without question.
                                        Ruling by power and fear, he would pit the races of Andor
                                        against each other for his own pleasure. Kirya, Goddess of Light
                                        and Tormans twin, wished to create races that had free will.
                                        Allowing them to serve whom they may or to serve no god at all.
                                        Athelios, God of Neutrality and the Keeper of Time, saw free will
                                        as the only way to preserve life on Andor by creating a balance
                                        between his younger siblings.


Three robed figures stand in darkness. In their center is the world of Andor, floating. KIRYA, age
(unknown) is bathed in white robes moving softly with the wind. Next to Kirya is ATHELIOS, age
(unknown), Standing in the center of his younger twins casting a balance between their two
extremes. Next to Athelios stands TORMAN, age (unknown). Torman stands in black robes, unmoving.


                                         So, you will side with our sister Athelios?


                                         I choose Kirya's path because it is the more logical decision Torman.
                                         Darkness cannot exist without light. And your lust for power would
                                         extinguish that flame.


                                         Who cares about logical Athelios! We are gods! We should rule our
                                         creations with supreme power is that not why we are creating them?


                                         Your ideal of supreme power would pit race against race. You would
                                         have Andor destroyed before we completed our work. Even gods must
                                         follow the "Law of Balance", that is how mother keeps the universe
                                         from falling into chaos.


                                         Mothers "Law of Balance" is a way of keeping us under control. We should...


                                         Torman! I will not have this argument with you again. I am not denying you
                                         influence over the races of Andor. But, we will give them the choice to say no.


                                         Then it is settled. Let us meditate brothers, for soon we shall create the
                                         most beautiful of all things, life.


Tayloen stands in front of a classroom full of small children. Standing behind a table he picks up the history of
creation, and places it in a chest behind his desk. Turning to face the students, he continues the history lesson.


                                         Torman was still unhappy with the decision Athelios and Kirya made.
                                         So, while they rested, Torman hid the world in the fabrics of space.
                                         When Kirya and Athelios learned of Tormans treachery a great battle
                                         ensued in heaven. The god trinity fought one another as did there
                                         children. The very walls of heaven shook and crumbled. Nothing was
                                         left unscathed. This we know as the "War of the Gods".

Tayloen begins pacing slowly back and forth in front of the class.


                                         As heaven lay smoldering and destroyed, Zirra returned to find her
                                         children still fighting. Seeing Heaven crumble before her, Zirra
                                         banished her children, destroying their physical godly forms. Fearing
                                         their spirits would be destroyed too, Torman revealed the location
                                         of Andor. The god trinity and their children escaped to the world
                                         and hid from their mother.

Tayloen steps into the middle of the class room and mumbles a few inaudible words. A semitransparent
map showing nothing but flat barren land spreads across the classroom. As Tayloen begins speaking stars
around the ceiling and high on the walls start falling in towards the center. As they land, grass springs to
life, trees grow, and rain falls.


                                        As the gods stood on a barren Andor they looked up towards Heaven
                                        and watched stars come into view. As the stars fell towards the ground
                                        the gods realized that their shattered bodies had followed them to
                                        Andor. Each shard fell, and with it came the dreams and ideas of each
                                        god. Andor's creation had begun. The god shards created forest, rivers,
                                        oceans, mountains, and everything else you see in this world. Even the
                                        races of Andor came from the gods.
Title: Re: The God Shards (long)
Post by: DavidMcK on May 09, 2010, 05:38:10 PM
Hi Kiryana.

Donít know much about fantasy but this seemed ok to me. There is a lot of information to take on board at the start of this but I think this is the norm for this type of film.

I find itís good to post short segments like this, you seem to get more replies than larger pieces of work.

Good luck, I hope you post some more.

Title: Re: The God Shards (long)
Post by: Kiryana on May 09, 2010, 10:53:05 PM
Thanks for your comment David. I kind of figured with a fantasy people are coming into a new world they know nothing about. So, a brief history lesson in this form would be a good way of dropping readers/viewers into the script without them having to guess to much. Also knowing about how things happened in the beginning of time plays a big part later on in the story. Hopefully I can get some more posted up later.
Title: Re: Andor - Fantasy (800 words) (Part 1)
Post by: Kiryana on July 29, 2010, 08:46:34 AM
Just wanted to say thanks to all the reviewers and those who emailed me about the rest of the script. I'm finishing up revisions of the following segment soon and should be posting it shortly.
Title: Re: Andor - Fantasy (800 words) (Part 1)
Post by: irallan on October 02, 2010, 07:16:56 AM
Used to read a lot of fantasy and find your work comparable. The religions theology is clear and flowing and not to taxing to follow.I am seeing the possibilities of where you could take this and am very interested to read more. I like the addressing of the issue of power and the concept of a god ruling with laws and also without it . Tend to see a positive , negative potential there of Torman as the chaotic negative devil figure and Kirya as the good angelic type. Like the neutral introduction to raise a trinity to epitomise I suppose the intrinsically inert factors in life such as time that have no intent either negative or positive...Have enjoyed this and a lot of the many others I am reading here.Thank you for sharing.Warm regards..Iain
Title: Re: Andor - Fantasy (800 words) (Part 1)
Post by: Kiryana on October 29, 2010, 11:51:18 PM
Thanks for your response I really appreciate the support!
Title: Re: Andor - Fantasy (800 words) (Part 1)
Post by: Scripter on November 04, 2010, 03:12:26 PM
I'll comment about the technical aspects only. The purpose of writing a script is to have it made into a film so before talking about story it's always advisable to deal with presentation first. Learn the craft. A script reader is your gateway to the industry and to impress him you need not to just grip him with the story but prove practically that you know your stuff. I'm typing this on a phone so I'll drop in later to add onto this but before I leave, I have some advice. Sci-fi and fantasy are high budget genres a new writer can NEVER break into. I'm not discouraging you but it pays to be practical. One thing you don't want to learn the hard way is knowing how the industry works: narrative variation within familiar narrative experience.
Title: Re: Andor - Fantasy (800 words) (Part 1)
Post by: Fagins girl on November 08, 2010, 09:37:12 AM

I like it so far. The only thing I would say is that the ancient writing at the beginning is a tiny bit too long for me and I imagine on screen I might just be yearning for the next scene to begin sooner. But going by the comments of other I think it might just be down to personal taste on my part.  ;)
Title: Re: Andor - Fantasy (800 words) (Part 1)
Post by: 510bhan on November 09, 2010, 10:21:21 AM
Just SPaGs:

learned of Torman's treachery

Mother's "Law of Balance" is a way

We should rule our
                                         creations with supreme power. Is that not why we are creating them?

I think your references to aspects with speech marks outside them need to have quotation marks "Law of Balance"  s/b 'Law of Balance' etc.
Title: Re: Andor - Fantasy (800 words) (Part 1)
Post by: Kiryana on November 09, 2010, 06:29:12 PM
Thanks for the correction! I'll fix them ASAP