My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: bowmore bill on February 23, 2010, 07:14:37 PM

Title: Victory
Post by: bowmore bill on February 23, 2010, 07:14:37 PM
                         Victory                        {reworked, for better or for worse.}


When the lowest point is reached
Then to find one’s self esteem is indeed a victory.

To be free from ridicule and abuse is to find ones self reborn.

You without hope of redemption, drifting in a void of apathy and self pity
in you there is a spark waiting to be ignited
a light that can never be extinguished can never be stolen away.

Self help is to be applauded and admired
especially in those who seek to find that quality of life that is their birthright.

No avenue is to be overlooked in this quest
No task however mundane or how degrading, is to be ignored
For in the end, to rise even one centimetre above the gutter
is indeed a victory well one.

Title: Re: Victory
Post by: drab on February 23, 2010, 08:02:56 PM
Mr.B,
I like the theme here, it is uplifting. However it is full of cliches...

When the lowest point is reached, to find one’s self esteem is indeed a victory well won.
Free from ridicule  and abuse by those who see only the outer shell, is to find ones self reborn.

You lost souls who find yourself’ cast off from the mainstream without hope of redemption
drifting in a void of apathy and self pity, in each soul there is a spark waiting to be ignited
a light that can never be extinguished, that can never be stolen away.

Self help therefore is to be applauded and admired
especially so in those who seek to find that quality of life that is their birthright.

In this quest no avenue is to be overlooked
No task however mundane or how degrading it may seem, is to be cast aside.

For in the end, to rise even one centimetre above the gutter is indeed a victory well one. (won??)


It has been written about so many times that I'd imagine that it would be extremely difficult to give it a new lease of life.
But I'd really like to see you prove me wrong Bill.
Regards


Title: Re: Victory
Post by: Biola on February 24, 2010, 09:57:08 AM
Bow'
if you summarised what you were thinking into your own thoughts and said it in your own words, it would carry more of the message and punch. The most frustrating thing in the world is when people look through me as if I did not exist and carry on a conversation over my head. I got that feeling from the frustration of your N but I did not hear his voice nor yours for that matter. thanks for accepting this contribution and for sharing.
biola
Title: Re: Victory
Post by: Bobby on February 24, 2010, 10:27:41 AM
I think this needs to be much more succinct in its expression. Everything you're saying can be summed up in a line or two that carries much more weight than a dozen sentences. Maybe you should try condensing it for more force.