My Writers Circle

The Coffee Shop => Writing Games & Challenges => Topic started by: thatollie on January 04, 2010, 11:34:38 PM

Title: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 04, 2010, 11:34:38 PM
What is the question?
The rules of this game are simple. You provide the question to the answer of the previous poster, and then provide a new answer.
Example:

Quote from: poster1
Answer: 7

Quote from: poster2
Question: How many posts will this thread get?

New Answer: 5 a day.

So we'll start off with this answer.

New Answer: 5 a day.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 04, 2010, 11:41:33 PM
Question: On average, how many alcoholic drinks did Don consume in the month of December.

New answer: A serious skin rash.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 04, 2010, 11:45:13 PM
Question: What would Don get if he bathed in all his December drinks?

New Answer: Over the bridge on your right.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 05, 2010, 12:02:00 AM
Directions to the Swan public house from the A4095.

New answer: 14 to 6
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 05, 2010, 12:03:23 AM
Question: What are the odds that MWC will have at least one breakdown in 2010?


New Answer: 3.5 Billion
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 05, 2010, 12:14:23 AM
Number of frozen hamburgers McDonald's was able to make from the last 10 pounds of chopped meat they bought.

New answer: $4.32
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 05, 2010, 12:21:27 AM
Question: How much was left over from Obama's campaign fund?

New Answer: Three plastic fish and a wheel of Dutch cheese.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 05, 2010, 12:26:50 AM
First prize in Holland's new Cheese Rolling Festival.

New answer: The Bangkok to Bhopal express.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 05, 2010, 12:42:15 AM
Question: What was Thaksin Shinawatra's college nickname?

New Answer: Leftover pizza and a calculator.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: rokerman on January 05, 2010, 01:19:41 AM
Question : Where did the first W.I. meeting take place in the UK

New Answer MAEW
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 05, 2010, 01:42:14 AM
Question: What was Dr Shipman's first comment when he entered Spearmint Rhino?

New Answer: About three times a week.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rutkow on January 05, 2010, 03:08:20 AM
Question:  The average times a married couple in Western Cultures have sex.

New Answer:  380 nautical miles
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 05, 2010, 03:24:58 AM
Question: How far do you have to travel with The Proclaimers on constant loop before blowing your brains out?

New Answer: The Golden Gate Bridge.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 05, 2010, 07:56:00 AM
Question: How far did Fire-Fly get while flying east before she ran out fuel?

New Answer: Salad and a mild case of hives.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 05, 2010, 08:24:00 AM
What is the vegetarian option at a Beefeater Restaurant?

New answer: A porcupine in a tutu.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 05, 2010, 08:26:43 AM
What is the entertainment at a Beefeater Restaurant?

New answer: A skydiver and a crash helmet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 05, 2010, 11:12:05 PM
What was the name of Gyppo's debut album?

New Answer: Three weeks from Tuesday.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 07, 2010, 02:39:50 PM
how long to the next loo after taking imodium

New answer.....mild green fairy liquid
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 07, 2010, 05:04:15 PM
What did Bones stick in Tim's drink after Tim mentioned his Panda project one too many times?

new answer: phosphorescent flatulence.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 07, 2010, 11:27:07 PM
The gastric side-effect of a pan-galactic gargleblaster.

New answer: juniper berries and olives.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 08, 2010, 11:00:39 AM
Whats not included in the  pan-galactic gargleblaster

New answer:    public toilets and teenage bedrooms
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 08, 2010, 11:28:14 AM
junkie, the new essence from calvin kline (like, sniff, what's in it?)

3.1415927
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 08, 2010, 03:39:32 PM
Whats the size of the hole in my pocket

New Answer:   A lovely green shade
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 08, 2010, 05:29:29 PM
What color was Joe's face after he was made to don his new Mod Uniform?

new answer: Piccolo 
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 09, 2010, 02:32:41 AM
What is the least amusing anagram of coolpic?

New Answer: Ribbon, a deck of cards and your face.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 09, 2010, 05:20:39 AM
Name three things you should never use as a substitute for toilet tissue.

New answer: A pet dingo.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 09, 2010, 05:25:53 AM
What is Firefly's fondest childhood memory?

New Answer: Pipe cleaners and hot chocolate.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 09, 2010, 05:32:25 AM
What does Gyppo keep hidden in his sheepskin thong?

New answer: Training geese to roller skate.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 09, 2010, 05:44:16 AM
What are the organizers of this year's Superbowl halftime show doing right now?

New answer: A feather caught in the left rear wheel.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 09, 2010, 07:46:01 AM
Whats the biggest hazzard when traing geese to roller skate

new answer:  A ball-bearing, a dab of grease and more than a lot of luck
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 09, 2010, 08:09:31 AM
What do you need to perform a backstreet abortion?

New answer: There will be a smell of smoke and a crunchy topping.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 09, 2010, 08:32:35 AM
whats the aftermath of eating breakfast at wmc bar

New Answer: Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader and a Storm Trooper
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 09, 2010, 09:04:28 AM
Who had the hots for Liah?

new answer: slippery slopes and rum runners
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 09, 2010, 09:10:27 AM
What was Eddie the Eagles downfall

new answer:   a plastercast and a slightly bloody nose
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 09, 2010, 10:12:30 PM
What would you expect from propositioning Amy Grant, the actress?

New Answer:  Twenty seven pounds of cow dung.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 10, 2010, 05:24:59 AM
In essence, how would you describe George Bush's greatest speech?

New answer: A flaming whopper.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 10, 2010, 08:23:58 AM
In essence, how would you describe any speech from Bill Clinton?

New answer:  sixteen candles and twenty-seven virgins
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 10, 2010, 08:37:36 AM
What does an average Catholic priest get through every month?

New answer: A Frenchman with a tulip up his bottom.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 10, 2010, 09:04:03 AM
What the  English Navy use to sweeten the air below decks during the armada invasion

New Answer:  A Vicar, a Choirboy and a troop of Venture scouts
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Nadine1 on January 10, 2010, 01:30:32 PM
What was found in the confessional stall of St Anthony's church.

New answer:
Stir twice and leave to freeze
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 10, 2010, 01:59:41 PM
What do you do with a group of old politicians?


New Answer:  Dispose of by burning.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Nadine1 on January 10, 2010, 02:03:22 PM
What do you do when you've found out some did the deed on your sheets?

New answer: Sherlock Holmes
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 10, 2010, 02:05:08 PM
Who was Dr. Watson's closest friend?

New Answer:  Bananas and marmalade
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Nadine1 on January 10, 2010, 02:06:42 PM
What is Captain Kirk's favourite sandwhich filling?

New answer:
Fish, sugar and a large side of onions
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 10, 2010, 02:09:30 PM
What do you get at most Friday night fish-fry events?


New Answer:  What do nearly all financial managers care most about?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Nadine1 on January 10, 2010, 02:12:02 PM
your new answer is a question.
its ok, i'll think up an answer!

Shopping sprees.

New answer: Fireflies and glow worms
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 10, 2010, 02:15:36 PM
your new answer is a question.
its ok, i'll think up an answer!

Shopping sprees.

You're right.
Is this better?


What are the makings of a frog sandwich?

New answer:  no country for old men
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Nadine1 on January 10, 2010, 02:17:27 PM
What is one of the many awesome movies directed by the Cohen brothers?

New answer:  K-Pax
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 10, 2010, 02:22:13 PM
One of Kevin Spacey's very bad movies.

New answer:   Dirigibles
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 10, 2010, 02:33:24 PM
Something to place in front of the screen when  K-Pax came on


new answer:  2 shillings, a really bad hair-do and a broken comb
 
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Nadine1 on January 10, 2010, 02:35:49 PM
What are three common things in britain?

New Answer: Stephen King
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 10, 2010, 02:45:31 PM
Who would win the title of "Worst Author of childrens books"

new answer: IT, The Stand and Under the Dome
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Nadine1 on January 10, 2010, 02:47:51 PM
What are three of Stephen Kings books?

(actually two of those were made for television *stephen king nerd*

New answer: Because a fox darted across the road holding a fish.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 10, 2010, 03:01:59 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

New answer: My pen was stuck in her ear.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jazmin on January 10, 2010, 08:59:52 PM
Complete the (hitherto unknown) end of this sentence: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, but ________"

New answer: Any day but Sunday, and only if you're wearing a chicken suit.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 11, 2010, 12:23:16 AM
When is the best time to run around the egg factory?


New answer:  snowblowers, shovels and gravel

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 11, 2010, 02:43:16 PM
What are the very latest kitchen appliances in Russia

new answer:  Slightly damaged fridges filled with green pork
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 11, 2010, 11:32:42 PM
What was the shady appliance salesman trying to pawn off on unsuspecting customers?


New answer:  Glenlivet, Glenfiddich and Knockando
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: McWawa on January 12, 2010, 05:43:28 AM
 Q. Can You name three single malt whiskies distilled in the Srath Spè region of the Scottish Highlands ?


  A. The British motorway network.



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 12, 2010, 07:20:08 AM
Where do folks drive on the wrong side of the road?

new answer: Frankenstein and Cinderella
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 12, 2010, 03:04:18 PM
Who won king and Queen of the prom 1911

new answer:   somnambulism and hyper-activity
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 12, 2010, 07:42:29 PM
What are two things of which former President Bush (the younger) will never be accused?


New answer:  Britney Spears and Coco-Puffs cereal
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 12, 2010, 07:46:19 PM
Name two things you'd like to glue to your penis.

New answer: Turned up the volume and placed a pound coin in the slot.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 13, 2010, 04:14:54 PM
how to avoid being noticed buying a condom in the pub toilets

new answer:   A reprimand for working too hard

(i can understand britney but why coco-puffs?)
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 13, 2010, 06:07:08 PM
This wasn't done right. I pay you to actually do the work, not just look like you are doing the work. I don't care how many assignments you had to complete and that it took you 10 hours of your 8 hour day. If you had done it correctly the first time it wouldn't have taken so long.

new answer: violins and dandelions
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 13, 2010, 06:36:00 PM
What two things are you not likely to find in Mike Tyson's closet?


New answer:  caterpillar larva and a can of Spam
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 13, 2010, 07:01:14 PM
Quote
(i can understand britney but why coco-puffs?)

It gives that little extra sensitivity when you're with your woman.

Question: What are the top prizes in the Bognor Regis town raffle?

New answer: He slept with his grandmother.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 14, 2010, 07:47:00 AM
the succesful election slogan in the next french election

alcoholic's anonymous
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 14, 2010, 08:26:07 AM
If there's something strange
in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call?

If there's something weird
and it don't look good
Who ya gonna call?

If you're seeing things
running through your head
Who can ya call?

New answer: the dance of the sugar plum fairy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 14, 2010, 09:13:52 AM
at the last minute he changed his plea to not guilty. he told the court he was actually attempting the




new answer: mince
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 14, 2010, 10:32:31 AM
If you look inside a banker's, head what will you find?

New answer: pistachio flavoured Wellington boots.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 14, 2010, 03:31:32 PM
removed and rewritten:

presented to the elders, on behalf of the queen, for all the land south of delhi (take it or leave it)

a long, throaty growl
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 14, 2010, 04:54:24 PM
What sounds issue from Mark.'s bedroom during time alone with a soft, fluffy towel?

new answer: lollipops and pinwheels
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 14, 2010, 04:56:19 PM
at the last minute he changed his plea to not guilty. he told the court he was actually attempting the
presented to the elders, on behalf of the queen, for all the land south of delhi (take it or leave it)
these are questions?  :-\

What are the toys favored by Lolita?


New answer:  garage rock
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 14, 2010, 05:04:02 PM
whats the latest confection enjoyed by ogre children

new answer:  a large blood blister and 22 small toes
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 14, 2010, 05:56:46 PM
One of Kevin Spacey's very bad movies.
u have the right to remain silent. anything u do say  etc :-*


so, darling, what was the mystery free gift the ukranian cosmetic surgery company promised in that 'buy one booby, get the other booby free, plus mystery free gift' promotion?

football
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 14, 2010, 06:55:29 PM
Name two parts of the male anatomy.

New answer: A chimp that can sing and a tin of mushy peas.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 14, 2010, 07:06:35 PM
who will be systematically opposing the data that says climate change is man made?




he was wearing a beard of orgasm



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 14, 2010, 08:00:57 PM
What was that masked man's mask made of?


New answer:  Mark's oven
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 16, 2010, 01:49:14 PM
Where should you never sunbathe?

New answer: Bifurcation of tongue.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 16, 2010, 02:08:29 PM
posh name for what they call that morning after feeling in your mouth

new answer: lentils, carrots and don't forget the iodine
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 16, 2010, 02:22:58 PM
What is the final bit of Jamie Oliver's custard recipe.

New answer: A dingo that can play the flute.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 16, 2010, 02:30:03 PM
What was that haunting howl we heard last night in the outback

new answer : A small brown pile that is still steaming slightly
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 16, 2010, 02:49:53 PM
what does jamie oliver's custard recipe look like? Voila!




a bifurctaed dildo
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 16, 2010, 03:05:03 PM
What porno prop did Gloria two-holes McFluff auction at Sutherby's the day after her operation?

New answer: A peanut covered in strange brown substance.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 16, 2010, 03:42:18 PM
The Mars Candy Co.'s sorry excuse for a new M&M.


New answer:  Two shots of vanilla vodka.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 16, 2010, 11:40:23 PM
What is guaranteed to ruin the taste of a nice single malt Scotch?


New answer:  Gloria Vanderbilt, Gloria Steinham and Rocky Racoon
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 16, 2010, 11:47:32 PM
What trio most influenced Nickleback's music?

New answer: Saltpeter and a bottle of beer.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 17, 2010, 07:14:28 AM
What is guaranteed to keep you relaxed, loose, and lolling around?

new answer: simple Simon and a pie man
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 17, 2010, 09:35:56 AM
what was the opening line in the first draft of Rudyard Kipling's poem 'If'?



lavishly whiskered victorian altruist lord shaftesbury
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 17, 2010, 01:16:37 PM
Name a lavishly whiskered victorian

new answer  :  shine a light on it and poke it in the eye
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 17, 2010, 01:50:21 PM
doctor, what are you going to do?




cats and dogs
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 17, 2010, 02:28:01 PM
What animals, revered by the ancients, are really descendants of aliens who were marooned here centuries ago?


New answer:   pickles and a radon tube
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 17, 2010, 03:33:13 PM
how do tesco make their own brand whiskey taste so good, considering it's cheaper than lighter fluid?





i like to move it move it, i like to move it move it, i like to move it move it, i like to move it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 17, 2010, 03:47:10 PM
what are dick cheney's lovely wife Lynn, and Dick himself fondly known as among diplomatic circles



my pet cat Steve
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 17, 2010, 04:01:23 PM
so, that's one lobster, one steak tartar, one milanese veal, one langusitine, and one white truffle salad. anything else?


 this was also the theme of the southbank lecture he delivered on the occasion
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 17, 2010, 08:40:28 PM
What was "Going Broke With Other People's Money?"


new answer:  aardvark pacifier
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 17, 2010, 08:44:39 PM
How do you keep an anteater happy?

new answer: frozen knickers and tenant flogging
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 17, 2010, 08:49:24 PM
How do you keep your landlord happy?


new answer:  Beethoven, Bach, Mozart and Little Richard
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 17, 2010, 08:56:17 PM
Who was the opening act for Milli Vanilli

new answer: time in a bottle and bottled water
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 17, 2010, 09:02:49 PM
Who was a great singer who died too young, and what is a lousy ringtone?

new answer:   Bambi and Goldilocks
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jazmin on January 17, 2010, 10:34:13 PM
Which two fairytale characters shared the awarded title of "Wayward Orphan of the Year"?

N.A: Three - but sometimes four - and never after he has spoken to a crowd of 30.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 18, 2010, 07:16:36 AM
What was the last line Dickens wrote before he died?

New Answer: Futile gibbering
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 18, 2010, 09:35:18 AM
what is your wife's Navaho name?




it was an accident
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 18, 2010, 12:05:14 PM
do your three cows have names?




ronald reagan
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 18, 2010, 12:21:32 PM
yeh i'm alright. apart from that bloody werewolf roaming about the place, feeding on the innocent. do you know of anything i can adourn the outside of my house with to protect myself?



cabernet sauvignon, a plastic cup, and a dark recess from where i can see everything
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jazmin on January 18, 2010, 11:06:24 PM
What was the turbaned terrorist's last known request?

N.A: Hardly, but I will for three oversized watermelons.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 19, 2010, 06:34:09 AM
how long ago did you take the acid tab?





a new way of being
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: PScott on January 19, 2010, 05:29:17 PM
What did you get in your crackerjack box?



Absolutely…wait, no….not a chance in hell!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 19, 2010, 05:32:23 PM
What do you say we join the Polar Bears Club and go jump in an icy river?



New answer:  champagne and bubble gum
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: PScott on January 19, 2010, 05:51:20 PM
You’re going to fix that bullet wound with what?



If you insist, but I don’t think your mother will approve
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 19, 2010, 06:32:35 PM
shall we support man utd?




up yours, fuckface
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 19, 2010, 08:33:11 PM
What phrase is used most frequently to stall a game?

New answer: blueberries and fried rice.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: PScott on January 19, 2010, 11:53:25 PM
Oh no…she’s….she’s dead, what did you feed her??!!


How dare you ask me that!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 20, 2010, 01:04:07 AM
Are you a virgin?


new answer:   wild rice and pimentos
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: PScott on January 20, 2010, 01:26:13 AM
Will dry sand pigment toes?



The thunder chicken
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 20, 2010, 06:07:18 AM
who was spiderman's first love?




and i looked up, and it was Al Gore
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 20, 2010, 07:48:24 AM
Who frightened Superman, Spiderman, and the Green Lantern?


new answer: Pippy Longstocking and Hansel
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 20, 2010, 07:58:21 AM
who are up a tree?




behind a chilli plant
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 20, 2010, 08:08:18 AM
Where are Yosemite Sam and his paramour, Olive Oyl?


new answer: Donald Duck
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 20, 2010, 08:21:24 AM
what were the last words that Rumsfeld heard, just too late however, right before being hit in the face with my custard pie






postman pat and his black and white cat
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: randolph on January 20, 2010, 08:46:06 AM
Which outwardly benign children's characters represent a Marxist-Leninist paradigm?

Once every tuesday, and three times on Saturdays, unless it's a leap year.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 20, 2010, 08:56:03 AM
ok you've written some new lyrics for our death metal band 'Thunderclaps of Nostrodamus'. what are they?




i like to keep my hands in a muff
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: PScott on January 20, 2010, 12:32:33 PM
And what did Bill Clinton say in response?



Yes, and he smelled awful
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 20, 2010, 12:35:42 PM
Did you hear they've resurrected Jim Morrison?


new answer:  mud pies and dog dung
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: PScott on January 20, 2010, 01:09:38 PM
What did you call your relatives?



I was so scared I peed my pants
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 20, 2010, 02:36:30 PM
What was John Waynes last meal

new answer:  three cracks in his left cheek
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: PScott on January 20, 2010, 04:27:33 PM
Why are P-Diddy's pants so saggy?



I thought that was illegal
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 20, 2010, 05:50:00 PM
Why didn't you write sooner?



new answer:  watermelon rind
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: PScott on January 21, 2010, 02:41:21 AM
What's wrong with you, what have you been smoking?



I want my lawyer present before I answer that
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jazmin on January 21, 2010, 02:50:30 AM
For the record--what was it, exactly, that caused you to rip off your clothes and run down the street yelling "Paradigm" at the top of your lungs?

New Answer: Well I did tell you what would happen if you tried that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: PScott on January 21, 2010, 03:12:11 AM
Why am I lactating?



What a horrible thing to ask me!  You should be ashamed!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 21, 2010, 10:51:46 AM
Would you do it as a favor?


new answer:  pizza and jello
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: PScott on January 22, 2010, 12:48:00 AM
So….did your date have any weird fetishes?



It’s funny you should ask, I have one right here
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 22, 2010, 02:03:13 PM
Where did I put that loaded revolver?


new answer:  Martha Stewart and the Pope
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 23, 2010, 08:45:07 AM
Who were the Homecoming King and Queen for Rome High during the last year of the Punic Wars?

new answer: kettle drum and kettle of fish
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: rikki on January 24, 2010, 03:04:30 AM
What are the two toughest things to hawk for smack?

new answer: a leaking colostomy bag
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 24, 2010, 04:48:40 AM
Where do the British National Party get their policies?

New answer: She rode a unicycle and he hopped about on a pogo stick.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: rikki on January 24, 2010, 05:30:27 AM
What did Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama do to show they were 'for the people'?

New answer: Six foot of rope and a pick-up truck.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 24, 2010, 11:36:08 AM
What did Hilary use to get Bill out of the White House

new answer:  A six foot put but you have to use your driver
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: rikki on January 26, 2010, 09:00:58 PM
What advise did my developmentally disabled caddy give me on the green?

new answer: a prolapsed rectum on his wedding night.

(sick, I know, but it should get the game rollin' again)  

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 27, 2010, 12:44:47 PM
What was the only thing not given to him by his fiance after the wedding?


new answer:   kettle drums and chicken parts
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 27, 2010, 01:29:25 PM
What makes playing the 1812 Overture so exciting each year at the Kentucky Fried Chicken annual get together?

new answer: slippery slopes and roller blades.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 27, 2010, 02:16:05 PM
What can make snow skiing even more interesting?



new answer:  banana cream pies
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 29, 2010, 02:42:33 PM
What desert did micheal feed to bubbles

new answer A pitchfork and three wriggling worms
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 29, 2010, 03:32:12 PM
how did the farmer, albeit affected by too long alone with the weedkiller, ask the painter to render the portrait of himself, his wife, and two lovely children?

snatch

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 29, 2010, 04:03:43 PM
"What do you call that?" the inquisitive young boy asked the lady next door.


new answer:  pitchforks and shovels
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 30, 2010, 02:46:53 PM
Whats in the new "ready to go" toolkit as used by Burke and Hare

new answer rape, pillage and marry
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 30, 2010, 03:59:44 PM
What sums up the current dating scene most succinctly?


new answer:   linoleum tile and marmalade
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on January 30, 2010, 04:13:06 PM
ok. so we've established you're an orange. but, mike, what was the last thing you saw before hitting your head?


a creeping sensation up my back
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 30, 2010, 10:05:34 PM
What would I get if I was an astronaut and the zero-gravity toilet went on the fritz?

New Answer: A pair of aces and a pearl-handled derringer.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 30, 2010, 10:22:36 PM
What beats three twos?

new answer: patience and fortitude
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on January 31, 2010, 02:34:29 PM
what did the celibate father name his hands

new answerA new master plan
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Marie Meyers on January 31, 2010, 03:56:51 PM
-Oh, I wanna try! This sounds like so much fun!!!-

Question: What did Plankton tell Karen he had after Mr.Krabbs kicked him out of the Krusty Crab?

Answer: An oreo shake
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on February 01, 2010, 02:03:53 PM
what did Bill Clinton choke on during his episode with "that woman"

New Answer: oral, and hand gestures
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 01, 2010, 04:05:07 PM
What are two ways coaches communicate with their teams on the field of play?

new answer: philistines and filibusters
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 01, 2010, 10:03:19 PM
What does Washington, D.C. produce in the largest quantities?

New answer: absinthe and abstinence
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 02, 2010, 04:17:00 AM
What is the cure for a sore bottom?

New answer: Because there is only one.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on February 02, 2010, 03:13:14 PM
Why are you neek ?

new answer: now thats a real dirty thought
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 02, 2010, 03:18:20 PM
I wonder if Jennifer Garner wears thongs, or goes without?


new answer:  chili and grapefruit
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on February 02, 2010, 03:22:20 PM
So whats the latest ice cream flavour

new answer: The dog sat on her face
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 02, 2010, 03:27:25 PM
Why is the Queen smiling?


new answer:  Moscow and St. Louis
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on February 02, 2010, 06:06:15 PM
ok we're going to play an association game. what comes into your head when i say, 'Reds and Blues'?


i am a banana
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 02, 2010, 06:45:20 PM
What makes you think you would make a better chancellor than Alistair Thicko Darling?

New answer: a post it note.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 02, 2010, 09:51:52 PM
I'm gonna make a list of Obama's qualifications to be president. How big a piece of paper do I need?

New answer: fourscore and eight
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 03, 2010, 02:39:33 AM
What is the square root of a pineapple?

New answer: He survived by suckling wild pigs and wearing their dung for warmth.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on February 03, 2010, 07:56:33 AM
after sending out, in a spirit of happy optimism, his first submission, how did he cope after he received the dreaded form rejection, thanks but no thanks?


a million bottles all in a row
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 03, 2010, 08:49:15 AM
How many empties does a landlord have after he has finally finished flogging his last failure-to-pay tenant?

new answer: a grass skirt, a lei, and a headache
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 03, 2010, 11:08:52 AM
What did the college student have the first morning of Spring Break?


new answer:  A Republican with brains
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on February 03, 2010, 03:30:55 PM
Who is the last person most americans would choose as their next president

new answer:  Pikachoo and Bomberman
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 03, 2010, 08:54:49 PM
What video games are most often played by anarchists with allergies?

New answer: Two C-clamps and a roll of duct tape.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on February 04, 2010, 02:24:11 PM
bet you can't guess what i found in my emergency first aid kit

new answer:  a big spot on the end of her nose filled with yellow stuff
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Two9A on February 04, 2010, 02:48:49 PM
A woman picked up a used pillow on an overnight flight; what happened during the night?

New answer: Second-hand flux capacitor
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 04, 2010, 03:08:15 PM
What is that "brainy" Republican trying to repair?



new answer:  angels and demons
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on February 04, 2010, 03:29:05 PM
latest T.V program    parents about kids

new answer:  A shiny dome with hair all around
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 04, 2010, 04:09:42 PM
What was most valuable asset of Morag, the one-breasted, hirsute, stripper?

New answer: Not until he realised it was not a coffee bean in his flaming Sambuca.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on February 05, 2010, 03:48:25 PM
Mark, sat alone in the MWC bar, couldn't find the words to describe the concoction placed on the table in front of him.

new answer:3 slugs munching on a cockroach shell
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 05, 2010, 05:27:26 PM
How do you describe a typical Republican fundraiser dinner?


new answer:  Lear jet and nylon hose
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on February 06, 2010, 03:00:15 PM
How did Liberace get to his own funeral and what was he wearing?

New Answer: A mess in the bed and a pair of frilly pink boxer shorts
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 07, 2010, 07:25:26 AM
What did Mark's wife find on her return from a visit to her mother's house?  (If our Mark doesn't have a wife or mother in law, then this is some other Mark)

new answer: a potato as a silencer and a stick of gum
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 07, 2010, 10:48:20 AM
What were the clues that exposed the thief as a childish amateur?


new answer:  wife number one and wife number two
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: robc on February 07, 2010, 01:59:30 PM
Who did wife number 3 recruit as witnesses for the prosecution in her divorce case

new answer: 1 Large smelly log and 3 seagulls
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: janmarie on February 09, 2010, 06:58:27 PM
Question: What did you land on when you fell overboard?

New Answer:  Twenty dollars and a pack of smokes
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 11, 2010, 09:20:50 PM
What's the going rate for a hooker in Piscataway?

New answer: Warm beer and a tin of anchovies.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 12, 2010, 12:07:16 PM
What is the worst lunch you can think of?


new answer:  a Times Square hooker
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on February 12, 2010, 09:10:37 PM
what is the worst lunch you can think of?

a times square hooker
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 12, 2010, 09:25:29 PM
 ??? :-\
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on February 12, 2010, 09:37:57 PM
sorry to pause it all for a moment

i meant that herron's answer was really perfect for his question so I asked it again... can u think of a worse lunch than a TSH?

and the answer is: a times square hooker
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 12, 2010, 09:39:43 PM
I got that, pb

What do you call somebody fly fishing in the 7th Avenue storm drains?

New Answer: Absinthe and abstinence.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on February 12, 2010, 09:46:33 PM
when his liver protruded out his nostril for the first time, what did he see in his right eye, what did he see in his left eye?


fish and chips


(btw Don, nice poem. I voted for cold bier  :o)

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 12, 2010, 11:08:36 PM
(thanks. It's never the wrong time for beer. :) )

What's today's lunch special at the Intel cafeteria?

Peanut butter cookies.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 13, 2010, 02:14:44 PM
what is the worst lunch you can think of?

a times square hooker
sorry it took me so long to get it!  :-[


What's the official snack of Grandma's Anonymous?

new answer:  bread crumbs and toothpaste
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 13, 2010, 03:12:15 PM
What did Hansel and Gretel and the Tooth Fairy use to find their way back home?

New answer: One whiskey, one scotch and one beer.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: pb on February 13, 2010, 05:21:45 PM
what three things walked into a bar and proceeded deftly towards the punchline, 'and i looked round, and it was Hemmingway.'


it was stephen king


btw no worries, herron
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 13, 2010, 05:44:50 PM
Why was the elderly matron shocked to see who would be writing her biography?


new answer:  petroleum jelly and a taco
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 13, 2010, 06:00:24 PM
What was the last thing the man saw, as the Queen's sword struck him?


new answer:   blueberry pie and olive oil
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 13, 2010, 06:06:12 PM
What are the two key ingredients for an American salad dressing?

New answer: who cares provided you remove the javelin from my head.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 13, 2010, 06:17:58 PM
Is it yet time to wear white shoes with this outfit?

New answer:  spearmint and spears
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 14, 2010, 07:44:59 AM
Name two things that can aggravate chronic piles.

New answer: because I only have eyes for you.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 14, 2010, 07:53:55 AM
Why do you keep spelling "you" as yii?

new answer: boiling water over ice.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 28, 2010, 10:26:12 PM
How do you make instant water?

New answer: Albuquerque and Alameda
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on March 01, 2010, 11:10:29 AM
Can you name two places you wouldn't want to be able to "transport" to?


new answer:   The Wicked Witch of the West and Mick Jagger
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 03, 2010, 08:30:41 PM
How did Jerry Hall address Mick and Bianca's party invitations?


New Answer: Armadillo tracks and a dead coyote.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ddchapman on March 04, 2010, 05:29:11 AM
How did Jerry Hall address Mick and Bianca's party invitations?


New Answer: Armadillo tracks and a dead coyote.

Proof that the Roadrunner was guilty of murder for hire.

New Answer: the pig who couldn't oink
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jazmin on March 04, 2010, 06:36:17 AM
Which sentence did Charlotte write in her web, that was cut out after the first book edit?

New answer: Say no more squire, I will deposit her immediately.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 11, 2010, 10:50:15 PM
"And what did the butler say when the Squire informed him there was a million pounds of life insurance on the lady of the house?"

New answer: Kevlar underwear.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 13, 2010, 10:28:25 AM
What is Victoria's secret?

New answer: Hamster skin boots.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 13, 2010, 10:31:07 AM
What are hamsters favorite types of footwear?


Answer: strawberry pie and herbal tea
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 13, 2010, 11:03:38 PM
My washing machine is getting gunked up. Can you think of anything I could put in there to clean it out?

New answer: Gypsy Rose Lee's rose.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: sc3n3_so_sw33t on May 05, 2010, 01:06:06 PM
Question: Wait... So who's rose was it again?

Answer: 42 packs of ammunition
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on May 05, 2010, 01:57:04 PM
What's in the typical middle-school kid's locker these days.   :'(


new answer:   Lady Gaga and Madonna
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 10, 2010, 07:14:09 AM
Who are the Nominees for the Most Bizarre Stage Costume for this year's Razzies?


New answer:  A pearl necklace.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 10, 2010, 08:14:13 AM
What are oyster débutantes wearing this season?

New answer: I'm not sure but I think I'd enjoy it!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 10, 2010, 08:44:09 AM
How would you feel about wearing fishnets with a swimsuit?



New answer:  One can never be too careful.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 10, 2010, 10:02:56 AM
Why do you wear a condom while watching the rugby?

New answer: I'd flambé it and serve it with a nice Chianti.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 10, 2010, 10:04:49 AM
How do you serve your chicken?


New answer:  Gold and black with braiding.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 10, 2010, 10:26:24 AM
What colour is your soul?

New answer: tiddly pom pom pom.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on May 10, 2010, 10:56:06 AM
What is the name of England's 3-man team at the Australian Tiddlywinks Championship?

New answer: Add two shots of Jack Daniels and a jigger of cornstarch.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 10, 2010, 11:05:31 AM
What do you do to get your eyes looking so blue?

New answer: I found him asleep in the laundry basket.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 10, 2010, 03:50:47 PM
What is the best way to spend your last few hundred dollars?


answer: sniveling cowards, all.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 10, 2010, 04:36:23 PM
How would you describe the moderators on this board?

New answer: Well not with a spanner, that's for sure!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 10, 2010, 07:24:30 PM
(I have no idea where my answer to question thing originated from, but that was very out of the blue, wasn't it?)

How do you get a really fat woman into pantyhose that are size small?

answer: Colonel Mustard with horseradish
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 11, 2010, 02:27:08 AM
What makes Mrs Scarlett really happy?



New answer:  In a bathtub.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 11, 2010, 02:58:48 AM
Where's the best place to dismember an ex-wife.

New answer: We counter her toes, just to be sure.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 11, 2010, 03:06:07 AM
How do balance the weight on a fat lady's corpse?


New answer:  Upside down.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 11, 2010, 03:22:19 AM
How are things in New Zealand?

New answer: I first became suspicious when I found some crappy 80s music on my iPod.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 11, 2010, 06:31:20 AM
What made you think Madonna had been in your bedroom?


New answer:   Creme Caramel.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 11, 2010, 07:02:14 AM
And what was she wearing at the time?

New answer: Oh, not until I saw the hairs on her palms.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 11, 2010, 07:28:05 AM
So did you plan to marry the girl?


New answer:   I couldn't bear the thought of the reputation that would follow me.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 11, 2010, 07:37:00 AM
Why were you walking backward?

New answer: The ice cream had melted by then, so there was no point in even trying that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 11, 2010, 07:44:28 AM
Did you stick the ring in the ice cream cone like you planned?


New answer:   It seems you don't understand otherwise.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 11, 2010, 08:03:31 AM
Come dite al contrario in italiano?

New answer: I didn't object to the dog food per se -- in fact that was an improvement on McDeadCows -- but the constant whining was terrible.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 11, 2010, 08:05:22 AM
What made you go back to McDeadCows?


New answer:  Her left thumb was found jammed in his eye.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 11, 2010, 08:10:07 AM
What makes you think he came fist?

New answer: It was short, very short, and covered in a fine white powder.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 11, 2010, 08:11:26 AM
How would you desribe the walking stick belonging to the Sand Man?



New answer:   It was better than wearing a glove.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 11, 2010, 08:18:21 AM
Why did you wear a slipper on your penis?

New answer: I studied philosophy at college.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 11, 2010, 08:20:33 AM
How can someone supposedly so intelligent come out with a statement so ridiculous?



New answer:   eight hundred and sixty nine light years.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 11, 2010, 08:22:27 AM
How long does it take my girlfriend to get ready to go out?

New answer: I just used it as a pillow.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 12, 2010, 02:29:05 AM
What on earth happened to my box of stockings?


New answer:   It never rains, but it pours.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 12, 2010, 02:44:54 AM
Why are you wearing that wetsuit in bed?

New answer: I hoped you'd ask me that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 12, 2010, 03:06:12 AM
Are you on steroids?



New answer:  Pink gardenias.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 12, 2010, 03:30:12 AM
And what would madam like with her sausage?

New answer: I found it in my duffel bag.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 12, 2010, 03:32:35 AM
How on earth did you end up with a pair of pink high heels and a corset young man?



New answer : It's contaminated.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 12, 2010, 03:38:58 AM
What is the bath water like now you've finished washing your feet?

New answer: Take your filthy hands off my hedgehog!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 12, 2010, 03:41:28 AM
How do hedgehogs mate exactly?



New answer : But it's ready now!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 12, 2010, 04:51:46 AM
This is making my finger hurt; how much longer do you think it will take?

New answer: It may taste like peppermint but in fact it contains no non-artificial ingredients.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 12, 2010, 05:08:17 AM
Are you sure this isn't peppermint flavoured underwear?


New answer:   It's never too late!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 12, 2010, 05:31:11 AM
What is the Pope's view on withdrawal?

New answer: The higgs boson was a clue of course, but then when I found Stephen's diary and saw that he'd drawn a willy on Einstein's chin, I knew it was time to go public.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 12, 2010, 05:36:20 AM
What made you realize that your alter ego had been impersonating a journalist while finding ways to embarass you?



New answer:  In an underground cavern hidden by thirty decades of ash buildup from the nearby volcano.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 12, 2010, 05:42:24 AM
Where does a Scotsman keep his wallet?

New answer: I shut the car door and ran for my life!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 12, 2010, 05:48:14 AM
What did you do after lighting the firecracker and placing it under the backseat of your new mercedes?



New answer:  six women and a baby.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 12, 2010, 05:57:08 AM
What did you have for lunch?

New answer: The left one is slightly heavier.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 12, 2010, 06:23:06 AM
Why is your rose bushes drooping towards the left?



New answer : A bucket of fish.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 12, 2010, 06:30:32 AM
What did you use as the base for your latest designer perfume?

New answer: My space hopper couldn't take the strain!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 12, 2010, 08:30:19 AM
Any particular reason for balancing your broom on your nose?


New answer :  As far as I want!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 12, 2010, 08:36:43 AM
How far does your Granny let you go?

New answer: Sometimes I have to stroke it with a feather, but in the end it always seems to work.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 12, 2010, 08:55:31 AM
Does rubbing syrup into your hair really make it softer?



New answer :  My level of tolerance for all things gross had reached it's limit by then.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 12, 2010, 09:07:55 AM
So you'd been living with a dingo for eight years; you'd had three children-pups by him; you'd stared together in the box office success, Debbie does Dingo, and you'd had an affair with his brother, why leave him after all that?

New answer: Nope!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 12, 2010, 09:12:39 AM
Does living with a Dingo make you a better person?



New answer :  It was the jello that did him in.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 12, 2010, 09:18:14 AM
Why did the evil American jelly murderer get caught so easily when he came to the UK?

New answer: She tried to convince me it was some kind of giant pizza.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 12, 2010, 09:23:04 AM
Why are you and Lisa arguing about Italy and the Leaning Tower?



New answer : A gentleman's club.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 12, 2010, 09:26:22 AM
What did you use to batter that peasant to death?

New answer: I used angostura bitters initially and then a cotton bud dipped in goose fat.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 12, 2010, 09:29:36 AM
How did you get such a shine to your ears?


New answer : Only when I have to.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 12, 2010, 09:33:17 AM
Do you actually DO any work?!

New answer: I spotted his hook.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 12, 2010, 09:40:20 AM
How did you know he was impaling pigs?



New answer : Not this week.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 12, 2010, 10:36:55 AM
How's it going, have you been able to stay off cocaine this week?

New answer: I jabbed my thumb into his eye.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on May 12, 2010, 04:47:22 PM
Why is your brother wailing like that?


new answer:  Picasso and Rembrandt
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 13, 2010, 03:26:51 AM
What did you name your ears?


New answer : It tastes like socks boiled in pond scum.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 13, 2010, 03:48:59 AM
What do you think of English wine?

New answer: The only evidence that it happened, is a small stain on the bedroom ceiling.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 13, 2010, 06:46:40 AM
Did you manage to clean up after scorching the bedroom ceiling with the flaming pork chops?



New answer : It looked like something out of Stephen King's imaginary circus.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 13, 2010, 07:34:19 AM
What was your hair like when you got out of the shower?

New answer: Pies! Hundreds of them!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Dvicious on May 13, 2010, 07:41:33 AM
What was the five day weather forecast for our psych ward this week?

New answer: The ever expanding tide of incontinence.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 13, 2010, 07:50:00 AM
Are there any other reasons why we should reform the House of Lords?

New answer: A madman with a pineapple.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on May 13, 2010, 11:01:40 PM
Complete the following: Former Panama dictator Manuel Noriega was extradited to France because he was...

New answer: Kevin Bacon's tomato.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Dvicious on May 13, 2010, 11:20:12 PM
So what did the doctor say was causing the swelling?

new answer: The newest most urban xtreme energy drink with a tidal wave of edgy in your face super caffeinated neon-black flavor!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 14, 2010, 03:25:15 AM
How would a marketing exec describe a cup of tepid Earl Grey tea?

New answer: She used his foreskin as a sleeping bag.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 14, 2010, 07:14:24 AM
How did Tinkerbell manage to sleep through the night?

Answer: several pounds of turnips
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Dvicious on May 14, 2010, 08:43:16 AM
What did your girlfriend mean by kinky?

new answer: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 14, 2010, 06:58:11 PM
"What do you mean, you won't let me return this wrinkled napkin?" asked Willis Bond.

new answer: sitting atop the television set
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 15, 2010, 03:47:21 AM
Where do you eat your TV dinners?

New answer: The auditorium was full of nutters and weirdos!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 15, 2010, 06:54:27 AM
Did you notice what was in the audience when the camera scanned past at a Dr. Phil taping?

New answer: Marshmallow cream and whiskey
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Dvicious on May 15, 2010, 07:08:04 AM
Doctor, please I have to know, is there any alternative to chemo therapy?

new answer: Man, I'm drunk.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 15, 2010, 06:49:59 PM
What did the grizzly bear say when it woke to find itself in a threesome with Sarah Palin and the Archbishop of York?

New answer: It's sort of like an American sitcom, but funnier.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 16, 2010, 06:56:05 AM
What is Proust's book Remembrance of Things Past like?

New answer: a British dentist and an American beer maker
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 16, 2010, 07:13:31 AM
Who shared the Noble prize for incompetence in 1999?

New answer: He used a lolly stick as a splint.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 16, 2010, 07:53:26 AM
The hooker couldn't figure how exactly what she was feeling and then she looked down.

new answer: a terrible headache
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 16, 2010, 07:56:32 AM
What is a good antidote to a sore thumb?

New answer: That's a secret!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 17, 2010, 02:58:43 AM
How is that transvestite gig that you got going?

New answer :  Only black and blue, usually with orange spots.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2010, 05:44:42 AM
What colour is your bottom?

New answer: The goat was distraught!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 17, 2010, 05:52:12 AM
Why didn't you go back to another vet to have the protrubence looked at?


New answer :  When pigs fly.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2010, 06:01:28 AM
Will you lend me 10 pence?

New answer: I used a souped up, jet powered, roller-skate.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 17, 2010, 06:24:58 AM
How did you manage to appear out of nowhere? 


New answer : Raspberry applecake.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2010, 06:29:39 AM
Just remind me, what's the name of your daughter?

New answer: If it hadn't been for the brown paper bag, we'd never of got married.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 17, 2010, 06:34:59 AM
Honey, why would you want me to throw out the paper bag from the Piggly Wiggly?


New answer : It never got off the ground.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Dvicious on May 17, 2010, 06:40:53 AM
Whatever happened to your business idea to mass produce legless pet dogs for blind children?


new answer: On this day in the history of our great world, everything we know, have ever known, has just changed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 17, 2010, 06:52:12 AM
What's so special about 17 May 2010?


new answer : It's called Divine Retribution.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2010, 07:23:24 AM
Why are there no toilets in hell? (Apologies to Rowan)

New answer: I performed an episiotomy with my Swiss Army knife.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 17, 2010, 07:29:01 AM
Several minutes ago James seemed so pissed, but now he is calm. What happened?

new answer: six sheets of the best typing paper.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2010, 08:04:04 AM
Do you have anything you'd like to donate to the museum?

New answer: I made it into a Spanish omelette.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 17, 2010, 08:51:51 AM
What happened to those horrible white shoes of yours?


New answer : I could do with a mug of hot chocolate.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2010, 09:00:06 AM
So Jack, I'll take that cow off your hands: what would you like in exchange?

New answer: No one told me Mrs Tiggy-Winkle was a hedgehog.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 17, 2010, 09:21:37 AM
Wow.  That looks painful.  What happened?


New answer : I'd return that if I were you.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2010, 09:52:32 AM
I found this gimp mask in the Pope's handbag, do you like it?

New answer: Platform shoes and eye-liner.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 17, 2010, 09:59:39 AM
How can you tell that Posh Spice was in the pope's private bathroom?


New answer : I'll make sure to keep an eye on that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2010, 10:02:35 AM
I've bought you a gift: it's a small dish for your false eye.

New answer: Stop that it tickles.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 17, 2010, 10:04:32 AM
What is that, right there, under your chin?



New answer : There's never enough food in the house.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2010, 10:08:40 AM
Why did you eat you mum's Irish Wolfhound?

New answer: I like Dan Brown!!!!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 17, 2010, 10:09:41 AM
What is your most embarassing confession as a reader?



New answer : It's in the temple of sun-gods in Egypt.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2010, 10:23:43 AM
What did you do with my stapler?

New answer: It turned blue and then dropped off.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 17, 2010, 10:25:34 AM
What happened to that nice big bunch of bananas that was on your tree?



New answer : A foot and a half.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2010, 10:32:55 AM
What were you left with after you'd run over your foot with the lawnmower?

New answer: We put him out of his misery.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 17, 2010, 10:45:19 AM
Is there any particular reason your pet snake looks so self-satisfied?


New answer : It looks like tomato sauce.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2010, 10:51:35 AM
What do you think of modern art?

New answer: Jazz obviously.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: sc3n3_so_sw33t on May 17, 2010, 12:48:57 PM
What is your favorite type of music?

new answer: 21 ninjas in my soup
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on May 17, 2010, 03:27:03 PM
What was in the sumo-size bowl at the Japanese restaurant?

new answer:  tobasco sauce and KY Jelly
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2010, 04:03:44 PM
What's the best way to lubricate a ninety-year-old?

New answer: The contents of her vacuum cleaner bag.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 18, 2010, 05:41:51 AM
Did you ever find out what it was that Lucy so desperately wanted to give Charles?


New answer : Shake, rattle and roll.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 18, 2010, 05:49:02 AM
How do we remove your false leg?

New answer: Constipation was the least of his worries?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 18, 2010, 06:19:07 AM
So did you grandfather go and see the proctologist after that fight he had with Tom Jones over the music for his wedding with that ex playboy bunny?


New answer :  It's slippery and cold.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 18, 2010, 06:23:34 AM
What's it like living with an Eskimo?

New answer: He was originally a brain surgeon.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 18, 2010, 06:30:07 AM
Is there any reason your brother keeps measuring your head and muttering under his breath that he can fix it?



New answer : I found it under the Eskimo.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 18, 2010, 06:52:35 AM
I thought you'd lost that sequinned bikini I bought you?

New answer: It looks like coffee and smells like coffee but heh ... that's your problem.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 18, 2010, 07:08:28 AM
I asked you to make me coffee, and instead I got muddied water.... Why?


New answer : It's too long and too hard.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 18, 2010, 07:22:38 AM
Have you ever read The Tale of Jemima Puddle-Duck by Beatrix Potter?

New answer: The duck was in the puddle, I had a clear shot, I took it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 18, 2010, 07:25:37 AM
What happened to the flying purple people eater's favourite pet?



New answer : It's a simple yes or no answer.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 18, 2010, 07:36:18 AM
What's the fundamental flaw in the concept of the binary lottery?

New answer: A piano tuner from Berlin.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 18, 2010, 08:00:36 AM
Who did your girlfriend cover in chocolate sprinkles when she cheated on you?


New answer : It burns!!!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 18, 2010, 08:42:47 AM
Was napalm any good at getting rid of the unsightly hairs on your palms?

New answer: He rode his spaniel as if it were a pony.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ChrystalDream on May 18, 2010, 08:46:51 AM
What was your brother's favourite memory from his toddler years?



New answer :  Never in a million years.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 18, 2010, 08:52:23 AM
So Miss Debenture, would you ever consider shaving off your beard?

New answer: A peppermint infusion.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on May 18, 2010, 07:48:14 PM
So, what was that flavored enema like?

New answer: A curious assortment, to say the least.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 19, 2010, 03:04:14 AM
What are your twelve kids like?

New answer: I come from a land down under.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: sc3n3_so_sw33t on May 19, 2010, 01:46:27 PM
What did you scream during the movie last night?

Answer: 12 flies, an ass, and a window wiper
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on May 19, 2010, 01:51:10 PM
Can you name some Republican members of Congress?


new answer:  pepperoni, green pepper, motzerella cheese and the Seven Dwarves
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: sc3n3_so_sw33t on May 19, 2010, 01:52:43 PM
What did you eat last sunday?

Answer: Luke Skywalker and Barney
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 19, 2010, 01:55:49 PM
Who would be best friends with Opie if he spent summers on Tatooine and winters in Mayberry?

new answer: leopard print pants and a boa.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on May 19, 2010, 01:58:00 PM
What is George Bush's favorite recreational outfit?


new answer:  pickles and Grand Marnier
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 19, 2010, 02:01:28 PM
What hoes Barack give his wife to get her "in the mood"?

new answer: silver belt buckle and a whip
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 19, 2010, 03:48:49 PM
In addition to his wife and Irish wolfhound, what two things did sir Nigel request be buried with him when he died?

New answer: She said it was safe and I could stroke it if I wanted to.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: jjrrss10 on May 19, 2010, 08:25:40 PM
What did the prostitue say when you found out that the she was a he?

New Answer: Get that thing off of me!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on May 20, 2010, 12:44:22 AM
So what did you say when the hedgehog tried mating with your bald spot?

New answer: A six-pack of Carling and a silver bullet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 20, 2010, 03:21:29 AM
What do you need to kill a creature that's half werewolf and half teenager?

New answer: We used her as a desk tidy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on May 20, 2010, 10:21:48 AM
What happened to the woman who insisted on sitting next to your laptop?

new answer:  nowhere to stick the pencil
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: sc3n3_so_sw33t on May 20, 2010, 12:04:48 PM
Question: Why have you been holding that pencil for the past three hours?

Answer: Fourteen days, twelve nights, and only two afternoons.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 20, 2010, 12:17:24 PM
How much time have you spend looking at that girl's bum?

New answer: It's a stealth tax, brought in by the gormless fool Brown, and now we're stuck with it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: sc3n3_so_sw33t on May 20, 2010, 12:20:03 PM
Question: Why is my money dissapearing from my pay check? I thought I already paid my taxes!

Answer: Flying away in a hot air balloon.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 21, 2010, 02:38:50 AM
Where is the Euro now?

New answer: We use him as a man-slave.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on May 22, 2010, 12:02:46 AM
What ever happened to Alistair Darling?

New Answer:  Curled up in the fetal position with a bottle of gin.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on May 22, 2010, 08:42:31 AM
Where's Captain Crunch?

New answer: They came for it yesterday, you were asleep so they took it without notifying you.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 22, 2010, 09:14:38 AM
What happened to my life?

New answer: That's just tittle-tattle; I barely touched the bloody man.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: sc3n3_so_sw33t on May 25, 2010, 12:52:11 PM
 Did you really beat that poor man up?

Answer: Excruciating encounters with an elephant.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on May 25, 2010, 12:55:22 PM
What is worse than meeting a furious orangutan?

new answer:  Joe Namath and Betty Boop
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 25, 2010, 01:05:33 PM
What do you have tattooed on your testicles?

New answer: He was wearing a beret and carrying a string bag filled with frogs.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on May 26, 2010, 11:00:28 PM
Can you describe the man who attacked you in the park?

New answer: Orgasms and onomatopoeia
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 27, 2010, 05:27:41 AM
Remind me, what's the title of your autobiography?

New answer: That's not a didgeridoo you fool.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on May 27, 2010, 09:27:40 AM
Why on Earth, at your age, did you have your didgeridoo circumcised?


new answer:  Marvin Gaye and menopause
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 28, 2010, 02:53:56 PM
Name two things that are worse than pilchards.

New answer: We keep her in the septic tank for obvious reasons.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: jjrrss10 on May 28, 2010, 08:51:55 PM
So where did you keep your daughter for the first year of her life?

New Answer: I had the best of intentions.... and then Howard Stern came into the picture...
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 29, 2010, 04:03:20 AM
I thought your were supposed to be cleaning the toilet.

New answer: It took months to achieve and, to be honest, we'd have had no chance if it hadn't been for the goat.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on May 29, 2010, 04:56:50 PM
Your new sculpture is incredible and is that a ram's head at the pinnacle?

New answer: Those aren't my keys.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 29, 2010, 06:02:57 PM
What did the Floridian say to the Norwegian as they gazed at Sognefjord?

New answer: That is only possible in the southern hemisphere. 
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on May 29, 2010, 11:11:48 PM
Excuse me...did you know your toilet is left handed?

New answer: All I want is my blankie and my teddy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 30, 2010, 03:38:58 AM
What were the exact words of the self-penned, first draft, of George Bush's inauguration speech?

New answer: He toured the highlands on a tandem.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on June 01, 2010, 08:06:13 PM
Where's Bob Dylan been? He looks terrible.

New Answer: Pshaw is a real word, damnit.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 01, 2010, 09:04:36 PM
Whatever happened to the Pshaw of Iran?

New answer: When Newcastle runs out of coal.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on June 01, 2010, 09:12:56 PM
When will Geordie accents stop being annoying?

New answer: We are Nihilists, probably.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Khad on June 02, 2010, 07:05:55 AM
Why can't I see the point in anything?

Why is my hat on fire ?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 02, 2010, 05:37:58 PM
When you next get an opportunity to answer a question, rather than ask one, what will that question be?

New answer: Because his hat was on fire.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: jjrrss10 on June 02, 2010, 06:42:20 PM
Why is Khad running around and screaming?

New Answer: Its not like I meant for it to be like that!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 02, 2010, 07:31:13 PM
Are you aware there's a frozen sausage stuck in your zipper?

New answer: Oh, this is what I feed my python.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 02, 2010, 10:27:35 PM
Why are you carrying six live rats?


new answer:  potato chips and mustard
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 03, 2010, 05:11:53 AM
What do you keep in your slippers?

New answer: I tied him to the radiator, but he escaped.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: jjrrss10 on June 03, 2010, 07:28:45 AM
So where was that alligator that you wanted me to get rid of?

New Answer: Get that thing out of my house!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 03, 2010, 10:19:54 AM
What did you say to Gomez when he came to visit?

New answer: I don't trust taxi drivers.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 03, 2010, 03:21:50 PM
Why did you insist on taking the train?

new answer:  Your body odor.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 03, 2010, 03:26:16 PM
What do you like most about me?

New answer: Twelve pounds, ten shillings and sixpence.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on June 04, 2010, 12:04:15 AM
How much do you want for that complete set of Dickens?

New answer: Yes.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 04, 2010, 12:11:27 AM
Really? I can just give you all my bills and you'll pay 'em?

New answer: The 'Jesus" clip from a 400cc Norton.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 04, 2010, 02:57:34 AM
What do you use to keep your toupee in place?

New answer: The "Lucifer" clip from a 50cc Vespa moped.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 04, 2010, 03:02:43 PM
What holds your chastity belt in place?

new answer:  Bertrand Russell and Carol Channing
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: jjrrss10 on June 04, 2010, 03:35:42 PM
So who was your best man and her maid of honor?

New answer: Well, the rug wasn't always brown.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on June 04, 2010, 06:07:15 PM
Where did all the refried beans go? They were here just a moment ago.

Answer: still life of water jug
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 04, 2010, 09:46:44 PM
What was Whistler planning to paint before his mom got in the picture?

New answer: A roller derby queen and Burger King.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: jjrrss10 on June 04, 2010, 10:49:24 PM
So what was you're honeymoon like?


New answer: You don't want to know...
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 04, 2010, 11:01:01 PM
You have a herniated what?

New answer: Kevlar underwear.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 05, 2010, 04:44:59 AM
What does a Glaswegian hit-man wear under his kilt?

New answer: It looks like a truffle and comes in its own silk sack.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: webday3 on June 05, 2010, 08:39:42 AM
What will you do when faced with 2 choices, and confused with which you want more?

Answer: Simple. Just toss a COIN. It works not because it settles the question. But while the COIN is in the air, you suddenly know what you're hoping for."
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on June 05, 2010, 08:50:20 AM
What is the longest explanation possible as a response to the question, "head or tail"?

answer: a fortnight in a fort
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 05, 2010, 02:01:51 PM
What's a fitting punishment for failing to understand the challenge?


new answer:  Maid Marian and Lady Gaga
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 05, 2010, 06:16:20 PM
Name two key ingredients of ox tale soup.

New answer: A wasp with no wings.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on June 05, 2010, 07:35:27 PM
What is Paul McCartney's ex-wife called?

answer: pimento cheese
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 05, 2010, 10:36:08 PM
You want anything on that burger?

New answer: A bottle of Cabo and an aardvark.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 06, 2010, 05:38:33 AM
What do you keep in your manbag?

New answer: I have a webcam.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 06, 2010, 03:37:38 PM
Why are you dancing around the room in your underwear?

new answer:  wine coolers
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: jjrrss10 on June 06, 2010, 06:25:35 PM
When I watch the game, I like to have an ice cold beer. What do you like to have?

Ellen Degeneres and John Lennon
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on June 06, 2010, 06:52:30 PM
What two things make Yoko Ono rabidly angry, especially when paired together?

Answer: sunshine and lollipops
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 07, 2010, 02:17:08 PM
How did you get that dreadful rash?

New answer: I was stroking a beaver called Reg.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 07, 2010, 07:27:38 PM
And you need this rabies shot because... ?

New answer: The House of Lords.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 08, 2010, 02:43:31 AM
Where do you do your weekly shopping?

New answer: Ermine underpants.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on June 08, 2010, 07:19:09 AM
Why are you walking so funny?

answer: fortitude and patience
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 08, 2010, 05:15:48 PM
What does it take if you want to have sex beyond fifty (that's fifty years old not fifty times a week)?

New answer: We escaped through the magic door.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 08, 2010, 11:30:29 PM
I thought they gave you a dime at Belmarsh?

New answer: Two mules and a goat.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on June 08, 2010, 11:33:16 PM
What's that noise coming from Gyppo's beard?

New answer: Look, I have them right here. You can stop filibustering now.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 09, 2010, 12:12:25 AM
Senator, what happened to our 59th and 60th votes?

New answer:  A beach hut in Bimini.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 09, 2010, 03:57:50 AM
Tell me punk, what did you do with it? WHERE IS THE HOLY GRAIL?

New answer: It was her underwear so I had to give it back; but at least I'll always have the memory of West Bromwich.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 09, 2010, 09:55:06 PM
You didn't bring back any souvenirs?

New answer: Pickled, red and fried.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 10, 2010, 06:28:13 AM
Please complete the sequence: up, down, charm, strange, top, bottom,

New answer: There's an elephant in the spare bedroom.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 10, 2010, 01:51:00 PM
Why does your mother sleep in the kitchen?


new answer:  Warren and Jimmy Buffet
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 10, 2010, 02:11:16 PM
Who invented the concept of standing around eating tiny sandwiches?

New answer: My fax machine went berserk and killed the au pair.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 11, 2010, 01:39:41 PM
Why did you hire a professional wrestler as your nanny?


new answer: fifteen-to-one odds
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 12, 2010, 04:31:34 AM
What's the chance of finding a bone in a mouthful of kipper pate?

New answer: Because the fools hired an American company to drill the well!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 13, 2010, 07:03:01 AM
Can you tell me again why my BP stock is losing money?

New answer: Armadillos and amontillado.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 13, 2010, 07:12:07 AM
Name two things you can't buy in Kwik Save.

New answer: Armoured dildos by Monty Lido.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 13, 2010, 11:55:55 AM
What is the correct Tourettes response to armadillos and amontillado?

New answer: She's a whiskey drinkin' woman.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 13, 2010, 12:16:09 PM
So Mr Usa, what are your grounds for divorce?

New answer: I was trimming Gyppo's beard whilst listening to Fatboy Slim on my Nano.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 13, 2010, 12:43:02 PM
Why is Gyppo walking around singing Everybody needs a 303?

New answer: There are only two shots left in the revolver.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 13, 2010, 02:29:16 PM
Are you feeling lucky punk?

New answer: I just wanted to sniff it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 14, 2010, 08:32:49 PM
What the hell are you doing with my jock strap?

New answer: A $25,000 reward.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 16, 2010, 03:24:05 AM
What made you steal my jockstrap?

New answer: She tried raising her flaps, but that didn't work either.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 16, 2010, 10:21:08 PM
Doesn't your girlfriend know she's not getting any lift?

New answer: Four-to-one odds simply aren't enough.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: eric on June 16, 2010, 11:07:17 PM
Why did Don bring a fifth to poker?

New answer:  Tequila.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 16, 2010, 11:27:39 PM
What's that you're pouring in the holy water?

new answer:  brake fluid
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 16, 2010, 11:32:49 PM
Isn't there anything that will make you stop drinking?

New answer: Mango mojitos and dried nuts.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 16, 2010, 11:37:55 PM
What's that floating in the toilet?

new answer:  Barbra Streisand
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 17, 2010, 03:44:14 AM
Come on Herron, that's not your real picture is it: who do you look like in real life?

New answer: During the potato famine, that was the only way to get a fix!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: jjrrss10 on June 17, 2010, 04:54:44 PM
You mean you really ate toenail clippings?

New answer: I have no idea how that got on the ceiling!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on June 19, 2010, 09:30:09 PM
What's the cat doing up there?

New Answer: Flaming Flamingoes... Der!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on June 21, 2010, 07:43:14 AM
Due to cutbacks at the zoo, what's the new entree at the Bird House?

new answer: just do it
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 23, 2010, 09:33:55 PM
I mean, like, there could be consequences, y'know an' besides, I'm not sure it's safe and who the hell knows if anybody ever tested this crap and do you really think this is okay?

New answer: Bahama mama
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 25, 2010, 05:48:40 PM
What is Bahama's mother called?

New answer: You should have seen the size of his nose!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DC on June 25, 2010, 07:12:16 PM
What did you say after 'He breathes through his ear and,,,'?

New answer: he's got a seven-inch tongue.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 26, 2010, 06:42:39 AM
Why do you love your pet lizard?

New answer: When he told me to put black pepper and vinegar on my strawberries, I assumed he was some kind of filthy foreign johnny.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on June 28, 2010, 07:45:52 PM
why were you speaking to the restaurant critique slowly and loudly?

New answer: because he believed his best friend over his own girlfriend.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 29, 2010, 04:40:28 PM
Why has his muff ration been curtailed?

New answer: The gutter ain't so bad.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 29, 2010, 07:59:58 PM
Why do you keep drinking yourself into the guuter?


new answer:  Bull Durham
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on June 29, 2010, 10:13:40 PM
What did you say to Mr. Durham when he said it wasn't his fault?

New answer: Somewhere is the south of France.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 30, 2010, 02:46:23 AM
Where do most Americans think Spain is?

New answer: Dixie.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on July 01, 2010, 11:26:47 PM
Where do the Chicks come from?


new answer: Lady Gaga
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Khad on July 04, 2010, 03:18:56 PM
Who is the female version of Danny la Rue?


Just mix flour with water


Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 05, 2010, 05:38:01 PM
How do you make Yorkshire pudding?

New answer: She drank Pimms out of my Wellington boot.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on July 06, 2010, 08:16:43 AM
Whats the stupidest thing your ex did?

New answer: 5.227464845522
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 06, 2010, 08:26:01 AM
On average, how many times a second does a woman think about cake?

New answer: He kept it on his mantelpiece, preserved in a jar of formaldehyde.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: missteek on July 06, 2010, 12:49:26 PM
What did he do after his wife cornered him and cut it off and threw it out the window of his motel room?

New answer: The doctor, in the cellar, with a door knob.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on July 06, 2010, 08:22:22 PM
Who murdered Miss Plum?

New Answer: pie
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on July 06, 2010, 08:26:53 PM
What's that you've got in your trousers?

New Answer: It's what the clients asked for.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on July 06, 2010, 08:28:54 PM
Why did you shove pie down your pants?

New Answer: As delicate as thin glass
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on July 06, 2010, 09:54:04 PM
What's the condition of your ego?

New answer: Keep back 300 feet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on July 06, 2010, 10:00:53 PM
What does that stop sign say?

New Answer: Pie is a fish
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: jjrrss10 on July 07, 2010, 04:39:23 PM
Did you just say you were going home to feed your pie?

New Answer:I said circle! Not square! CIRCLE!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on July 07, 2010, 09:27:16 PM
Here's that cake you ordered

New Answer Pie-fish
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on October 04, 2010, 07:41:34 AM
What's the correct pronunciation of Pfft?

New Answer: It was just sitting there, and then, whump.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on October 04, 2010, 07:54:05 AM
"What happened to the TV Thatollie ?" asked Thatollie's Mother




Well it was all gooey and sticky for sure.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on October 06, 2010, 04:41:05 AM
What did you think of the chefs special?

New Answer: it looks better this way.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 06, 2010, 11:43:30 AM
Why did you smash the window of that police car?


new answer:  Humpty Dumpty
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gyppo on October 06, 2010, 01:08:46 PM
"What did you use to make this enormous omelette?"

New answer.  Well...  It looks better painted black.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on October 07, 2010, 01:19:04 AM
What happened to my "white Album"?



43
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on October 07, 2010, 04:46:37 AM
What, I ask you, is one plus one?

New answer: his unmentionables.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 07, 2010, 08:18:29 PM
I know they're called The Untouchables, but are you saying I can't even use Elliot Ness' name?

New answer: For some reason, it no longer fits.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on October 07, 2010, 10:04:05 PM
Why did you kick him in the unmentionables?



Oh about five, sometimes six.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 07, 2010, 10:23:32 PM
How many times do you read the sentences, before seeing the words?

new answer:  Mother made them.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on October 07, 2010, 10:31:00 PM
Why did they come to your birthday party?


Well I fainted of course.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DC on October 07, 2010, 11:43:58 PM
Ma, what happened when you saw that picture of the Depp in Gyppo's link?


Nup, it just aint moving.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on October 08, 2010, 05:44:12 AM
Are you feet grooving? is your toe tapping?

New Answer: Bom, Bom, bom, bom bum bum bum bum....
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 08, 2010, 06:06:22 PM
What are the eight longest words you know Mr Bush?

I put the lime in the coconut.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 08, 2010, 09:53:20 PM
What did you do first in making that drink?

new answer:  bull whip
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on October 08, 2010, 11:42:38 PM
new answer:  bull whip

what's that under your bed? :o

New Answer: Oranges with pulp
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gyppo on October 09, 2010, 05:32:37 AM
What is Quentin Tarantino's favourite breakfast drink?"

New answer:  Because Gyppo made it that shape.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 09, 2010, 08:47:23 AM
Why is a drilled hole round?


new answer:   mass exodus
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 09, 2010, 09:08:12 AM
Why are those people exiting the Catholic church?

New answer: I used JavaScript and bubble gum.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 09, 2010, 12:05:13 PM
How did you patch together that broken hard drive?


new answer:  Saint Bartholemew
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 09, 2010, 01:52:54 PM
I like your fancy dress outfit; who are you supposed to be?

New answer: Suck it and see.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 09, 2010, 04:13:36 PM
What are you doing with that water hose?

new answer:  blow it away
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 09, 2010, 05:03:46 PM
When you are having oral sex and you find a cockroach clinging to your partner's bottom, what do you do?

New answer: By 1999 it was all over.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 09, 2010, 09:01:04 PM
What was the last decent year for Château Mouton Rothschild?

New answer: edible underwear
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on October 10, 2010, 04:57:06 AM
So how come you put 10 kg's on during your diet..?


Four daily sometimes I slacken and only mange three.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 10, 2010, 05:07:38 AM
How often do you visit the masterbatorium?

New answer: That's why they call her Miss Duplex.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 10, 2010, 10:15:43 AM
Why does she have two doors into her bedroom?

new answer:  on the top shelf
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 10, 2010, 10:49:34 AM
Where do you keep your false nose?

New answer: that's just tittle-tattle!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 10, 2010, 11:46:19 AM
Mr. President, will you be responding to Bob Woodward's latest allegation that you're nothing more than one of Hillary Clinton's hand puppets?

New answer: Cod liver oil
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 10, 2010, 12:19:28 PM
What does Hillary Clinton rub on her hand just before she inserts it into one of her hand puppets?

New answer: She hit me with the espresso machine.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 10, 2010, 02:25:05 PM
How did your wife respond to your comments about her dress?

new answer:  mustache wax
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 10, 2010, 10:13:30 PM
What are you wearing for Halloween?

New answer: The domino effect.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 10, 2010, 10:36:52 PM
What's that pizza laxative called?


Under the pier at hightide.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on October 11, 2010, 06:19:24 AM
where did you have your first kiss?

Very wet
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on October 11, 2010, 06:59:40 AM
What was your first Kiss like.?



Johnny Depp.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 11, 2010, 08:38:19 AM
Who loves ya baby? [Personal fantasy]


Many scerets are kept by the Vatican.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Tempered on October 11, 2010, 09:24:45 AM
Where's the Grail.

Eight minutes, I figure.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 11, 2010, 09:33:09 AM
What is the lag time between the three minute warning and the finality of the apocalypse?


Jenny said she wouldn't believe a word he uttered.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Tempered on October 11, 2010, 09:40:13 AM
Do you think she bought it?


He was born in trouble but raised with hope.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 11, 2010, 09:55:16 AM
Mum..why is my brother so weird?



It's non-smoking!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 11, 2010, 11:55:25 AM
Why doesn't this smoke detector work?


new answer:  institutional hell

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 12, 2010, 07:51:18 PM
What do you call Hades with house rules and metal detectors?

New answer: indentured servitude.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 13, 2010, 04:44:07 AM
What is another term for marriage?

New answer: Lincolnshire Poacher.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on October 13, 2010, 08:59:11 AM
What was lacking in my speech?




Actually at first it went blue.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 13, 2010, 03:13:31 PM
What color did you say the soup was?

new answer:  buttons and buffalos
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 13, 2010, 05:03:58 PM
Name two things you should never use as an alternative to toilet tissue.

New answer: I was only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 13, 2010, 06:37:13 PM
Why are you upset because the building imploded?

new answer:  holy relics
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 14, 2010, 04:59:28 PM
What's that you said, Batman?


New answer: Because trainers and coaches are two different things.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on October 16, 2010, 08:46:19 AM
why wouldn't you let those coaches near your feet?

New Answer: ;D >:( ::) :-[ ;) :'( :-*
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 16, 2010, 10:24:17 AM
Exactly what is your range of emotions?

new answer:  pickled beets
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 16, 2010, 04:25:51 PM
What gives this borscht such an interesting colour?


Undisclosed income.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 16, 2010, 05:27:01 PM
What's better than undisclosed debt?

new answer:  Tinker Belle and Jack the Ripper
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gyppo on October 16, 2010, 05:31:23 PM
Name the Dynamic Duo.

New answer:  Gherkins with custard.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 16, 2010, 05:33:46 PM
What is your favorite dessert?

new answer:  Gabriel and Beelzebub
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gyppo on October 16, 2010, 05:39:14 PM
Who features in the shockingly controversial nude play 'Love Across The Celestial Divide'?

"£1,000,000."
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 16, 2010, 07:11:47 PM
What d'ya charge, love?

Tadpoles and paint stippling
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gyppo on October 17, 2010, 04:31:18 AM
What is the latest 'must have' decor in those damned irritating 'house makeover' programmes?

New answer:  Cornflakes and Swarfega, on toast.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 17, 2010, 11:50:40 AM
What's on the menu for breakfast?

new answer:  kitty litter and spinach
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 17, 2010, 12:53:59 PM
Any suggestions what the green and gritty mix in the waste pipe might be?

New Answer: Doppelgangers or wormholes.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on October 17, 2010, 01:58:00 PM
Think of a name for a new line of underwear.



Got nipped in the bud.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 17, 2010, 02:06:40 PM
 :) :) :)

What has happened to grass roots revolutionaries?



When the only sound is water.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on October 17, 2010, 02:10:33 PM
When do you think we should start swimming?


Two goats, a duck and Mary the ewe.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 17, 2010, 07:51:35 PM
Who were the last ones off the Ark?

new answer:  Buddha and Marilyn Manson
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on October 18, 2010, 07:01:46 AM
Who are the only two people you've never heard of?

A saint of the Patron kind.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 18, 2010, 10:40:14 AM
What kind of man drinks Patron tequila?  http://www.patronspirits.com/

new answer:  Hugh Hefner and Sarah Palin
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on October 19, 2010, 06:45:45 AM
Who are two out-dated, unheard of  ::) actors/ress's?

New Answer: In the coffee shop
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 19, 2010, 11:05:19 AM
Where did they find those "actors/ress's" Hugh Hefner (founder of Plyboy Magazine) and Sarah Palin (joke Republican candidate for Vice President)?


new answer:  masochists and cloistered nuns
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 19, 2010, 11:27:23 AM
Who resides in our local convent?


A basque and a pair of waders.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gyppo on October 19, 2010, 02:25:49 PM
What does 510 wear when she's salmon poaching in the Liffey?

New answer.  Faggots
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 19, 2010, 02:49:56 PM
What savoury dish or an item to burn might be confused with homophobic slang?


Periodical journals.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 19, 2010, 04:39:47 PM
What form of publishing is rapidly disappearing?

new answer:  lemurs and giraffes
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 19, 2010, 04:44:00 PM
What's the new rhyming slang for gossip and giggles?


Frantically doing breast stroke




Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 19, 2010, 04:50:44 PM
How did you spend your time at the titty bar?

New answer: I threw a five and a six and started baring off.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 19, 2010, 07:23:48 PM
What was your last move in Backgammon?


Residential buildings or potato cakes
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 19, 2010, 10:13:39 PM
What choice did the realtor give to the interested buyer, when he learned he was almost bankrupt?


new answer:  titty bars and the Pope    ::)
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on October 20, 2010, 03:20:43 AM
what's the anwer to the question I'm about to ask?
(LOL, I knew I'd heard their names somewhere.... just assumed they were actors/ress's since that's what everyone is now a days.)

What you need to know for the _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 20, 2010, 06:52:35 PM
What should I study for the ____ ______?

New answer: A jar of axle grease and fortitude.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 20, 2010, 06:57:47 PM
What do you need if you plan to marry Miss Vice-Pussy?

New answer: King Henry VIII

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 20, 2010, 07:08:22 PM
Was Mike Myer's Fat Bastard based on any historical characters?

New answer: A funnel and a pint of detergent.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on October 21, 2010, 11:33:13 AM
She brought what to the swingers party?



Two dwarfs and an ostrich.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 21, 2010, 01:14:52 PM
What were you doing?

It all depends in the ripeness of the fruit.



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 21, 2010, 04:39:19 PM
What would you rather have, a melon or a woman?

New answer: That's why they call her Mrs Brown-Spaniel.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 21, 2010, 05:07:18 PM
Was she really caught dogging?


My best hoodie faded and I haven't got anything else.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 21, 2010, 06:31:01 PM
Why are you wearing that stinking old vest on your head?

New answer: He said that if I could knock over a tower of fifty pence pieces using only my foreskin, he'd make me ambassador to the United Nations.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 21, 2010, 07:48:20 PM
Why are you such a follower of George Bush?

new answer:  lemon jello and battery acid
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 21, 2010, 08:55:54 PM
Do you know of a good cure for dandruff?




My legs still ache
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 21, 2010, 09:58:27 PM
How was your date last night?    (sorry, couldn't resist)  :-*

new answer:  angels and demons
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 22, 2010, 02:38:39 AM
What's the best toilet paper you have ever tried?

New answer: It happened in the library!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 22, 2010, 09:01:49 AM
Where did Professor Plum finally get Miss Scarlet?

new answer:  wine and roses
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on October 23, 2010, 12:19:55 AM
new answer:  wine and roses


What did you throw into the fire first?

New Answer: Frothing eyeballs
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 23, 2010, 03:57:46 AM
What do you get if you wear red-hot spectacles?

New answer: A chocolate covered brussels sprout.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on October 23, 2010, 08:34:32 AM
What is the lamest ever attempt at making disgusting slightly less so?

New Answer: Post Fix Live
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 23, 2010, 08:44:13 AM
What is the name of the new Channel 4 programme about a Linux mail server that has evolved into a sentient being?

New answer: She only had one leg, and yet, in many ways that added to her charm.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on October 23, 2010, 11:59:45 AM
What was Paul McCartyney's first impression of Heather Mills.




I'll get millions out of this!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 23, 2010, 02:39:12 PM
Do you think this termite hill will provide enough for the whole colony?


Discretion is the better part of valour, you plonker!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 23, 2010, 11:55:35 PM
So what if I told my friends about those two moles on your derriere?

New answer: Living like a refugee.



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 24, 2010, 12:52:15 AM
What was the title of that song by Tom Petty?



My damn nose was clogged full of the stuff and then I had to fix the other thing.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 24, 2010, 10:56:35 PM
What was wrong with the vanilla pudding?

new answer:  babies
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 25, 2010, 10:16:17 PM
What's the other name for those small, squealing parasites that really annoy you?



New answer: four square, three heavy and eighteen light
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on October 26, 2010, 12:00:32 AM
What were the beauties in the pageant like.



Ugh go away you little cretin.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 26, 2010, 02:51:50 AM
What phrase is acceptable in the UK, and I guess from the above Oz, but likely to get you in trouble in America.

New answer: I changed the word cretin to Belgian on the back cover of my book and everyone was happy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 26, 2010, 10:52:02 AM
So, how did you manage to appease the politically correct faction by using what I imagine is usually quite a xenophobic term?



Xenophobes you idiot!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 26, 2010, 09:43:42 PM
What do you call microbes from foreign countries?

New answer: The 27th letter of the alphabet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Story on October 26, 2010, 11:06:34 PM
 "  "


She has a limp.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 27, 2010, 08:54:11 AM
[In the dentist's reception area] :What I was asking is what is that 'loody great thing hovering a'ove her house, it's an a'omination!




 As for that damned drain well...after your little escapade you know what you can do there.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 27, 2010, 08:10:34 PM
That's not a drain. That's a frog hole and no, I wasn't kissing her. I was just...um, smelling her perfume. Yeah, that's it cos I was thinkin'...um, you might like some.

New answer: Two cubits by six cubits by something else.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 27, 2010, 10:45:02 PM
How big did you want that hole?

new ans:  melted plastic
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on October 27, 2010, 11:09:27 PM
Why the synthetic human race became extinct .Because of the result of friction when mating, which was?



Polymer Gel.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 28, 2010, 02:44:08 PM
Can you speak Arabic?




My tights won't be used for that!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 28, 2010, 02:51:01 PM
Do your tights light up at night?

new answer:  soft caresses
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 29, 2010, 02:16:17 AM
What did Mike Tyson give you?

New answer: I attached a donkey to him using a thine rope.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 29, 2010, 03:22:55 AM
Sorry was that 'twine' rope I didn't hear quite clearly?



Bloody typos and smart arses!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 29, 2010, 05:04:59 AM
What do you keep in your pants?

New answer: The turtle was down to a funky groove.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 29, 2010, 10:35:53 AM
I just saw your turtle...was he having an epileptic fit?

New answer: Spontaneous combustion.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 29, 2010, 02:12:58 PM
So Mr Usa, when the police arrived and caught you roasting chestnuts on your mother-in-law, your explanation was what?

New answer: I'd just spent six hundred quid on new glasses, 80 quid getting my teeth polished, and a pound in Oxfam.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 29, 2010, 05:36:11 PM
Why were you upset when your blind date walked out on you?

new answer:  nothing like your mother
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 29, 2010, 06:17:50 PM
How's that new hottie girlfriend of yours, Dad?

New answer: A tuna fish sandwich on rye.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on October 29, 2010, 09:12:32 PM
What's on the reduced counter nearing its sell-by date?




Iron the ruffles after you've done the collar and the sleeves.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 29, 2010, 09:28:41 PM
How should I prepare your blouses?

new answer:  his girlfriend and his wife
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 30, 2010, 03:09:34 AM
Who did he boff after the goat?

New answer: Because it's not possible to swim in a pool of lentils.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 30, 2010, 11:35:18 AM
Why did he dive into the clam chowder?

new answer:  first her breasts
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 01, 2010, 04:48:41 PM
It's going to take a lot of work, the list of surgical procedures is extensive, so as  you're paying, where do you think we should start?




Roll it in mud to seal it then put it over smouldering coals.




Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 02, 2010, 11:41:44 AM
Exactly what do you want to do with that excess skin?


new answer:  mailed it to her mother
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 03, 2010, 01:08:31 PM
So what did the trollop do with the spare dildo?



It's unbelievably tasty
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 03, 2010, 04:21:35 PM
What did you think of the new male pheremone?   ::)

new answer:  Momma didn't lie.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 03, 2010, 05:01:57 PM
How many smarties did you shove up your bum?




I didn't know they would melt.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 03, 2010, 06:11:34 PM
I told you not to clean your dentures in acid!

New answer: The executioner said it would be okay.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 03, 2010, 06:40:05 PM
For what damn reason did you think that having a practice on the spectators would be a good idea?



You know your father.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 03, 2010, 07:59:16 PM
Why oh why is there a peanut in the dog's arsehole?

New answer: Flatulence mainly.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 03, 2010, 09:40:34 PM
Why oh why is there a peanut in the dog's arsehole?
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D   I have a dog.


Q= What do you think of when people mention Xmas dinner?


New answer: Simply irresistible
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 03, 2010, 10:00:10 PM
What did you think of Lady Godiva's ride?

new ans:   battle weary
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 03, 2010, 10:03:02 PM
But he was a kamikaze pilot, why did he choose this way to die?




Plastic bin bags cause all the problems.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 04, 2010, 04:07:07 AM
Why has there been a decrease in the sale of inflatable sex toys?

New answer: I though that would be a good place to shelter.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 04, 2010, 09:19:05 AM
It's only thunder, what the hell are you doing under Lady Matchett's ballgown?



Never, never again, not if I can help it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on November 04, 2010, 10:34:50 AM
Will I vote tory?



OH it's nice but the frills are offputting.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 04, 2010, 01:11:40 PM
What do you think of John Wayne Bobbitt's cock?

New answer: It may look harmless but you should smell it!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 04, 2010, 02:48:29 PM
What do you think of the recent GOP wins in the American elections?

new answer:  cross-your-heart bras
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 04, 2010, 04:44:49 PM
Herron, if there was one type of clothing you could not live without, what would that be?

New answer: I went to see my Aunty Roger.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 04, 2010, 05:14:55 PM
In love again, Mark?


new answer:  it's in style
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 04, 2010, 07:41:24 PM
What's with the diamond encrusted tagnut?

New answer: He had one eye, one leg, and an itchy left nipple.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 04, 2010, 08:11:50 PM
Was the marathon a little more than he expected?



A large frangipani tree housed a colony of bull ants.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 05, 2010, 03:58:19 AM
What do you want for your birthday?

New answer: The baby eating bishop of Bath & Wells.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 05, 2010, 08:23:35 AM
Who's your candidate for the Minister of Education's position?



Crackers, tinsel and a well-trained guard dog.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 05, 2010, 01:13:23 PM
What did the anorexic skinhead want for Christmas?


new answer:   great legs
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 05, 2010, 03:39:54 PM
Poised to take notes at the poolside meeting the CEO's scretary asked, "What's next on the agenda?"


That's the difference between Smeg and smegma.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 05, 2010, 07:27:47 PM
What would be a good trivia question for a celebrity chef with personal hygiene problems and a penchant for the catchphrases of the sitcom Red Dwarf.

New answer: Chianti, lava beans, roasted sparrow and brain flambé.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 05, 2010, 07:39:13 PM
What famous movie dinner dish might be served that lacks the letters...g..j..k..q..u..x..y and z but contains all the others?



An ashtray full of pot pourri.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 05, 2010, 11:48:31 PM
What do you keep handy to mask the smell of your stash?


new answer:   wonderful medicine
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on November 06, 2010, 07:48:05 AM
What is in your stash?




Oooo do I have to!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 06, 2010, 07:50:24 AM
Your tax returns?



The lion sleeps tonight.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 06, 2010, 04:52:38 PM
Why is it a good time to romance the lioness?


new answer:  white thighs
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 07, 2010, 07:11:48 AM
What goes well with black buttocks and a purple merkin?

New answer: He never flosses his teeth that boy!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 07, 2010, 06:58:38 PM
Why do women totally reject him?

new answer:  shaved
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 07, 2010, 07:48:00 PM
Clean?




It's for exfoliating.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 08, 2010, 01:42:40 AM
Why does the bishop have that large Brillo pad?

new ans:  whenever she pleases
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 08, 2010, 07:55:46 AM
I've been hanging here so long, she hasn't forgotten about me, has she, when will she be back?




Suspenders are just for suspense.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 08, 2010, 11:35:40 PM
Why is your neighbor standing nude on the lawn dressed only in his suspenders?

new answer:  grapevines and omelets
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 09, 2010, 04:15:38 AM
Is there anything you would not rub your crotch against?

New answer: Well it was a very blunt pencil!


Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 09, 2010, 10:27:08 AM
Why are you sitting on your pencil?

new answer:  Julius Ceasar
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 09, 2010, 10:30:51 AM
Aw, you're killing me man, ha, ha ha... such a sense of humour, but do you know who you're talking to?


But there's so many gritty bits in the bed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 09, 2010, 10:38:33 AM
Why won't you lay down?


new answer:  galloping stallions
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 09, 2010, 06:18:22 PM
Shit! What happened to your face?

New answer: Verisimilitude.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 09, 2010, 08:47:14 PM
Why does that awful zombie movie seem so much like your life?

new answer:  when potatoes peel
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 10, 2010, 10:30:05 AM
When is the right time to tell that old joke about mashed potato and pea soup?

New answer: She smells like a skunk and I like it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 10, 2010, 11:49:42 AM
She looks like a skank, do you still stand by what you said?



Monopoly players
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 12, 2010, 01:49:02 PM
Other than religious fanatics, who are the worst people to spend a lot of time with?

new answer:   better late than never
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 12, 2010, 02:32:18 PM
Well it's been a while but the little blue pill seems to have rid me of my premature ejaculation too, how was it for you?



Oh God!



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 12, 2010, 03:23:38 PM
Don't tell me I can't do it again already!   ::)


new answer:  get what you pay for
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 12, 2010, 04:25:16 PM
So this is genuine Chanel?




Pirates should be burned for their sea-crimes.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 12, 2010, 07:57:48 PM
Do you think we should have a scorched-earth policy in Somalia?


New answer: The Twinkie defense.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 12, 2010, 11:22:58 PM
Okay, so how is Malibu Barbie going to get out of this one?




What lurks beneath
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on November 13, 2010, 09:48:43 PM
What's the best thing about working the sewers?



Well i'd take two painkillers and see a doctor for that!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 13, 2010, 09:54:58 PM
Aw mate, me flaming ball bag got caught in the machinery and I've got blood running down my leg...what do you think I should do?



Take a deep breath and close your eyes.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on November 13, 2010, 10:17:44 PM
Whats the best way of getting me ball unstuck?





Your going to what?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 13, 2010, 10:51:26 PM
It'll be all right, just lift your leg and hold on to the shelf. I've done this before, it always works. One quick slice and you'll be fine. Are you ready?




I coped okay with the back and the crack wax but I couldn't give over my sack.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 14, 2010, 04:47:41 AM
What a lovely hairless back you have my dear, but why are there long straggly hairs hanging down from your French knickers?

That was the only way I could remember my PIN.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 14, 2010, 09:31:34 AM
Why are your fingers numbered?

New answer: Hazardous horizontal hoopla.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 14, 2010, 01:41:28 PM
So what else isn't covered by my insurance policy?





Plane the bottom of the door.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 17, 2010, 10:34:31 PM
How come there's no room to slip my apology note to you?

New answer: Lima beans, usually.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 17, 2010, 10:37:44 PM
What causes flatulence for you?



A bloodhound missile
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on November 18, 2010, 06:37:16 AM
Yes Sergeant I know we are low on ammo , waht have we got left?




At last count fifteenn , I think...
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 18, 2010, 12:58:01 PM
How far have we managed to whittle the shortlist for interviewing the next lead spokesperson for 'Fogies With Attitude'?



Unlikely opposition to Fogies With Attitude
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 18, 2010, 08:34:31 PM
Since Sio is now playing the wrong game, could there be a backlash against old fogies?

New answer: Yesterday in Ypsilanti.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 18, 2010, 08:43:21 PM
Since Sio is now playing the wrong game, could there be a backlash against old fogies?

New answer: Yesterday in Ypsilanti.
Since Sio is now playing the wrong game, could there be a backlash against old fogies?

New answer: Yesterday in Ypsilanti.

Deliberate irony for the fogey-ness..too slow don, too slow. [That was nearly a good cover up lie, wasn't it?] :D

What took you so long, who were you with, why were you gone on a Wednesday, the bins should have been put out last night for the garbage collection this morning and where were you yesterday and the day before?



NEW ANSWER Neat capitals
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 18, 2010, 08:53:26 PM
What would you say if they actually cleaned up Washington, London and Sydney?

new answer:  hair follicles
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 18, 2010, 11:14:04 PM
Skates are to the Ice Follies as a comb is to... ?

New answer:  My beaver collection.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 18, 2010, 11:27:32 PM
Would you be willing to split?


Tomorrow tomatoes will take their place.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on November 19, 2010, 03:18:12 PM
What was the director of the Killer tomatoes last statement before he was committed?



Juicy big red and ripe.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 19, 2010, 03:50:51 PM
How would you describe an Englishman in Tuscany?

New answer: If you have nothing else, use butter.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 19, 2010, 06:55:57 PM
How can I get the thingy out of the whatsit in the whatdyamacalit if I can't find the dooberry effort?


Suck it and see
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 19, 2010, 11:51:25 PM
D'ya think this beer's skunky?

New answer: The Hallelujah brigade.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 20, 2010, 04:12:05 AM
Which unit is next on the list for Afghanistan?

New answer: I hid it in a jar of pennies.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 20, 2010, 12:39:16 PM
What did you do with the strawberry jam?


New answer:  Who's pregnant?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 20, 2010, 05:13:10 PM
Don't you know, we're expected soon?




Pork crackling
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 20, 2010, 10:16:04 PM
The sound associated with overworked pig farmers.

New answer:  DNA tests
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 21, 2010, 09:20:20 AM
How did you discover you were a lizard?

New answer: It exploded.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 21, 2010, 12:54:41 PM
Pleased with the result on the installation of the new super efficient, bells and whistles photo-copier?



Xeroxes and telexes were so good.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 21, 2010, 03:42:52 PM
What was your favorite way to send those images of your tush?

new answer:  all night long
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 25, 2010, 09:41:35 AM
Oh, sorry. Fell asleep waiting for the SPAM MESSAGE to kick in. Were you waiting for me?

[for those who see the words "spam message" in the above line, the missing word is a pill whose name starts with the letter V. I'll have to look into this.]


New answer: Incidental contact.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 25, 2010, 10:19:33 AM
How the stalker justified his actions.


new question:  where have all the flowers gone
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 25, 2010, 02:52:15 PM
What do you reckon could be the problem with the rivers and lakes drying up, any thoughts?



I meant numbers
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 27, 2010, 12:35:59 PM
Is you bottom numb yet?

New answer. Of course you don't get wafers with it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 27, 2010, 12:39:32 PM
If I scream and I scream and I scream will that give the waiter a hint?




I was only doing a When Harry Met Sally!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 27, 2010, 12:44:03 PM
Is that beard really necessary?

New answer: I fell out of the barrel.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 27, 2010, 12:48:39 PM
You useless idiot - you've compromised the whole operation, how did the drug barons notice you?



The DEA were on to me from the start.


Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 29, 2010, 10:13:00 AM
Why did you stop smuggling paracetamol into the Isle of Wight.

New answer: I tried to use my Swiss Army knife.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 29, 2010, 01:01:11 PM
Well that's a complete cock-up - the door lock is now permanently knackered, what's wrong with being like normal folk and using the key?




All the colours bled.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 29, 2010, 01:42:13 PM
What happened when you stabbed the painting?

New answer: It's not easy having sex inside a Dalek!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 29, 2010, 04:36:17 PM
What the hell is that crumpled mess of metal on the floor?



Dr Who
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 29, 2010, 05:10:37 PM
Who is the only person to have had carnal knowledge of a cyberman?

New answer: Our motto is: lubrication, lubrication, lubrication.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 29, 2010, 09:16:59 PM
Does you new discount bordello have a motto?

New answer: diplomatic channels.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 29, 2010, 09:19:06 PM
What do you call the porn stations featuring Congressmen?


Who is the most prominent legislator on the Diplomatic  ::) Channel?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 30, 2010, 03:11:16 AM
Hank cheesy-smile McWallet-Emptier.

New answer: He dried them on the windowsill, then crushed them and made a tasty (and hallucinogenic) infusion.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 30, 2010, 06:05:07 PM
What did Hank cheesy-smile McWallet-Emptier do with some used hand towels?

New answer: In the rain at dusk.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 30, 2010, 06:25:29 PM
When's the best time to run naked thought the streets of Cleobury Mortimer?

New answer: Flippers!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 30, 2010, 07:21:02 PM
What do you call McDonalds employees?

New answer: Cheese balls.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 30, 2010, 08:56:46 PM
What malady affected Mr. Kraft?

new answer:  She kept them in gauze under her pillow
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on November 30, 2010, 11:19:00 PM
How did preserve her husband's sperm?


Tastes like raspberry ruffles - if you have your eyes closed



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 01, 2010, 03:40:13 AM
I see Roger has sprained his tongue again and is complaining that he has a fur-ball; what on Earth did you tell him this time?

New answer: I was trying to make pop tarts.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 01, 2010, 06:05:29 AM
A young lady of questionable repute says you tried to stuff her into a toaster?

New answer: A new can of 3-in-1 oil.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 01, 2010, 07:20:17 AM
What was prominently placed on the old woman's nightstand?

New answer: fuzzy socks striped in many colors
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 01, 2010, 07:44:45 AM
What did you buy your zebra for Christmas?

New answer: There were icicles on her beard.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 01, 2010, 02:07:14 PM
Did you really give that girl the cold shoulder?

New answer: Paternt leather pants.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 01, 2010, 02:14:26 PM
What did that bloke with the speech impediment say?

New answer: You can kill someone with a seedless grape.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 01, 2010, 03:11:07 PM
If we had to think of a weapon the police wouldn't suspect, what do you think we might be able to use?




It's only the cover art for the book
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 01, 2010, 03:39:19 PM
What are you doing with that potato?

New answer: Well plug it in then!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 01, 2010, 04:58:20 PM
I've tried everything and can't get this dildo to work. Do you have any suggestions?

new answer: forty seven percent
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 02, 2010, 12:36:16 AM
So if we think about how much we can increase the blood flow and the muscle mass - as a ball park figure, what do you estimate this latest inclusion into the blue pill will add to the overall expansion?



Unlikely 'thing' to have blueprint plans



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 02, 2010, 04:42:09 AM
I've tried everything and can't get this dildo to work. Do you have any suggestions?

Wow! A mains powered dildo!!! For those evenings when 9 volts is just not enough. AND even the thought of such a device has sent Siobhan into such a state she's playing the wrong game.

New answer: The clockwork one disintegrated.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 02, 2010, 06:21:07 AM
Why are you using that antiquated writing utensil?

Wow! A mains powered dildo!!! For those evenings when 9 volts is just not enough. AND even the thought of such a device has sent Siobhan into such a state she's playing the wrong game.


Lust can do that to a person

new answer: orange velvet suspenders decorated with puce lace
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 02, 2010, 01:02:25 PM
Caught out - the excitement was overwhelming!

What is the latest addition to the new corporate uniform for front of house employees, be creative...I want something eye-catching that sends a strong brand image but remember we have to use house colours?


I only had a minute left   [Right game now - I've recovered]


Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 02, 2010, 04:31:30 PM
Why couldn't you finish writing your epic novel when you are already on page seven?

new answer: eels and flying fish
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 02, 2010, 04:53:58 PM
You thought that would be an appropriate addition to the seafood platter?



Pumpkin soup and hot crusty bread.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 02, 2010, 06:23:59 PM
What are two things you wouldn't order off the vegan menu?

New answer: Marsupial footprints.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 02, 2010, 06:28:42 PM
If it's not Bigfoot or a Bunyip, what the hell is that spoor?


Eau de leger
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 03, 2010, 03:04:31 AM
Pumpkin soup and hot crusty bread.
Try the recipe in this story: http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=9887.msg96029#msg96029

What's the name of the new fragrance from Ernst & Young?

New answer: He was covered in pustules and smelled of banana.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 03, 2010, 03:06:30 AM
Did cousin Mikey enjoy staying in yer brother's room?


phone tappers
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 03, 2010, 04:41:54 AM
Who else is allowed in the phone shunters club?

New answer: I had no idea you were that old!

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 03, 2010, 06:05:32 AM
Who else is allowed in the phone shunters club?

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

If can remember just back to when keyhole back, psychedelic kaftans were all the rage I could probably find my classic LPs and play them at 16 so that I can keep up with the beat - have you seen them anywhere love. they should be near the gramophone?




Mellow yellow, green tambourine, purple haze, tangerine skies, strawberry fields
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 03, 2010, 06:39:15 AM
What colour are your eyes?

New answer: That's why they call him brown-finger.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 03, 2010, 02:56:01 PM
Why does he dabble in so many different things, he need to settle down and decide what way he's going to go, he's got his finger in too many pies - don't you agree?


Tantalus expectorant
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 04, 2010, 11:24:47 AM
What's the antidote in case I accidently swallow?

New answer: Acid rain.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 04, 2010, 11:29:47 AM
So - the gig is going great but we want headlines, any suggestions for dowsing the crowd where the effects will still be trippy but under our control?



He's not a horseman of the Apocalypse as far as I know.





Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 04, 2010, 12:55:42 PM
First Pestilence, then War, then Famine, then Death, now sodding Yamrus!

New answer: I use it as lip balm.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 04, 2010, 02:46:12 PM
Why such a large order of polar bear mucous?

new answer:  refrigeration
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 04, 2010, 04:07:59 PM
How can I hold back?


Spare tyre and monkey wrench
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 05, 2010, 04:24:12 AM
Name two things you keep in your handbag that your rarely use.

New answer: On her bottom she had a tattoo which read: Return to HMS ark Royal.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 05, 2010, 05:31:56 AM
You turned her over to the Naval authorities?

New answer: I'll go just the way I'm dressed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 05, 2010, 06:29:08 AM
Shall we keep that hat for your cremation?

New answer: I was wearing earphones and didn't here her screaming.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 05, 2010, 07:39:38 AM
Is it true, as your wife claims, that you sat and did nothing while she was attacked?

New answer: This is some of the finest porcelain on the market.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 05, 2010, 10:32:30 AM
It looks like cocaine, did you think a couple of Meissen figurines on the shelf and a potter's wheel would fool us?


I stand by my statement.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 05, 2010, 12:19:46 PM
Will you retract your assertion that The Man Who Wore Brown Shoes is the best book of poetry since Bristle side Down?

New answer: All the girls at the police station are fans.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 05, 2010, 01:06:49 PM
Why was the rapper constantly getting arrested?

new answer:  music hating SOB
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 08, 2010, 09:18:55 PM
Who's in charge of the Ricky Martin fan club?

New answer: Testosterone-fueled Turbocharger.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 09, 2010, 06:49:41 AM
How do you power a Lamborghini?


cookies and milk
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 10, 2010, 09:23:50 AM
What are we going to set our for Santa and his reindeer..there are no carrots or sherry left?


Yule log if you like.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 10, 2010, 07:03:04 PM
What should I call my Christmas diary?

New answer: The gender wasn't specified.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 10, 2010, 07:23:51 PM
So - the ultrasound was able to tell you what sex the baby is?




That's where all the old adverbs live now.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 10, 2010, 08:19:58 PM
What's this place on the map, Derrygonnelly?

New answer: It was in one piece when I saw it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 11, 2010, 05:57:15 AM
Did you see my new Waterford vase?

new answer: You seem nervous.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 11, 2010, 08:05:15 AM
Waterford you say? Er...um, I don't recall seeing it. What color was it?

New answer: Forty lashes with a wet noodle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 11, 2010, 11:23:04 AM
If..um..er..the Waterford somehow shattered, just out of casual interest ...what would the penalty be?




An artist's palette and a badger hair brush.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on December 11, 2010, 11:48:19 AM
If you were to mate Ken Done and Sir Bary Humphries ..What would you get.?




Twice the length of the grand canyon..!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 11, 2010, 02:20:55 PM
How much tripe is spouted by politicians every morning?


new answer:  Ken and Barbie on steroids.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 12, 2010, 03:58:10 AM
If you could have a threesome, who'd be your ideal partners?

New answer: I stood under a shower of golden rain.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 12, 2010, 07:55:04 AM
What was the title of the Best Poem of the Year from the Poet Laureate of the Anthill Next to the Fire Hydrant?

new answer: orange trousers with a hole in the pocket
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 12, 2010, 05:36:14 PM
Why did the orange grower lose his crop?

new answer:  Chicken of the Sea
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 13, 2010, 08:40:29 AM
What was the gang name of the old, toothless shark?


New answer: fluoride and mint
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 13, 2010, 10:07:08 AM
Which is your favourite Ben and Jerry's?

New answer: That's why they call me Mr Gummy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 13, 2010, 11:47:30 AM
What did Pee Wee Herman say after his arrest at the porn theater?

New answer: scrap paper with ink smudges
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 13, 2010, 12:04:20 PM
What did you produce to get your degree in modern art?

New answer: I wanted to get into politics.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 14, 2010, 06:21:39 PM
Why did you go dogging?


I needed a friend to help me.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 14, 2010, 06:41:44 PM
Why didn't you take your wellingtons off when you went dogging?

New answer: Ah, those were the days.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 14, 2010, 06:54:50 PM
Do you remember Mary Hopkin?



Clodagh Rodgers had one.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 15, 2010, 05:07:33 AM
Did you realise that some people have a third testicle?

New answer: A prolapsed eyeball.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 15, 2010, 07:54:35 AM
Why did the Cyclops fall into the abyss?


new answer: fortitude and strength
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 15, 2010, 10:22:26 AM
Name two attributes needed by any husband.

New answer: Pink and fluffy, but slightly salty.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 15, 2010, 12:02:14 PM
Cotton Candy Margarita


new answer:  The Queen Mum
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 16, 2010, 06:57:37 PM
So who did your tattoo?

New answer: I may be ugly, but in the morning I'll be pretty and you'll still be pissed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 17, 2010, 06:20:17 PM
What did your tattoo say?


New answer: long underwear and a top hat
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 17, 2010, 10:16:14 PM
What's the proper attire for a formal State function?

new answer:  Banana cream pie and vicodin
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 18, 2010, 05:35:59 AM
What did Soupy Sales love the most about his job?


new answer: pink flamingos
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 18, 2010, 07:21:10 AM
Is there anything you wouldn't shag?

New answer: I assumed it was meant to look like that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 18, 2010, 09:46:31 AM
It looks like a chihuahua on steroids. Why did you shave my St. Bernard?

New answer: You'll need at least two chile peppers.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 18, 2010, 09:56:10 AM
Where can I get the seeds from 2 chillies?

New answer: He kept his spare eyeball in his pocket and it used to freak me out.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 18, 2010, 10:00:18 AM
Why did you stop taking pickpocket lessons from Luigi?

New answer: It's not good place to keep extra ammunition.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 18, 2010, 03:51:39 PM
Look the suit is skintight lycra, there's no space for anything extra...what if he puts it in his ear?



New answer: Only when the middle has set.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 19, 2010, 06:58:48 AM
How do you know when the pan of venison pie is ready to serve your Christmas Eve guests?


new answer: fear and loathing
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 19, 2010, 03:07:03 PM
Oh I think it's so glitzy and glamorous, what do you think about when somebody mentions Las Vegas?



New answer: That's quite educational but it's not the issue.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 19, 2010, 04:13:57 PM
There a small bit of newspaper stuck to your bum.

New answer: I thought he said funk.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 19, 2010, 04:19:43 PM
We're supposed to be moving this trunk, why are you dancing?

New Answer: Tuesday night.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 19, 2010, 04:26:29 PM
When are you next going out cat strangling?

New answer: I only had one flipper and the band kept playing that Queen song about fat bottomed girls.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 19, 2010, 08:20:10 PM
What was that awful dream you kept having?


new answer:  it's what you get when you cross a fat-bottomed girl with a hot rod Lincoln
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 19, 2010, 09:21:06 PM
Oh Jesus H...what the hell have you done to the poor girl, this will get a jail sentence?


new answer: Sniff it and see
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 19, 2010, 10:32:15 PM
Is that you or your beer that smells skunky?

New answer: A little paint and no one will ever know.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 20, 2010, 03:09:50 AM
You've left my mother-in-law out in the sun and she faded!

New answer: I plugged the USB drive into her bottom.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 20, 2010, 12:27:13 PM
Why did your mother's upper denture fall out?


new ans:  It was the highway's fault, not mine.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 20, 2010, 04:02:00 PM
Why did you leave your skid marks all over the place?

New answer: He was almost certainly a Christian Terrorist.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 20, 2010, 05:16:07 PM
Okay - we've gotta face the media with a statement over the bombing of the bar in Belfast...how sure are we about who's behind it?


new answer: corrugated with pinking shears
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 20, 2010, 10:59:58 PM
What kind of haircut is that?


new answer:  marmalade and laundry bleach
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 21, 2010, 05:56:44 AM
So laddie, what's your most effective aphrodisiac?

New answer: I saw a heron eating a snail off a silver plate and took it to be a portentous, yet somewhat pretentious, sign: and that's why I shot the robin.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 21, 2010, 01:30:03 PM
Did you know herron despised escargot?


new answer: a snowman dressed in lingerie
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 21, 2010, 02:52:08 PM
What would you like for Christmas, Mrs Chick?

New answer: No no, you don't understand, Mono Touch is a type of programming language!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 21, 2010, 04:22:48 PM
Were you asking for a hand job?


new answer: jock straps on the bedpost
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 21, 2010, 05:40:31 PM
Okay - how do you differentiate between your conquests?



new answer: Tie it tightly and wait until he goes red in the face.




Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 21, 2010, 06:19:01 PM
What was the first thing they taught you at that penis puppetry class you're attending?

New answer. I gave her a Cuban cigar.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 21, 2010, 08:02:31 PM
Just because you're clever with euphemisms doesn't mean you'll get off with this, what exactly did you do?

new answer: The blood dripping from the edges.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 21, 2010, 11:21:03 PM
What's that coming out of your ear?

New Answer: Sellotape, The Daily Mail, and Boris Johnson.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 22, 2010, 03:17:31 AM
What are the last 3 things you used to wipe your bottom?

New answer: Everything you wanted to know about poetry but were afraid to ask.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 22, 2010, 03:24:39 AM
What's meter?

New Answer: The last scone.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 22, 2010, 03:27:34 AM
What's Vince Cable's nickname?

New answer: He was kinda funny lookin.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 22, 2010, 03:30:30 AM
Can you describe the poet that broke into your house and scribbled all over the walls?

New Answer: hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 22, 2010, 01:22:44 PM
If I keep this short will you be able to cope?



new answer: A puff on a cigarette was all she needed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 22, 2010, 05:34:09 PM
Why didn't the prostitute want to accept payment.


new answer:  she hadn't any knickers
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 22, 2010, 05:57:42 PM
Is it true she likes the feel of the wind blowing through her hair, or is there some other reason she goes commando?

New answer: It's an iPhone you fool!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 22, 2010, 07:30:00 PM
Why can't I get any x-rays from this damn thing?


new answer:  the gentleman was no gentleman
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 24, 2010, 12:10:41 AM
You mean he took licentious license with her?

New answer: A date with Puxatawny Phil.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 24, 2010, 03:59:13 AM
Don, after years of groundhog fancying, what's you ultimate aim?

New answer: As a Christmas gift, she trimmed one half of her bush and let the other grow wild.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 24, 2010, 01:43:22 PM
What did the senior citizen next door do to entice you?


new ans:  wild gnus and Angelina Jolie
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 24, 2010, 02:40:47 PM
What really guarantees bringing out the beast in you?


new answer: Super glue and a plunger
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 24, 2010, 04:00:56 PM
What do you need for some really kinky sex?


new ans:   buffalo lips
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 24, 2010, 09:02:24 PM
What's the latest food craze where you are?

New answer: It's probably just a grape juice stain.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 24, 2010, 10:18:02 PM
Is that blood on your jockey shorts?

new answer:  shrimp dip
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 25, 2010, 12:43:48 AM
What do you call boffing a dwarf?

New answer: My dog, two pigs and a goat.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 25, 2010, 07:50:08 AM
What did you give Siobhan on the third day of Christmas?

New answer: A wombat in a pear tree.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 25, 2010, 12:15:39 PM
What was the inspiration for the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas"?


new answer:  The fourth Wise Man from the Orient.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 25, 2010, 12:24:06 PM
Gold, frankincense, myrrh, fair enough, but who gave Him a book on prestidigitation?

New answer: To stop him biting his nails.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 25, 2010, 03:15:26 PM
Why did they wrap Tutankahmen that way?

new ans:  the Philistines
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 25, 2010, 05:10:09 PM
Who rules the World?

New answer: Elbow patches on his pyjama jacket.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 25, 2010, 08:16:30 PM
How do you tell if your neighbor is a Republican?


new ans:  willow trees
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 26, 2010, 04:29:55 AM
What does a zombie's bush look like?

New answer: On Salisbury Plain, near a pub called The Bustard.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 26, 2010, 03:58:41 PM
Where are they building the new nuclear plant?



New Answer: It was only stuffing.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on December 28, 2010, 01:19:16 PM
Where they real , or fake ones.?





Well its red , swollen and smells nasty.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 28, 2010, 01:24:31 PM
What the hell is that you brought for lunch?

New answer: Only the blue ones.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 28, 2010, 03:00:39 PM
Are you having your testicles varnished?

New answer: She does exactly what it says on the box.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 28, 2010, 07:03:04 PM
Does J-Ho need much inflation to get the orifices tight?





Down the corridor lined with marble swans.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 29, 2010, 04:53:09 AM
Where's the best place to play frisbee?

New answer: At first I was confused, but then I realised her spectacles had no lenses.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 29, 2010, 09:48:46 AM
Did you think you had magic, 'eye poking' powers or were you just curious?



Yeah - a yellow submarine!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 29, 2010, 11:03:22 AM
You got a new boat? Cool. Whadya get?

New answer: I didn't anticipate this much blood.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 29, 2010, 11:25:38 AM
Why exactly, are you trying to stick her head back on with a plaster?

New answer: He claims he is a stone mason.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 29, 2010, 01:01:59 PM
Why is your father always stoned?


new ans:  nubile young thing
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 29, 2010, 04:13:26 PM
Your Christmas present hasn't arrived yet...what did you send me?


New answer: She was selling tattoos at a Turkish bath house.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 29, 2010, 04:17:06 PM
Where did Grandpa meet Grandma?




My dentures don't fit...
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 29, 2010, 04:24:26 PM
Why is 69 out of the question?

New answer: The piglet had glitter on the end of its nose.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 29, 2010, 04:31:21 PM
Did Pooh become a star or something?



Rugby balls are oval shaped
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 29, 2010, 04:44:04 PM
Ooh, sorry I grabbed the wrong one. Still, a ball is a ball, ain't it?


New answer: She a cash-and-carry kind of girl.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 29, 2010, 05:06:48 PM
I got confused over the whole 'fanny pack' thing but keeping money safe is important, is she independent or doe she have a pimp?




I don't live here any more.






Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 29, 2010, 06:15:16 PM
Madam, we are here to clean your carpets, may we come in?


New answer: Because of his awful limp.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 29, 2010, 06:22:27 PM
Why do they think he is exceptionally well-endowed?




Just gloating.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 29, 2010, 06:33:34 PM
What will you mostly be doing at your ex-husband's wedding reception?


A headache, a really bad headache.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 29, 2010, 06:54:50 PM
A battle axe?



An AK47 and spaghetti hoops
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 30, 2010, 06:07:25 AM
What did you find in Herron's briefcase?

New answer: A new cocktail made from orange juice, vodka, aspirin and larger.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 30, 2010, 07:54:32 AM
What the hell is an Amstel screwdriver?

New answer: I left her sitting at the bar.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on December 30, 2010, 10:17:15 AM
Where is your AA counsellor?



The car wouldn't start.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 30, 2010, 11:26:31 AM
Why is mother walking to the emergency room?


new ans:  She's ambidextrous
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 30, 2010, 12:43:22 PM
Why did your wife become a two-fisted drinker?

New answer: Sorry, we're all out of lemons.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 30, 2010, 03:20:51 PM
Please can I rent a Citroen?

New answer: She was his proxy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 30, 2010, 08:43:22 PM
Why are you flirting with your computer?

New answer: Fast food and cheap scotch.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 31, 2010, 05:24:34 AM
Can you name two things that smell like a plumbers armpit?

New answer: She spoke only Esperanto and that gave me hope.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 31, 2010, 07:27:41 AM
How do you know she said yes when you offered to jump her?

New answer: There's an oil slick on the living room floor.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 31, 2010, 07:36:24 AM
So inspector, do you have any clues regarding Jock's missing chip pan?

New answer: He escaped dressed as a dalek.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 31, 2010, 10:08:32 AM
How did eric get out of Pasadena alive? Those folks were out for blood.

New Answer: Happy New... wait for it... Car Smell.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 31, 2010, 01:41:00 PM
Did Ollie get somethng for Christmas he didn't tell us about?

New answer: That's what was left over when I got it back together.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 31, 2010, 01:48:09 PM
What's that nipple for?

New answer: He wore one Nike shoe and one wellington boot.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 01, 2011, 09:45:25 AM
What do the footprint casts reveal?




a fondant filling - I think
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 01, 2011, 10:40:40 AM
What's that dripping down your chin?

New answer: Well, I saw it there a minute ago.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 01, 2011, 10:49:54 AM
Aw - Joe - where did that beautiful erection go?





my arthritis kind of cramps my style
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 01, 2011, 01:25:46 PM
Why did you let that erection get away?


new ans:  used for practical purposes
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 01, 2011, 05:48:07 PM
What's the theory manual for?




it goes at the speed of sound
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 01, 2011, 10:21:30 PM
That was an orgasm?

New answer: I think if you freeze it, it might come loose.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 01, 2011, 10:40:53 PM
You bastard - I've got chewing gum stuck between my knickers and my muff - what the hell am I going to do now?


With the puppy on the beanbag
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 02, 2011, 04:11:48 AM
Where's Grandma's dildo?

New answer: It must have dropped out without her noticing.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 02, 2011, 04:15:37 AM
So you weren't expecting twins then?


clunk click every tick
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 02, 2011, 04:19:52 AM
What sound does the ageing bionic teacher make as she marks her pupils work, while doing advanced maths to try and work out how she will use up all that holiday?

New answer: At the bottom of the valley, there is a hut where they sell mugs of soup and bags of bread for the ducks.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 02, 2011, 04:23:34 AM
Why is the sky blue and why do the waterfowl here have strangely adapted feet for holding things?



We issue a credit note only, no refund unless faulty,
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 03, 2011, 09:22:34 PM
But Betsy Blow-up doesn't look real. Whaddya mean I can't get my money back?

New answer: I found it in the dishwasher.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 03, 2011, 09:26:22 PM
Have you seen my . . . er, um, my big, thick, rough-ridged pastry roller?



It must have gone through the dog flap.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 06, 2011, 01:01:19 PM
How did you get pregnant when I'm sure I was wearing a mac?

New answer: The VAT man stole my lunch.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 06, 2011, 01:11:07 PM

 :D :D :D :D Gross

What is in the grey suit's briefcase?



New answer: D'ya think so?

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 07, 2011, 02:45:18 PM
I fink you speaks real nice.

New answer: Two trailer park girls went round the outside.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 07, 2011, 07:40:20 PM
Did you notice where the buffalo went?


It was when they branded it on his scrotum.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 08, 2011, 06:17:15 AM
When did Nick Clegg realise he was a Tory?

New answer: She closed her legs too quickly.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 09, 2011, 01:02:18 PM
Jeez, why are you limping?

New answer: The girls with the beer will be here in ten minutes.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 09, 2011, 02:02:09 PM
Why are you warming that dildo in front of the fire?

New answer: The doctor said I should do it to stop the swelling.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 09, 2011, 04:01:37 PM
Did you just pour a bag of ice down the front of your pants?

New answer: Duct tape should be able to fix that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 09, 2011, 06:16:40 PM
I was making an omelette, and as I sliced the egg, the hatchet slipped and I chopped off my left thumb: what should I do?

New answer: I always keep a spare pair of pants in my duffle bag.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 09, 2011, 09:53:10 PM
Excuse me, sir, but are you aware your trousers are on fire?

New answer: I was done with it, so I left it there.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 09, 2011, 10:28:38 PM
Have you no shame, Sir?




It wouldn't let the cat light the cooker.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 09, 2011, 10:39:49 PM
Why do you have that pet gate around your stove?

New answer: They make a turbo-charged version of this.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 10, 2011, 08:04:44 AM
Do you make mopeds for men who have tiny penises?

New answer: I have a pet Frenchman called Guy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: GinaLeeJohns on January 10, 2011, 08:21:41 AM
Who painted that exquisite mural in your boudoir?


New answer: Peanut butter works every time.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 10, 2011, 09:26:46 AM
What do you use to mask the taste of French food?

New answer: I prefer smooth to crunchy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 10, 2011, 08:01:03 PM
What kind of filling would you like in your canoli?

New answer: I left it on auto-pilot so it should have been fine.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 10, 2011, 08:58:10 PM
Isn't the blow-up doll going to explode if you don't take out that electric pump?




Healthy eating was the end for him.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 10, 2011, 09:27:38 PM
He got caught muffin diving the boss's wife?

New answer: I've alway found it works better when you polish it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 11, 2011, 02:25:43 AM
Why do they call you Mr Sheen?

New answer: They only have three fingers.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 11, 2011, 08:34:19 PM
How do they choose the hosts for TV shows?




No, I couldn't face another one.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 11, 2011, 11:29:56 PM
Are you ready for the next contestant on Too Stupid To Live?

New answer: I only have two left.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 11, 2011, 11:33:14 PM
Will you be playing five-aside in the mutant scrotum smash 'em up next week?



Only once and never again -- never.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 12, 2011, 10:06:51 AM
Now that we're married, can we jump in bed?


New answer: It smells like fish for some strange reason.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 12, 2011, 02:41:28 PM
What's it like inside a Scotsman's head?

New answer: No, its just a very big eyebrow.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gregory B on January 12, 2011, 02:59:52 PM
Is that a fuzzy caterpillar crawling across your forehead?

New Answer: Only if we get a cut.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 12, 2011, 08:22:37 PM
Would you like a demonstration of my new Ginsu knives?


New answer: It's the blue one on the left.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 12, 2011, 09:33:53 PM
Which of these is the corpse?



I haven't ever done that with a power tool.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 16, 2011, 12:25:30 AM
Why can't you simply blend your margarita wit the electric drill?

New answer: Be careful... it's slippery.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 16, 2011, 03:52:56 AM
May I take you form behind?

New answer: Yes, but don't tell her sister.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 16, 2011, 08:01:46 AM
You're having an affair with the secretary you hired yesterday?


New answer: It was purple when I bought it but now it's just this weird green color.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 16, 2011, 04:16:31 PM
How are you getting on with your prosthetic cock?

New answer: He was the first monk to tonsure his pubes.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 16, 2011, 05:19:08 PM
What can you tell me about St. Basil the Sterile?

New answer: It tastes better with avacado.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 17, 2011, 06:22:17 PM
What have we learnt about American beer?

New answer: He used his ears as a template.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 17, 2011, 07:50:48 PM
Where did Prince Charles get the idea for those hideous medals?


new ans:  He had a great time.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 17, 2011, 11:25:09 PM
What did Tiger Woods say after he finished his sex obsession workshop?

New answer: It tastes better with chocolate syrup.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 18, 2011, 03:40:01 AM
What have we learnt about English beer?

New answer: It was incurable, but he didn't care.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 18, 2011, 11:24:15 AM
What did he learn about his worst enemy's ailment?


new ans:  he was stocking up on chocolate and condoms
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 18, 2011, 11:40:20 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

New answer: I'm a people person.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 18, 2011, 12:17:51 PM
What did Dr. Frankenstein say to the villagers who stormed his castle protesting his use of body parts in his experiments?

new ans:  she had little else to wear
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 18, 2011, 08:21:03 PM
Your girlfriend is serving drinks dressed only in high heels and a hair ribbon?


New answer: That would be a violation of Murphy's Law.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 18, 2011, 08:25:34 PM
Don't tell me the Murphia have seriously been charged with trafficking, don't they know that Paddy Cocaine is only cement?




new ans:  It fitted before the elastic snapped.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 20, 2011, 08:52:47 AM
What's wrong with your merkin?

New answer: He kept licking the toad and singing songs from the eighties.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 20, 2011, 06:02:19 PM
How did the interview with Howard Marks go?



At a literary festival in Laugharne.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 20, 2011, 06:09:15 PM
Where did you lose your cherry?

New answer: I ran out of marshmallows.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 20, 2011, 06:17:42 PM
Why are there marbles in your skivvies?


new ans:  It just felt right
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 20, 2011, 06:22:21 PM
We had a map, we've got SatNav, GPS and we got directions - what the hell are we doing in a field full of cows in the middle of Christ knows where?



My granny always said you should.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 21, 2011, 04:48:30 AM
Do you think octogenarians should snort coke?

New answer: He became confused by the world libido.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 26, 2011, 07:57:11 PM
Isn't that supposed to be "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?"

New answer: I bought it on the lay away plan.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 26, 2011, 08:09:12 PM
She's top of the range - fully motorised, realskin touch Wow - how the hell could you afford a babe like this on your benefits?



New Ans: My sister passed it on to my brother.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 27, 2011, 03:30:48 AM
Is chlamydia still spreading through the family?

New answer: His hamster was the best man at his wedding.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on January 27, 2011, 10:36:24 AM
Why are you so convinced he is socially inept?

new ans:  His wife looks like Godzilla
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on January 27, 2011, 10:39:50 AM
Again, why are you so convinced he is socially inept?




It itches a lot and is all red...
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 27, 2011, 11:12:46 AM
What are the main disadvantages of the snakeskin condom?

New answer: We exsanguinate all new members.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: irallan on January 27, 2011, 11:17:29 AM
So what do you do for fun around here?  (I exsanguated once . But mum said I would go blind if I kept doing it.)




Oh Dolly Of course I will...




Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 27, 2011, 12:10:35 PM
Will you clone me again, BIG BOY?

It just made a sort of thwacking sound, then the wheel fell off.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on January 28, 2011, 09:19:26 AM
My private jet -- you can explain this, can't you?



I needed another piercing.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 28, 2011, 09:50:28 AM
Why are you bending over the arm of the sofa you greedy girl?

New answer: It went septic.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on January 29, 2011, 07:42:26 AM
What happened when your polynomial equation reached degree seven?

New answer: It required several stitches.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 29, 2011, 02:05:29 PM
Did you manage to tighten her up a bit?

New answer: I only had one ski, and the badger was livid, but at least no one got hurt.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 04, 2011, 07:34:58 AM
Is that your badger in the hotel bar getting toasted and screaming about "abandonment" issues?

New answer: They come in various shades of green.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 04, 2011, 09:29:50 AM
What colour cravat do you wear?

New answer: I lived in a cardboard box with a family from Texas.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 04, 2011, 10:38:06 AM
Why do you vote republican?


New Answer: I think I dreamt about it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 04, 2011, 11:23:13 AM
Do you ever think about my bottom?

New answer: Contentedness is overrated!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 04, 2011, 11:53:05 AM
Why don't you ever finish a crossword?



New Answer: I thought it was cryptic clue.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 04, 2011, 11:59:14 AM
Why are you tattooing runes on your bottom?


new ans:  It felt better that way.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: GinaLeeJohns on February 04, 2011, 08:48:37 PM
Why do you have your bra on backwards?

new answer: Oreo cookies and Tequila.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 04, 2011, 09:01:47 PM
You want what for a midnight snack?

New answer: One size fits all.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 04, 2011, 09:20:47 PM
What's that strange looking thing at the side of your knob for?




New answer: I had to wait for the rain to stop.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 04, 2011, 09:26:39 PM
Why are you watering your garden at 3:00 a.m.?

New answer: It was slightly elliptical before the accident.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 04, 2011, 11:06:09 PM
What the hell have you done to the cross-trainer?



Well, only a small one after I take my tablets.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 05, 2011, 03:37:52 AM
Do you still like to mud wrestle with a dwarf before bed?

New answer: She was coming just as I was leaving.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 05, 2011, 08:48:56 AM
So, how was your wedding night?

New answer: The only things left were two French fries and a dead gerbil.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 05, 2011, 09:26:30 AM
How did Gyppo's car boot sale go?

New answer: He claims he was learning to juggle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 05, 2011, 09:23:28 PM
Okay, Mr. High-Priced Lawyer, what does your client have to say about the three naked women found in the alley directly below his balcony?

New answer: The directions say: No user-serviceable parts inside.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 05, 2011, 09:54:16 PM
Hey - look Hon, they finally brought out a baby manual that makes sense. What's it say on page 1?


Cabbage patch, stork or Big Ron down the chop shop are the usual ones.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 05, 2011, 10:00:58 PM
Whozyerbabydaddy?

New answer: I ordered it Tuesday and they said it might take ten days.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 05, 2011, 10:08:54 PM
Did you ring the department for the emergency replacement valve?



Well, I looked in all the usual places and I couldn't find it, so . . .
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 05, 2011, 10:34:34 PM
Don't you realize that Aunt Ethel won't be able to sleep without her favorite toy?

New answer: Nothing that three ounces of vodka and a couple of olives couldn't cure.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 05, 2011, 10:42:08 PM
Daddy, daddy, daddy I haven't got a carrot for my snowman and I haven't got anything for his eyes oh daddy how're we going to fix him?


Solid packed snow son, it'll help.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 06, 2011, 06:27:13 AM
I've had this boner for eight days now, what should I do?

New answer: He was hiding in the loft cuddling a dead cat.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: girlbeastie on February 10, 2011, 01:23:54 PM
What is the real reason Santa canceled christmas?

New answer: In a glass jar, in the basement.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 10, 2011, 02:06:13 PM
Where did you live before you moved to Detroit?

New answer. A porcupine.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 11, 2011, 07:09:36 PM
Okay, if you didn't over-gel your merkin, what the hell is that?

New answer: It's usually much larger.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 12, 2011, 05:46:24 AM
Is it true that Texas is only 773 miles wide and 790 miles long?

New answer: That's why his nickname is 'The Bowel'.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 12, 2011, 09:26:08 AM
Well, he said it was but he's sh*tting me, right?

New answer: You'll need larger pants for that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 12, 2011, 10:02:33 AM
Do you like my knob extension?

New answer: Ah yes, but she's lived on a diet of pumpkin and vodka for fifteen years.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 12, 2011, 10:05:43 AM
Whatever happened to the witch in Hansel and Gretel - I heard she had to give up the gingerbread diet, is that true?



That's the secret - only use the button on the left after you've deactivated everything else.



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 12, 2011, 11:37:01 AM
Are you sure that's the way to find the clitoris?

New answer: He only had 2 eggs.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: emva83 on February 16, 2011, 04:43:35 AM
Q-I'll sell you my art collection for two million pounds

New answer-two dead bodies and a stack of pancakes
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: La Grange on February 16, 2011, 05:27:37 AM
What do you get every morning in a town of South Africa?

New answer: South African Police.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 19, 2011, 02:25:22 PM
Where can I get a really good model for crowd control with maximum brutality?


Ans:  The avocado went brown.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 19, 2011, 03:19:09 PM
How could you tell the bread was stale?

new ans:  it cured his necrophilia
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 19, 2011, 03:27:37 PM
How're the new jump leads working out?



I was going for a mahogany cherry gleam.


Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 19, 2011, 03:29:25 PM
Why do you keep polishing that knob?


unlikely recommendation from your gynecologist
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 19, 2011, 03:32:34 PM
Why do you keep polishing that knob?


unlikely recommendation from your gynecologist

So - how am I going to stop the leak - you got a decent plumber's number?


It's only dog shit, it's had to see.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 20, 2011, 03:34:12 PM
What have you got on your sarnies today?

New answer: It's simple economics.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 20, 2011, 03:35:42 PM
The bailiffs took everything?


ans: Perhaps when I am alone.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 20, 2011, 03:40:30 PM
Do you ever wear any knickers?

New answer: That's the best way I know to keep a mint humbug in pristine condition.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 23, 2011, 11:01:40 AM
You're sure it's supposed to go in that hole . . . and I leave it wrapped?



new ans:  Minimal lung damage, but it's to be expected after all.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 23, 2011, 07:59:07 PM
Aren't you worried about your two-bale-a-week marijuanna habit?

New answer: Every other one seems to be green.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 27, 2011, 06:27:14 PM
How do you tell these Irish from anyone else?



ans: Nearly, but I had to pay the doctor for it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on February 27, 2011, 06:38:40 PM
Did you just have an orgasm?

New Answer: the four fifty to Heathspeak.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 27, 2011, 06:46:17 PM
The money's short nearly £500 - where'd it go?

ans: It could be orange on a Wednesday.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Symphony on February 28, 2011, 04:06:11 AM
Suggestions for the title of my new novel, anyone?

A plastic arm belonging to a toy soldier
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 28, 2011, 07:10:37 AM
What did you sit on to make you look so happy?

New answer: It's a new Olympic sport introduced especially for 2012.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 28, 2011, 10:13:08 AM
What's with all the End Tmes prediction?

new ans:  it should have melted
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 28, 2011, 11:59:20 AM
Why are you clutching Twinkie between your arse cheeks?

New answer: It's not a real shark's fin.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on February 28, 2011, 08:58:05 PM
I'm not sure about the soup . . . I'm scared . . . has it got monsodium glutamate and E numbers and stuff?


ans:      Yeah right - bird's nest, I'm with you!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 01, 2011, 03:03:40 AM
Who trimmed your minge for you, a Chinese chef?

New answer: It was a long way down.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on March 02, 2011, 08:59:43 PM
Well - pleased with the book ranking . . . or not?


ans: Gordon Ramsey had a go.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 06, 2011, 04:26:06 AM
Jeez, who made a mess of your kitchen?

New answer: Purple is my favorite color.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on March 06, 2011, 10:06:10 AM
Why are there grapes all over your bed?


new ans:  It just felt right.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 06, 2011, 12:01:33 PM
Why did you cut off your left hand?

New answer: She said it would improve my libido.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Story on March 07, 2011, 04:16:19 PM
Why did you get divorced?

new ans:   have you ever seen grass so brown?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 07, 2011, 05:39:11 PM
Is it true that if you smoke enough, you can't tell a question from an answer?

New answer: She was a sword swallower, so that was nice.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on March 09, 2011, 08:48:02 PM
What's a fender?

A quarter past January.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on March 09, 2011, 08:49:37 PM
What time did you say the trash goes out?

new ans:  It smelled to high heaven.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on March 09, 2011, 08:51:01 PM
Johnny, where's your sister?

New Answer: I left it at the gate.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on March 09, 2011, 08:52:34 PM
Where's your shirt and underwear?

new ans:  when it was all over
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on March 09, 2011, 08:57:38 PM
That's not an answer. How dare you?

New Answer: The sunday crossword.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 10, 2011, 05:21:08 PM
Eighteen letters - tee something something, es something ... dee; too bloody hard, old bob thinks?

New answer: It was like a pomegranate but with attitude.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 10, 2011, 08:29:43 PM
So what did your testicles look like after she drop-kicked you?

New answer: The 5:10 to Yorktown.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 11, 2011, 01:43:28 AM
What is 510bhan's full name?

New answer: She always has a pickled onion after sex.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Story on March 11, 2011, 02:27:36 PM
How did she make her fortune?

When did you get a monkey?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on March 11, 2011, 03:16:00 PM
How did she make her fortune?

When did you get a monkey?
the 'answer' is a question?

When did you start caring?

new ans: The monk wore tights.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 12, 2011, 06:24:55 AM
Why did you need your Swiss Army knife?

New answer: I couldn't think of any other way to stop her eating all the pies!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on March 12, 2011, 09:09:16 AM
Who let the dog out?


He dived over the line.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 12, 2011, 09:43:15 AM
How did the train driver avoid your evil lascivious clutches?

New answer: He's the bloke who invented the wanking-spanner.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: emva83 on March 12, 2011, 09:24:04 PM
Tony Blair

New Answer-two racoons and a packet of crisps
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 13, 2011, 05:01:23 AM
So, did anyone show up at your dinner party?

New answer: There wasn't enough left for two.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 13, 2011, 06:56:14 AM
Why did you eat that elephant all to yourself?

New answer: Although she was blind, she used a sort of sonar technique to locate his penis.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on March 14, 2011, 09:14:46 AM
What was all the humming and spinning Zoe was doing with Geoff the other night?



It might not have a moon.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 19, 2011, 07:17:00 AM
I'm told Uranus has 27 moons so would you mind dropping your pants so I can count them?

New answer: I returned the first one because it was broken.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on March 19, 2011, 12:21:50 PM
Is that a new chastity belt on your wife?

new ans:  Because she was standing.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 27, 2011, 08:56:34 PM
Why did you take that poor woman's seat on the bus?

New answer: Having two of them is not really all that unusual.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on March 28, 2011, 12:16:19 PM
Are those really your eyes?

New ans: Because the Mormons had four.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on April 02, 2011, 08:36:44 AM
Why do you insist on having five wives?

New answer: The pointy ones are my favorites.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on April 02, 2011, 08:41:22 AM
So Don, why don't you tell me about your nipple collection?

New answer: It fell out when she sneezed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on April 02, 2011, 09:42:49 AM
Where did you find your credit card?

New ans:  Better safe than sorry.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on April 02, 2011, 11:59:26 AM
Why do you wear ear protectors while we make love?

New answer: It looks sorta like a doughnut.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on April 03, 2011, 12:39:42 AM
She said you had an ugly butt?

New answer: Only large ones are allowed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on April 03, 2011, 12:06:53 PM
Why did the woman burn her tiny bra outside the men's club?

new ans:  It was a silly little love song.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on April 03, 2011, 06:26:40 PM
Did you just do a very tuneful fart?

New answer: A librarian with a chopstick.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on April 03, 2011, 10:41:35 PM
Who is Hemingway Wu?

new ans:  Until death us do part.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on April 26, 2011, 05:18:14 PM
If Rene was correct, what might your soul say to your beard?

New answer: He'd eaten all the pies.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on April 27, 2011, 11:20:35 PM
Why couldn't she find the area of the circle?          A=πr2

New answer: All I know is that it involved olive oil and lots of giggling.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 02, 2011, 11:14:06 AM
How did you manage to dispose of your mother-in-law's body?

New answer: I loved her ... but not her spurs.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on May 02, 2011, 12:13:24 PM
Why did you leave the rodeo queen?

new ans:  Butter, a ladle and sour cream.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on May 14, 2011, 06:29:46 AM
Name your three favorite ingredients for kinky sex.

New answer: This looks like a mission for the SEALs.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on May 14, 2011, 10:19:05 AM
Have you tried Finding Waldo?

new ans:  A cross between an apple and a hand grenade.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on May 14, 2011, 09:13:59 PM
So, what's this explosive new dessert recipe you've created?

New answer: It's the only one in New Mexico.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on May 15, 2011, 08:31:47 PM
And you have provenance for this weeping statue of Mary?


new ans:  medication is only part of it
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on May 15, 2011, 11:10:39 PM
Why have you been feeling so good lately?


new ans:  Gorilla attacks
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on May 16, 2011, 06:34:17 PM
The hickeys?


I can't begin to explain - parquet seemed right.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Andre Farant on May 16, 2011, 07:05:20 PM
Didn't he want to be buried at sea?

New: Orange, but it used to be a sort of yellowish-grey.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on May 16, 2011, 07:09:48 PM
How's that boil looking now?



A teatowel usually works.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Andre Farant on May 16, 2011, 08:12:44 PM
It's fun to do when I have time alone, but what should I do about the mess?


New:  The entire thing, head and all!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Lylac on May 17, 2011, 02:07:17 AM
You want me to put WHAT in my mouth?!

New: I thought it would make her happy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2011, 08:23:27 AM
Why did you buy your wife a new steam iron for her fiftieth birthday?

New answer: Of course you don't get wafers with it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on May 17, 2011, 10:40:25 AM
Isn't that supposed to be an ice-cream 'slider'?


With the tip of a paintbrush.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Lylac on May 17, 2011, 10:54:28 AM
How did you clean your husband's navel?

New: It was dark and the only thing I heard was someone saying "Next".
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Andre Farant on May 17, 2011, 09:42:01 PM
How was your weekend at Charlie Sheen's place?

New: A plunger, but sideways.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 28, 2011, 08:46:47 AM
What should you use to unblock the toilet on the space station?

New answer - once you get used to the thrashing about it's quite easy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on May 28, 2011, 11:03:49 AM
If your girlfriend has a spasm every time she's aroused, how do you manage sex?

New answer: I don't know if there are any left.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 28, 2011, 12:30:53 PM
Where might one find a virgin?

New answer: They always split when I use them.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on May 28, 2011, 12:33:11 PM
How is your brain cell experiment going?


new ans:  Twelve divided by four.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 12, 2011, 03:44:57 PM
How long did The Herron have to wait before someone questioned his answer?

New answer: He was adopted by a family of snails.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 12, 2011, 03:49:13 PM
Why does Mark have so much trouble coming out of his shell?


new ans: They will have to accept all that's left is the laptop and the children.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 12, 2011, 05:15:41 PM
In these times of excessive fuel prices, what else have they to put on the fire?

New answer: you can scrape it off with a spatula.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 12, 2011, 05:21:09 PM
Oh good god - have you seen the state of the gents?


new ans: A crunchie works well if there's nothing else.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 12, 2011, 05:27:34 PM
How did you survive the terrible dildo shortage last year?

New answer: paint the tip blue.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 12, 2011, 05:43:24 PM
What was it you said about the nude's portrait?



new ans: Only on landfill sites.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 12, 2011, 06:28:26 PM
Where can you find seagulls and celebrities living in harmony?

New answer: he borrowed a hammer from a bloke called Jesus.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 12, 2011, 06:30:49 PM
How in heck's name did Kevin become the top furniture designer for IKEA?

New Ans:  Yeah, and an ice pack had to come to the rescue.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 12, 2011, 06:47:16 PM
When the dildo shortage was over, did you take advantage of the dildo glut?

New answer: spontaneous combustion.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 12, 2011, 06:58:31 PM
What lie did you tell about the unfortunate minge conflagration?


new ans: erectile dysfunction
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 12, 2011, 07:03:18 PM
What was the ultimate result of boffing that mangle?

New answer: every time I tried to have a go, either Deb or Gayle would barge in like north American queue jumpers.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 12, 2011, 07:04:56 PM
Did you try shooting the other way?

New ans:  Moose, definitely, moose.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 12, 2011, 07:08:33 PM
Do you prefer men from Dudley or moose?

New answer: she said it was a type of bingo, but I'm sceptical.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 12, 2011, 07:12:06 PM
Why have got various foodstuffs stuck to your naked body?


new ans:  Pertinent and relevant when referring to its mobile function.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 12, 2011, 07:16:32 PM
What did the technical author scream when he ejaculated?

New answer: his own toenail clippings in a matchbox.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 12, 2011, 07:25:11 PM
Well, well -- what did he leave you in the will?


new ans: Knowing broccoli and enjoying it are two different things.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 13, 2011, 05:37:51 AM
What does it say about broccoli in the bible?

New answer: that's why she had it removed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 13, 2011, 10:31:53 AM
Emily used to be so bubbly, always had a story to tell, her brain was full of weird shit wasn't it?


new ans: It just doesn't fit over the extension so it had to go on like that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 13, 2011, 12:27:16 PM
Do you think I have this condom on correctly?

New answer: she reminds me of a piglet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 13, 2011, 12:47:56 PM
Why in god's name would you send your girlfriend swill as a gift?

new ans: No threats - just the chance to make it rise.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on June 14, 2011, 04:43:19 AM
Didn't the recipie call for punching the dough?

new answer: Of course it's pink!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 14, 2011, 06:40:02 AM
On a first date do you prefer the brown or the pink?

New answer: that was one of the many things we tried using helium.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on June 14, 2011, 06:47:15 AM
What gave you the idea to use that to try to revive Grandma?


New answer: You know, we didn't expect it to permanently stick to the backs of her legs.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 14, 2011, 06:56:15 AM
Why oh why did you hide Maude's incontinence pants?

New answer: I didn't realise what time it was in England.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on June 14, 2011, 07:47:42 AM
What made you think singing God Save the Queen in Pig Latin under Prince Philip's mistress's window wouldn't land us in custody?

New answer: Those are not the same tent poles I remember packing!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 14, 2011, 11:17:11 AM
Why on Earth would you put your vibrators in the camper?

new ans:  She had to.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 14, 2011, 05:40:58 PM
Why did God create cakes?

New answer: he roasted them over an open fire.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 14, 2011, 05:44:33 PM
What did your husband do with your lover's balls?

new ans:  It just seemed llike the right thing to say.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 14, 2011, 05:48:43 PM
Why did you yodel when the judge asked your profession?

New answer: I had her stuffed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 14, 2011, 05:50:57 PM
Why is your wife so quiet lately?

new ans:  Her breath was like hot mustard left out in the sun for weeks.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 14, 2011, 05:55:37 PM
And how did the blow job with June go?

new ans: I got pizza palate burn, which left the dribbles and I already had brain freeze from the ice-cream
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 14, 2011, 05:58:45 PM
How did you celebrate St George's say?

New answer: one nostril was much larger than the other.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 14, 2011, 08:41:18 PM
So what did your blind date look like?

new ans:  her mouth was too big
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 14, 2011, 08:42:56 PM
Her excuse for not delivering like you agreed was what?

new ans: Sometimes it helps when it's turned slushy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 15, 2011, 05:52:00 AM
Do you get a good night's sleep in that ice bed o yours?

New answer: she would have escaped if it had not been for my pet wolf.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: trev on June 15, 2011, 07:17:39 AM
That blond you mentioned, did she stay the night?

New answer, she only left two pints of milk
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 15, 2011, 05:04:11 PM
What did she leave you in her will?

New answer: 2.88 billion kilometres.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on June 15, 2011, 09:01:11 PM
How far is my foot from Uranus?  ;D

I'm sorry but you picked the planet and I couldn't resist.

New answer: My navigation system said it was this way.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 16, 2011, 12:25:10 AM
Why are you sitting in that cesspool?

new ans:  fifty-one at last count
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 16, 2011, 04:46:39 AM
How many times have you thought about breasts in the last 52 seconds?

New answer: riding on the back of a dolphin.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on June 16, 2011, 05:56:28 AM
How did Schwarzenegger impregnate his housekeeper?


New answer: He had a nose like an old boot.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 16, 2011, 06:47:36 AM
How did he keep his moustache dry?

New answer: I thought it was a trumpet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on June 16, 2011, 06:56:32 AM
Why were you blowing on that old woman's nose?



New answer: Because I wanted an 'A' in psychology.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 16, 2011, 08:57:16 AM
Why did you write psychaology?

New answer: I wanted to try cocaine but only had twenty pence.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 16, 2011, 10:09:01 AM
Why are you snorting the sherbert from a space wafer?


It could only been done in jodhpurs.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 16, 2011, 10:14:25 AM
Can you write a sentence that contains an Indian word and an example of poor grammar?

New answer: we tried to bleach it, but it stayed purple.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 16, 2011, 10:47:24 AM
Any luck with fixing Mark's knob?

It refused to enter the starting gate.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 16, 2011, 12:27:29 PM
How did you discover that your donkey was dead?

New answer: he started with clogs then progressed to wooden pants.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 16, 2011, 12:56:42 PM
How did Whittling Walt get started in the business?


It only takes a bit of polish - thinly applied.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 16, 2011, 01:03:34 PM
How do you blind a seahorse?

New question: an ice cube.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on June 16, 2011, 01:57:44 PM
What's that wet bulge in your pants?

new ans:  because she wouldn't undress
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on June 16, 2011, 03:31:51 PM
Why was her wedding gown taped on?


New answer: Eyeballs don't wrinkle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 16, 2011, 07:03:25 PM
What should we carve on your grave stone?

New answer: the year of the melon.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 16, 2011, 07:35:54 PM
When will your dreams come to fruition?



The author of 'sex for dummies'.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: starklight on June 16, 2011, 10:27:59 PM
Who told you to wear kiddie's underpants?


A tricycle for adult
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on June 16, 2011, 10:33:41 PM
What did he trade his wheelchair in for?


New answer: Robert Downey Jr.



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 17, 2011, 04:04:37 AM
What do you use as a key fob?

New answer: on a river ferry.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 510bhan on June 17, 2011, 05:36:32 AM
Where was the last place you had a blow job?


Matches - sulphurous little sods.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 17, 2011, 01:18:36 PM
Who do you blame for the flaming fiasco that s the EU?

New answer: he taught his children line dancing as soon as they could stand.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 18, 2011, 06:38:18 AM
How did they know that King George was bonkers?

New answer: because Ma needed to know.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on September 19, 2011, 02:28:30 PM
Why did you teach Ma the Hokey Pokey?


New answer: That's what you get for spelunking with a salesman.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 19, 2011, 03:14:36 PM
Spelunking??? the act of exploring for the missing condom after deep penetration. Fair enough.

How come I always end up pregnant?

New answer: I soaked it overnight in a bowl of yoghurt.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on September 19, 2011, 03:34:55 PM
How did you get over that overdose of Viagra?



New answer: It was on my grocery list!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 20, 2011, 04:47:21 AM
Why did you get a tattoo?

New answer: I swapped it for a wireless one.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on September 20, 2011, 04:51:45 AM
What ever happened to your condom-cam invention?

New answer: I have an appointment for that tomorrow.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 20, 2011, 05:09:38 AM
Are you going to have Herron neutered?

New answer: A spoonful of sugar.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on September 20, 2011, 04:34:57 PM
What makes Mark dizzy and incoherent?

New ans:  Whatever it takes.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on September 21, 2011, 06:43:37 PM
How much alcohol do you plan to give that poor, helpless, young woman?


New answer: I bet you say that to all the girls.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on September 21, 2011, 10:12:26 PM
What's a nice girl like you doin' in a joint like this?

New answer: I have them imported from Belgium.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on September 21, 2011, 11:56:17 PM
Where are your parents from?




New answer: They look great with my back seamed stockings.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on September 24, 2011, 09:04:17 AM
Why did you draw question marks all over your body?

New Answer: The day the laughter opened a bicycle repair shop.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 25, 2011, 10:28:59 AM
When did the chuckle brothers make their first million.

New answer: A pain in the hole.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on September 25, 2011, 07:31:38 PM


What do you call a limp one?


The military police advocated for it!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 26, 2011, 03:04:14 AM
Why have we got camouflaged doughnuts?

New answer: He drowned in shallow puddle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on September 26, 2011, 08:36:40 PM
What would be a deserving end to former Vice President Cheney, owner of Enron?




New answer: They are made out of tree bark.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 27, 2011, 03:13:41 AM
Why are you making that face, is there something wrong with your panties?

New answer: It's a sort of kebab.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 27, 2011, 07:39:46 AM
What are all these lumps on your male appendage?

New answer: fourteen different ways to Sunday
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 27, 2011, 07:53:01 AM
If you start last Monday advance n days (where n = 6) then reverse n-1 days, then decrement n and repeat until n = 0, then do it all again, what will you have?

New answer: She found algorithms extremely sexy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 27, 2011, 09:00:15 AM
Why was the Hooters waitress majoring in math?

New answer: fundamental
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on September 28, 2011, 03:47:04 AM
What was the name of that new charity for crazed blondes?


New answer: my personal injury lawyer


Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 28, 2011, 06:46:52 AM
What would you use to wipe your bottom if there was no toilet paper?

New answer: When the screaming stopped, I shot him.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on September 28, 2011, 07:01:20 AM
How did you keep that personal injury lawyer from suing you?



New answer: He blamed it on Saint Elmo's Fire.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 28, 2011, 07:53:50 AM
Why has Skip Slocum got scorch marks on the back of his shorts?

New answer: The truth is worse than you can imagine.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 28, 2011, 10:39:19 AM
Mark, what happened to your trousers?

New answer: chihuahua puppies
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 28, 2011, 02:59:30 PM
What's on your sandwich today Aunty Patti?

New answer: He's been sucking it all day.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 28, 2011, 04:55:43 PM
Sid went to the County Fair yesterday and bought one of the sugar confections ludicrously called an All Day Sucker. What has he been doing since?


new answer: the New York Philharmonic
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 28, 2011, 05:21:41 PM
Who is playing the Boston Stranglers in the World Series (whatever that is) Final?

New answer: She kept a tame swan as a pet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on September 28, 2011, 08:53:27 PM
What was the real reason Imelda Marcus was so widely unpopular?


New answer: He told me my shoes looked smashing!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on September 28, 2011, 10:19:12 PM
Why did he keep looking down while you were naked?

New ans:  Breaking a sweat.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 29, 2011, 09:44:08 PM
How did you spend your sixteen seconds of "love making" with your sweetie?


new answer: breaking a record
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2011, 06:26:51 AM
How did you spend your sixteen seconds of "love making" with your sweetie?

New answer: She coughed at an inopportune moment.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 30, 2011, 01:09:32 PM
What made your 16 seconds of "love making" end so quickly?

new answer: Mickey Mouse and those damn red shorts
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on September 30, 2011, 05:24:04 PM
Why were you screaming in your sleep?

new ans:  Buttermmilk pancakes
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 30, 2011, 09:04:54 PM
What do you wish to stuff down Donald Duck's throat when he starts that horrible quacking?

New answer: Model T Ford
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on October 01, 2011, 04:09:33 PM
What did Big T and America's next top model have in common?


New answer: That shouldn't be allowed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 01, 2011, 06:54:04 PM
Should people who don't follow the rules for the games here on Writing Games & Challenges being executed?


new answer: writing desks and kittens
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on October 01, 2011, 07:08:00 PM

What did Alice see, besides, Patti, Herron, and Mark, when she fell in the rabbit hole?


New answer: Because she had a few screws loose.



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 01, 2011, 10:18:10 PM
Although it wasn't a beret, Deb's hat was crooked - why?


new answer: rabid fear of the dark
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on October 02, 2011, 04:11:10 AM
Why does Ollie carry a torch in his fist?

New answer: It needs batteries.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 02, 2011, 09:22:48 AM
Why isn't Ollie carrying a simple flashlight?

new answer: a sock with a hole in the toe
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: JimboGee on October 02, 2011, 01:22:41 PM
what's a convenient thing to use to carry this bottle of scotch?


New Answer:  Purple rain
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 02, 2011, 01:55:49 PM
What was the cause of Prince's state of hydration?

new answer: an old diary
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: JimboGee on October 02, 2011, 02:28:53 PM
What was it your parents gave you that told about life among dinosaurs?


New answer:  Ace in the hole
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 02, 2011, 03:37:03 PM
Why did Grandpa keep going to the outhouse?

new ans:  peanut butter
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: JimboGee on October 02, 2011, 04:20:09 PM
what d'ya call a minor league fighter who leads with his head?

New answer:  young and foolish
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 02, 2011, 04:26:05 PM
All Superheroes seem to have a couple qualities in common. What would be a good way to describe them all?


new answer: pumpkins and a moth
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: JimboGee on October 02, 2011, 06:39:32 PM
what are attracted by candles on halloween night ;D :-[

New answer:    ten foot pole
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 02, 2011, 08:43:43 PM
What was the nickname of the basketball star, Brian Wolinski?


new answer: selling short
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on October 03, 2011, 01:00:41 PM


Children selling popcorn and cookies door to door for Scouts.


New answer: She learned Chinese calligraphy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: JimboGee on October 03, 2011, 02:37:41 PM
How was May able to read the directions that came with all she bought at the mall?


new answer    litmus test
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Ruth.no.2 on October 12, 2011, 02:29:53 AM
What did the scientist use to prove that lemons contain acid?

NEW ANSWER: Polka Dots
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 12, 2011, 11:05:44 AM
What was the Polish Dancer named Dorothy called as a derogatory nickname?


he took the last lightbulb
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 19, 2011, 09:33:24 PM
Why did Edison move out of Menlo Park after Tesla left?

They were a gift from George Bush.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: JimboGee on October 19, 2011, 09:51:52 PM
Gee, where'd ya get all those neat Iraqi coloring books?


New Answer: All thumbs
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: cosmo on October 20, 2011, 03:22:16 AM
Last Question: ...and what was your primary responsibility when you worked at the mitten factory?


Next Answer: Two hours late and limping.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 20, 2011, 11:13:49 AM
After that wild party last night, how did you get to work this morning?

new answer: halfway to heaven
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: cosmo on October 20, 2011, 07:02:46 PM
Last Question: "Where does this Rocky Road lead...?"


Next Answer: A fork and knife
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on October 26, 2011, 06:26:27 PM
I'm sorry, what were your names?

New answer: Purple snowmen.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 26, 2011, 10:41:38 PM
What can we make with all this purple snow?

New answer: A rhinestone thong.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 28, 2011, 10:08:05 AM
Santa! what is that peeking out of your trousers?


New answer: forty seven cents
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on October 29, 2011, 09:27:16 AM
What's your IRA investment worth today?


new ans:  A really good use for investment bankers   ::)
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on October 31, 2011, 11:01:51 PM
Kindling.

Unlikely new cooking show.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 02, 2011, 05:39:59 PM
What is Kate Moss and Twiggy's Baking Extravaganza?

New answer: a brand new thermometer



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on November 02, 2011, 05:41:15 PM
Shouldn't I be writing?

New Answer: well, people give strange answers when they're doing national novel writing month.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 03, 2011, 08:13:51 AM
Why is that monkey answering your mail?

new ans:  Practicing
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 05, 2011, 08:44:43 AM
Doctor, are you sure you know what you're doing or are you just . . . ?

New answer: You'll need a chainsaw.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 07, 2011, 05:27:57 PM
How do you conquer writer's block?

new ans:  Homicide
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 09, 2011, 09:04:42 AM
What is the only way to clear the park of OWeS protesters?


new answer: licorice and schnapps
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 09, 2011, 05:30:17 PM
What is a Republican Halloween treat?

new ans: Going to the psychiatrist.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 11, 2011, 09:36:25 AM
Herron, how did you spend your day?


new answer: philanthropy turned bad
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 21, 2011, 08:24:50 PM
How would you describe Bill Gates' program to give away his fortune and Warren Buffet's fortune to charities in every country except the one they earned it in?

New answer: It seemed like such a good idea.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on November 21, 2011, 08:29:01 PM
Why did you do nanowrimo?

yay I jusfrjkns 50,,00,0 yeah.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on November 22, 2011, 12:25:37 PM
What gibberish was he spouting when they put the straight-jacket on him?

new ans:  He seemed like such a nice fellow.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 06, 2011, 06:13:51 AM
What did the reporter hear when asking about the serial killer?


New answer: tinsel and star dust
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Varekai on December 07, 2011, 10:43:03 AM
What did they title the Liberace Christmas Special?

Answer: The.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 07, 2011, 10:29:57 PM
What is Mark.'s (http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?action=profile;u=4795) first name?

New answer: Isopropyl alcohol

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: cosmo on December 10, 2011, 11:49:14 PM
Old Question: What you don't expect when you ask for a pint of I.P.A.

New answer: Largesse
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Nemoto on December 12, 2011, 03:47:57 PM
What do you call a gift from the fat wife of a Duke?


New ans:  the Higgs bosun
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on December 12, 2011, 11:20:24 PM
Are they still looking for that "God-particle"...whatever they call it?

new ans:  whenever I look in your eyes
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jazmin on December 12, 2011, 11:37:31 PM
When do you feel your mortality the most?

New Answer: Happier besides the abnormal growth on my head.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 16, 2011, 07:53:01 PM
So, how are you feeling now that you've had your Santa hat surgically attached?

New answer: I swear, I thought it was a porcupine.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 01, 2012, 12:13:27 PM
Why did you release that Canadian into the wild in Yellowstone?

New answer: I keep it under my hat.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 01, 2012, 07:10:23 PM
Where is your stash of porn?


new answer: blue hair and red eyes
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 01, 2012, 07:55:26 PM
What are the two most common symptoms of smurf fondling?

New answer: guilt by association.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 11, 2012, 02:21:36 AM
We're playing Association Plus. What would you link from judge?

New Answer: Granite pinball
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 11, 2012, 02:43:39 AM
What did you use as a prosthetic testicle?

New answer: One leg was shorter than the other.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 11, 2012, 02:45:54 AM
Why was your olympic kettledrumming career cut so short?

New answer: Party Time
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 11, 2012, 04:26:23 AM
When is the best time to eat cheese and pineapple on sticks?

New answer: It was served on a stick and I just could not resist.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on February 01, 2012, 07:24:19 PM
What's that coming out of your nose?

New Answer: A new pencil sharpener.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 02, 2012, 06:25:13 PM
What will you give me in exchange for this chopstick?

New answer: I modelled for Lucien Freud.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on February 14, 2012, 01:07:15 AM
How did you get to be such good friends with Jeremy Clarkson?

New answer: If I tell you, I'll have to kiss you.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 14, 2012, 07:47:19 AM
What's your favourite type of sausage?

New answer: I was watching a surgeon fit an prosthetic spine on a politician.



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 14, 2012, 07:47:04 PM
Where the heck have you been for the last two weeks?

New answer: Oysters Oregano would be my first choice.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 15, 2012, 03:51:19 AM
What sort of crisps do you want with your ketchup sandwich.

New answer: She was operated by tugging on her ears, a bit like steering an elephant.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 15, 2012, 08:40:16 PM
Did you ever figure out how your inflatable girlfriend works?

New answer: There simply aren't enough to go around.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 16, 2012, 02:55:22 AM
How come men don't have clitorises?

New answer: I found it in a crevice, underneath a bush.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 18, 2012, 09:13:53 AM
You found your gold tooth where?

New Answer: I assumed that's what it was used for.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 18, 2012, 09:21:27 AM
Why did you hang you car keys on her left nipple?

New answer: It was simply an old crisp bag filled with hot air.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 18, 2012, 07:20:41 PM
What were you using as a condom?


New answer: I taped a swizzle stick to the thing.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 20, 2012, 09:01:48 PM
What the hell did you do before they invented Viagra?

New answer: It should be enough for tomorrow.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 27, 2012, 07:42:05 AM
I have two teaspoons of milk left in the bottom of the carton, but I take milk in my coffee, so should I keep it or go shopping?

new answer: silken shoes and leopard print stockings
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 27, 2012, 05:46:43 PM
What do the cops wear in your state?

New answer: His teeth were so white that at least three people in the audience had epileptic fits.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on February 27, 2012, 06:14:26 PM
Why did the ventriloquist cover his mouth while he performed?

New Answer: She said it made her giggle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on February 28, 2012, 01:25:45 AM


Why was the executioner fired from the job?

New answer: I swear! It was like that when I found it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 28, 2012, 02:44:37 AM
Why is there an axe in that lawyer's skull?

New answer: She made a sound startled dingo, then asked for pizza.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 28, 2012, 07:00:22 AM
What happened when someone poked Ma, who was "resting" in the bar?


new answer: florescent lighting and a jug of Kool-aid.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: herron on February 28, 2012, 09:29:28 PM
What two things make life miserable when you have a hangover?

new ans:  Her knickers were in a knot.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 01, 2012, 05:21:40 AM
What happened when Ma froze a load of laundry in her washing machine?


new answer: preliminary results only
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on April 07, 2012, 04:38:43 PM
What evidence do you have that you are human?

New answer: She was nominated twice as Pipe Smoker of the Year and renowned for her rough shag.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on April 09, 2012, 07:25:04 PM
What are two little known facts about Amelia Erhart?

New answer: Three ounces of Scotch and a couple of scoops of ice cream.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: trev on April 12, 2012, 08:44:11 AM
What does he use for the baldness?

New answer: Turn the handle four times in the opposite direction of the moon
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on April 12, 2012, 02:19:59 PM
What should you do when someone flashes his arse at you while you are playing the hurdy gurdy?

New answer: Hold your breath.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on April 12, 2012, 05:14:42 PM
What's the worst thing you can do when experiencing respiratory arrest?

New Answer: Only if you're trying to hurt yourself.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on April 12, 2012, 05:36:12 PM
When on the rebound, is it wise to console yourself by having a night of passion with a hedgehog?

New answer: She thought an eight dollar tip was far too generous.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: La Grange on September 10, 2012, 12:36:14 PM
Why did Mary keep on sitting at the
restaurant's table with $8 on her left?

New answer: Running down the hill, he looked back twice.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on September 10, 2012, 06:36:54 PM
How did he manage to collide with a 1-metre-wide oak tree in broad daylight?

New Answer: Stand on your head and salute.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on September 10, 2012, 07:01:50 PM
What do you do when confronted by a superior officer while your pants are down?

New Answer: I was only borrowing it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on September 15, 2012, 11:21:07 PM
What do you say when your lover catches you with another man's penis in your hand?

Answer: A glass of wine, a good book, and handsome man that knows how to cook.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gyppo on September 16, 2012, 01:07:03 PM
"What is a girl's best friend?"

New answer:  Just a little over three feet three inches.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on September 16, 2012, 03:25:00 PM
If a mouse develops a case of giantism, how tall does it get?

New Answer: About three days.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: La Grange on September 16, 2012, 11:59:13 PM
How long is Monday?

New answer: Out of the two you mentioned, the last
one is the fastest animal on land.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on September 17, 2012, 09:17:31 AM
What's the difference between a cheater and a cheetah?

New answer: I was just trying to see.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: La Grange on September 18, 2012, 03:00:36 PM
Why do you put your eye so close to the scope?
You will get hurt when your fire your weapon.

New answer: London
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on September 18, 2012, 05:14:12 PM
What city's name is a rearrangement of the phrase "loon do"?

New answer: As often as I can.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on September 18, 2012, 05:51:46 PM
How often do you watch the sun come up?

New answer: It takes two to tango.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on September 18, 2012, 07:00:59 PM
Do you ever dance by yourself?

New Answer: Grin and bear it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on September 19, 2012, 06:10:44 AM
What did your Dentist say when you told him your dentures didn't fit?

New Answer: He had a wife.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on September 19, 2012, 10:22:45 AM
What did the philanderer brag about after he slept with his landlord's pretty young spouse.

New Answer: It always takes that long.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on September 19, 2012, 10:37:02 AM
Where's my damn coffee?

New Answer: What's coffee?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: La Grange on September 20, 2012, 04:02:17 AM
Of all that I can serve you, I’ve got these three.

New answer:
a. Left
b. Hill
c. Strait
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 25, 2012, 04:11:39 PM
Which is your favourite testicle?

New answer: a religious zealot in a mink gilet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on September 30, 2012, 07:15:34 AM
Who's taken all the spam?

New answer: lemon lemon lemon
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2012, 07:46:33 AM
What would a brummie say if asked to name 3 citrus fruits?

New answer: I had no reason to think she was lying, she had the uniform and all the accoutrements.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on September 30, 2012, 07:56:50 AM
She wasn't a real policewoman, was she?

New answer: Two pars, one driving it and another being driven in it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2012, 09:02:11 AM
You claim the eagle stole the golf cart and used it to kidnap the albatross?

New answer: Not only that but all the baboons had their very own copy of DDV's pirate novel: Blackheart!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on September 30, 2012, 09:25:22 AM
Were there lions at the zoo?

New Zealand: Pepper and homelessness.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2012, 09:38:07 AM
Name 2 things that can irritate your hemorrhoids?

New Hampshire: She refused to remove her snorkel and kept insisting it was time to blow ballast.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on September 30, 2012, 09:44:24 AM
What's the difference between New Old New Labour and Old New New Labour?

New Jersey: I got mine.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2012, 10:01:02 AM
Where are all the suicide capsules?

New Tony Anne: It helped keep my hat on.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on September 30, 2012, 10:04:50 AM
What are those stitches for?

Newcomb Medal: Ftang, ftang.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2012, 10:16:55 AM
So Mr Obskalibskavichi, what precedes the phrase: ole biscuit barrel?

Nouveau Riche: I left Rick Stien's to get a much better job at Kentucky Fried Gristle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on September 30, 2012, 10:20:37 AM
We were worried sick, where have you been?

New Nueva Tango: I have a flute.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2012, 10:47:39 AM
What the fluck is wrong with your top lip?

New potatoes: She claimed it was a coracle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on September 30, 2012, 10:55:00 AM
Why did she give you a cockatrice for your birthday?

Newton Abbot: Oh My God. The dam is made of rubber.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2012, 12:14:36 PM
Did you not know how a Dutch cap works?

New bile: When he said he was an octogenarian, I knew he must be at least sixty years old.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on September 30, 2012, 12:15:42 PM
Who's the geezer?

Nu Metal: Nu Metal
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2012, 12:32:27 PM
Which sub-genre of heavy racket does Prince Charles like to listen to while waxing his footman?

New Port (leave a few years before drinking): He told me that was the best way to eat a gherkin.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on September 30, 2012, 12:37:58 PM
Why did you try to fellate it in the first place?

Newcastle: pub spandex
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2012, 12:44:29 PM
What is your nightgown made from?

New Key (handy for opening locks in Cornwall): Mornington Crescent.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on September 30, 2012, 12:51:06 PM
I won, I finally won, we can end this topic now. Can't we?

New Lee Wed: Crenington Morscent
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2012, 01:20:13 PM
Just tell me this, are you, in fact, the bastard offspring of the Reverand Spooner?

New Mark Ate: The rest had no idea what was going on.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on September 30, 2012, 01:21:50 PM
Why are we the only two people posting in this thread?

New York, New York: It had something to do with the screwdriver.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2012, 01:31:02 PM
In the old days, how was one supposed to dislodge a persistent strumpet?

New Sans: I used the tool for getting stones out of horses hoves on my Swiss Army knife.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on September 30, 2012, 03:36:24 PM
How did manage to unload that persistent suitor?

New-ton: The road runs both ways, you know.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 01, 2012, 04:26:30 PM
Is this the way to Amarillo?

ganz neue antwort: large yellow balls everywhere.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on October 01, 2012, 04:30:03 PM
So, how was Wimbledon?

New Menswear: tomorrow
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 02, 2012, 09:41:01 AM
When were you planning on calling today yesterday?

New Scotland Yurt: He was dressed as a bull-fighter but wearing Wellington boots!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on October 04, 2012, 03:38:25 PM
What did Robert wear for the bullsh*t seminar?

6 pennies, a rock and a petrified frog.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on October 04, 2012, 04:37:44 PM
What did you find in your nephew's pocket?

New answer: A mediaeval castle wall, a very tall ladder, and a dose of liquid courage.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on October 04, 2012, 04:48:12 PM
What did the Prince need to fight the dragon/giant/evil prince and rescue the damsel in the tower?

Once you get one, it will change your life.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on October 04, 2012, 06:03:18 PM
What do an STD and a life-long romantic partner have in common?

New answer: Alone, at last!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on October 04, 2012, 06:22:15 PM
That one made me choke on my food, Gayle!


 Unaware that the Swat Team were poised outside ready to raid her house, what did Mrs. Murphy think as she got in the tub?

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 06, 2012, 01:10:59 PM
As there's no new answer I shall take the phrase: That one made me choke on my food, Gayle!

What did the actress say to the Bishop (the very reverend Bob Gayle)?

New answer: He only had one finger, but it was a large one.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on October 06, 2012, 03:06:18 PM
What did the over-sexed woman like to say about no-armed lover?

New answer: That's to expected when dealing with a writer.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 06, 2012, 03:09:58 PM
Did you object to him taking notes while performing cunnilingus?

New answer: His contact lens fell in my soup.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on October 07, 2012, 06:10:49 PM
Why did I upbraid the waiter?

New Answer: Take the next left and keep going.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on October 07, 2012, 07:13:33 PM
I'd like to tell you where to go, but I couldn't tell you how to get there. Do you know?

New answer: I don't know of any man who doesn't.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 08, 2012, 07:53:25 AM
Does your man enjoy luxuriating in a bath of warm goat's milk, being sprinkled with scented rose petals while the music of Rolf Harris is played on a harp by naked woman of ample girth?

New answer: I don't know of any woman who doesn't.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on October 08, 2012, 09:34:40 AM
Does your lady like to recline on a chaise lounge reading romantic poetry and sipping a fine wine while being feed grapes one-by-one by a tall, muscular young "Hercules" clad only in a loin cloth?

I'm still getting a giggle out of what the music of Rolf Harris would sound like being played on a harp.

New answer: Are you trying to tell me that I need to get a hobby?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on October 08, 2012, 11:27:08 AM
Do you have so much free time you find yourself obsessing about your cats?

New Answer: I didn't realize it would end that way.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 08, 2012, 02:16:35 PM
What surprised you about your first orgasm?

New answer: I can bear it for five minutes, but no longer.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on October 08, 2012, 07:21:21 PM
What excuse did the Mesopotamian maiden give for refusing to go on water-carrying duty?

New answer: That's something you don't see everyday.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 11, 2012, 08:26:38 AM
Can you help me get this snake back into its nest?

New answer: He was an embarrassment, so we sent him away.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Justin S on October 13, 2012, 04:16:34 AM
Hey, what happened to that kid who was trying to get us all to help him with his homework in "Review My Work"?

New answer:

It didn't make any sense, so we felt it was the right thing to do.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 13, 2012, 06:10:02 AM
Why did you throw away the the book of St. Debbie the Premenstrual, rather than include it in the New Testament?

New answer: When she got it out, she struggled to hold it, kept complaining that it made her arms ache, and eventually dropped it and cracked the glass coffee-table.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 08, 2012, 07:31:47 AM
What happened when the wife was handed her husband's ego?


new answer: leopard print high heels and a milkshake
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on December 09, 2012, 04:28:11 AM
What's the next big thing in fashion?

New Answer: Big, brown eyes and creamy mayonnaise
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on December 09, 2012, 10:32:46 AM
What delicacy is cannibals' favourite holiday treat?

New Answer: Sore muscles and a young Hercules' phone number.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: WordBird on December 09, 2012, 10:35:33 AM
Question:  What the hell happened last night?



Answer:  The bottle is empty.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on December 09, 2012, 12:41:50 PM
Why is WordBird looking so sullen?

Question:  What the hell happened last night?
It's funny how we interpret things so differently. I had just started working out again after a long time away from it, and so "sore muscles and a young Hercules' phone number" was one part fantasy and one part reality based on my recent trip to the gym. Sadly for me, the sore muscles was the reality part. When I read your response, I laughed out loud, because I suddenly realized that "sore muscles", in the context I had written it, had a much naughtier  connotation than I had intended.

New Answer: With a rather large bowl of spaghetti.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: WordBird on December 09, 2012, 06:03:33 PM
It's funny how we interpret things so differently.

I hope my sick sense of humor is of no offense.

Question:  How are we going to keep Tony occupied long enough to take care of Guido?



Answer:  By the ears.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 09, 2012, 06:37:40 PM
How do you keep hold of a man who is bucking (note the first letter - what restraint) like a bronco?


new answer: For the win, 47 points.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: WordBird on December 09, 2012, 06:41:31 PM
How do you keep hold of a man who is bucking (note the first letter - what restraint) like a bronco?

Ok, I almost spit out a perfectly good drink of beer on this one.  ;D :D ;D
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on December 09, 2012, 10:02:36 PM
How many bonus points should we award Spell Chick for her recent "bucking bronco" joke?  ;D

I wasn't offended WordBird, I just thought it was funny. :D

New answer: With steady hands and a lot of patience.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 10, 2012, 08:51:14 AM
How do you thread a sewing machine after a night of drinking?


new answer: rainbow sparkles and glass of Chablis

Glad I could amuse. 
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: WordBird on December 11, 2012, 10:47:43 AM
How the hell do you use the word Chablis in a sentence?


New Answer:  Because Oo'sit said so!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 11, 2012, 06:40:19 PM
Why did you go to class in your pajamas?

New Age Medicine: Left, turn left, damnit.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 25, 2012, 11:57:30 AM
What is the slogan of the Whimsical Communist Party of Great Britain?

New answer: Pickled walnuts.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 26, 2012, 06:47:09 PM
How do you do a non-sequitur?

Newbie Blanket: Propulsion
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on December 26, 2012, 06:56:35 PM
What do you get when you combine your uncle John with a large holiday dinner and then sit him down on a chair with casters?

New answer: Last call.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 26, 2012, 06:57:36 PM
When are you going to let me out of this cage?

New Ansible Link: The forty fifth of January.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 27, 2012, 12:11:09 PM
What do you get if you divide The Year of the Hamster by the star sign Twinkling Bill?

New shoes: That's the wrong hole.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on December 27, 2012, 09:17:39 PM
What did the lady gopher say to her husband when he came home inebriated and accidentally stumbled into a nearby posthole instead of their burrow?

(It took all my will power not to answer that with a far more sexual reference.)

New answer: About as quickly as he can move.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 28, 2012, 03:36:38 AM
How fast does a man run away if you ask him to join you at a soft furnishings exhibition?

New answer: She had some very sexy ideas, then, by using all her will power, she began fantasizing about drunken gophers.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on December 28, 2012, 08:02:21 AM
New answer: She had some very sexy ideas, then, be using all her will power, she began fantasizing about drunken gophers.
Oh you're just mocking me, now.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 28, 2012, 08:24:58 AM
How does Gayle manage to elude the obvious sexual innuendo Mark. poses?



New answer: Always with the sexual innuendo.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 28, 2012, 06:52:25 PM
How did the Italian pervert describe his addiction to suppositories?

New answer: We kept setting the clocks back until it was yesterday.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 28, 2012, 07:24:47 PM
Is it true? How did you manage to build a time machine?

New answer: There's a YouTube instructional video for that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on December 28, 2012, 07:43:08 PM
Need to find a way to discreetly seduce someone at the office New Year's Eve party without being subject to gossip the next day?

New answer: With 1/2 metre of rubber hose and a smile.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 29, 2012, 07:24:27 AM
How did they get you to join Incontinents Anonymous?

New answer: Hold your thumb over the hole, but be prepared for some yelling.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 31, 2012, 04:49:20 AM
How do you get this thread back on page one?

New answer: they could if they tried harder.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 09, 2013, 08:48:30 PM
Have the plumbers been here yet?

New Balls, Change Ends: I couldn't stop him from doing it. He had a calculator.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 10, 2013, 02:27:12 AM
Why did you let George Osborne diddle with your personal whatsits?

New duh: She was being chased by a badger.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Sasquatch on January 10, 2013, 06:57:13 AM
Why did your mother's car have all those dents and scrapes?

New answer: He jumped out the window, wearing nothing but black socks.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 10, 2013, 07:01:53 AM
What's the sexiest thing you've seen Eric Pickles do?

New testicle: Well I didn't know that's what blue tooth meant!!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 20, 2013, 12:12:54 PM
You're supposed to be wiring up these devices. What are you doing with that food dye?

Newan's Wer: I'm sure it's vertical.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 20, 2013, 12:19:16 PM
Is it true you have a banana shaped penis?

Newtonards: She claimed it was a form of martial art.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 20, 2013, 12:23:24 PM
How was your sister's Cake Maga display?

News'stand: Elementarary, My Dear Whiskey. It was hidden in the statute of the horsey.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 20, 2013, 12:26:09 PM
Dude, is that stuff any good?

Nude bathing: I was trying to buy some horse burger for Tescos. 
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on January 20, 2013, 12:32:09 PM
What were doing wandering around a pasture in rubber boots with a poop scooper?

New answer: But that's what all arrogant, oversexed fools do.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 20, 2013, 12:35:05 PM
Why don't you just get a toy-boy?

New bile: I wanted to see her again but she makes a noise like an outboard motor.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on January 20, 2013, 12:40:21 PM
Why haven't I seen you with that sexy young girl you were flirting with the other night?

New answer: Depends on how drunk I get first.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: WordBird on January 20, 2013, 12:41:53 PM
That's why you haven't seen me with the girl I was flirting with the other night.



The day of reckoning.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 20, 2013, 12:44:28 PM
That reply contained no question. What's going on here?

Newalle Deville: They're all mine. Hahaaaahaahahahahaha . . .
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on January 20, 2013, 12:46:45 PM
What does Sprocket say when confronted with a plate of his favourite treats?

That's why you haven't seen me with the girl I was flirting with the other night.
Oops! That was supposed to be a question, not an answer.  ;)

New answer: How long do you have?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 20, 2013, 12:47:59 PM
So, how was your day?

Newsmithsonianism: The "if this is the answer" game.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 20, 2013, 12:49:45 PM
What did she yell out when she finally came?

New territories: We were in Hong Kong, abseiling down the side of a building, it was raining, the building was slippery, and I didn't have a handkerchief.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on January 20, 2013, 12:51:15 PM
What were you doing to procrastinate when you should've be working on your manuscript?

New answer: Last week's Beef Stroganoff.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 20, 2013, 12:54:03 PM
What the hell are you wearing now?!!

New swearing: Do NOT let go of the waistband.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 20, 2013, 12:57:16 PM
Do you want here my plan for getting down there so much faster?

Mr Mainwaring: Fly, you fools.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 20, 2013, 01:00:55 PM
Excuse me Mr Bumble, but how are we supposed to get to Norwich?

NA: If you think it's so easy, you should try it!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 20, 2013, 01:03:15 PM
Why are you on the ceiling?

New AWOL: Jiggly Puffs make good snacks.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on January 20, 2013, 01:04:35 PM
Why don't you just throw the last of that crap cereal out?

New answer: 20, if you don't count the last 3.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 20, 2013, 01:19:58 PM
So, have we got twenty?

Nymeria: There's this nice little Taiwanese place down the road.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on January 20, 2013, 01:30:34 PM
Do you know any good massage parlours?

New answer: With one hand tied behind his back and pair of latex underpants.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 20, 2013, 01:41:50 PM
Can you give me an example of a sentence that is in desperate need of this spare indefinite article I have in my pocket?

New toothbrush: We made him walk the plank.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 20, 2013, 02:58:33 PM
What happened to Ma's dreamy boyfriend?


New Answer: field of dreams with a sprinkling of weeds
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 20, 2013, 03:52:53 PM
Can you think of an answer to which I couldn't think of a question for?

Rewsnawen: Because I like backwards, I was born backwardly.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 20, 2013, 03:58:50 PM
Why is there a page missing from your copy of the Kama Sutra?

New idea: He was snatched by a barn owl.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 20, 2013, 04:01:30 PM
How did Bran get into that game of Giant Badminton?

Old Idea: 5 a day
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 20, 2013, 04:07:00 PM
How many times a day do you avoid eating fruit and vegetables?

old bugger: It is not possible to neuter a parsnip.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 20, 2013, 04:12:50 PM
Scalpel. Scalpel! Will you give me the bloody scalpel?

New Bed: It was like that before I completely destroyed it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 20, 2013, 07:03:59 PM
What happened to this copy of Man Who Wore Bristled Shoes to Middleclass?


new answer: The one on the left.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 21, 2013, 02:50:18 AM
Which of sprocket's testicles do you prefer?

new sense: I tore the corner off.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 21, 2013, 04:03:05 PM
How did you manage to free Ms Pumpernickel Spandex LaToots from her too-tight corset?


new answer: peppermint extract
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 21, 2013, 05:02:20 PM
How would you complete this sentence ... The magician disappeared in a puff of?

new sprocket: He left a trail of them behind him wherever he went.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 22, 2013, 03:44:39 PM
So, a rabbit with diarrhea still has pellet poop?


New answer: falling over in a heap
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 22, 2013, 05:44:37 PM
What's your preferred sexual position?

New dingo: Stop him, he's trotting off with my baby!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 22, 2013, 06:14:59 PM
What did the mare yell after her estranged stallion's departure?

New answer: helpfully and hopefully
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 23, 2013, 02:10:43 AM
How should a woman of sixty approach a night of debauchery?

New gate: Inside a snowball.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 23, 2013, 07:24:01 AM
hahahahahahahahahaha  ;D ;D ;D


Where is a great place to hide your unset diamonds?


new answer: Franklin and Napoleon
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on January 23, 2013, 08:48:57 AM
Provide two suitable names for those self-important and arrogant creatures we call cats. (I'm a dog person; can you tell?)

New answer: Silk, batteries, and whole mess of whipped cream.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 23, 2013, 08:52:39 AM
What are major purchases after reading "Fifty Shades of Gray"?

(I haven't read the book so I don't really know if this is true.)



New answer: daffodils, lots of daffodils
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 23, 2013, 10:24:34 AM
What do lonely, wandering, poets dressed in fluffy white cardigans, see a lot of?

New answer: My next-door-neighbour's dog wears pyjamas at night.
This is actually true.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 23, 2013, 12:18:24 PM
Why are you peeping into your neighbor's windows all night?



New answer: The yellow brick bridge.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 23, 2013, 05:20:52 PM
Which one did Patti make with her Logo?

New Scaster: I have my own pin ball machine, so we tried it on that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on January 23, 2013, 06:09:16 PM
Where is the strangest place you've ever had sex.

new answer: I don't see why not. It only cost me the bit of spare change I had in my pocket.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 23, 2013, 06:18:30 PM
Did you really pick mark. up at the bar for a quick rendezvous?


new answer: under the table
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on January 23, 2013, 06:24:07 PM
Where did Chicky pick up her latest toy boy?

new answer: we were going swimming, of course.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 24, 2013, 03:25:06 AM
Where are you taking my penguin?

New Spaper: She was amazing: great in bed, intelligent, witty, and she carried a dried truffle with her and would sometimes grate a little on her food when we dined out.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: mhad on January 24, 2013, 04:22:18 AM
Quote
She was amazing: great in bed, intelligent, witty, and she carried a dried truffle with her and would sometimes grate a little on her food when we dined out.

Q: How was Barcelona?

A: A little on the dirty side.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 24, 2013, 04:49:34 AM
How are your fingernails?

New Spulletin: That's the best way to get rid of them.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on January 24, 2013, 09:01:19 AM
Have you ever acted like a complete anti-social animal when your in-laws come to visit?

New answer: Fresh berries and cream work the best.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 24, 2013, 06:00:21 PM
Do you know a cure for athlete's foot?

New Romantic: The buttons are quite small, but it is possible to type with your nose if your really must.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on January 24, 2013, 08:13:27 PM
How would you suggest someone whose just been transformed into an aardvark should type?

new answer: It was just after last call and there wasn't a soothsayer at hand.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 25, 2013, 09:46:28 AM
What in the world made you think that you could actually get away with taking Mark. out for romantic walk in the moonlight?


New answer:  Unintelligible drivel.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 25, 2013, 10:56:37 AM
What do you write on your blog each day?

Answers, New, one of: It may look like a limp to you, but this is my romantic walk!

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 25, 2013, 01:33:13 PM
What did you shout at Gayle after she left you alone in the moonlight?


New answer: YES, you did!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 25, 2013, 03:06:47 PM
I didn't come first did I?

New Inn: I thought it was a green woodpecker.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 25, 2013, 07:44:22 PM
I see you have painted your genitalia green, why?


New answer: yes, it was undeserved, but so appreciated.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 26, 2013, 07:39:14 AM
Did you win that gimp mask in the poetry competition?

Newton Abbott: She just vacuumed it off as if nothing had happened.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 26, 2013, 08:06:06 AM
What did Anita Dick, porn star extraordinaire, do after filming?


New answer: flamingos, 27 flamingos
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 26, 2013, 08:34:38 AM
What did Dick "The Bird fancier" Dick, porn star extraordinaire, do after filming?

New Dick: Just behind Nigel's dovecote.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 27, 2013, 07:10:35 AM
Where does Mark. keep his stash of birdie porn?



New answer: Light Sabers and a mace
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 27, 2013, 07:17:22 AM
What does sir Nigel keep in his purse?

Nude Answer: We tried disarming the police but then they couldn't get their helmets off.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 29, 2013, 08:58:12 PM
Why did you make firearms illegal for the insane criminals?


New answer: dirty socks and a thong
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on January 29, 2013, 09:00:22 PM
What was the winner-take-all pot in last night's game of strip poker?

new answer: Because he was there.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 29, 2013, 09:11:19 PM
Why did you smack Mark. over the head with a hot frying pan?


new answer: The letters Y and Z
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on January 29, 2013, 09:13:38 PM
Which letters were missing from your alphabet soup?

New answer: That would be the most likely answer.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 29, 2013, 09:15:10 PM
Are writers all insane?


New answer: I saw it on Fox News.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on January 29, 2013, 09:19:08 PM
How did you know that rumour was all lies?

New answer: That's how you get to the top.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: wayne g on January 30, 2013, 07:18:10 AM
Spend years trampling over people.

That's your best chance of being a published writer.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on January 30, 2013, 07:02:41 PM
Have you thought about self publishing?


She had very pointy ears.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 31, 2013, 03:54:33 AM
What is the most well know fact about about Beatrix Potter?

The dwarf was trying to escape.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 31, 2013, 07:19:34 PM
Why are you holding the doggy door closed?


New answer: pepperoni pizza and a diet soda
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 01, 2013, 03:16:34 AM
If you were to be hung for treason, what would chose for your last meal?

New A. I cleaned out the log shed and put it in there.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 01, 2013, 08:25:57 AM
Where did you put the corpse?



New answer: a long time ago and in a place far, far way
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 01, 2013, 08:39:17 AM
When did you last see your navel?

New A: I found it in Denmark, under a Dane.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 01, 2013, 09:27:00 AM
I heard Queen Beatrix is retiring; where was she last seen?


new answer: Star Wars without Yoda
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: ma100 on February 01, 2013, 09:32:57 AM
Was Yoda trying to get a membership to MWC

New A:On the Olymp-inks threads.  >:D

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 01, 2013, 11:35:52 AM
Where can we find Ma?


New answer: flossing without brushing
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 01, 2013, 12:29:34 PM
What is this new way you have of cleaning your bottom?

I only joined for the free hat.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 01, 2013, 03:57:50 PM
Why did you join the Shriners?



new answer: 258 elephants
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on February 01, 2013, 09:33:08 PM
What was Mark. hiding in his trousers?

new answer: There, behind the hedge with the squirrels.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 02, 2013, 03:18:50 AM
Were did you lose your virginity?

Novum responsum: He believes that in a previous life he worked as an "oiler" at the Roman baths.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 02, 2013, 06:25:15 PM
What is he doing with that sponge on a stick?



new answer: floride for floozies
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 17, 2013, 03:47:33 PM
Why did you invent the bristle tipped condom?

Nude answer: I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on February 17, 2013, 06:33:42 PM
Have you ever considered getting a penis extension?

Why did you invent the bristle tipped condom?
As a woman, may I just say: "Ouch!".

New answer: He had to, just to stay warm.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 18, 2013, 05:18:41 PM
Why was the man at the bus stop found with his hands shoved down his pants?



new answer: Pickled beets.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on February 18, 2013, 05:51:45 PM
What do you call a musical performance when the musicians all get drunk just before going on stage?

New answer: a free lunch
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 19, 2013, 03:29:29 AM
Can you name one unexpected additional benefit of oral sex?

New gate: I cut it in half, scooped out the seeds, then baked it in a hot oven for 30 minutes.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 20, 2013, 07:17:39 AM
Dear Husband, what did you do with my favorite pet cucumber?



new answer: petunias
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: trev on February 20, 2013, 08:12:20 AM
Your cooking don't improve Chick, what was that I have just eaten?



 New answer.   She put it on my finger three times before she was satisfied.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on February 20, 2013, 06:41:37 PM
So, did you enjoy shopping for cigar cutters?

Noob Answer: I thought it was a magnifying glass.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 23, 2013, 04:56:36 PM
Why did you give your lover a monocle as a gift on valentine's day?

Ganz neu lysung: she liked the size, the shape, the colour, everything.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on February 23, 2013, 07:54:25 PM
Did she like the magnifying glass?

Ginyu Force: a tambourine and a stethoscope.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 24, 2013, 04:25:14 AM
Besides a drug-crazed grin, a vacuous personality, and a total lack of self respect, what are the only things you need to make it big in popular music?

New usurper: Paint them with linseeds oil.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 24, 2013, 07:51:02 AM
What should we do with Patti's wrinkles?


new answer: aspartame infused tea
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on February 24, 2013, 12:44:41 PM
What's the quickest way to ruin a perfectly good breakfast?

New answer: Her newts ran away.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 24, 2013, 01:57:01 PM
What happened to the first several Mrs. Gingriches?


new answer: in Italy, of course.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 28, 2013, 09:07:39 AM
Where would you find an out of work Pope?



new answer: an early harbinger of spring
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 28, 2013, 05:59:24 PM
What does your rampant bush portend?

New answer: I put my hands in the air and stepped away from the badger.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 28, 2013, 06:32:38 PM
What happened when the undercover policeman showed you his credentials?



new answer: oh my, that's impressive!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on March 01, 2013, 12:54:01 AM
Have you ever seen Mark. in a state of undress?
(I'll leave it for each of you to decide if the answer is sarcastic or not.)

New answer: It may not be Victoria's secret, but it's best no to announce it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 01, 2013, 03:09:01 AM
Do people know that Vicki is really a man?

New answer: It was so cold I was tempted to put my clothes back on.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 01, 2013, 08:26:39 AM
Asked of the nude male model, "Are you always so, errrrrr, underendowed?"



new answer: thongs and a whip
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on March 01, 2013, 11:52:28 AM
What was discovered in Miss Manners wardrobe after her death.

New answer: Anyone who takes the last glass of wine from the bottle without opening a new one.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 01, 2013, 12:06:46 PM
What is the meaning of the word: plonktruffler?

New answer: She'd heard people talking about a vibraphone and got totally the wrong idea.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 01, 2013, 12:21:12 PM
Why was the woman weeping in the sex toys department of the "adult" store?



new answer: flamingos, silly.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 01, 2013, 12:27:48 PM
What is the main ingredient of you infamous mock-flamingo casserole?

New hand sir? A banana in a holster.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 01, 2013, 03:05:45 PM
What is a euphemism for a penis in a condom?



new answer: dynamite and a fuse
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 01, 2013, 06:18:32 PM
Since you started watching Homeland you seem distracted; what's on your mind?

New answer: My NAS drive is haunted.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Justin S on March 05, 2013, 03:32:26 AM
Why is your iPhone typing texts on its own?

New answer: thirteen stray cats

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 05, 2013, 01:44:13 PM
What did Ma's sister bring with her when moving in?


new answer: blackberries and lemon juice
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on March 05, 2013, 06:08:14 PM
WHAT did you put in this?

Feline attention
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 05, 2013, 06:16:16 PM
What can make the family dog go berserk?



new answer: suspenders and a bow tie
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on March 05, 2013, 06:29:21 PM
What are the doctors favourite accessories?

River Song
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 10, 2013, 05:02:09 AM
Can you find an anagram of: servo ring?

New ans: It seemed to go on for hours and my finger started to ache.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 10, 2013, 06:29:40 PM
What happened when you lost your place in the score for Beethoven's Fourth Symphony while playing the piano?


new answer: lots of lint
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 10, 2013, 07:05:54 PM
What kind of stuff can you eat on your new diet?

New one: I was simply explaining that people who don't like jazz lack any kind of musical heart.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on March 10, 2013, 10:20:25 PM
How did that pub fight start?

new answer: Only if you have whipped cream.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on March 11, 2013, 12:36:58 AM
Would you like some apple pie?

And, so, they flopped.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 11, 2013, 02:52:48 AM
What was the last line to that joke about the bunny girl's ears?

New answer: I rode into the city in triumph, on the back of a giant turtle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: trev on March 12, 2013, 08:11:39 AM

I was told it was a VW Beetle,

N,A I tried very hard not to scratch it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 12, 2013, 05:35:26 PM
What happened after you got a spider bit on your fat arse?



new answer: cantaloupes - three of them
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 13, 2013, 12:14:22 PM
If you put Trev's fat arse on one side of the scales, what would you need to put on the other side?

New ans: Although she was American, she cussed like an Englishman.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 13, 2013, 12:21:03 PM
Why did you fall so fatuously in love with Spell Chick?



new answer. NO, you miserable twitwad
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 17, 2013, 06:41:23 AM
What if I put Nutella on it, would you then?

New answer: men in towelling, bath robes and Wellington boots are a common sight round here.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 17, 2013, 08:43:24 AM
What are them like in your neighborhood?



new answer: wombats on steroids
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on March 17, 2013, 10:45:33 AM
How are scientists planning to combat imported plants that are "pushing out" native species of plants?

New answer: the last of the eccentric perverts.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 17, 2013, 02:44:57 PM
What is Mark.'s fond nickname at MWC?


New answer: fennel seeds in a funnel
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on April 01, 2013, 06:30:17 PM
What the Fins are smoking these days.


New answer: Lost directions to a roundabout
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: trev on April 04, 2013, 08:33:35 AM


285 miles down the wrong motorway.


 New answer. It went in sideways and the colour was wrong
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on April 05, 2013, 01:04:36 AM
What the hell did you do to that pregnancy test?

Newspaper Boy: Extra, Extra, you really need something to freshen your breath.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on April 05, 2013, 08:19:42 PM
What did the telemarketer say just before the annoyed homeowner slammed the phone down?

New answer: It was like farts in a bottle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Pale Writer on April 05, 2013, 08:26:46 PM
 
How was sleeping in the same sleeping bag, with him?

New Answer: Because witches don't float.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on April 05, 2013, 08:31:54 PM
Why did you dive in to save your mother-in-law when she fell into the river?

New answer: a bottle of champagne, a shared joint, and a bicycle built for two.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Pale Writer on April 05, 2013, 08:37:18 PM
What are 3 things that are not square?

New Answer: A blade of summer grass.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on April 05, 2013, 10:19:02 PM
What is the latest instrument to join the hillbilly orchestra.

New answer: Last stop on the Love Express.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: trev on April 08, 2013, 08:29:07 AM

What was it that put you're back out?


New answer. Picking doggy doo, doos, up  with a shovel.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on April 08, 2013, 06:57:35 PM
What inspired you to build a vacuum-powered pooper scooper?

New answer: What a good idea!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 09, 2013, 07:40:44 PM
Shall we go off and see if we can find a real man who knows both how to write and how to cook?


New answer: Sex, drugs, and waltzing
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on April 11, 2013, 07:40:38 AM
What was the Victorian equivalent to Sex, Drugs and Rock'n'Roll?

Newquay: Damn you, autocorrect.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 11, 2013, 04:19:08 PM
Why did you just call me an elephant?



new answer: ghosts in the machine
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on April 12, 2013, 12:20:13 PM
Who farted?

Newbery Quilt: I'm so sick of popeye.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 13, 2013, 09:52:53 PM
What was Olive Oyl saying as she sobbed and blubbered.



New answer: fortified goat's milk
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on April 14, 2013, 11:50:06 AM
What makes Mark boogie so?

Newsreader: They've shoved those two words together, anything can happen now.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 14, 2013, 06:23:44 PM
I see you have a National Enquirer, what sort of "news" is in that "paper"?


new answer, st-st-stuttering
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: trev on April 16, 2013, 06:12:48 AM

Nine times she said EASTER DAY WARD, before I realized she was saying EAST - TO - A WARD  It's true


Frogs are not the only thing jumping
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 16, 2013, 11:39:23 AM
What was causing all that rustling noise behind the bushes near the frog pond?



new answer: a mechanized broomstick
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on April 16, 2013, 01:20:13 PM
Who assaulted you?

Newk Lear War: The Lambada and a handful of pencil shavings.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on April 17, 2013, 01:44:24 AM
What are 2 things that have no point?

New answer: A spring in his step and a jingle in his trousers.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 17, 2013, 06:08:56 AM
See that little kid on the pogo stick with all the pebbles in his pocket - what's he got?


new answer: portabella mushrooms
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on April 18, 2013, 01:09:53 PM
What are you hiding behind that beautiful door?

New answer: He took the stick out of the mud.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 18, 2013, 06:40:49 PM
Where did he get that stick shoved so firmly up his arse?


new answer: printer ink
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on April 19, 2013, 02:58:56 AM
What's HAL's favourite tipple?

New answer: I couldn't get the sodding pod bay doors open.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 19, 2013, 12:17:15 PM
Why is this spaceship still parked here and Grand Central Space Station?


new answer: Windows 8
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on April 19, 2013, 01:24:11 PM
What will you give me for this plastic bottle cap?

New answer: He had a fat pigeon called Keith, who followed him wherever he went.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 20, 2013, 08:52:54 AM
What do you know about the Birdman of Alcatraz?


new answer: Nutella and Marmite
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on April 20, 2013, 02:50:41 PM
What's your favourite pizza topping, Patti?

New answer: Garlic roasted beetroot with thyme, Puy lentils in olive oil and balsamic dressing, char-grilled baby aubergines, chilled Bollinger, and the promise of some very dirty sex instead of dessert.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 20, 2013, 07:52:20 PM
What's your favorite weekend past time, Mark?


New answer: luminescent eyes
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 2par on April 20, 2013, 11:31:35 PM
what does Olivia Wilde have that I don't have?

next answer:   because Shakespeare is dead.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 21, 2013, 07:04:37 AM
Why are there no new great plays being presented in our beautiful, modern, fantastic theaters?


new answer: cucumber salad
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on April 21, 2013, 07:57:37 AM
In your so called "green" Christianity spin-off, what represents the body of Christ?

He trained dolphins to sniff out Islamic fundamentalists, but when we released them they swam off and we never saw them again. To be honest, it was a big disappointment.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 21, 2013, 10:26:02 AM
What was the latest project of the Archbishop of Canterbury?


new answer: sharks with frickin' laser beams attacked to their heads.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on April 21, 2013, 11:07:44 AM
What do yo want for your Birthday, Patti?

New answer: I liked it, but it made my urine go a funny colour.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 21, 2013, 11:21:56 AM
What did you think after drinking a quart of grenadine syrup?


new answer: in the attic
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: 2par on April 21, 2013, 02:48:27 PM
honey, where do you want the swimming pool?

new answer:  because people don't have accents when they speak in their native languages.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 24, 2013, 02:40:14 PM
How did you understand that Maldavian's acceptance speech?


new answer: fortified with Vitamin Q
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: sugy on April 25, 2013, 07:02:31 AM
Scientist: "As you know this blue solution is used to improve our IQ, now tell me what is it fortified with?"

Blue solution??  ...ink stupid!  ;D 


New Answer: just a bean sprout
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on April 25, 2013, 02:43:46 PM
So, you have started your new diet; what did you have for lunch?


new answer: Toto and Dorothy
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on April 27, 2013, 02:03:55 AM
Who were the most iconic philosophical thinkers of the twentieth century?

New answer: We were playing Cribbage and I had a flush and one for his knob.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 11, 2013, 05:01:23 AM
Do you remember what you were doing when you heard that JFK had been assassinated?

New answer: I thought it was very poor taste.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 11, 2013, 09:29:42 AM
Did you try the white rhino steak with bearnaise sauce?


new answer: Milton Berle's best party dress
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 11, 2013, 09:32:56 AM
What did you find at the bottom of your duffle bag?

New answer: A magic parsnip.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 11, 2013, 09:34:41 AM
What is that you have hidden in your nether regions?


new answer: Buttered parsnips with tarragon
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 11, 2013, 10:44:17 AM
If you were to be hung for crimes against humanity, what would you have for the last but one meal?

New answer: We found him dead on the floor next to a big box of tissues.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 11, 2013, 04:22:36 PM
So, Mark. the autoerotic obsessed neighbor has been missing for two weeks; do you know what happened to him?



new answer: birds chirping near a waterfall
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 11, 2013, 05:02:14 PM
What does it sound like if you let out a sneaky fart while having a wee?

New answer: The bloody woman totally ruined my table tennis bat!

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 16, 2013, 05:27:55 PM
I see your dainty mother in law visited you recently; what did she do?


new answer: licorice sticks and some stones
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 16, 2013, 05:42:14 PM
What are the secret ingredients of your South Carolina soufflé?

New answer: I broke a tooth on a stone.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: jkaram on May 16, 2013, 07:04:46 PM
Question: Why do your esses sound thicker ethes?

New answer: because he steals everything!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2013, 05:00:49 AM
Why is your penguin wearing mittens?

New answer: I had no idea that you could die from sniffing ground or pulverised tobacco leaves, but they've made so many movies about it it must be true.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 17, 2013, 09:22:45 AM
Why did you switch to meth?



new answer: sylvan pathways
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 17, 2013, 09:45:50 AM
Do you know a good place for picking up totty?

New answer: She used a steam iron to try and get rid of the wrinkles on her neck.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 17, 2013, 11:27:54 AM
Did you see Patti's sunburn?


new answer: Royal Air Force uniforms
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 18, 2013, 05:10:11 AM
What is nicer than the smell of napalm in the morning?

New answer: Greasy Sack Blues by Woody Herman.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 21, 2013, 11:13:33 AM
What is the best thing to listen to while eating leftover from the couch cushions French fries?



new answer: Raspberry tart
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 21, 2013, 11:41:40 AM
What is your favourite chewing tobacco flavour?

New answer: I could rub some aloe vera gel into the stump.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on May 21, 2013, 11:46:56 AM
They're destroying the rain forest, that's another tree cut down. What can we do?

New Answering Machine: Dilbert turned sideways.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 21, 2013, 12:11:00 PM
OK he got something sticky on his shirt, then what did he do?

New ankle: She became obsessed with it. Eventually I had to cover it with Marmite. That stopped her.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 22, 2013, 07:47:58 AM
What happened to your organ piano?


New answer: Queen of the May
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on May 22, 2013, 04:05:58 PM
What were Queen originally going to be called before they talked Brian out of insisting his name was included?

Newan: Juggle that tractor.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 24, 2013, 04:35:11 PM
What were Eddie Grundy's dying words?

New *****r: I had no idea that Box was a type of bush, I mean type of hedge, so when she asked me to trim her box I told her I wasn't into that kind do of thing.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: three milk cake on May 30, 2013, 09:25:40 AM
Have you ever spoken with a woman who used a word unfamiliar to you that you mistook its meaning to be sexual?


New Answer: Rabbits are scarier than spiders.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 30, 2013, 09:34:36 AM
Why did you sell you teepee and move your entire family into the attic?

New answer: Clipped his wings.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: three milk cake on May 30, 2013, 01:19:28 PM
Coooo! Sooo, Fred was found selling dope to squabs--coo--what did the mothers do to him?

New Answer: He threw it in the cat's bed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: UltraViolet on June 07, 2013, 11:45:05 AM
What did he do with the mouse when he finally caught it?

New Answer: 1 monkey, 2 cats, 3 dogs, 4 women, 5 kids, and 6 kangaroos.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 07, 2013, 12:57:32 PM
What are the main ingredients of Vegemite?

New answer: He had no thumbs!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: trev on June 10, 2013, 09:37:50 AM

He stood for hours waiting for a lift with his finger in the air.


New answer. Holes in her stockings were not helping.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 10, 2013, 05:55:01 PM
Shouldn't her incontinence pants have held back the flow?

New answer: Lubricating the sprocket.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on June 11, 2013, 02:28:45 PM
Why are you writing poetry?

Newgart: Nougart Pencils don't really work.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on June 13, 2013, 06:40:59 AM
Why isn't Willy-Wonka a best selling author?

The watermelon was actually jelly.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: trev on June 20, 2013, 10:39:43 AM


The reason all my teeth fell out.


  Holding back a sneeze was now option.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 23, 2013, 04:00:51 AM
Do you find that mixing chilli with your coke affects you in any way?

New question: She said we couldn't have sex for health and safety reasons.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: trev on June 24, 2013, 07:17:14 AM

Wing walking has its drawbacks.


New question. Once I put my shoes on it was obvious.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 24, 2013, 07:24:45 AM
How did you discover you were not a mermaid?

New answerve: At the very bottom of the sack.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: trev on June 25, 2013, 05:16:24 AM



  I discovered where Rudolf left his deposit.


New answer; When it fell from a tree
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on June 25, 2013, 08:37:37 AM
When did the shark scream?

because they're more effective.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 25, 2013, 11:58:46 AM
Why did you arm your flying goats with Uzi machine pistols?

New answong: He was searching for his cormorant.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: trev on June 26, 2013, 04:55:20 AM


Why was he playing with himself in the park


New answer; The shape of the jelly put me off.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on June 28, 2013, 10:01:46 AM
Why did you throw the entire feast over-board?

New Answer: My feet were numb
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on June 30, 2013, 07:08:38 AM
What in the name of all that is holy were you thinking when you tried to hang yourself?


new answer: nothing like a good cup of hot choclate
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on June 30, 2013, 10:10:03 AM
Why did you burn all the coffee-growing plants in the world?!


The chalk wasn't chalky enough.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 30, 2013, 10:15:31 AM
Why did you need a less black blackboard?

New answer: Cherry and vanilla scones baked by a naked man on roller-skates.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on June 30, 2013, 10:18:49 AM
What is your fetish?

New answer:  Purple on blue with the slightest taste of death.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 30, 2013, 10:20:44 AM
What is "your" fetish?

New ankle: The bastard ran off with my wig.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on June 30, 2013, 10:30:33 AM
Why did you scalp that child?

New answer: He was too bean-stalky for me.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 30, 2013, 12:02:18 PM
Why did you give Jack the elbow?

New answer: She'd glued it on.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on June 30, 2013, 08:30:08 PM
Why have you been wearing the same jumper for six weeks straight?


The sun smiled at me.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 01, 2013, 04:31:52 PM
Why did you run off and hide in the shed?

New answer: It fell of when she coughed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on July 02, 2013, 08:19:19 AM
What happened to your sisters nail-polish?

It wasn't the same as last time.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 02, 2013, 08:25:53 AM
What is your main gripe with reincarnation?

New answer: He kept writing of when he meant to write off, which indicates that he's a simpleton.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on July 02, 2013, 08:32:37 AM
Why did you sacrifice Mark H to the Gramma Nazi's?


New answer: I just got caught up in the internet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 02, 2013, 08:46:27 AM
How did you get lose your cyber-flippers?

New answer: The problem is, you can only get them in brown.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 02, 2013, 09:08:26 AM
Why haven't you been buying bananas lately?


new answer: toupees and a walking stick
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 02, 2013, 09:14:27 AM
What is the height of chic sophistication in Bognor Regis?

New antwerp: A flamingo stole her tennis ball.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 03, 2013, 07:39:05 AM
Why is that woman playing tennis with hard boiled pink eggs?



new answer: Jogging in Death Valley during a heat wave.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 03, 2013, 05:04:51 PM
How did you lose your virginity?

New one: We strenuously denied it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on July 04, 2013, 04:18:35 PM
How did you avoid getting arrested when you streaked the film premiere?

New answer: The element of surprise works every time.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 04, 2013, 05:22:21 PM
I'm amazed that you've been able to capture so many poets and lock them in your attic for use as sex slaves; how do you do that?

New swerve: I used a plastic teaspoon to dig a tunnel, and if it hadn't been for the mole, I would have made it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on July 04, 2013, 10:42:14 PM
How did you escape from the tedious party?

New answer: a long lost dragon.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 05, 2013, 01:46:54 AM
What are you going to recover in that extremely long, fire-proof trailer?

New answer: I had to use my spatula.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on July 05, 2013, 05:35:15 PM
How did you finally manage to leave the pub last night?

New answer: I forgot about the thong.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 05, 2013, 05:39:48 PM
How did you sprain your tongue?

New answer: I was water-boarding my mother-in-law.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on July 06, 2013, 12:22:34 PM
Why is the basement flooded?

New answer: He nibbled it, bit by bit.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 06, 2013, 12:49:22 PM
How did the elephant eat the peanut?

New answer: She showed me her eggbutt snaffle and I showed her my jointed pelham.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on July 06, 2013, 01:09:41 PM
What are the most non-sensical euphemisms you've ever heard?

New answer: Walking around naked would be too conventional for that crowd.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 06, 2013, 01:19:02 PM
Why did you resign from the Arkhangelsk Unicycling Nudists Association?

New answer: About fifty times a day.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on July 07, 2013, 11:19:56 AM
How often does Ed Miliband try to hyponise Nick Clegg to murder David Cameron?

n/a: Just google it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 07, 2013, 01:27:04 PM
Could you explain the concept behind the web site http://justfuckinggoogleit.com ?

Ans Newser: It's not my fault; how was I to know that Pupping Fope would deny that Catholicism and Spoonerism were of equal validity.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on July 07, 2013, 01:43:53 PM
Why do you have to five a guck?

Any Swenners: They found him under the bed, crying his eyes out about pencil shavings.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on July 07, 2013, 03:34:49 PM
What was the first sign that Edgar Allen Poe was starting to lose his mind?

New Answer: poor vision and three fingers of scotch.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 07, 2013, 03:41:44 PM
What do you need if you are to get through a meal cooked by my first mother-in-law?

New an sir: A retroussé nose and a filthy mind. 
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on July 07, 2013, 05:41:16 PM
What are the 2 things that have little chance of turning a woman on?

new answer: sandpaper and vodka
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 07, 2013, 05:57:52 PM
How do you make a Russian woman come?

New answer: He was just a clone.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on July 07, 2013, 07:02:00 PM
Mark. thought he was being funny, but was he?

new answer: He hadn't had his first coffee yet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 08, 2013, 03:46:54 AM
Why is Rolf's coffee cup clean?

New answer: It was a storm in a teacup.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on July 08, 2013, 11:24:17 PM
What was the result when a down pour ruined Gayle's afternoon of reading and tea outdoors.

new answer: It was like trying to a pick a lock with a wet noodle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 09, 2013, 01:46:53 AM
Did you enjoy having sex with George Bush?

New answer: I need a new message on my answering machine.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on July 10, 2013, 05:37:53 PM
What's your latest rational for why no one ever calls you?

New Answer: He thought she said "Come in."
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on July 10, 2013, 06:47:22 PM
Why did he walk in on her while she was masturbating?

new answer: diplomacy, sprinkled liberally with flattery.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 11, 2013, 03:33:12 AM
How do you talk yourself out of an embarrassing situation, such as walking in on someone while they are masturbating to the music of Nana Mouskouri.

New answer: She had lovely warm hands.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on July 11, 2013, 09:05:28 AM
Why didn't he get home until 5:00 am?

New answer: about as long as it needs to be.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: BrazenStudent on July 13, 2013, 02:31:03 PM
How long should the 2014 Oscars last for?

New answer: Streetwise Jesus
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 14, 2013, 04:15:52 AM
What does God need if he is going to break into the narcotics market?

New answer: Beside the ashes of the camp fire, we found a tuning fork and a used condom.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: BrazenStudent on July 14, 2013, 11:52:07 AM
What happens in the next Hangover movie?

New answer: A narcissist, an acrobat and a defrocked priest.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 17, 2013, 05:25:59 PM
In truth, who are The Father, The Son, and The Holy Goat?

New answer: A kaleidoscope.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 19, 2013, 02:09:50 PM
After a night of debauchery at the Gigolo Strip Club, what was removed from the young man's orifice?


new answer: sparkles, lots of sparkles
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on July 19, 2013, 02:44:00 PM
What fashion Accessory will never become a part of men's underwear design.

New answer: it could be.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 19, 2013, 08:18:15 PM
Is your favorite position propped up in bed and reading a good book?



new answer: free verse, not the paid kind
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 20, 2013, 05:19:59 AM
What do you plan to enter into the current poetry challenge? (For anyone who might have missed it — it's been quite low profile — you can find details here: http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=49131.0)

New answer: It looked like a normal everyday hat, but it wasn't.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on July 20, 2013, 11:14:43 AM
What is James Bond's newest gadget?

New answer: not while I have my strength.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 20, 2013, 11:23:26 AM
Why don't you take a night off?

New answer: I gave her my secret recipe.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 20, 2013, 11:27:19 AM
Why does her Tofu Salad Supreme taste so horribly awfully terrible?


new answer: only with psychiatric care
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 20, 2013, 11:30:46 AM
How did you recover from the trauma of having a meal with no dead sentient creatures in it?

New answer: It's amazing what you can do with couscous.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 20, 2013, 11:32:49 AM
Have you seen my new sculpture resembling Rodin's The Thinker?


new answer: flat as a pancake
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 20, 2013, 12:35:31 PM
Why do you have maple syrup on your chest?

New answer: It was hug a hen day.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on July 20, 2013, 02:38:46 PM
How did Mark get all those scratch marks and those feathers up his nose?

New answer: We always new he was an original.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 20, 2013, 02:46:45 PM
Is it true you sold your great-grandson to a passing collector of rare children?

New answer: I just kept tugging.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 20, 2013, 06:23:58 PM
Where has all your hair gone?


new answer: orchestral music
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DistantSun on July 20, 2013, 06:50:52 PM
Dentist to patient: "I've run out of happy gas... how am I going to put you to sleep before I do your root canal?"


New answer: A fossilised mouse skeleton.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 20, 2013, 07:57:51 PM
What would you like to see Mickey Mouse playing in his next movie?


new answer: foil hats
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 21, 2013, 04:39:11 AM
How do penguins keep their heads warm?

New answer: My bank security question.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 21, 2013, 07:51:48 AM
What, by the name of all that is holy, is the purpose of this sticky note saying: When did I lose my virginity: 34 (no one will know I'm fudging by a couple years) [added by Mum: I do - when do you plan to move out of the basement?]?


New answer: a lemonade stand
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 21, 2013, 10:14:46 AM
What did Corporal Custer have at Little Big Horn?

New answer: With just 12% battery left on my iPad, it was then or never.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: BrazenStudent on July 21, 2013, 10:53:39 AM
When is the ideal time to read Paris Hilton's new eBook, 'My Struggles as a Respectable Woman'?

New answer: Jaywalking, Pepsi-drinking, gun-toting stunt driver.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 21, 2013, 11:36:13 AM
Try and relax — you can have your medication in a minute — now, look at the ink spots and tell me what you see?

New answer: There are several uses for a skewer.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: BrazenStudent on July 21, 2013, 12:18:56 PM
What is Liam Neeson's most quoted line from Taken 3?

New answer: Gunfight at the OK Laundromat.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 21, 2013, 07:12:50 PM
Did you master the last level of Candy Crush?


New answer: filibustering
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 22, 2013, 03:44:40 AM
What's the most disgusting thing you have ever done on a first date?

New answer: I gave the butler a day off.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on July 22, 2013, 10:22:26 AM
How did you get away with playing strip-billiards with the maid?

new answer: About 20 cm (8 inches) long.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 22, 2013, 10:28:39 AM
What is the ideal sized turnip for a greedy girl?

New answer: I suppose it would be possible if I had a snorkel.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: mac000 on July 22, 2013, 11:33:22 AM
Question:  The average times a married couple in Western Cultures have sex.

New Answer:  380 nautical miles
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 23, 2013, 03:32:46 PM
How far is 330.5 statute miles in a pilot's mind?

New answer: It was not easy: we had to use trigonometry and a whole tube of lubricant, but in the end, we achieved it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 24, 2013, 07:50:13 AM
How did you manage to get a picture of your newly minted future king in the arms of an older future king?



new answer: Martha went to market
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 24, 2013, 09:18:04 AM
What's the worst porn film you've ever watched?

New answer: He said he'd be there at 2 pm.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on August 10, 2013, 02:26:03 PM
Why are you sneaking out of the house at 1.55 PM?


new answer: annoying nursery rhyme music
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on August 10, 2013, 02:32:38 PM
What constitutes justifiable homicide of an ice cream truck driver?

New answer: too many late nights.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on August 10, 2013, 02:50:32 PM
You are looking the worse for wear, what happened?


new answer: reptiles and the odd toad
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on August 10, 2013, 05:17:57 PM
Who are his favourite bed-fellows?

New answer: It was the only way he could improve his chances.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 10, 2013, 06:19:12 PM
Why did he leave a trail of $50 bills from the street to his bedroom?

She enjoyed it immensely.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on August 11, 2013, 07:40:21 AM
Why is he wearing a Richard Nixon mask?



new answer: tortillas with extra cheese
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 11, 2013, 07:52:04 AM
If you were to be hung, say for crimes against humanity, what would you have for your final meal?

New answer: Hidden in the heel of a patent leather shoe.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on August 22, 2013, 09:02:49 PM
Where does Mark keep his brain?

New answer: 8 cocktails and a pogo stick.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 23, 2013, 03:25:36 AM
What are the nine most useless gadgets on your Canadian Army knife?

It should be OK if you shave her.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on August 28, 2013, 04:56:38 PM
Are you permitted to have conjugal visits with female gorillas held at the zoo?



Not with THAT hat.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 30, 2013, 03:53:54 AM
Would you ever take the pope skiing?

New answer: Do you know what it is yet?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on September 02, 2013, 11:36:50 AM
Have you seen Brian's peculiar rash?

New answer: It's as long as it needs to be.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 04, 2013, 06:54:50 PM
How long is the Queen's limousine?


answer: every third Friday
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 05, 2013, 03:44:39 AM
How often did Robinson Crusoe change his shorts?

New answer: Hard skin.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: BrazenStudent on September 10, 2013, 01:36:29 PM
What does Mark have when he forgets to moisturise?

New answer: A veteran with a drug-addled Chihuahua.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 10, 2013, 02:57:58 PM
Who is your mentor?

New answer: He didn't forget, he just doesn't do that sort of thing; he' not a metrosexual for God's sake!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on September 19, 2013, 11:23:30 AM
Did Mark forget his wife's birthday again?

New answer: Before last call but after all ability to reason has fled.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 20, 2013, 06:32:52 AM
When do you switch off your vibrating donkey?

New answer: Give me a cuddle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on September 20, 2013, 02:03:36 PM
What's the best treatment for loneliness?

New answer: He never seen one before.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 20, 2013, 02:07:12 PM
Why did you send the Frenchman a photograph of a bar of soap?

New answer: He was wearing a wizard's pointy hat and shouting at a magic mushroom.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on September 20, 2013, 02:28:54 PM
But Michael Jackson was so weird anyway: how could you be sure he'd lost his mind?

New answer: He thought it was his last chance.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on October 09, 2013, 08:42:20 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

New Answer: It arrived on Monday the fourty-fifth of January.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on October 09, 2013, 08:55:46 PM
How could you be sure that the parcel was late?

New Answer: On the dining room table, in front of the fire, and by the river.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on October 09, 2013, 09:26:24 PM
What are Snigel's three favourite places for taking his pants off?

New Sansa: The Gunfight at The O.K. Launderette.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 11, 2013, 03:07:20 AM
What is you favourite gay porn movie?

New answer: That only applies in the Northern hemisphere.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 20, 2013, 08:33:53 AM
Have you noticed that in the autumn people stop playing word games and instead keep warm by hopping on the spot?

Fleece lined trousers.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: BrazenStudent on October 22, 2013, 12:29:35 PM
What do you call pants with sewn-in pullovers?

New answer: What happens in Dallas, stays in Dallas.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 22, 2013, 12:33:04 PM
What in God's name happened to Debbie's bottom?!

He had a web cam fitted in the broom cupboard.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: BrazenStudent on October 22, 2013, 12:35:20 PM
How did Harry Potter find out who was nicking his Nimbus?  :P

New answer: Every dog has his day out.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 24, 2013, 07:01:01 AM
Why did you take that rapper to Lego Land?

New answer: I found them in my pocket.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on November 23, 2013, 05:33:19 AM
Where was the Vienna Boys Choir hiding?


New answer: A lump of coal.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 23, 2013, 05:59:07 AM
What won this year's Turner Prize?

New answer: He was so upset he even cried from his false eyeball.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on November 23, 2013, 06:48:08 AM
What happened to one eyed Jack?


New answer:

He rode his ostrich in the opposite direction of the finish line.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 23, 2013, 06:54:44 AM
I had to leave the Perverts Ball early to go and visit a dying relative, how did Sir Nigel get on in the Boff The Person on Your Left competition?

New answer: That's the sexual equivalent of mathematical imaginary numbers.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on November 23, 2013, 09:36:49 AM
How did his girlfriend react when he tried to tell that he didn't have to use a condom because pregnancy could be avoided by using the "inverted butterfly" position?

New answer: It was twice as long as it needed to be.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 23, 2013, 10:33:03 AM
Why did you bite off the first half?

New answer: He was chanting like a Gregorian monk.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 23, 2013, 12:02:03 PM
What was your first clue that Justin Bieber lacked vocal talent?

New answer: I found it in the potato bin.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 23, 2013, 12:10:59 PM
I thought you'd lost your faith?

New answer: She was bending over; I had a clear shot; I took it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 23, 2013, 12:32:07 PM
Um . . . why is your thing in a sling?

New answer: The first one I had was purple.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 23, 2013, 12:35:52 PM
So Trixie is your ... what ... second wife?

New answer: We gave them paneer and told them it was meat; they were non the wiser.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 23, 2013, 12:43:05 PM
Why did you volunteer to cater the Cattlemen's Association dinner?

New answer: It's always the second one from the right.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 23, 2013, 12:45:15 PM
How do you know which of your testicles is the left one?

New answer: She made me take my hat off.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on November 23, 2013, 01:19:27 PM
Why did you kick that poor girl outta bed?

New answer: Eleven seems to be the appropriate number.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on November 23, 2013, 01:58:20 PM
How many fingers should a masseuse have?

New answer: He was trying to collect the whole set.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 01, 2013, 01:12:00 AM
Why is Mark obsessively buying vintage nipple clamps?

Wanser: It fell from the sky, so we made it into a doggy bed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 01, 2013, 06:30:36 AM
What happened the first time you Norfolk people saw snow?

Nanswer: We auctioned the nipple clamp collection and made a fortune.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 01, 2013, 08:30:31 AM
Why is Mark looking so depressed?

Nancy Boy: The dog was stuck to the pavement for at least a week.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 01, 2013, 10:36:27 AM
This hot dog is scrummy, what's your secret?

Confession: Hardly surprising once Anne Summers became Police and Crime Commissioner. 
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 03, 2013, 08:58:49 PM
Can anyone explain why prostitution and indecency arrests have declined so dramatically?

Necromancer: Only a few were deemed edible.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 04, 2013, 01:52:56 AM
Why are you throwing away all those flavoured condoms?

Nexus Anger: I had a good answer but I forgot it about halfway through.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 04, 2013, 04:13:35 AM
What motivated you to become Archbishop of Canterbury?

New auger: Everywhere I looked there were teeth, thousands of them, it was terrifying.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 04, 2013, 04:21:01 AM
So, how was the annual muff diving competition?

New kid gets his block knocked off: fnsljdsn njndjc jcjd nfs o.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 04, 2013, 04:29:17 AM
What's the sweetest love poem your dyslexic girlfriend has ever written for you?

ljhj gy j: A prosthetic ear. 
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 04, 2013, 09:04:23 AM
What do you wear when you're not playing Vincent Van Gogh?

Ninja wanker: We tried but there were simply too many of them.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 04, 2013, 10:14:12 AM
Did you keep up with the ninja wankers?

Ninny Angler: We played baseball, there were only seven of us though.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 04, 2013, 10:24:09 AM
What's the first thing you did after they emptied the  psych ward?

Naughty auntie: I certainly didn't expect it to turn up here.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on December 05, 2013, 11:18:37 AM
Why did you seem so taken aback by Don's roguishly debonair hat?

(I love your avatar, Don.)

New Anatomy: I didn't know they came in that colour.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 06, 2013, 03:47:20 AM
What shocked you most about the little green men?

Nowa odpowiedź: She had a hairy back and a club foot.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 08, 2013, 12:18:56 AM
Quote
(I love your avatar, Don.)

Thanks, Gayle. One nice feature is that I can flip it over and sit there looking forlorn. People will put money in it.


What attracted you to your new girlfriend?

Nude artichoke: You can't always find them this time of year.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 08, 2013, 06:13:26 AM
Where are my children?

Fellatio Uncle Choke:  As disgusting as it sounds, he found it in his hat amongst the coins.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 08, 2013, 08:36:20 AM
Did I just see Don throwing out a used condom?

Nasty asparagus: There were only two left, so I took both.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 08, 2013, 09:17:50 AM
How come there are no virgins left in Virginia?

noOOO inflectION: She was one of those new-age chicks who wore earnings made from toast.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 08, 2013, 09:51:46 AM
Did you see that woman with a billfold filled with dried bread?



New answer: Terrible headaches and some red welts
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 08, 2013, 10:02:58 AM
What are the symptoms of running without your bra on?

Considered response: Afterwards she gave me a cup of tea and a piece of shortbread. The tea was far too strong and the shortbread tasted like the contents of a vacuum cleaner.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 08, 2013, 11:07:58 AM
So, I hear you were rewarded for you prowess in bed, what happened?



new answer: The time was ripe or perhaps even overripe.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 08, 2013, 11:39:28 AM
Why do you think your fruit wristwatches failed to take off?

First Response: She had striking red fowler flaps.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on December 08, 2013, 01:51:16 PM
Mark, were you just stalking a 70-year-old woman?

New answer: Hard-wearing knicker elastic.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 08, 2013, 02:49:35 PM
How do you keep your merkin from blowing away in the wind?

New perambulator: It was the gutsiest move I ever saw, man.



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on December 08, 2013, 06:44:49 PM
Did you see Ollie retrieve her merkin and stick it back on with Elmer's?

Nifty avocado: There simply weren't enough to go around.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 30, 2013, 12:28:29 PM
What was the problem with George Bush's brain cells?

New Answer: I will, but only if you hold my hand through the whole traumatic incident.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 31, 2013, 02:43:21 PM
Sprocket has made a new game. Are you going to go play it?

Slanty Meccano: They make them out of teflon.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 31, 2013, 05:07:03 PM
What is the secret to Russian gussets?

New something: I like girls, I don't care how big their bottoms are.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on December 31, 2013, 05:39:02 PM
Is big bottomed girls your favourite Queen song?

Something, something, dark side: It was a Star Wars parody, apparently.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 01, 2014, 07:16:55 AM
Why did he paint his penis fluorescent green and beat you over the head with it?

Something answer: I'd been sucking a pebble.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 14, 2014, 12:39:39 PM
What were you doing during the hiatus caused by no one playing this game?

New answer: There is no way that can be legal.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: BrazenStudent on February 14, 2014, 04:03:17 PM
How come someone was arrested at a Justin Bieber concert, allegedly because their gun jammed?

New answer: Hell hath no fury like a woman mourned.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on March 16, 2014, 09:51:53 AM
Do think she'll mind that you waited until she was dead to bring her flowers?


New answer:  They found it with Michael Jackson's Chimp.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gayle on March 16, 2014, 12:01:51 PM
Where was the missing shipment of condoms?

New answer: It was "last call" on St. Patrick's Day, and he had no other option.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on March 16, 2014, 02:19:30 PM

Why was Vladimir Putin seen wearing green leotards and tiptoeing out of Crimea in curly toed shoes?



New answer: How did Corky lose her way?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on May 14, 2014, 11:49:08 PM
Can you answer this question with a completely random question?

Newquay Sanctuaries: He needed an ego boost, so we sent him into the woods alone until he killed something really big.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on November 28, 2014, 01:06:55 AM
Where's Brian?

New Pantser: lost luggage and cost cabbage.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 30, 2014, 08:20:46 AM
Why is there no employee working the lost and found counter?



Newish reply
Three turtles and hens and some damn bird in a tree
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 25, 2015, 06:47:34 AM
Besides a cauldron and a big spoon, what do you need to do the spell to ward off Frenchmen?

New answer: At the time, I was playing Monopoly with a hamster named Nibbler.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Gyppo on January 25, 2015, 08:20:17 AM
Why did you let the light go out on the Wolf Rock Lighthouse?

New answer:  It's a rollerskating aardvark in purple pyjamas.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: WordBird on January 25, 2015, 09:00:13 AM
Question:  What the hell is that?         


New Answer:  They don't.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: asvasv on January 25, 2015, 09:57:53 AM

Question:  Does your employer provide you with an all-expense paid 20 day vacation to any resort in the world every month like mine does?


New Answer:  Mickey and Minnie
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 25, 2015, 05:42:49 PM
What are the most common children's names in Orlando?

New answer: That's the kind of thing that can happen when a classically trained guitarist meets a girl with a large jar of peanut butter.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: WordBird on January 30, 2015, 09:21:59 AM
How in the hell did Ritchie Blackmore manage to still play the guitar whilst his fingers were seeming stuck to that chick's boobs?


New Answer:  Because I told you so.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 30, 2015, 09:38:22 AM
Why should I believe in Kantian empirical realism?

New answer: I chewed through my own leg to escape the shackles and then I hopped home.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 01, 2015, 06:08:23 PM
Where did you disappear to last night after our date?

New Answer: There's no good answer for that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 02, 2015, 04:57:05 AM
Why do you have a stuffed hummingbird pinned to your anorak?

New answer: Wasabi face scrub.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 02, 2015, 07:50:56 AM
What's the latest cure for wrinkles?

New Answer: I ate it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 02, 2015, 08:24:58 AM
Where is my manuscript?

New answer: I became suspicious when I spotted that so many jazz musicians were called Art or Artie; it's freaky, man!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 02, 2015, 08:43:02 AM
So, how'd you end up in the looney bin this time?


New Answer: They shoved me into laundry hamper and threw me out of an airplane. 
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 02, 2015, 08:57:37 AM
What did the nuns do to you when they caught you reading Richard Dawkins?

New answer: No not at all; prior to that I'd been stranded on a desert Island with a Welshwoman called Thursday.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 02, 2015, 09:12:30 AM
Was that stripper named Meatflap the first girlfriend you ever lived with?

New Answer: I stumbled over it and haven't been able to get back up since.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 02, 2015, 09:55:18 AM
Did you see the size of the pile of cocaine in the CIO's office?!

New answer: It's an old Northern tradition, there's no harm in it, assuming you are not allergic to clams.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: WordBird on February 03, 2015, 01:10:53 PM
Question:  What is Cans and Clams anyway?

New Answer:  Well of course cats always land on their feet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 04, 2015, 06:09:36 PM
Is it true that straight after going bankrupt, Cat Woman won the lottery?

New answer: She shouted, "epiglottis," and ran off into the woods with an ostrich feather in her hand.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 07, 2015, 12:04:05 PM
Do you know what happened after John Smith forced Pocahontas to eat fried chitterlings?

New Answer: I've got better things to do with my time, thank you very much.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 07, 2015, 12:15:09 PM
Will you sell me your watch?

New answer: A curly orange merkin.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 07, 2015, 12:26:16 PM
If you didn't pick them up during sex, where did those crabs come from?

New Answer: I lost my two front teeth, broke my back and ruptured an ear drum all at the exact same time.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DistantSun on February 07, 2015, 01:21:54 PM
No, I haven't tried dancing on tables after consuming a bottle of tequila before - what's the worst that could happen?

New Answer: I'm sorry, but I have no idea who you are.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 07, 2015, 01:29:54 PM
Do you prefer it with the lights on or off?

New answer: She won't let me listen to Lambert, Hendricks, and Ross!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 08, 2015, 09:40:13 AM
What inspired these homicidal/suicidal thoughts of yours?

New Answer: I went to Walmart and bought a high-power BB gun, to put an end to it once and for all.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 08, 2015, 09:53:12 AM
How are you going to get rid of the wart on your scrotum?

New answer: It was like stroking a squirrel with one hand, while the other was submerged in a bucket of warm, soapy water.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 08, 2015, 11:06:56 AM
So I heard you gave your first pap smear?

New Answer: I ran out of there screaming, "You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!"
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 08, 2015, 11:31:25 AM
What did you do when your publisher offered a 3 book deal?

New answer: All my pants are brown, but my socks are gray.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 09, 2015, 07:12:49 PM
Do you remember the words to California Dreamin'?

New answer: There's only one other way to do this.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 10, 2015, 03:13:18 AM
When I shout NOW, you set fire to your hat to distract them, and I'll make a run for it, OK?

New answer: There was some left over cabbage.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DistantSun on February 10, 2015, 10:50:30 AM
How the heck are we going to eat all that sauerkraut?

New answer: I'm sorry, but we're going to have to amputate the left foot.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 10, 2015, 11:11:38 AM
Go on then, tell me, how are you gonna stop me chasing other women?!

New answer: My psychiatrist said I shouldn't talk to you anymore.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 10, 2015, 09:07:31 PM
Do you really think you can ignore me forever?

New answer: I'll wait until it cools off before I pick it up.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 11, 2015, 02:54:17 AM
Ouch; what are you going to do about your sun-burnt penis?

New answer: I used to be the front man in a band but when my flugelhorn was stolen, I became despondent a took up modern dance.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 11, 2015, 09:27:44 PM
How did you end up with two left feet?

New answer: Mother has been dating an Albanian seal trainer.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 12, 2015, 02:25:05 AM
Why did she lose her MILF status?

New answer: It's just about possible if you wear a snorkel.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 12, 2015, 09:23:01 AM
How in the heck do you live in that little apartment, as filthy as it is, let alone breathe?

New Answer: You'll need a ratchet set, two bananas and a Sawzall.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 12, 2015, 09:57:05 AM
Could you get me a job as a presidential aid?

New answer: It kinda tickled.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 12, 2015, 10:06:30 AM
So, how did it feel to be beaten up by an angry midget?

New Answer: I just can't wrap my head around it; I've tried.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 12, 2015, 10:20:06 AM
What's up with you and that turban?

New answer: It's called flapping to equilibrium.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 12, 2015, 10:27:34 AM
I've seen you stagger around drunk many times, but what in the world would you call that?

New Answer: I've told you a thousand times, I am not for sale!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 13, 2015, 05:57:59 AM
Mr Patel has offered a rather splendid dowry including: a sack of lentils, a corkscrew, and partly sucked mint humbug; is that sufficient?

New answer: Everyone's getting fat 'cept Mummy Rat.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: kateD on February 13, 2015, 05:14:07 PM
Who moved my cheese?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: kateD on February 13, 2015, 05:15:09 PM
Oops, new answer: It sunk to the ocean floor with others like it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 13, 2015, 05:34:18 PM
When you lost your mind, where did it go?

New Answer: Bleach and a little ammonia will cure it every single time.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 13, 2015, 05:51:02 PM
What are your plans to eradicate racism?

New answer: I'll be ready once I've sharpened my pencil.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: kateD on February 13, 2015, 06:11:30 PM
Get on the stick Boy, we haven't got all day! What are you waiting for?

Answer: That should hold 'em for a good long while.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 14, 2015, 04:27:35 AM
Why did you use duct tape to attach your slippers to your feet?

New answer: The scientists were trying to find out if it is possible to produce an enigmatic fart.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: kateD on February 14, 2015, 08:38:42 AM
What were those men doing with the cans of beans and cigarette lighter?

Answer: I don't care what anybody thinks, I feel a lot better now.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 14, 2015, 08:56:32 AM
Don't you think you went a bit far beating your lawyer with a ridding crop?

New answer: Fifty shades of ginger.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 14, 2015, 09:56:17 AM
What do you call fifty red-heads having an orgy?

New Answer: Pickled feet, though not from a hog.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: kateD on February 14, 2015, 10:06:41 AM
What do you get when you stomp grapes after they start to ferment?

Answer: That's what Valentine's Day is REALLY about anyway!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 14, 2015, 10:18:55 AM
You got a thousand dollars to spend?

New Answer: He got worms and sailed off the coast of Candy Apple Island.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 14, 2015, 02:14:08 PM
What happened to the main protagonist in your last novella?

New answer: Although he is 47 he still lives with his mum and sleeps in a bunk bed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 14, 2015, 06:57:30 PM
What ever happened to Tom Cruise's little brother Tim?

New answer: You get better results if you rinse it off first.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: kateD on February 14, 2015, 07:12:05 PM
How could we make Vogel's first, unedited question more ... uh, palatable?

Answer: What happens at the barn stays at the barn.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 14, 2015, 07:21:33 PM
Are you trying to tell me that half your cows are gay?

New answer: Apparently the new ones glow in the dark.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: asvasv on February 14, 2015, 07:56:08 PM
What's with these newfangled condoms?

Answer : You take a left, then a right and then again a left
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 15, 2015, 03:51:59 AM
Is there an etiquette for titty fondling?

New answer: Because he wanted to keep his pet walrus in the bathroom.   
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 15, 2015, 09:24:51 AM
Why did she poison her husband with bathroom cleaner?

New Answer: I wasn't pretending; it was for real!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 15, 2015, 10:56:38 AM
They put you in Bellevue for pretending to be Napoleon?

New answer: I ended up with enough firewood for the winter.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 15, 2015, 11:01:25 AM
Is it true you fired on a mob of environmentalists, so you could cut down a thousand year old redwood tree?

New Answer: I knocked on the mirror three times, turned three circles, then squatted down and waited.


Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 15, 2015, 11:13:50 AM
So, what did you do about your constipation?

New answer: I only drink single malt whiskey now.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 15, 2015, 12:42:23 PM
How are you getting on at AA?

New answer: You can never have too much garlic.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 15, 2015, 05:22:16 PM
Are you aware the vampires have filed a formal complaint against you?

New answer: I only use the blue ones.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 15, 2015, 05:30:49 PM
Is the rumour going round true that you have 3 red testicles AND 2 blue ones?

New answer: It was the penultimate tango in Paris.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 16, 2015, 04:25:03 PM
Do you know precisely when you caught Ebola?

New Answer: I ate a raw egg salmon sandwich topped with banana-flavored mayonnaise and drizzled in stale beer.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 16, 2015, 11:09:39 PM
Whatever you ingested appears fatal. Have you any idea what it was?

New answer: The jalapenos probably weren't a good idea.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on February 17, 2015, 10:47:44 AM
So, are you going to make any changes to your new range of scented toilet paper?

New answer:  Thirteen swans, and a duck.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 17, 2015, 12:51:52 PM
Is it true that you are blessed with many friends?

New Answer: If I'd only known that before Christmas, I would still have my two front teeth!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 17, 2015, 06:21:31 PM
Did you know Santa has a prosthetic penis?

New answer: The HR director dared me to do it?

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 17, 2015, 08:28:31 PM
Did you think coming to work naked was appropriate?

New answer: There's actually an advantage to having a few less.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: bailish on February 18, 2015, 12:19:16 AM
How many boobs does a dog have?

New answer: For Whom the Bell Tolls
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 18, 2015, 01:34:29 AM
Who does the bell toll for, Grammar Man?

New answer: That's why they call him tripod.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 18, 2015, 08:26:35 AM
You say you knew a man who stood on two feet, supported by another equally long and mysterious limb?

New Answer: We must all dye our hair yellow.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 18, 2015, 08:45:45 AM
Are there any rules for General Custer Day?

New answer: I'll admit there was a certain amount of antipathy involved.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 18, 2015, 08:49:29 AM
Is it true that charity-worker forced you into giving away your last Krispy Kreme doughnut?

New Answer: That's not the story I was told about the birds and the bees.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 19, 2015, 05:26:29 PM
Have you heard about the flamingo and the bumble bee who were lovers (I think/hope the bee was the male?)

New answer: He stung her on the left flap!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 19, 2015, 08:09:15 PM
What happened when Granny flashed the Japenese hornet?

New answer: Bull.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 20, 2015, 03:42:18 AM
What was your nickname when you worked as a stacker in the china shop? (Apologies if this makes no sense to those in the (ex)colonies.)

New answer: He had hair like a portuguese-man-of-war.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: bailish on February 20, 2015, 03:47:58 AM
Why didn't you get a haircut at that new barber?

New answer: It was like taking milk from a baby.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 20, 2015, 03:51:06 AM
Why did you stop using human milk in your latte?

New answer: I like smelling of garlic.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: bailish on February 20, 2015, 04:11:18 AM
Isn't that a difficult way to keep your wife on her side of the bed?

New answer: One with cream, one without.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 20, 2015, 04:20:05 AM
How do you like your women?

New answer: My fourth wife left me because of that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 20, 2015, 10:03:49 AM
Is the rumor true you've been going down to see you're cousin Susie again?
New answer: I haven't eaten any pork since.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 20, 2015, 10:12:24 AM
How has life been since you gave up being a rent boy?

New answer: I joined the French Foreign Legion and was issued with a round of Brie and a trained attack-seagull named Andre.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on February 20, 2015, 03:28:39 PM
What did you do in your gap year?

New answer:

Three pints of bitter and a hot chocolate.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 20, 2015, 04:31:46 PM
What did you find at the end of the rainbow?

New answer: i fuond that the moooore i drank the better my trypping gott.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 21, 2015, 07:42:02 AM
And to what do you attribute your new-found prolificity, Mr. Joyce?

New answer: I had no idea it could actually be used for that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 21, 2015, 08:06:38 AM
May I borrow your iPhone to make a call?

New answer: Gaussian functions arise by composing the exponential function with a concave quadratic function, and yet I find that rubbing marmalade on my chest can be interpreted by saying that the two inflection points of the function occur at x = b − c and x = b + c as can be seen in my hanky.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 21, 2015, 08:23:35 AM
Is that a univariate quadratic function tattooed on your chest?

New answer: Perhaps I implied it, but I never stated that explicitly.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 21, 2015, 08:53:45 AM
So you think immolation is too good for most lawyers?

New answer: It makes me sneeze.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 21, 2015, 09:43:05 AM
You say you've given up muff diving?

New answer: I've pondered the vagaries of quantum theory and come up with a new answer: quarknillion!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 21, 2015, 10:25:40 AM
What's the basis for this new idea of yours, the certainty un-principle?

New answer: String theory has nothing to do with how you tie your laces!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 21, 2015, 12:11:02 PM
Do you have any idea what quantum state your shoes are in?

New answer: I'm only now beginning to realize I have more Neanderthal DNA than most.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 21, 2015, 01:03:00 PM
How come you can scratch your ankles without bending your knees?

New answer: That's right, leave me with the fishy smell why don't you.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 24, 2015, 07:34:11 PM
Would you mind dropping my merkin collection off at the laundry?

New answer: Somebody told me the only way to get rid of it is to rub it with Ajax and steel wool.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 25, 2015, 02:57:50 PM
Did you know there's a small child following you?

New answer: The baby eating bishop of Bath and Wells.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on February 25, 2015, 03:58:18 PM
So who's the key-note speaker at the King Herod Day celebrations?

New answer: Only if we can't find a corkscrew.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 25, 2015, 09:05:12 PM
Care for a dirty martini?

New answer: There were three until the ferret showed up.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 26, 2015, 06:38:57 AM
How many of you were playing poker last night?


new answer: The effervescence of Alka Seltzer and the wit of a Vulcan
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on February 26, 2015, 09:25:47 AM
What do you look for in a new curate?

New answer: I tend to rely on torn-up newspapers.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 26, 2015, 09:33:18 AM
Starving author, is it true you're so broke you can't afford toilet paper?

New Answer: I damned him to Hell with Barney the Dinosaur.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on February 26, 2015, 10:41:00 AM
What did you do to Tinky Winky?

Neo Swansea: Nobody said that life would be fair.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 26, 2015, 04:04:49 PM
Why did you hide a mousetrap in daughters lunch box?

New answer: She'd forgotten to bring her razor.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: heidi52 on February 26, 2015, 06:56:18 PM
Why did she let you live?

New answer: We thought no one was home.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 26, 2015, 08:12:42 PM
Hey, who said you could have a barbecue in my back yard?

New answer: It's better if you use the smaller mushrooms.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DistantSun on February 26, 2015, 08:19:33 PM
Did you see the purple elephant with two heads in an Elvis suit too?

New answer: The left one always goes first.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: bailish on February 26, 2015, 10:02:56 PM
How do large-breasted women manage to walk?

New Answer: I told you to turn it off!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on February 27, 2015, 03:54:49 AM
My food-processor is trying to take over the world!

New answer:  Where the deer and the buffalo roam, and the occasion mongoose visits on holiday.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 27, 2015, 04:14:36 AM
How would you describe Gyppo's beard?

New answer: It's the little things that matter.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 27, 2015, 05:19:47 PM
While I do appreciate you cleaning that six-year-old scum out of the toilet the day before inspection, loyal tenant, I must ask—have you seriously forgotten that you owe me three-thousand dollars in unpaid rent?

New Answer: That's why I wear steel-toed boots.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 28, 2015, 04:06:18 AM
Is it true your scrotum hangs down to the GROUND?!

New answer: It was just a hippy so who cares.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on February 28, 2015, 04:10:09 AM
So the doctor asked you to drop your trousers for your flu injection?

New answer:  Only on alternate Wednesdays.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 28, 2015, 04:12:27 AM
Do you have regular bookings for the masterbatorium?

New answer: Twice a month was simply not often enough.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 28, 2015, 07:10:12 AM
Why did you turn to embezzlement to increase your income stream?


New answer: A cute little French maid outfit
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 28, 2015, 07:22:50 AM
What do cute little French maids wear?

New answer: I thought if I didn't, it would unlock the gates to hell.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 28, 2015, 08:50:28 AM
Why did you unleash several thousand wombats in The Station?


new answer: belligerent gentlemen in Ascot
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 28, 2015, 09:08:26 AM
As a frotter, whom do you enjoy rubbing up against most?

New answer: Not until his hat fell off.

BTW it would be at Ascot if you mean the races.  :)
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 28, 2015, 09:51:59 AM
Weren't you able to identify Justin Bieber by his ridiculous pompadour?

New answer: I read somewhere the species was endangered.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 28, 2015, 09:55:01 AM
Where did all the smart people go?

New Answer: I have been labeled as a deviant ever since.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 28, 2015, 10:24:40 AM
Are you the man who tried to sell his pickled clitoris collection?

New answer: Like coleslaw but made with turnip.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on February 28, 2015, 04:23:37 PM
So, can you describe this one dish that made your new restaurant a success?

New answer: I always forget that second part.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on February 28, 2015, 04:56:14 PM
Though you may stand to pee, Son, you must sit down to poop—you got it?

New Answer: When I get angry that happens.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 01, 2015, 03:41:57 AM
Why are there dead people all over the carpet?

New answer: Proper planning prevents piss poor excuses about failing to plan ahead.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 01, 2015, 04:04:58 AM
And what was the sentence that got you sixty-five percent in the Alliteration exam?

New answer:  Danger: Quicksan
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 01, 2015, 04:12:04 AM
How would a person with a morbid fear of using the letter d at the end of a sentence write 'Danger: quicksand'?

New answer: He was right about the spoon.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 01, 2015, 06:58:17 AM
What did the sneering saucer gossip about when the dish ran away alone and in tears?


New Answer: her formative years
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 01, 2015, 12:22:39 PM
When did it all start to go wrong for Sarah Palin?

New answer: A plague of sprouts. 
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on March 01, 2015, 12:40:33 PM
What do you call hair that pops up on a woman's chin?

New Answer: That's what you might call an error in judgement.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 01, 2015, 03:20:51 PM
So you admit to spray-painting your wife neon orange so you could find her in the dark?

New answer: Yeah, but there were ten when I started.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 01, 2015, 05:37:47 PM
I know you were hungry, but eating your own toes?!

New answer: The shinier the better.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: bailish on March 01, 2015, 08:44:09 PM
What do you look for in a woman's behind?

New Answer: I wasn't wearing my glasses.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DistantSun on March 01, 2015, 08:46:53 PM
How do you explain your signature on this contract to purchase a thousand pounds of chicken manure?

New answer: It wasn't me who taught the kid to say that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 02, 2015, 03:10:55 AM
Your child's manners are exceptional, always a please and a thank you; you must be very proud?

New answer: The sun reflected off his tonsured pate making the use of a web cam impossible.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 02, 2015, 04:33:42 AM

What do you mean, you lost The Murderous Monk in the cloisters?

New answer: Don't even try it unless you enjoy ridicule!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 02, 2015, 05:31:20 AM
Should I get a job in marketing?

New answer: Well I'm never going to attempt a tracheotomy again unless I'm sure the old woman is definitely choking on a fish bone!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 02, 2015, 07:04:15 AM
How did you get the scratches on your face, the broken arm, and the bruising all over?


New answer: Interminable, that's all I can say.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 02, 2015, 07:32:35 AM
How would you describe a Texan steak?

New answer: She may claim it is not a usb slot but I remain unconvinced!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 02, 2015, 09:32:04 PM
You mean you're not having sex with your new girlfriend because you think she's a Borg?

New answer: I'd meant to get rid of it last week.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: bailish on March 03, 2015, 01:23:21 AM
So I hear you've got a 10-inch prick.

New answer: I didn't know you could do that with a pair of scissors!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 03, 2015, 02:25:20 AM
Did you enjoy the  brit milah?

New answer: Just come here and give me a cuddle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 03, 2015, 07:08:55 AM
Put down the knife! Did you hear me?


New answer: Friday afternoon, about 2.30.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 03, 2015, 07:44:03 AM
So you started tantric sex with your goldfish on Monday at eight, when did you stop?

New answer: That's just a coffee stain.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 03, 2015, 09:53:15 AM
What happened to your underwear - there in the back?



New answer: I'm loathe to believe it could happen again.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 03, 2015, 11:19:12 AM
How are you going to avoid getting an accidental Brazilian at topiary club?

New answer: I used the sharpness of my wit to cut my way out.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: TheOtherAdrian on March 03, 2015, 12:47:39 PM
But Clark, however did you escape that box in time for your interview?

New answer: In my defence, your honour, I wasn't wearing one at the time.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: asvasv on March 03, 2015, 01:45:29 PM
Judge: how do you expect me to believe your story that you entered the ladies restroom by mistake after reading your doctor's report that your eyesight is perfect with the glasses on?

New answer : I caught them both redhanded
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: TheOtherAdrian on March 03, 2015, 02:02:04 PM
Defendant, why did you assault these painters?

New answer: He was dressed very provocatively.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 03, 2015, 02:05:56 PM
Why did you kiss the mailman?

New answer: I was juggling pickled beetroot at the time.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 03, 2015, 03:43:45 PM
Was it you that Adrian caught red-handed?

New answer: My other car's a 2CV.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 03, 2015, 05:28:28 PM
What do you have printed on your helmet, Jean-Claude?

New answer: I don't think I could live without jazz.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 04, 2015, 09:15:58 PM
Our new capital punishment law allows the defendant to select the form of execution. Would you please tell the court what you have chosen?

New answer: Several parts seem to be missing.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: bailish on March 05, 2015, 02:03:58 AM
So how was that amputee hooker last night?

New answer: I'd never lie to you.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: asvasv on March 05, 2015, 02:33:47 AM
Wife: So are you saying that just because you were not wearing contacts you mistook that woman at the lobby for me and approached her?

New Answer : Sorry, I misread organism as orgasm
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 05, 2015, 06:22:59 AM
What happened to our science experiment? What's in this Petri dish?


New answer: Just a lampshade.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: TheOtherAdrian on March 05, 2015, 08:36:21 AM
Say, what became of your ex after he dumped you?

New answer: I couldn't find a towel.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 05, 2015, 08:55:44 AM
What's THAT all over the bedroom curtains?!

New answer: I know that now, but at the time I though he was just a man with big ears.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: TheOtherAdrian on March 05, 2015, 09:06:09 AM
Didn't anyone ever tell you that you should NOT eat the Easter bunny?

New answer: With a very large stick.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 05, 2015, 09:36:21 AM
The art of diplomacy consists of saying "Nice doggy" until you can equip yourself with what?

New answer:  I KNEW Pythagoras got it wrong!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 05, 2015, 04:33:56 PM
You do realize that if we'd been able to triangulate more quickly, we'd have intercepted that cocaine shipment?

New answer: It's something of a tradition where I come from.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DistantSun on March 05, 2015, 04:52:40 PM
What - you've never had to arm-wrestle your Grandmother to see who gets the first sip of her moonshine?

New answer: There was a strange noise coming from the box so I decided to open it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 05, 2015, 05:04:30 PM
What is your latest excuse for eating all the After Eight mints?

New answer: I have a very sore tongue.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 05, 2015, 07:07:14 PM
Have you tried picking the locks of the new chocolate-coated chastity belts?

New answer: I seem to have a devoted following.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on March 05, 2015, 07:12:17 PM
Where did all these flies come from?

New Deal: There were eleven of them. I didn't have a choice.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 05, 2015, 07:23:44 PM
You realize you've been accused of first degree wombaticide?

New answer: You can probably get another one delivered.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on March 05, 2015, 09:41:48 PM
Where am I going to get another wombat as affectionate as Snigel?

Newb Dancer: What I do with my wombats is none of your business.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: bailish on March 06, 2015, 12:15:17 AM
Why'd you call in sick today?

New Answer: I'm King of the Pirates. (tribute to Sprocket)
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on March 06, 2015, 01:10:17 AM
Who are you?

Onii-san: Just leave it to me. I got this.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 06, 2015, 02:39:42 AM
What am I going to do about the dead mother-in-law and the pack of drug-crazed wombats in my basement?

New answer: A false hip.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 06, 2015, 04:07:55 AM
Is there any roof more pretentious than a phoney mansard?

New answer: The butler did it!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 06, 2015, 04:11:36 AM
Maude, there's a rather large turd in the cat litter tray; any ideas?

New answer: No way, not when the Rugby is on.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 06, 2015, 12:04:09 PM
Would you care to engage in a few hours of tantric sex?


new answer: I wasn't even in the same room
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 06, 2015, 12:57:45 PM
Did you enjoy those few hours of tantric sex?

New answer: She was waving a flag and holding a jar of pickled walnuts.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 07, 2015, 04:13:27 AM
How did you recognize your soul-mate when you first met her?

New answer: The print of a horse-shoe on his forehead.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 07, 2015, 04:38:51 AM
Are there any hints as to Ed Milliband's problem?

New answer: She asked me to peel her a grape.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 07, 2015, 08:31:01 AM
At what point did you realize your blind date was Diana Krall?

New answer: It's more effective if you mix it with fish oil.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 07, 2015, 08:43:33 AM
Anita O'Day surely!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lA6XRttQujk

How do you make your KY last so long?

New answer: I was surprised when it came with a plate of crackers.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 07, 2015, 08:50:56 AM
How did you like our pont l'eveque dip?

New answer: I wouldn't normally associate those two things.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 07, 2015, 09:36:27 AM
Could you write a piece for my blog on the wisdom of the French?

New answer: I seems to make sense for the US to give the English Hawaii in a straight swap for Northern Ireland.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 07, 2015, 10:05:57 AM
Is it true you have a solution for the tax revenue problems with Belfast?

New answer: It doesn't taste bad but I'd advise against gargling with it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 07, 2015, 12:08:00 PM
What do you think of Zaphod's pangalacticgargleblaster?

New answer: I could accept having two heads if Trillian would be my girlfriend.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 07, 2015, 02:37:03 PM
Did Douglas Adams really consider giving you a bifurcated appendage?

New answer: I know it's impolitic to admit, but I really admired the guy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 07, 2015, 03:07:10 PM
Why do you have a lock of George W's pubes in your locket?

New answer: My hand went numb.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 08, 2015, 06:55:57 AM
Oh you are up and about, why did you stop masturbating?


new answer: Telegraphy skills, darling.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 08, 2015, 07:53:19 AM
So Dr Crippen, how do you explain your downfall?

New answer: No, that was before my adventures in the Antarctic.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 08, 2015, 08:42:09 AM
You look different. I remember you from school. Weren't you the kid with the fat ass?

New answer: Sometimes I get these uncontrollable muscle spasms.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 08, 2015, 08:44:34 AM
Why are you winking at me?



new answer: Leaflets, pamphlets, and assorted novellas.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 08, 2015, 09:44:45 AM
What do you burn to keep your boudoir warm?

New answer: I used an elastic band and a feather.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 08, 2015, 10:21:42 AM
Robin Hood and ye Merry Men, ye be out of arrows, how did ye recapture Maid Marian?


New answer: Center stage of the world's largest concert hall.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 08, 2015, 10:39:06 AM
Where was your most impressive fart?

New answer: The bottom tear of a three-tear divorce cake.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 09, 2015, 08:40:46 PM
What's the soggiest cake you ever had?

New answer: I was shocked that it actually worked.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: bailish on March 09, 2015, 09:02:05 PM
Did you really get rid of your blonde girlfriend by telling her you had died?

New answer: Everybody gives me the strangest looks.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 10, 2015, 04:56:38 AM
What was the result of confusing your hairdresser's appointment with your dog's visit to the poodle parlour?

New answer: We call him Godzilla the Hun!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 11, 2015, 12:14:48 AM
Have you picked a name for your pet Komodo?

New answer: It was probably the deep-fried Cheese Doodles.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 11, 2015, 08:08:45 AM
What do you think inspired the murders amongst the usually serene college young adults on their spring break?


new answer: my legs were disrepected
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 11, 2015, 10:50:01 AM
Why did you kick up such a fuss?

New answer:  Three pints of beer and a chocolate milk.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 12, 2015, 05:14:47 PM
What do Glaswegian babies have instead of breast milk.

New answer: it might be cheese or it might not.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on March 12, 2015, 06:02:39 PM
What did you just pull out of your underwear, young man?

New Answer: Just get it out!

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 13, 2015, 03:11:16 AM
Shall I try to extract the other half of my Toblerone?

New answer: I bought it off a man in a pub.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 13, 2015, 12:20:59 PM
Where did you get that used condom?


new answer: candlelight and Beethoven
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 13, 2015, 01:27:17 PM
What are your grandchildren called?

New answer: Mama Cas.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 13, 2015, 08:51:53 PM
What did the other nuns call Sister Casimir when she was promoted to Mother Superior?

New answer: There was nothing left but a couple of bones.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: asvasv on March 13, 2015, 09:58:43 PM
What happened when your dog accidentally fell into the piranha pool?

New Answer : The aliens kidnapped her
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 14, 2015, 03:32:46 AM
I can't be arsed to read Madame Bovary; what happens in the end?

New answer: There was no moon at all.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 14, 2015, 12:14:15 PM
How did your streaker friend celebrate the eclipse last night?

New answer:  It's the first law of thermal underwear.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 14, 2015, 06:05:11 PM
What the hell is a Teflon coated gusset?

New answer: I have a pet wolf called McDuff.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 15, 2015, 04:59:24 AM
What do you put that lead on, Malcolm?

New answer: The duck was mistaken for a buzzard.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 15, 2015, 05:38:40 AM
Why was Herbert's Falconry Centre such a disappointment?

New answer: Just slice the tip off.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Don on March 15, 2015, 09:11:23 AM
You actually know how to do circumcisions?

New answer: I always fold it the same way.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: bailish on March 16, 2015, 01:15:09 AM
How do you get so many uses out of a condom?

New answer: I wanted to, but I didn't.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 16, 2015, 03:00:06 AM
When you met Ed Milliband, did you tickle him under his chin?

New answer: That's a vital part of being English.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: bailish on March 16, 2015, 04:54:21 AM
Do you have stirrups mounted on the wall of your playroom?

New answer: He's looking over my shoulder.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 16, 2015, 08:03:36 AM
Why would an intelligent, educated man believe in the Yeti?

New answer:  A marshmallow and a fork-lift truck.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on March 17, 2015, 06:20:55 PM
What did you use to trick that 500 pound woman into getting off of her couch?

New Answer: The dog did it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 18, 2015, 04:42:15 AM
I'd have put money on the butler, sergeant.  But here he is, the latest victim of the Runnymede Slasher!  Damned if I know who our next prime suspect should be.

New answer: So that's what Katy did!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 18, 2015, 06:38:25 AM
Who tore those stirrups off your playroom wall, Nigel?


New answer: just a lampshade
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 18, 2015, 06:35:43 PM
What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?

New answer: I keep falling over.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: bailish on March 19, 2015, 02:13:38 AM
How do you know the earth is moving?

New answer: I always buy the latest technology.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 19, 2015, 04:50:48 AM
How come you're always broke, deaf and lost?

New answer:  New advances in string theory.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: bailish on March 19, 2015, 04:58:08 AM
What would it take for the scientific community to accept your premise that the earth revolves around the sun because they are tethered together?

New answer: Just a pinch.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 19, 2015, 11:10:55 AM
Where did you get the black eye?



New answer: In the garden with the pink roses.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 20, 2015, 03:37:53 AM
Where the bloody hell is my wolf?!

New answer: We found her savaged in the garden near the pink roses.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 20, 2015, 04:44:50 AM
Where the hell is my baby?

New answer:  You used to get a medal for that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 20, 2015, 05:17:25 AM
Are you ashamed that you killed that Frenchman?

New answer: I know that, but I like the sound of the word smuggle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 20, 2015, 11:17:22 AM
You weren't supposed to bring along Dame Penelope, just her jewels were to be brought here - are you crazy?

New answer: The ransom will surely be paid.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 20, 2015, 11:32:41 AM
Do you think I'll be able to cut off Dylan's foot and mail it to his wife?

New answer: I had to take my wolf to the vet as he had a small child stuck in his throat.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on March 20, 2015, 03:54:28 PM
How was the grand opening of your daycare center?

New Answer: I slipped a bag of marijuana in his jacket pocket and told him to have a good day.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 20, 2015, 04:39:25 PM
Why is that snowman eating a pot noodle?

New answer: He threw in the towel.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 21, 2015, 04:42:45 AM
Why was the discus thrower arrested for indecent exposure?

New answer:  Wolves almost never attack people.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 21, 2015, 04:47:23 AM
Why do you use werebadgers to keep the riff-raff off your land?

New answer: I was sacked for wearing a kilt to work.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 21, 2015, 04:54:53 AM
I've heard of Dress-down Friday, but what made you instigate Naked Monday?

New answer:  Stone the crows!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 21, 2015, 04:58:29 AM
What do the French do once they have eaten all the starlings?

New answer: It was a simple compromise.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 21, 2015, 01:15:34 PM
Before he was a zombie, didn't he feature on a Wanted post, Dead or Alive?

New answer: Tread softly, because you tread on my jeans.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 21, 2015, 03:17:42 PM
Would you like to see my line dancing skills before we order pizza?

New answer: I was bluffing.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on March 21, 2015, 04:28:35 PM
I've never seen anyone so happy—are you really going to give that homeless man your entire life savings?

New Answer: I ran away, but not before stealing her last Goody Powder.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on March 23, 2015, 06:39:34 AM
Why was your mother weeping onto your discarded violin?


new answer: stale cheese and three grapes


Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on March 23, 2015, 06:45:13 AM
What's on your design for the new Greek flag?

New answer: That's exactly why I put it on my expenses claim.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on May 20, 2015, 02:11:55 AM
Did your lunch inspire that flag design?

New Swansea: I don't know the difference between juice and an earthquake.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 20, 2015, 03:02:10 AM
Kirk, why did you tell Spock to set course for Beetle-an-earthquake?

New answer: It was either that or become a monk.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on May 20, 2015, 04:01:29 AM
So you built a writing shed at the bottom of your garden?

New answer:  Three socks and a stick of celery.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 20, 2015, 04:14:42 AM
Who is standing in the labour leadership election?

New answer: I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it may incinerate me.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on May 20, 2015, 02:31:45 PM
So, Mr Fawkes, how do you plead to the charge that you tried to blow up parliament?

New answer: I don't believe in fairies.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 20, 2015, 02:45:59 PM
How come there are no fairy lights on your Christmas tree?

New answer: The dwarf wasn't red when I started.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on May 20, 2015, 03:13:07 PM
Why were you choking a dwarf?

Neo Answerini: I don't understand any of this.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on May 21, 2015, 06:23:31 PM
Do you know why you dissected your mother's favorite cat?


ANSWER: I barbequed it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 22, 2015, 04:12:13 AM
What in God's name happened to your nose?!

New answer: A thick slice of halloumi cheese, a portabello mushroom, and a small tin of fresh napalm.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on May 22, 2015, 05:15:38 AM
Really?  Your ex asked you to cater for his forthcoming wedding?  What are you planning to serve?

New answer:  It makes watching paint dry seem like a fun weekend.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 22, 2015, 05:21:01 AM
So ... football?

New answer: He escaped on a combined harvester.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on May 24, 2015, 07:30:17 AM
Where is the bankrupt farmer Monsanto put out of business?



new answer: patchouli incense and Limburger cheese
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: bailish on May 24, 2015, 07:55:54 AM
How'd you get your wife to let you watch the game on your anniversary?

NEW ANSWER: Next time, try handcuffs.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on May 24, 2015, 09:36:19 AM
How do I stop SpellChickie stealing all the coffee?

New answer: The walking dead.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on June 04, 2015, 08:36:28 AM
Who stole all the coffee now?



new answer: sometime next week
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on June 04, 2015, 01:09:39 PM
When you going to finish that novel you've been working on for the last twenty years?

Answer: Granny found it in her bellybutton.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on June 04, 2015, 03:47:38 PM
Is this a nipple ring?



new answer: candles arranged around a heart-shaped bathtub
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 07, 2015, 01:32:28 PM
So, besides a tube of lubricant, a table-tennis bat, two fluffy dusters and a picture of George Clooney in a hairnet, what else do you need?

New answer: I'm not good with children or old people.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on June 07, 2015, 01:50:49 PM
Why do you carry around that bullwhip?

New Answer: I got it from a hooker named Luigi.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 07, 2015, 02:31:06 PM
Where did you get that hook?

New answer: I needed a quick snack.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on June 26, 2015, 03:44:30 AM
Why are you carrying a roast chicken, a pot of potato salad and an apple tart around in a rucksack?

New answer:  You said it was obligatory!


(I'm boosting this 'cos I missed it!)
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 26, 2015, 04:15:19 AM
Why do you KEEP putting an exclamation mark/point at the end of every sentence?!

New answer: I didn't do it: a massive wasp did it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: duck on June 26, 2015, 06:08:15 AM
Why is that robbing like that?

Someone just turned it on.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Plain Helvetica on June 26, 2015, 07:41:31 AM
Why is that bull walking towards us?

New answer: My eldest child and my favourite cat.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on June 26, 2015, 03:51:10 PM
Lovely stew!  What did you put in it?

New answer: Everyone's a critic.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on June 29, 2015, 07:03:45 AM
So you think a sexual encounter might last more than 45 seconds?


new answer: spangled spandex
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 29, 2015, 07:58:31 AM
What are you picturing me wearing at this very minute?

New answer: She was teaching her tortoise to whistle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on June 29, 2015, 10:03:23 AM
So...you finally got your mother sectioned.  What was the last straw?

New answer:  I blame the watercress sandwiches!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 29, 2015, 10:40:02 AM
What caused the Greek economy to fail?

New answer: She is attracted to men with beards who drink coffee and smell of damp dog.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on June 29, 2015, 11:15:47 AM
Still not married?  So who's this perfect girl you're waiting for?

New answer: That's what they said about Aristotle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 30, 2015, 03:23:14 AM
Is it true he was a bugger for the bottle?

New answer: There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya about the raising of the wrist.


Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on July 04, 2015, 09:58:05 AM
What do you think about using Nietzsche's face for our pro-life billboards?

New Answer: And I was just getting over a terrible bout of hemorrhoids.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 04, 2015, 01:50:41 PM
Can I interest you in some burritos?



new answer: just a bit of fluff
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 04, 2015, 02:01:45 PM
What did you use to make your latest merkin?

New answer: It barely covers the left side!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on July 04, 2015, 03:02:07 PM
Don't you think it's about time you bought some new underwear?

New Answer: I think I accidentally swallowed it.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 04, 2015, 03:27:00 PM
What have you done with Bruce's dingo?

New answer: She had one blue one and one green one.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on July 05, 2015, 04:31:36 PM
Didn't your mother used to keep budgerigars?

New answer:  One eye's higher than the other.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 05, 2015, 05:21:29 PM
Why is your mother's budgie named Isiah?

New answer: She makes me ride bare-back.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 05, 2015, 05:35:26 PM
What are your jockey silks doing on the floor?



new answer: rain and more rain
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 05, 2015, 05:59:08 PM
What do you fantasise about when you are wearing your flippers?

New answer: Amongst my weaponry are such diverse elements as sarcasm, irony, a fanatical devotion to logic, and a pointed stick.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on July 06, 2015, 03:42:58 AM
How are the Zen classes in pacifist resistance going?

New answer:  I thought you said Frigate!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on July 06, 2015, 07:15:37 AM
Why did you throw out all of your Microsoft software?


New answer:  It was a stretch, at best but she decided to go with it anyway.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 06, 2015, 07:25:23 AM
Can you please explain why my favourite tartan Thermos flask is inside your mother?!

New answer: A plate of pasta and stab-proof vest.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on July 06, 2015, 08:52:28 AM
So the local godfather sent you a dinner invitation you couldn't refuse.  What was on the table?

New answer:  Spot the Dalmatian.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on July 07, 2015, 03:15:23 AM
A nickname you use for your ex-lover' s tiger striped Tabby just to piss your ex-lover off.


New answer: She played  it with her nose.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on July 07, 2015, 04:07:22 AM
So your mother couldn't get much of a tune out of her ear-trumpet?

New answer:  Don't ask me, look it up.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 08, 2015, 04:02:53 PM
How do you spell dictionary?

New answer: That's why they named an apple after him.



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 22, 2015, 06:58:48 AM
Did you hear about MacIntosh putting tiny little raincoats on all the fruit tree branches?


New answer: just a bit of a lark
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on July 22, 2015, 10:21:05 AM
Can I tempt you to a helping of my song-bird stew?  Or how about a plate of curried blackbird?

New answer:  If you can't, it's already raining.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 23, 2015, 02:54:34 AM
Can you feel the dryness failing on your head and desiccating your hair?

New answer: She wanted custard, but I only had one egg.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on July 23, 2015, 03:35:51 AM
Isn't strawberries and boiled egg a slightly odd dish to have served at your wife's birthday party?

New answer:  Don't tell anyone where I keep it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 23, 2015, 03:44:06 AM
Is that a copy of The Da Dinci Code in your handbag, or are you just pleased to see me?

New answer: The bloody gardener is late again!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 23, 2015, 09:23:01 AM
Why hasn't the footman's body been buried already?



new answer: back in my day we just shook hands
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 23, 2015, 10:03:06 AM
Why are you so bad at disco dancing?

New answer: I don't recognise that as a limitation.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on July 23, 2015, 10:15:48 AM
As a rodeo rider, was it devastating when your latest fall broke your right ankle, your left wrist and your collar-bone, as well as causing the concussion which still affects your sight and your ability to regulate your balance?

New answer:  It's not the tutu I mind so much as the chest-wig.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 23, 2015, 10:46:54 AM
Why are you leaving the Salvation Army?

New answer: I can't swim in that!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 23, 2015, 11:43:19 AM
Have you seen the new facekini? (Amazingly enough, this is a real thing.)

(http://www.lazerhorse.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Facekini-Qingdao-White-and-Orange.jpg)

new answer: the last one is now gone
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 23, 2015, 01:35:39 PM
Were can I find a hero?

New answer: When the mad bitch in the facekini frightened off my pet shark!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: kateD on July 23, 2015, 04:47:54 PM
When did you start wearing that Superman cape and carrying an ak-47 to the beach?

New answer:  I peed my pants when he said that in front of your mother!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 24, 2015, 10:29:02 AM
How did you react when the president told my mum he was going to give free cake to the incontinent?

New answer: I like ears.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 27, 2015, 12:14:07 PM
What is this unpeeled corn doing under your bed?



new answer: not nearly fast enough
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 28, 2015, 02:46:42 PM
How quickly can you stich together a politicians lips?

New answer: Well, it was a very silly safeword.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 30, 2015, 08:54:00 AM
Cops to naked man: Why were you screaming, "Terrorist"?




new answer: it's in the spray bottle on the dresser
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on July 30, 2015, 09:16:23 AM
Where's my latest sperm donation?

New answer: Not possible when you have a beetroot in each hand.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on July 31, 2015, 06:41:17 PM
Did you just make this mess on the bedroom curtains?



new answer: sugar cane, sweetie
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 01, 2015, 10:56:32 AM
What do you use to spank the boy made form liquorice allsorts?

New answer: I was too ashamed to tell her.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on August 04, 2015, 08:47:13 AM
I thought you hated Penelope, why are you married to her?



new answer: Twisted Sister's Burn in Hell
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 04, 2015, 10:39:57 AM
What did you just say to those angry nuns?

New answer: I wanted to start a cult, but no one would follow me.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on August 04, 2015, 10:58:22 AM
Why are you wearing nothing but a wrinkled orange sheet?


new answer: grapes, not yet pressed
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 04, 2015, 11:22:26 AM
What do you have to go with your wrath?

New answer: Extremely sweaty!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on August 07, 2015, 02:16:26 PM
How would you describe your sex life, Mark?
 
New Answer: No, you can't insure that type of thing, Sir.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 07, 2015, 03:30:40 PM
Do you have an insurance plan for parrots; a Poly policy if you will?

New answer: She was trying to train her wolf to hover.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on August 08, 2015, 10:24:23 AM
You don't think I'm a creep, do you?

New answer:  The same law applies to Buffalo.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 08, 2015, 06:45:50 PM
Was it not Newton who said that as the number of moose (or mooses or meese) in the bath increases, the number of yellow rubber ducks becomes inversely proportional to the mass of the soap?

New answer: I sometimes wish I was a marsupial.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on August 09, 2015, 03:58:02 AM
Do you ever wonder if you're actually from another planet?

New answer:  I don't think you could do it with Velcro.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 09, 2015, 04:15:02 AM
Is this stuff any good for keeping your merkin in place when you practice the tango?

New answer: With morris men in the car park I felt trapped!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on August 25, 2015, 07:24:10 PM
Why were you not to work on time?



new answer: skullduggery, madam
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 26, 2015, 02:49:38 AM
What did you say when the brothel-keeper asked why you enjoyed being a brain surgeon?

New answer: It fell form the sky.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on August 26, 2015, 03:23:09 AM
Why does your computer keep transposing letters?

New answer:  Urgently, but with a little decorum.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 26, 2015, 03:27:30 AM
How do you wipe your bottom?

New answer: I used a piece of Norwegian wood.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on August 27, 2015, 03:47:21 AM
How did you wipe your bottom, Sven?

New answer:  My aunty had one, but she left it out in the rain and it was never the same again.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: MarcusB on August 27, 2015, 12:37:59 PM
Do you have a cell phone?


Same as usual, except in a plane.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 29, 2015, 06:03:28 AM
What's it like being in the octogenarian mile-high club?

New answer: A woman wearing nothing but safety goggles used a chop stick to prise it out.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on August 29, 2015, 10:00:25 AM
How did the doctor remove that parasitic worm from your eye, Mark?

New Answer: Grease and a tire iron, and no, I'm not speaking of the movie.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 29, 2015, 11:33:30 AM
Wow! How did you get into that little black dress?

New answer: I left behind my copy of Gyppo's surrealist musings: Beards Aren't the Only Fruit.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on August 29, 2015, 03:30:38 PM
What is your biggest regret about being run out of Bognor Regis by a group of vigilante grannies?

New answer:

I have never been so insulted in my file!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on August 29, 2015, 03:38:09 PM
Look, honey, I really need help paying for our divorce—do you think you could maybe start stripping?

New Answer: You really should have never been born.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on August 29, 2015, 05:18:54 PM
Go on, I can take it, what do you really think of me?

New answer: They say that the way to a man's heart is through his chest.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: asvasv on September 01, 2015, 12:05:07 AM
Why did you slit open your hubby's chest on your honeymoon night?

New answer : I fell down and lost my memory.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 01, 2015, 02:37:43 AM
Why are you lying on the floor trying to define llama?

New answer: It took a fair amount of ingenuity.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 01, 2015, 04:57:20 AM
Why was it that, in your career as a serial-killing stage-hand, you only attacked girls playing the juvenile lead?

New answer:  Try substituting starch for sugar.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 01, 2015, 05:07:17 AM
How can I get my teeth as green as yours?

New answer: With a gherkin.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on September 01, 2015, 03:00:29 PM
How was your ex-wife cheating on you?


New answer: It's worse than trying to have a serious conversation with a man in a toupee.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: MarcusB on September 01, 2015, 03:33:55 PM
So, how was having your wisdom tooth pulled by that ex coal miner?

chocolate.  only and always chocolate.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 01, 2015, 03:52:39 PM
What is your favourite condom flavour?

New answer: I ate the gherkin my ex wife had left in the fridge.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on September 02, 2015, 03:00:03 AM


Why did your ex-wife call the police on you?




New answer: It's on the top of my, 'To Do' list.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: MarcusB on September 02, 2015, 08:39:25 AM
Didn't you say you wanted to kill your ex?

New answer:  Never on a Sunday
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on September 02, 2015, 07:22:59 PM
Dude, I know you're Amish or whatever, and it's your holy day of Sabbath, but if you don't get in that car and go with me now, you'll miss out on 12 million dollars and a beautiful woman who loves you; can't you break the rules just this once?

New Answer: I want to tell you but I swear I can't remember.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 03, 2015, 02:32:11 AM
Do you love me?

New answer: I banged my elbow on the shower door and my hand went limp.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on September 03, 2015, 07:41:12 PM
Why are your balls so blue?

New Answer: I'm pleading insanity; I was under a spell, probably cursed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 04, 2015, 03:56:45 AM
What made you decide to become a writer?

New answer: I was a bit suspicious when she asked me to wear a mask, but heh, nothing ventured nothing gained; and anyway, Gyppo told me it was safe.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: MarcusB on September 04, 2015, 09:00:14 AM
How did you get that rash on your face?

New answer:  It was quite the experience.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on September 05, 2015, 01:50:59 PM
What does it feel like to be drug by your feet naked and on your front-side through a carpet of pins and needles, while your wife stands over you, screaming into a megaphone and bashing you over your infidelity?

New Answer: It's a terrible habit that I absolutely cannot break.


Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 05, 2015, 02:08:59 PM
Why are you so nice to me?

New answer: A flower pot was all I had to hand.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on September 05, 2015, 02:33:27 PM
Why is your crazy granny wearing a flower pot on her head?

New Answer: If you ask me that one more time I'm going to lose my mind!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 05, 2015, 04:24:06 PM
Could you explain again - feel free to use my flip chart - why the there's so much uncertainty about the uncertainty principle?

New answer: Thankfully I was sucking a mint at the time.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 06, 2015, 04:22:02 AM
I gather your old, drooly and slightly incontinent dog was glad to see you?

New answer:  A shadow where no shadow should have been.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 06, 2015, 04:38:44 AM
What was the first clue you got that you had a penguin clinging to your back?

New answer: A spider ate my dachshund!

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on September 06, 2015, 08:54:00 AM
Your wife tells me that you've locked yourself in this bedroom for three weeks, says you won't quit crying, that you're paranoid, but why, Mark?

New Answer: I told you, I can't fit.






Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 06, 2015, 09:26:12 AM
Have you borrowed my Minnie Mouse outfit again?

I offered to make her Polish plum cake.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 09, 2015, 02:35:16 PM
Why is your maid buffing up the bagels?

New answer:  Chastity leaves a lot to be desired.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 09, 2015, 04:00:23 PM
Why do you looks so grumpy?

New answer: I wrote it in invisible ink.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: MarcusB on September 09, 2015, 04:05:34 PM
Did you finish my taxes?


I played it upside down.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 09, 2015, 04:08:20 PM
Have you ever played naked twister?

New answer: The can on my desk was empty and the one in the fridge was not yet cold enough.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: MarcusB on September 09, 2015, 04:34:53 PM
Why did you take my can of axle grease?


New Answer:   If it were the right time I would have.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 09, 2015, 05:03:54 PM
Did you borrow my Blancpain Villeret again?!!

New answer: I invented the moleskin merkin.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 12, 2015, 04:20:11 AM
Why are you so unwelcome at social gatherings up and down the country?

New answer:  The doctor said it was quite common, but I'd never had it before.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 12, 2015, 04:46:53 AM
What were you able to find out abut death?

New answer: It's not my fault if the word Googlewhack has other meanings.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: geoffnelder on September 12, 2015, 11:11:42 AM
What is this thing called Life?

New answer: Turn around and see the 11th dimension
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 12, 2015, 11:50:44 AM
Just remind me: how does the last bit of the cokey hokey-cokey go?

New answer: Of course I wiped the dribble off her chin first!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on September 14, 2015, 07:26:03 PM
You seduced a woman in a coma?

New Answer: Because I am a prophet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 15, 2015, 02:22:41 AM
How do you know that I am at a loss?

New answer: I spent all day signing doing it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 16, 2015, 04:22:19 AM
So your book got published in spite of your tendency to run verbs together?

New answer:  No thanks to the Household Cavalry!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 16, 2015, 09:54:48 AM
So you managed to get the horse shit out of your carpet?

New answer: I don't recall agreeing to that.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: WmTell on September 16, 2015, 11:52:31 AM
When are you going to lead the charge over the cliff?

New answer:  If they listened to me the wrinkles would be gone now.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on September 16, 2015, 12:42:12 PM
Did you recommend that your patient apply semen to her face?

New Answer: God made me do it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 16, 2015, 01:27:02 PM
Tell me, Popey, why do you wear that funny hat and spend all your time talking mumbo-jumbo?

New answer: Vogel made me do it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on September 18, 2015, 09:25:44 AM
Why on earth, Mark, would you sell your house and invest all your money, your kid's college tuition, even your IRA and your wife's inheritance, into a damn hotdog stand?

New Answer: That's what the napkin is for.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 18, 2015, 10:26:33 AM
Do you want a piece of paper to make some notes on your entry for poetry challenge number 127?
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=58300.0

New answer: That way I was able to kill 2 birds with one stone.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on September 18, 2015, 10:59:05 AM
Let me get this straight, you killed your husband and carved him up, so you could throw a roast in the oven before Days of Our Lives came on? 

New Answer: Yes, I swear it is a medical disorder.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 18, 2015, 05:38:37 PM
Why do your ears taste of piña colada?

New answer: I think he may have been a puffin.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on September 18, 2015, 05:49:29 PM
Do you have any idea who the man in the tuxedo was (the man who stole your Mercedes), Mr. H?

New Answer: A corkscrew and a bag of pinto beans.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 18, 2015, 06:06:34 PM
What are the key things you need to make perfect burritos?

New answer: She claimed that rebuilding an aircraft engine on the kitchen table and constantly listening to Thelonious Monk led to irreconcilable differences. 
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 19, 2015, 12:57:54 PM
So, you divorced your wife for unreasonable behavior?

New answer:  You don't usually see them perched on the top of trees.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 19, 2015, 05:05:01 PM
What the hell are the shadow cabinet up to now?

New answer: I tried to imagine what life without broadband would be like.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 24, 2015, 09:22:53 AM
You have a detached retina, a perforated ear-drum and a hiatus hernia.  What on earth were you doing?

New answer: It'll stay like that if the wind changes.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 24, 2015, 09:43:58 AM
What's the main drawback of your wind turbine hat?

I was trying to explain to God how freewill, like, didn't really work so well.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 24, 2015, 10:35:15 AM
How does anyone bring down all seven plagues of Egypt on a place like Slough?

New answer:  I said she'd take offence, not a fence!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 30, 2015, 06:49:27 AM
Seems I've got you all stymied!

How about: I took your advice and locked away the larch-lap before telling the wife I had a mistress.

Better luck with this:

New answer:  A halibut, or possibly a cocker spaniel.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2015, 06:57:26 AM
Not to be pedantic at all  :)  :) but the larch-lap sentence is not a question.  ;)

Anyway ... spaniels ...

What does Jeremy Corbyn smell like if you leave him out in the rain?

New answer: He told me I was not obliged to say anything; he did not say I was not obliged to not say anything.



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: WmTell on September 30, 2015, 10:43:57 AM
Can you explain your comments, Sir?

New Answer: That's the first time I tried that stunt, honest!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2015, 01:18:51 PM
So you want to sing castrato do you?

New answer: Over there searching for toadstools.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 30, 2015, 04:38:48 PM
Not to be pedantic at all  :)  :) but the larch-lap sentence is not a question.  ;)


You had a week to come up with something better, so it's a bit late to be so picky! 

Toadstool question:  Do you know where I'd find my mother-in-law?

New answer: In a strictly Darwinian world, they'd be extinct by now.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 01, 2015, 03:52:28 AM
What's your new theory about dodos?

New answer: Yes but I thought a titty bar was some kind of perch!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on October 04, 2015, 09:37:36 AM
Let me see if I've got this straight; You took the poor bird out for cocktails, had him flying high, then decided it was time to teach your cockatoo to pole dance?






New answer: It's the new way to recycle feather boas.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 04, 2015, 09:45:34 AM
I know everyone else is laughing at your husband's mankini, but why is he giggling like that?

New answer:  Snakeskin is you, Nigel!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on June 21, 2016, 06:36:36 AM
What did they really tell the Emperor about his new clothes?




New answer:   Threads like these were made to be resurrected.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 21, 2016, 06:47:48 AM
Why are you wearing your great-great-grandfather's jerkin?

Magic beans.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on June 21, 2016, 07:19:54 AM
What is it that makes your bodily gaseous explosions smell like cloves?




New answer: The gecko on the lanai.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 21, 2016, 07:26:51 AM
What are we having for supper?

New answer: Blood, sweat, and tears.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on June 21, 2016, 07:38:44 AM
How would we get around if we had no vehicles for transportation?


New answer: Disco and dice.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 21, 2016, 08:14:47 AM
How did you achieve such an impressive pucker?

New answer: She asked me to paint her!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on June 21, 2016, 02:35:33 PM
Why is your mother covered in distemper?

New answer:  That's what I call a steak!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on June 21, 2016, 05:30:33 PM
Weren't we supposed to be having steaks tonight?

nouvelle réponse: just wait, it's gonna be awesome.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on June 21, 2016, 11:53:12 PM


Why would you think haute cuisine means the cook is supposed to catch fire while cooking cherries jubilee?




New answer: With a guitar pick.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on June 22, 2016, 02:26:02 AM
When you say you want me to love you like I was playing a guitar, that's somewhat confusing (you don't have any strings for a start) so, could you be a bit more specific?

New answer: With a tooth pick.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on September 13, 2016, 06:38:05 PM
Mark, suppose, while chewing my toenails last night I got a sliver of my big toe nail lodged between my two front teeth—what would be the preferred method of extraction?

New Answer: Anywhere but in the eye.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 14, 2016, 01:53:08 AM
Where would you like to be tickled?

New answer: I assumed there'd be some dzus fasteners.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 14, 2016, 08:35:12 AM
What did the carpenter say to his lady friend while in the back seat of his four door Silverado parked outside the city limits as he attempted to seductively remover her bra?




new answer: fuchsia gel pen
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 14, 2016, 09:28:42 AM
That new pot-plant of yours is dripping slime all over the dining table.  Can you put it somewhere less messy?

New answer:  He's on the phone right now, and I can hear a chain-saw in the background.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 14, 2016, 05:54:47 PM
Are you sure your great-grandson will be safe at the mad lumberjack convention?

New answer: If a puffin can, why can't I?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 15, 2016, 02:29:08 PM
Why is your mouth full of sand-eels?

New answer:  Because my mouth is full of sand-eels!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 15, 2016, 02:48:44 PM
How do you know when you have a puffin nesting in a tooth cavity?

New answer: I use a cushion, and if one is not enough I use two.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 16, 2016, 07:02:21 AM
My, my, how did you get so tall?




New answer: six, not seven
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 16, 2016, 08:08:19 AM
So you boffed ALL the dwarfs?

New answer: Dopey died before I'd finished.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 16, 2016, 09:39:58 AM
Collecting cigarette cards is pretty hard on the lungs.  It was a good idea to get your husband to do the actual smoking.  But why is there an empty page at the back of your album?

New answer:  Six feet wide but only two inches deep.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 16, 2016, 12:50:15 PM
How big is a cockney's mouth?

New answer: My hand was numb.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 16, 2016, 12:53:02 PM
I've seen inaccurate typing and I'm okay with a few a typos, but what the hell happened to this text?




new answer: a fly in the ointment
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 16, 2016, 03:24:15 PM
How did you discover that maggots were good for haemorrhoids?

New answer: Singing takes my mind off it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 16, 2016, 07:10:41 PM
What is that Frankensteinian growth coming out of your neck? Does it hurt?




new answer: magic markers
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 17, 2016, 03:44:24 AM
How did you make your teeth glisten?

New answer: Use just enough olive oil to stop the ring cracking.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 17, 2016, 08:03:28 AM
In the Molly Maids' Handbook of Housecleaning, what is the rule for cleaning bathtubs?




new answer: sawdust and just a bit of moonshine
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 17, 2016, 09:48:37 AM
What's left at the end of an all-nighter at the coffin-maker's?

New answer:  It makes my toes curl!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on September 17, 2016, 10:06:09 AM
Why do you have Illma Gore's pastel "Make America Great Again" set as the background of your computer, Jo?  ;)

New Answer: Believe it or not, I came out relatively unscathed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 17, 2016, 11:49:54 AM
You actually read the new Trump autobiography "Modesty Is My Only Flaw"?

New answer:  A weasel in a toasted bap.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 17, 2016, 09:37:54 PM
What is your favorite midnight snack?




new answer: high as a kite
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 18, 2016, 03:57:09 AM
If you must listen to a Trump speech (when I say speech I mean semi-coherent diatribe obviously), how should you approach it?

New answer: I wanted to see if it was possible, while holding a tambourine.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 18, 2016, 06:41:19 AM
The tango is supposed to be a sensual dance. Why are you making so much noise?




New answer: on the Orient Express
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 18, 2016, 09:30:51 AM
Where might you see the words "peace-loving" and "North Korean" in the same sentence?

New answer:  No one does it like that any more!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 18, 2016, 05:13:11 PM
Shall we keep our wigs on and false teeth in?

New answer: It is amazing what you can do with grated beetroot.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 18, 2016, 07:38:05 PM
This eye of newt soup is delicious. What did you do to it?



new answer: whispered softly
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 20, 2016, 02:14:31 AM
How am I supposed to talk dirty to you?

New answer: That sort of worked, but now I have slobber in my ear.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 20, 2016, 04:05:28 PM
You're training your sniffer dog by hiding cocaine in your own bodily orifices?

New answer:  The ears of a spaniel and the dentition of a great white shark.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 21, 2016, 02:27:26 PM
Tell me, Jo, what do you look for in a lover?

New answer: I didn't have a bottle opener to hand, and to be fair, he was wearing waders.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 22, 2016, 07:25:22 AM

Why did you stab your son-in-law with a corkscrew and then push him in the river?

New answer:  In my opinion, they're all over-rated.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 22, 2016, 08:18:25 AM
Have you been following the brangelina fiasco?


New answer: turpentine and a splash of bleach
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 22, 2016, 08:22:36 AM
How did you get that stain out of your mind?

New answer: Perhaps you could explain it away by claiming you have OCD.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 22, 2016, 08:28:28 AM
How can I explain serial murders of people who can keep their homophones straight?




New answer: THEY'RE, you asshat
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 22, 2016, 08:37:58 AM
Were be my asshat?

New answer: It covered a little hole on the top of my head.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on September 22, 2016, 05:02:50 PM
Where did my butt plug go?

New Answer: Mississippi's your best best, though anywhere in the Deep South will do, just don't forget to stop by a gas station and get a cup of bait (preferably nightcrawlers), a big fish net and a Hallmark greeting card, don't matter the occasion, she ain't gonna know the difference.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 22, 2016, 05:58:28 PM
Where shall I dump my ex-wife's body?

New answer: No way I can live with a woman who thinks Thelonius Monk works for the pope!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on September 30, 2016, 11:08:44 AM
Why did you kick Mother Teresa out of your domicile?



new answer: well, she was already dead
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on September 30, 2016, 11:12:57 AM
You served your mother-in-law as the entrée at your wedding feast?

New answer:  I had one, but I'd never have another.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on September 30, 2016, 11:24:14 AM
What's you view on orgasms?

New answer: I was just trying to drown out the noise.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 01, 2016, 04:00:41 AM
I can kind of understand murder - but why dump three metres of concrete on top of your wife?

New answer:  Canine selective deafness.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 01, 2016, 04:23:06 AM
Have you noticed any adverse effects from years of dunking Bonios in your Earl Grey?

New answer: There's more than one way to cook an egg.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 01, 2016, 07:50:46 AM
Why did the fertility clinic close?




new answer: a black and white photo
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 01, 2016, 11:14:53 AM
How do you separate the first three horses in the Piebalds Grand National?

New answer:  A sprinkling of sea-salt and a pickled herring.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 01, 2016, 12:06:34 PM
What do you like as post coital snack?

New answer: In his boxer shorts, on the bean-bag, listening to the intermezzo from Cavalleria Rusticana.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 01, 2016, 12:49:57 PM
Where is your favorite place to consume a sprinkling of sea-salt and a pickled herring?



new answer: an encyclopedic memory
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 01, 2016, 02:42:02 PM
We were talking about what each of us brought to this partnership; and you said you brought a sound grasp of economics and a flare for marketing; and I said I brought...what was it now?...don't tell me, it's on the tip of my tongue...I said I brought - what?

New answer: I thought that was a term they use in golf!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 01, 2016, 09:12:42 PM
Don't you know about foreplay?




new answer: Chianti and a pizza
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 02, 2016, 03:24:09 AM
What are the main foods eaten by penguins?

New answer: Montepulciano d'abruzzo and focaccia.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 02, 2016, 04:04:21 AM
Can you get away with swearing in foreign on English TV?

New answer:  Hang onto the martingale and kick!

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 02, 2016, 04:14:10 AM
What should you do if you wake up, half drugged, in a horsey girl's bed, strapped to the headboard, and see her approach, carrying a snaffle, and wearing nothing but a pair of over-reaching boots and a smile?

New answer: Well ... I honestly thought Cinderella was a story form the bible.


Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 02, 2016, 07:26:16 AM
What makes you think it is a "God given right to get two ugly stepsisters?



new answer: like fog on little cat feet
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 02, 2016, 03:48:40 PM
How comfy are those slippers?

New answer: Up to my ankles.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 03, 2016, 04:15:55 AM
Has your new Chihuahua been biting you?

New answer:  She certainly can can-can!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 03, 2016, 05:47:30 AM
Why did Heinz give Suzi Quatro a job?

New answer: I draw the line at counting the number in a can.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 03, 2016, 02:06:28 PM
How many beans make five?  (In case no one has come across this idiot conundrum, the answer is: A bean, a bean, a bean, a bean and a half, and a half a bean.)

New answer:  Depending on how you say it, either twenty-five or nineteen.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 03, 2016, 03:00:38 PM
How many syllables are there in 22 syllable word?

New answer: You can preselect the torque by pressing button A.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 03, 2016, 06:14:25 PM
Look, a government issue $5000 automatic drill. What does the different buttons do?



new answer: a $5000 toilet seat
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 03, 2016, 06:27:14 PM
So, Patti, tell me about your most successful eBay sale?

New answer: I tripped over a Jo Banister crime novel that some fool had left on the landing.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on October 04, 2016, 07:40:00 AM
   
     It's the excuse Mark gave his wife when she found him the next morning asleep on the front porch steps wearing nothing more than cowboy boots with spurs and a ten gallon hat.
 



  New answer: It's the way they use lassos these days.


Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 04, 2016, 08:28:15 AM
Why is there a pile of zip ties here?



new answer: teleportation would be nice
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 04, 2016, 11:06:53 AM
What should one do once the sex is over?

New answer: I saw a hideous creature with the body of a man and the head of a fly, or, it may just have been Donald Trump.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on October 04, 2016, 11:35:26 AM
What did you find in your bed the last time you got piss, blackout drunk after going to a bar the night before?

New: You will need more than a napkin to clean up that godawful mess.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 04, 2016, 02:19:30 PM
Is this always what it looks like to commit murder by wood chipper?





new answer: an ice ax
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 04, 2016, 02:30:13 PM
What would you like for your birthday, to go with your nice saw, your nice hammer and your nice drill?

New answer:  I did, and what's more I'm not sorry.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 04, 2016, 02:51:30 PM
Did you kidnap and eat Shergar?

New answer: She told me she was a vegan so I thought she might have pointed ears.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 05, 2016, 04:32:30 AM
You didn't really take your new girlfriend to a Star Trek convention?

New answer:  It's not my real name, it's just what my mother called me.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 05, 2016, 04:39:43 AM
Are you really called Lady Fartypants McEggysmell?

New answer: I has hiding behind a small rock.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 05, 2016, 09:31:34 AM
What were you doing when the W on your keyboard failed?

New answer:  They taught us at school, but I haven't used it since.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 05, 2016, 10:51:20 AM
How do you get a stone our of a horse's hoof?

New answer: You can make almost anything into chutney.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 05, 2016, 11:32:58 AM
Where is that awful cat your husband's so attached to?

New answer: The bicycle was the last straw.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 05, 2016, 12:58:09 PM
I hear you can make vehicles using dried corn stalks?

New answer: I only had one ski.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 05, 2016, 01:00:59 PM
How was your trip to Poland?



new answer: luckily, it broke
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 05, 2016, 01:13:38 PM
What happened when you tried to ride to town on Jo's straw bike?

New answer: The dust made me sneeze.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 05, 2016, 03:45:54 PM
Why have you done no housework for five years?

New answer:  It's not my fault I can't balance on one leg!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 05, 2016, 04:07:40 PM
In your repertoire of reasons for not wanting sex, which is your most effective?

New answer: I suppose you could say I need new glasses.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: geoffnelder on October 05, 2016, 05:29:13 PM
Why is your beer puddling on the table?

The rain fell sideways again.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 05, 2016, 07:36:39 PM
I see you were so drunk you pissed your pants again, huh?




new answer: spiritual guides
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 06, 2016, 02:56:02 AM
Who showed you round the gin distillery?

New answer: That man over there in the fedora, with the dachshund under his arm.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 06, 2016, 08:52:03 AM
Who put the whoopie cushion on Queen Liz's throne?



new answer: jail time, lots of jail time  (unless you prefer gaol)
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 06, 2016, 09:09:24 AM
What should happen to recidivist miscreants with an etymological bent?

New answer: He has a degree in the history of mallets.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 06, 2016, 09:16:01 AM
Why did they call King Edward 1 the Hammer of the Scots?

New answer:  I have one in my back pocket right now.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 06, 2016, 09:52:22 AM
Have you ever heard of the Curse of Montezuma?




new answer: thirteen seconds, tops
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 06, 2016, 02:11:33 PM
Including foreplay, how long is your other half good for?

New answer:  I traded it in for an older model.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 06, 2016, 03:31:05 PM
Do you still have that vintage Space Hopper?

New answer: Lift the lever and twist the grip clockwise.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 07, 2016, 08:55:47 AM
Customer to sales rep: How do you start up this dildo?





new answer: it's a clown
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 07, 2016, 11:08:05 AM
What exactly is a Donald Trump?

New answer: The inventor of the 2-stroke (take that as you will) dildo (with detachable merkin.)
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 07, 2016, 11:39:21 AM
Panting, exhausted man to his unsatisfied wife: And who's your hero now?





new answer: a semicolon and a full one
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 07, 2016, 02:52:47 PM
Whatever do you order at a "Punctuation & a Pint Party"?

New answer:  I've had better bitter.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 08, 2016, 09:14:34 AM
What makes your soon-to-be-ex-wife so nasty?




new answer: flickering lights
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 08, 2016, 09:58:03 AM
What was the last thing you saw as your wife beat you unconscious with the reading lamp?

New answer:  I used to call him "Tiger" - but that was a bit catty.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 08, 2016, 11:32:46 AM
Who is your favorite golfer?




new answer: a pencil sharpener and a bit of wax
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 08, 2016, 01:49:46 PM
How did you spice up your sex life?

New answer: If she is going to claim that, she can't object if I want to measure it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 09, 2016, 05:20:55 AM
So your next-door neighbour thinks you've appropriated three inches of her driveway?

New answer:  That's why the leopard changed his spots.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 09, 2016, 05:23:50 AM
Are stripes in this year?

New answer: A pickled egg.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 09, 2016, 05:27:25 AM
What became of Humpty Dumpty after they gave him brandy for the shock of falling off a wall?

New answer:  A euphonium and a tin whistle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 09, 2016, 07:16:46 AM
Why does your dog act like that?




New answer: three trees
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on October 09, 2016, 07:43:37 AM
What did the American gov't give the Native Americans to make up for stealing all their land?

New Answer: Ho ho and a bottle of rum.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 09, 2016, 02:25:09 PM
Could you give me a line from Treasure Island, but, with the word 'yo' missing?

New answer: I used a drone with a camera to track his every move for an entire week; what I discovered put me off pilchards for life.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 10, 2016, 04:11:31 AM
Is it entirely healthy to worry about the personal habits of everything you want to put on your plate?

New answer:  Someone needs to sort out those anchovies too!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 10, 2016, 05:05:42 AM
Do you need a hand getting those leeches off your bottom?

New answer: As Tony Blair once said: mastication, mastication, mastication.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 10, 2016, 09:25:26 AM
When will the Labour Party get some policies to chew on?

New answer:  That depends on whether it's your IQ or your shoe-size.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 10, 2016, 09:34:12 AM
They call me double oh seven; do you fancy a shag?

New answer: He had tiny feet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 10, 2016, 08:47:32 PM
What do we know about Carl Sandburg's fog walking cat?




new answer: teaspoons used as castanets
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 11, 2016, 05:29:03 AM
What is your sole concession to American culture when you do the flamenco?

New answer: Castanets as soup spoons.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 11, 2016, 10:12:43 AM
I see by the spots on your tie that lunch consisted of tomato basil soup. How can you be so messy?




new answer: a four leaf clover
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 11, 2016, 10:17:27 AM
You are very lucky to know me; how do you account for it?

New answer: Some crazy woman reckons she can tell there was basil in my soup, just form the spots on my bow tie.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 11, 2016, 12:03:54 PM
Why have you doused yourself with cologne? Are you trying to confuse the situation?



new answer: freeze dried kale
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 11, 2016, 02:26:35 PM
What do Arctic char eat?

New answer: Only because my other one's in the wash.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on October 11, 2016, 06:02:33 PM
Why are you wearing that yellow merkin, Jo?

(Insert Jo's Answer)

Wait a minute ... is that Donald Trump's Toupee?

(By the way, what is it with you and merkins, Mark?  ;)  ;D)

New Answer: They never smelled like that before!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 12, 2016, 06:41:53 AM
Merkins are just a hobby. Slightly less tedious than collecting stamps or coins.

Why are your pet dwarfs trying to smell the roses by inhaling the fragrance through a piece of hose?

New answer: Only ever in black ink.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 12, 2016, 08:39:00 AM
Did Satan ask you to sign his contract in blood?




New answer: drat, foiled again
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 12, 2016, 02:23:40 PM
What did Dick Dastardly say when Mutley wrapped him in aluminium?

New answer: I call her Noddy because she always says yes.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on October 12, 2016, 05:36:54 PM
Is that your girlfriend over there slumped over in the chair, drooling all over herself?

New Answer: That's really not even something to joke about.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: geoffnelder on October 12, 2016, 06:09:33 PM
q. What's your tally of story acceptances this year?

New answer: Red, because of my eyes.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 13, 2016, 08:36:45 AM
What wines were you drinking last night?



new answer: perpendicular
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 13, 2016, 04:10:17 PM
What is the next word you are going to use in Define a llama?

New answer: I like the crunching sound.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 14, 2016, 08:11:33 PM
Why are you feeding your dog a Gutenberg Bible?




new answer: frenetically waving
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 15, 2016, 03:00:33 AM
What's the best way to catch the eye of someone in a bar who you are attracted to?

New answer: I think she had something in her eye.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 15, 2016, 04:24:39 AM
Why are you holding that woman upside down under a waterfall?

New answer:  To keep them on the knife.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 15, 2016, 05:28:58 AM
Why are you putting glue on your peas?

New answer: The current plan is to disband the armed forces and just start transmitting commercial TV to our enemies.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 15, 2016, 06:49:13 AM
What's your plan for Kim Jung-un's upcoming birthday?





new answer: buffalo chips
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 15, 2016, 02:13:01 PM
What do you get if you take a chisel to a stone bison?

New answer: When at sea you must do what the captain says.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 16, 2016, 08:02:28 AM
Why is there a parrot on your shoulder and what is with that eyepatch?




new answer: flamingos, millions of them
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on October 16, 2016, 09:27:18 AM
If you won the lottery, what's the first thing you'd buy?

New Answer: Piss on it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 16, 2016, 01:35:38 PM
What do you do to stop your neighbour's cat coming into your garden?

New answer: Thankfully she only does that when there is not a strong wind.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 17, 2016, 12:44:50 PM
Does your wife always go commando?



new answer: peanut butter chips
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 18, 2016, 04:47:29 AM
What does a stone buffalo eat?

New answer:  It was the only one I could find after dark on a Friday night.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 18, 2016, 07:39:41 AM
Why are you riding around in/pushing a Yugo taxi?




new answer: pillow talk
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 18, 2016, 03:17:13 PM
How do you use my romantic poems?

New answer: I simply fitted a sprag clutch.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 19, 2016, 07:55:13 AM
I see you went unintentionally parachute jumping. How?





new answer: high noon
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 19, 2016, 05:26:47 PM
When do you take your mad dog and tame Englishman out for a walk?

New answer: Just after midnight.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 19, 2016, 08:36:01 PM
What is your preferred time for walking in the moonlight?



new answer: Really, that's a Halloween mask
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 20, 2016, 08:41:35 AM
Really, that's a Halloween mask?

New answer: It was like licking a hedgehog.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 20, 2016, 09:22:58 AM
How did you get on with the gooseberry ice-lollies?

New answer: Don't talk to me about Chihuahuas!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 21, 2016, 05:07:31 AM
What is the Swiss-Mexican fusion restaurant like?

New answer: I decided to measure myself in fathoms.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 21, 2016, 06:18:34 AM
How did you get an IQ of 207?



new answer: really, just a semi-colon
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 21, 2016, 11:35:02 AM
Did those new laxatives work for you?

New answer:  With an Oink Oink here and an Oink Oink there; here an Oink, there an Oink, everywhere an Oink Oink.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 21, 2016, 12:54:53 PM
What is it like keeping micro pigs in your knicker drawer?

New answer: Don't mention the walrus.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 22, 2016, 10:29:43 AM
What was some good advice Lewis Carroll ignored?




new answer: the carpenter
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 22, 2016, 12:01:41 PM
Who made your mahogany teeth?

New answer: You could try lagging it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 23, 2016, 09:31:25 AM
Which of us is on the bench for the trial of that git Laggin?

New answer: I can't, I'm on the phone.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 23, 2016, 12:03:55 PM
Can you pass me that wombat egg?

New answer: It's no good just lapping at it like a cat.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 26, 2016, 03:59:56 PM
Is this the latest Jack the Ripper corpse?



new answer: fried eggs
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 27, 2016, 04:56:51 AM
What do you feed to your penguins?

New answer: I'm building a nuclear bunker and stocking up and canned peaches, just in case Trump gets elected.


Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 27, 2016, 09:46:12 AM
Why have you taken up the floor of your apartment?

New answer:  I didn't mean it!  It was just a joke!  Nobody was supposed to take it seriously!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 28, 2016, 05:33:16 AM
Why are you throwing Americanisms into your vocabulary, dude?

New answer: It all sounds like blah blah blah to me.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 28, 2016, 06:39:55 AM
From the way it's bleating, do you suppose your sheep has a blocked sinus?

New answer:  I wanted something original for my birthday cake.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 28, 2016, 07:18:47 AM
Why did you pay Spell Chick to leap naked from a blueberry muffin.

New answer: Best viewed with both eyes closed.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 28, 2016, 08:54:31 AM
What did you think of Spell Chick leaping naked from a blueberry muffin at your birthday party?

New answer: This isn't the right place to start from.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 28, 2016, 03:55:10 PM
If I said, 'this is not the right place from which to start' could you put that in a way that a cockney might understand?

New answer: I plan to be a millionaire by the time I'm forty.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 29, 2016, 04:03:34 AM
So you've written a book called "Grammar for the Deeply Pretentious", have you?

New answer:  This is something up with which I will not put!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 29, 2016, 04:40:39 AM
Why are you holding that butt plug and scowling?

New answer: Secondhand ones have a very low resale value.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on October 29, 2016, 06:56:59 AM
What am I supposed to do with Grandma's used razors? They're freaking disposable too! (Geesh ... this is worse than last year's dirty socks.)

New Answer: As far as I could tell, she didn't have one to begin with.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on October 29, 2016, 07:42:12 AM
What happened to Jo's copy of 'Eats Shoots and Leaves'?

New answer: Let's split it fifty-fifty.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 02, 2016, 07:12:18 PM
What IQs do you and your twin brother possess?



new answer: it was a typo
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 03, 2016, 03:32:21 AM
How come you voted for Trump?

New answer: Well you may call it fracking, but I call it disgusting.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 04, 2016, 10:01:18 AM
Why are you wearing a Dakota headdress?





new answer: hot springs and jumper cables
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on November 05, 2016, 05:00:54 AM
What's the hardest part of your new knitting pattern?

New answer: I don't care what your mother has to say on the subject!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Amie on November 06, 2016, 12:26:18 PM
Why didn't you ask my mother?

New answer: three spittoons and a bowl of porridge.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 07, 2016, 04:53:19 AM
What did you find in Jo's anorak pocket?

New answer: Ears do not have a volume control knob.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 08, 2016, 04:49:00 PM
Why are the speakers to your iPod the size of two refrigerators?





new answer: fairy dust
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Amie on November 10, 2016, 01:23:16 AM
What's that white stuff on your lips?

new answer: you were only meant to blow the bloody doors off.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on November 10, 2016, 03:47:32 AM
 

       What did the second little piggy say to the Big Bad Wolf?



         New answer: stripper poles and pitchforks
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 10, 2016, 08:28:36 AM
What did Ellie Mae keep in her barn?



new answer: butterflies and buttercups
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 11, 2016, 03:33:24 PM
What do faeries eat?

New answer: If you want it spotless you need to keep scrubbing.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 12, 2016, 05:29:31 PM
Lady Macbeth, do you call this clean?



new answer: Spinoza and Descartes
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 12, 2016, 05:35:14 PM
Name 2 philosophers whose names sound like sexually transmitted diseases.

New answer: Benedito and René.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 12, 2016, 06:27:56 PM
I see you are watching a little porn there. Who are those people?




new answer: not as often as I would like
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 13, 2016, 04:31:20 AM
How frequently do US presidents get assassinated?

New answer: More often than I feel comfortable with.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 13, 2016, 07:09:44 AM
How often does your husband ask for a blowjob?




new answer: it's just a little vomit
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 14, 2016, 04:30:02 PM
What's this stain on the inside of your gimp mask?

New answer: I used a straw.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 14, 2016, 05:51:57 PM
While dining with Prince Charles and the Duchess, did you finish your consommé ?



new answer: pink waders
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on November 15, 2016, 03:10:00 PM
What are you wearing to the Donald Trump, Litigator and Thief, Inauguration?



      New answer: Speed bumps
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 15, 2016, 04:30:40 PM
What do amphetamine users get given on their birthday?

New answer: It has been a terrible election, but now it's time to chill, have a few glasses of wine, and make love on the beach.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on November 16, 2016, 04:19:04 AM
 Why is there a man wearing black underwear and a white, pull over rabbit mask, screeching into the microphone on stage at the Comedy Club?


There goes the global neighborhood! What in the Hell can we do to keep the rest of the world from hating us any more than they already do?
   Better yet, what can I do forget about it?





New answer:  You could blame it on South Park but I think Cartman acted alone.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 16, 2016, 04:39:19 AM
Why does Kyle's mum have a sore bottom?

New answer: Today is the day Mose Allison died.  :'(
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on November 16, 2016, 04:54:14 AM


    Why do The Blues feel profoundly bluer today?



           
        New answer: It's the kind of key that doesn't open doors.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 16, 2016, 08:07:02 AM
Why do you have pictures of windows all over your computer keyboard?





new answer: live and learn
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on November 17, 2016, 09:43:34 PM


What is the new motto for the suicide prevention organizations?




  New answer:  Jeremy Clarkson and his new show
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 18, 2016, 04:21:51 AM
What is the UK economy built on?

New answer: Without hesitation, repetition or deviation.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 18, 2016, 09:55:30 AM
Do you love me?




new answer: like a ton of bricks
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on November 18, 2016, 11:56:15 AM
How much do you love me?

New answer:  One per head, and one for the pot.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 19, 2016, 03:51:42 AM
How many kittens do you put in your Irish stew?

New answer: I'm sorry I don't have a clue.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 19, 2016, 07:47:08 AM
How do you satisfy a woman?



new answer: snips and snails and puppy dog tails
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on November 20, 2016, 03:30:21 AM
What is in the new Trump brand cereal we'll all be forced to swallow?




         New answer: Andy Gump and Pinkerton
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on November 20, 2016, 09:57:49 AM
I understand you've hired private detectives to find your runaway wife, even though you were in two minds about taking her back.  Who did you instruct?

New answer:  Reindeer games.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 21, 2016, 03:46:34 PM
What the hell is this <Santa holds up a dildo> doing in your bedroom, Blitzen?






new answer: red nose
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 22, 2016, 02:57:16 AM
What is you most pointless superpower?

New answer: Blue nose.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 22, 2016, 08:55:17 AM
How do you find aristocratic Eskimos?




new answer: field trip
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on November 23, 2016, 02:17:54 PM
Why is that meadow upside down?

New answer: Oxeye daisies and spuds.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Beverleyc4 on November 23, 2016, 04:07:25 PM
Question: How do you make vegetarian mashed potato?

Answer: I still have the pen of my grandmother's aunt.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on November 24, 2016, 06:26:42 AM
How much do you remember of your school French lessons?

New answer:  Hot and steamy, except for the bit in the middle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 25, 2016, 02:28:23 AM
What are those ice dildos like?

New answer: Afterwards there was just a small puddle on the bedroom floor.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 26, 2016, 08:49:45 AM
Where's that yappy little ankle-biter chihuahua/Pomeranian mix you used to have?


new answer: it's a typo
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 27, 2016, 04:33:21 AM
Why does it have 'coffee' given as your blood group on your medical records?

New answer: I still have my dog-tags.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 27, 2016, 06:59:44 AM
[coldheartedly shakes tin of ashes] So is there nothing left of Fido?




new answer: Crossing the River Styx
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on November 27, 2016, 09:32:50 AM
What are these loosely tied-together branches that you've dropped in the stream with a paddle on top?

New answer:  I thought it was a cow, though I've wondered since.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 27, 2016, 11:15:45 AM
What are you barbecuing?



new answer: bows and arrows
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 27, 2016, 01:16:23 PM
What sort of outrageous fortune did Geronimo suffer before taking up arms against a sea of cowboys?

New answer: Get thee to a nunnery!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jefferson on December 12, 2016, 02:39:18 PM
How does a sticky-fingered hamster bowl?

A colossal mistake involving a pregnant starlet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Beverleyc4 on December 12, 2016, 06:12:37 PM
Asking a journalist to keep it a secret!

answer
It wasn't me your lordship
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 13, 2016, 02:42:26 AM
Which one of you shat in my wig?

New answer: There was a maniac loose in the colony.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on December 14, 2016, 04:24:54 AM
Why did the ants suddenly take to the air in the middle of summer?

New answer:  Not very sweet - more piquant.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 14, 2016, 08:44:21 AM
What did the devilish Feline in the Toque cook up for dessert?




new answer: a box of wine!



Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 14, 2016, 02:30:58 PM
How do you start a night out?

New answer: Stir it with your finger.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 15, 2016, 08:37:50 AM
This vat of chocolate pudding is thickening too fast; what should I do?





new answer: shiitake mushrooms
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 15, 2016, 08:48:37 AM
If you had to guess, what do you think Donald Trump's scrotum looks like?

New answer: On roller skates.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 28, 2017, 07:51:53 AM
What's the fastest way to get down Mount Everest?




new answer: sitting at the bus stop
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on January 28, 2017, 09:57:44 AM
So where did you meet your new millionaire boyfriend?

New answer:  I used to have one - in fact, this is the one I used to have!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 28, 2017, 01:08:20 PM
Friend hanging on the arm of her new beau: Where is your husband?




new answer: the wind whispering through the treetops
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on January 29, 2017, 03:50:17 AM
Now that the US Government has placed a gag order on information until approved by government censors, what method of delivery will the US Forest Service use to pass updated information about National, State, and Regional Park conditions to tourists?





New answer: It is etched on his tombstone.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on January 29, 2017, 06:15:16 AM
Did your father really once say, "Don't be a little shit all your life."?



New answer: Look, I have them right here. You can stop filibustering now.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on January 29, 2017, 07:11:40 AM
I seem to have lost my senses. Where are my senses?




new answer: nothing political
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on January 29, 2017, 10:22:00 AM
What is Donald doing when you fantasise about him?

New answer: That is quite difficult if you have tiny hands.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on February 04, 2017, 11:39:51 AM
Can you write, on the back of a postage stamp, all the good reasons for electing a buffoon as president?

New answer:  I'm sorry, I haven't got a clue.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on February 04, 2017, 12:56:20 PM
Why does Samantha need to keep score?

New answer: No one gets any points.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on February 04, 2017, 02:33:49 PM
Can we play bows-and-arrows in the woods? 

New answer:  We call it toxophily.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 04, 2017, 06:40:08 PM
How's the water in that Pennsylvania city known for Brotherly Love?



new answer: Sweet Caroline
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on February 05, 2017, 03:52:05 AM
Have you anything in the way of a snack for the journey, Alice?

New answer:  Second prize was a cuddly toy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 05, 2017, 06:55:47 AM
Where did you get that stupid pillow emblazoned with a picture of Ryan Gosling?



new answer: cold coffee and stale bread
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on February 06, 2017, 01:40:41 AM


What are they serving in the coach section on airline flights these days?



New answer: That's why we took the tent.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on February 06, 2017, 04:06:41 AM
You went to a pop festival and got charged with loitering with intent?

New answer:  My grandfather was the first to own one in these parts.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on February 06, 2017, 11:25:02 AM
Is that a wheel made out of stone?




new answer: fire and brimstone
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on February 07, 2017, 03:49:52 AM
What did your grandmother give him for inventing the Thing With No Corners?

New answer:  Frozen foods are in the other aisle.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: thatollie on February 11, 2017, 05:35:20 PM
Why is there only soup?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gu2CZQ5eyBs

Novel Answer: That was something.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on October 05, 2017, 06:23:13 AM
So, how was it?


New Answer:  Butter, oil, and a strong belief in yourself.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 05, 2017, 06:57:30 AM
What should I wear to my ex's wedding?

New answer:  If I'd wanted one of those, I wouldn't have bought a hula-hoop!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Rachael on October 05, 2017, 07:12:20 AM
Would you care to try our new Grow-Up Fast pill?


New answer: the bottom of my personal trash can.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 05, 2017, 02:27:54 PM
Where did you hang that self-portrait I gave you?

New answer:  I'd never have thought of serving it with rhubarb.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on October 16, 2017, 01:09:44 AM
This is why our process server is the most successful when it comes to serving a legal document for a lawsuit.


New answer: It's the only thing keeping me sane right now.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 16, 2017, 04:07:20 AM
Gin?

New answer:  Heave-ho, me hearties!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 17, 2017, 07:59:45 AM
Can you carry this hooker upstairs? She seems to have passed out.




new answer: Ding, dong, the witch is dead.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 17, 2017, 03:14:31 PM
One of the Chinese porters has collapsed.  Since they're twins we're not sure who it is - does anyone speak Mandarin well enough to ask?

New answer:  The Emperor has no clothes!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 17, 2017, 05:17:58 PM
Mark H. was seen in the buff again, well except for those silly matching crowns he wears, small and large. What was he yelling at the time?




new answer: just one muffin
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 18, 2017, 08:57:48 AM
How many people does it take to change an arc-light without turning the power off first?

New answer: I spent my first wage-packet on it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 18, 2017, 09:51:00 AM
Did you ever engage a hooker?




new answer: lice and a case of the sniffles
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 18, 2017, 10:02:32 AM
What did you get at your birthday party?

New answer:  He'll sit up and beg for a squeaky ball.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 18, 2017, 04:07:44 PM
What happens when Gyppo has a visit from his granddaughter?




new answer: three blind mice
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 19, 2017, 04:25:01 AM
How do I keep my arthritic cat happy?

New answer:  Makes a change from broccoli.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 19, 2017, 06:52:28 AM
Do you really like adding chopped tree bark to your salads?



new answer: fortified and strengthened
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 20, 2017, 01:52:29 PM
Why did you change the name of your house from 32 Acacia Avenue to Thunderhold?

New answer: I forgot the oubliette. 

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mr. Barry on October 21, 2017, 02:52:53 AM
What happened when the torture chamber escaped my memory?


New Answer:                  A Cow Pie.   
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 21, 2017, 03:54:54 AM
What do you get if you cross a dairy shorthorn with a magpie?

New answer:  I embarrass myself every time I try to pronounce it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 21, 2017, 08:02:04 AM
You tell people you're Irish but you were born in Cwmystwyth, Wales. Why do you do that?



new answer: bagpipes
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 21, 2017, 09:53:24 AM
So if he isn't snogging an octopus, what is the man in the pleated skirt doing?

New answer:  Haggis, and a wee dram of single malt whisky.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 21, 2017, 06:54:13 PM
What's under that kilt?



new answer: Bond, Jail Bond
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 23, 2017, 09:42:57 AM
Who got you sprung from prison?

New answer:  It's amazing what you can catch in a canal!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 23, 2017, 01:15:05 PM
"Where did you get that cute gondolier?"



new answer: a magenta pencil
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 24, 2017, 09:41:05 AM
How do the editors at "Cosmopolitan" mark their corrections?

New answer:  It seems a perfectly reasonable place to keep a goat.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 24, 2017, 05:20:26 PM
What is that sound coming from the Oval Office?



new answer: surely not, Mr. President
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 25, 2017, 03:54:26 AM
"That button - the red one - it is a fake, isn't it?  'Cause I just pressed it, to see if anything'd happen."

New answer:  They appear to be missiles, sir.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 25, 2017, 06:50:36 PM
"What are those little blippy things on the radar?" asked the dumbest man in the room.



new answer: great balls of fire!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mr. Barry on October 27, 2017, 01:00:30 AM
What happened when Granddaddy sat on the Stove?

New Answer:  Pork Pie Hat
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 27, 2017, 04:01:57 AM
Now, have you everything you need for a day out at the Great Yorkshire Show?

New answer:  I'm not expecting rain.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 27, 2017, 07:06:45 AM
What did that naked rambler just say to you?



new answer: fortunately, no
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 28, 2017, 04:25:38 AM
And did it?

New answer:  A sandwich and a pacamac
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on October 28, 2017, 08:11:54 AM
The date would have been far more romantic if only he remembered to pack everything. Do you know what he forgot?



new answer: denture cream
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on October 28, 2017, 01:52:09 PM
I asked for cream for my strawberries, and do you know what they brought me?

New answer:  That's why he planted tulips!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on November 02, 2017, 05:13:52 AM

Did Gyppo really rip out his Rambo Primroses for beating up the other flowers in his garden?

 

New answer: She parked in wrong parking space.


Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 02, 2017, 07:25:21 AM
And what happened there?
(http://massivecrashtv.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/TOP-OF-THE-BEST-CAR-CRASHES-EVER-ULTIMATE-EPIC-FAILS-WITH-STUPID-DRIVERS-IN-HORRIBLE-ACCIDENTS.jpg)




new answer: she was warned
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on November 02, 2017, 11:18:32 AM
Didn't she know that tanks are designed to keep going come what may?

New answer:  Oh - that kind of tank!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 03, 2017, 07:12:50 AM
You mean we weren't talking about a "wife beater" shirt?




new answer: piping hot tea
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on November 03, 2017, 10:12:10 AM
Whatever happened to that wife-beater shirt you used to wear all the time?

New answer:  Of course, I had to lie on the insurance claim.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 05, 2017, 05:09:09 PM
Grieving widow of a murder victim: It was double indemnity on my husband's life insurance policy.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on November 07, 2017, 03:57:31 AM
Um - forget something, Chick?
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 08, 2017, 10:49:21 AM
Um - forget something, Chick?

Why, yes, I did. I'm very old and senile, you know.


new answer: winter is coming
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on November 08, 2017, 01:50:17 PM
Why is the second Mrs de Winter peering into the middle distance all expectantly like that?

New answer:  You can't take your granny on a helter-skelter!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on November 15, 2017, 04:40:13 AM
She's old, she's seen it all, and she doesn't get out very often. What else was I supposed to do with her?



New answer: I've succumbed to joining the South Park viewership and liking it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on November 15, 2017, 10:57:20 AM
And may I ask what prompted you to seek psychiatric help?

New answer:  I tried washing it, but now it's glowing blue!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 16, 2017, 02:59:14 AM
What's wrong with your bum?

New answer: Eventually she decided on a baboon.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 16, 2017, 07:04:08 AM
After swiping left so many times, who did she finally choose?


new answer: The Hounds of Hell
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 16, 2017, 08:34:06 AM
Can you help me with a title for my new book ... about my ex-wives?

New answer: That's OK, but don't read page 42!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 30, 2017, 07:00:29 AM
What did Douglas Adams tell you?



new answer: From the heart
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on November 30, 2017, 09:33:08 AM
Do you know, people were so envious of my new boyfriend they told me you were a ghoul!  How did you make this delicious stew?

New answer:  Wheat, oats and barley.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 30, 2017, 12:41:26 PM
Roy Rogers' wife seemed really angry after they had dinner. What did he feed her?




new answer: Six shooter
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on November 30, 2017, 03:18:21 PM
What happened to that horse he used to have?

New answer:  Could have been worse, could have been Trigger.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on November 30, 2017, 04:21:18 PM
Did you enjoy your night of passion with Roy Rogers?

New answer: She was asleep in the loggia.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on November 30, 2017, 07:13:29 PM
This is a total disaster; where is your fairy godmother?


new answer: a pumpkin, you fool
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on December 01, 2017, 03:50:29 AM
You said you could turn this pump into a golden carriage, didn't you?

New answer:  Mine's more of a hairy godmother.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 01, 2017, 07:08:54 AM
Matilda, are you ready for the Princely Ball? What in the hell are you doing wearing a full beard?



New answer: Just a dagger
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on December 01, 2017, 08:03:51 AM
What would be an affective deterrent against sexual harassment?


    New answer: The doughnuts have holes in them.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 01, 2017, 11:01:24 AM
Why are doughnuts and sausages such a lurid breakfast?



new answer: A top hat and a walking stick
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on December 01, 2017, 02:21:33 PM
You can't go to a royal investiture in your birthday suit!  What was the suggested dress-code?

New answer:  Chips with everything.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 03, 2017, 06:50:47 AM
What did you win in your Saturday night poker game?



new answer: lemonade
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on December 03, 2017, 11:09:03 AM
Who you gonna call if your citrus is sick?

New answer:  pale pink, with a faint hint of violet.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Vogel on December 03, 2017, 11:38:51 AM
How would you describe your husband's hemorrhoids?

New Answer: A flyswatter ought to take care of it.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on December 03, 2017, 03:49:51 PM
Is it true, Bilbo, that the dragon has left the Lonely Mountain and is heading this way?

New answer:  That's what I call rock music!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 04, 2017, 05:59:06 AM
Why are you using a lump of granite to tap out the rhythm of The Sash on that orangeman's head?

New answer: If at first you don't succeed, march, march and march again.

Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 04, 2017, 06:46:09 AM
What happened to April's arrival?



new answer: a puddle of water
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 04, 2017, 07:06:57 AM
What became of your icy lover?

New answer: It was so clold it was hot.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 07, 2017, 06:33:39 AM
What did you think of your touch typing class?



New answer: cold coffee and biscuits
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 07, 2017, 06:36:55 AM
What do you enjoy most about being tardy?

New answer: I was wearing a hearing aid as a disguise.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Spell Chick on December 08, 2017, 06:40:35 AM
However did you manage to blend in at the Old Folks' Home?




new answer: just use your credit card
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mark H on December 08, 2017, 06:44:37 AM
How do I get your skirt off?!

New answer: There were no seats left and my ferret needed a rest.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Mr. Barry on December 13, 2017, 12:46:24 PM
Where did you get that hat?

New Answer: Freudian slip
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: Jo Bannister on December 13, 2017, 02:37:50 PM
What do you wear under a dreamy party-frock?

New answer:  This is fancy-dress!
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on January 10, 2019, 05:35:43 AM
What did Raggedy Ann say when admonished by the Queen's protocol advisers for dressing in rags?








New Answer:


It's all because of that damn wall.
Title: Re: If this is the answer...
Post by: DGSquared on January 27, 2019, 04:01:26 AM
Why is Trump's face always so orange and red?










McDonald's cheeseburgers.