My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: eric on November 17, 2009, 10:57:20 PM

Title: How Grunion 2
Post by: eric on November 17, 2009, 10:57:20 PM
I was cleaning up today and of course, silly self, I wiped out a poem
that I meant to keep.  So I reconstructed it from memory and here it is.  tell me if you think you like this as much or more than the old one, if you can remember it.  this has better line breaks, for example.  one thing I notice about this one in comparison to, say, Li-Young Lee, is that he is much more specific, focused ... this one is much more oblique, trying to say a lot.  it is old style in that way, and maybe that's not  so great at present.
Cracked  LS

Title: Re: new version of the How Long/CLS poem
Post by: Shard on November 18, 2009, 07:28:44 AM
Yes, I remember the original very vividly, and I like what you have done with this edit, Eric. The newly added stanza-- "buck cling..." -- the passion's about to break, the sympathetic union between us and the world is captured very well. Reading this, I was struck by one thought: given that you have integrated the list-like imagery ("our oldsmobile crackers yet / on your legs and tires", wind-brave flagging daughter", "the suns in baggy pants"), I'm tempted to suggest you end on "burnt in village mud and camel shit". It's a radical suggestion, I know, and of course it's take or toss-- your poem, your call-- but I feel that what follows the line in question-- although it adds great ambiance-- transports the reader elsewhere, whereas the boundary line, so to speak, hints at this new setting, leaves more the reader's imagination. Just a thought. I enjoyed this again. Thank you.
Title: Re: new version of the How Long/CLS poem
Post by: eric on November 18, 2009, 09:15:03 AM
That's a good fix.  I was concerned that this thing was two poems, not one, and would have thought the break came earlier.  But yours makes better sense and is lovely.