My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: Mark H on November 15, 2009, 11:41:10 AM

Title: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: Mark H on November 15, 2009, 11:41:10 AM
No rules, no voting, just post your tomato poem as a reply to this thread.
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: Gyppo on November 15, 2009, 12:32:41 PM
Someone has to start the ball rolling.  I'm currently between chapters and in a funny mood  So...

I am a 'cherry' tomato,
still 'on the vine' as it happens.
This means I'm virgin,
pure,
untouched,
unspoiled.

Unlike my bigger cousins
who have been
right royally fucked.
Left, Right, and Centre,
with pesticides,
poison sprays,
and genetic splicing.

Seriously now,
where would you rather
sink your teeth?

Gyppo
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: eric on November 15, 2009, 12:39:34 PM
Um, that's a bit of telling isn't it Gyppo?  But, um, what about the part you're not telling us?  Er, having to do with certain electronic equipment?  And rodents?  In your life as a red fruit, um, er, have you been squirting your wild oats elsewhere?  Just curious what your new bride has to say about things  like that.  

Congratulations by the way, old sod.  Best wishes to you and Miss K.

(Erghh)
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: Akeith (Gray) on November 15, 2009, 12:39:58 PM
Well, I'll kick the ball along, so watch out in left field...



Tom Foolery Or Supper In The Old Folks Home  


Potatoes?
What’s this about potatoes?
Somebody get me a spoon and get out of my way.

Mmmm!
I love potatoes.
Fried, baked, boiled, scrambled.
Even grilled.

Mom always said,
it’s the Irish in me,
although I’m a Heinz 57, a mutt of fine repute,
a Texan.

So, then, what’s up with this blue plate of green fried tomatoes,
and with ranchero dressing on the side?

That’s salad. Not food.
That’s what you look at when you’re waiting on the food.
That’s a promissory note that meat is on the way.*

Ugh.
Carnivore’s nightmare indeed.

Lille? Pete?
Fetch me my hearing aid.
I left it beside the bed when I grabbed my teeth.



(* stolen borrowed from John Pinette)
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: Mark H on November 15, 2009, 01:08:13 PM
Ambition Thwarted

Italian and vine ripened;
he looked down his stem
at those feeble Dutch
poly-tunnel peasants
with their sluttish
iceberg companions
and chav-like packaging.

Tomato was destined
for greatness.
His ultimate sacrifice
would add piquancy
and gusto
to nothing less than
a vigorous Tuscan Ragu.

And yet,
as super hated dust settled
behind the van trundling
down the farm track,
he was sure he glimpsed
the logo of the Beast:

HEINZ


Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: eric on November 15, 2009, 08:59:22 PM
Hillbilly

Ripe, red, round,
smooth skinned

firm, fleshly, juicy,
very juicy, red
(did I say red?)
and tasty, god how tasty,
lovely, sweet, salty,
fine, so fine.

I love her tender
seedy, juicy,
real-goodness squeeze.
She’s even good to eat,
 
nutritious, delicious,
perspicacious,
multivalent,
tight as a cherry  
inhalant
 
but most salient
sneaks over me
like a ninja.

She sits on the plate surrounded
by blood oranges
dissembling, waiting
for the train,
my mouth,
a Ming Dynasty tongue
or something like it

with hot sauce
and chocolate
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: Spell Chick on November 16, 2009, 08:28:36 AM
Full, voluptuous, taunting
Teasing hanging there
Begging to be touched, plucked
Savored.

Luscious and ripe
Paired for delight

Get your mind out of the gutter

I'm speaking of the gardener's fruit
Tomatoes
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: eric on November 16, 2009, 10:46:59 AM
Is the gutter where you usually do it, Patti? 

If I may say so, dear, your poem is offensively bad.  To whom can I complain about this violation of the standards of the arbiters of taste?
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: eric on November 16, 2009, 11:26:04 AM
On the other hand, Shard's is brilliant and gorgeous, like a Big Rainbow on a steak plank.
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: eric on November 16, 2009, 03:55:21 PM
A few comments Shard.  Does setting = sitting in the last line?
Are you telling instead of showing when you say you want to fuck the gentleman with the beard in his garden, or does this fall under a "musing" exception, but if so what is it?  I suppose it works anyway.  But as you use it, is fuck an abstraction?  This is a language question I've long wondered about, actually.
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: Spell Chick on November 16, 2009, 04:04:07 PM
Is the gutter where you usually do it, Patti? 

If I may say so, dear, your poem is offensively bad.  To whom can I complain about this violation of the standards of the arbiters of taste?

I think you complain to the same place I complain for a personal attack. ;D
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: eric on November 16, 2009, 04:24:33 PM
That's what I thought.  Nice effort, though, dear.
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: Shard on November 16, 2009, 04:47:38 PM
Eric-- "setting": no, actually, I did proofread the poem before posting-- making sure my dyslexia didn't get the better of me. I wanted "setting"-- the intransitive verb (i.e. the sun sets) to mean to "sink" or similar. Is "fucking" an abstraction? I dunno. Is "eating", "sleeping", "drinking"-- I mean, certainly one could use a metonymy of those words. They're still "large" words. So, in that respect, yes, I think the girl in my poem is being overly, bashfully telling. When writing this, I thought the directness of that line would be apt. Maybe not.

Spell Chick-- I thought your poem had a nice premise. This probably isn't the right place to post a critique, but Eric started it!  :D
So, I think if you were to describe the "teasing and taunting" nature of the tomatoes, to give tomatoes a stronger innuendo, I think the last line will be far more effective, poignant even. Just my two cents. I did enjoy reading it.
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: Spell Chick on November 16, 2009, 06:10:31 PM
Shard, Thanks. I'm not really a poet, but I do like to play with words.
I'm not sure how tomatoes tease and taunt. :D  If I did, I would take a stab at showing ...
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: Mark H on November 16, 2009, 06:29:53 PM
A tomato-faced fella named Eric
was celibate just like a cleric.
He would not procreate
but he did masturbate
and write poems on themes esoteric.
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: eric on November 16, 2009, 06:53:20 PM
Response to Shard (not Mark)

Eric-- "setting": no, actually, I did proofread the poem before posting-- making sure my dyslexia didn't get the better of me. I wanted "setting"-- the intransitive verb (i.e. the sun sets) to mean to "sink" or similar.

You proofread?  You mean this amazing writer of poems actually proofreads too?  Well.  But it's not a proofreading prob ... The sun can set, but people sit.  There is no auto-sinking meaning for "set." The sun, moon, etc., can set when they appear to move toward the  horizon of the earth, thus "sink" ...  there may be a colloquial use of set in the sense of "settle" -- but it's not standard English.  For me, the use of set just appears wrong, though some others may not stumble.  I suggest placating the generation of whom N.'s guy is part (at least) by using settle or something.

Is "fucking" an abstraction? I dunno. Is "eating", "sleeping", "drinking"-- I mean, certainly one could use a metonymy of those words. They're still "large" words.

They certainly describe real things in the physical world, of course eating (for example) could be chewing, tasting, gulping, swallowing, digesting; and fucking could be broken down into specific component parts, I mean, you might be doing it well and truly and only focus on some of those parts but not others.  So yeah, it is a  bit of an abstraction I guess,  you'd think this was the most non-abstract of words, but not really.  I guess that it describes a range of activities, though, does not mean it's vague in the common understanding.  We know it when we see it.

So, in that respect, yes, I think the girl in my poem is being overly, bashfully telling. When writing this, I thought the directness of that line would be apt. Maybe not.

Well, here, I think maybe you get a pass, no ticket from the telling police.  She is describing what she wants to tell him.  Technically that's telling, but she is also being extremely forthright about what she wants to do.   And you're right, the line is very direct and powerful.  I like it.  For me, at least, this is once of the places where telling works.  
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: eric on November 16, 2009, 07:00:28 PM
At last, there's a true limerick!  Nice job, old cob.

And I use the terms "old" and "cob" advisedly.
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: Mark H on November 16, 2009, 07:05:17 PM
... The sun can set, but people sit.  There is no auto-sinking meaning for "set." The sun, moon, etc., can set when they appear to move toward the  horizon of the earth, thus "sink" ...  there may be a colloquial use of set in the sense of "settle" -- but it's not standard English.  For me, the use of set just appears wrong ...

Gelatin sets. What's more, it seems to do so without appearing to move towards to horizon.  ;)
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: eric on November 16, 2009, 07:07:04 PM
Hm, does this mean you've been watching the gelatin?  Exciting process, hm lad? 
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: Mark H on November 16, 2009, 07:13:05 PM
I have both absolute
faith
that tomato jell-o
will transmogrify from
viscus liquid
to fruity colloid
and empirical evidence
(from Darwin no less)
that over time
-- through a process of unnatural delectation --
it will evolve into
a wobbly blob.
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: eric on November 16, 2009, 07:15:50 PM
Yes, but you're not calling Shard a wobbly, fruity blob are you?  Well I can see fruity (in the sense of spurting cherry tomatoes, etc.)
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: Mark H on November 17, 2009, 04:14:12 AM
concrete
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: Shard on November 17, 2009, 08:33:32 AM
All right-- Eric, I have my spell check on when typing up my pieces-- I aim pen to paper before that-- and I do pay attention to the words I'm typing. With this one, I went back and reread more than once. I agree with you about "setting". "settle" would work. I'll fix it. Thanks. I can't argue with you about the abstractions, just letting you know, I'm a bulbous blob of nectar. :-)

Spell Chick-- I'll give you an example from Li-Young Lee's poem "Persimmons":

In sixth grade Mrs. Walker
slapped the back of my head
and made me stand in the corner
for not knowing the difference
between persimmon and precision.
How to choose

persimmons. This is precision.
Ripe ones are soft and brown-spotted.
Sniff the bottoms. The sweet one
will be fragrant. How to eat:
put the knife away, lay down newspaper.
Peel the skin tenderly, not to tear the meat.
Chew the skin, suck it,
and swallow. Now, eat
the meat of the fruit,
so sweet,
all of it, to the heart.

Donna undresses, her stomach is white.
In the yard, dewy and shivering
with crickets, we lie naked,
face-up, face-down.
I teach her Chinese.
Crickets: chiu chiu. Dew: I’ve forgotten.
Naked:   I’ve forgotten.
Ni, wo:   you and me.
I part her legs,
remember to tell her
she is beautiful as the moon.

Note: the entire poem is a lot longer-- these are only the first three stanzas. See how he describes the persimmons? Such minute, sensory details. It's a tantalizing experience, and it's a precursor of the erotic scene. You might try something similar.
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: eric on November 17, 2009, 09:50:22 AM
OK, that's a brilliant review for Patti (Sp Chk), and it's only 6 lines long, with a quote.  I love Li-Young Lee, Amie introduced me to his stuff a while back.  Could you send me that whole poem by PM (so as not to mess with his copyright?)  It's such a pleasure to have an accomplished reader (that would  be you) to learn from.

Next thing you might do is take one of your long and intensely syntaxed, excruciatingly worded reviews and translate it into plain language with simple, declarative sentences in English.   But here's the trick -- do not lose an iota of the complexity, nuance, lit background or atmosphere.  You can use the Lee one for an example, but go beyond it.

Hi Patti, did we make up sufficiently last night?  Sorry I was harsh.

While not sleeping last night I spent a long time thinking about how  a person could eat in numerous positions, against the wall, draped on the couch, on the floor, on her knees folded under her, on her hands and knees on the bed, and etc.  Now I get up and the first thing I see is Li-Young Lee doing the job much better.  Ah well, I think I'll have coffee.
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: bowmore bill on November 17, 2009, 07:21:05 PM
Someone has to start the ball rolling.  I'm currently between chapters and in a funny mood  So...

I am a 'cherry' tomato,
still 'on the vine' as it happens.
This means I'm virgin,
pure,
untouched,
unspoiled.

Unlike my bigger cousins
who have been
right royally fucked.
Left, Right, and Centre,
with pesticides,
poison sprays,
and genetic splicing.

Seriously now,
where would you rather
sink your teeth?

Gyppo
Hi gyppo, on tomatoes, i like your style. Particularly the first verse, i'm one of those, at 71.
Title: Re: Mini challenge — Tomatoes!
Post by: pb on November 18, 2009, 04:03:20 AM
a spoonful to savour,
brood but no din,
my balls, like tomater,
dribble down her chin