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Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: 13Dianne on October 29, 2009, 09:51:10 PM

Title: Perfection is Boring
Post by: 13Dianne on October 29, 2009, 09:51:10 PM

I am a fiction writer first and foremost, but because of some workshops I have been doing we are getting into a lot of poetry. So, I would like complete honest feedback on ANYTHING I post (especially poetry). I'm a big girl, I can take, and there is much room for improvement.

Thanks for reading.

13 Dianne

Perfection is Boring

I’ve counted the leaves on this same tree
More than six hundred times.
All the greens around me
are starting to blend together
In a bright collage
 That accents
The morning sky.
I know it is going to be sunny,
I know there’s no chance of rain,
I know the temperature will be seventy,
Adam struts about,
with a half smile.
Using his eyebrows
and first finger
he nods hello to every animal he passes,
He walks right by me
not noticing my twirling thumbs.
I sit on the edge of this lake in Eden
Circling my toes
Around the prism of fish, they nibble
On my skin and ride the waves I make
When I kick out my foot.
I count them, twirl them, swim with them,
I waste hours napping under trees
Lying in thick perfect grass
That only feels like a tiger’s teeth
Going into my back.
the Voice cuts through the monotonous
days, ordering this and obey me that,
just adding weight to my heavy load
that I must carry around
He then says “not that tree”
My ears move on their own
To a higher point on my head
Trying to hear
Why not that tree?
“I forbid it.”
Adam nods in total understanding
With a determined face to stay away from
The tree that now has a glow,
Radiating behind all the others
That have become blurred together
Like a watercolor painting.
Why not that tree?
For seven days I ignore the shining
Beacon, the crisp bark taunting me,
The dark leaves rustling together
Sounding like a symphony of just drums,
Soft drums,
And then the wind instruments are cued,
Once I see the apple.
It is like feeling the power of fire on your skin
For the first time,
I can taste it just from its maroon shell
That has a trickle of dew rolling down its side.
It would taste different then the others
That I have to eat

Title: Re: Perfection is Boring
Post by: oxymoron on October 29, 2009, 10:13:31 PM
I like the poem, as a concept.

I really think it would benefit to have STANZAS! this poem would read and flow much better if there were separations in your poem. Also your L6 is indented, is this because you have used the word 'accent' or is it just an error?

Following from there, I find that the repetitiveness of L8-10 takes away from the poem - maybe try losing the I's:

"There is no place for rain, it is
always sunny, with a temperature of
seventy. Everyday. "

I just have some practical questions:
Also, when you bring in Adam - the only thing you have to say is that he doesn't notice you 'twirling your thumbs' -- I'm not sure if this is in reference to 'being bored' or if its biblical in any sort - but twirling your thumbs is fairly cliche - and though it serves purpose here, I'm not sure if twirling thumbs is very noticeable least when I read this line, my reaction was 'so what?'

'Like a tiger's teeth going through my back' - I think a softer reference here might be better - a tiger's teeth through your back couldn't be all that relaxing. 

To a higher point on my head
Trying to hear
Why not that tree?
“I forbid it.”

I didn't feel that the 'why not that tree?' was needed, since you repeat it below.

Lastly - your last part - "for seven days I ignore that tree' starting from here I think you have your strongest lines. I enjoyed this part the most  !!!

Overall, the poem is a great concept and you have some very good images (especially in the last part), throw in some stanza breaks and a little tweaking of the first person narrative and I think it might be much better =) Good work. Welcome !
Title: Re: Perfection is Boring
Post by: oxymoron on October 29, 2009, 10:15:12 PM
p.s. love the title =)
Title: Re: Perfection is Boring
Post by: randolph on October 30, 2009, 07:58:01 AM
I enjoyed the concept too. There are some incongruencies - references to water colour paintings and symphonies, for instance, seem out of place because of the context (but maybe you intended these aspects to be anti-historical?). (An intriguing theological question: did music and painting exist prior to the fall...?)

Personally I liked the image of Eve sitting by a lake twiddling her thumbs, as Adam walks by oblivious. This made me smile.

I don't agree that the poem needs to be split into separate stanzas. For me it works well in its present form. You describe the tranquility and monotony of Eden humourously. Some of the rhythms feel a little clunky at times, but I'm not qualified to offer a more technical analysis - there is lots to commend here anyway. Well done!

Title: Re: Perfection is Boring
Post by: Bubbles on October 30, 2009, 05:38:49 PM
OK, I love this poem.
I like the idea of Eve being bored to death with Eden.  Great!
I thought the lines ..........

I know it is going to be sunny,
I know there’s no chance of rain,
I know the temperature will be seventy,


rolled really well, and I found myself believing them .........

I laughed at Adam walking by, pointing and raising his eyebrows, and ignoring her.

And I felt the poem conveyed the idea of the fatal attraction to the apple tree well, and I did
smile at her annoyance of God sending down his orders all the time, lovely.

Just a few points ...

 ... the lines ......

That only feels like a tiger’s teeth
Going into my back.

...          don't feel right to me.  'That only' is not needed, in my opinion, and the idea of the roughness of tiger teeth grass grates with the rest of the luxury of everything else in Eden........

and ...

...     My ears move on their own
To a higher point on my head
Trying to hear

...      doesn't sound right, either.  I'd change that. 

However, I really did like it.  And, I wouldn't change it into stanzas, it works well as it is.


Title: Re: Perfection is Boring
Post by: 13Dianne on October 30, 2009, 11:27:00 PM
Thanks for all the comments!!! I rewrote the poem in past tense like eve was speaking of what things were like before she got the boot (beings she wouldn't really have anything to compare it to while there).

It's a little longer then I want it to be, I usually write very short poems so...I wouldn't be opposed to shortening it I just like the story in it.

I took out the tiger's teeth line since there seemed to be an overwhelming consensus that it was bad and I agreed...

I tried to seperate it into stanzas just to see but I think that since its telling a story I like it all together.

I do appreciate everyone's thoughts!

13 Dianne

Perfection is Boring       

I remember counting the leaves
on the same tree
over six hundred times.
The jades blended together
as I stared-
waiting for them to change
into another color,
another shape,
another tree all together.
I would sigh as I watched
the constant abyss of turquoise above me.
Before my eyes opened
I knew it would be sunny,
no rain, not one cloud-
Once my eyes were opened
by the euphony of blue jays
and the smell of hibiscus,
I wouldn’t move.
I would lie still as the branches
I laid under.
The grass beneath me
was like a thick velvet carpet.
I would pull each blade out
in malice
letting the pieces lay and die.
I would do this
Adam strutted about,
Flaunting all his teeth
promoting his hard chest,
and constantly rubbing his own
smooth skin.
Using his eyebrows
and first finger,
he would nod hello to every animal he passed,
compete with them in swimming matches,
and find joy in racing.

He walked right by me
not noticing my twirling thumbs.
Paying no mind to my head
that lowered like it weighed
more then the tigers he wrestled.
He passed by me
A deep Voice,
powerful and unnerving,
would occasionally announce
revaluations to our virgin ears.
I didn’t know what I knew
Like I do now.
He said, “Not that Tree.”
I arose from the ground
lightly, with stealth,
as if I was sneaking behind a predator
to steal his prey.
Why not that tree?
“I forbid it.”
Adam nodded in total understanding
he stuck out his lip
and scowled at the tree,
like it had betrayed him and
he would never trust it again.
My eyes were engrossed in
the leaves all painted with dew
that now gleamed so bright
like they were newly polished.
The illumination would not leave my mind,
the beckoning plagued me-
whispered to me.
I dreamt of the tree
Of sleeping next to its forbidden trunk,
and awoke blushing and shaking.
Why not that tree?
I stepped closer.
A cacophony of blues and yellows,
of purples and oranges,
of colors I have never seen since,
melded together, swaying with a sift wind.
Among the hues one red bulb was highlighted-
like a butterfly wing against a dark rock.
The apple blinded my inner doubts with its glare,   
My mouth watered-
my hands rose-
as though they were controlled
by strings from some unseen master.
The maroon skin
felt so cool in my hands.
I let my teeth sink into it
and nectarous juice covered my tongue.
It was the sweetest fruit
I had ever tasted.
Still have tasted.
My whole body tingled
and a wave of warmth was sent through me.
Until the Voice came back.
Title: Re: Perfection is Boring
Post by: Mark H on October 31, 2009, 05:14:10 AM
Competition -- I could help thinking about Amie's amazing eve in eden poem. If I hadn't seen that I would have said your V1 has good. But I have so I can only say I quite liked V1 and pretty much agree with Rand's comments.

IMO you have "over-tweaked" (that's a technical term) to produce V2. To be honest I didn't even read the whole of V2 as I got bored.

Don't try too hard because when you do it will always look as if you were trying too hard. Until that is, you start trying hard not to make it look as if you were trying at all.

Anyway, got to go, as I think it's about time Adam had his say.


EDIT: Here's the link to Amie's (it contains swearing)