My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: zomggge on September 23, 2009, 10:33:24 AM

Title: Storm's headed.
Post by: zomggge on September 23, 2009, 10:33:24 AM
The wind crashes, the lightning strikes
The lights flicker, the powers out
Visions diffused, in the dark light
One man's soul, cries and shouts.
Title: Re: Storm's headed.
Post by: Victor on September 23, 2009, 12:28:32 PM
the first three lines are good. not inventive  (wind crashing/lightning striking )...but good.

the last line is a cop out.  soul ?
Title: Re: Storm's headed.
Post by: eric on September 23, 2009, 12:35:35 PM
it has a tight structure and reasonably good word use.  the first three lines are fairly hackneyed, i think.   sounds like "it was a dark and stormy night."  Power's is a contraction of "power is" so should show the apostrophe.  This is also a hidden passive verb (is).  In the next two lines, we have two double abstractions -- "visions diffused" and "one man's soul."  Just curious, how does a soul cry and shout?
Title: Re: Storm's headed.
Post by: John Yamrus on September 23, 2009, 02:05:27 PM
your punctuation flickers in and out like the power.  you use the archaic form of putting caps at the beginning of each line.  a good rule of thumb to see if a poem (of this type, as this test doesn't work on all styles) is to turn it into prose and then read it.  so, this is what you have:


The wind crashes, the lightning strikes The lights flicker, the powers out Visions diffused, in the dark light One man's soul, cries and shouts.

all in all, it's a bit of a mess, wouldn't you agree?  and i think you meant to write "power's".
john