My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: maverickmuse on August 27, 2009, 01:59:57 PM

Title: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: maverickmuse on August 27, 2009, 01:59:57 PM
If a guy hits a girl
Is it okay?
If the girl's insecurities
Made him that way?

And so the girl is the VICTIM
And also the CAUSE
The right and the wrong
Are a matter of flaws


** I know it's not particularly long but when extra piece I had seemed to rag it out. any reviews would be apprecitated. Thanks!! **
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: gibberatu on August 28, 2009, 08:30:48 PM
If a guy hits a girl because she is insecure it is not OK.
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: caseyquinn on August 29, 2009, 11:27:24 AM
This is a great example of how to write a poem without any use of images, engagement of the reader, showing, just simply telling and hoping the reader cares.... if a critic slaps a poet is it okay? if the poem made the critic that way?
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: John Yamrus on August 29, 2009, 12:20:12 PM
Casey...great comment.  and very true.  i had held off on commenting on this poem because i flat out just didn't know where to begin.  this poem is wrong for so many reasons...for the philosophy and thoughts it espouses...to the execution.  it's obvious the writer is a very young person.  my only hope is that he or she still has time to grow...both emotionally and as a writer.  time will tell.
jy
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: eric on August 29, 2009, 12:38:45 PM
I agree right down the line with John on this one.   Really good  job on the poem, Casey.  Might be the first or a very early one of a very young writer.  

To the poet, read a lot about poetry, study a bunch of poems if you want to improve.

About the philosophy ... either you're a male or a female.  

If you're male, it is never all right to hit a girl or a woman.  Ever.  No excuses.  Short skirts, insecurity, changing minds, arguments, nothing gives you a right to hit a female.  What part of "never" do you not understand?  

If you're female, and probably a girl or very young woman, you may be trying to figure out this tired, hackneyed excuse boys like to give for violence against their girlfriends etc.  Please refer to the answer, set out just above.  Boys can confuse girls, like men can sometimes confuse women, though this happens less often, heh. But do not ever put up with violence, you don't have to -- even though you might think you do.  Good luck.  
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: maverickmuse on August 29, 2009, 01:24:38 PM
thanks for your replies.

i am well aware that it is not okay for a guy to hit a girl, it was the point of the piece. it was my response to someone telling someone very close to me that they hit her because she wound him up. i was attempting to show the idiocy of that argument.

i am not trained in poetry in any way. just trying to put my feelings into words.

when it comes to the execution?? well i accept that my style may not be classic or everyone's cup of tea but i have one that seems to work for me. i dont write poems to impress. there's a lot on here that i think is utter garbage, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: John Yamrus on August 29, 2009, 01:46:33 PM


when it comes to the execution?? well i accept that my style may not be classic or everyone's cup of tea but i have one that seems to work for me..

please consider this...if everyone who read your poem is of the impression that (#1) you're quite young and #2 unschooled in poetry, then perhaps your style DOESN'T work.  if it did, we would have completely understood the point you were attempting to convey.  i'm not saying that to be mean, really...merely making what i hope is a constructive point.
take care.
yamrus
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: gibberatu on August 31, 2009, 06:11:23 PM
I can sympathise because I like rhyme and that's how I got started. The problem is that keeping the rhyme and the metre is difficult, and particularly with beginners, other aspects get sacrificed. Sometimes it can be archaic syntax (OK long ago), or tortured syntax (just not OK), both of which I've done. In this case you might have sacrificed the meaning to get the rhymes (I've done that as well). I don't advise giving up rhyme entirely and forever if you like the form. It's popular in rap, and I think with verses for children and comic verse, at least in the UK. However in mainstream possibly academic or erudite circles, it is out of fashion, I think because it was found too restrictive. I expect someone else can describe the situation better than I can.

In any case I would suggest you try writing this poem or some others without trying to rhyme.
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: Victor on September 01, 2009, 11:13:36 AM
agree with gib. its probably the rhyme that's fettering you. let it go.

its good only in songs.

Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: John Yamrus on September 01, 2009, 12:17:59 PM
agree wholeheartedly about rhyme being outmoded.  see, what you're doing with the rhymes in trying to adhere to forms that are now in the past.  people go around trying to write like byron or shelley or keats or wordsworth or whoever...what current writers of poetry forget is that those people and many maner others like them...were at the cutting edge of their craft.  they weren't trying to copy or emulate forms that were in the past...they were intent on breaking new ground.  rhyme is in the past.  victor's right...it's only good for in songs now.  rhyme is dead and i'm glad it is, because so few people can do it properly...and when it's done badly...it's a mess.
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: eric on September 01, 2009, 12:41:37 PM
You guys do know you're talking  to a ghost, right?  This kid left our forum some time ago.  I like the discussion, though ...

JY is talking about end rhymes, and there I agree almost 100%.  And especially when the rhyme dominates you instead of vice versa.  A rhyme that weirds out and subverts your meaning is seeming to be a fell beast that needs shooting.  Internal rhymes, like assonance, alliteration, consonance, and other stuff like that can make sonic devices of beauty.  But the key is to keep control of your sounds.  I will be studying how M. Place does that.
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: John Yamrus on September 01, 2009, 12:43:25 PM
didnm't know i was responding to a ghost.  well, at least that's something new...i'm usually just responding to the voices in my head!
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: eric on September 01, 2009, 12:57:18 PM
heh heh heh, that's you and me both!  notice when the name of the poster is blacked out, like this one's is ... and when you try to click on it you get nothing ... that's a sign she has resigned from the forum.

cheers.
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: Victor on September 01, 2009, 01:24:06 PM
I knew she has left...but there's nothing to keep her from checking this thread as a guest.
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: Jade on September 01, 2009, 01:24:30 PM
BRAVO casey!!!
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: Akeith (Gray) on September 01, 2009, 11:57:40 PM
I think I've been slapped silly here.
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: gibberatu on September 02, 2009, 10:32:12 AM
Please come back, maverickmuse. I hope you peep in as a guest and see this.
Look at all the things I 'fessed up to, and I had no idea until I was told. We have to be honest, aim to be helpful and mostly try to be nice but we are only human and don't always manage all three at once.
I am sure we can help you to write better poetry.
Title: Re: A Matter Of Flaws
Post by: Victor on September 02, 2009, 10:40:16 AM
I do hope she comes back.