My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: CarrieSheppard on May 12, 2006, 05:32:18 PM

Title: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: CarrieSheppard on May 12, 2006, 05:32:18 PM


Boys Pockets

String, bark peeled from a twig
Nestling comfortably amidst
The twist and fluff.
The shiny conker, scratched
And the paperclip
Jostling with the crackling wrapper
That inexpertly covers the last-chewed gum.

Unused handkerchief, folded still
But bearing the imprint of fingers
Who love mud, and stones,
and the great discoveries that lie
Unheeded at the feet of adults.


Carrie
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: Greeneyes on May 13, 2006, 02:06:52 PM
I liked your poem.  I could really envisage inside the boys pockets and then I thought about what the mother had to empty out of them before being washed uhh!
Short but sweet.
Greeneyes
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: caliban1 on May 13, 2006, 03:49:01 PM
This is really a fine poem. The imagery is great and it does scan, especially if it is read well. I had a longer explanation, but a glitch on my computer or the internet wiped it out twice.  I would be interesting to get into this subject a bit one day.  To me, scansion is a matter of identifying the stressed and unstressed syllables in a line of poetry.  In a short poem lack yours I think there is a basic iambic (unstressed, stressed) pattern which comes through when you read the whole poem. Of course, often at the beginning of a line there is a dropped syllable and often an extra syallable at the end. It doesn't matter when the whole poem is read well.

Caliban
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: CarrieSheppard on May 13, 2006, 06:46:34 PM
Ta Cal

I hear it in my head, and poetry that I was taught (many years ago though long forgotten) did centre around the old iambic pentameters and the like, so what I probably subconciously remember struggles through.  I must go back and study again at some point, remembering sonnets, turns, all that stuff.  Although form is not essential, a bit of discipline certainly helps me when I'm writing.

Thanks Greeneyes - I kind of built the image from experience, I admit! 

Glad it seems to be working.  Thanks for the comments,
Carrie
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: Lin on May 14, 2006, 03:19:51 AM
Ok I thought it was very good.   Do you need a capital A for 'and the great discoveries?'
I notice you use capital A on the first verse - 'And the paperclip'


 The 'Unused handkerchief - folded still' - reminded me of how I used to iron hankies and they were still in my son's pockets unused and still folded as I had left them - he preferred to use Kleenex Tissues!!

This poem for me works well - super!

Lin
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: katinka on May 14, 2006, 07:23:47 AM
Oddly, I am left dissatisfied with the ending, I think I would like to read on...just my first quick impression.
It's a lovely poem.
kat
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: CarrieSheppard on May 14, 2006, 12:32:00 PM
Yes, there should be a capital 'A'.  As to length - it may feel more comfortable if the verses were the same length - I will have a ponder. 

Ta for the helpful comments all,
Carrie
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: tharpa on May 15, 2006, 09:29:59 AM
Great poem. Especially liked the ending which like zoomed out from the in-your-face close up of a boy's pocket world. Don't touch it. Write ten more!!
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: CarrieSheppard on May 15, 2006, 03:53:56 PM
Thanks Tharpa

I'll let it boil in the back of my mind - if anything comes out extra, I'll try it on for size.  If not, well there it is.

Carrie
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: squidgy on May 17, 2006, 12:04:09 PM
I liked it! It was an easy read with a genuine feel for that small boys pocket!!
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: actpoet1 on May 18, 2006, 03:30:32 PM
The entire poem works, but I'm left empty at the end. There's no "  " for me to walk away with. Is that what you were trying to do?
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: CarrieSheppard on May 18, 2006, 05:02:03 PM
Interesting comment.  Different people seem to take something different away from this.  I felt that perhaps the two verses should be same length - but basically any additional lines didn't quite work.  I still think I could improve upon it.  Perhaps I should inspect my son's pockets for inspiration - then again at 15 maybe not!

Cheers
Carrie
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: CarolAnnS on May 20, 2006, 10:33:35 PM
Hi Carrie,

I really liked your poem a lot too.  I know all too well what can be found in a little boy's pocket, and sometimes it's not a pretty sight!!  :P  I only hope that I can retrieve it all before it clogs up the washer or dryer!  Great job!  I'm just curious though . . . what's a conker?  --Carol
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: CarrieSheppard on May 21, 2006, 06:14:49 AM
US and UK - divided by a common language (now who is that quote from? I forget).

A conker is the seed of the horse chestnut tree.  In the UK kids drill a hole through them and then put a string through and have competitions seeing who's will crack first.

We even have world championships!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/northamptonshire/asop/east_northants/conkers_01.shtml

Cheers
Carrie
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: aelfwin on May 21, 2006, 09:47:00 AM
Hi Carrie, I loved it! It took me back to when I was a little boy scratching about for any and all treasures that I could find and stuffing them in my pockets. I would leave the poem as is. Also, thanks to CarrolAnnS for posing the question re conkers. I've learned a little more today. Aelf  ::)
Title: Re: Short poem... does it scan ok despite the odd length?
Post by: CarrieSheppard on May 21, 2006, 03:25:38 PM
Chuckle chuckle - I'm glad my little poem has struck some chords with you folks.  Now, who's for a game of conkers in the coffee shop?  UK rules apply - no litigation if the conker flies off it's string and hits you on the nose!

Carrie