My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: Saphía on May 12, 2006, 12:06:32 PM

Title: I fell for you...with ease
Post by: Saphía on May 12, 2006, 12:06:32 PM
well some of you may have read this poem of mine before but i was wondering if anyone else had any comments, from a personal opinion i am rather proud of it...just thought i'd 're-release' it and see if there was anything else anyone thought i could do...

I fell for you
with ease
I looked at you
with longing
I waited for you
with patience
I loved you
with my heart

I'm falling for you
with ease
I'm looking at you
with longing
I'm waiting for you
with patience
because
I love you
with all my heart

I'd love your comments  :D
Title: Re: I fell for you...with ease
Post by: actpoet1 on May 12, 2006, 06:21:58 PM
Saphia, you need to work on this. This is prose broken up in smaller lines. Instead of tellnig the reader that "I fell for you/ with ease," give an image that shows it. For example, I fell for you with ease like an ash flickering on the wind.

Hope you don't take this the wrong way -- I just being honest.
Title: Re: I fell for you...with ease
Post by: caliban1 on May 13, 2006, 02:43:32 AM
Saphia, I do see what actpoet is saying, but a poem can be prose broken up into shorter lines. The technique creates  rhythm and causes the reader to look at a simple statement in a different way. I have seen some of your poems where that works pretty well. You do have something to work with here.  I think the first stanza is stronger than the second which does go a bit flat.  I wonder if you worked at least one clear image into the first stanza if you could not perserve the appeal of your simple language and at the same time make the poem more vivid.  Hmmm, just thinking it is late for me.  Anyway, keep at it, I like reading your postings.

Caliban
Title: Re: I fell for you...with ease
Post by: tharpa on May 15, 2006, 09:35:56 AM
I like the first verse. Simple but real etc.

But I don't 'get' why it is repeated in the present tense, it doesn't 'do' anything for me.

Also, for some reason, it isn't as interesting and dynamic the second time.

And I think that is true even if the present tense was the only version, which is interesting.... I don't know why....

Anyway, thanks for yr offering...