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Workshop => Review My Work => Topic started by: Rodders on January 13, 2006, 03:42:35 PM

Title: Terry Pratchet fan
Post by: Rodders on January 13, 2006, 03:42:35 PM
Been a fan of Mr. P for quite a while. This is the first part of a 15,000 word jaunt I did a few years ago as a tribute to the great man.

 be as brutal as you like; I have no feelings. ;)

On the outskirts of a hazy galaxy swims "The Great A' Tuin" who carries on his back the four elephants that carry the Discworld.

But our story starts on a different world at a slightly different time.
That's where the dissimilarities end and the similarities begin. In fact just before the similarities start to begin a dissimilarity that verges ever so slightly on similarity had just ended. This made a nice flowing link.
One similarity that is apparently quite dissimilar in more ways than one is the flatness of the surface of this particular world. Although some would say this was an illusion created by the horizon, which was never in the same place twice, and the world was in fact ovoid in shape. But they are very rarely listened to. The people who are listened to make even less sense as they say that the world has no end but goes on forever in every direction except at one point where it seems to rise up and around the onlooker until it is above them. It could be viewed as a sort of cylinder that has bent round to put both its ends together. Well, we will see. As a strange aside these people are only listened to in the future, as at this point in the story they are not in possession of all the facts.
 With no elephants to carry it and the complete lack of a turtle that doesn't need to breath it was just a flat world. Or not, depending on your viewpoint.
This world was hanging precariously over an empty void that had nothing in it for quite a long way. Not infinity, you understand, but just a long way. If it were infinity it would have to be everywhere and not just below this flat, (possibly looped cylinder) slowly spinning planet. No. Below this planet was just a lot of nothing and not much else. It is difficult to quantify, as it held nothing. If it had something in it then it could have been measured but it didn't. Even so it was big. Definitely not infinity though. That would be silly.
And so with all dissimilar similarities out of the way, nothing for anything to fall into and absolutely no case for plagiarism within 20,000 miles our story is allowed to begin.
It will get interesting later.

"A journey of a thousand miles starts with one footstep. But it can end up in a boat ride if you're lucky." (The sayings of Aginsune)

Octsembry* started in obscurity. But then every day starts that way. Four and a half hours later the Sun emerged from a lank horizon looking for all it's worth like an overheated penny behind a smoked glass screen. By 'seven drums' a cool breeze had pushed itself into motion. The day promised to be long. It never broke a promise. It just broke.

*(Every culture in the Universe has a month with an 'r' in it. The Gilgamons, for it is of they that I speak, only have four months but five seasons. The months run like this; May, Grunge, Octsembry and Milk Carton. The seasons start at the coldest part of the year and go right through. They are Spring, Sprang, Warminup, Nicenow, and Wetime. Spring is very cold and at the moment has Milk Carton in it. Octsembry was halfway into Wetime. Because the months don't line up properly with the seasons they have to run in two circles. The outer circle has the months on it and the inner circle has the seasons. At the end of each day the outer circle is moved one point around the inner circle. The points relate to the days and parts of the season. Each month has 44 days. It's quite straightforward.)

Ethel Herangablade had been talking for a while. She stood face into the light wind, thin golden hair billowing behind her bronzed shoulders. The age lines, etched by the harsh elements, in her face mimicked the battle scarred hide armour. Leather thongs pulled tight against the now sagging flesh. Time, it could be said, had been kind to her. The muscles any way, the flesh holding them in all the right places had it's own ideas on the subject.
Time had been kind in other ways. She was still alive after all. She also had most of her faculties. The ones she had used the most in her exotic life at least. Ones like agility, daring, cunning, bravery and the really useful one... anger powered frenzied knife wielding.

Title: Re: Terry Pratchet fan
Post by: goldanon on January 19, 2006, 09:18:40 AM
Before you read further, let me tell you, I'm not well-read in this type of sci-fi.  Don't know Terry Pratchet, though I did read some of Douglas Adams and this seems to be somewhat in teh same genre of sci-fi as his.  My comments: I love the way you use the language, the words themselves, to give the reader the 'feel' for these worlds.  It amused me as well, though I wasn't rolling on the floor.  Do you keep up the same flow throughout?  Seems it would be very hard to continue writing in that vein, and I'm not sure I personally could keep up as a reader without going crazy - but I do BELIEVE that all the Douglas Adams' fans I know would really love this...
Title: Re: Terry Pratchet fan
Post by: Sheree on January 21, 2006, 12:15:05 AM
I haven't read Terry Prachet either, but I am a very big Douglas Adams fan. I found much of this rather cumbersome. (sorry ??? ) The best paragraphs were the last three, and if I were you I would scrap the rest and start there. The similarity/dissimilarity stuff doesn't flow well and the humour does not translate. I do like the months of the year bit. Action is always crucial and really what people are wanting to read, so immediately having your peep doing something would be great, perhaps by falling through that weird voidlike structure,etc.

A good start.  :) 
Title: Re: Terry Pratchet fan
Post by: Rodders on January 29, 2006, 03:46:10 PM
Thanks Goldanon and Sheree. You are right about the first bit. As I was pasting it here I thought the same thing. From the last three paragraphs it tends to run the same all the way through. There are a few more characters that enter the story and it does get weird at one point with aliens dropping in.