My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Work => Topic started by: mmllee on December 29, 2008, 01:45:43 AM

Title: bring me sunset in a cup Part 1
Post by: mmllee on December 29, 2008, 01:45:43 AM
“Bring me sunset in a cup”  Part 1

Just a start.  No idea where it’s going or where it will end!

The flowers tussled back and forth in the breeze.  It was July.  I was twelve if I remember correctly, and I was the liveliest thing you’d ever seen.
I wasn’t scared of anything; not the wind nor the rain, neither the thunder nor lightening.  I was free to dwell along the plains of Kansas, minding my business as I explored my surroundings and took in the mountain air.  I was boundless.

I always found I would talk to myself, but what twelve year old doesn’t?  I wasn’t your typical twelve year old.  There was never a chance I would sleep in, so every morning once I awoke wide eyed, hair a mess, complete with stale morning breathe, I would trudge down the stairs and  to the dining room table in my night gown and socks.  Pepe would be sitting there, newspaper outspread and without even glancing away from the funnies he would greet me with a cheerfull “good morning, bug.”

“Morning pep’!” I would answer jollily. 
“And what trouble will we be causing today, ma dear?  Should I expect any visits from the colonel?”
“Naw, I don’t think so.  I’ll keep to myself for the time being,” I answered that morning. “Although I would like to run away and join the circus!  Humor me with some missing child posters’?”
“Very funny, little miss.  Don’t go running away on me now I just got a hold of you!  Keep it close, the sky doesn’t look so welcoming this morning.”

I ate my corn flakes quickly to avoid the sogginess, pulled my hair back atop my head and fastened it into place with my blue ribbon.  I pulled on my ragged denim cut offs, stepped into my cowgirl boots and flew out the door, yelling “see ya later” to whoever cared to listen.

I walked about a mile or so, to where the farm was still in site.  I picked at the tall grass along the way humming a tune I made up myself.  I was too shy to sing even though there was no one listening.  The wind calmly wrestled with my hair as I picked up speed and began to gallop until I reached the creek.  The crystal blue water reflected off of the stones I had used to build a dam a few days before.  My bare footprints were still wet in the mud as I kicked off my shoes and socks and wadded into the shallow water.

I began re arranging the rocks as the sun slid behind the clouds and my body became shielded from the blistering sun.  I splashed water onto my face and lay back on the embankment taking in the humid air.  It was hot and I could tell by the position of the sun that it was nearing noon.  My stomach rumbled as I opened my eyes only to become face to face with gram’s cat Snick.  I always hated cats ever since I was about six.  Being the spunky girl I am, I always pushed my limits a bit too far and I took a good bat to the face by mom’s cat, Chuck. That damn cat was always mocking me.  If he thought he was getting the last laugh, he was some wrong.  I shooed Snick away and sat forward, resting my chin on my knees. 

“Why is the sky blue?”  I asked myself.  “Does it reflect off of the ocean?”  There wasn’t an ocean for hundreds of miles.  “and what makes a sunset, all those sun-setty colors?”

I suddenly became determined to find out.  Maybe I could ask Pepe?  He was smart, and old.   Old enough to have the answers to all of my ridiculous questions.  I would certainly ask him once I returned home.

I slid my boots back on and strode off just west of the farm.  I found a blue daffodil that complimented the ribbon in my hair flawlessly.  I wedged it into my wild ponytail and continued to follow the path back to house as I realized the weather was turning. 

Not even halfway to the house it began to downpour.  Sheets of water exploded down from the sky and covered my body as I jogged through the mud, splattering the backs of my bare legs.  A streak of lightning stretched out across the sky.  The bolt could have easily been a mile in length.  I stopped running and stared into the dark abyss of sky that had me surrounded.  I wasn’t scared, I was captivated.

 Following the lightning a boom of thunder clapped and shook the ground beneath me.  I jumped at the sound and begun streaking across the acres of land still left before I would reach any shelter.  I jumped the barbed wire fence and followed the path as it declined only slightly.  I lost my footing in the mud and slid back falling onto my bottom.  I pushed my hands to my sides hoping to catch myself, but my wrist twisted violently and I felt a stream of warmth overcome my hand. 

I got up and quickly examined my wrist, seeing that it was clearly broken.  The bone was pressed firmly into my skin, taking a knobby position.  I held tightly to my wrist as I stumbled under another fence, in too much pain to try and jump it.  I approached the house and swung open the screen door and collapsed onto the floor.  My heart was racing, my wrist was throbbing, and I was exhausted; although it had all been quite exhilarating.
I spent the following day in the emergency room.  It turns out my bones were “severely misaligned” according to the orthopedic surgeon.  The tendons of my wrist and hand had been damaged and no other option was available other than surgery.  I ended the day with two pins in my wrist, a bottle of pain killers, an ice pack, and an ace bandage wrap, soon to be replaced with a heavy plaster mold.

“So much for no trouble, bug.”  Pepe chuckled as we climbed into the station wagon.
“Yeah, well you should know me by now- accident prone.  At least the Colonel didn’t show up” I sighed. 

Now what was I to do with the rest of my summer?  I couldn’t swim and I doubt Pepe would be letting me run off again by myself. It had taken enough convincing without the neon pink plaster cast for him to allow me to run loose.  I was doomed.  I was in for eight weeks of agony; just enough time to ruin the rest of my summer.

“Please can’t I just go for a walk?” I squealed.   “I am begging you; I can’t sit around this house for another minute!”
“Abigail, if I had a plastic bubble to place you in I would and I’d let you free.  But if I have to make one more call home to your mother telling her we made another trip to the hospital she’ll never forgive me.  And we just cannot let that happen.”
“What if I run away?  Then what?  What’ll you do then?”  I asked excitedly.  “Would I get away with it?  You know you can’t catch me!’
“What if you just stay put like I asked?”
“Because that’s no fun!  I need to run around and be wild!”
“But wild will get you hurt and there will be no more of that, young lady”

I guess I just couldn’t win.  But could he really keep me cooped up inside this stuffy house all summer?  There were forts to build, flowers to pick, and friends to see!  There had to be a way to get out.

“Can I ask you something kind of silly, Pep?”
“Ask me anything, Bug.” He replied.
“Why is the sky blue?” I asked puzzled.
“Well, I don’t think I’m really the person you should be asking.  I’m no meteorologist you know…” he went on.
“Yeah but you know everything!” I whined.
“You don’t need to tell me twice” he joked.  It’s rather complicated.  The blue color of the sky is due to Rayleigh scattering. As light moves through the atmosphere, most of the longer wavelengths pass straight through. Little of the red, orange and yellow light is affected by the air.  So, the color looks rather pale, sometimes white, and sometimes ranging in shade of blue.”
“Oh” I replied.  “That seems pretty boring.”
“You asked for it kiddo.”

“I don’t think you’re right.” I antagonized.  This was my idea for him agreeing to let me out of the house.  Maybe he would somehow get angry and banish me!  Or maybe he would send me on a mission to discover it for myself!
“Oh really?  Well, how do you intend on proving me wrong?”  he asked smugly.
“I’m not sure.  I’ll figure things out for myself one day.”
“I don’t doubt you will” he chuckled.  “Anyhow, because I know you’re just dying to get out of this house, how about you go figure it out for yourself.”
“Oh yeah?” I asked excitedly.  “You’re going to trust me?”
“I trust you bug” he explained.  “Just stay close, okay?”
“Deal” I screamed.  “I’ll be good I swear!”

“Bug?” he asked before I stumbled out the door.  “I want you to bring me sunset in a cup.”

I looked back and smiled, nodding before I let the screen door slam behind me and I was gone.
Title: Re: bring me sunset in a cup Part 1
Post by: Skip Slocum on December 30, 2008, 10:58:06 PM
Howdie mmllee, I read the whole thing, and was wondering if you had any ideas for a stronger hook to make the reader care about bug more.

Maybe you can make the Colonel sound more foreboding with evil intentions.

On the farm we always had to dodge the billy goat, point is, convince the reader they must keep reading or the little girl won't prevail  in her struggles.

Just my thoughts, I hope you find it helpful even a little.
Skip