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The Coffee Shop => The Gallery => Topic started by: davidleejones13 on February 19, 2008, 06:08:12 AM

Title: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 19, 2008, 06:08:12 AM
Warning: There is a bit of adult content here. I kept it as clean as possible.  -DLJ

Devon saw himself in the mountains looking down into a mist shrouded valley below him. He felt the slightest twinge of vertigo for he had never been in the mountains before, yet the beauty of it touched his soul.

He felt a warm tender hand within his and turned to see a stunning raven haired woman at his side. The beauty of the mountains paled compared to hers. He studied her hair flowing in a strong brisk mountain breeze and marveled at how it never seemed to blow in her face. That beautiful face. Glowing as if lit from within. Her eyes were the blue of a cloudless brisk winter day and her skin as pale as the snow that covered its ground.

Within her eyes he saw love returned. But there was something else. Warning. If eyes are the window to the soul hers was preoccupied with worry.

The sun was beginning to set. As it sunk towards the horizon Devon noticed the red fiery orb had what looked like a huge bite taken out of it. The sun had caught up with the moon in their race for this day's horizon. 

The two watched the eclipse happen just as the sun touched the lip of the earth, exploding in a brilliant ring of fire around the dark roundness of the moon at its center.

Magic cracked in the air around them like lightening as the dark haired woman beside him pointed towards the heavens directly above them. He followed her finger and saw a huge lumbering beast breaking through wispy clouds high above.

The brilliant eclipse fire shone off thick scales as the beast slowly descended on huge leathery wings. It's huge mouth gaped open and resonated a roar that shook the mountain underneath them causing them both to stumble. A huge fissure opened up upon a second roar that threatened to separate the two. The woman levitated over the gaping hole and once again stood beside him.

They both pulled jewel encrusted swords. Devon marveled at their size and how light his felt within his hands. He felt magic flowing through his body the likes he had never imagined before. This was the magic that used to exist in days of old. The magic that made the ancient Wizards legendary. The magic he craved to control.

It was then he felt a glimmer of an unfamiliar underlying arrogance and an unbridled pride. There was no time to process this for the creature from above rained down great sheet of white hot fire upon them. The two met the down pour with their combined power in a cold shield of domed ice.

The beast hit the ground with a mighty thud that toppled trees and trigged avalanches throughout the mountain chain.

He stared through their thick ice shield into the dark black orbs of Mother Dragon.

Devon bolted upright from his sleep. It took him a few moments to fight the disorientation and realize he was back in his bed at Favreau's village. He still felt the magic coursing through his body and stared down to see the silver feathered gauntlet  adorning his right wrist.

"How did you get here?" He said to the Nuytumean as if it could respond, "the old man locked you away in the old chest by the fireplace."

It was then that he realized his fire place was dark. He jumped out from under his blankets and padded over to the dark opening not realizing the cold did not bother his naked feet. Devon squatted down onto his haunches and saw that the fire was frozen in flame shaped icicles.

His head spun and he felt almost drunk with the white magic that flowed through his body. He pointed at the fire ice sculpture and it leapt back to life, splashing the room once again with warmth and light.

There was a soft knock on the door. Devon answered it to find Ione standing there in the cold hallway shivering.

"Can I-I- come i-in?" She asked through chattering teeth.

"Of course." He said taking her hand and leading her over the the bed to sit down facing the fire.

As she sat there looking up at him he felt odd. As he studied her body, which he had never seen within the flowing silky gown she wore to sleep in, he did not feel lust. Even as his eyes studied her curves and the the material straining to hold her breasts within their silky bondage, he did not feel the familiar animalistic instinct. Instead, to his confusion, he felt love for her. He studied her soft red hair in the fire light and longed to run his fingers through it.

"I could not sleep," she said dreamily. Devon felt a twinge of excitement as she pulled back the gown to show him the roundness of one of her breasts. His excitement turned to horror as he saw a red rawness and bleeding insect bites.

"What happened?" He asked confused kneeling beside her and studying her mangled skin.

"I am unsure," Ione said and for the first time since their shared childhood showed falibility as she began sobbing. "The attack was unseen, I suppose some sort of dark magic."

"We should show Favreau," He said moving towards the door but then paused. He looked down at the Nuytumean and turned back to Ione. She still sat upon his bed crying. He came over and knelt beside her once again looking into her tear filled eyes, which widened upon seeing the gauntlet.

"How-"

"Shhhhh." Devon put a finger to her pouting lips silencing her.

He gently opened up her gown and slid it from her shoulders revealing her battered skin. He began caressing her naked shoulders with a light touch and to both their amazement, the skin that was massaged returned to it's former healthy soft beauty. The itching and pain dried up as the two were suddenly overwhelmed and caught up in the moment. He massaged lower after Ione gave him a very passionate kiss. Her moist lips caused the lust to overwhelm the love and energize his body. Pain and irritation was taken over by ecstasy as they made love for the rest of the evening.

As the sun's light touched the morning with a soft glow he held Ione naked within his arms. She absently stroked the metal gauntlet upon his arm basking in the afterglow of their intimacy.

"I thought Favreau had locked this away?" She said looking into Devon's eyes with a playful grin. "You think the night would have ended the same way if I had gone to him instead of you?"

They both looked at each other and laughed.

The door to Devon's room burst open.
"Come on my boy-" as if at the mention of his name the old man made his entrance and stopped mid sentence upon the scene before him his face blushing red. "AH, I see the Nuytumean found it's way to you last night, amongst others." The last words were said out of the corner of the old man's mouth.

"Come young ones," Favreau smiled, "get dressed, I have breakfast prepared, We must make haste for there is much to do this day."  Then with a smile and a wink he said, " I hope you did not wear yourselves out last evening."


Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen)
Post by: Age on February 19, 2008, 07:58:15 AM
Ahhh, the Lee man returns...you're slowing down my friend...

Good read sir, good read...The setting sun eclipse was a neat peice, i think you should add a few more details on this part...

The sun was beginning to set and he saw as it sunk towards the horizon the lower half of the red fiery orb had a huge bite taken out of it. The sun had caught up with the moon in their race for this day's horizon. 

This first sentence seems a bit oddly worded, I had to read it several times for it to make sense..

The two watched as the eclipse happened just as the sun touched the lip of the earth, exploding in a brilliant ring of fire around the dark roundness of the moon at its center.


As she sat there looking up at him he felt odd. As he studied her body, which he had never seen within the flowing silky gown she wore to sleep in, he did not feel lust. Even as his eyes studied her curves and the the material straining to hold her breasts within their silky bondage, he did not feel the familiar animalistic instinct. Instead, to his confusion, he felt love for her. He studied her soft red hair in the fire light and longed to run his fingers through it.

while I think i understand your meaning, "Instead, to his confusion, he felt love for her" sounds a little...I dunno,  off.  He felt love for her?  meaning what?  Wanting to run his hand threw her hair seems to come back in a lustful way, a contradictive way.  consider that..

Devon felt a twinge of excitement as she pulled back the gown to show him the roundness of one of her breasts. His excitement turned to horror  as he saw a red rawness and bleeding insect bites.

haha, brilliant, I thought that was great....*tear*

"I dunno," Ione said and for the first time since their shared childhood showed falibility as she began sobbing. "the attack was unseen, I suppose some sort of dark magic."

okay, skipped a little bit here, you'll see why in a second...
Just seemed a little awkward dialouge here..."the attack was unseen"  (Oh, capitalize 'the' also...), it just sounds a bit out of place, given her speaking habits.  'I dunno' and 'i suppose' just clash with it, IMO...

"What happened?" He asked confused kneeling beside her and studying her mangled skin.

He gently opened up her gown and slid it from her shoulders revealing her battered skin. He gently began caressing her naked shoulders and to both their amazement, the silky softlness returned to her skin before their eyes.

These two parts are effective at describing at what you want to describe, without bombarding the reader with "BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS!!!"  a nice touch...

The itching and pain dried up as the two were suddenly overwhelmed and caught up in the moment. Pain and irritation was taken over by ecstasy as they made love for the rest of the evening.

...however, this part HERE just seems to skip out on almost everything.  I understand you're trying to clean it up, but a few more details couldn't hurt, could it?

"The irritated skin seemes to melt away, replaces my fresh skin beneath.  Ione looked up into Devon's eyes, all the pain from the distant magic erased.  Instead, they were filled with longing..."  and so on and so forth.  Make a passionate kiss man!!  Maybe skip the dirty details, but definitely show the passion and chemistry.

"Come on my boy-" as if at the mention of his name the old man made his entrance and stopped mid sentence upon the scene before him his face blushing red. "AH, I see the Nuytumean found it's way to you last night, amongst others." The last words were said out of the corner of the old man's mouth.

The begining of this paragraph lost me momentarily.  Maybe if you discribed Favreau barging in, then speaking, it would flow a tad better.  Describing the same thing of course, again, this is all IMO.



All in all a good read, I hope I didn't run you threw the ringer too hard too quick there.

hmm...and SOMEWHERE there was a word with an 'L' it did not need, I can't find it right now...
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 19, 2008, 12:30:35 PM
Age,
Wow  :o you gave me alot to process, but no worries. That is exactly what I want. I will look over your suggestions and tweak her a bit. I wrote this at five this morning. I woke up and could not go back to sleep until I banged out this chapter.

I did tip toe around the whole sex thing because I am trying to keep from turning this puppy into a love story. I like the whole element of having a love interest in the back ground, I think it gives the whole story a nice layered dimension. It becomes very crucial where things are going that is why I added it. Besides, Ione is just too nice looking.... I won't go there in the effort to keep this classy! ;)

Thank you for reading Age.
Your friend,
Lee
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: SteveJ on February 19, 2008, 12:33:54 PM
This genre isn't really my thing, but this is very well written. Great work :)
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 19, 2008, 12:52:37 PM
Thank you Steve,
If you would like I will send you the whole series. It exceeds the 20000 word limit to send it via MWC, but if you give me the nod I will send it to your regular email address. I am really glad you like it!

Age,
I made some of those changes. It is a bit more adult, but I tried not to make it raunchy. I am trying to keep this classy here. Let me know if I acheived what I have intended.

Thanks for the suggestions.

Lee

OH AND BTW, I am not slowing down. I have just been very busy lately...working all the time.
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: ma100 on February 19, 2008, 02:31:28 PM
Yeah it's very good Lee. Well written ;).
Take care my friend
Mairi
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 20, 2008, 02:38:53 AM
Thanks Ma.
You are one who keeps me going...
I love you in a special way! ;)

Your American pal.
Lee
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: WESTON on February 20, 2008, 03:39:56 AM
 If eyes are the window to the soul hers was preoccupied with worry.
                this line bothers me. i understand what you are going for, i just dont think it works as is. id try, her eyes were preoccupied with worry. its less wordy, and you keep the tone.


copulation
               who uses this word!? thats like saying i have to go to the bathroom to perform an excrement!!
people dont talk like that, i know you are trying to keep it clean, but that was about the funniest thing ive read in a minute! either come out and say it, or pick another word! oh, man im still laughing (not at you, the word)!

your friend in writing,
w

Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: Age on February 20, 2008, 07:36:48 AM

copulation

Copulation?  where?  I don't see it...

Though, i'm sorry lee, i must join weston in a laugh at your behalf..."Energize his nether region"?   This had me to tears, i'm sorry sir... ;)

~Age~
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 20, 2008, 11:16:40 AM
Weston,
Hehe. I just woke up and read your comment and I had to laugh. I may leave it in the story just to make others laugh too. Look, it got Age going! Yes, it was in an effort to try to keep it as clean as possible. I will try to reword, but only after a few more people get a laugh out of it. ;D
Thank you Weston.

Lee

I made some changes, let me know if they sound okay.
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: Christopher Silva on February 20, 2008, 03:57:41 PM
Lee, sorry to take so long to post. You are a writing machine, and even though your work makes the editor in me flinch, I love it all.

You have what all great writers have and all editor's dream of, an incredible imagination and the ability to put it to words.

I just read and read and leave all rules behind, GREAT!

Thank you Lee for making my day. You let me send editorial snobbery to the wind and enjoy STORY TELLING at its best!

Chris
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 22, 2008, 09:21:37 AM
Chris,
Man, I believe that is the best comment I have ever recieved. I am blushing. Thank you so much. THis is exactly why I write, for what I just read in your comment. And to get a comment from someone as talented as yourself gives it much more weight. Thank you so much Chris. I am glad to have you as a friend.

Lee

You probably will not see me for about four day. I have to work about 36 hours in the next three days. I will try to do some reading in my down time though.  Tanks again.

Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: Christopher Silva on February 22, 2008, 09:26:03 AM
My pleasure Lee, please don't work yourself to death. I need more to read.

Chris
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 22, 2008, 09:29:47 AM
I hope to be back.
I did have a brush with death the night before last. Every single guys nightmare. Went home with a nice looking young lady just to have her X boyfriend barge in wanting to kill yours truly. Lucky I was not in the buff eh? He was much bigger, but negotiations were intense enough to garner me an injury free escape. Still though, my life did flash before my eyes.

Lee
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: Christopher Silva on February 22, 2008, 09:50:51 AM
Jesus Lee!

Be more selective is all I can say. A good question could be:

"Are you REALLY single ?"

OR:

Lets go to my place?

Chris





Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: Age on February 22, 2008, 11:06:28 PM
*whistles* close call Lee!!!  Thankfully that hasn't happened to me....yet...
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 22, 2008, 11:39:26 PM
chris,
I was not thinking with my big brain  ;)
Besides, she was HOT. When a girl like that is paying attention to ya thinking about seeing her in the buff is all you think about.  Oh, and intelligence flies out the window, until the X boyfriend shows up, and then it flies back in and slams you painfully in your bone head! :o

Thanks for the reality check!

Your bonehead American pal,
Lee (still processing oxygen)
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 22, 2008, 11:41:42 PM
Age,
I hope it never does man. It is not pretty.
The Girl was though. Should have known something would happen to mess it up.

Lee
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: PaulW on February 23, 2008, 06:59:21 AM
I hope to be back.
I did have a brush with death the night before last. Every single guys nightmare. Went home with a nice looking young lady just to have her X boyfriend barge in wanting to kill yours truly. Lucky I was not in the buff eh? He was much bigger, but negotiations were intense enough to garner me an injury free escape. Still though, my life did flash before my eyes.

Lee

Not a good time to suggest a threesome then? ;D


Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 23, 2008, 09:30:59 AM
Paul,
I am not hard wired that way man. ac/dc=DIRET CURRENT ONLY, NO ALTERNATING CURRENT HERE!
You are not hitting on me in an odd way are ya dude? ;)
Just kidding, I saw how much Testoterone you had over on under taker 2. ;D
You are the PAUL MAN...there is not way!

Lee
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: PaulW on February 23, 2008, 09:49:14 AM
Hehe I meant you suggesting it to the girl's boyfriend during 'negotiations' you dope. Da duck don't do dudes. ;D


Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: Age on February 23, 2008, 09:51:15 AM
haha I think you missed paul's point...

*ditto^
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Thirteen) Warning, Adult Content
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 23, 2008, 09:57:41 AM
was just poking fun? :(
Comedy dudes, work with me here my friends.

Just kidden around with ya's.
I knows you guyz are straight shooters!

Now I have to skidatle. Got a broad waitn on me at the docks.
NO, just have to go to work.
Snore, I just wish my life was more exciting....so I write that way..

You two, we still friends?
Lee