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The Coffee Shop => The Gallery => Topic started by: davidleejones13 on January 27, 2008, 04:56:46 PM

Title: The Wizard War (Chapters One to Eight)
Post by: davidleejones13 on January 27, 2008, 04:56:46 PM
This was actually inspired by FunWriter. He had come up with an opening scene and this story is spun off from it.
Thank you FunWriter...


As Devon sat at his table in the dark corner of the Dragon Inn Pub waiting for his opportunity he thought back to the old days. When the world was young and not so populated. Then the wizards of old had plenty of magic at their disposal.

These legendary wizards became extremely powerful. He longed to have lived then and to be one of these. In this day and time the world was overpopulated and the magic was called on too often and by so many. Here magic had become scarce.

He eyed the barkeep moving amongst the tables and knew the man was part of a secret society within the village aligned against the wizards.

He also knew how important the package that was just delivered to the barkeep moments ago was to the cause. It contained an ancient artifact containing so much magic, it could turn the tide of the war. He shivered at the thought of the item falling into the wrong hands. The unspeakable evils that would be empowered to the enemy, or even worse, to their own Regent.

He knew he had to obtain the package and deliver it to his master at the guild for there to be any lasting peace. He was confident the only party that would use the artifact for good would be the wizards.

His attention was diverted from his thoughts, and the bartender, when a commotion broke out on the other side of the crowded room. A brawl had broken out between two patrons and began spreading across the room like the plague. He focused back on the bartender for he knew his chance was soon to come.

The bartender grappled with one of the rioting patrons wearing a brown cloak. As the hood fell away he saw that this customer was Jarrod, one of the Regent's Lackeys. He realized this must be a ruse to obtain the package and he must move quickly, or the package would slip through his fingers.

The cloaked man sunk a small dagger into the bartenders back and with a quick spin move Jarrod freed himself from the bartenders grasp. He reached into his belt and grabbed a small vial of liquid and with he smile he threw it to the floor. There was a shatter of glass and a cloud of thick smoke rose from the floor causing stinging eyes and choking sickness.

The smoke hung heavy in the air but Devon could easily see through it with his spellsight. He began making his way towards the stunned barkeep  as the chaotic din of the awestruck crowd raged around him.

The acrid smell of the smoke filled his nostrils and a burly drunkard bumped into him but he did not let this destract him from keeping his gaze on the bartender.

The bartender's wife came from behind the bar where she had been cutting meat and knelt at her husbands side. She grabbed the hilt of the knife embedded in her husbands back and wrenced it free with a grunt.

"Get that bastard!" He responded in a gasp of painwracked breath.

"Yes my love," She answered with a wicked half grin grasping her meat cleaver and bolting for the door.

"Atlast," Devon mummered, the moment had arrived.

He made his way over to the bartender who wrythed in pain on the inn floor blood pooling beneath him.

He knelt down beside the squirming man knowing he had to move quick. He knew there would be other Regent agents undoubtedly awaiting this same moment.

"Lunarium," he whispered the spell into the man's ear.
The bartenders sleepy head hit the floor with a soft thud.
Devon deftly reached inside the mans jacket and extracted the brown paper package.

The wizard then headed out through the kitchen with nary a notice as chaos still reigned through out the room. As he exited through the back door he reveled in the feel of the brown paper package between his fingers still warm from being within the inner pocket of the bartender's jacket.

His revelry was cut short as an something heavy and hard struck him in the back of the head. As unconsciousness drew its veil over his eyes he watched as Jarrod plucked the package from his fingers.

"How could I have been so foolish," was his last thought as he passed out on the cold cobbled back alleyway of the inn.
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter One)
Post by: memnoch on January 27, 2008, 06:07:16 PM
I do like the story but i feel that this is a little stunted. The story and characters are good but i would like to see this fleshed out with more description and greater use of language. very interesting though!
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter One)
Post by: Christopher Silva on January 27, 2008, 06:59:38 PM
Lee, I remember this one so well. Great story really and I wouldn't mind you using my bits and pieces.  If I remember correctly, I wrote an opening that you honorably removed for this post. No worries though, if you would like to use it, you may. I could post my other bits in this thread if you like?

Good to see this story surfacing in a fresh new way.

Chris



 
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter One)
Post by: davidleejones13 on January 28, 2008, 05:26:03 AM
Chris,
You could only enhance an already great story, I just did not want to dishonor any of the other writers over on the other site so I only included the part of the story I came up with . I would love to include your threads also, it could only improve upon this story.

This story inspired me, so I had to include it here.

Thanks for taking me on this adventure...

Your friend,
Lee
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter One)
Post by: davidleejones13 on January 28, 2008, 05:30:43 AM
Chris,
BTW, Egypt is awesome. It is coming along splendidly, and I love your take on the whole T@#%^&* series. I am excited to see where you are going to take things...
There are only one or two stories left in my take on the series.
After that I pass the batone to you my friend. I am sure your talents will take it to new and more terrifying heights!

thanks again,
Lee
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter One)
Post by: Christopher Silva on January 28, 2008, 08:49:40 AM
Memnoch,  the springboard for the senario went something like this:

The rain was pelting his dark oilskin hood as he hurriedly walked towards the inn nervously avoiding shadows. The water was seeping through his leather soled boots and running in little streams down the cobble stoned street. He had taken time to impregnate his deerskin boots with expensive beaver oil before the rain season. Sadly, his feet were now soaked and hurting from his travels.

The news and package he carried from the front had to be relayed at all costs, or all would be lost.

The heavy oaken door to the inn was unlocked, he pulled hard opening it with a loud creak. Inside, it was dark with smoke and the smell of cooking permeated the air. The main room went quiet when he entered, with many of its residents eyeing him curiously from dark corner tables lit only with small waxen wick. He moved quickly to the bar ignoring the stares and began to discuss something in fast whispers with the barkeep.

*

Jarrod was sitting at a small table in a shadowed corner enjoying warm ale when the door opened loudly. He leaned back a bit to ensure he was in shadow and had a look at the newcomer. The man was drenched from head to booted feet. He was small and covered in a dark oilskin cape. The man looked nervous and this made Jarrod relax and sigh, happy that the visitor was not one of the men many looking for him.

The wet little man moved quickly to the bar and handed over a small indiscreet package. This peeked Jarrod's interest and he made a mental note to buy the Barkeep a drink and try and find out what was in the package.

Jarrod lifted his ale and scanned the room. The huge hearth had a raging fire keeping the main room and its guests warm and dry. A ruckus caught his attention. Instantly; a couple of tables away a large man with wide shoulders and a long rangy body moved with frightening speed. He pushed a buxom hall girl off his lap and stood hand moving towards his sword. The fat merchant across from him squawked and covered his face with his arms in fear.

The giant wore his sword low like he knew how to use it. There was argument over a game of planks and it looked as though the merchant was cheating.

*

No one noticed Amanda as she moved rapidly around the kitchen monitoring the ovens and pots of stew. She prepared dinner for the guests every night, and in these times of war, certain things were scarce. Her husband was working the bar upfront when she heard the cilp clop of horses and the sound of hard leather and armor.

A large stranger passed her quickly and went out the back door. He had a big rucksack heaved over one shoulder and went by so fast she didn't even see his face.

Amanda turned and quickly walked to the cellar door, she lit down the stairs, her dress fluttering behind her. She hit the cellar floor at a pace that almost put out the candle she carried with her. She set the candle down on the old worn butchers block. Amanda bent down and began putting something into a large old potato sack. With a heave she picked up the sack and carried it a few meters and set it down on the earthen floor with a thump.

feeling around, she found the hook and lifted the trap door. With surprising strength she tugged the sack down three stairs and into the darkness.

Coming back up, Amanda hurriedly closed the trap door and used her hands to even out the dirt ensuring the secret entrance would again be hidden from sight. Just about done, she felt something wet and soft, she picked it up and mumbled, "damn."

Pulling again on the hook, she tossed the human finger down into the darkness, letting the trap door down softly, she again started to even out the dirt over the trapdoor.



_


Chris
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter One)
Post by: ma100 on January 28, 2008, 12:16:05 PM
Ermh. You pair of devils what evil is afoot haha. I enjoyed the read very much Lee and Chris. I am now of the opinion its you two causing my lack of sleep hehe. This venture will definitely have me coming back for more.
Take care
Mairi
Title: The Wizard War (Chapter Two)
Post by: davidleejones13 on January 28, 2008, 12:42:06 PM
As Devon came to the sun's light was just painting the tops of the trees red. The morning light created a red haze as it shined through wispy fog that hung close to the rain drenched ground.

He sat up and his head exploded in pain causing his eyesight to dim momentarily.

At first he forgot where he was. He felt his clothings dampness clinging to his body and looked around the rain soaked alleyway. The night before immediatly rushed back into his mind.

"Cripes!" He cursed. He had lost the package.
Now the war was going to really turn nasty.

Because of the weak supply of magic his protection spell failed last night as he exited the inn.

Now he had lost the package, the content of which was going to make the magic situation much worse.
Once the artifact was utilized and it drew from the existing magic, all wizards on our side will become pretty much powerless.

"There you are," Jerik's voice bounced off the wet walls of the dank alley, "I have been looking all over for you."
Jerik walked over and extended a hand and helped Devon to his feet.

"Thanks for the distraction." Devon said.

"Tell me you got the package." Jerik said a pleading look on his face.

Devon responded by looking down at his feet without a word the blood rushing to his face.

"Damn the gods!" Jerik cursed.

"Twas Jarrod that got me." He answered defensively, "I thought you were watchin him for me."

"I was," Jerik responded rubbing his bruised chin with a wry smile, "who do you think kept that weasel from nixing the package before you got it? Then the little bugger got away from me."

"Well," Devon stated, "If Jarrod's still got the package he will be headed to the Heron's inn to collect from the Captain. I suggest we get there before the little weasel does."

"Let us not tary then," Jerik answered, "besides, we are being followed."

Devon looked into his face and Jerik winked.
"Our little red headed friend?" He asked with a smile.

"Yep."

Devon and Jerik made their way hastily up wet village streets. They were met by wary stares from the village folk who had woke from wet slumber and were beginning a new dank day.

These went unnoticed as urgency fueled their breakneck pace. They knew that if Jarrod got to the captain before they could get to him all wizard and magic folk alike would have to bend to the will of the Regent.

Once the Regent had the object within the package he would disband the wizard orders and send them into exile, or even worse. The wizards would be rendered powerless.

Saybon, the Regent, was once a turtor in the Orders but failed the trials. He was expelled in disgrace. Devon and Jerik knew he harbored a great hatred for the Orders. They knew Saybon hated only two others more than the wizards as a whole. Devon, Jerik and Saybon all tutored together. They WERE all best of friends. Now they were aligned on opposite sides of the political fence and Devon and Jerik had become the object of the Regents ire.

They reached the top of the hill where the Heron Inn sat and rounded a corner and ran into Jarrod knocking him to the coblestone street.

Jarrod had been been admiring the package with gloved fingers as the collision occured sending the brown paper package skiding across wet stone and into a alley shrouded in early morning shadows.

The three men stared awestruck a brief moment at one another without a word. The uncomfortable silence was dispelled by a high pitched laughter.

A young woman with strawberry blond hair, and a sprinkle of ginger freckles across her nose immerged from the shadows with sword drawn and the package in her hands.

"Looks like you lose boys," She said backing down the street not daring to turn her back on the three men who stared dumbfounded in her direction. Then she immediatly discoverd the reason for their blank stares when she bumped into the impenetrable armor clad body of the Captain.

She turned to look up into the eyes of the towering soldier and smiled weakly at him.

"I will take that lass," he bellowed ripping the package from her grasp and shoving her to the ground.

Captain Moncrede studied the brown paper package in his hands. It had seen so much action these past weeks yet it looked as if it were just wrapped seconds ago.

"Magic," He muddered. He knew what was within the package. He knew how important it was to the cause of the war. It would mean victory.
Now he pondered to himself, for which side?

"Sir," the soldier asked for a second time, "the prisoners?"

"Huh?" He looked up at the young soldier.

"What are we to do with them?"

"Oh," his eyes fixed on the awkward collection of souls before him. He knew what was to become of the two cloaked ones, "send those two to the dungeon. The Regent has plans for them."

Devon and Jerik exchaged a worried look.

"As for the other two," he scratched his beard without taking his eye off the package, "execute them."

Devon was dragged away sputtering protests and curses. The strawberry red headed one did not make a sound as her captives grabbed her and marched her up the street.
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter One)
Post by: Christopher Silva on January 28, 2008, 02:00:43 PM
Mairi, from here Lee took the tale and ran with it for many pages of exciting, action packed adventure. Just thought it would be good to see the other side of darkness.

 ;)


Chris
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter One)
Post by: memnoch on January 28, 2008, 02:28:02 PM
I see it makes a bit more sense now. You two make a great team!
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Two)
Post by: memnoch on January 28, 2008, 03:16:07 PM
Again I'm interested and like the way its going. I would however look at the dialogue, it seems contrived and unnatural i would also try and drop the medieval accent as it rarely works. Keep the dialogue modern and people will just glaze over the fact that people spoke differently. besides since its a fantasy world they can speak whatever and however you want!

I would also like a bit more description as it still feels a little stilted. However the bones and muscle of the piece is there, a little bit of work on the skin and it'd be sorted!

This is only my opinion though
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Two)
Post by: ma100 on January 29, 2008, 08:35:14 AM
hey lee
Folowing on well mate.Good story.
Take care.
mairi
 
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter One)
Post by: Christopher Silva on January 29, 2008, 08:43:11 AM
Memnoch, thanks. I am a moderator on another writer site frequented by Lee. He and I are friends and enjoy writing stuff together. The internet is so cool, people can be a world apart and enjoy a good friendship.


Chris
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter One)
Post by: davidleejones13 on January 29, 2008, 08:58:49 AM
Memnoch,
I am proud to be known as Chris' friend. He is an excellent author who has taught me so much in these past few months. He has helped me re discover a passion for writing I thought I had lost.

 I have written more in the past three months than I have had in the past three years and I have Chris to thank for helping me regain condfidence I had lost.
Some have seen that confidence as conceit, but Chris helped me through a rough patch that almost saw me give up writing again (which I had for about a year).

I have told Chris I do not care if I sound like I am President of his Admiration Society, if it were not for him I would not be on this site writing right now. He is a great author and a great friend, and to use an American phrase if I may, I do not care if I sound like a kiss ass when it comes to Chris Silva.

I am proud to be here amongst Chris and other really good authors on MWC...

DLJ13
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Two)
Post by: davidleejones13 on January 29, 2008, 09:00:46 AM
Ma,
Thank you for always bringing a smile to my face.
I am so glad I have met you. You are always so kind with your comments.

Lee
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Two)
Post by: Christopher Silva on January 29, 2008, 09:08:29 AM
Lee, good work man.


chris
Title: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
Post by: davidleejones13 on January 29, 2008, 09:17:10 AM
Captain Moncrede brought the package to his room in the Inn.
He set it down on the desk in the corner of the room and sat on the edge of his bed after unbucking his sword.

He had the power to win the war within his hands.
But who would he help?

He loathed Saybon the Regent. He had served under the tyrant for years now and should be a general. Without him Saybon would not even control the lands this very village stood on.
He also did not like the way Saybon had begun strengthening his lines with thugs and theives....and now this. Stolen from the North. Saybon had resorted to theivery himself.

To the Captain it was just too unhonorable.
But so was the offer he had received just two days ago from the enemy. And to Moncrede, treason was even more dishonorable than thievery.
He decided to let events progress for a few more days before he made his final descision.

**

Devon and Jerik sat on the stone floor in a small cramp cell in the main keeps dungeon. It was cold and wet and the sickening smell of mold stuck in thier noses.

They had tried to use magic on the thick shackles that were clamped tightly on their wrists but ward spells on the iron thwarted any attempt of magic from being used upon them.

They had passed the previous hour pondering what the Regent had in store for them. Now Jerick changed the subject to pass the time until the inevitable doom came upon them.

"Tell me Devon," he said after a long thoughtful silence, "the package. I know what it means to the side that possesses it, but exactly what does it hold within?"

Devon stared off into space for a long time before answering with a heavy sigh.
"Ancient and woderous magic Jerick. Very powerful and very dangerous."

"I must know more," he urged as it seemed that is all Devon wanted to offer on the subject.

Devon studied Jerik's face a moment as sadness drew heavy lines upon his.
"To know Jerik," he said slowly, "would prove a heavy burdon. Are you sure you want me to tell you?"

"Yes," Jerik responded swallowing a lump in his throat.

"Okay," Devon answered, "but just note that I warned you you were better off not knowing."

Jerik nodded a seriousness setting his facial expression.

"The object within is called the Nureaytumea." Devon began explaining. "It has been hidden since time forgotten by the Svorsomes, a strange ancient sect of wizards we know little about. It was said they drew on the power of the Nureaytumea to keep their lands and themselves hidden for eons.
The power of the Nureaytumea was so great they simply erased themselves from the face of the Earth.

"In recent times the Svorsome's numbers have dwindled and the remaining wizards of the sect have become weak. One of thier numbers left a century ago and settled in a village south of here where he let tales of the Nureaytumea slip into the world.

"The stories were consider myth until our friend the Regent took upon himself to send assassins to the Svorsome's homeland and kill the remaining wizards that guarded the ancient artifact."

"How do you know so much about it?" Jerik asked quizically.

"I was sent to the village the stray Svorsome resided in to do research when my superior found out what the Regent was upto."

Why is the Nurray...Nureaytumea?" Jerik fumbled with the word, "so dangerous? Could the Wizards use it to win the war?"

Devon pondered the question a moment and then answered carefully.
"The Nureaytumea draws on the very soul of the planet. The magic deep within the core that brings us night and day. The one who possesses the Nureaytumea would have control over the very elements of the world. It is unspeakable power."

A dark shadow crossed over his face as he paused before continuing on.

"Also, if the right incantions are known, the one using the Nureaytumea can....Unmake," Devon choked on the word, "any living being he sees unworthy."

Captain Moncrede tore away the plain brown paper revealing an obsidian box within.


Devon continued, "our only hope lies within the spells that keep the box magically  locked ."

Captain Moncrede curiously studied his distorted and grotesque reflection on the black surface as he heard the whispering voice repeat over and over in his head, "Noxerea, procurium."

"If one was to unlock the package," Devon spit the words out as if they tasted sour, "they would have untold power."

Captain Moncrede shook his head as if to silence the whispering voice.
"Repeat.....Noxerea procurium." Against his will he mouthed the words and as their echo died away the box split open.

"They would have the power of the gods...." Devons voice trailed off.

Captain Moncrede reached inside the obsidian box and a grin parted his lips as his hands closed around the Nureaytumea.

"Or the power of the demons." Jerik responded as understanding took an icy grip upon his soul. "Gods help us."
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
Post by: memnoch on January 29, 2008, 05:57:21 PM
Excellent this is your best piece in this series. The Switching between the two sections is a strange one,it works for me but I think that I may be in the minority. I really like this you should be proud. It's tense and interesting. I do want to know a little more about Moncrede and I think that this is the best place to put some of his views and prejudices in before he gains untold power!
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
Post by: Christopher Silva on January 29, 2008, 06:05:00 PM
Lee, great!

Chris
Title: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
Post by: davidleejones13 on January 30, 2008, 03:06:00 AM
The Captain pulled the Nureaytumea from its black obsidian box.
He was a bit taken back to see a black scaled snake in his grasp. He saw the snakes eyes were like two black obsidian globes staring back at him.
The snakes tongue flickered across his wrist as it's black diamond shaped head began swaying back and forth.

The snake had the Captain mesmerized as it slowly coiled itself around his forearm. He wanted to shake the snake loose but he was frozen paralyzed unable to move his arm.

The snake's black head lowered and the Captain watched in horror as two black fanged teeth plunged into the viens of his exposed wrist. He saw black venum darken the blood vessel before his eyes as a stinging fire made its way up his arm. He felt magical power flowing with the black venum and suddenly his senses sharpened.

He felt a sudden surge of strength as the fire reached the base of his skull and he looked at his reflection in the obsidian box.

Suddenly he saw the white of his eyes and the iris dissolve into black obsidian. He was also suddenly aware of an overwhelmingly powerful prescence within his mind.

"Thank you Captain Moncrede," He heard within his head as the soul that was the Captain was dispatched leaving only his memories and knowledge behind to be used at the disposal of his bodies new tenant.

The snake around his wrist solidified into a black metal gaunlet. The metal relief of the snake's body could still be seen.

"Guard," He called out.
The young soldier cracked the door and peered in.
"Yes Captain Moncrede?"
"Call for the Regent," he answered studying his new face on the smoothness of the empty black box, "tell him to come claim his prize."

An evil grin crossed his wheathered face as the young guard left on his errand. He looked down at the metal glove upon his hand running his other hand over the ridges of the snake.
"We are Nureaytumea..."

"Sir?" the young guard was back about twenty minutes later.
"Come," Nureaytumea ordered.

"Sir," the door cracked, "the Regent has-"
The young guard was cut short as Saybon pushed his way past shoving the door ajar sending it crashing against the wall showering loose stucco to the polished wooden floor.

"Where is it Captian?" The Regent asked striding into the room with arrogant confidence.

Nureaytumea smiled still looking at his reflection in the mirror.
He slowly turned to face the Regent without getting up from his chair.

"You will stand and address me Captian!" Saybon ordered distain dripping like venom from each word.

The Regent was taken back when his statement was met by booming laughter.
Saybon faultered as he noticed the two black mirrored eyes that stared back at him from underneath the Captains brow.

"It is you who will kneel before Nureaytumea," the Captains voice echoed off the walls of the room with hollow resonance, "and give me allegiance."

The slackjawd Regent straightened and lifted his chin to look down his nose at the wizended looking soldier.

"What is the meaning of this indignancey?" He demanded defiantly.
Nureaytumea raised his gaunlet clad hand and slowly stood.

Saybon felt an overwhelming force pushing down upon his shoulders and he found himself kneeling before the Captain against his will. He tried to voice his disapproval but found his tongue had swollen within his mouth and he was unable to voice his dismay.

Nureaytumea closed his obsidian eyes and began chanting in a long forgetten anceint language as he slowly approached the Regent.
Saybon watched in horror as Nureaytumea raised his gaunleted hand and grabbed the thread of his being and slowly unravelled the fabric of his existance.

Within the space of three breaths the Regent ceased to exist.... His memory was erased from the minds of anyone who had ever came in contact with him. His reign came to an end as his badge of office hit the Inn floor with a metallic thud.
Nureaytumea turned to the young guard.

"Rally the Garrison Commanders to me now."

Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
Post by: Big T on January 30, 2008, 03:29:53 AM
Interesting dlj13 ... some obvious repetititions at the start certainly has the makings of a good story ... my help for what it's worth!


The Captain pulled the Nureaytumea from its black  obsidian  box.
He was a bit taken back to see a black  scaled snake  in his grasp. He saw the snakes  eyes were like two black  obsidian  globes staring back at him.
The snakes  tongue flickered across his wrist as it's black  diamond shaped head began swaying back and forth.

The snake  had the Captain mesmerized as it slowly coiled itself around his forearm. He wanted to shake the snake  loose but he was frozen paralyzed unable to move his arm.

The snake's black  head lowered and the Captain watched in horror as two black  fanged teeth plunged into the viens of his exposed wrist. He saw black  venum (venom) darken the blood vessel before his eyes as a stinging fire made its way up his arm. He felt magical power flowing with the black  venom and suddenly his senses sharpened.

I stopped counting the repititions here)...

He felt a sudden surge of strength as the fire reached the base of his skull and he looked at his reflection in the obsidian box.

Suddenly he saw the white of his eyes and the iris dissolve into black obsidian. He was also suddenly aware of an overwhelmingly powerful prescence within his mind.

"Thank you Captain Moncrede," He heard within his head as the soul that was the Captain was dispatched leaving only his memories and knowledge behind to be used at the disposal of his bodies new tenant.

The snake around his wrist solidified into a black metal gaunlet. The metal relief of the snake's body could still be seen.

"Guard," He called out.
The young soldier cracked the door and peered in.
"Yes Captain Moncrede?"
"Call for the Regent," he answered studying his new face on the smoothness of the empty black box, "tell him to come claim his prize."

An evil grin crossed his wheathered face as the young guard left on his errand. He looked down at the metal glove upon his hand running his other hand over the ridges of the snake.
"We are Nureaytumea..."

"Sir?" the young guard was back about twenty minutes later.
"Come," Nureaytumea ordered.

"Sir," the door cracked, "the Regent has-"
The young guard was cut short as Saybon pushed his way past shoving the door ajar sending it crashing against the wall showering loose stucco to the polished wooden floor.

"Where is it Captian?" The Regent asked striding into the room with arrogant confidence.

Nureaytumea smiled still looking at his reflection in the mirror.
He slowly turned to face the Regent without getting up from his chair.

"You will stand and address me Captian!" Saybon ordered distain dripping like venom from each word.

The Regent was taken back when his statement was met by booming laughter.
Saybon faultered as he noticed the two black mirrored eyes that stared back at him from underneath the Captains brow.

"It is you who will kneel before Nureaytumea," the Captains voice echoed off the walls of the room with hollow resonance, "and give me allegiance."

The slackjawed Regent straightened and lifted his chin to look down his nose at the wizended looking soldier.

"What is the meaning of this indignancey?" He demanded defiantly. Indignancey - not in my dictionary
Nureaytumea raised his gaunlet clad hand and slowly stood.

Saybon felt an overwhelming force pushing down upon his shoulders and he found himself kneeling before the Captain against his will. He tried to voice his disapproval but found his tongue had swollen within his mouth and he was unable to voice his dismay.

Nureaytumea closed his obsidian eyes and began chanting in a long forgetten anceint language as he slowly approached the Regent.
Saybon watched in horror as Nureaytumea raised his gauntleted hand and grabbed the thread of his being and slowly unravelled the fabric of his existance. existence

Within the space of three breaths the Regent ceased to exist.... His memory was erased from the minds of anyone (everyone?) who had ever came in contact with him. Come into contact, been in contact?His reign came to an end as his badge of office hit the Inn floor with a metallic thud.
Nureaytumea turned to the young guard.

"Rally the Garrison Commanders to me now."


Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
Post by: davidleejones13 on January 30, 2008, 03:36:38 AM
Big T,
Thanks for taking the time out to send the edits. I must go catch some sleep now, I will work on fixing her up tomorrow or Thursday. I appreciate the look out!  ;)
I know my grammar skills leave a lot to be desired.

DLJ13
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
Post by: Big T on January 30, 2008, 03:48:06 AM
It's the effort ... on your part .. that really counts.   ;)
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
Post by: ma100 on January 30, 2008, 06:20:38 AM
oh sheesh!!!! Lee your doing it again mate... Just when I thought I could sleep again hehe. Well done mate It's very, very good.
take care  ;)
Mairi
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
Post by: Nomic on January 30, 2008, 07:06:36 AM
I thought I wouldn't like this at all.  That changed when I reached the line "A dark shadow crossed over his face as he paused before continuing on."  Mixing the dialog with the action worked for me.  I like it; especially how the Nureaytumea wants to be opened.

The first part, however, is more like a history lesson.  Highschool history class soured me on history.  I'd much rather see the action.  My suggestion: find every occurence of the word "had" and rewrite it with action in mind. Ex: "He had the power to win the war with his hands." could be "His hands held the power to decide the fate of this war."  Whetever you do, do not use the word "had".
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
Post by: Christopher Silva on January 30, 2008, 07:50:01 AM
Nomic, the 'had' idea is an interesting one. I think I'll read this again with that in mind and see if it makes a difference.

Lee, tune this up and you have a great episode here.

Chris
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
Post by: davidleejones13 on January 30, 2008, 11:21:38 AM
Nomic,
Great suggestion, I will work on this and repost in a day or two.
That is why I am sold on MWC, the help I recieve here in so valuable. You guys are the best editors (and friends) in the world!

Thanks so much Nomic!

Ma, and Chris.
You two are gold. I do not think I would have posted a third of what I have it were not for you two.
Ma just taunts me to write more, while Chris helps me to write better.

Cheers to all three of you guys!
Lee ;D
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
Post by: diablosway5869 on January 31, 2008, 02:26:18 AM
nice im into wizards..you had  a typo towards the beginning but i think your book will do good once you complete it.
Title: The Wizard War (Chapter Five)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 03, 2008, 04:37:53 PM
Devon and Jerik heard the guards descending the stairs out side of the dungeon cell.

"I want to do the shorter one on the rack!" One said to the other as they reached the iron bar door fumbling with the keys, "I want to see if 'n I can make 'em taller than the other one."

The other guard chuckled as they opened the creaking rusty door.

"Hello boys," the first guard said with a cheerful smile, "we are to be your torturers today."

They ushered the two prisoners outside into the dark dungeon corridor. As they passed through the doorway Devon felt the wards against magic drop away.

After just a few steps down the corridor Jerik was on the first guard in a flash. The burly man grabbed for his sword with one hand while struggling to grasp at the thick links of Jerik's shackle chain that dug into his neck with the other.

Devon already had a spell at the ready and wasted no time putting the other guard down as his companion struggled with the bigger one. Moments later both men stood over their unconscious would be torturers freeing themselves from their shackles.

"Good thing," Devon said rubbing his raw bleeding wrists, "the Regent is too cheap to hire smart soldiers."

"Something does not sit right with me," Jerik said attaching the ring of the guards keys to his belt, "that was just too easy."

"Haven't you ever heard of good ol' fashioned luck?"

"Grow up my friend," Jerik shot back with a furrowed brow, "there is no such thing as luck."

Jerik grabbed up the sword and deftly leaped over the two prostrate guards. As he landed on the other side he looked up the stone staircase into the eyes of a young scribe dressed in a tattered gray cloak.
The boy stared back wide eyed with fear.

"Boy," Jerik held up a warning hand realizing the young one was about to shout out the alarm, "You don't want to do that!"

The boy was too far up the stone stair way to grab.
The frightened young one turned and quickly made his way back up the stairs.

Jerik cursed and bound up the steep stairs in persuit.

Devon stood dumbfounded at the bottom of the steps amazed at the speed at which Jerik climbed the steps and reached the first landing disappearing around the blind corner.

Devon heard one of the men at his feet groan as he began climbing the steps after his compainion.
A breath later Jerik came skidding back around the corner.

"Run!" He shouted bounding down the steps and past a befuddled Devon.
"What the Hell-" His words were cut off as a trio of mean looking guard dogs rounded the corner in barking persuit.

All he could see was frothing mouths full of teeth and glowing red eyes.

"Hell hounds?" He turned on his heel and jumped over the two waking guards.

"Good luck boys!" He said over his shoulder as the two men sat up with groggy looks upon thier faces that suddenly turned to surprise. Two of the hounds broke off their chase and bit hungrily into human flesh and Devon heard the blood curdling screams behind him.

He ran as hard as he could. The thought of certain death had given him surprising speed down the corridor. Devon tried to think of a spell to facilitate an escape but he was too frightened to focus.

Devon heard the gaining padded pawsteps right on his heal and he knew he was done for. He was confident the hound would only take mere seconds of pain wracked hell to kill him off. These animals were aided by dark magic and were too strong to fight off by hand. Only magic could stop them but he was too panic stricken to think of a spell.

He rounded a corner and slammed into the opposite wall unable cut the turn in the hallway tight enough. He fell to the floor a sprawl of arms and legs. Devon rolled over to look into the red glowing eyes of the evil hound springing through the air about to pounce upon him.

"This is it." Flashed in his mind.

"Suspendious!" A high pitched womans voice cut through the dank dungeon air.
Devon stared wide eyed as the animal before him stopped in mid air just inches above his face.

A long spindal of dog druel dripped from the gaping tooth filled maul and ran down the side of Devon cheek.

"What-" he stared at the evil visage suspened before him. He heard the dog whimper as strong hands grabbed him and slid him from beneath the surprised animal.

"Look who I ran into!" Jerik said with a smile pulling him to his feet.

Devon turned to look awestruck into the red haired freckled face of his savior.
"What....how?" He stammered.

"It is good to see you too!" She said with a wide grin, "We can sort out all the details later. Right now we need to get the Hell out of here!"

Devon heard the barking of the other two dogs as he looked behind him at the suspended third hound.

"Devon," he heard Jeriks voice from the end of the corridor, "are you coming?"

"No such thing as luck my ass!" He scoffed to himself as he quickly followed after.
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Five)
Post by: ma100 on February 03, 2008, 06:09:22 PM
Hi Lee
This one is going along great mate really enjoying reading. The hound suspended in mid pounce, it reminded me of my uncles old pub. a He had this life size resin wolf in mid flight snarling and dribbling. It used to frighten the life out of me and the punters as they entered the bar. Well done Lee...
 :)
Mairi
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Five)
Post by: Don on February 03, 2008, 06:30:58 PM
DLJ - You continue to inspire.

One small thing: heel, not heal.  Yes, yes, I know.  I hate spellcheck you're thinking, but at least you're not writing with a quill. :)

Keep up the good work.
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Five)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 04, 2008, 04:11:43 PM
Don,
Spellcheck my thinking anytime. I need all the help I can get. I have always been a terrible speller! I do not mind and not offended when getting help with my mechanics. I appreciate your interest in my work.
I already made that change, thanks Don! ;)

Ma,
I am sharpening that surgical knife right now...I feel Toothie is going to be on the prowl tonight. You just may find another dead body turning up tomorrow morning....
Thanks for your support in your very kind PMs. You have really become a true friend and I appreciate your concern greatly.

And you are not Ditzy.

Lee
Title: The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 04, 2008, 06:57:17 PM
As Jerik, made his way through the labrynth of narrow dungeon corridors he began thinking about the people that spent the final moments of their lives in this dark underworld. He knew they were making thier way through the part of the underground prison the Regent put unfortunate souls to forget about them. His gaze flashed back and forth into the dark recesses of the dank cells momentarily lingering on old shackled bones feebly bouncing the magic light back to them.
The putrid smell of death and decay was everywhere around him.

Then his eyes fixed onto the strawberry blonde hair of the woman leading the way.
She held her sword before her and it glowed bright with magic light.
The luminesence lit up her face and hair brilliantly and Devon thought how much her face lightened his heart even in this dark place.
She was a vision...an angel.

"Ione." He reapeated the name within his mind and realized he had been in love with her for quite some time.
He recalled when they were kids together Saybon would tease him about being in love with her. He would always deny it. Now as his eyes studied her, he embraced those feelings and his heart and body began aching with the need to be with her.

Suddenly they were plunged into darkness.
Jerik stopped in his tracks and strained as he listened in the darkness.

"What happened?" Devon's voice pushed against the oppressive darkness and struggled to meet Devons ears.
He heard the clank of Ione's sword hit the ground.

"It appears the magic in the area has suddenly been drawn on to the point of depleation."

"Damn the gods," Devon cursed, "The Nureaytumea!"

"What is the Nureaytumea?" Ione asked.

"C'mon girl," Devon said with trepidation, "the very item we were fighting over that landed us here."

"Tell her Jerik," Devon's pleading voice reached out into the oppressive darkness, "what we were talking about earlier in the cell."

There was no response as the sword within Ione's grasp sputtered back to life with a more feable light than before. Devon saw from the confused look upon Jerik's face that he was struggling with recalling what they had been talking about earlier.

"Remember Saybon?"

"Who?" Both Jerik and Ione asked in unison.

"The Regent?" He looked at both of his dumbfounded companions.

"You know there is no Regent," Jerik shrugged, "that is the reason the village has become the center of the power vacuum."

Devon looked at his friend in the magic light. Then he looked over to Ione whose expression seemed confused and understanding took root in his mind. The very spell he had mentioned earlier had been performed. The Nureaytumea was definitely out of the box and had been used on the Regent. He wondered just who was wielding it's power.

"Neither of you remembers our childhood friend Saybon?" Devon asked in dismay.

Both his companions shook their heads.
How come he could remember and they could not?

"Come on guys," He sighed, "we need to get out of here and go and see a certain Svoresome."

Even as the last words trailed off he was having trouble remembering what Saybon looked like. He found himself even feeling a bit sorry for this person he had learned to hate over recent years.

"What's a Svoresome?" His two companions asked once again in unison.
Devon wondered just how much longer he would know himself.

"I will explain along the way."
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
Post by: WESTON on February 04, 2008, 07:28:49 PM
i liked this. the dialogue really sets the tone. you use it well. im going to start writing dialogue like that. it has more flare to it than mine does. it paints the dungon journey to the point were it is vivid in my mind.

i dont like being down there and trying to picture strawberries though. it kinda put a bright red pound cake image, right in the middle of my darkness.  just say blond, or redish


Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 04, 2008, 08:18:10 PM
Weston,
Thank you for the comment. I will try to clear up the blond/red thing, sorry to make that a bit confusing.
I apprectiate the help, sometimes I do get carried away and to hear another perspective always helps me clear things up.

That is what makes the site MWC so useful, there are a bunch of great writers here who are willing to help you out.
I found my writing has improved drastically since I joined. Weston, you are going to love this site. Welcome.

DLJ13
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
Post by: WESTON on February 05, 2008, 01:31:02 AM
the strawberry blond thing wasnt confusing, it just had a good ship lollie pop floating in a sea of dark abyss feel to it.

im trying to get on here more and more. im learning a great deal from writers like yourself.

ill keep an eye out for you and your pages.

thanks!

Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
Post by: memnoch on February 05, 2008, 09:16:34 AM
heya dude I like it a lot. I would have a look at the first paragraph as it tripped me over a couple of times. I enjoy the pace of your story its fast and intriguing your characters are also interesting.
I would be tempted to change the "he realized he had been in love with her for quite some time" section as that just seems a little bit forced and without the passion necessary for such a realization!

keep going mate!

Title: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 05, 2008, 12:53:46 PM
Devon, Jerik, and Ione found an exit through a drainage tunnel and after a brief struggle with an ancient iron grate, found themselves outside of the main keep's walls.

The town was a frenzy of activity. Frightened villages were being ushered roughly through the muddy streets by steel faced soldiers. They carefully made their way through the town using back alleyways for cover. An hour later they found themselves at the village gate.

Ione used an invisibility shield to get them to the other side unseen. She found it difficult to maintain the spell for more than just a few moments, but it was long enough to go unnoticed by the guards.

"We must get away from here quickly," Devon said as they took cover just off the gate road within a stand of trees, "they will be searching for us as soon as they discovered we have escaped."

"I must stay behind," Jerik said solemnly. He glanced briefly at Ione and then dropped his eyes, "I have unfinished business to take care of."

"Very well my friend," Devon patted him on the shoulder.

"I will find out all I can," Jerik responded, "about what the hell is going on."

Ione embraced him in a great big hug and sent a hot rush of blood to his face after a moist kiss on his red cheek.

"Where are we headed?" Ione asked after they watched Jerik dissappear.

"South," He said with a sigh and pulled his cloak tighter around him, "It will be very dangerous but I fear things are more dangerous here being so close to the Nureaytumea."

As they began their journey down the main road leading away from the village Devon's thoughts turned again to the Regent, the Nureaytumea's unfortunate victim. He still wondered why he remembered at all, even though it was only a wisp of a memory.

Saybon.

He struggled to recall the name, but he refused to let it go.
He knew if he did he would end up losing all memories of even where he was headed. Without the the existance of the Regent, he would have never made this journey in the past, and would not remember the way here in the present.

It was all a delicate house of cards wanting to be forgotten.
The paradox was beginning to give him a headache.

"And who is it we are to see?" Ione asked studying the far off look on Devon's face.

"A Svorvesome named," he struggled for the name and found it very difficult to pull from a rapidly dimming memory. He snatched at it before it slipped completely into the darkness.
"Favreau."

Five days of less than uneventful journey found them at the edge of a tree shrouded village. It was hidden from the road by a ridgeline of thick underbrush and foliage. As they neared the treelined timber wall of the village the gate cracked open and out walked an ancient looking fellow dressed in a white cloak.

He approached the two companions and waved at Devon.

"It is good to see you my old friend," The elder man said, "I was hoping you could hold on long enough to afford me a visit before I slipped from your memory altogether."

"Favreau?" Devon asked not remembering the Svorvesomes face.

"I see you remember my name, very good. You are much stonger than I anticipated. This is good news."

"How is it I can still remember it when no one else can recall the world before the Nureaytumea?"

"Ah my boy," the old man put a hand on Devon's shoulder, "that is a very good question. Which brings me to my very good question for you."

Devon answered the statement with a dumbfounded expression.
The old man's lips parted in a sly smile and his gaze turned to Ione who blushed and looked down at her feet.

"Who is this beautiful fiery aparition?"
Favreau lead Ione away towards the village gate leaving Devon standing in confusion.

He shot a glance at the old man who shot him a wink back over his shoulder.

"Are you coming my boy?" He said with a warm smile, "Or would you care to join the Reichtling as dinner."

Devon shivered as he recalled the brief encounter he and Ione had had just two nights before with the crazed half human, half beasts. He slowly followed the others through the village gate that quietly closed on huge wooden hinges behind them.


      ------------------------------------> Meanwhile back at the Village of the Keep<-----------------------------

Captain Hauk huddled in the corner of the dank basement of the small house. He was drenched with sweat after his mad dash from the scene of the battle.

He and twelve men loyal to him decided they would not become one of the Generals "subjects" and decided to resist. Captain Hauk felt good about his chances for General Moncrede had sent all his battle hardened soldiers to the western front. All he and his men would have to fight would be the village folk.

He had been a soldier all of his thirty two years and he had never seen anything like he had seen today. He and his men were able to put up only a meager ten minute fight against their number in towns folk. He was all that was left of that group.

These people their black eyes shining, were possessed. They took out veteran warriors with twenty years of battle experience like they were green pupils on thier first day of weapons training. He saw a seventy year old farmer with a pitchfork take out his best swordsman in just two minutes. This was impossible he cried to himself.

His breath suddenly caught in his throat as he heard russling outside of his hiding place in the cellar. He froze everymuscle straining not to make a single sound. He could hear the clink of armor.

"Captain Hauk?" He heard the familiar young voice. It was one of his guards. He waited a moment before answering. Maybe he was not alone after all. He cursed himself for being such a coward. He gathered himself up and stepped from hiding.

Before him stood Sealic one of his younger guards standing at attention.

"Report Sealic!" The Captian ordered.

"I managed to escape sir," The soldier answered staring straight ahead, "and follow you here sir."

Something struck Captain Hauk as strange about Sealic's manner. He took a few steps closer to study the boys face in better light.
As he stepped closer Sealic held up his closed fist.

"I was told to give this to you."

The Captain froze in his tracks. It was as the boy spoke these last few words he noticed the eyes. They appeared as dark reflecting globes staring back at him. The same dark eyes the village folk and the General's subjects possessed. The boy opened his fist palm up and there coiled within his hand was a small black scaled snake.

"General Moncrede requires your services."

"No!" Captain Hauk cried throwing his arms up as the small snake suddenly lunged through the air. It landed on Hauk's armored shoulder. He tried vainly to swat at it and watched with wide eyed terror as the snake burrowed right into the shiny metal of his shoulder guard. He felt the snakes slimy under belly against the naked skin of his shoulder making it's way up the back of his neck.
He fixed his eyes on the soldier before him.

"Damn you to the underworld!" He cursed at the soldier who greeted the slur with an evil grin.
He felt the two needle like stabs in the back of his neck and felt the icy venum spread quickly through his veins.
His vision suddenly sharpened and the darkness within the basement seemed to light up.
All fear, all emotion, all independant thought dried up as he became one with the collective conscience of the Nureaytumea.
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
Post by: WESTON on February 05, 2008, 01:27:25 PM
the character interactions are great. Devon and the old man seem to have a shared kindered spirit.

you really open this world up! 
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 05, 2008, 01:32:05 PM
Thanks Weston,
There is a lot more ahead, this is just the beginning. ;D
The old man is a really delightful character.

Thanks for reading,
DLJ13
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
Post by: WESTON on February 05, 2008, 01:38:36 PM
i can tell. i like him already. gotta jet. later.
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
Post by: ma100 on February 05, 2008, 02:24:20 PM
Back with avengence uh Lee ;D Whats next? hehe
( have you got any keys left on your keyboard)

take care
Mairi
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
Post by: memnoch on February 05, 2008, 02:30:20 PM
another good one dude well done
Title: The Wizard War (Chapter Eight)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 06, 2008, 03:00:38 AM
They made their way through the small quaint village to Favreau's humble home.
It was built in the huge bough limbs of an ancient oak tree that grew on the side of a grass lined hill.

Ione and Devon were amazed at how agile the old man was as they watched him ascend the rope ladder to the tree home with the dexterity of a teenager.

After Favreau fed them sweetbread and rasberry tea they fell into light conversation as the old man fed wood to the fire that burned heartily in the hearth.

After allowing time for the traveled wraggled companions time to get settled the old man's expression turned gavely serious.

"In the five days since you left the town behind you things have grown much worse."

"How do you know of this?" Ione asked in disbelief, "we come straight from there."

The old man pulled a cloth that shrouded a decorative peice in the middle of the huge oak table around which they sat.

A large obsidian ball sat on a rough wooden stand. Ione noted that where the ball rested on the rough wood the wood seemed to have turned to glass itself. Glass shining back the same black obsidian reflection.

"The Mother Dragon's Eye." Favreau said reaching out taking the other two by the hands. They made a circle around the "eye."

To the alarm of the other two the old man's eyes rolled back into his head as if he were having a seizure. They tried to pull away but Favreau had an icy grip they could not tear away from.

Suddenly it was as if they were no longer within the common room of the humble tree home but back on the cobbled streets of the town they had just left.
Everything was dead quiet and at first no one was to be seen. Then marching around the corner in perfect parade lines were the towns people. Ione made a move to step back but found to her horror she could not move.

"Do not worry child," Favreau held her hand reassuredly, " we are not really here."

She flinched as the nearest column marched just inches from her face. She knew these people. She had grown up with them, went to school with them, they were her friends.

Only, they were not. She saw that everyone of the towns folks stared from obsidian eyes devoid of human life. She saw to her horror as Amanda, here sister, marched by that dangling from the back of her neck was a small black scaled snake.
Suddenly with a flash they were back at the tree home.

Favreau quickly covered the Mother Dragon's Eye.

"Moncrede is no longer human, "the old man sighed, "He is now Nureaytumea. And he has amassed a huge army of mindless slaves to push through this region and take over the country."

Devon and Ione stared back in horror, the previous scene of mindless villagers marching in front of them still fresh in their minds.

"Can they be saved?" Ione asked with the picture of her zombie-like sister burned into her memory.

"Now that is exactly why you're here isn't it?" Favreau said cracking a warm smile.
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Eight)
Post by: WESTON on February 06, 2008, 01:20:18 PM
rich imagery. lovin it
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter One)
Post by: Age on February 07, 2008, 06:32:37 AM
Here we go, another long oddyssy from Lee...Why do I do these things to myself??

Excellent start lee, though I must admit, the action seems a little strained and a little muddled, to me at least.  Are you going to use more of the intro chris wrote?  Like the finger going into the celler??  That's mondo-creepy, that part right there was very well written chris, bravo!!
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Two)
Post by: Age on February 07, 2008, 06:45:27 AM
Maybe I should hold some of my comments until i read the WHOLE thing, since there ate like...10 parts now?

....nah, screw it.

The piece is good, though you may want to look at some of your words.  Like Memnoch said, the midieval accents seem a little forced at times.  Like why would the captain call her 'Lass' when he throws her to the ground?  to me, Lass has always been a more friendly petname than a general discription.  Just an oppinion there.

It also seems odd that the Captian would killl Jerrod, when wasn't that who he was going to see anyway??  The plot thickens..

Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
Post by: Age on February 07, 2008, 07:22:42 AM
I don't know what memnoch is going on about, the back and forth was a superb touch, IMO.  But I think Jerik should actually fumble on the word 'Nureaytumea', like

"Why is the Nurray...Nureaytumea?" Jerik fumbled with the word, "so dangerous? Could the Wizards use it to win the war?"

something along those lines, give a visual of how he was fumbling on it.  I've always thought those little touches really add to a scene, and make it come alive.
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
Post by: Christopher Silva on February 07, 2008, 07:36:17 AM
Age has a good idea here Lee.

Love it, keep 'em comin'


Chris
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 07, 2008, 12:35:19 PM
Age,
Thank you for the suggestion and you are exactly right. I have made the change and it reads so much better.
Thank your for reading...and caring.

Lee
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Two)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 07, 2008, 12:48:34 PM
Age,
I am glad you are getting into it. I will go back after I have posted all the chapters and make another edit and throw out what doesn't work an maybe add some more relating to some of the suggestions.
The reason I did not use the cellar at the inn is because I did not feel it was pivatol to where I was going with the whole story. Creepy yes! Great subplot...
Chris' original scene can be taking in so many different directions, this was just my take on it. He inspired this story and I ran with it, and I am still running. 
I am glad you are keeping up with it Age, it is good to have you back from vacation.

Your friend,
Lee
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
Post by: Age on February 07, 2008, 11:15:05 PM
Interesting, the very reason for a whole war has just been erased from memory...should make things interesting...though i think 'slackjawd' is misspelled...and so might that....
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Five)
Post by: Age on February 07, 2008, 11:55:59 PM
Good going here Lee!  The action sequence was pretty good, I could vizualize it well.  Though, i could see them meeting up with whats-her-name from a ways off.

Oh, nice new avatar!!
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
Post by: Age on February 08, 2008, 12:09:29 AM
I must agree, the whole lovey deal seems a bit forced.  The rest of the dialogue is good though.  Getting good now, the plot thickens yet again...
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
Post by: ma100 on February 08, 2008, 12:10:11 AM
UH HAH!!! It must of been hiding from me hehe ;)Think I'm still missing some so I'm now on a mission still, makes it different reading chapters in the wrong order. Well done lee.
Mairi
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
Post by: Age on February 08, 2008, 12:14:13 AM
Yeah, it's a bit of a hassle to run them all down and read them...and I do feel a bit guilty, commenting on each peice so far...not trying to push everyone's stuff down the list or anything...
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 08, 2008, 12:27:05 AM
Thank you guys for taking the time to read them. I hope you are enjoying reading them as much as I did writing them. It has been a fun series for me.

DLJ
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Five)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 08, 2008, 12:30:55 AM
Thanks Age,
I am glad your perception is sharp. I can not get anything past you can I?
You had to have a love interest to give the story more depth.  Besides, she is a kickass character, I could not discard her. She belongs in the story! Besides, she is fun to look at, atleast from where I am sitting! ;)

Your friend,
Lee

Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
Post by: ma100 on February 08, 2008, 12:32:40 AM
Hi lee . I see you based the love interest on me hehehehehehe. I wish! Keep em coming mate.
Mairi ;D
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
Post by: Age on February 08, 2008, 12:32:59 AM
Ione embraced him in a great big hug and sent a hot rush of blood to his face after a moist kiss on his red cheek.

I fould this line to be a tad confusing, too many pronouns maybe. 

"Ione embraced him in a great big hug and sent a hot rush of blood to Jerik's face after a moist kiss on his red cheek"

This would read better, IMO.  I'm loving how the memory of Saybon is slipping away, and all the things related to him.  You're doing it well, mate. 

I also think you should put some kind of breaker before you just jump to five days later, something more than just a new line.

My last nit-pick is only grammer related, and being as it's not your strong point, i wont waste any more time than I need, so i wont....this time!!

Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 08, 2008, 12:37:33 AM
Ma,
You know it was you. I love you so much I had to include you in a story.  ;D
Thank you so much for reading, I am glad you like the series. It was fun for me too.
I think I am going to take a break on this one so I can go and write the final episode of TOOTHIE.

Your friend,'
Lee
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Eight)
Post by: Age on February 08, 2008, 12:43:23 AM
Shorter, still good.  but does 'EYE' have to be in all capitals?  it seems just a bit tacky, since it wasn't in all caps beforehand...
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 08, 2008, 12:45:39 AM
Thanks Mem,
Thanks Age,
nit pick all you want man. You can only make it better by your comments. That is the difference between constructive and destructive criticism. YOU are doing it without malica and only to help. You will not offend me, so have at it.
I am just thrilled you are reading it and keeping up with it.

Lee
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Eight)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 08, 2008, 12:48:22 AM
Age,
Eye just changed it.  ;D
Keep me straight man. Thank you!

Lee
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
Post by: Age on February 08, 2008, 01:04:05 AM
it's not much about offending, its more like

"OKAY lee, here we go...ya messed up THIS and this and put a coma here..."

I can be like an overbearing mother, if you prefer
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Eight)
Post by: Age on February 08, 2008, 01:07:45 AM
...and now it seems that 'eye' should be capitalized ONCE, since you were using it as a proper noun before.

The Dragon Mother's Eye.

Just not all caps.





you ASKED for it, sir.
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapters One to Eight)
Post by: PaulW on February 08, 2008, 08:56:57 AM
I apologise for the temporary absence of these wizard war threads. They were pushing everyone else off the front page so, with Lee's agreement, I've consolidated the bulk of them into this single thread. Sorry for any inconvenience caused.

Paul
Title: Re: The Wizard War (Chapters One to Eight)
Post by: davidleejones13 on February 08, 2008, 09:28:41 AM
Age,
I gotta have someone keep me straight! It might as well be you.
NO, I really do appreciate the grammar help. Lord knows, I for one, need it! ;D

Paul,
Thank you for doing this. I think it is kinda neat to look over and see that huge tally on reads and comments attached to a piece of my work. It may not give it credibility but it sure does look cool! ;)

Thank you for all of your help, and flexing the muscle. Is there a MOD of the MONTH award?
You have my vote if there is!

Lee