My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Script => Topic started by: evening68 on December 04, 2007, 01:39:29 PM

Title: A Breezy Time, would love comments
Post by: evening68 on December 04, 2007, 01:39:29 PM
I'm really annoyed that over 800 people have looked at this. Are they just people off the street? I'm deleting it.

Shari :-[
Title: Re: A Breezy Time, would love comments
Post by: PaulW on December 05, 2007, 10:19:51 AM
It's not bad at all Sheri, though it definitely needs another run through.

For example there are a couple of technical issues such as 'After a half hour passes, she falls asleep on the sofa.'

What precisely do you want to show there? Give visuals, something the director can work with, at worst.

CUT TO:
        Rebecca dozes on the sofa.
CUT TO:
   .....

or do it as a montage or something.


More importantly, you are selling yourself short on drama. The interaction with the maid; coming round in the past; dealing with the clothes seller - all of them are a bit too easy. You need to build up the tension. She'd be confused, scared, totally freaked out probably. Even if she thinks it is a dream, there would be more reaction. All of this could go in when you rewrite though so it's not a big deal, just giving my thoughts.

As it stands, I found my eyes 'skipping' as I read it, as there was no drama building. You've got the basis of a good script though so please do look over it on the dramatic side. Imagine you're watching it on the screen. Watch similar situations (the changed world theme is common) and remember the basic rule of screenwriting - steal for all you're worth! ;) 

Definitely keep on with it though.

Paul





Title: Re: A Breezy Time, would love comments
Post by: evening68 on December 05, 2007, 01:19:32 PM
Thanks Paul, for the suggestions.
It's my first try at a screenplay and it's my first draft.
I won't give up on it  :)
Title: Re: A Breezy Time, would love comments
Post by: T S Teller on January 24, 2008, 07:35:34 PM
This could be a very good story, I agree with all that Paul said. I suggest that you buy a book on writing a screenplay or stand in a bookshop and flick through some movie screenplay books just to see how its done. keep going with it as it is good for a first attempt and draft.
Title: Re: A Breezy Time, would love comments
Post by: evening68 on January 25, 2008, 12:40:44 AM
Thank you for the advice...I'll keep going (I have a book to finish first though. It's my New Year's Res. finish something before finishing something else. I WILL come back to this though).  :)
Title: Re: A Breezy Time, would love comments
Post by: thatollie on January 25, 2008, 02:45:39 AM
An alternative to the official published scripts. This site has hundreds,
http://www.sfy.ru/scripts.html
Title: Re: A Breezy Time, would love comments
Post by: evening68 on January 25, 2008, 01:17:48 PM
Thank you! I'll check out the website :)