My Writers Circle

The Coffee Shop => The Gallery => Topic started by: davidleejones13 on November 19, 2007, 10:54:05 AM

Title: Toothie (Horror, a short story) (Adult Language)
Post by: davidleejones13 on November 19, 2007, 10:54:05 AM
Greg struggled with the straps that bound him to his bed.
"Suicide watch!" He screamed at the small barred window in his cell door, "Damn you fools."

He thought of the creature he was trying to save these people from.  He had named it Toothie.  It was born from the dark sticky place in his soul and in recent weeks it had ravaged his mind.

The wall that existed between his imagination and reality was getting thin and he knew it was only a matter of time before Toothie broke through and into reality.

Toothie had become strong in recent days and he would be damned if he was going to be responsible for the death of innocent people.  He had come to know the evilness this creature possessed and he shuddered at the thought of the havoc Toothie was capable of.

"You cannot stop me!" The monster baritone voice said as the ghastly visage of Toothie's fanged face filled his mind. He saw the saliva dripping from hundreds of sharp glistening teeth and a shiver ran down his spine. The face had no eyes and black skin dripped fluidly from it's grinning skull.

"That is what you think!" He screamed at the snarling face within his mind.

He steeled his resolve and reached for the shard of glass he had hidden under his mattress.  His fingers close around the sharp edges and the pain pushed back against his imagination.  Toothie screamed.

He closed his hand tighter around the broken glass and reveled in the pain.  He felt the sticky warm blood run over his fingers and smiled at Toothie.

"You don't have the guts." Toothie taunted Greg, "I know you can't do it."

"Fuck you Toothie," he said working the peice of glass back and forth over one of the straps shredding material and skin.  The strap gave way and he sat up right in his bed.  He grabbed the piece of glass with his other hand and had it poised over his opposite wrist.

"Damn you to Hell Toothie!" Greg sliced through the soft skin.  Blood spurted from the wound as he laid back down on his bed with a sigh of satisfaction.

As his vision began to dim he heard Toothie's dark laughter.  It was then that the realization gripped his soul. These past few days Toothie had been goading him to do just what he had done. He cursed himself as he knew without a doubt, he had just let the creature free into the world.

"I will make you proud father," Toothie said as Greg slipped into death.

Later that day as the maitenance man scrubbed at the blood stains on the bed he idly stared at and wondered where the black inky substance came from that covered the cell room floor.
Title: Re: Toothie (a short story)
Post by: Christopher Silva on November 19, 2007, 11:10:54 AM
David, this was an exciting read. Good work.

I found a little type o though.

Quote
He had come to know the depths of evil this creature possesesed and he shuddered at the thought of the havac Toothie was capable of.

Keep 'em coming David.


Chris
Title: Re: Toothie (a short story)
Post by: davidleejones13 on November 19, 2007, 11:16:40 AM
Thanks Chris for keeping me on my toes!
Title: Re: Toothie (a short story)
Post by: Writers Block on November 19, 2007, 01:25:45 PM
Hi david,

A good read, nicely written.

Some sentences you have two spaces, others one, be consistent. Ideally stick to one, two is 'frowned' upon now.

Good sentence construction but I would suggest you go through them as some might be better with the superfluous words reduced.

Few comments:

Quote
"Suicide watch!"
- Exclamation marks should be saved for exclamations. Personal, I don't think it needs it. The two words say it all. Especially when you have another in the next piece of dialogue, which you can justify as 'damn' is an exclamation. Although as writers we can use what the hell we want, all we have to do is make the story believable. And this one is. ;) I'd suggest removing all the exclamation marks. Work on the premise you can treat yourself to having one. ;D

Quote
He thought of the creature he was trying to save these people from.  He had named it Toothie.  It was born from the dark sticky place in his soul and in recent weeks it had ravaged his mind.
- I like this a lot, but think you could remove the middle sentence. Perhaps replace 'It' in the third sentence with Toothie. Does the reader need to know he had named it Toothie? Does it add anything to the story? I think this would be an even tighter paragraph with that middle sentence deleted. Play around with it, se what you think.

Quote
Now the wall that existed between his imagination and reality was getting thin and he knew it was only a matter of time before Toothie broke through and into reality.
- Leave out the 'now'. It's more positive when you start with 'The'; the now effects the flow for me.
- Try to rewrite the sentence, say what this says, use half the words. I think its a good sentence, but it would be better shorter. Maybe make it two short sentences.

Quote
depths of evil
- Its almost a cliche, I'd suggest avoiding it.

Quote
"You cannot stop me!" The chorus of voices said as the ghastly visage of Toothie fanged face filled his mind.
- I'm confused. Chorus of voices? Nothing up until now had indicated it was many creatures. And you revert to the singular afterwards, might need to clarify or explain a little. Unless I am being thick of course - sometimes I am. ;D

Quote
You don't have the guts!" Toothie jeered, "I know you can't do it!"
- Whilst the reader needs to know who is speaking. I don't think you need to tell us he jeered, the words already suggest that.

Quote
"Damn you to Hell Toothie!" He screamed and sliced through the soft skin.  Blood spurted from the wound as he laid back down on his bed with a sigh of satisfaction.
- Again I think 'He screamed' is unnecessary.
- Watch out for telling not showing. Show the reader he was satisfied, describe his feelings of pain, the feel of blood spurting. It will be more dramatic than it is here. Check the rest for tell and try changing it to show.

I enjoyed this. Interested to see where you go with it. If you have any more planned?
Title: Re: Toothie (a short story)
Post by: davidleejones13 on November 19, 2007, 04:31:15 PM
Thanks WB,
I found all your suggestions very helpful.  This was the first edit and I planned on doing some more tweaking.  You just set me in the right direction. ;D
Title: Re: Toothie (a short story)
Post by: Spell Chick on November 20, 2007, 08:02:59 AM
I enjoyed the tale, made me shiver.

I'm not so certain about all this telling and showing stuff. Robert B. Parker only writes "he said" "she said" and uses no other method of speech. However, I have no problem with people yelling, shrieking, screaming, jeering, sassing, etc. I don't know when that came into vogue. It doesn't make all that much sense to me.

As for cliches. They are cliches because they work. I'm not certain they need to be shunned in toto. Reinventing the wheel over and over doesn't seem necessary to me.

As for the double spaces.
in Word:
ctrl+a to select all
ctrl+h to get to find and replace
in the find area: space space
in the replace area: space
replace all

all the spaces will then be single spaced.

for paragraph spacing, if you need it
^p is the paragraph mark. you can play with that to make paragraphs with an extra space, or remove extra spaces should an editor want that.

I enjoyed it. I agree with the exclamation point advice. If it isn't winning the lottery ... Perhaps a period or question mark would be better!   LOL

Patti
Title: Re: Toothie (a short story)
Post by: Christopher Silva on November 20, 2007, 08:05:04 AM
Patti, as usual, good advice. You are truly MWC's word trick guru! I think I'm in love ...  :-[   :-[   :-[

PS: notice the exclamation point, with you it's like winning the lottery every day. great tips.
Title: Re: Toothie (a short story)
Post by: davidleejones13 on November 20, 2007, 01:09:58 PM
Patti,
Thank you for the awesome advice(!)
After this last exclamation point I plan on saving all the rest for when I win the lottery  ;D

I have already gone through and made some of the changes suggested above. I tend to write between two and five in the morning and I am very apt to make mistakes. Also, I was never an Enlish major in school so I need all of the help I can get.

Thank you Patti...
Title: Re: Toothie (a short story)
Post by: Spell Chick on November 20, 2007, 01:44:54 PM
You are welcome. Best of luck with that writing in the middle of the night stuff.

                                       ) (
                                      (    )
                                   ____(___
                                 |`--------`|
                              (C|               |__
                           /`  `\               /  `\
                        jgs\    `========`    /
                              `'--------------'`
Title: Re: Toothie (a short story)
Post by: Mark H on November 20, 2007, 02:03:21 PM
Is it a pot bellied headless stripper stepping out of a birthday cake?
Title: Re: Toothie (a short story)
Post by: davidleejones13 on November 21, 2007, 03:40:02 AM
Toothie has been released upon reality...
There will be plenty of TOOTHIE EXPLOITS to come...
I promise...
He Has to make his Father proud....
Title: Re: Toothie (Horror, a short story)
Post by: davidleejones13 on December 26, 2007, 12:23:56 PM
Thank you here at MWC for the interest in this series.  I have numbered them to make them easier to follow at a few's request.  Thank you all for reading.
DLJ
Title: Re: Toothie (Horror, a short story)
Post by: Hunter on May 05, 2008, 03:14:20 PM
Hi Lee,
 I read the first of the Toothie series and I'm glad I did. This whole series looks like a chilling read. It may be time just to get it out and give it a dust up. I have two comments - first I hope this isn't a true story (tee hee) and second I'm not sure about the line, 'damn you to hell.' It might be construed as a bit 'Planet of the Apes.'

Anyway, I wouldn't mind seeing a bit more if you feel the urge to give it another airing.


Cheers Hunter
Title: Re: Toothie (Horror, a short story)
Post by: Swampfox one on May 05, 2008, 05:09:26 PM
Lee,
I don't know enough yet to critique in a way that would be of help but I know I like the way it reads.
J
Title: Re: Toothie (Horror, a short story)
Post by: Ninny on May 05, 2008, 05:23:01 PM
 ;D Yea Lee, loved it,..and guess what.....I found a typo!! ;D ;D
Possesesed....but then again....that sounds pretty cool...It should be a new word..'possesesed'! ;D
Seriously though,  I'm glad Hunter has flushed this work out,  it's soo macarbe and sooo ..you! ;D

Cap'm Ninny
Title: Re: Toothie (Horror, a short story)
Post by: davidleejones13 on May 05, 2008, 05:39:05 PM
Thanks Cap'm,
I must have hit the rum too hard this night. I cannot remember. Thank you for bringing TOOTHIE back from the dead... ;D

It is a pretty descent series if I do say so myself. MWC kept me writing these and I guarantee the plot thickens and it does get better as it goes. If you do not think so, I will refund your money! ;)

\Thanks for reading...

Thanks JHMull,
Wait until you get to about part four. That is when it gets really fun.

Thanks all.,
Lee
Title: Re: Toothie (Horror, a short story)
Post by: davidleejones13 on May 06, 2008, 12:09:05 AM
Capm Ninny.
thanks for finding the typo, it has been fixed.
Also, thank you so very much for bringing my monster back.

Your 1st mate,
Lee
Title: Re: Toothie (Horror, a short story)
Post by: thatLous on May 11, 2008, 04:55:54 AM
 ;D And so begins my journey into the darkness that is Toothie. They should make a video game about this someday...

Great start, Lee!
Title: Re: Toothie (Horror, a short story)
Post by: davidleejones13 on May 12, 2008, 02:43:04 AM
Thanks Louie,
Do not make a final opinion until you read all 13 chapters! ::)

Lee
Title: Re: Toothie (Horror, a short story)
Post by: thatLous on May 12, 2008, 02:46:55 AM
 ;D Aah- but have you read my other review?
Title: Re: Toothie (Horror, a short story)
Post by: davidleejones13 on May 12, 2008, 10:24:21 AM
Hiya Louie,
What review are ya talking about...I do not think I have. Of course I have been sorry busy and also very absent from MWC due to the call of tame life, I may have rolled right over it...which I tend to do sometimes.
I miss being aboard our Pirate SHip, the THINGY!
Hope all is well and there have been no mutinies!

Your former 1st Mate,
Lee
Title: Re: Toothie (Horror, a short story)
Post by: thatLous on May 12, 2008, 10:40:40 AM
What mutiny?

*whistles a jolly tune*

Oh, and you already commented on that review ;D I told you that I loved dualities! I'm obsessed with them, really, and I love how Toothie manages to control his body and all. It's all so wonderful that it makes my stomach do little twirls inside... like fluttering pixies.
Title: Re: Toothie (Horror, a short story)
Post by: davidleejones13 on May 12, 2008, 11:09:38 AM
Louie,
As we say in the States...you are a trip my friend.
I am proud to call you that (friend that is)! ;D

Lee